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Colonel Sportacus Champitor Crimson the Second by relationshipcrimes
Fandoms: Red vs. Blue
25 Jun 2017
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“Admit it, Simmons. Sarge loves a twelve-year-old snorting football more than literally anyone or anything in this canyon. Except for his shotgun. And maybe killing Blues.”
Bookmarked by HauntedFloatingEye
25 Jul 2026
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Simmons is thankful that men don’t have bulimia. Otherwise, it’d be really fucking difficult to explain why he never keeps his dinner down. (Updates first Tuesday of every month.)
- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 216,671
- Chapters:
- 99/99
- Comments:
- 2,713
- Kudos:
- 2,038
- Bookmarks:
- 275
- Hits:
- 38,369
Bookmarked by HauntedFloatingEye
25 Jul 2026
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"All is as it was meant to be. It was meant to be lonely and terrifying and unfair and fleeting. Don't worry."
"That's bullshit."
Written for the RvB Angst War
Series
- Part 3 of RvB Angst War
- Part 1 of He said No
Bookmarked by HauntedFloatingEye
09 Jul 2026
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A transcript to a fake Red vs Blue PSA.
Grif and Simmons talk about pet care. Caboose and Wash search for Benedict Cumberbatch. Kai somehow manages to get Grif and Simmons to mention their sex life. Lopez appeals to the fandom.
Initially posted June 2021 on the tumblr blog clocks-are-round.
Series
- Part 3 of Red vs Blue Fake PSAs
- Part 12 of Chronology
Bookmarked by HauntedFloatingEye
05 Jul 2026
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“He needed to remind himself to not care for these people.
He was not here to make friends. And he was very aware that there was a good chance they all would die sooner or later.”In which Grif joins the rookie camp and meets some very annoying people.
OR Grif’s story gaps explored and filled in with some maroon love.Bookmarked by HauntedFloatingEye
30 Jun 2026
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Dick Simmons is a rancher who's only ambition is to sell his crops and make enough cash to get by. But when his friend Donut takes him for a few drinks at the local saloon, Simmons gains the attention of some locals that he will never forget; as well as undesirables who have a tight agenda.
Saddle up cowboys, and get ready for a story about Texas, 1809; the American Frontier.
Bookmarked by HauntedFloatingEye
29 Jun 2026
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Pearl isn't sure if she wants to love a baby, all messy and loud and above all else, not Rose.
Unfortunately, she doesn't seem to have much of a choice in the matter.
- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 2,369
- Chapters:
- 1/1
- Collections:
- 1
- Comments:
- 6
- Kudos:
- 308
- Bookmarks:
- 47
- Hits:
- 2,257
Bookmarked by HauntedFloatingEye
07 Jun 2026
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At first, Pearl had no reason to chafe against Pink Diamond's final order. There were too many other things to concern herself with, and it was like Rose had said: no looking back.
Through life and death, love and birth, peace and war, Pearl realises she just what a complete betrayal it always was.
Series
- Part 38 of Steven Universe One-Shots
Bookmarked by HauntedFloatingEye
07 Jun 2026
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"Oh my God. Oh my God, he had it on repeat. This lanky nerd was listening to the Cyberchase theme song on repeat. How long has this been happening? Did the guy know everyone else could hear him? Did he have any other music on his phone? Grif had so many questions."
The only thing shittier than Simmons' music taste is his headphones. Grif notices.
Bookmarked by HauntedFloatingEye
28 May 2026
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Grif and Sister have words. Mostly about Simmons. Or Simmons-adjacent. Kaikaina gets increasingly frustrated with her brother.
Bookmarked by HauntedFloatingEye
23 May 2026
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When Simmons has the jarring realization that he might be attracted to Grif, his monotonous life at Blood Gulch gets very complicated, very quickly.
Bookmarked by HauntedFloatingEye
18 May 2026
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Everyone lets a little affection slide out here. This far away from civilization, all the soldiers away from their loved ones, it takes its toll.
Or: Grif and Simmons throughout the years, and how they finally put words to what's between them.
Bookmarked by HauntedFloatingEye
18 May 2026
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It really was a disgusting base.
Series
- Part 10 of Tickletober 2024
Bookmarked by HauntedFloatingEye
17 May 2026
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Hi everyone!
Just a few notes about Casual Tuesday! Casual means fully clothed! Please wear pants everyone!
Thanks
SimmonsOr an office au where Simmons is Dwight and everyone else is Jim.
Bookmarked by HauntedFloatingEye
12 May 2026
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Simmons’ head was literally buried in the sand right now, and all he could think about was the fact he was glad Donut hadn’t come by and made a comment about his butt in the air.
Instead, his company was to be found in Grif, who was basically exactly nothing at all like you would expect a vampire to look or act like but apparently that’s what he was.
“What the fuck are you doing? You look like an idiot. Well, more like an idiot than usual.”
Bookmarked by HauntedFloatingEye
03 May 2026
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Grif positioned his gun in front of him, ready -- only a ridge between him and--
“Wait, I think I just heard something!”
He crossed over.
Simmons was kneeling, hands behind his exposed, bleeding head.
There were four mercs.
Somehow, somehow, he killed three of them before they could react.
The fourth cursed and threw a knife.
Simmons screamed, scrambling to his feet
Something hit Grif.
Grif stumbled back a step, blinking.
The pain hit him then, and he gasped.
Bookmarked by HauntedFloatingEye
03 May 2026
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As Simmons dragged the moaning and faintly squirming man to the trunk of his car he reflected that this probably wasn’t the career his father had envisioned for him.
Bookmarked by HauntedFloatingEye
11 Apr 2026
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The rich fuck sitting at the table by the window won’t stop looking at him weird.
Bookmarked by HauntedFloatingEye
10 Apr 2026
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Grif and Simmons continue to bicker, Donut is as bubbly as ever and Sarge doesn’t know how to deal with being the only male on the team.
Series
- Part 1 of Fight Like a Girl
Bookmarked by HauntedFloatingEye
08 Apr 2026
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He presses the comms button for the captain’s quarters down and is slightly surprised when he gets an immediate answer.
“What’s wrong?”
Neil swallows thickly as he stares at the message, “an Irken is attempting to come aboard.”
There’s a small silence before the captain speaks, “I’ll be right down.” The com goes dead. The message flashes again, this time in all caps. As if the creature is becoming annoyed with the situation.
Series
Bookmarked by HauntedFloatingEye
11 Feb 2026