Chapter Text
By the time their third date came, Juan gathered all the courage he had to finally reject Graf. Since nothing he had tried so far had worked — not trying to scare Graf away, not even switching places with Foolish so he could be the one to break Graf's heart in Juan's name — he knew he had to do it himself.
He had been overthinking this for days, imagining all the ways it could go wrong, how hurt Graf would be, and how their friendship would suffer, which Juan really didn't want. Graf had become someone very important to Juan, and he didn't want to lose that. Because he did love Graf; he just wasn't in love with him. And the fact that Graf was so nice and sweet and easy to be around only made it harder, because Juan didn't want to hurt him. Especially when he knew how it felt to have his heart broken by someone he loved.
In the end, it went a lot better than he expected. Graf was understanding and didn't seem as sad as Juan had feared. Or maybe he just hid it well; Juan couldn't tell. Graf always had a stoic calm about him that made him hard to read. Juan was getting better at it, but sometimes he still couldn't exactly tell what was going on in the Pole's head.
"I feel like I know what you're trying to tell me," Graf had said to him when Juan was desperately stumbling over his words, trying to say what he wanted to say in a way that would hurt the least. It was a small mercy on Graf's part, a convenient way out for Juan, but Juan still felt like he owed Graf an explanation.
"I love you, I really love you, Graf," he continued. "You are so important for me, for the North, and for the entire island, but I don't see you in that way. In fact, I can't see anybody in that way right now. I need to learn to love myself first… and maybe later, I can love again."
Graf nodded along and let out an encouraging hum once in a while. He wasn't angry, he just patiently waited for Juan to finish explaining his feelings.
"I'm so fucking sorry, I—" he said, guilt rising in his chest. He had expected a bigger reaction; why did Graf's quiet acceptance make him feel even worse?
"No, no, no, don't be sorry," Graf said immediately, not letting Juan finish that train of thought. "I understand completely. Do you remember in the tavern, when I hid under the table when Katie came in?"
Juan remembered, of course he did. He remembered the way it made him feel like a shameful secret in the moment. "…Yeah?"
Graf took a deep breath and looked to the side, gathering his thoughts for a while, before looking back at Juan. "There's… Some things I need to learn to accept about myself as well."
His voice got so quiet when he said that, and Juan felt a sharp pang in his chest. Oh. At the time, Juan had felt hurt and confused, thinking maybe Graf was embarrassed by him. He hadn't fully understood it before, when Graf was trying to explain it to him during their date, too upset to fully pay attention, but now… Now it all made sense. Graf wasn't ashamed of Juan; he was ashamed of being himself.
“Oh,” Juan breathed.
"I really enjoy spending time with you, and I feel like I might have taken the wrong angle when I told you my feelings for you. Ultimately, what I wanted was for us to spend more time together."
Graf smiled at him, and Juan felt a small surge of relief at how well the conversation was going. "I really like spending time with you as well," he replied truthfully. "I always have a lot of fun when I'm with you. And obviously, I'm always gonna be there for you whenever you need me, and I know you'll do the same for me."
"Of course," Graf said softly.
"I'm sorry for not telling you earlier, but I was so nervous," Juan continued. "I know— I know how it feels when it doesn't work out. I really didn't want to hurt you."
Graf exhaled. "It's okay. I can understand why."
Something in Juan's chest still ached despite Graf's words. He felt like he needed to make sure Graf knew how much he cared about him in all the different ways, just not in the way that Graf wanted him to.
"I really, really, really love you," he said, cringing at how desperate he sounded. He just really needed Graf to understand that in the moment. "I love that you are a part of my life."
Graf was quiet for a second, taking his words in. His expression remained calm, and Juan wished he could read his emotions better. It was hard for him to bear the silence.
"So… We are okay?" he asked. Basically pleaded. He wanted to hear it from Graf.
"We are," Graf said, tilting his head to the side. There was a small pause before he said, "You know, I will still bring you cheeseburgers and ice cream to work every day."
He felt the tension from before slowly leaving his body. The additional promise of keeping their habits unchanged made him feel even more relieved. He had been so afraid of hurting Graf and destroying their relationship in the process, but of course they would be okay. Graf was his friend, after all. His family.
Juan knew what it meant on a deeper level as well. Graf would not pretend that he didn't feel anything for Juan, but Juan didn't want him to. They both knew about it now; Juan knew Graf was in love with him, and Graf knew that Juan didn't want a romantic relationship. There was no point in hiding anything. Juan truly didn't want things to get weird between them.
"That's perfect," he laughed weakly. "I love cheeseburgers and ice cream."
"I know," Graf replied softly. He tilted his head to the side, choosing his next words carefully. "Thank you for telling me how you feel. I think— I think we both needed this."
Juan simply nodded. "Yeah. I think we did."
"I love you, Graf," he said once again, just for good measure. He opened his arms, inviting Graf in for a hug. "Come on."
Graf wordlessly took up the offer and stepped closer to Juan, folding himself into the embrace. Juan immediately wrapped his arms around Graf’s shoulders, pulling him in as close as he possibly could. Graf’s arms came up around his waist. They stayed like this for a while, neither of them saying anything.
Juan buried his face in the crook of Graf’s neck, feeling Graf's fingers clutch at the back of his shirt in return. He rubbed small, soothing circles on Graf's shoulders.
They will be okay.
Foolish had gone back to the mansion after the disastrous plan of switching places with Juan didn't work out. When Juan came back and settled in his room, Foolish came in soon after, bringing Tina along with him. They sat on one of Juan's couches, looking at him expectantly. He fought the urge to roll his eyes at the sight of his two best friends looking like curious children.
"Sooo," Foolish started, not even trying to hide his curiosity. "How did it go?"
"Fine," Juan said, sitting on the couch on the right to them. "It actually went well. Better than I expected. I finally told him that I don't feel the same, and he was cool about it."
"That's great news!" Foolish said cheerfully.
"Oh my god, you did!" Tina exclaimed. "I'm proud of you!"
Juan couldn't help but smile. Foolish had been so supportive of him throughout this whole Graf situation, and Juan couldn't have done it without him. And Tina was always there for him as well. He could tell she meant it when she said she was proud of him.
"I told him that I can't love anyone right now, and he was— He was really nice about it." Juan continued. When he was with Foolish and Tina, he couldn't help the urge to spill everything to them. "He told me that it's okay and he understands I don't feel the same. We decided to just be friends. I think it went the best it could have gone."
His best friends looked at each other before looking back at him. It looked like they had a whole wordless conversation in two seconds. They tended to do that sometimes; it must have come with knowing each other for as long as these two did.
"That sounds amazing," Tina said carefully.
"But?" Foolish prompted.
Juan looked between them. "But what?"
"You tell me. You sound like there's something more on your mind," Foolish said.
He thought about brushing it off for a second, but somehow, Foolish always knew when Juan was struggling with something. It was the same with Tina. There was no point in trying to hide it from them.
"I just— I thought he would be more upset, but he seemed fine! He just told me it was okay, and it sounded like he really meant it. I don't know, I guess I just expected a different reaction."
"And you're… upset he wasn't more upset?" Tina questioned.
"I went on three dates with him because I couldn't tell him no from the start," he continued. "I dragged it on way longer than I should have, and gave him false hope."
"And now you feel guilty," Tina said. It wasn't a question, and Juan hated how well they knew him.
"I led him on!"
"But you rejected him in the end, and he was fine with it, you said it yourself!" Foolish exclaimed. "So stop overthinking it and just accept you two are fine now."
"You were trying not to hurt him," Tina added quietly. "It's not like you went out with him to deliberately play with his feelings."
"What if I hurt him more by giving him false hope and then rejecting him anyway? I don't know, he took it well, but I think he was still hurt. I wasn't trying to, but I did hurt him."
Foolish was quiet for a moment in a way that meant he was thinking carefully about his next words.
"Maybe you did," he said finally. "Or maybe you didn't. You said it yourself, he was fine. You needed these three dates to say no to him; maybe he also needed them to get closure. You don't know that, so stop thinking of what he might and might not feel, and just trust him when he tells you how he actually feels."
Juan was quiet for a moment, taking Foolish's words in. Sometimes it caught him off guard how wise Foolish can be when he's not goofing around.
"Foolish is right," Tina chimed in. "You have to trust him when he says he's okay with something. Did he seem upset?"
"Well… No, he said he wanted things to stay the same between us. That we will stay friends and he will still help me and bring me food to work."
"And do you want that?"
He didn't even have to think about the answer to that.
"I do, obviously," he replied. "Graf is important to me. I just— I don't want things to be weird between us."
"Then make sure they're not weird. They don't have to be."
Foolish said it like it was simple, like he hadn't been involved in the plan to reject Graf by dressing as Juan and taking his place on the date just a few days ago. Juan decided not to bring that up. Instead, he chose to try to believe in Foolish's words.
"I think I will do that, yeah. Thank you, guys."
Foolish had a big grin on his face, while Tina's smile was warm and encouraging. He smiled back. He really loved them both a whole lot.
"You know, it took a lot of convincing myself for me to even tell you about my feelings," Graf told him when he was over in Juan's room the next day. He dropped by just to grab something from his own room and go back to the Polish Cave, but Juan managed to rope him into a conversation, and Graf stayed.
Juan was organizing his shelves, but as soon as he heard Graf start this topic, he turned around to give him his full attention.
"Yeah?" he encouraged Graf to go on.
He didn't push the other day, when Graf mentioned it to him. It didn't feel like the right moment, after they were already so vulnerable with each other, and Graf didn't elaborate, so Juan left it at that. But it seemed like he wanted to talk about it more. Juan wasn't sure where this sincerity was coming from, but he was more than happy to listen.
"I’ve never… said anything like that to anyone before,” Graf continued, almost whispering. “You know. Not about another man.”
Juan's breath caught in his throat. He remembered his own experience with coming to terms with who he was, and it wasn't easy. He wished Graf would have told him sooner; maybe he could have supported him more.
"I was happy with Abueloier's reaction. I really thought he would like… Call me names, or something, I don't know. I was surprised that he didn't mind, so I feel like I learned something in the end."
He completely abandoned the still messy shelves and sat on his bed, next to Graf. He gave him a reassuring squeeze on the shoulder before speaking.
"Yeah, the people on this island are nice about this kind of stuff, Graf. I know it's not like this everywhere, but you don't have to be afraid here. Including Abueloier, even though he's so old and cranky," he tried to joke. Graf let out a weak laugh.
"I know, I'm realizing it now, but it's— It's still hard. I think it has to do with me more than with anyone else," he was quiet for a while, fidgeting with the fingers of his left hand. "I guess I just spent years convincing myself that it was wrong, and maybe if I ignore that part of myself hard enough, it will go away. It never did, obviously."
His voice cracked slightly at the last sentence.
"I'm sorry I made you feel bad when I hid in the tavern, but I panicked when I heard Katie come in. She's my friend, and I got so scared about how she might react. I've spent a lot of time thinking about how people might react, and I've created so many awful scenarios in my head over the years. It's still hard to… accept that it's not the end of the world."
"No, no, don't apologize," Juan jumped in. Graf looked absolutely miserable, and it was breaking his heart. "It's okay, it's past us. I'm sorry I reacted so harshly, I should have tried to understand."
Graf stared at the floor for a few minutes. He looked like he was about to cry. When he spoke again, his voice was shaking slightly, heavy with emotion.
"When I realized my feelings for you, it scared me a little, because…" he trailed off, trying to find the right words. After a while, he continued. "Well, it still felt wrong in that way. But it also felt like the most real thing I've felt in a long time. I feel like myself when I'm with you."
Juan tensed up. Graf turned to look at him after saying that, and Juan noticed his eyes were a little glassy. He felt his chest tighten painfully with emotion. Graf always managed to say the most impactful things to him, leaving Juan feeling undeserving of all his affection.
"I'm sorry if I'm making this weird again," Graf added after a beat. "What I'm trying to say is, I'm happy I confessed to you; I think I needed to do it."
"No, no, no, you aren't!" Juan immediately reassured him. "You're not making it weird at all. I just— God, I don't even know what to say. I know it's hard and terrifying, I'm glad you told me this. You don't have to go through this alone, okay? You can always talk to me, man."
Juan was never good at comforting other people, so he just hoped it would be enough. He wanted to pull Graf in for a hug, but he wasn't sure if it was what Graf needed at the moment, so he just settled on holding his hand over Graf's shoulder.
"I'm so sorry you feel this way about yourself. For what it's worth, I think it was really brave of you," he added.
Graf gave him a small smile and said, "I don't feel very brave."
"Well, I'm telling you you are, so you just have to accept that."
Graf let out a weak laugh, and a quiet sob escaped from his chest. Juan thought fuck it, and pulled him into a hug. Graf immediately leaned into him, letting himself be embraced. Juan squeezed him as tight as he could. He held Graf in his arms until his sobs died down.
Juan had to admit, he was still waiting for things to become weird between him and Graf after that.
It never happened.
They were hanging out as they did before. Juan thought it would be awkward at first — both of them knowing Graf's feelings for him, and them both knowing that they weren't reciprocated — but it wasn't. Graf didn't start treating him differently or distancing himself, as if Juan were afraid he might.
Graf still participated in all of the North's activities whenever he could. He still made time for Juan and helped him when Juan asked. They did all of the things they used to do before — hanging out in Juan's room, Graf showing Juan his favorite Polish songs, and Juan putting on some Spanish ones in exchange. Juan would say that their honest talk brought them even closer than they used to be.
The only thing that changed was that he found himself more aware of Graf. Not that he wasn't before, but he just paid closer attention to everything Graf did in his presence. He started catching things he'd probably always looked past. He became aware of all the lingering gazes and soft looks Graf gave him, kept on giving him. He wondered if it was always the way Graf looked at him, and he just never thought about it too hard.
In the back of his mind, there was a small part of him that thought it should make him feel weird, but it didn't. It was just as if it was another part of their relationship: Graf being in love with him, Juan not loving him back in that way, and that was it. It felt strangely normal.
Graf would come to MiArte, just as he promised. He brought Juan homemade burgers and chocolate ice cream, then sat with him and chatted idly as he painted. Graf really did look at him a lot, Juan noticed. Sometimes, when he looked up from his easel, he would be met with Graf's fond gaze. Graf never really seemed embarrassed to be caught. In the back of his mind, there was a small part of Juan that thought it should make him feel weird. Uncomfortable, maybe — the weight of being loved by someone you couldn't love back in the same way. He kept waiting for that discomfort to arrive.
Yet again, it never did.
One day, Graf brought him a cheeseburger somewhere around lunchtime again, and Juan took a break in painting to eat it. He noticed he stopped bothering to bring his own food or go out to eat something between the paintings because of Graf. In the middle of eating it, he realized that Graf had only brought food for Juan, without bringing anything for himself. He was just sitting on the couch and quietly looking at Juan.
"Do you want some?" Juan asked, holding out his half-eaten burger. He immediately felt a little silly doing that, but he didn't want Graf to go hungry.
Graf chuckled and shook his head. "Thank you, it's all yours. I already ate."
"Oh, okay. This is really good, man," he said between bites. "You're spoiling me."
"That's the idea," Graf replied, leaning forward a little, elbows resting on his knees. Juan finished the rest of his meal in comfortable silence.
It felt nice, in a way that Juan couldn't describe properly. Maybe it was because Graf was so open about showing that he cares for Juan. His close friend was in love with him, and despite being rejected, he stayed by Juan's side as before. It felt good to be loved for who he is, not because of what he can give back.
At some point, Juan stopped waiting for it to become weird.
Next time Juan went over to Polish Cave, he noticed something new. He almost missed it.
It was a small, narrow strip of turned earth near the entrance of the cave, no wider than an arm's length. Someone had clearly worked the soil recently; it was slightly darker and visibly moist. A handful of colorful flowers grew in a row. There were some pink tulips, red poppies, and a small bunch of yellow flowers that Juan didn't recognize.
Juan stopped walking.
It hadn't been there the last time he'd come by, he was almost certain. He crouched down to look at the flowers up close without entirely meaning to. The soil was well-tended, turned carefully around each stem. Someone had clearly taken their time with this.
"Do you like it?" He almost jumped at the sound. He looked up, only to find Graf standing over him and looking at the flowers as well. He stood up, and Graf looked at him, giving him a small smile.
"Yeah," he said. "It's lovely. Is it yours?"
"Yes," Graf said, sounding a little bashful. "It's just something I started recently. I needed to occupy myself with something other than building and machinery in my free time, and gardening was it."
He turned his head to the side, not meeting Juan's gaze. He didn't look embarrassed per se, but something close to it. Almost like he had been caught doing something private.
"I like the yellow ones," Juan said, looking at said flowers. "What are they?"
"Daffodils," Graf replied, turning his attention back to Juan. "I like them as well. They really light up the place, and it's a nice contrast to all the reds and pinks."
He paused for a moment before adding, "I think they symbolize hope and new beginnings, but I don't know much about flower language. I kinda want to get some books on flowers, but I don't think we have any around here."
Hope. Juan really liked the sound of that.
"Oh? Graf doesn’t know something? Impossible," he teased playfully.
A small smile tugged at the corners of Graf's lips in response. "Yeah, it happens even to me. Maybe I will learn now. I never really had the opportunity to."
"I think it's really cool," Juan said truthfully. He took another long look at the few flowers growing on the small patch of soil. "The whole garden idea. It adds a lot of life to the place. It makes all the stone feel warmer. Will you plant more flowers here?"
"Yes, I plan to make it bigger. I want to plant other flowers, but I didn't have a lot to work with yet. These ones were just around the base, and it was easy to get them, but I think I'm gonna have to go on a longer trip if I want to find other types."
"I can help you," Juan blurted out right after Graf finished his sentence.
The prospect of going on a trip to search for flowers with Graf sounded really nice. They spent a lot of time together, but mostly in their usual places, so going out somewhere new was really appealing to Juan.
Graf looked a little surprised by his enthusiasm, blinking at him for a second before a soft smile broke across his face. Juan felt his cheeks heat up from embarrassment. "We can if you want. But it's probably gonna be pretty boring, just lots of walking."
"With you? I don't think it could be," he replied. "You're gonna tell me some geography facts along the way if I get bored."
"That I can do," Graf said. There was a comfortable silence between them for a moment, before he added, "Let's go inside, I'm gonna make us some tea."
He went into the cave, and Juan followed shortly after. He took one last look at the flowers. The daffodils looked as if they were shining in the afternoon sun.