Chapter Text
There's no one else in this world who makes Kunikida Doppo break his rules more than Dazai Osamu.
And now it's probably worse than ever.
*
It starts during a mission, which requires staying in a fancy hotel in a different city to gather information from some shady business meeting. Everything goes pretty well. They talk with the people they need, they get what they wanted. It would be almost too smooth like that, though, wouldn't it? There's a moment when Kunikida thinks their identities are about to be discovered and the mission is going to turn into something ugly. Somehow, he and Dazai get the situation handled, thanks to a – mostly Dazai's – plan. Yet, it leaves this feeling of stress and anxiety buzzing in Kunikida for the rest of the night.
And now he lost Dazai. Although lost may not be the right word. Bastard probably ran off somewhere, for shits and giggles. Still, Kunikida is worried, emotions from earlier haven't left him yet.
He makes his way through the halls of the hotel, cursing Dazai's name under his breath. He just wants this mission to be over so he can can go home, back to normal.
At last, Kunikida finds Dazai without even expecting it. He immediately stops in his tracks looking at the man who made him worry so much – and for what?
He is sitting at a bar, relaxed with a grin on his face, chatting, or rather flirting, with an unknown woman. Kunikida feels frustration growing under his skin as he quickly walks up to the bar.
"What the hell are you doing?"
Dazai turns to him, his face lighting up in this specific way Kunikida knows means trouble. "Kunikida! I was just talking to this beautiful lady and–"
"You can't just leave like that without saying anything."
"Oooh, were you worried?" Kunikida's expression is unimpressed, not having the energy to deal with Dazai anymore. "Anyway, you should relax, you know? The job is over, have some fun." Dazai pats his arm.
Kunikida is tired, frustrated and so done at this point. He notices the drink next to Dazai, takes it and downs it in one go, not caring what the lady might think. He has had enough for today to give a fuck.
"The train leaves tomorrow at six. If you're not there, I don't care, I'm leaving you here" he announces sternly, then apologise to the woman for the interruption and turns on his heels to leave. Kunikida hears Dazai muttering something about how cruel he is, but whatever.
He gets to the elevator and leans against a wall, sighing. Just before the doors close, someone else burges in. Kunikida sighs again.
"What? I'm just being professional and obedient like you wanted." Dazai looks at him innocently. The glint in his eyes makes Kunikida think this man has to have another motive. He always does.
"Or maybe you were hoping I would miss the train and stay here?" he teases, getting closer to Kunikida and nudging his arm.
Kunikida huffs. "I should've have made sure that would happen."
It's annoying, yet this banter with Dazai is oddly familiar, something he's so used to, he doesn't know how he would operate without it.
"Traitor."
Kunikida suppreses a small smile tugging at the corners of his lips. No, Dazai doesn't deserve it, not tonight. He disrupted his schedule so much Kunikida is already behind it, still having some things to do before going to bed. He clicks his tounge impatiently, revising the plans in his head, frustrated once again.
Dazai, on the other hand, is grinning carefreely, treating the whole day like vacation. He's chattering about the woman from the bar, describing his love conquests. Kunikida stays silent, trying not to show his displeasure. He isn't really in the mood to be listening all of this. As soon as the elevator doors open, he gets out and marches in direction of their rooms. He doesn't bother waiting for Dazai, hearing his steps as the man catches up.
Kunikida knows Dazai is close to him when he gets to the door. It's quiet in the corridor, no one except them outside. Kunikida takes out the keys and starts fumbling with the lock, when he feels a hand on his lower back.
"You seem pretty tensed" he hears. Kunikida stops in his tracks, startled, but trying not to show it.
"I wonder whose fault is that" he says dryly. The hand slides tantalizingly slow causing something in Kunikida's stomach to shift, up to his shoulder. Then it gently pushes and turns him around so Kunikida's back is against the door and his face in front of Dazai's.
"Then maybe I should help you with it." His gaze is piercing right through Kunikida.
"What do you mean?" Kunikida asks, naively hoping to keep some composure.
Dazai tilts his head to the side, not smirking, not laughing, not making a joke out of this. "You know very well what I mean."
And the worst thing is, he's telling the truth. There's a proposition in his brown eyes, a suggestion, which, if Kunikida's totally honest with himself, he is isn't seeing for the first time. He understands it already. However, this time it doesn't feel like something completely irrational, something out of possible outcomes. Now it seems so easy to just grab, to take, and that's what scares Kunikida so much he has to restrain himself from making stupid moves.
"Weren't you just telling me about seducing the woman at the bar?" Kunikida retorts, arching his brow, hoping to keep his face blank. His words aren't exactly a rejection, though, are they? No, these words mean consideration, these words mean he is thinking about it. These words are a confession of sorts.
He should've said something else.
Dazai chuckles, a low, dark sound. He's too close, Kunikida can feel his breath on his face. "Apparently in the end, I'm loyal to you" he lowers his voice to a husky whisper, while straightening the collar od Kunikida's shirt, fingers grazing the skin on his neck seemingly on accident. Kunikida knows Dazai too well to be fooled, to not know just how precise his every move is. He's also aware that Dazai is a much better liar than anyone Kunikida has ever met. And that most probably, he is using this skill right now.
It's just a game. A stupid, rigged game. And they are both going to lose, Kunikida can feel it.
Dazai leans even closer, because Kunikida lets him, doesn't push him away, doesn't even move, feeling the last ounce of strength to do what's right leaving his body. They are both staring at each other with anticipation, awaiting their sentence.
"C'mon, don't you want to blow off some steam?" Dazai purrs into Kunikida's ear.
Kunikida is a weak, weak man.
Not even a second later, he is tasting the remains of the bitter drink Dazai had earlier on Dazai's lips. The other man hums encouragingly, doesn't even pretend to be surprised by this situation ending exactly how he planned. He presses their chests flush, deepens the kiss. Kunikida suspects Dazai must feel how his heart is hammering. He doesn't know what to do about it yet, his world is spinning, he thinks he's going to fall. He needs some control back, at least for a show, pretend he's ever had it.
Kunikida pulls back and finally reminds himself that they're still in the corridor, no one else in sight thankfully. Dazai doesn't seem to care. He looks at Kunikida with too many secrets in his eyes, too many hidden motives. But there's only one Kunikida needs to worry about tonight.
Dazai licks his lips, looking like he's about to say something. Kunikida doesn't let him. He pushes the man through the door to their room, grabbing him by the collar and then he is the one pressing Dazai against the nearest wall.
Even in the dark, Kunikida notices a mischievous glint in Dazai's eyes, although he can't figure it out. Is it mischief, is it desire, is it purely satisfaction that he is the one who got to break the idealist in such a heinous way?
There are no good answers to these questions, at least not any Kunikida would be able to come up with. He's still not sure what's happening, what it's supposed to mean, he doesn't know anything, except–
"This is nothing" Kunikida says, cursing the fact that his voice is raspy already. But he has to make some things clear. This is wrong, this is so wrong, his mind tries to tell him. But his body seems to think otherwise.
"Of course" Dazai agrees immediately. Nothing in his expression changes, it's still an unreadable mystery to Kunikida. He shouldn't even bother with trying to solve it.
"We will never tell anyone about this" Kunikida continues, looking at Dazai sternly, needing to know he understands how much he means every word.
"Sure thing." Dazai nods.
"We will forget about it." Kunikida isn't sure who he's convincing at this point. Still, Dazai is patient, waiting for his every move, for his decision. You already won, Kunikida wants to tell him.
"This won't happen again" he says finally. He thinks something flashes in Dazai's eyes, something different than what it was a second ago. It's gone in a moment though, it might have as well been the lack of light confusing Kunikida.
There's no confusion in the smirk that shows on Dazai's face. He reaches with his hand to twirl a strand of Kunikida's hair around his finger. Kunikida can't beat the haunting feeling that Dazai could play with him just as carefreely.
"Whatever you want" Dazai whispers.
That's all they need. Kunikida's lips are on Dazai's in a second, his brain fogged up, refusing to work properly. Kunikida wraps his arms around Dazai's waist, holding him close as he deepens the kiss which makes Dazai gasp and push his hands through Kunikida's hair, pulling it just enough to suggests he should just give in totally, lose all the restraints. Something deep inside Kunikida is screaming faintly, telling him to stop, but he knows he can't, that's not what he wants.
So, Kunikida doesn't stop when Dazai starts unbuckling his belt, moving his lips to his throat, bringing shameless gasps and moans out of him. When they eventually stumble towards the bed, Kunikida thinks, for the last time this night, that this is wrong.
But how can something wrong feel so good?
*
Kunikida wakes up alone and with so many mixed feelings to fight, but there's too much of them for right now. What strikes him is that he's completely alone and when he finally finds Dazai it's in the hotel hall, he's already dressed and ready to leave. The man grins at him in his usual way, teasing Kunikida about almost oversleeping.
So that's how it's gonna go for real, huh. Kunikida is aware that technically it was him who requested they won't even bring this whole thing up, but somehow it doesn't feel right. He feels something itching under his skin as they take their places on the train, pretending that they aren't actively avoiding looking at each other. It's also quiet. Too quiet. It's not like they are always constantly talking, but this silence between them isn't the comforting, familiar one. This one is full of everything unsaid, everything they are now refusing to acknowledge.
Kunikida feels sick. It was a bad decision, he knew it, yet everytime he felt Dazai's touch on his skin, he just couldn't hold himself back. Now he has to live with the consequences.
When they're back at work, Dazai acts normal. He doesn't tell anyone, at least to Kunikida's knowledge. Although the truth is, he just really trusts Dazai. Apart from that, Dazai doesn't make any teasing comments, any hints. It's as if nothing has ever happened. Just like it was meant to be.
But it did happen and Kunikida is the one who can't follow his own rules – he can't forget. Every time he looks at Dazai and sees his eyes, he gets reminded how these eyes were looking up at him, glimmering with want and pleasure. Every time he hears Dazai speak, he remembers how he sounded while he was letting out those sweet sounds. Every time he accidentally touches the man, he can almost feel how his hands were clutching at his back, combing through his hair.
No, Kunikida can't forget. He doubts he will ever be able to. This is what he gets for not living up to his ideals. This is what he gets for taking what he shouldn't have.
The worst thing is, that despite all of this growing inside him, unable to control, to understand, Kunikida still wants more.
*
Kunikida doesn't fool himself that he's good at reading Dazai. Still, he feels he is better at it than many people. Which doesn't really mean anything, though.
However, he notices slight changes in Dazai's behavior. He notices his lingering profound gaze, he notices it more often than before. He notices his eyes are hiding something else now, another secret, one that he only partly shares with Kunikida.
It was supposed to be nothing, they were supposed to go back to normal, yet when they're back at work it seems anything but. Kunikida avoids Dazai and feels that Dazai is avoiding him, too. And whenever they're both in the same room Kunikida quickly loses his focus, his eyes moving in Dazai's direction, bringing back memories that were meant to be forgotten and hidden.
Kunikida tells himself it's going to pass, that be needs to pull himself together. He tries to do so for one day, then another, then he notices Dazai's eyes piercing through him, with this questioning gaze. It gets too much. Kunikida needs...
He doesn't know what exactly he needs, maybe some kind of assurance that it was real and that it's really over, some kind of closure. Maybe that's why he finally braces himself and walks up to Dazai's desk.
"We should talk" he says. Dazai looks up at him raising his brows expectantly. Kunikida clears his throat. "After work. You can come to my place."
Dazai nods and it's over. They both go back to their own things.
Kunikida feels heavy weight on his shoulders as he waits for this day to end. His mind is full of conflicted thoughts, of worries and wonderings if he made the right decision. But then times passes and he hears knocking, his door opening. Suddenly there's no more time to think because Dazai is already in, dropping his coat on the couch where Kunikida's sitting and crossing his arms on his chest.
"Well?"
Kunikida clears his throat. If he ever had a plan or at least some courage, he definitely loses it right now.
"We shouldn't have done that" is what he decides to say.
Dazai is silent for a second as if he's making sure he heard it right. He shakes his head with a quiet sigh, almost disappointed. "Really? That's what you wanted to talk about?"
Kunikida gets up. "I just wanted to make that clear because I can see we're both not acting normal."
"You were the one who said it would be nothing and now you're making a fuss about it" Dazai retorts raising a single brow. Kunikida presses his mouth into a thin line, words failing him completely. Because what is he supposed to say? That this is wrong, so unlike his ideals and yet he can't stop thinking about it?
Maybe Dazai knows. Hell, he definitely knows, Kunikida's sure when he sees this glint in his eyes.
"Or maybe you just want more?" Dazai tilts his head taking a step closer to Kunikida.
Kunikida's breath hitches but he doesn't move, unable to. "We shouldn't, Dazai."
Dazai walks even closer. Kunikida moves back but doesn't run away, doesn't step aside when his back hits the wall.
"I'm not asking what we should or shouldn't do" Dazai says, his voice lower. He leans into Kunikida's space because Kunikida lets him. Dazai notices it for sure, looking him up and down slowly, carefully, until his gaze lands on Kunikida's face.
"I'm asking what do you want."
Kunikida licks his lips trying to quiet down all the noise in his head. What he wants? It's not that simple and the answer to it is full of doubt and conflict.
Yet somehow, when he looks in Dazai's eyes in that one moment it seems simple. Easy. Obvious.
The corner of Dazai's lips lifts in a small smirk. He knows. The devil always knows.
One of his hands moves to Kunikida's side, the other lands on the wall next to Kunikida's head. Kunikida feels trapped but he knows it's his own choice. He can get out anytime he wants. But that's the problem, isn't it?
Dazai leans closer, his lips move up Kunikida's throat until they're right next to his ear. Kunikida inhales sharply in anticipation.
"I won't do anything you won't ask me to" Dazai whispers and just like that Kunikida ignores all the questions and worries, decides to shut them up the same moment he moves his lips to meet Dazai's in a brutal kiss.
Admittely, Dazai is true to his words – he does everything Kunikida asks him, almost begs him to. He gives and keeps giving, in such a divine way Kunikida can't get enough.
The only thing he doesn't do is staying. But to tell the truth, Kunikida doesn't ask him to.
*
They make a deal. A pretty simple logical deal – if any of them needs to blow off some steam in this particular way, then let it be. It's going to last until they say they're done, which is honestly a pretty unclear term.
This is still nothing more, obviously. They agree on keeping it private, in their bedrooms. Apart from this one detail, their relationship isn't going to change.
After a short conversation about conditions, Kunikida feels a bit calmer. Or maybe more at peace with himself. He will be able to get rid of this specific buzzing under his skin from time to time and won't have to regret it or avoid Dazai for the following few days. Because they're going to act like nothing happened anyway, both aware of what they chose.
The thing that itches Kunikida like a torn in his side is how far from his ideals this whole arrangament is. It doesn't resemble how his life should look in the slightest. It makes him feel like a failure, unable to live up to his own expectations. But at the same time he knows he's just a human. And like any other human he needs, he wants.
It's a poor excuse and Kunikida's aware of that. But he promised himself it will only be temporary, he will stop this soon, go back on the right path and forget about this.
Because in the end it's really nothing.
*
A stack of documents lands on Dazai's desk with a quiet thud, enough to wake him up from the nap he was taking.
"These" Kunikida says when Dazai's gaze finally focuses on him "are meant to be finished by the end of the week."
He expects groaning, pouting and making excuses – all the usual stuff. Kunikida is even ready to nag Dazai about how he wouldn't have so much work if he did it regularly. Just as he opens his mouth to say this, Dazai leans back in his chair and lifts his chin, a challenge in his eyes.
"I will have them done today. All of them" he announces, locking his gaze with Kunikida's. "If I get something for it."
Kunikida is too stunned to remind Dazai that this is literally his job which he is getting paid for. Instead, he tilts his head to the side, observing Dazai carefully weighing if it's worth getting tangled up in his game.
"Like what, for example?" The second he asks, Dazai's eyes lit up.
The man shrugs nochalantly. A smug smirk appears on his mouth. "I don't know. You can choose."
Dazai isn't exactly an open book and it's not clear what he has in mind. Kunikida watches him trying to guess. The first thought would be– well, something Kunikida decides not to indulge him with, because of the smug expression. But that would be too predictable anyway, wouldn't it? No, Dazai is testing him.
That's why Kunikida sighs and says the second thing that comes to mind. "I'll buy you dinner."
Dazai's eyes sparkle not with surprise but something similar. "And you're eating with me?"
Kunikida lifts a brow, then shrugs. "I guess."
A wide grin spreads on Dazai's face. He sits up, takes the first file, winks at Kunikida and without any other word, starts working.
Kunikida watches it for a moment, too confused to move until he decides to get back to his own work, wondering shortly what he has gotten himself into.
Surprisingly, Dazai actually finishes all of the reports. Kunikida doesn't even know what to say, when Dazai hands the files, with a smug expression on his face.
The deal is the deal. At the end of the day they're both too tired to go out and eat somewhere in a restaurant, so they decide to get take out on their way to Kunikida's dorm.
Once inside, when Dazai plops down on the couch and starts eating, it hits Kunikida how strange all of it suddenly seems – Dazai fully clothed on his couch not pulling Kunikida down for a bruising kiss, both of them talking all the way here about latest cases or any other thing, just being around each other.
And then it hits Kunikida again that this shouldn't feel weird. Because that's how it was before everything, before the arrangament. Because this is who they are – coworkers that somehow turned into surprisingly well fitting friends. Partners.
"You know this is getting cold?" Dazai's mumbling – without stopping eating – gets Kunikida out of his thoughts. He sits next to Dazai.
"Do you have to talk with your mouth full?" he sighs, taking his own portion.
"It could be full of something else if you'd like" Dazai retorts immediately. Kunikida almost chokes, then glares at Dazai who only laughs loudly in response.
This part is new, well, kind of. At the same time it's still incredibly familiar, just another dose of Dazai's never ending teasing. And it's not like his comments weren't suggestive before. Yet now it just feels more...
Kunikida tell his mind to shut up, instead focusing on Dazai's rambling. It's different, of course it's different. But it's not a reason to make it weird.
The night goes as many others before – Dazai picks a movie for them to watch even if they talk through a half of it (Kunikida refuses to admit he likes Dazai's comments). Through the other half Kunikida starts noticing the signs of Dazai's tiredness, how his eyelids fall close more and more often, how he keeps swaying to the side unconsciouly. Finally Kunikida feels Dazai's body pressed against his, his head resting on Kunikida's shoulder and a second later the only thing he can hear is the quiet even breath.
It's not new. It's not unusual. Right, Dazai isn't always very keen on physical touch and closeness of another human being, yet at times he can be quite clingy. Seeing him like this isn't exactly shocking.
But Kunikida stills for a moment, bewildered. That's what feels strange – the fact that the familiar and well-known things cause Kunikida to react like this, even if just for a second.
He needs to pull himself together and stick to the deal. If he said it's not going to affect their relationship, then he needs to make sure it's true. Because Kunikida has to admit a part of him is terrified of what could happen if he's not able to.
*
It's easier now because Kunikida doesn't have to wonder what kind of games Dazai wants to play when he finds the bandaged nuisance in his dorm. It's easier because he doesn't have to restrain himself and pretend he's a better man than he actually is, whenever he knocks on Dazai's door.
It's easier because now it's just lips pressed in heated kisses, warm skin, limbs tangled together, quiet breathy gasps and loud moans.
It's easier because they never have to wake up next to each other, one always leaves early enough.
It's easier because they both know what they're doing, there's not any room for doubt or questions, there's no need for puzzled glances at work.
It's easy, isn't it?
*
When Dazai doesn't appear at work on time, it's not surprising at all. Kunikida decides to call him after a few hours when it seems as more than just usual oversleeping. Dazai responds, thankfully, and says he's sick. And that's it.
He begins to worry when Dazai still isn't at the Agency the next day. Perhaps Kunikida shouldn't be so concerned, after all if Dazai is ill, it's best he stays at home.
On his way to the dorms, Kunikida decides to get some food for Dazai because he knows the bastard isn't eating well, most probably. When he finally knocks on Dazai's door, his heart is hammering. A sigh of relief comes out of Kunikida's mouth, seeing Dazai a few moments later.
Relief quickly turns into something much more dreading as Kunikida examines Dazai's state. The man in front of him looks... exhausted. Sick, but not how most people would expect. Kunikida knows this look quite well, unfortunately.
"I brought this for you" he says, standing still, unsure what to do. Dazai takes the bag, mumbling "thanks" and immediately shuts the door in front of Kunikida's face.
Kunikida stands there for a moment until he sighs quietly and goes back to his own dorm.
He knows he won't get through to Dazai today. Or maybe he's just too afraid of failing if he dares to try. Nevertheless, when he goes to sleep the only thing on his mind is if he could ever be able to help Dazai feel fine.
The next day Dazai comes back, thankfully. Kunikida notices the dark circles under his eyes, the slouched posture, the void in his gaze. But he doesn't say anything as Dazai tries to act normal around Atsushi, throwing teasing comments around, perhaps not noticing his younger coworker's worry.
Dazai doesn't try so hard with Kunikida. When they're out for a case he's quiet, unless it's something case-related. He keeps losing focus which is disturbing and most of the time his gaze is fixed on something unshaped in the distance.
It's when they're walking back in silence which is just too silent, Kunikida has enough. He grabs Dazai's bandaged wrist to pull him into a quiet alley. Dazai pulls his hand away and leans against a brick wall, lifting a single brow, demanding an explanation.
Kunikida lets out a deep breath. "I can see something's wrong, Dazai. Do you need anything?"
He can almost see the gears working in Dazai's mind as he processes the question but it's just a moment. In the next second Kunikida is pulled by a strong hand on his arm and his lips are seared in a bruising kiss. He gives in, only for a second, not understanding what's happening. However, when he feels Dazai pulling his lower lip between his teeth, he finally realises. He shakes his head getting out of Dazai's grasp.
"That's not what I..." Kunikida tries but words keep failing him. Dazai's expression is blant, emotionless, hard to say if it's a mask or his real face.
"It's just... If you need help or anything, let me know" Kunikida tries again because Dazai still hasn't said anything and it's getting hard to remain still under his gaze. "It's obvious you're not doing well–" Kunikida unconsciously lifts up his hand – to what? Hold Dazai's face or his hand gently, tell him it's okay?
Whatever it might be, Dazai grabs his wrist, keeping Kunikida's hand between them. Something cold flashes in his eyes almost making Kunikida shiver.
"Just because we're hooking up, it doesn't mean you're my damn babysitter" Dazai hisses through his teeth. Kunikida puts all of strength into not moving an inch, not wincing, not showing his hurt at the sudden harshness.
Kunikida stops himself before he snaps back that he was babysitting Dazai long before this started. But he's not in a mood to fight. Instead, he lets Dazai go, the man doesn't look back even once, while Kunikida stays in his place, struggling to accept that there's no way he could ever win a fight like this, that there's no way he wouldn't be a failure.
It's much later, middle of the night, when Kunikida hears knocking on his door and somehow already knows what it means. He opens and lets Dazai in, without any word spoken between them. There's a question in his partner's eyes, something else, too, a confession or a request perhaps. In response, Kunikida just nods and lets himself be pressed against the wall, lips burning in a brutal kiss, his head spinning.
Perhaps this is Dazai's way of apologising. Or, more probably, he's just doing whatever the hell he wants.
And perhaps this is Kunikida's way of showing that he's here anyway. That he's going to give as long as Dazai takes.
*
It wouldn't be enough to say this isn't Kunikida's best day as he downs another glass of whiskey hoping that the alcohol burning down his throat will somehow numb everything else.
Rubbing a hand over his face he lets out a deep breath. It's pitiful to be honest. Yet, at the same time he's aware that even though right now he feels like he's going to lay down crumbling, and never get up, tomorrow Kunikida will wake up despite the terrible headache and stick to his schedule as usual.
Because that's how it always goes.
He hears someone knocking on the door but doesn't care to get up from his couch. Soon the lock is being picked and that's enough to guess who the mysterious intruder is.
When Dazai finally walks into the line of Kunikida's gaze, his hands are in the pockets of his pants, eyes locked on the sight in front of him. Despite the fact that they've both seen each other in far worse state, Kunikida still feels a sudden urge to hide, to make up an excuse.
Nevertheless, he looks back at Dazai. There's a small cut on his chin and a bruise under his eyes reminding Kunikida of the unfortunate events of the day. He frowns, sighing deeply.
Dazai notices this because Dazai notices almost everything. It makes Kunikida wonder anxiously if perhaps he notices even more thank Kunikida is aware.
"Do you want to talk about this?" Dazai finally asks, gesturing vaguely at Kunikida.
Kunikida isn't surprised by the question as he already knows this farce and his role in it. Maybe in a different setting, on a different stage, the play would somehow change.
Not tonight though.
Kunikida snorts humorlessly. "Do I look like I wanna talk about it?"
"No." Something flashes on Dazai's face, then a crooked smile appears on his lips as his knees hit the couch beside Kunikida. "Thank god no."
Maybe Kunikida should feel disappointed at this. Maybe he should pay more attention to this strange thing that shatters Dazai's face for a mere second. However, soon enough Dazai is hovering over him, holding Kunikida firm and steady, breaking him with his touch and rebuilding over again. And Kunikida lets him do all of this, pleading for more, lets Dazai whisper sweet nothings and praise Kunikida despite having done nothing to be worth praising. But just for a moment, Kunikida lets himself believe in it.
*
They are friends. It wasn't like that from the beginning but with time Kunikida got to know some of Dazai's layers, found out Dazai is more than just a nuisance. Much more. Despite all the teasing and the differences between them, Kunikida couldn't imagine a better partner. Someone who would work with him as efficiently, who would understand him so easily, someone who Kunikida would trust so much.
Kunikida would lie if he said their relationship revolves only about work, if he didn't admit he also enjoys spending free time with Dazai, going on walks together or eating out.
So, they're friends. And they're still friends when Dazai wraps his legs around Kunikida to pull him closer, when he whispers breathy praises into his ear, when Kunikida leaves marks and bruises on the inside of Dazai's thighs, when he lets out another needy moan at his hair being pulled
They're still friends when each of them wakes up alone. They're still friends the next day at work, allowing themselves only one meaningful glance, then going back to normal.
Friends with benefits – wasn't that the term? Kunikida isn't particularly fond of it, if he's honest, but at least it's some kind of assurance that maybe nothing has to change.
Not that he would want it to.
*
Kunikida is woken up by feeling light tugging at his hair. He slowly opens his eyes, his neck and back sore. It takes him a minute to recognize his surroundings. He immediately sits up straight, rubbing a hand over his face, tryb to really wake up.
"Shh, don't move so sudden, you'll mess it up" he hears.
Oh no. The one time Kunikida accidently falls asleep at work and of course Dazai is present and messing with him.
"What the hell are you doing?" he asks. Dazai's head comes into his view, peering over his shoulder.
"Well, well, who would've thought we would see Kunikida nap during worktime?" he teases, a smirk on his lips.
"Shut up. Why didn't you just wake me up?"
Dazai glances sideways, gaze unreadable, just for a second. "Now, why would I do that when you're clearly so tired?"
Kunikida presses his mouth into a thin line, deciding that he isn't going to win this fight anyway and admittely he is too tired to try.
"Just sit still for a moment" Dazai mutters and disappears from Kunikida's view. Another second, another light tug. Kunikida furrows his brows, more confused than worried by Dazai's actions. Soon, Dazai announces "Here, it's done."
Kunikida blinks a few times and slowly moves his hands to his hair. It's... braided? Is that why Dazai didn't wake him? So he could see how much he can mess with him?
"It doesn't look too bad" he hears and sees Atsushi watching them with attention. The boy tilts his head, watching carefully ."Actually, it's pretty nice."
Dazai stands next to Atsushi to admire his work from distance, a smug expression on his face. "What can I say, I have magical hands."
Kunikida feels his face heating up and isn't sure if it's because of falling asleep during work, Dazai and Atsushi witnessing it or because of Dazai's teasing comment and the wink he sends his way.
He sighs and rubs his eyes, done with Dazai's bullshit. "Just get back to work, Dazai."
"Yes, yes, in a second." the man walks past him patting his arm. "But first I'm getting some coffee so you don't nap on the rest of the reports."
And just like that Dazai's gone, leaving Kunikida staring in his direction. Even though the thought of getting coffee did cross Kunikida's mind, Dazai's offer seems surprising. Perhaps it's just an excuse to avoid more work or to flirt with the waitress.
However, even if it is just Dazai messing with him, Kunikida suddenly realises that something warm and nice starts spreading inside his chest.
*
It's a slow day in the Agency when Kunikida walks by the break room, catching snippets of a conversation.
"I mean everybody has their flaws, some of them just aren't visible at first sight" Tanizaki says.
"Exactly" Dazai's voice joins and something in it pulls Kunikida closer. He leans against the break room's doors frame, remaining unnoticed. "I mean, look at Kunikida."
Kunikida furrows his brows at the sound of his name slipping out of Dazai's mouth. Maybe he should end this right here but his curious side wins once again.
"Such a hard-working, handsome and responsible guy and yet still alone."
"Maybe he just doesn't want–" Naomi tries to add, supported by an eager nod from Atsushi.
Dazai waves his hand dismissively. "Nah. I bet it's something else. He's a bad kisser probably."
Kunikida rolls his eyes before clearing his throat loud enough to make his presence known. He feels his face heat up, hopefully not too evident, yet it's not exactly embarrasment. He's sure of it when he catches Dazai's startled gaze – at least at first it seems startled. Unless Kunikida imagined it, there's a specific glint in his eyes, a sparkle.
It's gone in a second, Dazai's usual playful grin appears on his face, hiding his surprise. The rest of the group is quiet, looking at them with wide eyes full of anticipation.
"Kunikida, my dear partner, you wouldn't believe who we were just talking about–" Dazai starts his well-known foolery as a way to get out of trouble. Kunikida shoots him an unimpressed look.
"Instead of gossipping, you should finish your reports. Now" he adds firmly when Dazai just mindlessly nods.
"Yes, of course, whatever you say." Dazai raises his hands pliantly.
"You better learn to spend your time more efficiently than talking about your coworkers" Kunikida says looking at Dazai solely, despite everyone else still being in the room. "You waste enough time already."
"Right as always." Dazai looks back and smirks. Kunikida glares daggers at him and leaves to do his own work, to do anything in order not to strangle Dazai now and there. Obviously words didn't impress that bastard at all.
Obviously. So maybe there's something else he should use.
Kunikida is walking down the empty corridor when Dazai appears beside him.
"All of the reports done" he announces, his arms crossed behind his neck, making him look like he couldn't care less. After a moment when Kunikida doesn't say anything, doesn't even spare him a glance, Dazai folds. "Okay, almost all of them. Most of them. Almost most of them. It's still a lot. Are you proud of–"
He would probably keep going with this if Kunikida didn't catch his wrist and pull him into a closet nearby. Inside it's dark, so Kunikida pulls Dazai close enough to see him as well as possible. It's not like he has a lot of choice, anyway. It's tight. Very tight.
Dazai doesn't seem to mind. His lips curl into that devious little smirk as he leans even closer.
"Oh, is this my prize?" His lips meet Kunikida's throat, leaving small kisses while travelling upwards. "How considerate" he chuckles deeply, a sound that often makes Kunikida break incredibly fast. Right now though, he stands unaffected. Dazai's lips are on his jaw, getting closer and closer to finally meet his in an anticipated kiss.
Kunikida moves his hand gently to Dazai's cheek, caressing it softly, watching the man close his eyes. Then he grips Dazai's chin firmly, but not too much, holding it a few inches away from his face, stopping Dazai from kissing him in the last second.
Dazai furrows his brows with confusion. He looks up at Kunikida, pouting like the brat he is, as if he deserved to make complaints.
Kunikida tilts his head, observing Dazai with an unimpressed look, lifting his brow. "A bad kisser, huh?"
Dazai's eyes widen for a second before he realises. "That's what this is about? C'mon it's nothing, just some stupid joke. You know I was just talking."
Kunikida leans closer to press his mouth right next to Dazai's ear as he speaks. "I know you were," he says, voice low but even, almost like he couldn't care less about this "because I can remember how you were begging for it last time."
He hears Dazai gasp and it almost makes Kunikida's head spin. A thought crosses his mind, that it's probably not that stupid to assume Dazai somehow planned all of this and got exactly what he wanted. But even if Kunikida is just a pawn in Dazai's game, the look on the other man's face is worth it.
Dazai swallows, staring right into Kunikida, looking for clues. "Do you want me to beg now?" he asks. Kunikida has to fight with every inch of his sanity to remain unphased. He keeps looking at Dazai without a word, his thumb slowly running circles into his skin. Dazai's eyes close for a second. He looks like a painting with this dazed expression, slightly parted lips.
"No, you don't want that" he decides. The brown eyes are back on Kunikida's face as enchanting as always. "You want me to apologise."
Kunikida hums. Something in his chest flutters. "Only if you understand your mistake."
"I definitely do." Dazai starts regaining some of his familiar smugness as his smirk returns on his face, surprised and proud at the same time of the way he made Kunikida act.
Dazai's hands move to Kunikida's sides, sliding up and down teasingly before stopping at his waist. Kunikida's breath almost hitches, watching Dazai lick his lips, slowly moving down, kneeling before him.
"And I will make it up to you." Dazai looks up at him from under his eyelashes and while there's still the undeniable smugness and tease behind it, he seems also unbelievably pliant, trying to be good for once. For him, for Kunikida.
Kunikida leans his head against the wall behind him, letting out a deep breath, letting his reasonable side list all doubts and worries for a second.
This is wrong, wrong at its core – no matter how good it feels to have Dazai so obedient before him, to have him smile in this disarming way as his hands move towards Kunikida's belt. It shouldn't be happening, definitely not during their worktime, definitely not with Dazai, definitely not in these conditions. It's so unlike everything Kunikida thought he wanted to live up to.
But the truth is, he's just not able to right now – neither to live up to said ideals, nor to let this go. The pleasure can at least mute the thoughts about constantly failing.
So Kunikida lets it do exactly this, ignoring his reason, as he pushes his hand through Dazai's soft hair.
*
They are driving away from the building on the edge of the town they were meant to investigate. Apart from few unclear leads they didn't really found anything. Kunikida grips the wheel tighter, letting out a deep breath.
They've been driving for a little over fifteen minutes now and they're still on an almost empty road surrounded by empty buildings and forest. At first it was just like usual – Dazai's relentless chatter, going through literally all of the radio stations until it started losing signal. But now it's quiet. Suspiciously quiet.
Kunikida tries not to take his gaze off the road however, the feeling of Dazai's eyes on him makes something under his sking itch. He wants to ignore it, to just get back to the Agency and back to work and there's definitely enough of it to keep his mind busy. It shouldn't be too hard, right? Well, that's the thing. It's disturbing that Kunikida even has to think about it, that he has to convince himself not to look at Dazai.
He glances sideways. Once. It's enough to catch the sight of these brown eyes piercing through him.
Sometimes Kunikida wonders why he even tries to fight this bastard. Yet, at the same time he knows he can't just give up like that, forgetting everything he worked so hard for. He can't just–
He looks at Dazai again. Dazai looks back.
Kunikida sighs. He can give in from time to time. Another thing is that it becomes more and more often, but it doesn't mean he lost. Right?
"What's going on?" he asks, noticing the triumphant glint in Dazai's eyes.
"The case got you pretty frustrated, huh?" Dazai says.
Kunikida frowns. "Well, unlike some people I care about my work" he says, looking meaningly at his partner.
"Hey, I care too. You wound me." Dazai shakes his head, putting a hand on his chest dramatically.
"I'd hope so" Kunikida says dryly. He hears Dazai chuckle and even though he still feels this weird tension, he thinks that maybe he got the wrong idea, that maybe this will be nothing else than their usual bickering.
And yet, these haunting eyes are still watching him carefully.
"You're staring" Kunikida murmurs, glancing at Dazai. He sees Dazai grin and perhaps that's what he needs – a teasing answer that will just hang in the air while Kunikida rolls his eyes. And that will be it. It will be something Kunikida is used to, something he secretly likes, and nothing more will grow out of this–
"You look really pretty today" is what Dazai says.
The worst thing is how genuine this sounds. How genuine Dazai's smile seems. The worst thing is that Kunikida's heart skips a bit.
"What do you want?" he asks, voice stern yet quiet. He's lost because once again Dazai isn't giving him any clear clues.
"You should ask yourself that."
"Drop it, I'm not in the mood for your games."
"Oh, I think you're exactly in the mood." And suddenly there's a hand on Kunikida's shoulder, sliding up to the back of his neck, and Kunikida doesn't shake it off, just secures his grip on the wheel.
Yes, they haven't really been close with each other for the last few days. Yes, they have been busy with so much work it makes them both frustrated. But these are just excuses and lately Kunikida is letting excuses lead him more than it's acceptable.
But there's an itch under his skin, too notorious to ignore, too annoying to get rid off on his own. What's even worse, is that deep down, Kunikida doesn't even want to ignore it, not when it comes to Dazai.
He stops himself from cursing under his breath as he turns to park the car on the road between trees. It's quiet, no one in sight. Kunikida takes a deep breath and turns to Dazai.
"Why do you do this, Dazai?" He's not really sure what he means with this question. Everything. Nothing specific. Anything. He's not even sure if he wants an honest answer, if he wants what might come with it.
Dazai tilts his head, his eyes looking at Kunikida with curiosity, looking through him. "Why did you pull over, Kunikida?"
The answer isn't expected nor needed. They just stare at each other as if it was some kind of competition, as if they were waiting to see which one is going to fall first. As if they haven't fallen together.
Kunikida hears a soft click of a seatbelt being unbuckled. He does the same, never taking his eyes off Dazai, almost like it would mean giving up.
Dazai's fingers are still on the back of his neck, moving tantalizingly, in such way that Kunikida subconsciously leans into the touch. Dazai notices, obviously, and a smug smirk appears on his face. His eyes glance at his partner's lips once. Kunikida finally breaks.
Second later he presses his lips against Dazai's, who hums visibly satisfied with this outcome. Kunikida puts his hand on the back of Dazai's head and Dazai leans in even closer, licking into Kunikida's mouth as soon as he gets the chance.
It feels like the only thing Kunikida ever needed, but at the same time like something he shouldn't have ever wanted. Like losing and finding himself over and over again.
It's not an ideal kiss, it's messy, almost brutal, but Kunikida just kisses Dazai, matches his pace, both of them wanting the exact same thing. Kunikida's hands start sliding down Dazai's throat, his shoulders, chest, moving along his sides, enjoying all the satisfied hums it brings out of Dazai. And Dazai starts pressing even closer against Kunikida, lifting up from his seat, looping his arms around Kunikida's neck and then moving onto Kunikida's lap in one swift move.
Kunikida gasps as Dazai places his knees on either side of his thighs. He's close, so close it's dangerous, because Kunikida is aware it's not too long before his mind gets foggy, focusing on Dazai and Dazai only.
And they're both still on their shift, technically.
"This wasn't meant to interfere with work" Kunikida murmurs with accusation, as Dazai starts moving his lips over his jaw.
"Don't be such a worrywart. I'm just helping you blow off steam. That was part of the deal" Dazai says, nipping the skin gently. Kunikida closes his eyes and breathes in. Well, Dazai isn't exactly wrong.
He can feel Dazai's smirk on his skin. His lips are brushing over the shell of his ear as he whispers. "Also, you're being a hypocrite. Did you forget that time in storage room? Or..."
"Shut up" Kunikida cuts him off, feeling his face heat up at being confronted with his own mistakes.
Dazai pulls away, his gaze pinning Kunikida in his seat. "I can stop. Just tell me to" he says. It's not a tease, it's nothing complicated, just a simple offer. It couldn't be easier. But Kunikida only shuts his mouth close, not trusting his words, not trusting his mind, not trusting himself, not around Dazai.
Dazai tilts his head. He puts his hands on Kunikida's face, hold his chin gently so he doesn't look away, and leans closer again. "Or I can do what you actually want."
Kunikida sucks in a sharp breath. His decision is already made when Dazai puts his thumb on his bottom lip, raising a brow.
"You're a menace" Kunikida breathes out. Dazai chuckles. He smiles, leaning in even closer, lips brushing over Kunikida's as he speaks.
"Maybe. But I'm your menace, right?"
Kunikida's mind gets caught up in this too fast. It keeps repeating words like yours, mine. Why? Why would he even think about it? It doesn't really make sense how his heart flutters hearing this. In the end, Kunikida knows Dazai will never be his, just like he won't be Dazai's. This thing doesn't make them belong to each other in any way they already haven't.
Kunikida decides to shut off these thoughts by finally closing the gap between him and Dazai. He doesn't waste any time, the kiss being deep and hot from the beginning. Dazai moves his hands into Kunikida's hair, pulling the blond strands, causing Kunikida to let out quiet groans into his mouth. His own hands are sliding down Dazai's body, resting on his thighs, grabbing the flesh just enough to hear a needy gasp leaving Dazai's lips.
They have to breathe unfortunately, but as soon as they pull away, Kunikida brings his lips to Dazai's neck, leaving a trail of kisses alongside his throat where the bandaged don't reach, making his way towards his collarbone. He feels Dazai's fingers tightening the grip on his hair as he starts nipping the sensitive skin gently before biting just the right way. Hearing the way Dazai moans he can't help but smile against his skin, something hot spreading inside his body. He makes his way up Dazai's throat, leaving small bites just to hear more of these bewitching sounds Dazai makes.
After a few minutes, he looks up at Dazai who immediately takes his face into his hands, kissing him with so much force it drives Kunikida crazy. When he pulls up, Kunikida is breathing heavily and Dazai just smirks.
"So pretty" he whispers. Then, his head lowers and his lips move to find that spot under Kunikida's jaw that makes him gasp every time. Dazai is making his head spin, sucking the skin, biting and soothing the bites with his tounge. Kunikida has to bite his own lips to prevent letting out too much noises, while his hands start moving over Dazai's warm body again, holding his hips, his waist, slowly getting annoyed at the layer of clothes between them.
Dazai must feel the same because his fingers start unbuttoning Kunikida's vest as he keeps leaving kisses on his collarbone.
Kunikida's head is a mess. He doesn't knows anything except where this is leading. He's way past caring or worrying about how inappropriate this is.
They pull away for a moment, both of them breathing heavily. Kunikida watches Dazai, his flushed skin, his swollen lips, the look of pure want in his eyes and he can't help but feel kind of smug because he caused this. Kunikida opens his mouth, feeling like he should say something, hard to say what exactly, but something, because Dazai makes him fell like–
Kunikida's phone starts ringing. They both jump with surprise, looking at each other with wide eyes.
Kunikida almost wants to ignore it, treat it like some background noise, not mattering at all. But his reasonable – or worrisome – side suddenly wakes up. What if there was something wrong, what if someone needed help? What if he decided to ignore that? It would be his fault then, how would he even try to explain it...
Something nudges his hand. He looks up and sees Dazai handing him the phone. His eyes seem understanding, like he knows Kunikida would be too paranoid if he didn't pick up this call. Of course he knows.
"Just be quick with it" Dazai says, voice hoarse which makes Kunikida shiver.
Kunikida takes a few breaths, trying to compose himself before answering the call. "Hello?"
"Kunikida, hey, it's Tanizaki. We're done here with Kenji and we were wondering when you're coming back."
Oh. Oh shit. Kunikida only now remembers their coworkers were meant to investigate another place and he and Dazai were meant to drive them back to the Agency.
He holds back a frustrated groan, rubbing a hand over his eyes. "Yes, we're going to be there soon" he says finally. Tanizaki thanks him or says something else, but Kunikida is too busy beating himself over the fact that he forgot something work-related due to what, making out with Dazai like a teenager?
Dazai listens to the conversation and when Kunikida puts the phone away with a quiet sigh, he slowly moves back to his seat, getting off Kunikida who reaches out his hands, but quickly lets them down, unsure what he should do. Yes, it's awkward, but even more noticeable is this weird sense of disappointment.
Kunikida buttons up his vest and tries to fix his hair, glancing at Dazai who's doing the same. There's nothing to say really, nothing that Kunikida can think of, so he clears his throat and starts the car.
Tanizaki and Kenji don't seem to notice the tense atmosphere in the car, thankfully. Kunikida, on the other hand, feels like he has committed some unspeakable crime and this is the hell he's been sent to.
When they finally manage to get to the Agency's parking, Kunikida's knuckles are almost white from gripping the wheel so tight. They get out of the car and Kunikida breathes in deeply, hoping the fresh air will help him clear his mind. They say goodbye to Tanizaki and Kenji, but while Tanizaki moves away, the younger detective stays in front of Dazai and Kunikida, squinting his eyes and watching them carefully.
"What happened to your neck?" he asks Dazai with curiosity in his voice. His eyes move to Kunikida. "Yours too."
Kunikida immediately looks at Dazai and sucks in sharply. He must've been too distracted, they both must've, because how the hell would he miss two visible hickeys on Dazai's neck. He swallows with difficulty seeing Dazai's eyes widen and realising his neck must look the same.
"We, erm..." Kunikida starts, because Kenji keeps staring at them with question. When nothing comes to his mind, he can only hope he doesn't look too mortified.
"...got into a fight" Dazai finishes, always better at improvising and quickly acting calm. Kenji nods slowly, but there's something about his expression that tells Kunikida he isn't entirely convinced. Dazai takes care of it. "Hey, how about you choose a seat for us in the cafe and we have that apple cake?"
Kenji's face lights up at the mention of cake and he smiles before leaving them. Kunikida lets out a relieved sigh and leans against the car door.
"Fucking hell" he mutters.
Dazai whistles "Harsh."
Kunikida looks at him and sees Dazai grinning, evidently amused by the whole situation. Something inside Kunikida starts boiling.
"This was your stupid idea" he says through his gritted teeth.
"I didn't hear you protest" Dazai smirks sharply, devilishly. He shakes his head "I told you, don't be such a worrywart–"
"I don't want any rumors spreading, Dazai."
Dazai's smile disappears from his face. Something else appears, something real beneath the mask, but it's gone immediately. Dazai crosses his arms on his chest.
"Oh, right, it would definitely break your ideal prude image, wouldn't it?" he scoffs.
"Could you take this more seriously? It's not my fault you don't feel any shame" Kunikida snaps. It comes out worse than he intended. He presses his lips into a thin line, still feeling dull anger, but unsure at whom it's pointed.
Dazai's eyes are ice cold, his expression blant, unreadable. "If you're so ashamed of me, then maybe don't act so eager next time" he says, words cutting like a knife, then turns on his heel and walks away. Kunikida doesn't even have time to say anything.
What would he say anyway? Something in Dazai's words bothers him, but he's not sure what exactly. There's a horrible feeling in his guts – guilt? Shame? He stands there, confused, confronted with too many things at once. What hits him is that he isn't ashamed of Dazai not really. That's what's wrong with what Dazai said. Yes, he feels shame, kind of. At himself, at this whole situation maybe. But Dazai... It's a completely different matter with him. Kunikida isn't able to understand it yet.
In the evening someone is knocking on Kunikida's door and he has a feeling just who it might be. And his guess is right – he sees Dazai standing in front of him.
They both stare at each other, their expressions full of mixed feelings.
"So..." Dazai starts.
"So..." Kunikida says at the same time. Their eyes lock. It's not hard to guess where this is going.
Neither of them says sorry. But the kiss that follows feels a bit like an apology, feels like admitting this wasn't worth it, not when in the end it's nothing more than that.
*
"What is going on with you and Dazai?"
Kunikida is sitting still in Yosano's infirmary, she's cleaning the cuts on his face, which weren't bad enough for her to use her ability, as Kunikida eagerly convinced her.
Or at least he was sitting still, until the question was asked. Kunikida involuntarily winces, too surprised to say anything at first. He tries to compose himself, as quickly as possible, not to cause any suspicions.
He clears his throat. "What do you mean?"
Yosano shrugs, almost carelessly, but there's something more to it. Kunikida tries to remain calm under her gaze, which is so observant, as if she was examining him to give the right diagnose.
"You just sometimes act weirdly around each other. Well, weirder than usual" she explains, cleaning the last cut on Kunikida's cheekbone. She's not nosy, far from it, Kunikida's aware. So it must be genuine interest or confusion even.
She turns her back to him, checking something in her supplies. "Or maybe I'm wrong?"
The problem with Kunikida is that he isn't the best actor. As usual, Dazai is the total opposite of him in this case. Nevertheless, Kunikida likes to think they're both pretty good at keeping their arrangament between them. After all, Kunikida has some experience with keeping Dazai's and Dazai related secrets to himself.
Obviously, despite all of this, he suspects Ranpo knows. Yet it seems unlikely of him to just tell it like that, without anything in return, without any drama about it.
But that would mean Yosano has noticed something on her own. She is good at that, at observing people, but Kunikida wonders what exactly might have given them away, gave her a reason to believe something has changed. Maybe it was one longing look in Dazai's direction too much. Maybe it was the way Kunikida blushed after Dazai teasing him once or twice. Maybe, although Kunikida can't imagine it, it was something on Dazai's side.
Whatever it was it shouldn't have happened – this is nothing to proudly announce, show around like you would with a normal partner, a date. No, their arrangament is meant to be kept between them two only, locked inside their bedrooms and memories.
"It's nothing. Really" Kunikida says, knowing he won't be able to come up with a better excuse. He hopes this way he will at least signal Yosano to drop the subject, which isn't worth this conversation anyway.
When Yosano turns back she looks as if the diagnose he's about to hear is pretty pessimistic. Kunikida almost wants to hide from this worry he can see in her eyes. Some part of him wants to know what exactly she sees when she looks at him, at them, what is she worried about, what kind of image she has in her mind.
"Okay. Just don't let this 'nothing' hurt either of you" she retorts, crossing her arms on her chest and lifting her brows. Kunikida tells her there's nothing to be worried about.
Because there's nothing going on, not really. This is just something to be hidden in the dark, never let out to see daylight. A secret, Kunikida's secret to keep on the side, until he finally learns to be better and can let this go, until he's good enough to properly follow his ideals, forgetting this ever happened.
*
"Listen, I'm not saying I would." Dazai lifts his hands in an innocent manner. "I'm just saying he could take care of me if he wanted to."
Yosano nods slowly with understanding, beside her a disgusted and astonished Ranpo.
"What is wrong with you?" he asks, genuinely shocked. He scrunches his nose, gaze moving from Dazai to Kunikida. "Don't tell me you agree with them."
Kunikida is too drunk for this.
It's been a few hours since they entered the bar, all the empty glasses and bottles on the table being the evidence. The place feels somehow cozy with their table in the corner, dim lights and music not too loud. Besides, they're all drunk to the point where it would be hard to spoil their good mood.
Kunikida isn't sure what made him let loose like that, leading to feeling tipsier than usually. Maybe it was a tiring day, maybe the relief of having some time off, maybe it was Dazai's intoxicating smile as they downed every round together.
Anyway, Kunikida is having fun. Not surprisingly, he is among friends after all. What surprises him is that he's able to forget about everything that feels heavy on his shoulders, at least for a few hours. So he relaxes, deciding that this evening is important enough to fit it into the schedule, even unexpectedly.
They talk, they laugh, they drink. The subjects of their conversations become more and more unserious with every round until one way or another someone brings up Fukuzawa's... pretty good shape, let's call it that.
Kunikida's face heats up a little (because of the alcohol, obviously) as the three pair of eyes turn to him. Ranpo is staring with a warning and threat, Yosano with genuine interest, and Dazai, well it's something more complicated with Dazai, as if he possessed some secret knowledge.
Suddenly Dazai grins, a wide diabolical grin, and before Kunikida can stop him he turns to Ranpo and says "Well, Kunikida has this whole 'fuck authority' attitude, so you know."
Yosano snorts, Ranpo is probably plotting several murders in his head and Kunikida's face goes red. He tries to seem unimpressed, smacking Dazai in the back of his head.
"Shut up, idiot."
"Am I wrong though?" Dazai keeps pushing, the alcohol probably giving him too much unreasonable courage.
Kunikida doesn't honor him with an answer, instead turns to Ranpo. "I'm sorry for him. The President is a good man and a great leader, who I look up to in many ways."
"Aaaand he's objectively attractive" Yosano adds, leaning to Ranpo who rolls his eyes at her, still visibly not very keen on this conversation, but too done with his friends to act angry.
"He has to have some flaws, though, right?" Dazai bumps Kunikida's shoulder, apparently expecting an answer from him. Sober, Kunikida wouldn't give it much thought. However, drunk–
"Well, he is a bit obsessed with cats" he decides finally. He says it almost carelessly, but Dazai catches it up immediately.
"Exactly. Imagine you had to compete with little Mr. Whiskers or Peanut."
Kunikida isn't very proud of himself, but this is the moment when he breaks. He tries to fight it, to keep his lips pressed into a thin line, but before he can there's laughter coming out out of his mouth, first little weakly hidden giggles, then regular laugh coming from somewhere deep inside him.
Kunikida tries to take a breath, to calm down, but that's when he realises Dazai is laughing too. Not his cartoonishly mischievous giggle, but real open laugh. Combined with all the drinks Kunikida has had, it makes his heart skip a bit hearing such honest and sweet sound.
Their gazes meet suddenly and Kunikida curses the alcohol, because maybe he would be able to name whatever he sees in Dazai's eyes if it hadn't been for it. But at the same time he's thankful for being able to just brush it off, start laughing again, their bodies shaking against each other, until they're both wheezing, catching their breaths, slouched in their seats, Kunikida with his forehead pressed against Dazai's shoulder.
"Don't worry, we will leave your dad alone" Dazai tries to reassure Ranpo, lifting his glass as in toast. Even though he probably means it, his words are too slurred and too amused.
Kunikida is unfortunately more drunk than he has been in a long time, close to Dazai and exposed to his humor in unhealthy amount, that he's unable to refrain from mutterring into Dazai's shoulder, quietly, thinking only Dazai hears it "At least until someone calls him daddy."
The way Dazai's body starts shaking with laughter is such a surprise to Kunikida, that he lifts his head, looks at his partner and starts laughing too, tears in his eyes. They laugh probably louder than they should, blame it on alcohol in their systems.
Ranpo observes the scene with a grimace on his face. "You're the fucking worst" he concludes, which only gets them laughing again.
They are still laughing when they leave the bar about an hour later. It's dark and getting chilly so they head in their dorms' direction right away.
However, the road isn't so easy.
"You should carry me" Dazai says after almost tripping over his feet for the third time in row.
"Absolutely not, you lazy bastard" says Kunikida for whom keeping himself standing upright and walking is a hard enough task.
"But you're sooo strong."
"And you're trying to get something for yourself by using sweet words."
"It usually works."
And it is a bit scary how he's right, isn't it? It makes Kunikida think about all these times he gave in to Dazai's plans, ideas, wishes, about all these times he gave him what he wanted and about all these times Kunikida wanted to give him exactly that.
He's too drunk to be thinking this over, nothing reasonable will come out of it anyway.
"Not this time" he says at last.
"You're being mean" Dazai whines, pouting.
"You're being annoying" Kunikida retorts flatly.
Dazai stops in his tracks, so Kunikida obviously stops too, watching the other man turn in his direction, tilting his head.
"And yet somehow we always end up like this.
"Like what?"
"Together."
It's stupid, just a silly thing said about their bickering under the influence of all the alcohol they both had tonight. But at the same time, it is undeniably true, said quietly in the darkness, shared only between them. And the way Dazai's eyes shine in the dim light from the street lamp, the way the corner of his lips lifts up in a beginning of soft smile, makes Kunikida feel that it's more than just a stated fact.
"I guess you're right" Kunikida says, a bit uncertain if he shouldn't say something else, something more meaningful.
Dazai grins. "That's nothing new, name one time I wasn't."
Kunikida is about to do exactly that, while Dazai is jumping ahead, but then he sees the bandaged man on his way to meet with the pavement so he needs to quickly walk up to him and wrap an arm around his waist, pulling him up and holding him steady. Dazai immediately wraps his arm around Kunikida too, giggling drunkenly for whatever reason.
And they stay like this for the rest of the road, holding each other safe from falling. Not that it's the first time. Kunikida remembers many different occasions when after parties or just a couple rounds of drinks, they had to get to their dorms in very unhelping states. But every time they were together so whenever one of them fell, the other could pull him back to his feet.
So it isn't very different now, even if Kunikida's heart beats a little bit faster at the feeling of Dazai's body pressed to his side, at the sound of his laugh tearing through the quiet night. Unfortunately, even now Kunikida is too smart to believe it's only the alcohol running in his blood.
When they get to the dorms, Dazai is almost sleeping on Kunikida's shoulder, his words getting more slurred and eyelids falling heavily despite the walk. Kunikida decides to walk into his dorm and safely get him to the bedroom. Dropping the man on the bed, he watches as Dazai immediately clutches a pillow, mumbling something incomprehensible. Kunikida is almost about to drift off too, but he shakes his head and goes to find some painkillers, then brings them along with a glass of water, managing not to spill too much of it, putting it on the bedside table. He is already turning to leave, when Dazai catches his wrist.
"Just stay here" he mumbles, slurred, on the edge of sleep. "I won't get you up if you fall on the way out."
Kunikida turns, quickly taking in the image in front of him – Dazai with his eyes closed, curled on the bed, his brown hair sprawled around his head. He looks peaceful, kind of soft.
Kunikida is drunk and tired and Dazai mutters "don't be an idiot", so he finally clears his throat quietly and without further thinking lays down on the other side of the bed. It's not the biggest one, but it wasn't a problem for them before, was it? Although Kunikida does everything not to think about it. They're not even facing each other, anyway.
"Goodnight, Dazai."
"Goodnight."
It's dark, they're laying back to back, Dazai's breathing sounds calm and even, he's probably already asleep. But Kunikida can't help wondering how strange it seems, despite their history. It's not like he's never slept in the same room as Dazai – he has during these couple times when his partner made him worried, when he argued about not needing any help, but in the end let Kunikida take care of him. The difference is, whenever that happened, Kunikida just spent the night in the armchair near the bed, too scared that if he left he wouldn't see Dazai in the morning.
Now they are sharing a bed, which admittely also happened before, however not like this, not quietly and peacefully, not as simply being next to each other.
Now it feels... easier than Kunikida suspected. He wonders if it would be so easy if he was sober, though.
Yet, the thought that Dazai is so close, letting himself be seen in such vulnerable state, letting Kunikida stay in this moment with him – that's what makes Kunikida turn a few times from side to side, then onto his back, staring at the ceiling, unable to fall asleep despite the exhaustion, because there's too many thoughts and voices in his head.
Suddenly he hears Dazai hum, perhaps annoyed by his companion, so Kunikida opens his mouth to apologise immediately. But then the other man just slides closer to him, until their bodies are pressed close. Kunikida glances at Dazai, sees that his eyes are closed, his face so fascinatingly calm – he's apparently still asleep. And in this unaware state he is closing the distance between them until his head is resting on Kunikida's shoulder, brown hair tickling his chin.
Kunikida freezes, startled at the contact, but just as soon relaxes. Then, everything slowly becomes quiet and simple as he falls asleep. It's just Dazai, after all.