Archive of Our Own

It is a truth universally acknowledged, that an empty building in August, must be in want of becoming a Spirit Halloween store.

However summery the weather may be on Spirit Halloween first entering a neighbourhood, this truth is so well fixed in the minds of the surrounding families that it is considered as the rightful marker of the start of spooky season.

'My dear Mr. Bennet,' said his lady to him one day, 'have you heard that Netherfield Park is let at last?'

Mr. Bennet replied that he had not.

'But it is,' returned she; 'for Mrs. Long has just been here, and she told me all about it.'

Mr. Bennet made no answer.

'Do not you want to know who has taken it?' cried his wife impatiently.

'You want to tell me, and I have no objection to hearing it.'

This was invitation enough.

'Why, my dear, you must know, Mrs. Long says that Netherfield is taken by Spirit Halloween; that the manager came down on Monday in a chaise and four to see the place, and was so much delighted with it, that he agreed with Mr. Morris immediately; that the store is to open before Michaelmas, and some of the stock is to be in the store by the end of next week.'

'What is the store manager's name?'

'Bingley.'

'Is the selection of costumes and decorations good?'

'Oh! fantastic, my dear, to be sure! A stock of large size; four or five hundred this year. What a fine thing for our girls!'

'How so? how can it affect them?'

'My dear Mr. Bennet,' replied his wife, 'how can you be so tiresome! You must know that I am thinking of them doing a group costume as Barbies.'

'Is that its design in settling here?'

'Design! nonsense, how can you talk so! But it is very likely that the Barbie costumes will sell out, and therefore you must visit Spirit Halloween as soon as it opens.'

'I see no occasion for that. You and the girls may go, or you may send them by themselves, which perhaps will be still better, for as you are as handsome as any of them, you might be tempted to buy a Stereotypical Barbie costume for yourself.'

'My dear, you flatter me. I certainly have had my share of beauty, but I do not pretend to be any thing extraordinary like Margot Robbie now. When a woman has five grown-up daughters she ought to give over thinking of her own beauty.'

'In such cases a woman has not often much beauty to think of.'

'But, my dear, you must indeed go and see Spirit Halloween when it comes into the neighbourhood.'

'It is more than I engage for, I assure you.'

'But consider your daughters. Only think what an establishment it would be for the old strip mall where they like to hang out. Sir William and Lady Lucas are determined to go, merely on that account, for in general, you know, they visit no new-comers. Indeed you must go, for it will be impossible for us to use your credit card to buy the costumes if you do not.'

'You are over-scrupulous, surely. I dare say Mr. Bingley will be very glad to sell costumes to you; and I will send a few lines by you to assure him of my hearty consent to his selling a Stereotypical Barbie costume to whichever he chuses of the girls: though I must throw in a good word for my little Lizzy.'

'I desire you will do no such thing. Lizzy is not a bit better than the others; and I am sure she is not half so handsome as Jane, nor half so good-humoured as Lydia. But you are always giving her the preference.'

'They have none of them much to recommend them,' replied he; 'they are all into silly sexy costumes, like other girls; but Lizzy has something more of spooky spirit than her sisters.'

'Mr. Bennet, how can you abuse your own children in such a way! You take delight in vexing me. You have no compassion of my poor nerves.'

'You mistake me, my dear. I have a high respect for your nerves. They are my old friends. I have heard you mention them with consideration these twenty Halloweens at least.'

'Ah! You do not know what I suffer.'

'But I hope you will get over it, and live to see many Spirit Halloween stores come into the neighbourhood.'

'It will be no use to us, if twenty such should come, since you will not visit them.'

'Depend upon it, my dear, that when there are twenty, I will visit them all.'

Mr. Bennet was so odd a mixture of quick parts, sarcastic humour, reserve, and caprice, that the experience of three-and-twenty years had been insufficient to make his wife understand his character. Her mind was less difficult to develop. She was a woman of mean understanding, little information, and uncertain temper. When she was discontented, she fancied herself nervous. The business of her life was to get her daughters great Halloween costumes; its solace was visiting Halloween stores.