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I've gone back and forth whether to post anything here, but I feel the need to do so as I’m not sure when I'll be able to continue this work. It has not been abandoned by any means, but life has gotten in the way and I have been unable to work on it for many months.
Last year it was sadly delayed due to an overwhelming increase in my workload at my job and being overwhelmed by the news. I also struggle with a chronic condition that, when it flares up or my medication fails, can make it extremely difficult to type, especially after a long day at work.
This year it has been much more personal. In addition to new health concerns, I have become aware of the extent of the transandrophobia on tumblr, which has unfortunately caused a breakdown in a friendship that was very near and dear to my heart, despite all of my attempts to the contrary.*
I care deeply for my friends, and the breakdown of any friendship is devastating to me. This one has hit particularly hard. I am still in a state of emotional whiplash from trying to make sense of it…
I bring this up because that friend has been my primary beta reader for some time, and was the only person I consistently discussed the podcast and my work. (The next arc of the story even has segments I included because I knew they loved those characters.) I have attempted to work on this story since my last posting, but unfortunately my mind has not been in the right place. I intend to continue it and ultimately finish it, but it’ll take some time.
I want to thank those of you who have continued to leave comments and new readers who have left kudos - it’s nice to know you are still enjoying it! I genuinely love hearing from all of you, and (since I’m no longer on tumblr) for anybody who would like to reach out, you can message me on Discord @ vidrawr.
*I'm sure there are many people who will know who I am referring to, despite my not naming them. To those people, I want to be clear that this person did not express transphobia towards me or any others that I'm aware of. I still care very much for this person, and it's not my intent to slander them or cause them any hurt. [Click for more.]
The behavior I'm referring to was on a server they had set up. I had reported numerous behaviors that made the server uncomfortable to interact with as a transman. I assured them I did not believe anybody was knowingly being transandrophobic. I assumed it was out of ignorance as to the effect of their words, but that it made the environment rife with triggers. At one point, I attempted to “test the waters” by sharing that something causes me dysphoria and attempted to explain my perspective as a transman in a conversation that was already touching on being trans. I did my best not to let it become an argument, despite obvious attempts by others to twist my words and silence me.
Trying to be understanding of what was happening in their personal life, I told the mod they did not have to address the issue immediately. (I tried to ignore the channel, but it was impossible to resist as there were some genuinely fun people to chat with.) A week later, I chose to leave the server to avoid further triggers, with the hope that the mod might address the issue and there might be some solution, which I communicated to them. I was genuinely upset about leaving - I’m a social butterfly so I’m not ashamed to say I cried - but I did not know how to approach the situation on my own and the mod had no suggestions. I did not know enough people on the server to feel supported in asking for “accommodations”, and after the reactions I got, I didn’t think it would be safe to ask the group for input. (It is not and never has been my goal to police anyone, which I mentioned on the server. I only offer my personal perspective, which had been soundly rejected.)
A few months later, I had to reach out to the mod regarding a sudden attack on tumblr by someone I knew to be their friend. I had never interacted with this person on tumblr prior to this and had only vaguely interacted with them on the server, and it was not clear in their attack what triggered it - they only referenced things I had said months prior. On the server, they had exhibited the vast majority of the behaviors I mentioned in the complaint to the server mod, but I don’t think they had been told any of that. I asked my friend, the server mod, if they wanted a chance to handle it. I didn't know this person, and their attack was rambling, so for all I knew, they were having some kind of episode and directing it at me. At the very least, it was clear they had been stewing on old comments for a few months and, unprompted, publicly attacked me and even flaunted it by sharing it on the server I had left, which seemed unstable to say the least…
Ultimately, the server mod, to my knowledge, did not feel it was their responsibility to take action outside of a temporary ban and requesting they remove screenshots from their server. (My name, account info, and some private details, along with quotes from those screenshots, which they had altered, were all left in, and since it had been reblogged, those screenshots remained…) This amounted to no less than a complete betrayal. While their actions were not directly transandrophobic, their aversion to conflict delayed much-needed responses and ultimately allowed behavior that was transandrophobic.
Since leaving tumblr I have learned a bit more about the transandrophobia present on the site. For those of you who are interested, a fellow transmasc referred me to this tumblr blog: https://nothorses.tumblr.com/ They have a lot of well-written posts; it’s impossible to recommend only one.
I think it’s important for everyone to be aware of issues like this, because when we put down and/or silence people of any gender identity, we restrict everyone’s gender expression. I genuinely believe that spaces that aren’t safe to discuss gender (be that physically or emotionally) are not safe for trans people, and they aren’t great for cis people either. They are only safe for the few who make the rules.
To be clear, I don’t think anyone within the Dungeons and Daddies fandom is knowingly pushing these beliefs/agendas, but extreme views never start extreme and I have seen some of the same rhetoric thrown around in a playful, joking way within the fandom, mostly on tumblr. I would hope I wouldn’t have to explain why some things common in fandom can be triggers for transmasc people. (e.g., emasculation, forcefem, mpreg, omegaverse, etc.) That’s not to say any of this should be policed and restricted, but if your kink/interest is something you know can trigger others, it’s important to not push it on others, but also to be aware of where you’re indulging in it, and consider the audience of that space.