Chapter Text
Boris prided himself on having nerves of steel. He had spent his first very generous paycheck working for the Empire on them, and they had been worth every cent, because those augmentations were perhaps the only thing keeping his knees from buckling as he stared at the displeased face of his Baron and had to present a summary of the two years his Empire had been without him.
Well. Former empire. That was one of the factors of Boris’ galvanized nerves working overtime.
“I see,” Baron Wulfenbach frowned even more thunderously, after he had listened to his council’s exhaustive report of the happenings during his… absence, “And the slow going of my empire’s reconstruction is…”
“Still going, and rather well, all thing considered,” Boris hastened to emphasize, “Even Master Gilgamesh couldn’t fight a war on every front, and I do believe he had tried. It’s rather remarkable how quickly things went to hell. If Castle Heterodyne hadn’t herded most of our forces out of Mechanicsburg before the time stop, we might have fared even worse.”
That was a touch too pointed than Boris’ professionalism usually allowed him, but he had served Master Gilgamesh for over two years, and that might have split his loyalties to an unacceptable degree, but he wasn’t going to stand by and watch the young Baron bear the brunt of his father’s wrath when he hadn’t even deserved half of it.
Luckily, the Baron was not the kind of man who was too arrogant to admit he might have been wrong. There was a very tall stack of paperwork, most of it written in Boris’ own hand over the last two years for exactly this purpose, detailing how the Baron’s decisions had gone.
Granted, he had been possessed at the time, so he had a limited number of options, but Boris’ point still stood. Being aware of that, the Baron inclined his head in acknowledgement, but he did not look any happier.
“If I may, Herr Baron,” Colonel Chakraborty, proving that pirates really did fear nothing, “One thing Young Master Gilgamesh has done rather admirably is shore up alliances. The Other has, if nothing else, proved to be a force for unification, and with Tarvek Sturmvoraus’ connections and diplomatic skills, we have-”
“Sturmvoraus?” the Baron raised a doubtful eyebrow, “The boy the Order is trying to prop up as their puppet Storm king?”
“Well,” Boris cleared his throat while surreptitiously trying to signal to the Colonel to stop helping, “Whatever the Order had thought to make of him, the young prince appears to disagree. As you might remember, Othar Tryggvasen had mistakenly brought him aboard Castle Wulfenbach after you had sent him to collect Master Gilgamesh, and I’d had a chance to see him at work. He is far to brilliant to be anyone’s puppet, and I feel rather confident in my assessment that he is a very useful ally.”
“We Deep Thinkers concur with Herr Dolokhov,” Herr Hegen said, “In these trying times that followed, the Youngster Baron hath tried his best, but his scope had been limited. Young Prince of Storms, once he has been named advisor, had lengthened the strides the Empire has taken to pull itself together again, and had named reasonable terms in exchange.”
“Advisor?” the Baron frowned again.
“Ah,” Boris cleared his throat, “Due to his family’s… Machinations, he’s had an opportunity to study under Lucrezia. He’s the one who has formulated the inoculation draught against the slaver wasps, and allowed the Vespiary squad to escape with some live weasels. Master Gilgamesh had wasted no time in distributing the concoction throughout our forces, and it might have been the only reason the spread of revenants has been going as slow as it has. Given a chance to work, he has promised to deliver a cure, and I am inclined to believe him.”
“Are you?” the Baron looked suspicious, “And what reason would the man around whom this entire Storm King conspiracy is wrapped up, the boy who has been thrown out of the school on Castle Wulfenbach, have to aid my son in this way, rather than the Other? What proof do any of you have that he’s not helping to rebuild the empire only to snatch it from under our noses?”
The room filled with palpable tension as it suddenly dawned on everyone that- Certain developments had only happened after the Baron had been trapped in the time stop. And those developments seemed so obvious to people who had met the young man in question that they felt it would be entirely redundant to put them in the reports.
Which meant someone was going to have to explain that whole mess to him. Out loud.
Almost every pair and unpair of eyes turned in Boris’ direction.
“Erm, Herr Baron,” Boris adjusted his glasses as an excuse to give his poor nerves a chance to recoup their forces, “They, ah, that is, Master Gilgamesh and Prince Sturmvoraus-”
“They’re both mad about the same girl!” came the voice more terrifying than the Doombell, as chipper as a massacre, strutting in with all the energy of a bouncy ball despite both of her legs being in a cast. Just in time to give Boris the heart attack of his life.
“DuPree,” the Baron greeted her almost cordially, “Are you-”
“Though, at this point, I think it’s like, at least halfway an excuse,” Captain DuPree continued to give Boris a heart attack, “Like, you should see all three of them together, and hooo-boy! Madgirl may have them both on the leash, but they don’t exactly mind sharing, if you know what I mean.”
“I’m sure I do not,” the Baron said very, very evenly, prompting the whole council to try and assimilate into the walls, “Do tell.”
Boris tried to remind himself that even with every other bone in her body broken, Captain Bangladesh DuPree could murder him in three seconds if he tackled her to the ground and tried to muzzle her, but the longer her mouth went un-muzzled, the more was Boris considering it.
“-and then he said, “Fine! If we’re dealing with pirates, we’ll act like pirates!” and he hijacked one of those underwater hunting serpent things-”
“Albia’s Subhunter Serpent?”
“Yeah! I was so proud of him! And then I got to fight this awesome assassin, he was great! But Gil was so busy fussing over Prince Poncy that the rest of the Smoke Knights got away-”
“Did he now?”
“Yeah! And then Squealy and I teamed up to knock the idiot out and make him get some sleep, and we went off to Albia to get rid of any interlopers out of the Madkids’ heads-”
“Yes, I heard that went well.”
“And then-”
And she just kept going. If he got out of this alive, Boris was going to hunt down Vanamonde von Mekkhan and make him surrender his entire stash of caffeinated alcohol.
“I see,” the Baron nodded, now looking less suspicious and far more furious than before, “And I wasn’t informed of this because?”
“Eh, everybody probably thought you knew,” Captain DuPree shrugged, “I mean, everybody in Europa knows, above and below included.”
The Baron looked vaguely tired at that. “Of course they do.”
“Right, so you might actually get your wish if he wins the love war!” DuPree chirped, “Granted, she may still take both of them, I’ve seen the paintings of the Heterodyne seraglio in at least three brothels, and let me tell you-”
“ARE YOU HERE FOR A REASON, CAPTAIN DUPREE???” Boris finally exploded, survival be damned. He thought he could be forgiven for it, especially now that the Baron was getting that look on his face. If he died for his audacity, at least he wouldn’t have to deal with the fallout.
“Huh?” Captain DuPree blinked, “Oh yeah, I was just escorting these guys.”
She jabbed a thumb in the direction of the entrance, where Boris had failed to notice three Dreen and a bespeckled purple fellow waiting at the entrance.
“They said they still have something to do here before they can go home, so I brought them here for you to deal with them,” Captain DuPree shrugged.
Boris prayed to any Heavenly Father above who was actually real for strength, then turned to the Dreen. “Right, I understand your purpose here has been fulfilled. The Empire thanks you for your service. If you require help getting back home-”
“No need,” one of the Dreen said, “Hear me, I am the Chosen One! The Sages of the Boring Realms have done us a great service, and we have gifts for them! And though our story must be told from the Capital and beyond, our Vozzler assures us the composition will take long enough that we have time to attend the wedding! So we have come to accept the invitations! Rejoice!”
“Wha- A wedding???” Boris spluttered, “What wedding? Who is getting married!?”