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—Fear.
Soul-gripping fear.
Fear that made his palms sweat, fear that made his stomach roll with nausea, fear that made his vision fuzzy, fear that made his spine freeze with arctic cold.
It had been a long time since Slaine last felt this level of fear. That moment in Russia, probably. Everything else paled in comparison to that moment when his own heart stopped upon seeing the Princess covered in blood.
The only thing that came close was that time on the beach, when he had realized that Kaizuka Inaho didn’t want to give him the death that he wanted. But that was less about fear and more about hollow desperation.
But now, he only felt fear and trepidation.
“It seems that I’ve fallen in love with you, Slaine.”
Just a few words, and Kaizuka Inaho was able to reduce him to a being shaken to the core by a surge of fear.
He was so very afraid.
He wasn’t afraid that Kaizuka would force him into anything. He wasn’t afraid that Kaizuka would use the inherent imbalance in their power dynamics to trap him into a relationship. He wasn’t afraid that Kaizuka would lead him to a relationship where he had to basically sell himself in order to get any semblance of humane treatment in exchange.
No, his fears ran the other direction.
He was afraid that what he said that time was real. That the part of him that was able to feel concern for another being was forever left in the ruined moonbase. He was afraid that he’d never be able to feel any level of care for Kaizuka, that he wouldn’t be able to even have the luxury of knowing if the feelings that he had for the other man were simple helplessness about his situation, or if he truly cared about him.
He was afraid that the years of abuse he had suffered in Vers had permanently damaged his body, on top of those weeks during which he did all that he could to harm himself. What if his health could never recover as much as it needed to? What if he was destined to die young and in poor health? What if he couldn’t give Kaizuka the many years of peaceful bliss that he envisioned for the two of them?
He himself was the living proof that Kaizuka was persistent in his commitment. Kaizuka would find it extremely difficult to move on from him, should he end up dying early.
He feared that he’d end up leaving a devastated behind. He had already destroyed so many lives, and there was the looming threat that he’d destroy Kaizuka’s once more.
He also feared the hardships that would befall Kaizuka because of this decision. Even though his survival was supposed to be a top-security secret, there was no doubt that Kaizuka would not hide this from his family and friends.
Kaizuka was taciturn by nature, but he was also very obvious in his interest and affection, as long as one knew where to look. He wouldn’t be able to disguise this love, and he wouldn’t want to. He would be effusive with it, and would leave no avenue for retreat. He would end up attracting ill will, because of his desire to associate with a criminal like him.
He was afraid that he’d end up staining Kaizuka’s life further than he already had. He feared that he’d irrevocably shatter the brilliant future that Kaizuka deserved to have. He felt nothing but trepidation over the fact that there was nothing an imprisoned criminal could give in return to the other’s care and affection.
And most of all, he was afraid of himself, of his own humanity.
Because he was such a sinful, human villain, he was afraid that even with all of his fear, and all of the logical arguments, he wouldn’t have any other answer.
“You shouldn’t fall in love with someone like me,” he tried to squeeze the words out of his throat. It took him several minutes to verbalize this past the lump on his throat.
He also squeezed his hands into fists that didn’t dare stretch and reach out to the person in front of him.
The person found his way to him anyway.
Kaizuka knelt in front of him, and held the trembling fists over his knees. Kaizuka used his left hand to steady the shaking of his shoulders, to rub him like how one would soothe a distressed pet.
Slaine was very afraid that he would be so greedy that he’d want this all, even though he really shouldn’t.
“I’m afraid that’s impossible.” Kaizuka used similar words and intonation as to when he had insisted that he wouldn’t be able to leave Slaine alone. “You are too captivating for me to resist falling for you.” A short pause, and even the fondness in his smile radiated in his gaze. “Just like Earth’s gravity, I’m destined to fall for you each and every time.”
He was very, very afraid. “…Aren’t you supposed to be a genius? That’s why there’s something called escape velocity, Kaizuka Inaho.”
“Didn’t I say it before? There’s no meaning to predicting or evading me if you can’t run away.”
He should be afraid if that was a threat.
But he wasn’t.
There was nowhere he could go to. There was nowhere he wanted to go to.
He was afraid—
“—I’d never change my mind, no matter what.” Kaizuka swore to him, when he was unable to do anything but tremble with suppressed sobs. “You don’t have to fear that I’d change my mind and leave you alone, Slaine.”
He was very afraid that he’d end up falling so deeply that he’d never be able to know where Kaizuka ended and where he began. He was very afraid that he’d actually enjoy being captured by this feeling, that he’d never want to feel anything else.
Worst of all, he was afraid that he’d end up unleashing a possessive, obsessive desire that was double what Kaizuka was pouring out to him.
He finally was able to suppress his trembling. He met Kaizuka’s eye with the same commanding authority he exuded as a Count. He swallowed all his fears and kept them in his belly for safekeeping. He returned Kaizuka’s grip over his hands with one of his own, as he caught the other’s hand with a bruising hold. “If you dare change your mind, I’m going to kill you, Inaho.”
Kaizuka blinked, and then smiled like it was music to his ears. “For a moment, I was afraid that you wouldn’t feel so strongly for me… So I’m very happy to hear this, Slaine. I promise to make you happy.”
Fear was suppressed by an even more powerful emotion.
Slaine allowed himself to match Kaizuka’s pull, as they crashed against each other, helpless against each other’s gravity.
(The next time Slaine felt fear was about two hours later, when he blearily realized that they just did something incredibly embarrassing while in a room surrounded by glass walls.)
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