Archive of Our Own

Jisung needs to go home. The realization of it is so sudden, it wrenches him out of the zone of focus he'd just barely managed to lock himself into maybe fifteen minutes ago. He had been sitting here in the back of his favorite coffee shop for maybe four hours simply procrastinating writing these lyrics that he knows Chan needs by the end of the week. He hadn't been able to get them down for months, and the stress of the upcoming deadline had been eating away at him ever since the job had been assigned. Now, it wasn't like Jisung didn't want to do it. It was more that he physically could not.

Chan had given him the deadline and the instant his brain had heard that, it had went into panic mode and put a lock on all Jisung's creativity. So Jisung suffered the past two months in constant anxiety, fear, and frustration. Fear that he'd let Chan down by missing the deadline, frustration that he couldn't ever seem to write anything good when he did sit down and try, and anxiety at the fact that he knew that all his predictions would come true.

He just couldn't seem to regulate anything involving his emotions and creativity ever. His creativity came in really intense spurts of genius and then left him empty and drained for three to six months after that. So Jisung had finally taken time to go somewhere and sit down to get some work down. Even then, however, hed managed to find something to distract himself with that had snatched his attention and allowed him to procrastinate for another three and a half hours. Now on top of all those other emotions, Jisung felt disappointed in himself and a ashamed at his lack of work ethic.

Jisung admits that he might be a little bit of a perfectionist, so the fact that it had taken him this long to even start writing a song, rubbed him the wrong way. He knew he could do better, be better and the fact that he hadn't even made an effort to try had his skin itching and a headache pounding ast his temples. Though he realized that the reason for his headache could also be because he hadn't had anything to drink today other than milk with his Cheerios and some coffee.

Oh, and not only that, because of the frustration and anxiety that had filled every moment of the past two months, he'd been a huge asshole to everyone around him. That fact just made him insecure, guilt-ridden, and tearful. The amount of times he'd lashed out just this past week had him wanting slam his head against the table. The voice echoed out to him once again, you're better than this

Just yesterday, Jisung and his members had come home from a long trying day full of rehearsals, vocal lessons, and recordings and everyone had been extremely satisfied with their work and/or just extremely tired. Jisung had just been glad that it was all over and done with. Since he'd woken up that day, all he'd wanted to do was go back to bed, and forcing himself to do his work at all, not to mention well, had been a feat at best and a near fail at worst.

Changbin apparently hadn't felt the same, and wasn't nearly as tried as Jisung was. In fact, he was so excitable and energetic at the fact they were finally done, that he rivaled both Jeongin and Felix in volume. He had been bouncing around the car the whole ride home and Jisung had almost climbed out of his seat at one point to knock the man unconsious so that he could get at least five minutes peace. The even bigger annoyance was that no one else seemed to feel the same, the rest of the car entertaining Changbin's loud jokes and aegyo. Usually, Jisung would join in on the jokes, probably even going so far as to copy his aegyo, but instead Jisung sat with his hands pressed firmly in his lap and his jaw clenched so tight that his teeth hurt. Jisung regretted not packing his headphones as he'd considered earlier that morning the whole ride back.

By the time they all had set foot in the dorm that night, Jisung was ready to head into his room and knock out, but he still had his bed time routine. He had considered foregoing it, but if he woke up the next morning with a break out Jisung foresaw a possible hole in the wall and a very rude awakening for anyone who wasn't up yet. So he brushed he teeth, changed, and started his skin care routine. But, of course, as he reached for his facial soap Changbin had snatched it from him. Jisung felt something boil beneath his skin.

What ensued, Jisung has to say he was less than proud of, and as he sat at that table in the coffee shop about four other possible ways he could've handled the situation popped to the forefront of his mind. Jisung had bluntly demanded the bottle back and when Changbin attempted to take off with it Jisung and cuffed him over the ear, harsher than he meant to and snatched it back while Changbin stood there in a state of shock. And then, as regret immediately hit him, Jisung had pushed Changbin out of the bathroom and slammed the door instead of forcing the apology that hung limply at his lips out.

No apologies had been said that night and when Jisung had opened the bathroom door again, Changbin was gone. He didn't see him the rest of the night, but on his way back to his room he'd met Hyunjin's eyes and Jisung wanted to cry at the disappointment he saw there. Turns out, the whole thing had been pointless anyway, which only served ro make Jisung even more frustrated, because even then exhaustion that had made him so moody in the first place, couldn't defeat the newly found anxiety that had him staring up at the ceiling the rest of the night.

Jisung groaned out loud from his seat in the coffee shop at the memory. He hadn't seen Changbin earlier that morning either, so Jisung couldn't give his apology then either, and now the more he thought about it, the harder it got for him to try and keep the regretful tears pressing at the back of his eyes from rolling down his cheeks. The idea of crying in public had Jisung out of his chair and packing his things faster than he thought was possible on the three hours of sleep he had.

Jisung was out the door before he could get his arm through the second strap of his backpack. His destination was home, but as he thought about the current situation more and more, his anxiety only piled higher. So instead of going straight then right and then left twice for the next ten blocks or so towards the dorm, Jisung turned right and went straight.

He was headed to a nearby botanical garden that Seungmin had taken him to once when Jisung said he felt trapped both at the company and the dorm. That day had started off absolutely horrible for Jisung, but Seungmin had managed ro make it something great in the few hours they spent there. It was nothing grand really, small and not very popular so there was really no risk of getting recognized. It looked almost archaic, thick wooden beams holding up red pave d rooves, cobbled paths wandering through make shift fields of rare and strange flowers. Winding beneath drooping willows, around planters full of different kinds of bushes and cacti, and to a wooden bridge that arched over a clear and slow moving stream, clear and filled with koi and interesting floating plants that swayed almost as if pushed by wind and not water.

And the most interesting part, Jisung thought, was how it seemed to be both inside and outside at the same time. Different parts of the garden had different set ups. Where the bridge that arched over the stream was, had an incredibly tall wall with a half roof. Three tall trees grew there, a beautiful bright green plant clinging to their trunks and parts of the bridge. Two benches sat opposite each other under the looming trees, and that's where Seungmin had taken Jisung last time. They had sat down and stared quietly off into the sprawling garden for a bit before Seungmin had reached down and thumbed at one of the crawlers winding its way around the bench's leg.

"Do you know what this is?" The tone had been curious, and for a second Jisung thought Seungmin himself didn't know. So he had shaken his head and reached for his phone, but Seungmin had just smiled a little crooked, and lay a hand over Jisung's.

"It's a Hoya kerrii. They're native in Asia actually, mostly south-eastern countries though, not like the trees they hold to. Those grow in the west, and I think they're are a kind of cedar? But these succulents caught my eye because of the shape." Seungmin straightened up to let Jisung lean down, nearly across his lap, to look at them. They were shaped like little hearts, and Jisung couldn't help but stare with child-like wonder at them.

Seungmin continued as Jisung stared, "Not scientifically speaking, they're called Valentine plants, for obvious reasons, of course. And they thrive in climates like this; wet, shady, and a bit cool. That's why they put them next to the cedars. This whole garden is really just a publicly accessible science experiment."

Jisung sat back to lean against the arm of the bench opposite Seungmin and, in turn, Seungmin shifted to face him. Jisung was entranced with the way Seungmin's eyes had gained a tiny sparkle, and the way the pace he spoke at picked up. Jisung had never considered the fact that Seungmin might be into plants, but the passion behind his words had Jisung completely enthralled. Jisung was perfectly fine sitting under those trees and listening to him rant about all the plants he wanted, if only that look on Seungmin's face stayed all throughout.

"The trees are native to the north Atlantic coasts and these succulents are native to south-east Asia, the Philippines and stuff. They have similar climates yet they're so far apart, so the scientists must've been curious whether or not the pairing would work. And, well..."

Seungmin paused as if he realized how much he'd been speaking and, as he looked up at Jisung, a little bit this side of embarrassed and nervous, Jisung felt he had to show how engaged he truly was.

"It seems to be working, yeah?" Jisung had reached across the small space that separated them then, to softly hold Seungmin's hand. Jisung remembers exactly how delighted he'd been in the way Seungmin's face had flushed pink and the way his lips had curved into a tiny, shy grin. Seungmin had nodded then, quite happily, and Jisung felt something twist in his chest as if someone had taken his heart and twisted it like the handle of a tap until all those bottled up feelings poured out.

The rest of the memories of that day came flooding back; walking through the garden, urging Seungmin to tell him all he knew about the plants in the garden, getting food after and eating it while sitting outside the restaurant, and people-watching. When they'd gotten home that night Seungmin had asked him if he still felt trapped, and Jisung had realized joltingly, that he felt utterly fine. That was one of the only times in Jisung's young life, that he'd spent the night with Seungmin under said man's own invitation. They'd cuddled the whole night through, and Jisung still used it as bragging rights to this day. Oh yeah? I pulled Kim Seungmin, what have you done?

The resulting flow of emotion from the memories, had him hanging his head as he walked through the entrance of the garden. The plan had been to go to his and Seungmin's bench, but now as melancholy flooded his his body, he couldn't even look in the direction of the area without his breath stalling. He instead headed directly towards the section filled with several different types of flowers.

He took a seat there, on the hard cobblestone beneath the greenhouse-like canopy, music blasting in his head phones. It was IU, crooning something sad that Jisung probably shouldn't be listening to in his current state. But he did nonetheless, and spent the next couple hours staring off into the flowers and vines, lost in his own world. A mother and her son, a few old women, and a group of teens passed by during the time he sat there, making things a little awkward for the brief amount of time they were in sight.

Jisung must've dozed off at some point, because when he looked up from his lap where he'd been folding a thin petal into a cootie catcher, the sun was almost below the horizon, and the string lights that were practically invisible during the day had turned on. It bathed the path and plants in warm yellow light and Jisung couldn't help the way his eyes went wide at the sight. He managed to snap a few pictures of the scenes that caught his eye during the process of gathering his things.

The walk out feels more like a funeral march, especially when he looks at his phone's notifications and sees several missed calls and a few messages. He takes a moment stand off to the side of the path to look through his messages, far to scared to look at the missed calls, much less call back. He has a few messages from Chan about the song from earlier in the day, and then more from later asking where he is to which he replies 'omw home rn', even though he knows its been a few hours since he asked, and that Chan probably wants a call. Jisung feels guilty even as he types it, but the thinks he might break down sobbing if he even so much as hears his hyung's voice. The other messages are just Hyunjin and Felix asking the same thing Chan did, and then one very cryptic text from Minho that has anxiety spiking through his lungs and heart. All it says is 'Come home'.

He doesn't even bother replying to it, immediately speed walking out of the garden, taking the shortest route he knows on the winding path. He's almost out the door when his steps falter, and he comes upon a little kiosk filled with plants and succulents. It's stationed just to the side of the exit, and Jisung's eyes lock onto a tiny green-blue ceramic pot filled with tiny Hoya kerrii and a blank, pastel blue card. He walks up and buys one before rushing out the door. The anxiety that had been set aside when he saw the Hoya kerrii returning full force the second the money passed hands.

The walk home was a lot farther than Jisung remembers it being, and he's just lucky its Friday night and that the streets are normally busy, or the route home would be a lot scarier and a lot more dangerous. His legs are aching by the time he reaches their building, and his breath comes in clear puffs in the cold winter air. Jisung pushes open the door to the dorm building, wincing when he realizes that even the lobby is cold enough to have his breath puffing out in white clouds. Jisung realizes how rough he must look, when the man at the lobby counter gives him a look of pity, and he's suddenly a little scared at the thought of what he's going to be greeted with when he walks into his dorm.

He's so cold that his fingers have become stiff where he clutches the tiny potted plant close to his chest, his toes burning painfully in his boots as they start to warm up, and, if he has to guess, his eyebags probably have eyebags. Three hours of sleep isn't great, especially when the previous day you got about the same amount. He's just thankful the elevator is working again, because he knows he wouldn't have made it up the four sets of stairs he'd have to climb otherwise.

The elevator jerks to a stop, the slow slide of the doors somehow prompting his heart rate to speed up, and Jisung has to physically stop himself in front of their dorm door to prevent himself from hyperventilating a little bit. The bag hanging off his back suddenly feels as if its filled with weights, and Jisung fumbles with the keys for a moment before he finds the right one. He's about to slot it through the lock, when the door unlocks and jerks open.

Jisung can see past the figure standing in the doorway and realizes with sudden clarity that its dark inside except a faint light. He has the vague thought that it might've taken him a lot longer to get home than he judged, if the lights are out. Usually, even if only one person is still up, the lights stay on. There's a sense of dread that settles in his tummy when he connects the dots; his members are probably worried sick. That feeling is absolutely nothing, compared to what he feels when he takes stock of exactly who stands in front of him, dressed in a big coat with rain boots squeezed over his pyjamas. Keys jangle in the figures hand and there's a brief look of shock that flits across his face, before it settles into something lethal.

"Oh, I was just about to go out looking for you. Inside." It's Minho. Because of course, it's Minho. Chan had been extremely stressed recently, and no one else probably had the patience to deal with him at the moment, certainly not his other two hyungs. One who he'd insulted and slapped the night previous, and the other who had been the emotional support for said slapped hyung.

Jisung hurries inside under the fire-y scrutiny of Minho's eyes. There is some quiet shuffling as Minho toes off his shoes and shrugs off his jacket; Jisung stands awkwardly beside him, waiting for more instructions. Minho doesn't yell, doesn't even berate him, but instead holds out his hands for Jisung's bag and the plant. They get passed over willingly and without a word between them. Minho turns and leads them both into the kitchen. He drops Jisung's bag off on the cushion of a lone chair, and delicately sets the Hoya kerrii down at the center of the table. He turns to face Jisung once he's done and begins to speak.

"Go put on your pyjamas and get something to eat, I'm assuming you haven't dinner yet? " Minho pauses to let Jisung respond. A timid nod is the only thing he can manage. Minho continues, "I'm going to take the shower that I've been wanting to since eight-" Jisung grimaces, "-and then, we're going to have a talk when I get out, alright?"

Part of Jisung wants to pout and stamp his feet and say no, like a child, but he just nods instead, refusing eye contact. Minho merely sighs, and it sounds exhausted, "Go on, then." Jisung turns away, hurrying from Minho, desperate to escape the thick atmosphere and the disappointment that lingers in his eyes. He's already prepping his apologies before he can even reach the handle of the door to his and Minho's shared room.

The only light available, as Jisung pulls on his most comfy set of pj's, streams from Minho's bedside table where his cute Gudetama themed lamp sits. On good days, the sight of the cartoon egg yolk sticking it's ass out is enough to make Jisung giggle, but now all it does is make him scowl at the absurdity of it. He pulls his clothes on faster in an attempt to escape the room before he does something stupid like take his anger out on Minho's lamp.

When Jisung finally does exit the room, the bathroom door is opened the tiniest bit, just enough that Jisung feels the steam from Minho's shower blow across his face as he passes. He brushes the thought of Minho away almost as soon as it enters his mind, for fear of it ruining what little appetite he had amassed. Even flicking the light on seems too much of a bother in his anxious state, so he simply uses the light of the moon as he scours the fridge fruitlessly, only ending up settling on boxed ramen. He tiredly plops himself down in a pool of light the moon has formed at the table to wait while the noodles soak in the hot water. But anticipation has him out of his seat not two seconds later, extremely restless and jittery over the interaction he and Minho are about to have. He starts pacing about the kitchen picking up things just to set them down without actually looking, toying with his ramen bowl, and wringing his hands together so harshly they start to burn and turn red.

He doesn't even get to start his ramen by the time he hears the bathroom door creak open. This time, when his breathing picks up, he can't control it and he feels tears spring to his eyes. He doesn't want to do this right now. He wants to go to bed and curl up beneath the covers and never come out out again. Or better yet, to bury himself into Minho's chest and not be scared of rejection or what the older man thinks of him. He suspects the whole situation only hurts this much because it is Minho.

Minho has been special to Jisung from literally the instant he met him. The older man was his friend, his other half and his soulmate, and...veritably his crush as well. He values everything Minho has to say, respects him and his views and cares immensely about what Minho thinks of him. The idea that Minho is upset with him, even the tiniest bit, has Jisung curling in on himself. Now Jisung isn't naive enough to not realize that there's probably something to be addressed in the way he craves that approval, but all he can focus on, at the moment, is how to fix something he isn't even sure he has broken yet.

Jisung wants things to go back to normal, he wishes he wasn't so incompetent and actually got those goddamn lyrics down, so none of this happened in the first place. He sinks to the floor in the middle of the kitchen, crouching on the balls of his feet with his arms wrapped around his middle, trying desperately to regulate his breathing and get it under control before Minho sees him. Except the idea of another deadline, no matter how small, just sets off more panic in his mind. So Minho finds him like that, hyperventilating in the middle of the kitchen floor with tears streaming down his cheeks and his hands tugging ruthlessly at his hair.

He hears Minho mutter out an angry 'shit!' before he approaches Jisung's crouched form. And at the pace his mind is moving at, and with the way his thoughts are driving themselves into his conscious like this, Jisung can't help but think the anger in Minho's expletive was directed at him. Jisung feels such strong panic at the notion that he might've upset Minho again, that he rushes to remedy the situation anyway he can. Jisung starts to stutter out apologies in gasped breaths, trying to convey his regret for every thing at once; for hyperventilating, keeping Minho up, being rude the past couple months, slapping Changbin, worrying everyone. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Over and over again, choked out between gasping breaths.

"H-hyung," Jisung is so frantic he can't even bring himself to cringe at how broken the word sounds, " I'm sorry for worrying you a-and Chan hyung. I promise I di-dn't mean t-to, I'll be b-better hyung. I promise, I promise I'll try harder. M' so sorry, I'm so-sorry for hurting Changbin hyung too, 'nd for making you mad I- please don't be mad at m' 'yung. 'Ts just been so much, I can't- can't do it, I try! I r-really d-do but it's jus' h-hard!"

By the end his words are so slurred and his sentences are so messy he wonders if Minho can even understand him at all. And there's a second where Jisung fears he might have to say it all over again and face the mortification of another tearful apology, but Minho erases the thought with a soft hum. He's been knelt next to Jisung's quivering form ever since he'd begun his frantic spiel, but he hadn't touched him yet, as if he was waiting for permission. Jisung lifts his head, tears still falling and cheeks still wet, from where he'd dropped it between he knees and tentatively meets his hyung's eyes.

The eye contact is so intense it almost bowls Jisung over. Minho's eyes are locked onto his, something in his gaze both sharp and empathetic, and Jisung fucking whimpers at it. Minho's gaze softens at that, and he cautiously reaches out a gentle hand to Jisung's shoulder. When Jisung can't bring himself to shy away, getting lost in the warmth of his hands, Minho relaxes into it. He begins to rub firm and soothing circles in a line from the top of his shoulder, over his shoulder blade, and to the middle of his back. Jisung takes in the rest of Minho then too, his hair is damp, shirtless with warm red-tinted skin, showing just how satisfying his shower must've been. With the way Minho looks right now, if Jisung wasn't already reduced to incoherence due to his mental state, he was sure that he'd be having a hard time making sentences, or even breathing properly, period. But in his current state be honestly barely glances over the sight, and rather focuses on the feeling of Minho's hand on his back.

The sincerity and tenderness in the action, just has adverse effects, and another wave of sobs wrack Jisung's body. This time, in a state where he has a bit more clarity, he does feel a little humiliation. Jisung feels he just has to rip his stare away from Minho's, under some delusion that--if they don't meet eyes--he can save his dignity. But he does it just a second too late and catches how his hyung's eyes blow wide shock, and something like regret, at the second batch of tears. Jisung knows he identified the correct emotions when Minho speaks, and sorrow colors every word.

"I'm not mad, Jisung, jesus baby. I'm not mad, not at you. I was angry at myself for leaving you with such little warning, sweetheart. I didn't think that you felt this way, but I should've explained how I-"

Jisung chokes on another sob at the soft tone of Minho's voice, partially from relief and partially from the residual fear and anxiety. The rush of emotion has Jisung coughing on another painful cry, and collapsing out of his precarious position to his knees. It was getting painful just breathing at this point, his throat rubbed raw from crying with such force.

"Oh, baby, come here." Minho holds his arms open fully joining Jisung on the floor, his own legs spread to let Jisung slide between them to press into his chest. Jisung nearly leaps at the opportunity, and almost bowls Minho over with the strength of it. The position is uncomfortable and does almost nothing to alleviate the suffocating feeling in his chest. Jisung just sobs again helplessly, far too overwhelmed and overstimulated to relay what he feels to Minho.

Minho shifts as if he understands anyway, and tugs Jisung farther up his outstretched legs, so that he's sandwiched between their kitchen cabinets and the firm line of Jisung's shaking form. Jisung is straddling his lap in this position, and its far more comfortable like this, but Jisung just can't bring himself to relax, tears still streaming and little hiccups disrupting any attempt to settle down. It's then that Minho wraps one arm around his middle to grip his hip, and presses his other hand between Jisung's shoulder blades. This way it feels as if he and Minho are wrapped around each other completely, and Jisung let's loose a breath that has goosebumps breaking out across the back of Minho's neck. He ignored them and nuzzles further into the crook of it.

"Relax Jisungie," Minho breathes into Jisung's hair, "I'm here, and I'm not going anywhere. Hyung has you, baby. Let go."

And just like that he crumbles; loose and relaxed into the open palms of his hands, into the circle of his arms. Something in his chest tears at the feeling of letting himself go so wholly. Letting the tears fall from his cheeks in a torrent of rain burdened with the cloying flavor of months and months worth of repressed fear and anger and frustration. He lets go and Minho catches him, and that only invites more tears to his eyes that end up falling and streaking the bare, pale skin of Minho's shoulder like comets across a twilight sky. Minho's only response, are gentle whispers of reassurance that fall into the depths of his hair where Minho has pressed his lips to the crown of his head.

He doesn't know how long the deluge continues, can't bring himself to care. Not when he feels like this, not when the warmth of Minho's body against his evokes a sense of safety that Jisung doesn't think he's felt since he was a small child. Jisung almost wishes he could give back the feeling to the man holding him even as his tears still fall, because he can't even begin to put into words how much it means to him, especially after what happened tonight, that Minho has given him this feeling.

It goes beyond words, beyond Jisung's perception of reality, even beyond feeling. It lives somewhere in his soul, locked so incredibly deep inside his own heart that even Jisung struggles to reach it. So all he does is tighten his arms around the man pull him flush to his body. Wraps him up in his own arms in an attempt to return the feeling simply through the pressure of the hug.

The moonlight pours through the open window of their tiny kitchen, and Jisung can't even begin to relay how beautiful it makes Minho look, when he finally loosens his hold enough to glance up at the other man. Minho has tears glistening in the corner of his own eyes as well, that haven't fallen. Proof that they are more a product of empathy than his own original emotion.

Jisung wants to feel bad for making Minho take care of him but the soft smile Minho gives him robs Jisung of the thought and his breath. The moonlight bounces off of his smile too, and lights up the otherwise dark room with the glow of it. Like this, Jisung can see the droplets of water on Minho's collarbones, that were left behind from moments before when Jisung had been crying. They glitter like constellations on Minho's chest, and Jisung can even see the tracks a few had made that stop at the edge of Minho's pink sweat pants.

Their arms are still locked around each other in the kind of embrace that feels almost too desperate for the dark, and calm atmosphere of the dorms kitchen. And the look in Minho's eyes is even more foreign than that. Even so, Jisung knows what it means; recognizes it in Hyunjin's eyes when he looks at Jeongin, recognizes it on Chan's face when he looks at all of them, knows the emotion in it stains Jisung's words when he speaks to Minho, and his lyrics when he writes about his members.

But he had never been on the receiving end of it. Not like this. Never has anyone looked at him with it held in their gaze, he'd never had it aimed his way while wrapped up in that very person. It's raw. I'ts almost like it burns every where Minho's eyes scour his form. He wants more of it. He wonders if its in his own eyes right now too. Minho moves his hands to cup his cheek and to palm the back of his neck. Their lips are close and yet so far and suddenly all Jisung wants is to kiss him. The thought isn't as astounding as it should be. He doesn't recoil from it now, like he does when it comes to mind every other time.

Instead he embraces it, pulls Minho tighter, until he can feel the man's heart thumping in his chest through the fabric of his shirt and the skin stretched over Minho's muscles. Their heartbeats seem to sync up then, and he knows that Minho can feel his as well. The feeling is overwhelming and Jisung whimpers out another sob. Minho makes a noise almost choked, as he sees tears well up in Jisung's eyes again, and jolts forward to press a vicious kiss to his lips.

Jisung couldn't stop the gasp that he pants out against Minho's lips if he tried. Their eyes squeeze shut. Minho feels Jisung's tears fall against his own cheeks, shifting closer, as if he can absorb his pain if he squeezes just close enough. The motion is enough to shock Jisung further into reality, and he's kissing back before he even really registers it. The kiss ends sooner than Jisung would like, but he realizes that if the kiss was meant to help stop Jisung's tears, it worked. His hands still shake but his sobs have been reduced to little hiccups.

They stare at each other for a second before Jisung huffs out a hoarse laugh, that sounds more like the sound of sandpaper on sandpaper.

"Well, that wasn't the kind of scolding I was expecting, but I'm not necessarily mad about the outcome-"

"Oh my god, remind me why I like you?"

Like?! Jisung attempts to hide the tired, but giddy grin that tries to force it's way onto his face, and probably failed if the bored look Minho gives him is something to go by. The expression drops slowly, and suddenly the anxious feeling is back in Jisung's tummy. Minho's hands move to Jisung's hips gently thumbing over them in an attempt to calm him down.

"I was being honest when I said I wasn't mad at you, Jisung. None of us really are, Changbin might be a little hurt, and I know that all of us were significantly worried, but we aren't mad at you. We were just scared okay?"

Jisung nodded, casting his eyes down and pulling his arms into his lap to tug his pyjama sleeves down into little 'paws'.

"...So do you wanna tell me what's been going on?" Minho arches a brow at Jisung's surprised look, "What, you think I haven't noticed something going on the past month or so? I was waiting for you to come to me, like usual. What was different this time, Sung? Why didn't you come to me?"

Jisung huffs out a breath, "I dunno... I guess, maybe I didn't want to worry anyone? Or...or maybe, actually I- I think I wanted to do something on my own for once. I always need help with everything, its about time I grew up and learned to do stuff on my own."

Minho simply hums and wrapped his arms tighter around Jisung's waist. Jisung shut his eyes and laid his head back on Minho's shoulder still toying with his sleeves.

"Its just- when Chan hyung told me he needed these songs, and gave me that deadline I was really excited and eager... I wanted to make those songs and then show him and Changbin hyung, and I wanted to make them really proud, but I just couldn't ever get it done. At first, like in the first month, when I had a lot of time I was really motivated but I just couldn't bring myself to sit down and get it done. And even if I felt like I could get it done...or that I was really inspired, I didn't feel like it'd be any good. Then when this month rolled around I just couldn't work up the energy to even try. I was constantly exhausted and just thinking about doing it and the coming deadline made me so anxious. I just- ugh, am I making sense?"

Minho nodded, pressing soft kiss to his temple, "I think I understand, Jisung. But I want to say one thing: just because you have a hard time managing your time and you have some anxiety, doesn't mean that you are childish. I understand how hard it is, trust me, babe. I know its not easy, but that's what I'm here for. What we're here for. At times when you feel like this you can come to me or any of the other members if you prefer, and we'll do our best to help you out okay? It just sounds like you were overworked is all, baby. You just needed some alone time and a couple free days. But I don't, and no one else in this dorm, thinks you are childish or lazy or anything of the sort. And, only if you want, we can talk to Chan hyung and the managers about letting up a day or two on your schedule."

Jisung physically relaxes at that, slumping into Minho's shoulder further, "That sounds nice," it came out as a tired murmur.

Jisung felt Minho let out a relieved breath into his hair, "Okay, baby I'll talk with Channie hyung about tomorrow, but I think it's high time for bed, yeah? One in the morning is far past my bedtime."

Jisung groaned as he peeled himself away from Minho, with no small amount of discontent, "Oh, fuck, don't we have a schedule tomorrow too?"

Minho laughed somewhat cynically, following Jisung's example and standing up, "You better be grateful, brat, I fucked up my tailbone sitting on that hard ass floor for forty-five minutes," he continued, as they made their way down the hall to their room, "And you're hilarious if you think you're gonna get off with only a talking to from me. Chan cancelled everything except his morning meeting tomorrow, so we can have a group conversation about this."

Jisung closed the door and turned around to stare at Minho with wide eyes, "What?! Oh, my god, he's gonna kill me." Jisung flopped down face first on Minho's mattress. Minho just rolled his eyes and shoved Jisung over so he could crawl into bed with him.

"Please, Chan hyung is such a softie, he couldn't punish you brats properly if his life depended on it. Also, get your ass under the covers you're creating drafts and it's far too cold for that shit."

Jisung scrambled under the covers, quickly cuddling up to Minho, head on his chest and legs tangled with Minho's. They were silent for a bit and, as Jisung was starting to drift off, he spoke again.

"...I was being honest, too, hyung. When I said I was sorry for worrying you, I mean? I understand that must've been scary and frustrating. I'll get better, promise."

"Thank you, baby. Now go to sleep, we have a lot to talk about tomorrow." Minho sounded fond, despite the bluntness of the words. Jisung hummed happily and fell asleep, bathing in the residual warmth the word 'baby' left him with.

--

The next morning Jisung woke up to an empty bed, a faceful of pillow, and a less than happy Hyunjin.

"What the fuck, Han Jisung?!"

"What do you mean 'what the fuck'?! I should be asking you that! Is that anyway to wake up a frien...d?" Jisung trailed off as his vision finally cleared up, the sleepiness slipping away to show the way Hyunjin's lips trembled.

"Hyun hyung..." Jisung said softer, as he adjusted so that he was sitting up, his legs dangling off of Minho's bed, "Oh, I'm sorry, hyung, come here."

Hyunjin scoffed at him through a sniffle, but nonetheless fell, and Jisung means literally fell, into his open arms. The noise Jisung made was significantly undignified and hoarse, but he allowed Hyunjin to bowl them over backwards, onto the mattress. Hyunjin laid there for a few beats, squishing is maknae underneath his body in a vicious hug--Jisung sensed it was some kind of Hyunjin-style punishment.

Hyunjin pulled away after a fairly short time, yanking Jisung to stand with him. The younger man went easily, flopping forward into Hyunjin's chest and hugging him. The hug was easily accepted, both of them relaxing into each other.

"...I'm sorry for hitting you with the pillow, but also not really. I was worried about you." Hyunjin whispered into the hug.

"I know, I'm really sorry, hyung. I just... I wasn't feeling good, but next time I'll try to talk it out instead of doing...that." Jisung felt guilt coil in his gut and around his insides like a snake, not being able to help the feeling of shame at the fact he didn't handle the situation differently.

Hyunjin pulled away, holding Jisung firmly by his shoulders, "It's not bad to take time for yourself, Jisung, so don't feel guilty for it, next time just tell one of us. Text us or something. We all trust you to take care of yourself, but we can't help but worry when you just disappear like that."

Jisung stared into Hyunjin's eyes, feeling as if the man was peeling back each and every one of his layers and analyzing what was underneath. There was a sort of seriousness held within his eyes, that had Jisung fidgeting where he stood and turning pink. Hyunjin seemed to realize he was making Jisung a little uncomfortable, and stepped away with a gentle close-lipped smile.

"I'll let you alone now, but just know I'm not disappointed in you or anything, Jisungie. I just got scared for you, okay?" Jisung felt relief at the words. He hadn't even realized that he'd been scared of his hyung's disappointment, but the reassurance had Jisung feeling as a if an entire mountain had been lifted off his shoulders. Hyunjin slipped away then, pulling the door shut gently behind him.

He stared at the door for a while, after Hyunjin shut it, pondering on how both Hyunjin and Minho read him so well all the time. Minho never even had to hear Jisung speak to know what he wanted or needed, and Hyunjin seemed to always be able to read into Jisung's words and pull the truth from them even when even Jisung didn't know it. Now that he thought about it, all of his members seemed to know what he needed whenever he was struggling. Jisung thought back to the day he and Seungmin had gone to the garden, how all he'd needed ro tell the man was that he felt trapped. They'd gone out and come back and Jisung had felt wonderful after.

The same warmth he felt that day settled with him now, as he stared at the place where Hyunjin had been just moments previous. Jisung shook the thoughts away, moving quickly to get dressed and blinking away the feeling of tears. He swallowed hard against the lump in his throat and decided he could address the feeling later while snatching some clothes from his drawer. Maybe a shower would put him in the right midset to analyze what the hell was happening.

The shower didn't really help his mindset, only serving to confuse him further on that particular subject, but he exited it feeling refreshed and happy. There was something in the air today he decided, while brushing his teeth. There was no reason he should feel this hopeful, especially he recalled, when he still had to talk to Chan.

Jisung left the bathroom, a little more cautious now that the thought of Chan was at the forefront of his brain. He entered the living room, four pairs of eyes rising to meet his and Jisung gave a little grimace by way of greeting. Seungmin, Felix, and I.N. were sitting on the couch. Hyunjin sat on the floor between Felix's legs who was essentially wound, around the taller man, his back bent to watch whatever Hyunjin had on his phone. He met each of the three maknaes eyes and held them as he began to speak.

"Hi?" Jisung asked the couch, before shuffling forward and taking a seat on the arm rest farthest from the four, "I just wanted to say sorry," he had to force the words out past the feeling of shame, "I really shouldn't have disappeared like that yesterday, I didn't mean to worry anyone or anything..." Jisung picked at a wayward string hanging off the seam of his pants, finally casting his eyes down now that he was finished.

"It's okay, hyung." It was Felix, who spoke so simply, "I understand you probably weren't having a very good day...bur you're here now though, right? And you're okay and stuff so... I'm okay. Thank you for apologizing." Felix smiled wide after that, nearly blinding Jisung with the genuineness of it. I.N. nodded along adding a small 'You're good, hyung'.

Jisung then turned his gaze to Seungmin, only to see him shrug, "I would appreciate a warning or something next time maybe, but its okay, hyung. I'm not mad." Jisung didn't miss the way Seungmin swallowed thickly, and couldn't hold his eyes, pouting just the littlest bit.

Jisung nodded still looking at him, "Can I have a hug then? Just to make up for it?" The look Seungmin gave him was one of feigned disgust, before he stood with a sigh and closed the distance for a hug.

Jisung met him halfway, holding him gently and rubbing little circles into his back. Seungmin was still tense, so Jisung just pulled him tighter, knowing Jisung's disappearance effected him more than he was willing to let on. The others had glanced away a while ago, giving the two some semblance of privacy but even so, when Jisung began to speak, he used the lowest tone he could manage.

"I'm so sorry Seungminnie, I know how worried you get when one of us just disappears like that. I'll be better, okay? I love you."

Seungmin went completely rigid at that, maybe not having expected Jisung to read his feelings so clearly, before he clutched Jisung so tight to him that the older boy wheezed. Jisung chuckled softly at the motion, pressing Seungmin's head to his shoulder and leaving gentle kisses across his cheekbone and temples and the crown of head. They stayed that way for a few minutes, Jisung eventually taking to rocking his maknae back and forth like one would a small child. Seungmin didn't seem to mind it, and he only parted from the embrace after whispering out a small 'thank you, hyung...love you too'.

Jisung smiled affectionately, as Seungmin retreated back to his spot on the couch, feeling his heart swell, and made his way from the living room to the kitchen. (Only after having ruffled Jeongin's hair, and kissing Felix on the cheek, of course).

When he entered the kitchen, the only person he saw inside was Changbin and, had full-fledged panic not immediately rendered him immobile and completely mute, he might've had half the mind to ask where Minho and Chan were. Except such things did happen, and it had him taking a step back to turn around and run to the living room like a coward. Only, Changbin had already seen him, and simply motioned for him to sit at the table as he took the last of the eggs off the pan.

This was not how things where supposed to go, Jisung's head spun. What was supposed to happen, was that Changbin was supposed to be working out at this time, and during then, Jisung was going to gather himself and his apology, write something cute on the card that came with the Hoya kerrii, and then give it to Changbin. It was going to be sincere, well-planned and tear-free. But apparently life had other plans. So Jisung trudged to the table and sat down with the feeling of impending doom looming over his head like a rain cloud.

As he sat down, he could hear the echoes of the maknaes and Hyunjin's laughter from the living room, and the faint sizzle from the pan as Changbin turned off the flame and pushed it off the burner. Jisung watched anxiously while he took the plate of eggs and set it on the table between Jisung and the Hoya kerrii that just stared at Jisung mockingly. Changbin sat opposite Jisung and set his hands on the table, taking a deep breath before speaking.

"...I'm sorry, Jisung. I'm sorry for being so...annoying the other night, and I-" Jisung snapped his head up to stare at Changbin, eyes open so wide he assumed he probably looked like one of those cheap toys that eyes' popped out when you squished them.

"Woah, woah. Hold on. What?" He couldn't help the incredulous laugh that came out, "I...I should be the one apologizing! I didn't- I slapped you??? And I was gonna apologize, I had it planned out and everything! I was gonna get my apology all ready when you were working out this morning and then- " Jisung stuttered motioning to the plant on the table and pushed the plate of eggs in front of him over the the side a little, "Then I was gonna give you this plant and write something on the card and explain the stuff Seungmin told me about it and... Hyung, I slapped you?!"

During his rant, he hadn't heard the front door open, nor Chan or Minho hang up their coats and take off their shoes. They entered the kitchen only to see Jisung standing up at the kitchen table looking shocked and Changbin staring up at him, fond and amused.

"It didn't even hurt, Han-ah, it shocked me sure, but it didn't hurt or anything. I was a little wounded, but that was only cause my pride was hurt. I saw how discouraged and sad you looked, and I only wanted to cheer you up, but...the way I went about might've been a little stupid seeing the mood you were in..."

The pout on Jisung's face was adorable, and Changbin had to physically restrain himself by clenching his hands in his lap to prevent himself from poking Jisung's cute, puffy cheekies. Jisung plopped back down in his chair folding his arms petulantly, " 'M still sorry."

Changbin raised his eyebrow in defiance, "Well, I am too, so..."

Chan shook his head in disbelief, and decided it was time to step in, "We really can't leave you two to do anything without getting in a disagreement can we?"

Jisung turned around, his frown only deepening, "He was the one who ruined my plans! I had my apology all planned out! It was gonna be great, I even got him a plant!"

"Yah! I had mine planned too! Why do you think I made you breakfast?!" Changbin whined.

Chan just rolled his eyes and sat down next to Jisung squeezing into the space between him and the wall pulling the boy into a side hug, "How responsible of you, both." Chan rubbed Jisung's arm to take away from the jokingly dismissive words. Jisung just let Chan tug him against his side and huffed. Minho took a seat beside Changbin, sending the man beside him a look that said quite clearly 'I told you so'.

"Anyway, Bin, Chan hyung, and I talked about your schedule earlier today, we figured maybe it'd be good to take two whole days off instead of one? If that's okay with you? Wednesdays and Sundays, one day in the middle of the week and one at the end?"

Jisung's heart thumped in his chest at the thought that all of them had sat down just to talk about how to help him, to talk about ways to make sure that Jisung never felt again, like he did these past few months. A shy smile breaks across his face, "Uh, yeah, no. That...that sounds good, great, actually. But...I- Is that not a little unfair? " his voice gets small at the end, "I mean if I have more breaks than you guys, doesn't that just make things easier for me? I mean we all struggle but-"

"No," Chan's tone leaves no room for speculation, "We're giving you the space you need to work and do your best Jisung. You work just as hard as the rest of us, maybe even harder, just to get the work you need to get done. And if you think that more time is what will help you feel better and work better; if that's what you think is going to make you happier? Then its worth trying out. We're just giving you the tools and resources you need, Sung. That doesn't mean taking more breaks, and more time makes you any less of a hard worker or a good person. And sure as hell doesn't mean you struggle any less, okay?"

Chan sounded vehement on every word, staring into Jisung's eyes the whole time, like he wanted to pound each and every word into his brain. Jisung just stared back, somewhat shocked and somewhat impressed. All he managed was a soft 'okay'. Before he turned and gave his hyung such a fierce hug it had Chan shooting out an arm behind himself to try and balance them both.

And as Jisung climbed to straddle Chan's lap, he heard Minho and Changbin's laughter in the background. Chan whispered gently into the crook of his neck, once Jisung got settled.

"You always work so hard Jisungie, and we see it, baby. And I'll always be willing to try and make sure that smile never leaves your face even if it means completely switching up the way we do things. We all are willing to, because we love you, Han Jisung."

Jisung sniffled into the warmth of Chan's shirt, hearing the noise get louder as everyone from the living room entered the kitchen. Jisung pulled away to flop back down in his seat, hanging his head and rubbing at his runny nose. Minho leaned across the table, coming gently, to pass Jisung a few tissues. And as he drew close enough to give Jisung them, he whispered. The words were just quiet enough, so only the two of them could hear.

"And don't you ever forget that we do...but I'm still first in line."