Chapter Text
Normal POV
Natsuki Subaru blankly stared up at the ceiling of the Roswaal Mansion guest room.
It had only been a few hours since he had lost some of his limbs, his eye, and the nerves in his legs completely fried by Rem the oni maid.
The one person Subaru had thought to be his friend, the one he thought could be trusted had turned out to be the one who killed him in the previous loops.
If it wasn't for Emilia, Beatrice, and Puck then Subaru would have for sure died from blood loss. Yet even then, in a haze of madness he had tried to kill himself by biting his tongue off in order to restart back to the first day but...his shitty luck came into effect because the checkpoint had moved forward to the moment where he was saved.
Saved...? Had he truly been saved?
No...he Natsuki Subaru was living in hell!
Every second that crawled by was pain incarnate.
The smell of sterilized cloth, the faint tinge of blood that clung to the room, and the numb chill seeping into his bones from the cold sheet. They all served as a reminder that he was still here.
Still suffering.
His throat was dry his lips cracked.
The phantom pain from his missing arm and leg was unbearable, as if they were still being torn apart over and over. Every nerve screamed for relief that would never come.
His one remaining eye his left stared vacantly at the ceiling unfocused. Yet behind that empty gaze his own thoughts clawed and screamed within him.
Rem… that monster wearing a smile.
He remembered the second loop. How she had looked at him always watching. Not with warmth nor even with curiosity but with something colder. Suspicion and hatred he had brushed it off then thinking it was just her personality but now? Now he saw the truth.
Every polite smile, every cautious glance, every moment she was near him wasn’t kindness. It was just her calculating and watching for the right moment to make him suffer before killing him.
All because she thought he was some sort of witch cultist?! He had explained it to everyone that he had no idea about the smell or who this 'witch' was and confessed he wasn't even from this world only arriving just yesterday when he had saved Emilia from Elsa.
He revealed his thoughts that maybe the assassin had tracked them down and that he wanted to guard the mansion from a distance in order to protect them.
Subaru’s breath suddenly hitched a broken cry slipping past his lips.
If Rem someone he thought he could trust had been waiting for the chance to slaughter him… then who else was wearing a mask in this cursed world?
Could he trust anyone?
Could he trust Ram who had saved him only because Roswaal ordered it?
Could he trust Beatrice?
Could he even trust Roswaal himself?
The world around him suddenly began to lose color.
The soft morning light filtering through the window looked gray. The golden trim of the furniture dulled to ash. The flowers in the vase on the table lifeless, colorless, and rotten in his sight.
All of it was meaningless.
Suddenly the door creaked open softly and Subaru's breath hitched as he thought the demon had come to finish the job, to take his life once more despite Roswaal barring her from ever coming near him.
Yet the footsteps were gentle and then her voice which had a certain chime to it.
“Subaru? Are you awake?”
Color of both silver, white, and purple entered his vision.
His Emilia-tan still had color Subaru thought with buried joy in his chest.
The half-elf stepped in quietly holding a tray. Steam rose from the bowl of porridge and beside it sat bread and a glass of water.
She smiled though worry clouded her expression "I brought you breakfast… Beatrice said you should try to eat something."
Subaru didn’t move his gaze was fixed on her the only living color in his gray, rotting world. He wanted to say something, anything but words felt heavy lodged in the back of his throat like stones.
Her silver hair shimmered in the morning light and her amethyst eyes met his.
"…Emilia-tan," his voice was hoarse, broken as if he’d forgotten how to speak. She stepped closer setting the tray on the bedside table "please eat a little. You need your strength, Subaru."
He looked down at the food. It smelled faintly sweet but his stomach twisted. His mind whispered, what if it’s poisoned? What if she’s lying too? what if the demon had secretly poisoned it without anyone noticing?
Yet when he looked back at her all those thoughts fell apart.
Because she still held color in his remaining vision.
He wanted to reach out to her to cling to her, to beg her not to leave him alone in this broken, colorless world but he couldn’t. His limbs or what was left of them refused to move from the pain he was in.
“…Emilia-tan… I…”
His voice trembled.
“Please…don’t leave me.”
Her eyes widened softening into something that made his chest ache.
“I’m not going anywhere, Subaru,” she whispered sitting beside him and picking up his food so that she could feed "you’re safe now Rem won't come anywhere near you.”
Safe.
That word repeated in his mind, warping, twisting, until it almost made him laugh.
Safe? No there was no safety.
Not here in this hell.
Emilia dipped the spoon into the porridge blowing gently to cool it down. Her movements were soft and delicate like she was afraid he’d shatter if she was too rough and in a way she was right.
"Here," she said, holding the spoon close to his lips "just a little, okay?"
He hesitated.
His gaze flicked from the spoon to her face and back again. The faint steam rising from the bowl seemed almost sinister for a moment, his mind whispering dark possibilities he didn’t want to believe.
Poison, paralysis, or maybe even pity but then he looked at her again her violet eyes trembling with concern and the whispers of his paranoia quieted if only for a moment.
Slowly he opened his mouth and let the spoon touch his lips. Warmth spread across his tongue yet all he could taste was ash oh God the demon had also taken away his ability to taste as well.
The act of even swallowing felt like dragging a boulder down his throat but Subaru forced it down each motion accompanied by the dull throb of phantom pain crawling up his leg and arm.
Emilia smiled faintly "that’s good see? You’re doing great Subaru."
He wanted to say that it didn’t matter.
That nothing mattered.
That he wasn’t "doing great," he was rotting slowly, and painfully but the words wouldn’t leave him. He just nodded faintly, eyes downcast.
Her hand brushed his cheek "you’ve been through something horrible,” she murmured, “but you’re not alone, Subaru we’re all here for you.”
He flinched at those words "all?" he repeated slowly.
The word slipped out before he could stop it filled with quiet bitterness Emilia blinked confusion flickering across her face.
"Y-Yes… all of us. Me, Beatrice, even Ram-"
"Ram," Subaru's voice cracked "you mean the same Ram who only saved me from her monster of a sister because she was told to? Not because she wanted to?”
Emilia’s lips parted but no answer came she looked stricken, unsure, and that only made something inside Subaru twist tighter.
He looked away his remaining eye distant and trembling "I’m sorry Emilia-tan I just… I don’t know who I can trust anymore."
The silence that followed was heavy thick enough to choke on. Emilia didn’t try to fill it she just sat there beside him, spoon still in her hand, and her fingers shaking slightly.
After a long while she whispered "you can trust me.”
He laughed softly brokenly "can I?”
Her gaze fell to his only eye. "…yes.”
Something in her tone made him stop laughing. For a moment the gray in his world faded just a little. He could see faint light of the sun flashing against her beautiful figure. Violet, silver, and gold flickered like candlelight trying to survive the wind before the sun vanished leaving only the original two colors.
Subaru swallowed hard and leaned his head back against the pillow. The pain still screamed through him but it dulled when she was near him.
"…I really don’t deserve your kindness, Emilia-tan," he whispered hoarsely.
She looked at him sadness shimmering in her eyes "no one has to deserve kindness, Subaru besides you helped me as well remember so now I want to help you."
He closed his eye "ah then why does it hurt so much to accept it?"
Emilia's breath caught, and for a long time, neither of them said anything. She just sat beside him, her soft hand resting gently over his the one that was still there and her warmth seeped through his cold shaking fingers.
The porridge on the tray cooled, completely forgotten, and for the first time since he awoke from this hell Subaru allowed himself to breathe in genuine relief.
Outside the window the wind stirred the leaves and somewhere far off a bell chimed softly.
"Rest, Subaru you’re safe."
Subaru didn’t believe her.
Not entirely but as his consciousness began to fade, her words became a fragile lullaby one he wanted to believe in Emilia even if it was a lie.
-end of prologue-