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She can’t say she’s surprised when she hears the news.
Moscow, her and Anatoly’s apartment. Her children aren’t home yet – it unsettles her that the people watching them are so familiar with her family’s schedule that they know when her children are at their music lessons. She pushes that from her mind as she unlocks the door, knowing who will be on the other side without having to look through the peephole.
“Svetlana Mikhailovna. May I come in?”
She nods, stepping aside so Alexander Molokov, her husband’s (former) handler, can enter the small apartment. He takes his coat off, hanging it on the coat rack, before sitting on the loveseat and gesturing for her to sit next to him, like it was his apartment and not hers.
Sitting next to him, Svetlana tries to smile as he puts a hand on hers. His expression is both pitying and something sharper.
“Comrade Molokov. To what do I owe the pleasure?”
He sighs. She notices that he looks tired. “Your husband has flown to England with Florence Vassy, the chess second of the former American champion. I’m sorry to have to tell you.”
He doesn’t look particularly sorry. He’s studying her face, and, perhaps fortunately for her, she does feel real shock and sadness upon hearing it. She’s sure it shows on her face.
“What?” she breathes, pressing a hand over her mouth.
Svetlana knows that her husband isn’t happy. She’s known that for years – their marriage has deteriorated to the point of unrecognizability. There was a time, a long time ago, when they’d been very in love, and wanted to have each other all the time, and it seemed like it would always be that way. But then – chess. It wasn’t like she thought that he’d give it up entirely, considering it was his main form of income, but she didn’t anticipate how quickly he’d rise in the ranks. With success came neglect – neglect of her, neglect of their daughter, and later on, neglect of their son. So, yes, she’s shocked that he left, but not because she didn't think he wanted to. It’s because she didn’t think he had the courage to leave. And, yes, she’s sad, but not because of a betrayal of their wedding vows — they’re vows that they have both broken by now. Even though Anatoly has not been a good husband to her, and not a good father to their children, his leaving is taking away their father entirely. That is why she is sad.
Svetlana doesn’t realize she’s started to cry until Alexander hands her his handkerchief.
“Thank you.”
“Take your time, my dear.”
She takes a deep breath, and wipes her eyes before looking back at him. “Is he going to come back? Did he say?”
“We can’t be certain. Not yet. But, considering he’s applying for political asylum…” he trails off delicately, lets her form her own conclusions.
“Damn him.”
Alexander doesn’t reply to that, and instead clears his throat. “Did he seem like he had any intention to defect before he left for Italy?”
“No… He never seems like he wants to be here, but I thought that was more my fault.”
“Don’t be so hard on yourself. You are already aware he was a serial cheater.”
That seems unfair, and one-sided, considering Svetlana’s own string of lovers that she’s certain Alexander knows about. However, she won’t say anything. His pity for her, if that’s what this is, is beneficial to her and her children. It’ll work in their favor when he reports back to whoever he reports to.
“Yes. I know.”
“Did he act any differently? Pack more than usual?”
She shakes her head. “No. He’s always distant, now.”
Alexander nods. “I didn’t expect him to have been different. We believe it was a spur of the moment decision.”
She doesn’t have to ask why they came to talk to her, then. He was trying to see what she knew – it was a test, and she passed. Why if they thought it was a split second decision they thought that she would have had anything to do with it isn’t something she knows, but it is very good that she truly knew nothing about it. Staying on his good side, and by extension the good side of the government, will mean the world if Anatoly truly does not return.
“What will I do? What will happen to us?”
“Nothing will happen to you, my dear, please don’t worry. You may stay in your apartment, and nothing will happen to your job. I fear you may not be as welcome in society as you used to be, but that shouldn’t be an issue, should it?”
“Of course not,” she replies faintly. At least she has the apartment. That’s what matters, isn’t it? She and her children won’t have to be moved into another family’s place, adding insult to injury.
“I’ll most likely be back at some point soon to inform you about the situation as we find out about it.” Alexander stands, offering his hand to help her up, which she takes. “It pains me to have to tell you all of this.”
“I’d rather know.” Svetlana isn’t actually sure if that’s true, but it’s what he wants to hear.
He walks back to the door, and she trails behind him, not wanting to do anything out of the ordinary.
“Sveta,” he says, so overfamiliar she feels her heart jump, “here is my phone number, both at work and at home. If you ever need anything, please reach out to me. I am here to help you and your family.”
“Thank you, comrade.”
“You can call me Sasha, if you’d like.”
“Thank you, Sasha.” It feels wrong to refer to him like that, but he smiles when she says it, and it’s slightly more genuine than anything she’d seen on him before.
Then he leaves, and she’s left alone in her empty apartment. Part of Svetlana wants to break down and sob in their – her bed, but she can’t. She knows the children will be home soon, and she doesn’t want them to find out their father decided to abandon them by seeing their mother having a nervous breakdown.
It’s true that Anatoly has applied for political asylum, and something she’d hoped might have ended after a few weeks continues to stretch out.
Things are very difficult.
Svetlana didn’t anticipate how much it would affect her socially, affect her children socially. She is ignored at work unless she’s needed for her expertise, her children, especially Nadya who is older, are called traitors by their classmates. Worse, the woman in their apartment building who used to let Svetlana’s children come over to play after school, since Svetlana works long hours, no longer feels comfortable around her, or evidently around her children. Of course, many families just let their children be home alone, but Misha is so young, and Nadya isn’t of an age that Svetlana feels good leaving her to take care of her little brother, Nadya’s hearing issues aside.
She’s left to beg her own mother to stay with them, a hellish endeavor filled with beratement about choosing the wrong man to marry and uncomfortable conversations with the children who cannot understand their grandmother’s accented Russian. After one argument too many, her mother insists she has to leave, and then Svetlana is back where she started.
She’d been occasionally seeing Alexander throughout all of this. He comes over when he knows she’s alone, which is a little creepy, but she’d rather that than her mother asking her all about this other man or her children having to be around during the tense conversations they tend to have. It isn’t all bad, though. Sometimes he brings her gifts – tea, a book, things like that. It’s awfully kind.
Svetlana never asks him for anything. The idea of being in debt to him, and by extension the KGB, is extremely unappealing.
That might have to change.
“I’d like to ask a favor, if you don’t mind,” she says the next time they see each other, this time in the late evening, when her children are already in bed. Anatoly has been gone for over half a year now.
“Anything, Sveta.”
Alexander is so intense, even in such a casual setting as her apartment.
“I don’t have anyone to watch my children while I’m at work. Nadya does a lot of activities after school, but she says she’s being excluded more than usual, the same with Misha at his after-school care, and my neighbor who used to watch them twice a week refuses to have anything to do with me anymore. I just… I don’t know what to do. I can’t leave work early, they already have a negative opinion of me after everything. And Nadya is responsible, but she’s not so old that she can watch Misha by herself. I need help.”
He puts a hand on her knee, comforting. “I’m sorry. I can certainly see if we have anyone to help with that.”
“Someone?”
“I’m sure we have people who are good with children.”
“I don’t trust someone I’ve never met to take care of my children!” It’s ridiculous, she thinks, because isn’t that what she was just asking him for?
Alexander purses his lips, apparently thinking, and Svetlana is ready to start apologizing when he finally replies. “You’ve met me, Sveta.”
“You?”
“You said it was twice a week, no?”
“Yes, for a couple of hours. But you have a job, like I do.”
He nods. “I do, but it can fit into my job. I know you don’t think I take off work to see you.”
“Of course.” That is true. Alexander visiting her is a job for him, no matter how kind he can be. She knows this.
“I can watch your children, if you’d like me to. If it helps, I’ve watched my sisters’ children before, if you’d like to speak with them.”
Svetlana doesn’t trust him. She knows that he is using her, and will continue to use her. But, in a way, she does trust him with this. She knows he’s reliable, and he’s kind enough to her.
Besides, what options does she have?
So, twice a week, every week Alexander picks the children up from school and sits in the apartment with them. When she told her children about the new arrangement, she told them to tell him nothing about their father, even if he asks. She doesn’t trust him that much.
Nadya, from what she’s seen, generally does her own thing when Alexander is watching them. She’s always been a solitary child, something Svetlana worries about to this day, but she seems happy enough to read or to draw in her bedroom. She only really talks to Alexander to ask about homework, and apparently he’s been helpful. Misha, on the other hand, usually wants to play for a little while, and Svetlana has come home more than once to see Alexander very seriously playing with Misha’s Cheburashka stuffed animal with him. It was cute to see, and she’d just stood in the doorway, smiling, until Misha noticed his mama was home.
Svetlana hadn’t anticipated this working so well.
And, sometimes, she asks Alexander to stay for dinner. Sometimes, he accepts. Sometimes, she asks him to stay for a drink after dinner, after she puts the children to bed, and he sometimes accepts. At a certain point, he brings her a bottle of good-quality alcohol to make up for what they’ve had together. She feels like a fool drinking around a KGB agent, but they feel more like friends than anything else at this point.
After a while, they end up in bed together. Anatoly has been gone for over a year.
It isn’t very frequent. The majority of their time spent together, by that point, is spent either with the children or discussing the children – scheduling, mostly.
But, when they have time and she’s sure they won’t be disturbed, she’ll pull him into her bedroom, with him trying to get her clothes off as soon as the door closes. It’s not the same as it was with Anatoly. Anatoly, while passionate, preferred sex to be quick and in the dark. There was barely time for more foreplay than was necessary for her to be wet. By the time he left, they hardly had sex at all. Alexander, on the other hand, seems to take pleasure in dragging her pleasure out, with his own as almost an afterthought. Still, there’s something practiced and almost mechanical about the way he fucks her. Svetlana isn’t complaining, though, not when he kisses her before lowering his head between her legs, not when he plays with her chest when she’s on top, not when he always makes sure she’s enjoying what they do together.
Sex with him is just sex, though. With Anatoly, the sex came with marriage and the promise of love. With Alexander, it seems like it’s purely because they’re attracted to each other. Part of her prefers that, especially with how little she trusts him still. She trusts him to watch her children, and trusts him in bed, but otherwise she doesn’t let herself forget that he is KGB. All his helpful advice and kindness is part of his job watching her. She’s certain he would switch to threatening her the moment she became uncooperative with the state. It’s hard to forget about what is rumored to have happened to previous chess champions, and Anatoly isn’t even here to face consequences.
Anatoly has been gone for three and a half years. Their children are growing up. Nadya is almost a teenager, now, and won’t tolerate any discussion of her father. Misha hardly even remembers him – most of what he knows of his father is what Svetlana has told him. The talk around their family’s scandal has finally lessened. People are moving on.
Svetlana still sees Alexander even though Nadya is able to watch her brother now. What they have is a convenient arrangement. Sometimes she even goes to his apartment, if the children aren’t home, and gets to see little pieces of his life outside of her. His life outside of the job. Despite herself, she’s grown attached. She thinks he has, too, but she can’t be sure. The children like him, too. They look forward to when he comes to dinner. That can’t mean nothing to him.
Svetlana is at his apartment, much more spacious than her own despite him living alone. They had a brief, short amount of time free, so she made her way over to see Alexander. The gentleman he is, he insisted on making tea for the both of them and offered her food. He always does this, and she can’t say she doesn’t enjoy it.
Only after he’s taken care of her do they kiss, and, oh, he is a good kisser. She does enjoy this with him. It’s hard to trust him, but maybe that’s for the best. The last time she trusted a man, look what happened to her. This is just sex, nothing else, and Anatoly won’t be able to do anything about it if he comes back, because of Alexander’s position in the government.
And, importantly, she enjoys it. She’s doing something for herself, she isn’t sacrificing what she wants for Anatoly and her family like she’s had to do for so long. It grates on a person, having to be the only one giving things up for so long. Although, she supposes if you asked Anatoly, he’d say he gave up plenty.
He doesn’t matter. Certainly not now, when Svetlana is in bed with a different man.
After sex, they lie in bed together. Since they’re at his apartment, he’s opened a window and is smoking.
“I do need to speak to you about something serious, my dear,” he says, and glances at her. She’s sure she looks a mess right now, but that isn’t exactly her fault, is it?
“Oh. What is it?” This is it, Svetlana thinks. This is when he tells me he’s been using me. She already knew it was happening, but hearing it will change things.
“You must know the next chess championship will be happening in six months in Thailand.”
“Yes, I know. My husband will be there, I assume.”
“As will I. Someone has to keep track of our new champion,” he adds on. “He’s been known to wander. Not like your husband, just within the city, and we can’t have that in a place where he doesn’t speak the language.”
“I understand.”
“You do. However, I’d like it if you came along.”
This is along the lines of what she expected. “To Bangkok?”
Alexander nods. “Yes, my dear. We believe you could be a unique asset in convincing your husband to return home.”
“Convincing him,” she repeats, derisive. “There’s no convincing him.”
He suddenly grabs her hands, looking her in the eyes. “Sveta, you must try. His refusal to return could spell disaster for many of us, including your family.”
Svetlana looks at him, searching his face for any hint of truthfulness. She can’t parse his expression, she never has been able to. “I understand.”
“Thank you. I can help you arrange for childcare for while we’re away.”
Part of her thought that he would let her bring the children with, but a chess tournament in another country is no place for a seven year old, and she can’t just bring Nadya. “That would be nice. Thank you, Sasha.”
“Let’s see if we can bring your husband home, yes?”
Home. Does Anatoly belong in her home, anymore? Does he have a home to return to with her? The apartment, maybe. Whatever was between them all those years ago is lost, or at least she’d like to think so. It isn’t so easy to drop the man you’ve had two children with, but, then again, he had no issue leaving her.
“I’m sure I can help him see reason.”
“Good, Sveta,” Alexander says, smiling. He looks relieved, in a way, and kisses her chastely before helping her to redress.
Back at her own apartment, alone, Svetlana sits on her bed, head in her hands. She had no choice but to agree to go, but she knows that nothing good can come of her going to Thailand with Alexander. Her husband has been away for almost four years. What is she to him anymore?
Svetlana isn’t like him. She does think of her family, and because of that, she will be going. There’s more to life than what one person wants, and what she wants matters much less than what other people want from her. That has been clear since she found out Anatoly defected.
If she has to go, she’s going to commit to it. She can’t divorce Anatoly if he’s unreachable in another country, and her children need a father, despite what Nadya says. And Anatoly owes her this. Svetlana is his wife, and has never asked him for anything even though he’s always asked for everything from her. She’ll do whatever she can to bring him back.
And, who knows? Maybe she’ll like Bangkok. Svetlana has always wanted to travel, after all.