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As a rule, Hayden despised agreeing with anything Rozanov said. Exceptions to the rule were few and far between, totaling just two in recorded history: first, that Shane Hollander is a babe, and second, that mall Santas should be outlawed.
Unfortunately, Jackie insisted that they take the kids every year to get photos with Santa, because she thought it was adorable. Hayden thought it was sinister, but he’d concede this one for the sake of his wife and children. In consolation, Jackie suggested they invite Shane and Ilya along, since it’d probably be the last time they all had a chance to see each other before the holidays.
It was Rozanov that answered when Hayden called Shane’s phone the night before to ask if they’d mind tagging along. He’d sounded vaguely out of breath, but easily agreed. “Sure, text Shane the details.”
Just as Rozanov was hanging up on him, Hayden heard Shane’s muffled groan and complaint of “oh my god, you are the worst!”
It was a strange interaction, but Hayden had endured far weirder situations with Rozanov over the years. Including, apparently, where he now stood with Rozanov at the far end of the line for photos with mall Santa, as Jackie and Shane corralled the kids.
The kids moved quickly through the line. When it was their turn, the mall Santa asked what they each wished for this Christmas.
Their wishes were mostly benign, except–“I wish Uncle Shane and Uncle Ilya could move back to Montreal so we can see them more!”
Hayden sighed and hung his head in disappointment. “Jesus fucking Christ. My own children, and somehow they like you?”
Rozanov smirked. “Clearly you are the only one who is wrong, then. What would you wish for this year instead?”
“I wish for the exact opposite of what they just wished for.”
Rozanov curled his lip in disgust. “Boring. That is not a real wish. Do you need an example? Here: I wish Jackie had better taste in men. Your turn!”
“I wish… that I had a better comeback.”
“Hmm. You know,” Rozanov hummed, “Shane almost had a pretty good cum back last night before you rudely interrupted us with your phone call.”
Hayden’s face scrunched up in confusion, not quite catching the play on words.
“What, you have never finished on Jackie instead of inside of her?” An evil smile appeared on Rozanov’s face. “Oh, wait, nevermind. You have, like, a billion kids, of course you haven’t.”
A wave of emotions washed over Hayden then, a strange combination of annoyance, despair, self-pity, and abject horror. Luckily for him, Shane and Jackie were approaching with the children in tow before Rozanov could say anything else that would scar him for life.
“Shane. Shane! Did you hear what he just said?” Hayden asked hysterically.
He was sure Shane had definitely seen Rozanov’s demonic expression in the moment, but Hayden noted that it was now masked by a look of faux innocence.
“Do I want to know?” his best friend asked, one eyebrow raised.
“What?” Ilya protested. “I was just telling our dear friend Hayden that you have the most amazing comeback I’ve ever seen, moy pomidor.”
There was a beat of silence as Shane processed, but unlike Hayden, he didn’t need any further explanation to understand. His mouth dropped open as he spun around. “Ilya!” He grabbed Rozanov’s wrist and dragged him away from the children to, Hayden hoped, reprimand him.
Based on Rozanov’s cackling and the alarming shade of pink Shane was turning as he spoke, he didn’t think the chastisement would be very effective.