Chapter Text
golgothasTerror [GT] began pestering timaeusTestified [TT] at 15:21
GT: What ho my good chum!
TT: Yo.
GT: Are you ready to sally forth on an adventure of unenvisionable expanse?
GT: To stride confidently through the fields of whimsical wonder and exquisite extravagance?
GT: Plunder the tombs of mateship?
GT: Fight back to back against the forces of boredom and apathy?
GT: Abduct an artefact of bountiful broship?
GT: *charismatic smile*
TT: Oh, I'm ready, all right.
TT: Ready to fuckin' high five while leaping into a ravine labelled 'the true meaning of broship'.
TT: Or liberate millions of dollars of gold pieces from an ancient burial ground.
TT: Only to realise that the real treasure was inside us all along.
TT: The treasure was friendship, by the way.
GT: Thats the spirit!
GT: All ready to go then?
GT: What am i saying you probably had all of your gadgets and assorted paraphernalia packed and ready months ago!
TT: What makes you say that?
GT: Well youre just that kind of guy after all!
GT: All organised and prepared for practical concerns like that!
GT: Youre like the watson to my holmes!
TT: I'm not sure under what interpretation you could successfully compare yourself to Sherlock Holmes, but whatever.
GT: A correct one! The bloke was actually pretty active in the original canon, you know! Haven't you seen the latest movie?
GT: I watched it just the other day and it was really friggin good fun!
GT: He was even a boxer which isnt as good as wrestling but its pretty close!
TT: I'll take your word for it.
GT: Hmm. *taps chin shrewdly*
TT: What is that for?
TT: Or, shit, should I be saying:
TT: *wonders what the fuck Jake is emoting about*
GT: You fancy yourself as the great detective dont you!
TT: I actually don't really give a shit.
TT: But yeah, I think I'm more like him than you.
GT: Blasphemy!
GT: Thats it as soon as you arrive i challenge you to a duel!
GT: Winner claims the right to declare themselves the true holmes for the rest of all eternity!
GT: Do you accept?
TT: That depends. What are the specifications of this duel?
TT: Should I bring a pair of flintlock pistols? Or perhaps one of my totally sugoi katanas would be more fitting with this vision you have created for yourself.
TT: I assure you that I am treating this matter with utmost seriousness.
GT: What no.
GT: We duel with fists like real men!
GT: Also your katanas are kinda dumb anyway.
TT: What.
TT: Okay, that's it. I accept your duel.
GT: Wonderful! *pumps fist thoroughly*
TT: Seriously though, if any of us are a detective, shouldn't it be Jane?
GT: Maybe we are all him?
TT: What about Roxy? What qualities of Sherlock Holmes could we possibly find in her?
GT: Hmmm.
GT: Well sherlock holmes did have a tradition of problems with certain...shall we say dubious substances?
TT: Oh my god.
GT: Oh my! *rubs back of neck nervously* That was terribly rude of me! I should not have said such impolite things about roxy!
TT: No, no, that was perfect.
TT: So Sherlock Holmes has Jane's obsession with detectives, your fisticuffs, my intelligence, and Roxy's drunkenness?
GT: Oh shut it you.
GT: But in all seriousness it will be nice to spar with an actual person for a change!
TT: Why? Is something wrong with the brobot?
GT: No no!
GT: Well...
TT: What is it.
GT: Its nothing! Its fine!
GT: I just meant that its pretty different wrestling with an actual flesh and blood person than a big hunk of metal thats all!
TT: There's more to it than just a hunk of metal.
TT: There is some pretty fucking complicated AI science going into that shit.
TT: Shit that most people would consider pretty goddamn impressive.
TT: It's not like I spent months welding fuckin' metal together.
GT: I know all that!
GT: Geez i wasnt trying to insult your abilities or anything!
GT: I only meant that he has kind of an advantage having metal instead of skin and all.
TT: Hmm.
GT: What?
TT: Sounds to me like someone is making excuses.
GT: Oh come the fuck off it. *rolls eyes*
GT: Anyway my point is that im really excited to be seeing you dude!
TT: You had a point?
TT: Beyond your boastful claims r.e. some old detectives no-one but Jane cares about anymore and your utterly scandalous allegations about the sugoiosity or lack thereof of my katanas, I mean.
TT: I'm looking forward to it, too, though.
GT: Great!
GT: Actually come to think of it i should probably get the place ready...
TT: …
GT: What?
GT: Its not like theres all that much to do anyway!
TT: Should I bring food?
GT: No theres always plenty of cans here.
TT: What about non-canned stuff?
GT: Er...no. No i dont think i have much of that.
TT: I'll bring food.
GT: Good man.
TT: Anything else?
GT: Hmmmm...
GT: Just a theoretical question but...how concerned are you with personal hygiene?
TT: That's it, I'm bringing the house.
GT: Thats not necessary!
TT: Seriously, wasn't your grandma a billionaire or something? How the fuck can you live like this?
GT: It is pretty hard to get things sent here actually...
GT: Not all of us have appearifiers or sendificators or whatever!
TT: …
TT: Okay, house packed, I'm done.
GT: Fine!
GT: Its really not that bad...
TT: I'll be the judge of that.
GT: Heh its actually pretty exciting really! I still cant quite believe were actually going to be meeting up!
TT: Same here.
GT: Its a shame jane and roxy couldnt come...then we would really be having a blowout!
TT: Yeah.
TT: But it's not like we can expect Jane to come over right after something like that.
GT: I still think shed be safer here.
GT: But i guess if the drones dont like it theres not much we can do!
GT: I dont really get why Roxy cant come though...
TT: Didn't she tell you?
TT: She was bitching to me about it for weeks.
TT: Not that I blame her, though.
TT: Hell of a time for her mom to have a tour or whatever the fuck it is.
TT: And suddenly decide to make some big mother-daughter gesture of affection or something.
GT: Yes i did hear about that!
GT: It just makes me wonder whether thats the real reason thats all...
TT: Yeah, you told me.
TT: Honestly, I think she just meant it as a nice gesture, and when Roxy resisted she took it to heart and persisted.
TT: You know how they are with their passive-aggressive war.
TT: Or rather, how Roxy's mom is.
TT: So less of a war and more one side alternating between sending missiles out of nowhere and making grand statements of friendship and camaraderie out of some kind of warped misapprehension that that is fooling goddamned anybody at fuckin' all,
TT: While the other just kinda runs around in circles, stopping occasionally to light a firework, only to be immediately and anticlimactically blown up.
TT: Anyway, I'm sure you'll get to meet up with her another time.
GT: I guess so.
GT: I must say with both of you having such full schedules and jane being so heavily guarded its a bloody wonder if we ever manage to find a time when were free at all!
TT: Well...we'll figure something out, I guess.
GT: Im sure you will!
GT: See this is just what i meant with plans and all! It is truly your area of expertise!
TT: I guess.
GT: Its good! All heroes need someone to help them figure out what they should do so they can put it into action!
GT: Just like mr george in arnie king returns!
TT: I'll take your word for it.
GT: What! :O You have truly never seen this masterpiece of cinema before?!
TT: Can the theatrics, English. I got it the last time you were totally shocked I had never seen some 'incredible movie classic'.
TT: And the time before that. And the thousand goddamn times before that.
GT: Well I cant help it if I am constantly amazed!
GT: Your film education has been appallingly stunted my friend!
TT: Ok, Jane's pestering me.
TT: I guess the next time we talk will be in person.
GT: Guess so!
GT: It really shall be an honour seeing you, Dirk!
TT: You, too.
GT: Farewell until then!
TT: See you.
timaeusTestified [TT] ceased pestering golgothasTerror [GT]
*
By the time Jake's island became visible from the plane, Dirk was already halfway to being a zombie. He'd flown before, of course, travelling all around the world with his bro to different places promoting his movies or just on holiday, but it'd been a while since the last time, and this flight wasn't exactly on the shorter side. It always took longer to fly in a smaller plane, and while he was aware of not only the benefits inherent in having your own private plane but also the impossibility of finding an actual air service that would fly to some random island in the middle of the pacific ocean, he couldn't help but wonder if it would be worth trying just to shave a few hours off.
It wasn't uncomfortable by any means. Those benefits? Very, very real. But though there was a very accomodating bed right beside him, he had unfortunately been plagued with an affliction too embarrassing to admit aloud – he hadn't been able to sleep. Which was fucking stupid, because seriously, what was he, some little kid waiting to go to an amusement park? But whenever he thought about it – actually seeing with his own eyes what he'd heard about for years, seeing Jake's island and Jake's house and Jake right there in front of him – his stomach did this weird kind of flip-flop churning thing that he supposed could be described by some as 'infatuated' but which really came across to him more as 'painful and inconvenient'.
He blamed the turbulence. For better or worse, that had also made its mark on him.
He looked out of the window, swallowing, fiddling with the cord to his earphones. He'd thought about this event for years, more deliberately and with greater focus the closer it came. Out of habit, he had come up with plans and scripts and had theorised about possible conversation directions, but in reality he had no clue how what he was going to do. It was so outside of his previous experience that he admitted privately that he was actually a little freaked out by it all. It wasn't even just that he'd never met a friend from the internet before (and there was no reason to pretend otherwise here – the friends he had that didn't originate from the internet were pretty much nonexistent), it was that the whole thing just meant so very much to him.
He wasn't used to that. He was used to living out his daily life in a kind of hazy stupor – not apathetic, not quite, but nothing to ever really get excited over.
He was used to that. Understood it. This he didn't, and that was actually pretty irritating.
Nor had it escaped his notice that he and Jake would be stuck alone together in a big house for a whole week. Sure, in his more indulgent moments he'd wondered about the possibilities of that, and maybe even now and then he'd seriously considered saying something to him, but the whole thing ultimately just felt pretty unnecessary. Sure, all of that would be goddamn amazing, but if they did nothing for the entire week but hang out like bros then he would be more than happy. Just seeing Jake in person was good enough – for once, he had no desire to overcomplicate things.
The island drifted closer and closer; while before he had been desperate for any sight of it, now it seemed to be coming very quickly. He wished they could get there sooner, but also was glad to have a last few moments to think things over.
He fiddled with the hem of his t-shirt. He'd spent an inordinate amount of time deciding which one to wear and what to pack. Roxy would probably make fun of him for that – she already made fun of him for everything else. He considered texting her again but rejected the idea. He was almost there.
Fuck, he could actually see it. The trees, the frog temple Jake was always talking about (Dirk was a little surprised to see that it really existed; he'd always found the whole thing just a little too weird, but then again, he'd thought that for most of what Jake said), that humongous house and the spire with the ball at the top. His mind stuttered, trying to take in everything and remember every detail but also trying not to, to calm himself down. He was clutching his armrest tight.
There he was. Jake. Smiling and waving.
Fuck.
The plane touched down and his body did strange things.
The landing was bumpy due to the lack of a runway, but the plane was small and there was apparently enough space. Dirk watched silently, waiting for it to stop completely.
Eventually, the motor quieted. Dirk breathed out. He stood up, walking through the door and into the cockpit, and thanked the pilot, reminding him to be here a week later. He'd be receiving a very substantial payment from Dirk's bro's bank balance before long, and the nod he gave Dirk showed how eager he was to receive it. Satisfied, Dirk returned to the main body of the plane.
Okay. Which bags should he take?
...goddammit, this was stupid.
He shook his head. No. He'd just spent twenty seven goddamn hours thinking about this, plus all the time at home getting ready. He was not going to obsess over it.
He grabbed his backpack and one of his luggage bags and strode towards the door firmly, pushing it open. Immediately he narrowed his eyes, the sun bright even through his shades, and winced at the wave of heat and humidity – it had been pleasantly cool in the plane.
“Dirk!”
Fuck.
He paused, seeing Jake in front of him on the sand. His dark skin, tanned further by time spent outdoors. Freckles over his cheeks and shoulders. The collars of his shirt, the skull on his t-shirt. Messy black hair sticking up in a way that didn't seem physically possible. Grinning up at him that same grin he'd seen time and time again in videochats but here, now.
He allowed himself a small smile and a nod, and Jake grinned wider, laughing.
He felt different face to face like this. Dirk had always had the odd sort of impression that Jake wasn't the kind of person you could understand completely over a computer, and it seemed his idea had been right. You could tell as soon as you looked at him that this wasn't a guy made for text – he was far too biological for that. He was as far from a robot as it was possible to get. Which was maybe a strange thing for Dirk to think highly of, but hey, he could appreciate both extremes, right?
Or maybe he was just hot and Dirk was overthinking this.
He walked down the steps, eyes locked. “Hey,” he said finally.
Either way, in an instant all of Dirk's tiredness and worry seemed to melt away. He was here and Jake was here. It was hard for that to go wrong.
Jake didn't waste any time, rushing forward and throwing his arms around Dirk in a hug. “Gosh it's really friggin' good to see you, mate!” he said with feeling, and holy shit that accent was every bit as ridiculous in real life as it looked on the screen, possibly even more. He was very warm, his arms firm, and Dirk struggled with the bags a little but only managed to free one and put it around Jake.
But Jake misinterpreted. “Oh by golly fuck those bags must be heavy! Here-”
“What? No, it's not like-” But then Jake had already grabbed the luggage and – okay, it looked like it barely weighed anything when he did it. Okay. That was. Actually also kind of hot.
Huh.
“I'll just get the rest, then,” Dirk said, gesturing to the plane, and Jake nodded.
He walked back and forth, taking the rest out. He'd expected to have to make multiple trips, but Jake was apparently okay to take most of them. Dirk had to admit that this unprecedented display of strength was more than a little intimidating.
“Wow, you weren't kidding when you threatened to pack your house...”
“Somehow I think even you would have trouble carrying a house.”
“Couldn't this all have gone into your sylladex?”
“I put as much in as possible but the Tech-Hop Modus isn't really the best for carrying lots of junk. It's a bit more sophisticated than that.”
Jake rolled his eyes. “Well, let's get going then, shall we?”
He had to admit, the island was actually pretty fucking spectacular. Before them lay clear rolling fields thickening into jungle further up. Strange albino animals wandered across, ranging from tiny insects to giant monstrosities that Dirk couldn't quite believe complied with the laws of physics. No wonder Jake was walking quickly. But all danger aside, it was a pretty transfixing sight. He was certainly damn sure he'd never seen any animal like this before, not on a screen and certainly not in real life. He wasn't even into biology and he was half tempted to track some of them down and just study them.
A strange cat-like thing with two mouths passed nearby, while a group of things roughly resembling rams grazed in the tall grass. It was like they'd landed on some alien planet. He shot a glance at Jake – no, apparently this was all normal for him.
The island itself was interesting as well, all dramatic cliffs and small mountains. Exactly what you'd think of if asked to describe a tropical island, really. Dirk wasn't normally one inclined towards poetic thoughts or meditative contemplation of nature or shit like that, but it was certainly aesthetically pleasing, that was for sure.
The house was pretty far away – all the way up at the top of some giant hill. Who the fuck had thought that was a good idea? Not that Jake probably often had reason to leave, anyway, though. At least there was a path.
“So how've things been?”
“Dude, you know. We just talked...fuck, I have no idea how long ago.”
Jake turned, raising an eyebrow. “You sound tired.”
“No shit, I just sat through a 27-hour-long plane ride.” He shook his head. “It's fine, though.”
“I guess you couldn't sleep on the plane... that is pretty hard.” Jake tilted his head to one side. “I suppose I'll have to wait before cashing in your promise to wrestle with me!”
“I thought it was a duel.”
“It is both a duel and a wrestle. A wrestleduel. A duelwrestle. A duewrlestlel.” Jake spluttered, and Dirk chuckled.
“Don't hurt yourself. And yeah, that might be a good idea. Then again, it might help to make it more fair if I'm sleep-deprived.”
Jake rolled his eyes theatrically. “You wish, Strider. No, we're not going to be squaring off one on one until we are both fighting fit! No compromises, and I expect none from you, either!”
“Of course.”
“Hmmm...” Jake suddenly grinned, pausing walking long enough to look Dirk straight on. “I was planning to wait a while before getting to this, but I can't think of a better opportunity!”
“What?” For reasons he couldn't quite begin to explain, Dirk's stomach began to sink. All he knew was that that smile meant trouble.
Jake looked downright victorious, puffing out his chest like some fucking overblown bird douchebag. “We are going to have a marathon!”
“...a marathon?” Of – oh fuck. “Oh hell no.”
“Hell yes,” Jake repeated, smiling growing wider. “Hell fucking yes.”
“No. No we are not.”
“Oh, come on. There are so many you haven't seen yet!” Jake whined, turning around and striding forward again. Hastily, Dirk followed, stumbling slightly over a rock as they began to ascend. “Didn't I always promise you I'd show you them all someday?”
“I thought you were joking. Exaggerating. We're not seriously watching them all.”
“Well, not all of them. By god man, that would take days! No, much longer! Certainly more time than we have to spare this week. But that's all the more reason to do it properly, right?”
“Fuck.”
“What was the last one? Arnie King Returns, I think? Yes, that will make an excellent starting point...”
Dirk groaned; Jake laughed.
The house was just as impressive, and more cluttered than Dirk could possibly have imagined.
“Jesus, what is all this stuff?” Dirk muttered, slowing down to catch his breath under the guise of looking at a painting of some weird crab-like creature.
“Oh, my grandma had all sorts of interests! Science, botany, fauna of all kinds - she just loved to collect all this stuff!”
“I can see...” Dirk veered around a large and someone unnerving statue of an anthromorphic dog. Yeah, he wasn't gonna think about that.
“Didn't you say your brother is the same?”
“I don't think a Strider and an English could ever be deemed the same,” Dirk said as they travelled through a room that had clearly become overrun with vegetable plants at some point in its long history. Stepping over an unfeasibly large tomato, he added, “but yeah, he has some weird interests of his own. Old movies and stuff, mostly.”
“That's right!” Jake said emphatically, nonchalantly ducking under a large vine covered in grapes. “Good man, good man. I can appreciate that. What sort?”
“Crap ones, mostly. Well, entirely. And he had this weird obsession with Con Air.”
“Oh really? Yes, that was a good one! Always love a good Cage flick! The ending made me cry when I was a kid...” Jake chuckled.
“Please tell me you're not going to force me to watch it. I've already seen it, anyway.” The next room was filled with books of all kinds, ranging from tomes so decrepit they almost seemed to dissolve before your eyes to discs tucked in between or piled up in stacks. He wondered how old Jake had been when she had died.
“Hmmm... it is tempting! But no, we have plenty of other movies to be getting along with, so I suppose we can skip that one.”
They reached a tall room with two sets of stairs on either side; even this room was filled with various vials and jugs containing all kids of dangerous-looking liquid. Dirk glared at the stairs, eyes narrowed.
“Are we gonna have to walk up these? Because I told you about stairs, bro.”
“I told you, dog,” Jake said with enthusiasm, and for a minute he sounded so much like some weird old guy trying to sound cool Dirk almost laughed aloud. Inwardly he resolved to subtly make Jake repeat as many of his brother's idiotic phrases as he could this week. “But no, for we have this handy gadget right here!” Jake stepped onto the center platform, and in a second he had disappeared with a flash of green light.
Dirk raised his eyebrows. Well, that was convenient. He followed, and soon they reached the top. Up a set of stairs, and there they were – Jake's room.
It was...well, just as he had expected. In fact, it was even more Jake than he had envisioned it – movie posters covering every inch of wallspace, comic books all over the place, guns lined up along the walls. It was pretty small, made even more cramped with the two beds and a couch and coffee table that Jake had probably brought up just for him. (Wait, that would involve dragging them up the stairs and – no, never mind, Jake could probably do that anyway. Apparently.) Even with everything pushed to one side it was a tight fit.
“They're unloaded,” Jake said, noticing Dirk's line of sight. Dirk rolled his eyes, but inwardly thanked Jake for not being a total idiot all of the time.
“That second bed on the right there's yours, I brought it up yesterday. The toilet's in the room just below and to the left. Er, if you go down the stairs, and you're facing the wall, then it's to the left... Well, I'm sure you'll work it out.” Jake spun around, clapping his hands. “So! What do you think?”
Dirk considered his answer. “It's pretty rad,” he said honestly.
Jake grinned widely – that same intoxicating grin he always seemed to wear. Or every time Dirk saw him, anyway. “Well! How about you get your stuff ready and I'll set up the telly?”
Dirk nodded, turning to his bags immediately. Most of it was probably unnecessary – okay, he might have been a little paranoid to envision Jake living in some single room in a cave somewhere, but it wasn't like Jake hadn't given him enough to worry about. It seemed like the house had most of what he'd need apart from obvious necessities like changes of clothes, edible food, and soap.
First things first – he unpacked Cal. Ahh, Cal. It had felt more than a little cruel to keep him cooped up in there for so long. He took him out, flashstepping him over by the bed out of habit.
“GAH!” Jake suddenly fell over, resting on his hands, staring at the beds. “What the bleeding shit was that?!”
“Huh?” Dirk flashstepped over again to pick up Cal and Jake let out a rather undignified squawking noise. “This is Lil' Cal.”
Jake stared. “You did that?!”
“…well, yeah.” Dirk shrugged, flashstepping over to the door and back to demonstrate. “I told you I could, didn’t I?”
Jake adjusted his glasses, shaking his head. “I thought perhaps that was just another of your boasts, like your stupid stories about your swords.”
“What boasts? That was the truth.” He looked him straight in the eyes, drawing upon all of his vital reserves of pokerface energy. Years of training with his bro had prepared him for moments like these. “Dude, my bro and I spent, like, a month in the tsundere mountains. We camped out every night and hunted mountain lions for food. I thought you of all people would understand what that’s like.”
Jake glared at him, then smiled, all hint of suspicion or jealousy fading away in seconds. “Well I must say that it’s very impressive!”
Dirk shrugged a little, straightening slightly. “Well, bro's pretty good as well.” Not that he could resist flashstepping Lil’ Cal’s cap onto Jake’s head. He was only human.
“Eh-” Jake pulled the hat off as soon as he felt the weight and threw it violently at Dirk; it went flat and fluttered slowly to the floor between them within seconds.
Jake’s eye twitched. “Well. You might be fast, but let’s see-“ he took his guns out of his sylladex but then stopped. “Wh-“
Dirk twirled the handle nonchalantly. “You were saying?”
“Oh, will you just shut up already,” Jake complained, but he was smiling, and Dirk returned the pistols with a slight smirk.
“Thanks, bro.” He turned to Lil’ Cal and opened his mouth but flinched. “That’s – Lil’ Cal, then.”
“Yep.” Dirk made Lil’ Cal sit up on the bed and Jake flinched again. “What?”
Jake raised an eyebrow, then narrowed his eyes, then tilted his head to one side. “…it looks weird. And creepy.”
“What? No man, Lil’ Cal is the shit,” Dirk said, somewhat affronted. He made an unconscious step towards him.
“Seriously?”
“Uh, yeah.”
Jake scratched his cheek. “Is this another one of those dadblasted complicated irony things you do?”
“Well, duh.” Jake relaxed. “That’s the whole point. It’s such a high level of irony that it actually wraps around to sincerity. A few times, in fact. It’s very complex.”
“That sounds a lot like actual sincerity.”
“That’s the point.” Dirk nodded wisely. “The best irony always comes across indistinguishable from actual sincerity. Have you ever heard of Poe’s Law?”
“…so you don’t actually think he’s awesome.”
“He is awesome,” Dirk insisted, picking Lil’ Cal up. Why was Jake not getting this? Jesus, he could not be explaining more clearly.
Jake shook his head, frowning. “I don't think I understand!”
Dirk pursed his lips. Already the explanation was coming to him, as easily as if he'd rehearsed it, but Jake's doubtful expression stopped him. “It's fine.” He turned, going back to his bags to unpack more of his things.
Clothes, games, food – he sorted through them slowly, Lil' Cal still sitting happily on the bed. Lil' Cal was always happy.
After a few minutes Jake left down the stairs. He returned soon later, arms full of candy and popcorn. “All right! We're ready, then!”
Dirk nodded, turning around and... “Uh...where's the TV?”
Jake shook his head. “Oh, no! What I have is much better!” Jake dropped the food onto the coffee table, sitting on the couch. Hesitantly, Dirk followed, sitting beside him and looking forward in the direction Jake was. He couldn't see anything. He was just going to ask again when Jake held out a controller and pressed a button and holy goddamn shit-
It was like the whole room just fell away, replaced by a black void except for a huge holohraphic projection of what was unmistakably Arnie King Returns' title screen. He blinked, removing his shades and looking aside to Jake. He was grinning widely, expectantly.
“Pretty cool.”
Jake wilted. “Come on. Surely it's better than that?”
It actually was. Dirk certainly wasn't low on money and never really had been, but Jake had apparently been putting better use to his. Or was this his grandma's doing? Who knew. In any case, if this was how Jake watched movies, it was actually kind of understandable why he was so obsessed with them.
He shrugged.
Jake narrowed his eyes. “Are you still upset about me not liking your puppet?”
“He's not just a puppet,” Dirk muttered. Of course Jake would just outright ask. The boy had no subtlety whatsoever.
“Then what is it? Please enlighten me, because I don't understand.” For a moment, Jake looked almost frighteningly intense, and Dirk realised with some surprise that he honestly wanted to know. He wasn't sure why this was news to him – he'd known Jake since they were both eleven, after all, and he'd known Jane and Roxy for even longer – but apparently it was.
It was a little odd. With most other people he'd just say it, almost challengingly. Because he didn't give a shit what they thought, and if they thought he was crazy for it, well, all the better for him. But he wasn't crazy and it wasn't weird or anything, and maybe he actually sort of did want Jake to know some things about himself. Things he had carefully apportioned and deliberately distributed to him, at any rate.
“He's my friend.”
Jake stared at him. “What?”
Dirk nodded. “He used to be bro's. I like keeping him around. It's...well. Useful to have a friend actually, y'know, physically nearby.”
Jake continued to stare. Instinctively, Dirk narrowed his eyes.
Then Jake snorted. Then chuckled.
“What?”
Jake continued to chuckle – no, not chuckle, giggle. “I'm – I'm sorry, but that's really, really cute.”
Dirk's mouth contorted itself into a strange an unlikely variety of shapes. Jake laughed even harder. “I am not cute.”
“You consider a puppet your friend. That's either cute or really bloody weird, dude.”
“I'll take weird.”
“Too late! I've already decided it's cute. It's ruddy god-fucking adorable.”
Dirk glared at him hatefully. Jake downright gaffawed. It was not even slightly attractive.
“I thought we had a movie to watch?”
“Right!” Jake pressed the play button immediately, practically beaming in anticipation.
The movie began. Unfortunately, it was exactly as stupid as he'd expected. From the moment it started Dirk couldn't help pointing out the plot holes and logical fallacies. Fortunately, as expected, Jake wasn't the sort to despise people talking through movies, and seemed honestly just pleased that Dirk wanted to talk about it at all, even to criticise it. For all his shameless fanboying he was surprisingly ready to admit when something didn't make sense and would often join Dirk in mocking it. And...well. It was actually pretty fun, even if the movie was still crap.
Plus, it was all very interesting from a sociological point of view. Maybe Jake was onto something and it would serve him well to bone up on his film-based pop culture.
“Oh my god, what even the fuck.”
“What? No, no, don't talk here, this is-”
“Don't tell me you're enjoying this. It makes no sense whatsoever! This whole movie they've been beating us over the head that this guy won't stop at anything to win, and then all of a sudden he just gives up as soon as the hero points a gun at him?”
“It's called strategy, Dirk, seriously-”
“He has a fucking button to call every soldier in the country at his command! It's right there in his pocket!”
“I thought they destroyed that earlier?”
“No, they destroyed the other button, the one that explodes the bridge.”
“I thought it was the same button?”
“It wasn't, he put them both out in the second scene!”
Jake paused. He pursed his lips. “Maybe that was a different button?”
“Oh, for fuck's sake – and what the shit is this girl doing? She's hated him the whole movie, and now she suddenly wants to jump him just 'cause he saved her?”
“He's a hero! Girls like that.”
“'Girls' don't like anything. They are human beings just like you and me and are perfectly sensible. And they don't just change their minds about a guy who's been harrassing them for days just – the fuck.”
“Ooh, I love this bit!”
“Why did he jump out of the window? There was a door, like, right there.”
“It looked cool.”
“It looked painful.”
“You have no imagination.”
“I have plenty of imagination. A far better imagination than these writers, clearly.”
Jake's eyes sparkled challengingly. “Why Mr. Strider, that sounded awfully like thrown-down gauntlet, there.”
“I assure you, Mr. English, that it most certainly wasn't.”
“No, seriously!” Jake said, forgetting about the movie momentarily and turning fully to Dirk. “It's actually a pretty great idea – we could write our own script and act it out and make it ourselves – I'm sure you have some fancy-pants editing thing on your computer or whatever – and maybe even the girls could get involved as well, maybe filming some extra scenes just of them or doing music or something – that is, if you don't want to do the music yourself!”
Dirk raised his eyebrows; watching Jake as he got steadily more excited was far more interesting than this shitfest of a movie.
“It'd be an action movie of course – ahh, but it would have elements from all kinds of genres: comedy, horror, romance, drama-”
“Romance?”
“Y-” Jake paused, faltering. “...well whatever. But it would be really original! It'd be a movie of movies, referencing all kinds of films through time! And not just really famous ones as well – all movies, big or small, from the movies that change worlds to the movies that only one or two people ever even see but which still deserve recognition! Like one massive tribute to the entire industry!”
Dirk remembered the bowl of popcorn on the table and rested it on his lap, throwing a piece into his mouth. Jake didn't hesitate for a moment.
“Yes – and not just in plot or characters as well, but in everything! Music, sound effects, setting – I'm sure we could dress up some of the rooms here for sets! That'd do for plots as well – I guess we haven't much in way of costuming but that's never really all that important anyway. Actually, I'm assuming there's a camera down there somewhere – it'd be better with a good one, but in a pinch I suppose we could just use a phone or something. It'd be shaky, but there'd be an odd sort of charm about it, don't you think? True amateur cinema!”
Dirk took another bite, crunching loudly.
“Oh yes, I can see it now – just you and me trekking through the wilderness together, bringing food with us and camping out each night, stopping every day to shoot scenes and editing them together at night – doesn't it just sound perfect?!”
Dirk waited. Jake waited.
“The movie's done.”
“Ah, right!” Immediately Jake leapt off the couch to scrounge around for the next DVD. Dirk raised an eyebrow, shaking his head. It seemed even Jake was even more Jake than he'd expected.
“Oh, this one's a classic – I think you said you didn't watch it a couple of years ago? Yes, when we were having that conversation about sport! I know you don't know anything about cricket but it's really not necessary, it's still a really amazing movie!”
This movie, too, was bearable, albeit with extensive commentary on both boys' parts. The next movie was even actually rather good, though admitting it might have been a mistake because the light in Jake's eyes when he did so was more than a little foreboding. The next movie was...well, different, anyway, the one after that crap, the one after might have been good but it was hard to tell at this point, and after that Dirk didn't even bother trying to distinguish between one movie and the next anymore, contenting himself with leaning back and watching the pictures move.
His eyes were getting heavy – all the excitement from meeting Jake had pushed his tiredness to the back of his mind but now it returned in full force. He resisted at first but as the film went on and Jake appeared happy to keep watching, he let it happen.
It was surprisingly comfortable sitting here, leaning against the arm. He was sure Jake was aware he was half-asleep by now, but apparently, that was ok, too.
He breathed out.
*
Consciousness returned dully, but quickly. Still another movie playing. He shifted, sitting up and blinking his eyes open. The darkness was more than a little disorienting.
“What time is it?”
“Five o'clock. You've only been asleep for two hours, so don't worry – I expect you'll get to bed fine tonight.”
Dirk stretched his arms then rubbed his eyes. He did feel much better now, thought it did feel pretty weird that nothing seemed to have changed in the time he was asleep.
Jake was still sitting beside him, watching the movie avidly. Half-eaten food was strewn over the table; Dirk wondered what they'd do for dinner, if anything.
It was a romantic comedy this time, apparently. From the looks of it, it had only just started – the girl was going on about how amazing the guy was, so clearly they hadn't had the requisite conflict and split yet. One of the other characters said something so incredibly transparent that Dirk automatically made a sarcastic comment mentally, but somehow he didn't really feel in the mood to voice it aloud.
Maybe it was the weirdness of the whole situation just now hitting him, or maybe it was because he'd just woken up, but he felt oddly sensitive all of a sudden. His skin prickled, twitching at the slightest pressure, and his chest felt heavy. There was something warm there, warm and oddly sickly, like one of Jane's overly sweetened puddings and in the haze of darkness and awkwardness and grumpiness it actually wasn't all that pleasant.
The girl in the movie was loud and passionate and 'feisty'; the guy was flirty and challenging. In other words, they were both dickheads who probably deserved each other. He had never entirely understood exactly what was so romantic about this plotline that almost every single romantic story he'd ever come across (read: very few, quite deliberately) went this way, but he'd never really understood much about romance altogether.
But he had to admit the girl wasn't entirely unattractive. She was charming and confident and even he would agree that she was pleasant to look at, even if he didn't at all want to sleep with her. When she tossed her long brown hair and her blue eyes shined Dirk wondered whether this was what Jake liked. She might not be blue, maybe, but he must have other qualities he found attractive. He was so confident in that one thing, it was a little impossible to believe he didn't have some sort of type.
He chanced a look; Jake was watching even more intently than usual, if possible, eyes narrowed. If he didn't know better Dirk would almost think he looked thoughtful. Uneasily, he turned back to the movie, hoping this wouldn't end up in some sort of big discussion.
The film wasn't as bad as he expected, actually. The characters called each other out on their idiocy and actually had some genuinely cute moments together. But maybe that was just because Jake was beside him and the weight in his chest was rapidly becoming hotter and hotter, sending goosebumps down his arms. Fuck, this was weird. Maybe he should take a pill or something? Or go back to sleep?
The movie drew to a close on the happy couple's kiss and Dirk waited for Jake to replace it with another movie, glad this whole thing was over. But the credits continued to roll and still Jake didn't move. Dirk glanced at him again and immediately wished he hadn't, for the look of utter serious contemplation sent warning signals through pretty much everything ever.
“Have you ever kissed a bloke before?”
Several long seconds passed before Dirk was even capable of understanding that question. His whole body seemed to jump slightly, all his muscles squeezing in unison; his stomach twisted in a way that made him feel downright nauseous.
What the fucking fuck.
Once it returned consciousness Dirk's brain immediately whirred into action; unfortunately, its focus was rather skewed. Don't wait too long, he thought, if you wait a long time it looks suspicious. But then he thought, no, this is a fucking serious thing here, I can't just say whatever. I need to think about this. And then he realised that he was spending more time thinking about how long to think about the question than could even be justified thinking about the question in the first place, which made him wonder whether he might as well think about the question now anyway since he had already kept Jake waiting regardless, and ok maybe he was panicking.
The credits were still running and with with the black background it was as though nothing existed in the world but Jake, the couch, and the table in front of them. The cheery music seemed to echo forever.
“No,” he said shortly. “Why?”
Jake shrugged casually and Dirk wondered whether he really hadn't picked up on Dirk's reaction. How long had he waited? Fuck, for all he knew the computations had happened in an instant; that sort of thing had happened to him before. Or he had sat there for five minutes and Jake was being polite. He genuinely had no idea and that did not help his heart rate at all.
“Oh, you know, adventurous guy like me wonders about all that...”
Dirk's eye twitched. Was he dreaming? This was not fucking sexy. Just a few hours ago things had been great but everything was suddenly terrible and Dirk did not understand anything at all anymore.
Why was Jake licking his lips. Dirk wanted to punch him a little, then a lot.
“And...” Jake shifted, avoiding Dirk's eyes; Dirk's eye twitched again. “Well...it's not as though I have a lot of opportunities to try it out...”
His body was doing things that no body should be able to do. His arms felt hot. There was a sharp pain in his foot. It was as though someone had shoved his brain into a blender and then plugged that into him, expecting him to get some sort of physical action or coherent thought from it.
This seemed like the sort of statement he could spend time thinking on. He deliberately thought it to himself, too: 'all right, brain, think away.' But nothing came. He shivered. At some point the bus he was driving had crashed through a wall. Which was bad, only then it just kept crashing through walls, and Dirk had no idea how to make it stop. Crash crash crash crash.
He licked his lips. He looked at the movie – finally, the title screen had returned, playing the same 30-second-long song snippet over and over. Strangely, the repetition almost seemed to help, calming his thoughts. At least this was something he could fucking count on fucking fuck oh shit.
He had so many questions and he had absolutely no idea what to do with them. He had absolutely no idea what to do with anything.
This? This was an utterly terrible idea for every single reason ever. Ever since he and Jake first interacted online, he had always known deep down, subconsciously or otherwise, that it could never happen. It wasn't something he sort of believed but wished otherwise, it was a singular fact about the universe. He might like to daydream otherwise, but those daydreams were as impossible as imagining that he was a fucking samurai or a goddamned superhero or something. The question was not whether Jake would respond favourably to Dirk's inevitable confession, it was how unfavourably he would respond.
But that wasn't the main thing. That was the thing overwhelming Dirk's senses and choking him because this was coming out of motherfucking nowhere, but that wasn't the main reason not to do this. The main reason was that he was goddamn in love with him and yeah, actually kind of already aware he was into guys, and pretending otherwise on either of these things couldn't really constitute anything other than lying to Jake.
Jake was happy to fool around with Dirk believing that Dirk was in exactly the same position he was. Would he be so happy if he knew the truth?
“It seems,” he said finally, even managing a chuckle (albeit one that sounded high-pitched even to his ears), “that there is an 87.1% probability that you are propositioning me, English. Are you propositioning me?”
“Er, well,” Jake said, and fuck him but all of a sudden Jake looked almost as flustered as Dirk had felt just then; he blushed, running a hand through his hair. “Haha, sorry, that probably came out sounding a little weird! I just-”
“Wait.” Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.
The bus crashed through a final wall, fell three storeys into a basement and killed seven people on impact.
He thought about it. He licked his lips again. He stared at the title, unseeing. He didn't think about it, actually, but he felt that at least waiting a few seconds would be better than not at all. He gripped the sofa under his fingers, suddenly aware that in this void he had no proper conception of up or down. He felt like he was sitting on some heaving boat that was screwing with his center of gravity.
Then he thought something. He thought, 'Jake wants to make out with me.'
His body did slightly more familiar things, if in ways involving rather more twisting and anxiety than ever before.
“I didn't say no,” he said finally, letting the words roll deep from his tongue.
A silence, strained.
He was a fucking really terrible person. He actually literally seriously was.
“Oh!” Jake said, sounding almost comedically relieved. “Well then! That's jolly good then, wouldn't you say!” Then he was shifting closer and wait fuck what. “So shall we?”
“W-now?”
Jake nodded, shrugging cheerfully. “No time like the present!”
He felt like he'd been watching a movie and had gotten lost in thought and when he came back to earth, something completely different was playing. He'd accuse Jake of stopping and changing it for another film halfway through, but what would be the point of him doing that? He didn't recognise these characters, he had no idea what was going on, and his brain was scrambling to justify that. This must be a really mind screwy movie, he would think. There's no way I'd be so confused otherwise. But this wasn't a movie, this was real life, and jesus pretending he knew what was going on here was so much more fucking difficult.
Dirk let out a sharp breath in something that could possibly be interpreted as a snort. What the fuck, it wasn't like he couldn't handle this. He could do it. He hadn't been lying when he'd said he'd never kissed a guy before, but it wasn't like he didn't know what to do or anything. And this was just Jake. It wasn't as though he was the first guy to kiss someone he had a crush on.
He'd just...wing it. Not normally his style, but it wasn't like he had any other fuckin' choice here.
“All right,” he said slowly, turning in his seat, feeling a bit dizzy at the surreality of it all. Here he was, in some void lit only by the title screen for a shitty romance movie, about to make out with Jake on his sofa. That didn't sound very Hollywood. Something indie, maybe. Jake would still watch it, probably.
“Ok,” Jake murmured, shuffling forward and then taking his glasses off and placing them on the table. He looked different without them, in a way Dirk didn't presently have the brainpower to explore. Jake put a hand on Dirk's knee and Dirk put a hand on his arm.
Jake was taller than him, a little. He'd never noticed that before. His eyelashes curved with his eyes, an oddly elegant touch to such a boisterous person. He liked the contrast.
Jake breathed out and leaned in.
At first nothing changed – it was weird and confusing and not all that good. There were lips and Jake was kind of holding him tightly and Jake kept pushing against him but Dirk, trying to get ahold of the situation, was instinctively moving back, until Jake was almost leaning over him. Jake's eyes were squeezed shut with the expression of one who was concentrating intensely, and Dirk could tell that he was thinking about this as much as Dirk.
No. No, he wasn't going to think about this, or what it meant, or if Jake would enjoy it, or anything. He was done. He was groggy from sleep and weirded out about everything and he was fucking kissing Jake, and if that wasn't an opportunity to shut his mind off for a little while, nothing was.
And...it did.
His eyes fluttered closed. He caught his breath, gaining a rhythm. His other hand came to Jake's side and he returned the pressure, licking at Jake's lips and pushing in. Jake made an odd, surprised little gravelly grunt to that which was very nice, actually, and Dirk pushed forwards, tightening his hands around Jake.
And, well...Dirk hadn't kissed a guy before. Neither, obviously, had Jake. He was a bit too eager, too forward, too fast. Dirk was too removed, too hesitant, and then too challenging. He plunged his tongue into Jake's mouth and Jake chuckled a little, almost, pulling Dirk to him and kissing him in earnest. He made a particular movement with his tongue against the tip of Dirk's and Dirk let out a quiet breath, and then Jake actually paused for a moment before almost rolling into Dirk's mouth, pouring himself into him.
It was fucking amazing.
Jake's hand was exerting more and more force on Dirk's knee as he leant his weight onto him, accidentally pushing it away from him, outwards. Jake was big and heavy and very, very masculine; Dirk could feel the slight texture of stubble around his mouth and it was a little scary how hot that was. He sucked at Jake's mouth, holding his tongue between his lips, then broke away to press his teeth into Jake's bottom lip, just slightly, just to test it out.
Jake broke away just enough to see him. He swallowed visibly – how much of Dirk was in that? Their breaths intermingled and Jake absent-mindedly rubbed his thumb across Dirk's thigh, just above the knee.
Jake's eyes was wide, his pupils dilated. “Wow.”
Dirk nodded. Jake's lips were very very red. His chest was moving up and down beneath his shirt as he breathed.
“I say,” Jake said, his eyes flickering, and there was that, too – there was nothing separating them, no computer screen, not even any glasses. Dirk wanted to kiss him again. “I would rather say that that was a success!”
Dirk nodded again. If he were thinking he would probably be concerned by the fact that he had not yet managed to get his brain working again, but to do that would, paradoxically, require him to be capable of processing anything more complicated than basic sensory experiences. His arms felt hot again, though now it was a much more generalised sort of hotness, which for some reason felt better.
Jake made an odd half snorting sort of thing. His eyes were brimming with curiosity. “Would I be correct to say that?”
“Yes.”
This time Jake actually did snort, which really wasn't a nice thing to encounter so close like that. Probably. Usually. “Well...I suppose I would not be opposed to trying that out again!”
Dirk nodded, mental processes slowly, thankfully, frighteningly returning. “I guess so.”
“Is that a yes?”
Dirk rolled his eyes. “The fuck do you think.”
Jake smiled, a little small, a little mischievous. Dirk's entire internal organ system felt like it was in a blender. This was not a good thing.
And then they were kissing again and his mind went blank and he thought, then again, he had been wrong before.
*
tipsyGnostalgic [TG] began pestering timaeusTestified [TT] at 21:09
TG: sooooooo hows it goin??
TT: He just made me sit through fifteen hours of movies.
TT: Kill me now.
TG: Omg lol
TG: you actaully wernet expecting that??
TT: I had expected some, yes.
TT: I admit that fifteen hours is somewhat outside of my predictions. A statistical outlier.
TG: hahahaha u were just soooo excitde to see him u didn't even think of that right??
TG: lol so cute
TT: Admittedly, I was asleep for some of the time period.
TG: on his shoulder???
TT: No.
TG: omg come on dirk its just the 2 of u there
TG: all alone
TG: on some denserntd ilsand
TG: soooooo romantic *won*
TG: *wonk
TT: You're imagining things.
TG: ughhhhhh
TG: well its not like i can actually be there mself can i!!
TG: leave me my fantasies sheesh
TT: When said fantasies involve me, I think I'm well within my rights to ask you to refrain.
TG: too late
TG: already thought o it
TT: I'd have preferred it if you could come, too.
TG: well duh
TG: jfc I srsly cant believe it
TG: i'm all like 'omfg whee happy cool times w/ bffsiez 4everz FINALLY'
TG: and mom is all like 'OMG NO WE HAF BOOK TOUR GRGR GR'
TG: and like she knowsits not cause I dont care or w/e I just rly wanna see my friends!
TG: but nooooooooo
TG: bluh blu huge witch
TT: I'm sure this is just some very misguided attempt at daughterly affection.
TG: i knooooow
TG: guess i cant rly blame her
TG: well i CAN but istill get it
TT: I guess our best option at this point is that 'immersive reality' game Jane is so excited about.
TG: guess so
TG: but
TG: idk
TT: What?
TG: just knda have a bad feeling about it
TG: nt sure why
TT: What do you mean?
TG: idk!
TG: just it seems kinda...........spicious?
TG: *suspicious
TT: How on earth could a game be suspicious?
TT: It's a game. You buy it. You play it. That's it.
TT: I understand if you think it'll be crap, but this just doesn't make sense.
TG: I know I know iknow never mind!
TT: You're starting to sound like Jake.
TT: Is this game part of some big conspiracy undertaken by an evil fuckin' emperor attempting to take over the world?
TG: omg nvr mind
TG: im not THAT bad
TT: Then I don't get it.
TT: Besides, it'll be worth it to meet up all together, right?
TG: yeah
TG: yah it rly will
TT: And I feel the same.
TT: As do Jane and Jake.
TG: ya
TG: omg
TG: wen did this conversatn get all sappy
TG: speaking of sappiness
TG: lets get bak to Jake mmkay!
TT: What about him?
TG: well obvs i wanna know!!
TT: Know what?
TG: um
TG: like
TG: everything??
TG: is he hotter in prson
TG: if thats even possible lol
TT: You know what he looks like.
TG: yeah but
TG: only his face
TG: wonk wink wonk wonk wonk
TT: I'm going to talk to Jane now.
TG: u r such a panty popper!!
TG: *omgf hahahaha
TG: *party pooper
TG: *no wait
timaeusTestified [TT] ceased pestering tipsyGnostalgic [TG]