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- Fatigue
The pamphlet they were given at the hospital didn’t seem to be enough. It had some basic information, sure, and one of the doctors explained quite a lot of things, but Sam still felt like he barely understood anything at all.
He’d never cared much about biology, truth be told, barely getting passing grades back in high school, but he was sure that none of the lessons had talked about how chemotherapy worked, or what it did to a human body.
Sam was pretty sure. Or maybe he just wasn’t paying attention? No, that couldn’t be, there was no fucking way their high school taught shit about cancer treatment.
So, that meant he had to take it upon himself to do more of the additional research.
The amount of tabs he had open couldn’t be possibly any good for his poor computer, but he refused to back down. He even watched videos of cancer survivors, writing down every single thing that could’ve possibly helped Colby through the side effects.
Sam was determined to get his best friend through this, no matter what it took. Because he fucking refused to lose Colby — he was convinced that letting him die meant letting a half of him die, too.
During moments like these, Sam got reminded of that one Greek myth. It was one of the few things he vividly remembered from one of his high school literature lessons — a myth about how humans were originally powerful beings with eight limbs and two faces, androgynous in nature, but Zeus feared them too much and split each being into two. He still remembered how his eyes flickered to Colby, his best friend already looking at him with a smile on his face.
Maybe it was that, or maybe when the universe was created, the atoms they were made out of were so closely together that it was inevitable for them to meet. For who was Sam if he wasn’t with Colby?
So, yes, he was willing to completely overheat his computer and lose all the fucking sleep for Colby. Because his best friend was worth every single second of it.
The first side effect appeared after the third session of chemotherapy.
Sam helped Colby into his car, watching as his best friend slumped in the passenger seat, tipping his head back with a heavy sigh. Just as Sam sat behind the wheel, Colby could barely keep his eyes open.
“Tired?” murmured Sam, reaching his hand out to gently rub Colby’s shoulder. The only response he got was a non-committal hum. “We can take a nap when we get home, yeah?”
Colby opened one eye, the movement sluggish. “Are you gonna tuck me in?” he asked, aiming for a joke, even as his words slurred together. Even when they traveled all around the world, surviving off of cheap energy drinks, Sam had never seen Colby this tired — it was as if his entire body was being dragged down by an invisible force.
It was fucking terrifying.
“Tuck you in, read you a bedtime story, kiss your forehead…” Sam smiled, as started the car. “Anything you want.”
Colby let out a weak chuckle, letting his eyes close once more, as he leaned his head against the headrest. “You better.”
When they got back home, Sam immediately rushed outside to help Colby out of the car, even as his best friend insisted that he was fine and could do it himself. Yeah, right. As fucking if. Colby was pretty much dead on his fucking feet, and if Sam hadn’t wrapped one arm around his waist, he would’ve hit the ground.
“I got you,” murmured Sam, pressing a fleeing kiss against Colby’s temple, before they started to carefully shuffling towards the front door.
“I’m not even getting tucked in yet,” quipped Colby, once they managed to walk inside the house, “and I’m pretty sure that wasn’t even my forehead.”
Sam rolled his eyes, but couldn’t even bother fighting against how his lips curled up in a smile. Okay, it seemed like Colby still had enough energy to joke around — that was a great sign, actually. “Maybe you’ll get more kisses,” he replied, as he helped Colby sit down on the couch in the living room. Trying to climb up the stairs probably would’ve been the worst fucking idea.
Colby hummed with a soft smile on his face, tilting his head to the side. “Is that a special treatment for the cancer patient?”
“It’s a special treatment for my best friend,” scoffed Sam, rolling his eyes once more, but he definitely failed at how fond he had to look in that moment. “Stay here, I’m gonna get you some clothes. So you’re more comfortable.”
Colby only made a vague sound in agreement, seemingly fighting against the exhaustion that was trying to drag him down. Sam managed to return in a record time, holding some loose sweatpants and the baggiest t-shirt he’d found, before gently nudging Colby’s shoulder.
“Do you think you can take off your clothes?” asked Sam, crouching in front of Colby.
“I’m not sure,” replied Colby, averting his gaze, as he bit on his lower lip. “Listen, Sam, I’m really sor—”
“Don’t even,” huffed Sam, easily cutting Colby off with no remorse whatsoever. “Don’t apologize for this, okay? I’m doing this, because you’re my best friend. Because I love you,” he added, his voice gentle.
Colby only nodded, as he let Sam change his clothes, still not quite meeting Sam’s gaze. God, his best friend truly insisted on never bothering anyone ever, even when he was literally going through chemotherapy, huh?
“Now, gotta tuck you in, just like I promised,” said Sam, once the old clothes were neatly folded and set on a nearby armchair. He helped Colby lie down on the couch, making sure he wasn’t moving too quickly, before draping a blanket over him and actually tucking him.
The action made Colby let out a light laugh, as he finally looked at Sam, his eyes unfocused. “What about the forehead kiss?”
Sam hummed in response, already leaning down to press the softest of kisses against his best friend’s forehead. “There,” he whispered, “your forehead kiss.”
Colby nodded, carefully reaching his hand out to Sam, tugging on his shirt. “Can you stay?” he asked, his voice so incredibly small — oh, it wasn’t meant to be like this. Never like this. His best friend was never meant to sound this small; this wasn’t right.
“Yeah,” breathed out Sam, as he sat down on the edge of the couch. “I’m right here.”
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- Nausea and vomiting
The sudden slam of the door woke Sam right up, making him get out of his bed, even as his body barely cooperated. He rushed towards Colby’s room, his heart just about to beat out of his chest — what if something bad had happened? And he wasn’t there to prevent it?
“Colby?” Sam opened the door to his best friend’s room, his breathing picking up. The room was completely empty, with no trace of Colby. “Colby?!” he repeated, his voice now filled with panic.
“‘m here.”
Colby’s voice was coming from the bathroom, making Sam rush towards it. He found Colby on the tiled floor, leaning his forehead against the toilet seat. Finally, Sam allowed himself to exhale, his shoulders slumping. He crouched right next to Colby, putting his hand on his best friend’s back.
“Hey,” whispered Sam, offering Colby a tight smile. “Feeling sick?”
“So fucking sick,” groaned Colby, taking deep breaths, trying to fight the nausea. “Like… I know it’s a common side effect, but it’s fucking awful.”
“I know, I know,” murmured Sam, rubbing soothing in circles in between the other man’s shoulder blades. “We’re gonna talk to your doctor about it, yeah? They’ll switch the medicine for you. You’ll be okay.”
Colby only nodded, looking like he wanted to say something, before the nausea was starting again, making him heave into the toilet. He held onto the porcelain with dear life, his entire body tense.
“I’m right here, Colby, I’m right next to you,” whispered Sam, his heart heavy. He could’ve helped with some symptoms, but there was nothing he could do against the awful nausea that chemotherapy induced — it even had its own acronym, because it had to be annoying like that.
So, all Sam could do was to stay by Colby, bring him some water and wait until it was all done. But it was during these moments when Sam was feeling so fucking powerless — seeing Colby in so much discomfort and pain from heaving so much was making his heart clench. Had it been possible, Sam would’ve taken all of his best friend’s pain over and over again, just to make it easier for him.
“I think I’m done,” mumbled Colby, flushing the toilet with a groan. “Sorry you had to see all that.”
“Stop with the apologies,” replied Sam, burying his fingers in Colby’s hair, gently scratching his scalp. “In sickness and in health.”
Colby let out a quiet chuckle, “Pretty sure that’s reserved for married couples, Sammy.”
Sam shrugged vaguely in response, combing through his best friend’s hair, watching as Colby let his eyes close. “Well, people already believe that we’re married, anyway, so why not add this to all of it?”
“When you’re right, you’re right,” said Colby with a lazy smile. Then, he sighed, letting his body slump against Sam. “I’m so tired, dude.”
“I know,” murmured Sam, already helping Colby stand up. Once Colby managed to rinse his mouth out to get rid of the acidic aftertaste, they walked back to the bedroom. Colby plopped on his bed with a groan, even as Sam tried to tell him not to fucking do that — this fucking guy, oh my god!
“Can you stay?” asked Colby, looking up from his pillow. “I really don’t wanna be alone.”
Sam smiled, already slipping under the duvet right next to Colby. “I’m right here.”
Colby smiled, shifting closer, until his head rested on top of Sam’s chest, sighing in relief. “Thank you.”
“You have to cut it out, man,” chuckled Sam, tracing mindless patterns across Colby’s back, lulling his best friend to sleep. “I want to be here for you. And I told you already; in sickness and in health.”
Colby hummed, closing his eyes. “In sickness and in health.”
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- Loss of appetite
Throughout his research and multiple talks with doctors, Sam knew that one of the most important things was for Colby to maintain a healthy diet, as his body was exposed to the harsh treatment of the chemotherapy. He had even looked up all the meals that had were the most nutritious, as Colby couldn’t take any supplements during the chemotherapy — apparently, it could’ve messed up the process and all that.
But, really, Sam shouldn’t have been that surprised when one specific side effect showed up, ruining his plans.
Colby was losing his appetite. Rapidly so.
Sam had read that it wasn’t that uncommon for patients to develop an eating disorder throughout their chemotherapy cycles, as a lot of them began associating food with a sense of discomfort.
Yeah, no. He refused to let that happen — one cycle of chemotherapy was one thing, but trying to recover from an eating disorder could’ve taken fucking years.
“The food’s ready,” said Sam, as he walked into the living room. Colby was resting on the couch after his daily hike earlier that morning. Frankly, he was more than happy about the fact that his best friend found a way to cope, even as the hikes usually left him exhausted for hours — it was still a way for him to unwind and clear his head, as he walked for hours and hours at times.
“Not hungry,” mumbled Colby, not even opening his eyes. “Feeling weird.”
Sam bit the inside of his cheek. Yeah, he figured that much. Again, the amount of research that he’d done was almost concerning, losing sleep over it, as he stared at the too bright screen of his computer. But he also knew that he couldn’t let it go too far, as this was a slippery slide.
“Just a little bit,” argued Sam, keeping his voice gentle. “Your body needs nutrition.”
Colby groaned, dragging his hands over his face. “Yeah, well, all the fucking food I can eat tastes so fucking bland, so having a deep breath for lunch has the same fucking effect,” he snapped, before wincing. Finally, he opened his eyes, looking at Sam with guilt written all over his face. “Sorry. I didn’t… ah, fuck. I didn’t want to snap like that.”
Sam sighed, but offered his best friend a soft smile. He couldn’t hold it against Colby, even if he’d tried — he knew just how heavy it was on him, so how could he possibly blame the man for snapping from time to time? “Don’t apologize, I get it,” he said, as he walked closer to the couch, sitting down next to Colby. “And I know the meals are bland, trust me, I know, but we’re trying to make sure your body still gets enough nutrients and that it won’t trigger the nausea again.”
Colby nodded mutely, sitting up, He folded his hands in his lap, picking at the skin around his nails. “Is it weird to say that I’m so fucking excited to eat whatever I want again?”
Sam laughed, leaning against Colby. “No, not weird at all,” he answered, his lips curling up in a bright smile. “When it’s over, I’m taking you to any restaurant you want, and you can order the most unhealthy food you’ll find.”
Colby put one hand over his chest, feigning surprise. “Oh my, are you inviting me on a date?” he asked with a wide grin. He always looked younger like this — it had always reminded Sam of when they were just two stupid kids, not having to worry about a single thing in the world.
These days, he missed those carefree moments. He missed the naivety and foolishness of it all. But he wouldn’t have traded the present they were given for anything else in the world. Because being in the present with Colby meant that they could slowly work towards their future — side by side, like it’d always meant to be.
“Maybe it is,” agreed Sam with a lazy shrug. “But it comes with a condition.”
Colby groaned, rolling his eyes, the action exaggerated. “Let me guess. I still have to eat the bland food.”
Sam nodded. “Bingo.”
“Fiiine,” dragged out Colby, slumping in his seat. “Bring it to me, I guess.”
Sam laughed, but was already standing up to go to the kitchen. Yes, it was still difficult on some days, but they could do this. Step by step and side by side.
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- Brain fog
When doing his research, there were numerous side effects that weren’t as common for people, or the side effects were seen as ‘not that serious’. Well, Sam wanted to disagree — especially when it was causing Colby distress.
It started off with small things. Colby misplaced a couple of things throughout the day, but Sam was always there to remind him where everything was. Then, it continued with Colby forgetting why he came into a room, his face pinched in a complicated expression. The worst one, though, was when Colby was talking, suddenly not remembering where he was even going with the story. On those occasions, he got completely quiet, opting to give up.
Oh, and Sam fucking hated it. The way Colby’s expression crumbled each time it happened was heartbreaking. Because Colby had always been the stronger one of the two, never knowing what ‘give up’ even meant. So, to see him get like this…
“It’s okay,” said Sam, keeping his voice gentle, when Colby groaned in frustration, when he couldn’t remember what he wanted to say. “We were talking about your morning hike. You said you saw something and wanted to show me,” he murmured, reminding Colby of what was just said, hoping to help his best friend trace his steps back.
Colby bit the inside of his cheek, narrowing his eyes, as he stayed quiet for another moment. Then, finally, his face lit up and he gasped. “Okay, yeah! I know!”
Sam smiled so wide it was hurting his cheeks, but how could he not? Colby getting even slightly excited about anything during this whole mess was enough of a reason for Sam to smile. Because even when everything seemed to be hopeless, Sam was going to make sure that his best friend still found a reason to get happy.
“Right, yeah,” continued Colby, unlocking his phone. He tilted his head to the side for Sam to see — it was a picture of a rabbit, looking straight into the camera, seemingly unbothered by a human in its vicinity. “This little guy had no sense of self-preservation!”
Sam giggled, leaning against Colby, as he looked at more of the pictures of the little guy. “I mean, you are adored by small animals,” he noted, shrugging one shoulder. “Well, adored by everyone, honestly.”
Colby hummed, as he tilted his head just enough to look at Sam.“Do you adore me?” he asked, raising one eyebrow.
“More than anyone in the world,” replied Sam with no hesitation.
Colby nodded curtly, his cheeks heating up ever so slightly. “Well, that’s nice.”
“Is it?” mused Sam, his expression amused.
“Indeed it is,” replied Colby with an almost shy smile. He looked so fucking cute like this.
════❖════
- Hair loss
One of the main reasons why Colby was so hesitant about chemotherapy in the first place was hair loss. Yes, his best friend knew it sounded vain, but honestly? Sam did understand it. Their whole jobs consisted of being perceived and looked at all the fucking time, so, of course Colby was hesitant.
Plus, it would’ve added yet another thing to the uncomfortable pile that surrounded the whole cancer treatment.
And that was exactly why Sam started to looking into possible ways on how to prevent the hair loss in the first place. Most of the articles were essentially saying that a patient was just supposed to accept their fate, as there wasn’t much to do, since hair follicles were one of the weakest cells and got destroyed almost immediately.
Unfortunately for those people, Sam was a stubborn motherfucker. And he really wasn’t good at giving up.
His stubbornness was what led him to finding an article on cold capping — it wasn’t even something that was backed by science yet, though, the explanation did make sense. Okay, Sam knew he was nowhere near to be a professional, but there was some good logic behind it, alright?
Sam got in contact with one of the people, even offering to fly the guy out. While talking about it, he asked if there was a possibility to get taught this technique — Sam could hear the hesitation in the guy’s voice, making him sigh.
“Listen,” began Sam, swallowing around nothing, “I know it’s probably a lot to ask, and I’m not even some… professional. I know that, but my best friend really needs it. This is one of the things he’s been stressed about a lot, and I really want to make this more bearable for him, y’know? I want to help him however I want.”
Once the explanation was done, the guy agreed, making Sam smile and almost whoop with excitement. He was warned that the procedure was tedious and time-consuming, but Sam couldn’t care less — anything for Colby.
The first few times Sam did the cold-capping, he kept glancing at his notes, squinting his eyes to make sure it was done precisely like it was supposed to be. The last thing he wanted was to mess something up and somehow make it less effective.
Step one: Making sure the cap was frozen to minus twenty-two degree Fahrenheit.
Step two: Making sure the cap is tight enough.
Step three: Making sure the cap gets switched every twenty-five minutes.
Of course, there were other additional things he had to keep in mind, but Sam was finally getting the hang of it by the seventh time he was changing the cap. He was just about to pat himself on the shoulder, honestly, look at him go!
“Are you sure you’re not sick of this?” asked Colby, his voice small, as he watched Sam put the cap in a cooler.
“Sick of what?” asked Sam, as he turned around to face Colby, frowning. “Helping you?”
Colby bit his lower lip harsh enough to leave indents, but nodded, nonetheless. “I mean…” he trialed off. “It’s very time-consuming, no? And you have to set all the alarms and keep changing it and drive around to find all the dry ice—”
“Can you be quiet?” sighed Sam, rubbing his eye. He walked to the couch, before sitting right next to Colby, his expression schooling into something more serious. “You have to cut it out, Colby.”
“Cut out what?” huffed Colby, averting his gaze. “I don’t want you to spend so much time on me, y’know? I shouldn’t… It just doesn’t seem fair.”
Sam shook his head, carefully intertwining their fingers, giving Colby’s hand a soft squeeze. “You know,” he murmured, “you always feel like a burden, even when you’re literally facing something that could kill you.”
Colby only shrugged, looking rather hopeless. “I’m just not sure if I’m worth it.”
“You are,” said Sam, his voice firm, but not unkind. “No matter what you might think, you’re worth it.”
“How do you know?” croaked Colby, finally looking at Sam, his eyes glassy. “How do you know I’m worth it?”
“Because,” began Sam, leaning his forehead against Colby’s, “you’re my best friend. Because I love you. Because I don’t know how to live without you. When I’m helping you, I’m also helping myself. After all these years, I don’t know how to keep on living in a world that doesn’t have you.”
Colby nodded, letting out a quiet sigh. “I just feel like I’m too much.”
“Never too much,” argued Sam, shaking his head. “You’re perfect.”
“Oh, so I’m perfect?” asked Colby, even as his voice turned tight. “Tell me more. Flattery might just get you everywhere.”
“You’re impossible,” groaned Sam, even as his shoulders shook with the force of his giggles. Slowly, as if not to startle Colby, he leaned in, pressing a fleeing kiss against Colby’s lips — it was almost chaste, barely every there, but it made Colby giggle.
“Well, you’re stuck with me, so guess you just gotta deal with me,” replied Colby, pressing the softest of kisses against Sam’s cheek.
“I’m not dealing with you, actually,” argued Sam, as he stood up to walk to the freezer with the dry ice. “I’m taking care of you, there’s a difference.”
Colby watched him for a moment, his eyes wide, before he nodded ever so slightly. He wiped at his eyes, sniffling quietly, before smiling brightly. “Yeah,” he whispered. “Please, take care of me.”
Sam nodded, as he walked back with the cap. “Always.”