Work Text:
"So? Mello, have you decided where we're gonna go?"
Matt asked, a bit cautious. He wouldn't want Mello to whip him again. Or would he..
"Ugh, I don't know!!" Mello snapped, Matt flinched like an abused wife.
Suddenly, a random guy appeared out of their fridge.
"Добар дан, ја сам Вучић."
Said the president of Serbia.
"What the fuck?!" Mello and Matt both spoke at the same time, taking a cautious step back. Matt pulled out a dildo and swung it around out of instinct.
"Смирите се, дечки! Дошао сам да вам кажем да дођете у Србију!"
"What the fuck is he sayi–" Mello started, but Matt cut him off.
"He wants us to go to Serbia!" Matt exclaimed, pointing at Вучић.
Mello was a bit pissed he got interrupted, but there was no time for that now. Вучић was here and they had to make a good first impression.
"Serbia, eh? What's so good in there?" Mello asked, not entirely convinced about going there.
Matt, however, pulled a massive Serbian flag out of his ass (literally) and started running around the room singing Serbian songs.
He ripped his clothes off to reveal a big "I LOVE SERBIA" tattoo on his chest, his nipples served as the dots on the letter i.
He started flexing, his muscles sending such vibrations, that Tito himself rose from the dead to admire Matt's love for Serbia and they all started eating ћевапи and сарме.
"Matt, what the fuck?!" Mello yelled out, stomping his foot angrily and looking super confused, maybe a bit jealous.
He turned around, pissed. He happened to look at a conveniently placed mirror and he screamed.
"GAH!"
Mello was turning into a Countryhuman!!
"КОЈИ КУРАЦ?"
Matt, Вучић and Тито all looked at Mello and gasped.
"He's becoming a true Serbian!"
"Немогуће!"
Mello screamed so hard as his head started getting literally buttfucked by the full on history of Serbia, he was going through multiple seizures trying to merely comprehend it all.
Soon enough, his head blew up.
However, due to me being here and being the writer, Mello's blood cells have evolved into miniature Mellos that started running around yelling "САМО СЛОГА СРБИНА СПАШАВА!!!!" and started running straight to Дунав.
Matt blinked in utter disbelief, and suddenly all his company disappeared. He huffed and got up to run after the miniature Mello gang.
...
"Mello!" Matt called out, barely any energy left in him, having walked hours upon hours upon DAYS to find him.
"Хајп паре паф..." A faint sound of.. singing could be heard..?
"Mello?!" Matt turned towards it and started running.
"I'M COMING, MELLO!" Matt jumped, turned into a transformer and CRASHED into the rock the singing was coming from
"Badassatron. 🤖"
The rock shattered, and revealed who seemed to be... FARAON?!
No, not that Faraon. The Serbian Faraon.
"W-What?!" Matt gasped, taking a step back in surprise.
"FARAON?!" He yelled out of pure shock.
"WHERE'S MELLO?! WHAT DID YOU DO TO HIM?!"
"Фараон..." Faraon said, but Matt could sense Mello's presence deep within Faraon... his soul must've been trapped!
"I'll get you out..." Matt said and then grabbed Faraon's shoulders, flipped him over and slid it in anonymously, SO HARD THAT FARAON SPAT—
... Tommy Cash out..?
Matt paused and blinked.. What the fuck.
"Buongiorno" Tommy Cash said but Matt spoke up immediately after him
"Where's Mello?!"
"Che cosa" Tommy pulled out an espresso and started drinking it
"Ugh- Whatever! Help me out a bit!" Matt was tired of everyone's bullshit already
"Ok" Tommy gave him a thumbs up but the harsh movement of his arm made his pants fall down so the entirety of Poland started going at him but it was all an macchiato illusion. The labubus are coming.
Suddenly FARAON spoke up.
"Слатка мала нервозица" Faraon winked at Matt and Matt spat at him, which gave Faraon HIV.
So Faraon turned to Tommy and checked him out
"Av av" Tommy barked at Faraon and started doing a mating dance which- Wait WHOA WHAT'S HAPPENING!!!!! WHERE ARE AE GOING?!
...
That was unexpected. Seems like Tommy Cash's Espresso Macchiato dance shattered the universe. Even Liu Kang himself can't fix this. Because he's dead. I said so.
Not even I can fix this..
"Quindi tutti quanti okay"
Tommy please get out of my narration.
"Ok"
Tommy drove off in his stupid fuckass little car.
He arrived at school
"Buongiorno" Tommy greeted the teacher
"Седи доле" said Verica, the teacher
"Ok"
...
Tommy listened to the teacher speak, but since we are in a completely broken timeline and universe, we're floating around in a classroom filled with water and chicken nuggets floating around as well. They aren't soggy.
"A", come "Amore"
"B", come "Banana"
Tommy started spewing some bullshit and crap and the teacher yelled at him.
"УЋУТИ СЕ!!!!!!" Verica yelled, spawning a fucking tsunami????
"Ok" Tommy looked down at his book that he has to sit on so he doesn't sink in the water because he can't swim. And because we share braincells.
He didn't even have to read the words in his book, because Faraon on the other side of the room used the Hello Kitty vibrator that's up Tommy's ass to send Tommy signals of what's in his book and what they're learning.
(This text is on Serbian)
-"Ishrana priplodnog podmlatka u govedarstvu. Ovo je najbitniji period ishrane i greske u ovom periodu se ne mogu popraviti. Pravilnom ishranom u ovom periodu obezbedjujemo: zdravlje i dugovecnost, plodnost, odgovarajuci kvalitet sperme kod muskih grla.
U ishrani junica koristimo kvalitetnu kabastu heanu i smese koncentrata sa 12-14% proteina. Od kabaste hrane koristimo kvalitetno seno, silazu, koreno krtolasta hraniva, pasu, a smese koncentrata max 12kg sto zavisi od uzrasta junica.
Kod muskih priplodnih grla ogranicava se upotreba kabastih hraniva. Zato u ishrani koristimo koncentrovanu smesu."-
After Tommy heard that, he felt motivated, and rock hard, so he stood up and to apply for a grade he had to recite the whole bible on Japanese successfully. But the berries were secretly singing it to him.
"Wow, great work! Now come here and demonstrate what you've learnt!"
Tommy (and Faraon) float towards the front of the class that consists of Black Jack, Kanye West, BTS and Jennifer Lopez including the whole country of Italia but all converted into a singular sasquatch holding souls of millions.
The moment of truth!!!
Faraon turned into a male cow, mooing. Then he gave birth.
Tommy has to feed his child the proper amount of food, and the right types of food for his growth, because feeding mistakes at this age are not fixable later on.
"Aww.. cosi carino"
Tommy cracked his knuckles and his dick because all the brains are down there.
"Okay so let me ask myself, why do I gotta take care of this? And what do I get out of it?"
Tommy grew a second head named Tomasso Contanti.
"The answer is: za zdravlje i dugovecnost, plodnost i odgovarajuci kvalitet sperme"
"Wow thank you Tomasso."
"Kod muskih priplodnih grla ogranicava se ishrana kabastih hraniva.. so that means I should give this child koncentrovana smesa!"
Tommy gave the mini Faraon cow concentrated mixture and hay.
"Wow! Good job!" Verica said, and the mini cow was fed nicely.
"It's your turn, Faraon!"
"Хоћу само хајп паре паф"
"Nooo Faraon, studying first, then hype money and puff!"
Faraon transformed back, but due to a little mistake he now has a permanent boner and a twitching toe.
Tommy turned into a cow as well and birthed out a female child that Faraon has to feed.
"Okay Faraon, we heard Tommy say it, so now you should repeat!"
"Исхрана у овом периоду је веома битна јер грешке у исхрсни се не могу испрсвити касније. Овом исхраном обезбеђујемо плодност, здравље и дуговечност и добар квалитет сперме код мушких грла."
"Good job, now feed this child before it withers away."
Faraon stopped to think.. then he grew a Fyodor Dostoyevsky on his left tit since he didn't have a shirt on. Fyodor used his mind power that is connected to Faraon's tits to make them vibrate and move to the beat of a song that a band named Limp Dick made back in 2000 that when put in the morse code translator gave the exact answer to the question he needs.
"У исхрани јуница користимо кабасту хрсну и смеше концентрата са 12-14% протеина. Квалитетно сено, силажа и сенажа, корено кртолста хранива, паша с конц. хрснива што зависи од узраста јунице."
"Wow, good job! Now feed it." Verica clapped it up for Faraon, but since Faraon was too slow the child withered away, but since the child was still connected to its umbilical cord, Tommy Cash started withering away as well.
Now, I'm a big fan, so I will revive him either way.
The bell rang, and everyone was dismissed.
...
Hello guys I'm back sorry everyone got memory loss because the labubus were starting war with the ☹️Gogols that were starting a riot against the fact that Fyodor was trapped within Faraon's tits. I'm not on hardcore crack I'm on coca cola
Tommy Cash woke up, looking around in confusion. Why are there cows everywhere? What is he supposed to do? It's time to ask Tomasso Contanti.
"Heeelp. Help, type shit. Help ig? Ong like help or smth"
Tomasso Contanti appeared as a beautiful gorgeous prince with unlimited aura with money to bless Tommy Cash.
Tommy, on the other side, looked utterly hideous and dirty and very stinky. Probably because five seconds ago he was a piece of shit on the ground
"Tommy, Ascolta le mie parole, figlio mio."
Tomasso spoke, his voice alone making everyone in his presence ten times more spiritually hornier.
"Ok" Tommy nodded like a peasant. But a nonchalant peasant.
"Figaro
When I'm growing old, I'll be like Figaro
Loving everybody like that Figaro
That Gigolo
Singing 'Ole-ole-oh'"
Tomasso simply blessed everyone, words don't even come near the accurate description of how majestic he is right now... before he suddenly got hit by a snail meteor!
SNAILS ARE EVERYWHERE!!!!
"SCATTER!!" Sasuke said- Wait what the fuck are you doing here?
"I don't know this is your fic."
You're right. Can I still pay my singular kidney for some meth?
"Sure"
Okay meet me after this fic.
"Deal."
"EVERYONE FLEE!!!" Tommy yelled out as the previously mentioned miniature blood cell Mellos started scattering around everywhere like spider children who's mother just got crushed to death.
"AAAAAAH!!!"
Hell is upon everyone, but I'll save them!!
KYAH!!
Tommy Cash woke up. AGAIN. Surrounded by cows.
"Who said that?!" Tommy asked– wait what? You can hear me?
"... I don't remember smoking anything." Oh my God listen just pretend I'm not here and not narrating your every move
"Ok"
Tommy Cash looked around. Cows. Seems familiar. Oh, right. The italian cows. They're after you, Tommy.
"I'm starting to think I seriously smoked something crazy." Shut the fuck up you're making me look crazy
"My bad big bos–"
"bump it up! 🤞🤞🤞" What?
A guy named Marsh came in with a massive tank with the shooting thing of it in a massive dildo shape.
Holy fucking shit what the fuck is happening.