Chapter Text
London, 1911
Ben Solo was not alone.
He’d lain awake in bed for hours, unable to sleep, anxious for what the morning would bring. It had been in this prone, restless state that he’d first heard the sound of scuffling outside his bedroom window, making his blood freeze. Paralysed in the dark, he’d watched with one eye cracked open as the figure had climbed in through his bedroom window and began to move about his bedroom as though searching for something, before promptly collapsing in the centre of the rug and holding their head in their hands.
When he’d sat upright, the strange girl hadn’t even glanced at him.
Croaking, unable to think of anything else to say, he asked, “Why are you crying?”
The girl sniffed and shook her head miserably, but responded as if they were not strangers at all and this was not a deeply bizarre set of circumstances. “I’ve lost my shadow.”
He must be dreaming. This was all simply too weird.
“Your… shadow?” he repeated, deciding he might as well go along with it.
She gulped, her little head bobbing slightly, and she looked back at him with tears in her eyes as she explained, “Well, my cat. Well, he’s not really my cat, he’s Poe’s cat, but he follows me everywhere like a shadow so I call him my shadow, and he followed me to this street but then he jumped up into your window and now I can’t find him and you’ve got a dog and - and - wait - why are you sad?”
“I’m not sad,” he replied indignantly.
“Yes, you are,” she countered. “It’s all over your face.”
“Maybe that’s just my face.”
“Smile then,” she said, sitting up straighter and angling her body to face him, an air of challenge in her posture.
“I don’t want to,” he groused, giving her his best intimidating look which usually made the children at school who teased him back off. It didn’t seem to faze this girl in the slightest.
“Then you’re sad. It’s always much harder to smile when you’re sad.”
Ben took a deep breath and when he let it go, he felt all of the fight rush out of him, the well of anxiety he had been attempting to stave off for weeks now filling up in his chest.
“I have to leave home tomorrow,” he said quietly.
“So?” the girl asked.
He looked up at her incredulously.
“ So I have to live at my uncle’s boarding school and I don’t want to.”
“Will you miss your parents?” she asked. He snorted, turning away to look at the open window.
“No.”
“Will you miss your friends?”
“I don’t have any friends,” he answered, even more quietly. The girl frowned, tipping her head to the side.
“Then why don’t you want to go? School sounds like a great adventure.”
Perhaps she was one of those children whose parents only sent them to school until they were old enough to work? Perhaps she’d already finished her education and was now helping to earn money for her family.
“You wouldn’t understand.”
“Why don’t you just run away?”
“Don’t be stupid. Where would I even go?”
“Anywhere, stupid . It’s a big world, you know. You could come with me, if I decided you were nice enough.”
“Your parents would just send me home.”
“I don’t have any parents. And I don’t go to school either. You don’t need any of that stuff in Neverland .”
Perhaps this girl was a little mad?
“What’s Neverland ?” he asked carefully.
“It’s my home. It’s where my family lives.”
“I thought you said you didn’t have any family?”
“I said I don’t have parents . Family doesn’t have to be your parents.”
“What do you do, if you don’t go to school?”
“Play. Fix things. Feed the animals. It’s fun - mostly. I’ll show you the way on one condition: you have to help me find BB.”
“Who?”
“My shadow, haven’t you been listening?”
Ignoring this, he pursed his lips pensively.
“Is it far, Neverland ?”
“It’s everywhere and nowhere. It’s moving all the time. But right now, we’re parked up in Jakku Square.”
“Wait a minute -“ he hissed, all the pieces suddenly falling together. “You’re talking about the circus, aren’t you? I’ve seen the posters!”
“Are you going to help me or not?”
This was probably a bad idea. But if he went away with this girl, he wouldn’t have to go and live with Uncle Luke. He would be able to do what he wanted, be responsible for the first time in his life for his own decisions.
Slipping his feet out of bed and suppressing a shiver as they hit the cool oak floor, Ben pulled back the covers to reveal the other occupant who had jumped in through his window moments before the girl had and curled up against his thigh. The girl stared at him, mouth agape, expression indignant.
“He was under your covers this whole time?” she whispered in outrage.
Ben shrugged, patting BB the cat on the head who gazed reproachfully up at him for the disturbance. “He seemed comfortable.”
The girl shook her head and then, to his surprise, she laughed. “Come on, naughty boy,” she murmured, reaching towards the ginger fluff ball curled up in Ben’s bed and hoisting him into her arms. He didn’t struggle, merely hung off her arm docily.
Suddenly, Ben’s mouth felt very dry. Was he really about to run away from home? With the circus ? He felt giddy. He knew his parents would be furious when they woke to find him gone, but they had wanted to send him away regardless - what did it matter where he went?
He moved across the room quietly, ever conscious of his sleeping family, and unfastened his brown leather bag packed with school things ready for the morning. He began to remove the things he wouldn’t need, leaving only a few changes of clothes.
He pulled on a pair of dark trousers and the coat hanging up neatly in the corner of his room, not bothering to change out of his night clothes; he’d need the extra warmth, he mused. Finally forcing his feet into a pair of brand new school shoes his mother had bought him as a going-away present, he straightened and turned to face the girl, who watched him with interest.
“Ready,” he said simply.
She stuck her palm out towards him, BB the cat still hanging idly off the other arm. “Rey.”
He took her hand and felt how cold her fingers were. He had the strange urge to warm them between his palms.
“Benjamin.”
“I’m calling you Ben,” she shrugged, taking her hand back. “Come on then. To Neverland .”
“Wait,” he said, frowning as she moved towards the window. “Can’t we just use the front door?”
She threw him an amused glance over her shoulder. “What? Scared of heights or something?”
“Yes,” he spluttered before he could stop himself. Her eyebrows raised.
“You’ll be fine. I’ll help you. Your dog might wake up if we use the front door.”
Ben felt a twinge of regret when he thought about leaving Artie, his faithful hound.
In a feat of astonishing acrobatics, Rey swung herself out of the window with ease, BB still hooked over one elbow, and grinned at him.
“Just don’t look down,” she whispered before descending out of view. Ben gulped and approached the window, peering down at the girl as she shimmied effortlessly down the drainpipe.
Hoisting his bag over his shoulder, he took one last look around his bedroom. Everything was cast in a bluish light. The curtains danced gently in the evening breeze, as if they were bidding him farewell.
“Goodbye,” he breathed, then climbed out of the window, leaving it open in his wake.
✨
He woke to small fingers around his shoulder. With a start, he opened his eyes and saw a thin button nose dusted with demerara freckles below wide hazel eyes shot through with forest green.
“You snore like a train whistle, you know,” Rey grinned.
He frowned and rubbed his eyes, sore from tiredness. “Sorry,” he supplied, still half-sure he was dreaming.
“Come on,” she said, standing up from her crouched position at his side and ruffling his hair affectionately, making his stomach twist. “I’ve got you a job.”
He winced as he sat up, muscles aching from the uncomfortable night dozing on a wooden pallet.
“What time is it?”
Rey shrugged. “Time to leave.”
“Leave?” he asked, confused.
“We’re going to the next town,” she explained. “There’s loads to do. I’ve told Wex you’re his extra pair of hands. It’s hard work - you’ll get dirty.”
The grounds had been quiet when they reached Jakku Square last night, but the dark silhouettes of circus tents loomed over them in the moonlight, ominous and imposing. The field lay adjacent to the railroad tracks, upon which was parked a huge cargo train, twenty carriages long, the sides of which were painted in what Ben could just make out to read ‘ Palpatine’s Neverland: The Greatest Show on Earth. ’
Rey had led him into one of the carriages, climbing up the ramp and murmuring, “We’ll stay here tonight.” She’d tossed him a scratchy blanket.
Despite his racing thoughts, Ben had fallen asleep the moment he’d laid down his head. Now, having pulled on a clean shirt, he followed Rey out into the dawn.
Neverland looked completely different in the light of day.
There were people everywhere. They were calling to one another, hoisting heavy planks of wood and giant sheets of red and white canvas. He could see in the distance that one of the circus tents had been collapsed, now lying limply on the grass as several roustabouts went about packing its component parts into bundles for transportation. The largest tent of all, the ‘big top’, was in the process of being felled; twenty or so people stood in a ring around the massive structure, each clinging to guy ropes thick as Ben’s arms.
As they strode across the field, Ben lagging behind, his gaze fell on a garishly decorated cage on wheels.
“Is that - a tiger ?” he spluttered, jogging to catch up with Rey, unable to take his eyes off the prowling creature.
She smirked, throwing the beast a cursory glance. “That’s Rancor. She’s a softie really.”
“It’s a tiger ,” he repeated.
“She’s got no teeth, Ben,” Rey grinned, elbowing him playfully in the arm.
Eventually, they reached a group of men who were carrying heavy-looking sacks across the field towards the train. “Wex!” Rey called, striding confidently up to a large man with dark hair and a beard. He turned to her, hands on his hips.
“This the kid?” he asked, raising an eyebrow at Ben. She nodded, coming to a stop before him and clapping Ben on the back. Wex surveyed him. “How old are you?”
At a prompting look from Rey, Ben answered in the surest voice he could, “Fourteen, sir.”
Wex nodded, eyeing him. “Big for your age.” He took a step forward. “Get back to your crew, kiddo. I’ll take the big guy from here.” He placed an arm around Ben’s shoulders and led him towards the other labourers.
✨
Ben was exhausted. His arms, legs, and core felt numb with strain. He’d worked through the pain, determined not to show weakness to the older men working alongside him. After Wex had dismissed him, he felt suddenly unsure and out of place. At least while he’d been labouring, he’d had something to focus on.
A pair of small fingers caught his bicep and he turned in surprise to find Rey smiling up at him. He breathed a sigh, grateful that she had found him.
“Hey, you,” she grinned. “How’d you get on?” Before he could answer, her hands darted forward and grabbed his own, pulling them towards her. He winced, the fresh blisters on his palms smarting sharply. She studied them. “Oh, dear. Your class is showing.”
He wrenched his hands back, holding them to his body. She ignored his annoyance, rolling her eyes and huffing out a laugh before linking her arm with his.
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to the others.”
Despite his previous irritation, a flair of nervousness curled in his stomach. He was about to meet her friends, Rey’s gang of ‘Lost Boys’ she’d mentioned the previous evening. Of course, it didn’t matter whether they liked him or not - he was used to not fitting in - but a small, secret part of him yearned to be accepted here, at the fringes of society.
Rey’s hand slid down to his wrist, clutching it as they mounted the train and made their way through each busy carriage. With a roar of engines and a thundering whistle, the train lurched forwards, gathering speed with each passing moment.
At length, they reached Rey’s cabin. There were five people inside, young teenagers if not children, all splayed lazily about the bunks. All activity paused as Rey entered the compartment, Ben at her back. He felt his cheeks flush crimson as ten eyes fell on him appraisingly.
“And where the hell have you been?” cried the only boy in the room.
“We thought you’d quit!” exclaimed one of the girls, her hair twisted into two buns on either side of her head. “You’re lucky Snoke’s hungover and didn’t bother with headcount this morning!”
Rey ignored them for the most part, waving a hand and explaining nonchalantly, “I went for a wander. Picked up a stray!” She buffeted his chest with the back of her free hand, but the other gave his wrist a little squeeze, like she was trying to reassure him.
Two girls with similar features, making Ben think that they must be sisters, tilted their heads at him. The smaller of the two asked, “You a street rat?”
The older one shook her head immediately. “Of course he isn’t - look at his clothes, Rose!”
Ben’s gaze darted to the boy on the other side of the room as he stood up and held out his hand.
“I’m Finn,” he said warmly.
He took it, shaking it firmly like his father had taught him. “Ben.”
“What brings you to the circus, Ben?” he asked, smiling in a casual manner that Ben was grateful for.
“He’s running away from school,” Rey said impressively.
Rose’s face fell and she asked in a rueful tone, “Wanna take my place and I’ll go to your school?”
“Gladly,” Ben replied.
“What can you do?” asked Finn. Ben stared at him, a little confused.
“He loaded up the train with Wex and the boys this morning. He’s strong,” Rey said. “But we’ll have to find him something a little more permanent.”
“Wait, so you’re not a performer?” asked the girl with the buns. “You’re not joining the troupe?”
“What troupe?” he asked slowly, feeling he was missing something. He saw Rey bite her lip before turning to him, looking a little embarrassed.
“Our troupe. The Lost Boys. We’re - an act,” she explained, her cheeks flushing.
“What kind of act?” he asked, unable to hide his curiosity.
“Trapeze, acrobatics, panto - the works!” answered Finn.
“Finn,” Rey said quickly, pulling Ben over to his bunk. “Do you have anything for these?” She tugged Ben’s hands forward, displaying his blistered palms.
“It’s fine,” he muttered mutinously, but Finn grimaced at the sight.
“Ouch. You were shifting tent frames, weren’t you?” he remarked, peering at Ben’s outstretched fingers. “Those poles are full of splinters. Sit down a second.” He patted the cot and reluctantly, Ben sat beside him.
Finn bathed and bandaged his palms while Rose picked his brain about school and the kinds of books he’d read. He hadn’t thought to bring any of his own, so when she offered to share hers, he thanked her in surprise.
As the hours passed and night fell, the others began to settle down, each snuggling into their respective cots. Rey slipped into her own covers, leaving Ben unsure what to do next. He stood awkwardly and said, “I’ll go find somewhere to sleep.”
Rey snorted. “Don’t be daft. There’s room in here.” She lifted the sheets, patting the bedroll. He swallowed uncomfortably.
“I don’t think that’s - I mean -”
“What?” she smiled broadly at him, and he realised she was teasing him again. He was surprised to find he didn’t mind. “Would it be improper? Give over and get in.”
Gritting his teeth, he moved towards the small cot. He lay on his back, poker straight, before she snorted again and tugged his arm. He resisted.
“It’ll be better this way, promise. Especially in the winter when it’s cold,” she informed him. When he hesitated, she whispered close to his ear, “Don’t be shy. Budge up.”
Begrudgingly, he shuffled onto his side, hearing the other occupants of the compartment sighing loudly at the fuss, and tucked his arm between his front and Rey’s back, knees bent behind hers.
“Comfy?” she asked, a snicker in her voice. He grunted awkwardly. “Night, Ben,” she whispered and then, everything went still, only the movement of the train rolling along beneath them.
When he stirred in the morning, surprisingly well rested, he found Rey tucked into his chest, clutching at his arms which he must have thoughtlessly thrown around her during the night. He couldn’t bring himself to remove them until they rose.