Chapter Text
At 26, you'd think Eddie Diaz had already had his heart broken, and in a way, he probably did too, especially when you grow up like he did, in a family that doesn't love you and that, from a very young age, labels you and forces you to conform. So you find yourself a father at 17, in the military at 18, and widowed at 21 by a woman you were never in love with, who fled just as you were returning from what was literally a war zone, leaving you with a 4-year-old child who relinquishes all parental rights, files for divorce through a lawyer, and then another lawyer informs you that your wife died in a car accident before the divorce papers could be finalized. He thought he'd done the hardest part and overcome his trauma and post-traumatic stress. So, after climbing out of that damned, icy well, Eddie had decided to talk to Buck, to speak honestly about what he was feeling. He was ready to open his heart to him.
But then, at 26, Eddie Diaz discovered that while his heart had been broken countless times, he had just discovered that no one had ever truly broken it. This privilege came back to one man: Evan "Buck" Buckley, his best friend—or should he say, former best friend? Eddie wasn't sure how to define them anymore, because how do you define your relationship with a man who could be so cruel to you at a time when you're at your most vulnerable?
So, with a knot in his stomach, Eddie woke up this morning, getting ready for work—his first shift since what had happened.
The memories of what had happened exactly three days ago were still vivid in his mind as he prepared breakfast for his eight-year-old son.
Eddie remembered the evening perfectly. He remembered how Grandma had offered to babysit Chris for the night since he didn't have school the next day. He remembered asking Buck if he wanted them to spend the evening alone.
He remembered Buck's smile when he agreed, telling Eddie not to bring anything, that he was going to make them something special.
He remembered smiling like an idiot when Buck put a plate of spaghetti on the table (Eddie felt his heart leap when he realized Buck had made his favorite dish). They drank a beer, talking about everything and nothing, about Chris, about the latest movie that had come out and that they absolutely had to see, about the trip to the zoo that Buck wanted to take that weekend, and Eddie remembered thinking that it all seemed so domestic, so familial, and so simple, and that he wanted that for the rest of his life.
Then he cracked and confessed his love and his homosexuality in the process. He wished he had known that it would be his biggest mistake.
"Are you okay? You've seemed nervous since the beginning of the evening. Is there something wrong with Chris?" asked Bick, worried.
"No, no, everything's fine, I'm just thinking."
"So you're okay? Are you sure?" "You seem out of it," Buck said, taking Eddie's hand in his, which made Eddie's stomach flutter.
"Uh, yeah, yeah, everything's fine, it's even great," Eddie smiled gently. "I wanted to talk to you about something. I've been thinking about it for a while. You're the first person I wanted to tell."
"You know you can tell me anything, that I'll always support you," Buck said with a smile.
"I, uh... I'm gay," he finally blurted out.
Buck let go of Eddie's hand, taking a step back, refusing to say a word, and Eddie felt his heart clench.
*Buck, please say something,* he begged.
*What?* Buck asked, surprised.
*I'm gay, and I know it's sudden, or maybe not so sudden, but Buck... Evan, you're my best friend, and I love you, I love you so much, I'm in love with you, and I know it might sound crazy, but these last three years, despite everything that's happened, have been the best of my life, even after the well, because you were by my side. I couldn't think of anything but you. And I fell a little more in love with you every day. At first, I was scared. I always knew I was gay; it's always been a part of me, but my parents... they weren't open-minded. I had to suppress who I was so I wouldn't be kicked out, and for years I was good at pretending, you know, pretending to be straight. But with you?* With you, it was never the case. I never had to pretend. What I felt for you was pure and simple love. I love you, Buck.
I wanted you to know that.*
And for a minute, a very long and beautiful minute, Eddie naively believed that the smile appearing on Buck's face was happiness, that by some miracle Buck loved him in return and was going to kiss him. But his perfect little bubble burst when Buck started to laugh softly, then louder and louder, erupting into a fit of laughter that was hard to recover from.
"Buck, I..." Eddie said, trying to hold back a sob in his voice.
"Sorry, sorry," Buck calmed down slightly. "But it was so funny! You should have seen your face! You looked so serious!" Buck laughed again.
"I am serious," Eddie replied, walking slowly away from Buck.
"Oh come on, Eds, you and I both know very well that you're absolutely not gay. There's nothing gay about you. I know we've been through a lot together and that you're probably confused, but come on, even you must know that you..." "Isn't in love with me. And I'm sorry, but you're a terrible actor, but I'll give you a 10 out of 10 for the joke, it was hilarious," said Buck, walking off to the kitchen to get more beer, and Eddie felt like throwing up when he heard Buck still laughing.
"Want another one?" asked the blond from the kitchen.
"You know what, I think I'm going to go," he said, his tone a little drier than he intended, but his heart had just been trampled, and he thought he could afford this little slip-up.
"Oh come on, don't be so sensitive, I told you it was funny."
"Well, next time one of your friends comes out to you and says they're in love with you, just laugh in their face and pretend they don't know where they stand," he said, leaving and slamming the door.
The rest was a blur; he didn't... He didn't remember exactly how he'd gotten home, but he remembered collapsing on his bed and falling asleep from crying so much.
And if he thought that was the worst thing that could happen to him, he was wrong again when, upon waking the next morning, he saw he'd received a text from Buck announcing that, to "make up for" calling Eddie a bad actor, he'd signed him up for the next speed dating event. Eddie might have thought it was a joke, but he'd received a damn email confirming his registration for the next speed dating event, which would take place the following weekend. Eddie felt like throwing up when he saw the time of the reservation. Not only had Buck rejected him, mocking his homosexuality, but he'd also literally signed him up for a straight dating club an hour after Eddie had come out and confessed his feelings. Eddie didn't know what was more painful: Buck rejecting his feelings or Buck rejecting the very idea that Eddie could be gay.
He didn't know how he was going to survive his next shift. The mere thought of seeing Buck again filled him with dread. The way Buck had reacted to his coming out was so painful; in no universe could he have imagined Buck reacting like that. He'd resigned himself to the idea that the blond wouldn't reciprocate his feelings, but he never imagined Buck would reject him so cruelly.
He and Buck had always supported each other through every moment of their lives, ever since that moment in the ambulance with the patient in Grenada. But now? Now that Eddie was opening his heart to her, telling her something no one else knew about himself, at the moment when Eddie was most vulnerable, he had been rejected in the worst possible way.
So it was with a knot in his stomach and a completely broken heart that Eddie arrived at the firehouse, not quite ready to face what awaited him.