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In defiance of all Jedi teachings on staying in the present moment and letting go of things, Obi-Wan goes about his days thinking an endless stream of ‘I shouldn’t have done that, I shouldn’t have done that, I shouldn’t have done that.’
He and Anakin got drunk with a few of their men on shore leave, that’s how it started. Anakin’s not been out drinking with Obi-Wan, really ever, since his Knighting. So it was a new experience for them. And it was pleasant. The Outlander was busy, but it was a good night. Cody and Rex let a little loose, once they got a few drinks in. Some of the other men, like Waxer and Fives let more than a little loose. But that was fine too. It was an overall fun night.
And things would have been fine, if he and Anakin hadn’t decided to walk some of the way back to the Temple. They caught an air taxi up the levels, and then got out a bit of a ways from the Temple itself to enjoy the night air and just… be, for once.
They’d stumbled across a park Obi-Wan had never seen before and stopped in it for a few minutes, just taking in the greenery and bantering.
Anakin had just looked so blindingly beautiful, laughing with a completely carefree expression at some comment or another that Obi-Wan made. So Obi-Wan had kissed him.
Just like that. He’d kissed his former Padawan.
Like they weren’t Jedi. Like he hadn’t half raised Anakin. Like there wasn’t a concerning gap between their ages. All of it.
He’d just kissed Anakin. And maybe it would have all been fine if Anakin pushed him away and told him quite firmly no.
Obi-Wan would have felt mortified and apologised profusely, but they’d probably have just moved on and both chalked it up to being drunk. A drunken mistake.
But no. Anakin didn’t push him away. After a moment of remaining frozen under Obi-Wan’s lips, Anakin had melted. His hands had come up to cup Obi-Wan’s neck and pull him in for more. Anakin had kissed back.
And he’d done it with a blistering amount of heat and passion.
They’d stood there kissing for minutes, until Obi-Wan’s mind finally realised the terrible mistake he was making, and he’d pulled away.
Watching the heartbreak play out on Anakin’s face in real time when Obi-Wan had backtracked had made his own chest tighten sharply. But they couldn’t.
They can’t.
They can’t. That’s what it comes down to.
They shouldn’t have done that. Obi-Wan shouldn’t have initiated. Anakin shouldn’t have kissed back. He shouldn’t have looked like Obi-Wan was tearing his heart out when he said they had to forget it.
Anakin’s heartbroken expression and the wet heat of his mouth keep playing in Obi-Wan’s head on a loop. It’s been weeks. They’ve hardly spoken, hardly even looked at each other, since then.
But Obi-Wan can’t forget it. Not matter how hard he tries. All he can do is slip further and further in to guilt. Anakin had wanted it, that much is obvious. But Obi-Wan should never have allowed the idea to even form in the air between them in any meaningful way. He was Anakin’s Master. It’s just too wrong.
It doesn’t matter how much he craves more of the feeling of Anakin’s lips against his own, craves a repeat of that little pleading noise Anakin made against Obi-Wan’s mouth, as he’d melted into the kiss.
It doesn’t matter.
-
The next time Anakin is on the Negotiator, he corners Obi-Wan. At the beginning of Obi-Wan’s rest cycle Anakin steps into his officer quarters without even knocking, bypassing the keypad somehow. Hopefully he only used the Force, Obi-Wan does not want to find out he has to have it repaired in the morning because Anakin broke in.
There’s no time to worry about it now though, because Anakin is crowding him.
“Obi-Wan.” His tone is clipped. Short.
Obi-Wan, foolishly, steps back and back, away from the Knight. Anakin follows him until he has Obi-Wan trapped up against the wall. He brackets his arms on either side of Obi-Wan’s head.
Obi-Wan curses himself softly, for letting himself get so easily cornered.
Anakin has an extremely intense, determined gleam in his eyes. One Obi-Wan knows to dread. Whatever Anakin’s decided to do, he is not going to take no for an answer.
“I haven’t stopped thinking about it since that night, Master. I’m not going to pretend it didn’t karking happen just because you say so.” Anakin leans in close as he speaks, breath fanning out across Obi-Wan’s face.
His eyes drop to Obi-Wan’s lips, and he moves slightly forward, like he’s going to kiss Obi-Wan. Obi-Wan puts a hand over his heart to stop him.
“Anakin we can’t do this, as Jedi. It was a mistake! We have to forget about it. We have to!” He argues snappily in a whisper.
“No.” Anakin replies, with so much steel behind the word that it lands like a wall, blocking Obi-Wan’s protest completely.
“No, I thought you… didn’t want it. I thought that was why…” Uncertainty and pain flash across his face. He’s still eyeing Obi-Wan’s lips.
That was the impression Obi-Wan was hoping to give, trying to. Even if it is utterly false. Anakin is more likely to back off if he thinks Obi-Wan doesn’t feel… exactly what he does.
“But then I thought more about what you said, and what you did.” Anakin continues.
His gaze slowly rises, until he’s pinning Obi-Wan with his stare. Behind that determination is the beginnings of a manic kind of passion that makes Obi-Wan’s heart skip a beat. He wets his lips, mind running ahead to form another counter argument.
But Anakin isn’t done.
“You kissed me.” Anakin whispers. There’s a hundred layers of emotion in his voice.
Awe. Wonder. Frustration. Hunger. Desire. Insecurity. Something desperately tender and exposed.
Love.
That is what brings Obi-Wan up short.
Anakin is looking at him with undisguised devotion. So much of it, he looks almost wild with it.
Obi-Wan’s breath stutters in his throat, and his protests die on his tongue.
“Anakin.” He pleads softly.
It’s barely an objection at all.
“You kissed me, and it wasn’t a mistake. The mistake was letting me know you wanted to.” Anakin whispers, finally finished.
Finished because he’s utterly torn apart all of Obi-Wan’s defences and bared the terrible truth to the light.
Resignation and shame curl inside Obi-Wan’s chest, constricting his lungs. He’s failed. Failed at hiding this. Something he swore to himself years ago he would never let slip. His inappropriate feelings and attachment to his former Padawan. Dragged out into the open despite his wishes and promises.
One night of drinking with Anakin was all it took. Several drinks and a walk through a park had Obi-Wan acting like a young fool and impulsively kissing Anakin. And Anakin has figured out exactly what that meant.
He always has been sharper than most people give him credit for.
“We’re Jedi.” Obi-Wan murmurs.
He doesn’t know when Anakin’s lips got so close to his. They’re only a tiny breadth apart now.
“We are,” Anakin agrees just as softly, “But that isn’t going to stop either of us.”
Obi-Wan opens his mouth to disagree. It is going to stop him, it must.
But Anakin kisses him before he can get a word out.
Anakin kisses him and this time Obi-Wan is sober. His senses are not dulled, his connection to the Force isn’t hazy. Everything is in sharp, crystal clarity. The feeling of want coming off Anakin in the Force is heady and stokes something inside Obi-Wan’s chest. The feeling of his fingers threading through Obi-Wan’s beard bristles makes him shiver.
Anakin’s lips are soft and something is rubbing off of them against Obi-Wan’s mouth. Balm, his mind supplies. Anakin came here intent enough to do this that he put a thin layer of balm on his lips. Obi-Wan shivers at the single-minded focus his Knight has turned his way. It’s always too much. To hold the entire attention of Anakin Skywalker is like looking directly at the sun. It’s like the blast of heat from standing a little too close to a ship taking off. It’s too much.
Obi-Wan wouldn’t have it any other way. There’s no one who can weather that intensity like him. Who loves that about Anakin, the way he does.
He melts into the kiss.
He should pull away. He should argue his point until he’s talked Anakin in a circle. He should at least protest.
There’s a lot of things he should do.
None of them are kiss back fervently. But that is what he is doing.
He startles a little when Anakin opens their Force bond as wide as it reasonably can be. And then he pours himself down it in a flood.
I love you, I love you, I love you Master.
Anakin’s thoughts come through like a signal coming in to range.
Without considering the consequences, Obi-Wan meets him and responds.
I love you Anakin.
He keeps kissing back, pulling Anakin into his arms.