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Ray’s eyes fly open a shout tearing from his lips as he sits up in his bed. He’s breathing hard, shivering in the dark, his hand clutching at the covers as he tries to calm himself down. It’s just a nightmare. Nothing else. He’s on the Waverider, he’s safe.
“Light.” He calls out, then scrunches his eyes when the room is flooded in the bright light. He doesn’t call for it to tone down though. The light shining in his eyes painfully is grounding, almost comforting. It reminds him of where he is, and gradually, Ray manages to take a deep breath without his chest hurting. There’s not clock to glance at, but he opens his mouth and sighs.
“Gideon? How long was I asleep?” He asks, already dreading the answer.
“Two hours, Dr. Palmer.” Two hours. That’s a new record when it comes to being plagued by nightmares. “Should I prepare something that would help you sleep?”
The offer is tempting, Ray still feels tired, but he knows that if he closed his eyes right now, the images would come flashing back. Instead he shakes his head, slips out of the bed, and walks to the door.
“I think I’d rather get some coffee.” Maybe even not fabricated one, but real one. If they still have some around. One could never know when Stein and Sara raid their coffee savings.
Ray thought about keeping some hidden for himself, but it wouldn’t be fair for the rest of the team. So instead he tries to make sure there’s always enough left before their next supply run.
The way to the kitchen feels like forever.
Ray’s on his second cup of coffee, trying to force his body awake enough that it wouldn’t want to sleep anymore when he hears the steps. His hand tightens on the cup and he’s holding his breath, his eyes staring wide at the door. It’s stupid. He shouldn’t be afraid, because those are steps, those aren’t dinosaur stomps, there’s no roar accompanying them, there’s no hunt. Ray knows that, he can hear it and he understands. The sounds would be completely different – such a huge monster wouldn’t even make it onto the Waverider probably and Gideon would’ve already informed all of them. She would be able to trap it far away from Ray too. There’s no need to worry. It’s stupid to worry, it doesn’t make sense.
But Ray’s chest’s still rising and down quickly, heaving, his hand starts shaking when the steps comes closer and closer and he can’t take a breath.
It’s not until Mick steps inside that the oxygen finds its way to Ray’s lungs and he slumps against the chair closing his eyes.
“You okay, Haircut?” Mick half-growls and Ray’s eyes snap open once again, before he forces a smile on his face.
“Yes. Yes. Just… didn’t sleep that well.” Ray says, grinning.
Mick lifts an eyebrow. He doesn’t call Ray on his lie though, instead he walks over to the corner and pulls out a beer, before sitting next to Ray, throwing his feet on the table.
“That’s not going to help.” He huffs, motioning to Ray’s cup with his bottle, before taking a sip. “You want to sleep? Get drunk.”
Ray’s tempted. Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad to drink until he loses consciousness, until the world around him stops existing. But drinking isn’t good for his body and he needed that to help the world a bit.
“Thanks, but it might not be the best idea. Nate said he figured out where Sara is. I think I should be coherent to get her. I might go and check if everything’s prepared too.” He smiles, downing the rest of his coffee and turns to leave. He makes it to the door.
“Hey, Haircut.” Mick’s grumbling, before turns on the chair until he can see Ray, “sure you’re okay?” He asks, and Ray swallows.
“Yes.”
This time Ray doesn’t offer a smile, he just fleets and hides in the Captain room. Only hours later he realizes he didn’t ask why Mick’s awake himself.
… maybe the guy has some nightmares on his own.
The whole team is celebrating. Another successful mission. Lives saved, future unchanged. Usually that would be enough to get Ray into a good mood and the smile on his face wouldn’t need to be fake.
He can’t help but feel the bit of envy whenever he looks at Nate though. Because Nate has everything Ray wants. Everything he tried for. Nate has the thing that would be able to make Ray into a real hero and not just a guy with bunch of money and who’s trying too hard.
Nate looks his way and Ray forces another smile as he lifts his glass, nodding lightly. Nate grins, drinking his own beer, before turning back to Amaya and Sara. Ray uses that opportunity to let the heavy smile fall off his lips and takes a deep breath.
It’s not Nate’s fault that everything got messed up like this. It’s not Nate’s fault that his life was endangered like that and he needed the serum. It’s not Nate’s fault that Ray can’t become something even without his suit.
Then why does Ray feel this stupid anger whenever he looks at the man? Ray doesn’t want to feel this choking sensation, doesn’t want to feel like he can’t smile at the man and feel it. Ray doesn’t want to feel like he would fish that the serum was a fluke.
Ray’s eyes widen and he puts the glass down. How could he even think that. Ray doesn’t remember the last time he was this disgusted with himself. He doesn’t want to mess the evening (if it is one) for anyone else. He stands up, intending to run off to his room and lock himself in there until his brain – and heart – can get back to normal. But before he can as much as take a step away, a hand flies out and fingers curl around his wrist.
“It’s okay to be angry.” Mick says, not looking at him, just dawning another glass of the see-through liquid. Vodka probably. “When things don’t go the way we want them to, it’s fine to be angry sometimes. Don’t beat yourself up over that.”
Mick’s wrong it’s not okay, and Ray knows that and it’s just his stupid head not listening to him right now.
“It’s okay.” Mick’s hand tightens on Ray’s wrist, finally looking Ray’s way. Ray doesn’t know what he’s expecting – a glare, or a smirk maybe, something to show that Mick’s just giving into Ray or something, maybe that he’s pitying him… but there’s nothing like that in his eyes. Instead he’s calm as his thumb brushes circles over Ray’s wrist slowly.
… maybe… it could be okay for a little while.
Mick smirks and fills his glass one handed, before offering it to Ray with a challenging smirk. Ray rolls his eyes and downs the glass, pretending his lungs don’t burn. At least not as much as his wrist does.
It doesn’t stop there. Suddenly it feels like Mick’s always around when Ray’s feeling down. Whether it’s a tap on the shoulder when the team isn’t listening to him – something that Mick probably knows very well, considering the whole team forgot Mick was Chronos – or whether it is Mick being there for Ray, when Ray loses his suit.
Mick doesn’t suddenly forget about Ray when he’s not Atom anymore. He doesn’t even give Ray time to grieve, instead pushes him to train with Mick, shows him how to work the cold gun and drills him. Mick makes him feel needed.
Mick’s explaining this or that, pointing to the gun when Ray looks up and at the man. There are no fireworks, Mick’s not shining in light and butterflies don’t fly around in Ray’s stomach. But Ray’s still sure that right there, Mick grumbling about warning and do-nots while glaring at the gun in question is the moment Ray starts to slowly, little by little fall in love.
Falling in love by oneself is the worst thing. Because where once Ray could sit next to Mick and wait for Sara’s signal, now he’s too aware of Mick’s presence. How Mick’s chest rises and falls, how his voice rolls over Ray. The way his lips are parting when he’s unconsciously mouthing the words of this or that song with the radio and how much Ray wants to lean over and kiss him. How much Ray wants to lean over and curl his fingers around Mick, just to feel his warm presence even clearer.
Ray’s fingers twitch and he bites his lip, before gripping the cold gun tighter, to prevent them from doing anything stupid.
Falling in love by oneself is the worst. Because there’s this feeling in Ray’s chest, trying to push out, trying to get the world – and Mick – to notice… and Ray has to push it down. Something that is harder with every mission, with every meal, with Mick’s every casual touch.
Ray tries to keep himself busy, tries to always do something. And when they are send to mission together with Mick, he tries to behave like any other team member did. Because that’s what he is to Mick. A team member. Or maybe not just that, maybe even a friend and partner, since Mick seems closer to him than anyone else, but that’s all. It doesn’t matter that Ray wants more. This is what they are for Mick, and for Mick Ray can play the role of a friend.
Ray can do that for Mick.
Ray can feel his heart beating quickly in his chest. This here… this here is how they are going to die. No big heroic thing, just a loud bang.
“There is nothing I can do.” Ray says as he sits back on his heels, staring at the running numbers. The bomb’s going to go out in their face, there’s almost no chance for them to survive that. They are going to die and Ray didn’t even tell Mick what he feels. He knows he’s not going to open his mouth now, because troubling Mick now wouldn’t do anything. It would be selfish forcing his own feelings onto Mick like that.
“Yes, there is.” Mick grumbles next to him and Ray blinks looking over at him. “I was wrong trying to make you like Snart.” The man’s frowning, glaring over Ray’s shoulder, before nodding to himself. Next he’s moving, his hand reaching out and curling in Ray’s hair, before pulling him closer, pressing his lips against Ray’s.
Ray’s eyes widen and he can feel his heart shivering in his chest, like it’s unsure if it can beat or not, if this is reality or maybe an afterlife already, but then Mick’s pulling back.
The kiss couldn’t last longer than a second maybe, there’s still time on the bomb. Mick’s fingers are brushing over Ray’s hair as the man takes a deep breath.
“You're Ray Palmer You can science your way out of anything.” He growls. “You’re also the guy I have big plans for, so we’re not dying here.”
Ray’s heart suddenly restarts, beating crazy fast as if trying to make up for the time it was quiet.
“I’m Ray Palmer.” He says quietly. “I’m Ray Palmer.” Ray licks his lips. “I can science my way out of anything.” Especially if Mick’s looking at him like that. Quiet, almost proud, with his fingers still warm in Ray’s hair.
Suddenly Ray wants to tell him exactly how he feels. But not here, not without a real future and – His eyes widen.
“If I can send an electrical pulse from an outside power source, I might be able to overload the bomb's incendiary trigger, but I-“ He glances over at Mick, hesitant. “I'd have to dismantle to cold gun.” He knows what the gun means to Mick. He knows it’s the last memento of Snart and maybe Ray can figure another way around the bomb. He just need more time.
Mick’s hand tightens in Ray’s hair for a second before the man pulls it away and nods.
“Less talking, more doing.”
Ray doesn’t nod, just quickly turns to the gun, dismantling it, looking for the right piece. He’s not going to die here. Neither is Mick. This whole thing might just be an adrenaline rush or maybe Mick figured out what Ray is feeling and thinking and he decided to give into Ray if they are going to die anyway. It doesn’t matter. Ray can science this, and they are going to talk.
“Ray? Tell me the bomb is disarmed.” Sara’s voice carries through the comm and Ray grunts.
“That would be a lie.”
“Well, ten seconds to live.” Mick grumbles, moving a bit closer to Ray, his side lightly pressing against Ray’s back. Ray doesn’t have the time to look over but there’s something about Mick’s voice that makes him want to just steal a glance. He can’t afford to do that though. “There are worse ways of dying.”
Ray frowns, no. No, no, no.
The bomb beeps, the numbers staying still and Ray gasps.
“I did it.” He whispers, before turning to face Mick. “I did it!”
“Good.” Mick nods, before he’s kissing Ray again. Heated and desperate, adrenaline running through them both. Ray can feel Mick’s fingers clutching at his arms and he’s sure he’s doing much the same as he’s trying to push his body as close to Mick as he can. He just wants to… anything. Wants to show them both that they are alive, wants more of Mick, wants, wants, wants.
“Alright! Thank you for the panting radio show, but we’re going back to the ship, now.” Sara interrupts and Ray’s eyes widen.
Did the whole team hear?
“Missing visual?” Mick grumbles and Ray can hear Jax moaning ‘no’s over and over again while Sara laughs.
“What, you offering, Rory?”
“Maybe you could refrain from sharing things this personal.” Nate mutters somewhere and Sara snorts.
“Like you did with that Samurai girl?”
“Sara!”
The teasing moves from Mick and Ray at least, something Ray’s unbelievably thankful. Especially since he sees Mick standing already smirking, before he’s offering a hand to Ray.
“Come on, Haircut. Let’s go.”
In the end, they don’t talk about it. They don't have to.