Chapter Text
Colin lay in his hotel bed and stared at the ceiling. Every now and again a car passed on the street below, headlights flickering across the ceiling, before disappearing and everything was dark blue again.
Groaning in frustration, he rolled over and reached for his phone. His valiant effort to not touch had lasted all of five minutes. He had to do something. Something to stop the thoughts swirling in his head, the emotions wrestling in his abdomen.
He opened Instagram and tapped on a few stories. He smiled at Kate’s, his nephew and niece giving her camera innocent gap-toothed grins, then snorted at her next shot of Anthony’s serious face covered in glittery eyeshadow, lipstick and wearing a tiara. He looked through the next few updates from his family and company; Eloise’s post encouraging people to sign another petition of some kind, Greg’s memes that he was officially too old to understand, and a video by Simon of most of them at Bridgerton House for brunch, an eye roll emoji playfully pinned as he panned over the familiar bickering, noise and chaos. He felt his stomach pull, feeling homesick again.
That was new for him. He used to be able to be away for months, flitting from country to country, barely a thought given to London and the people there. Now he barely got to the month mark without feeling like he was being pulled home by some kind of magnet. So much so he was considering moving back to London for good. Which was why he was up in the middle of the night, tossing and turning, weighing up the pros and cons of the decision.
He sighed as he looked at the bright colours on the screen in front of him, because here he was again, thinking about it. Maybe Instagram wasn’t the best idea. He quickly scrolled over the other stories’ pink circles, checking the faces without clicking on them, searching for anyone who sparked his interest. But no. Just a bunch of friends, people he didn’t talk to anymore, or vague acquaintances. He closed the app, disappointment fluttering around the edge of his consciousness. He felt that a lot now too. Like he was waiting for something, looking for something, but not knowing exactly what.
Welp, maybe he could drown out his pesky brain instead. He grabbed his headphones from the bedside table and stuck them in his ears, opening Spotify and scrolling through the home page, trying to figure out what he was in the mood for. He went to his library and browsed his playlists, not particularly feeling like the albums and mixes he saw there, either. He scrolled deeper still, determined to find something that would scratch that itch. He cringed with a soft chuckle as he came across old playlists, embarrassingly titled with things like “workout mix 4 hella gainz” and “alone again”. God he used to be dramatic. Maybe he went too deep, he thought, just as his eyes caught on something that made his stomach warm.
“Colin and Pen’s Bestie Mix”
Colin couldn’t help the grin that spread across his face. He had forgotten this existed. He opened it eagerly, trying to remember what music they had deemed worthy of this shared and once cherishhed creation.
He was not disappointed. Taylor Swift, One Direction, Ed Sheeran, 5SOS, The Script, John Legend, Bastille… the list went on, each artist and song bringing back a very specific memory. Shouting to Boom Clap on a roadtrip to Audrey Hall. Dueting Chandelier at karaoke after too many shots until his siblings begged them to stop. Daring each other to do the Anaconda dance at their graduation party. Hey Brother pulsing through the portable speaker at the beach as they lay in the sun. Their first time clubbing together screaming the lyrics to Timber into each other’s faces.
Finally finding some relief from the ache in his chest that seemed to live there these days, he pressed shuffle then play on the playlist, smiling as he lay back, reminiscing. Let Her Go by Passenger flooded his senses. He had forgotten how supremely happy he had been at this time of his life. Poised on the brink of adulthood, freedom without the responsibilities. His funny, kind, extraordinary best friend by his side.
Staring at the ceiling in the dark
Same old empty feeling in your heart
'Cause love comes slow and it goes so fast
Colin felt a lump rising in his throat as sadness tinged the warm glow within him. He tried to remember the last time he’d been that happy. He’d done a lot, seen a lot, met a lot of people. He’d been awestruck, proud, exhilarated and spellbound. But he can’t remember ever feeling as much joy as he did sprawled out on the living room floor with Penelope, stomach hurting from laughing, seeing her gorgeous face flushed pink, eyes filled with tears, hair spread around her like an orange halo.
Well you see her when you fall asleep
But never to touch and never to keep
'Cause you loved her too much and you dive too deep
This is pathetic, he told himself. Was he seriously pining for his teenage best friend? Who he hadn’t seen in years? Who was married to someone else?
Yes, yes he was.
It shouldn’t still feel this real. But it did. Time had done nothing to diminish the hole in his heart that she left when they parted ways. Or rather, when he left. Because it was his fault. He was the one who had gone travelling, assuming Penenlope would always be there, waiting for him when he returned. It was his own damn fault when he’d returned she was with someone else. He had had years to tell her how he felt. He told himself he’d get another chance, but he never did. They had never broken up. So he had gone back to travelling, running away from the girl he loved and her perfect, perfect boyfriend.
He jumped as suddenly the first few bars of The Man by Aloe Blacc blasted through his earphones, yanking him from his thoughts and making his heart slam in his chest as he hurriedly turned down the volume all the way down. He sighed and pressed pause on the song completely. This was not the vibe, and now he felt even more emotional and confused than before. For fuck’s sake.
Deciding he’s already fucked up his chances of sleep and emotionally healthy choices for the night, he pressed on the little letter P under the playlist title that would lead him to her Spotify account.
This was a bad idea. He knew this. But he was desperate to feel something, anything, even if it was pain. It’s not like he could stalk her social media accounts, she barely posted anything anyway. And if she did, he wouldn’t want to see it. See that blonde fuckface petting penguins or whatever. No thanks. But Spotify could be okay, he reasoned tenuously. It’s just to see what her music taste is now.
Even his most gullible self was judging him, but he didn't care. He scrolled through her list of playlists, reading each title before opening the playlist and perusing. It was all pretty standard; workout mixes, writing mixes, rainy day reading mixes. A lot of Taylor Swift. Hozier, Billie Eilish, Chappell Roan and Coldplay made frequent appearances. He found himself smirking, unexplainably pleased that their taste in music has stayed so similar.
Some of the titles made him laugh. “Screaming While I Drive Home From My Mother’s House”, “Songs That Eloise Told Me I HAVE to Listen To” and “Lost the IDGAF War Today…” were some of his favourites.
Her most recent playlist was intriguing, though. Ambiguously titled “oh no” in lowercase, the thumbnail was of what looked like Egypt, a river orange in the setting sun while the familiar pyramids loomed in the background. Suddenly it was very important to him that he understood what purpose it served. What did “oh no” mean? And what did that have to do with Egypt? Was it for when she makes mistakes? Or songs she doesn’t like? Was she travelling to Cairo?
Curious, Colin opened the playlist, seeing it was mostly Taylor Swift like a lot of her playlists had been. It was short, only containing seven songs altogether. He scanned the list, hoping to find a common theme.
The Archer - Taylor Swift
You’re Losing Me - Taylor Swift
scared of my guitar - Olivia Rodrigo
Good Luck, Babe! - Chappell Roan
Coney Island - Taylor Swift
Slim Pickins - Sabrina Carpenter
The Bolter - Taylor Swift
It wasn’t exactly a happy playlist, that much was certain. He pressed play, unable to stop himself from trying to figure this puzzle out. He sighed as the familiar strains of The Archer flowed over him. He loved this song, all too familiar with the feeling of not being quite able to stick around people the way he seemed to be supposed to. It both hurt and comforted him that Penelope would also relate to this song in some way. Maybe this was about her family, he pondered. She had always felt rejected by them, unable to get the love she needed from them, figuratively alone despite their physical proximity.
I've been the archer
I've been the prey
Screaming, who could ever leave me, darling?
But who could stay?
You’re Losing Me was an interesting choice for a married woman, he couldn’t help but think somewhat hopefully as the next song began. But he dismissed the feeling quickly, reminding himself of other interpretations that could just as easily apply. It could definitely be her family again. El had mentioned Pen’s recent attempts to put space between them. His heart tugged again. Whatever the subject matter, the songs were telling a story. Hinting at a part of Penelope that was hurting. It made him want to find her just to hold her together.
I gave you all my best me's, my endless empathy
And all I did was bleed as I tried to be the bravest soldier
Fighting in only your army
Frontlines, don't you ignore me
The third song took his breath away, though. He’d not heard it before, only having heard Olivia Rodrigo’s more popular songs. As the lyrics settled in his mind, he racked his brain for other interpretations.
But there were none.
It was astonishingly clear, startlingly obvious.
If I was brave and noble like you
I'd have the nerve to just stop stringin' you along
But I'm not half as decent as you
I'd rather be tied to someone, even if they're wrong
He quickly scanned the other titles, mentally comparing them to the narrative that was forming in his mind. They all, as far as he could tell, told stories of someone entering, staying in or leaving a relationship in which they weren’t completely happy. Which begged the question.
Was Penelope unhappy with her marriage?
Colin felt his heart rate pick up as he listened to the lyrics of each song, more and more certain he’d discovered the elusive link. He was being downright delusional now, and he forced himself to close the app after The Bolter faded out, taking his earbuds out in the sudden silence. It was none of his business, he told himself firmly, putting his phone back beside the bed and rolling so he was facing away from it. He closed his eyes, once again willing himself to sleep, trying to ignore the thumping of his heart and the stupid smile that was tugging at the corners of his mouth.