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“Mum?”
“Oh baby, what is it? Did something happen?”
Nick burst out crying.
“Oh darling! Shhh, I’ll be right over.”
Sarah gasped involuntarily when Nick opened the door and she saw his puffy, red rimmed eyes. He tried to put on a smile, but that failed spectacularly.
Without another word Sarah rushed forward and pulled her youngest into her arms, stroking his messy hair.
He had never looked so lost.
“Oh Mum, I fucked up! I destroyed everything!” he sobbed, and she just held him, letting him cry.
Sometimes, that’s all you can do.
And Sarah would always.
Even if it broke her heart.
After Nick had cried for some time (Sarah had gently pushed him inside in order to close the door and give them some privacy) and started to calm down, Sarah gently released him from her arms and stroked his cheek. “Let’s have some tea.”
Nick let out a wet laugh. “Yeah, let’s,” he just said, leading her into the kitchen after hanging up her coat on the rack.
“Why don’t you go and put the kettle on while I try to find something to go with it?” Sarah said upon entering the kitchen. She had a feeling Nick needed to do something.
“Yes, thanks,” Nick sounded relieved. “Check the second top drawer, I think there might be some muffins left if Charlie hasn’t -” He stopped dead, biting his tongue. Silently he looked at his mum for a brief moment, long enough for her to see the tears glistening there. Then he silently turned around and grabbed the kettle.
When their tea was ready Nick came over to the table and placed her mug in front of Sarah. She gave him a grateful smile but said nothing. Then he sat down opposite her, putting his own mug down, thoughtfully watching the rising steam.
Sarah could tell he was struggling for words. But, just like all these years ago, she didn’t jump in. He needed to find the words himself.
So she waited.
“Why isn’t it enough?” Nick finally asked tonelessly.
Sarah had just taken a sip of her tea. Now she set the mug down and looked at her son. “What do you mean, darling?”
“Why isn’t our love enough? Why aren’t I enough?”
“Baby, you are enough, you’ve always been!”
“And why then did I ruin the best thing that’s ever happened to me?”
Sarah took another sip of her tea. She tried to find the right words. Nick was so protective over Charlie that he might just snap at her without really listening to what she was trying to say. “I love Charlie. Dearly. You know I do. But maybe you shouldn’t take on the whole responsibility for the - state you’re in?”
Nick chuckled darkly. “You mean the mess we’re in?”
She extended her hand and met Nick’s over the kitchen table. “Do you want to talk about what happened?”
At this question one word shot through Nick’s mind.
Rapist.
He closed his eyes and breathed heavily.
“I - I have some sort of medical condition that I didn’t tell him about.”
All blood drained from Sarah’s face. “Baby …” she said in a panicked voice.
“God, no, Mum!” You’re such an idiot! “Nothing like that, promise! I’m not gonna die or anything!”
Sarah tried to hold it together, but she couldn’t stop the sob that escaped her lips.
“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have phrased it like that,” Nick said apologetically, reaching for her hand.
She met him and gave him a squeeze, the colour slowly returning to her face. She quickly drank some tea.
Nick sighed deeply, his heart rate slowly returning to normal. “It’s just something that - complicates things for Charlie and me.”
Sarah nearly choked on her tea. Nick looked at her, utterly embarrassed and slightly pink.
“I see,” Sarah mumbled into her tea. “And you didn’t tell him?”
Nick looked uncomfortable. “I - I - no, I guess I didn’t,” he trailed off. "I really thought I was doing the right thing. For both of us. But now ...."
He stood up angrily, taking his mug to the sink and starting to wash up - quite a lot of dishes and mugs had accumulated over the last couple of days. Now he needed to do something.
“He was so angry when I finally told him. Accusing me of shutting him out, of not trusting him. Of not letting him be part of my life. Of deciding on my own what was best for the both of us.”
“Well, didn’t you?” Sarah asked as kindly and lovingly as she could to lessen the sting of the words.
Nick stopped, his hands in the soapy water, and broke into tears.
In a flash Sarah was at his side, hugging him sideways, stroking his cheek.
“I’ve never seen him so hurt, Mum. I mean, he was angry. I know what that looks like by now,” he said bitterly. All the fights he ever had with Charlie flashed before his eyes. Angrily he abandoned the washing up and dried his hands. Then he faced Sarah. “I know I’ve made him angry so many times. But I wasn’t prepared for what it would feel like to hurt him so much. And last night … yeah, I don’t think he’s ever going to talk to me again.”
“Oh baby,” Sarah whispered, pulling him into a full on embrace.
Her mobile pinged on the table. But she stayed put, stroking her son’s hair. “You love each other so deeply. Anyone can see that, even if you don't. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. That you are both going through this.”
Nick gently pulled out of the embrace and went over to the table. “Yeah, I don’t think he loves me very much right now.” He took Sarah’s mug and without asking he went to prepare her another tea, taking out a new mug for himself.
Sarah sighed and went back to her chair. She felt lost in her inability to ease Nick’s pain. Absentmindedly she picked up her phone. A sad smile bloomed on her face when she read the message.
“Sweetheart, he may not love you very much right now. But he still cares about you.”
Nick turned around in surprise. “What do you mean?”
She stood up and joined him on the kitchen counter. As an explanation she showed him her phone screen.
Hey Sarah. Can you go and check on Nick? He needs you.
Nick huffed out in surprise. A tentative smile full of hope and longing slowly appeared on his face as he read the message over and over again. Then he looked up at his mother, tears still in his eyes.
“How can two people love each other that much and still hurt each other so badly over and over again?” he asked pleadingly.
Sarah sighed deeply. “Let me just answer him really quickly, that might ease his mind a bit.”
“Can you check if he called Geoff? I - I sent him a message earlier begging him to get in touch with either Geoff or Tori.”
Sarah looked at him in amazement and with pride. “Of course, darling,” she assured him and then typed out a message. The reply came only after a few moments. Nick sighed in relief.
“He is going to call Tori, Geoff’s on holiday.”
Nick bit his lip. Charlie was lying, but she didn’t need to know that.
Instead he nodded. “That’s good. At least I know he’s not alone.”
They took their fresh tea back to the table and sat down again. Sarah noticed that Nick looked lighter since the worry about Charlie had been taken off a bit. She sighed deeply and took a sip of her tea.
“Back to your question,” she began.
Nick looked at her expectantly. “Yes?” he prompted.
“I think the answer lies in how much you love each other. In my experience the more you love someone, the more they can hurt you. So I guess you and Charlie have an incredible ability to hurt one another.”
Nick nodded sadly. “I guess we’ve proven that on multiple occasions,” he said bitterly. Then he closed his eyes and shook his head emphatically. “But I don’t want to hurt him! I just don’t seem to know how to stop!”
“Then you need to find out,” Sarah offered.
“But what if finding out means I have to leave him?” Nick asked quietly, fear in his voice.
Sarah sighed. “Then I’ll be there for you.”
After Sarah had ushered him out of the kitchen to watch a film, and so she could prepare some dinner, she first set to finish washing up.
She was deeply troubled about the two of them. The part of her that was tired of seeing her son hurt over and over again kind of wished they would just call it quits so they could both find some peace again.
But the part of her that had seen their relationship grow, that had been there for every wonderful moment they had shared with their friends and family wished with all its might that they would be able to figure it out. She was convinced that any other relationship would have long crumbled under the strain. But there had always been something so special about Nick and Charlie, something magical almost, that bound them together. Now it seemed that bond had become a curse, and she didn’t know how to help or what to hope for anymore.
She loved Charlie. She respected him for all that he had achieved, how he always tried, how he had overcome his demons as a teenager. But Nick was her son. She loved him more than her life, and if losing Charlie was what it took for him to be happy again, then …
She pressed her eyes shut. Yes, maybe it would be better for both of them to stop trying.
She just didn’t know how to say that without breaking her own heart.