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The Toy Soldier had a whole new dynamic to have fun with. There was a limited amount of time before its friends told its new friend, Lyfrassir Edda (perhaps still Inspector Second Class?) of its most common tricks. Before that time occurred, it would have to fit in as many as possible. The first one, of course, would be encasing all of their food in gelatin. It was hard to find gelatin if you were not Toy Soldier, it was told, but gelatin was all around it!
You just had to know where to look. And it knew! So it sang happily in the kitchen, enjoying the voice of the Angel, as it slowly poured gelatin over Lyfrassir’s tea set, and pancakes, and cupcakes. It delicately layered in bananas, and shrimp, and small pieces of apples, just like it had learned so long ago. Gelatin recipes were Very Important when you were part of the British Upper Class, after all! It showed off how wealthy you were! And that you could chill the gelatin, and set the gelatin. Of course, it had access to all the refrigerators it could ever want, now, but that wasn’t the Point! The Point was to see if Lyfrassir would believe that it was giving him riches!
Yes, arguably it still had to make up for the rather large social blunder of not immediately shooting Odin upon sight, but that was the sort of thing that took soirees, and delicate overtures, and was a long and intricate dance. This had to happen now! Before Marius, or, perhaps, Jonny, told Lyfrassir anything. It was quite certain that Ivy would wait to see how they reacted, and Raphaella would forget, and everyone else just didn’t care.
As it slid the gelatin into the fridge, it considered what else it could do. Its predilection for the subtle horror of teeth was already out in the open, but there were still many options open for how it could use them. The pulp, and enamel, and the delicate roots. Lyfrassir had only seen the most basic of their uses. There was so much that could be done with teeth besides intricate eldritch rituals, which Odin did not seem to appreciate! But she was dead, so it would never be able to teach anything properly.
Still, maybe if it asked the Crawling Chaos nicely it could get some help from cer! That seemed to be an entity that could really appreciate subtle pieces of horror, aligning yourself just one inch off of what was expected and watching people squirm trying to decide if they should mention anything. Toy Soldier made a mental note to leave out some ketchup and chocolate milk for em, since that was what it had noticed xer drinking while not quite pretending to be Marius! (Ce hadn’t done a very good job of it, but apparently that ‘wasn’t the point, thanks, I don’t need tips’, and Toy Soldier knew when its advice wasn’t wanted.)
It had gotten off track! It needed to decide on the next thing to do! It wondered if Lyfrassir had ever had a proper high tea. That seemed unlikely, to it, but you never knew. Besides, enough cultures had high teas that it would be unlikely to find anything good there. Perhaps it could bring in some wallpaper. If it remembered correctly, New Midgardians could see colors just like the people on Tim’s Earth used to think Shrimp could! Lyfrassir could look an awful lot like a shrimp, nowadays! It wondered if Lyfrassir’s vision changed at all when he changed. That could be an amazing prank!
It left the gelatin to set, and set out to its workshop. It had wallpaper to paint, now! In the most wondrous patterns. It took care to select a particular blue, soft to the human eye, but, it checked, ever so slightly glaring to the eye of Lyfrassir. And it was hard to borrow eyes without him realizing! Once the color had been selected (it needed to hold the tea, soon, Lyfrassir was beginning to wonder where the tea set was, and it did appreciate that they wanted the set back, it really did,) it was time to begin the patterns, in a soft kelp-green, relaxing, but that then began to twine together in subtle loops and symbols, bulging here and there, drooping here, disappearing into nothingness there, so that any attempt to follow the soothing pattern would be quite a failure! It smiled happily as it painted, making a whole roll of wallpaper, and scattered little creatures through the kelp, pulling them through the ether to it, letting Chaos guide its hand. When it was done, it thought that this would make a wonderful housewarming gift for Lyfrassir!
After all, they were some sort of eldritch entity, now! Who wouldn’t appreciate a little chaos, confusion, and mystery in their life? Well, Jonny, and Tim, and Brian, and Ashes, but Ivy enjoyed it, and so did Raphaella, and Marius might come to enjoy it, now! Nastya and Aurora, though, they were very Into regimented and mechanical life and, well, it took all sorts, didn’t it! Toy Soldier didn’t Judge! It wasn’t the Toy Judge, after all! It was a funny old galaxy, but it ticked right along, and so Toy Soldier assumed everything was going more or less alright.
It didn’t have a third gift planned, but it supposed it was still time to start presenting! Maybe a third gift would come to it. Sometimes, things worked out! And if not, it would just keep a stiff upper lip (which reminded it, it needed to get some more hardwood, as its upper lip was getting a bit soft, and that wouldn’t do).
“Lyfrassir! How have you been doing, old chap?”
“Doing quite well, thanks. How are you enjoying judicious use of capitals?”
The Toy Soldier grinned wider.
“I’m enjoying it Quite a Lot! It allows for extra Emphasis! Remind me to throw a Lovely party for you and the Black Wind!”
“I can do that.” Lyfrassir smiled at it. Toy Soldier liked Lyfrassir. His smiles never felt fake, or at least hadn’t yet. Or at least, not when directed at it. “Did you want something?”
“Oh, I want many things! Right now, I would like to invite you to tea! I’ve prepared wonderful delicacies!”
“Are these... edible delicacies? By me, I mean.”
“Oh, yes! I followed the recipe that I was taught Long Ago!” With the addition of the tea set, and the pancakes, and cupcakes. But Gelatin, that Wondrous Invention, would have kept everything fresh. It loved Gelatin. “Please come?”
“I’m afraid I’ve lost my tea set, Toy Soldier,” he apologized. “I don’t know, maybe the octokittens took it? Marius does seem to love to blame everything on them. Anarchy wobbled very innocently, though.” They shrugged. “I can get a new one.”
“Oh, I Found it! We can use your cups for this!” Its smile crept off of its face, it was so wide! It was Excited, and no one could blame it!
Tea went wonderfully well. Lyfrassir appeared to fully believe that Toy Soldier believed that this was a Gift! It got to talk about gelatin for ages, without getting shot once! And Lyfrassir appeared to be actually listening and storing the information! It was an excellent tea.
“Of course, gelatin was Rare during those times! It was quite hard to acquire enough of it to feed the Insatiable mass of the Upper Class who almost desired to encase themselves in it! But finding gelatin is so much Fun, Lyfrassir! It is all around us! And it can make such Delightful creations!”
They poked at the gelatin-encased cupcake dubiously.
“I thought that gelatin got... melty and cloudy with icing?”
“Oh, maybe if you only use Horse Gelatin!” Toy Soldier grinned wider. “But Gelatin is All Around Us!” It pulled a sheet of gelatin out from under the table. “Besides, I am Extraordinarily Talented at Gelatin! I learned all of its uses! Did you know that with the proper proportion of chemicals, you can preserve a body in Gelatin[1].”
Lyfrassir blinked.
“How did you cite a source outloud?”
“Like this[1]!”
“This[1]?”
“Yes! Very good! I am sure your friend must be quite proud of all your progress! You should be very proud of yourself!” Although maybe not quite as proud as they could be, given that they hadn’t realized that the Toy Soldier was fucking with them! Oh well, he wasn’t even in his second century, yet. There was only so much you could expect! It had taken Toy Soldier ages to properly perfect its art. Lyfrassir kept on slowly removing the gelatin from their tea set. It was pretty sure that they were disappearing it, instead of eating it, but they were still trapped by social convention!
Oh, this was so much fun. It settled into talking, and while this wasn’t quite as fun as its new Sunday High Teas with the Father of All Bats, it wasn’t bad! Toy Soldier was sure that Lyfrassir would make an excellent addition to the crew.
“Now, Toy Soldier.”
It nodded. Jonny liked it when people nodded when he spoke. It may be busy organizing the library as punishment for filling the whole fridge with cherry gelatin, but that didn’t mean it couldn’t pay attention.
“As your humble-”
“-captain-”
“Fucking hell stop that or I’ll wait until we’re out of the library and kill you.”
“[45]-” it stopped when Jonny started to strangle it. He appreciated it when it pretended to need air. When he was done, it started to talk again. “What is wrong? Have you had a complaint? You know I always strive to improve!”
“Citation fucking needed, TS. Lyfrassir and Marius were hypnotized in their own room by that wallpaper!”
“Lyfrassir’s eyes are sexually transmitted?”
“What? No- how would eyes be sexually transmitted? That’s not the point TS, the point is that you definitely made that, and I thought you’d stopped.”
Oh, Jonny. So loveably naive. Of course it had stopped. Everyone knew about it. There wasn’t any point. But now there was new chaos to cause! Just because everyone else got their kicks with fire and guns and explosions and science, and, notably, occasionally baking, didn’t mean that the Toy Soldier was somehow an anomaly in this group. This was the closest to family it thought it would ever get! Maybe it was a family. But as far as it knew, family didn’t mean no tricks. Family meant people who could play the best tricks. Like a loveable bonsai, pruned in the position that was the most beautiful. Only it was tricks and how people reacted to them!
Oh! Of course!
“Thank you, Jonny, I see the error of my ways! I have a wonderful new gift to give to Lyfrassir, now, I just have to make it!” It smiled. “It should be an excellent learning implement.”
“None of that wallpaper shit?”
“No! Not at All like the wallpaper! Entirely different, honestly!”
Jonny eyed it. But it had been eyeballed, nostriled, eared, and, on one notable occasion, mooned by people with a much better grasp of the art.
“It better not be, and that’s an order.”
It grinned. That was fine. The order slotted into place, but not in a way that would stop it.
“I promise, First Mate!”
“Captain!”
“[citation needed],” it repeated.
“Oh, go fuck yourself!” Jonny shouted before storming off. There was no shouting in the library, so Toy Soldier was sure that he would be consumed by octokittens before he reached the door in punishment.
Toy Soldier considered whether or not that had been an order, turning the idea around in its mind. It decided that Jonny said that to almost everyone, and almost never did the person in question go off to masturbate, and besides, it wasn’t in the mood. So it probably hadn’t been an order. It went back to shelving books. Ivy had such a particular system. It was soothing, working its way through the carts, dancing a perfect dance through the orders she had given about how to do so.
It was almost a ballet. Maybe it would suggest changes that would make it a proper ballet to Ivy. Then everyone could dance, when they returned the books, a perfect little microcosm of the universe, for just a second.
While it worked, it could think, working through another gift. It remembered that Lyfrassir’s teeth were self-healing, and could replenish themselves. It wasn’t quite sure how that came about, but it still gave it the most wonderful idea. Lyfrassir could use a routine, and a way to ease themself into the strangeness of the Mechanisms, and what it was sure was going to be his own increasing strangeness. So it would give them a bonsai.
If you thought about it, wood was like self-healing teeth. Wood pulp and enamel bark, growing from the soil. It would make such a wonderful piece of art for Lyfrassir to care for and learn from, a gentle twisting concoction of teeth. Maybe it should have fruit. It wasn’t quite decided what the appropriate fruit for a teeth tree would be, though. Tongues? It sang as it thought again, quietly, so that the octokittens didn’t do anything but gently nibble away the dead bark on itself.
Ah. Multiple fruiting branches, of course. How could it have thought anything less? It went back to its workshop that night, and considered the problem. What would be the best fruits, for this to-be tree?
After a while, Toy Soldier had an answer. Cashews, properly fruiting, of course, some medlar, and maybe some raspberries. It hoped Lyfrassir would share the medlar- it hadn’t had any since before the Rose War! They went rather sadly out of favor, after that. Something to do with the sheer amount that King Cole’s court had eaten! It was rather surprised that that had never made it into a song, as it felt rather symbolic. Oh well! You couldn’t have everything, as Ashes quite often told everyone else! Or if you did, no one would listen to concerts, and then you would all be so sad! That was what Ashes said!
The tree took a while, but Toy Soldier was sure that it would be worth it.
In the end, it knocked on Lyfrassir’s door, and waited for an answer. It took a while, but eventually Lyfrassir came back to their room, and blinked in surprise.
“Oh! Toy Solider. What- uh. What is that?”
It held out the teeth tree and beamed.
“It is a Bonsai Tree for you, Lyfrassir! So that you can have a Routine, and Something to Care For!”
He gently took the pot from Toy Soldier.
“Why is it... white? I didn’t think there was wood that was this shiny white. How do I care for it?”
“It is made of Teeth, Lyfrassir! The seed was a mix of Everyone’s teeth!”
Lyfrassir looked blank and confused.
“Teeth. Will it... grow?”
“Yes! It needs brushing every few days, with fluoride toothpaste, and a mix of calcium and water will serve for feeding! Probably about once a week!” It smiled, showing off a temporarily missing tooth. “It will fruit, if you care for it properly! And you can learn about the wonders of Teeth!”
“... Can you please tell me about the wonders of teeth, Toy Soldier?” Lyfrassir opened the door, and revealed their aquarium and living room. It still had a section of Toy Soldier’s wallpaper near the aquarium. It felt touched! Lyfrassir had kept some of the wallpaper!
“Of course! I love to discuss the pulp and enamel and the roots. The tooth is the most horrifying part of the body, I think! People do Not properly appreciate them, just like Gelatin!”
Lyfrassir sat down on the couch, and arranged the bonsai tree on the coffee table.
“Yes, I can imagine.” They smiled, and it was still genuine. “I would love to hear what you’ve done with teeth and chaos, Toy Soldier.”
Oh! He did understand! He just accepted the chaos anyways! The Toy Soldier imagined that it would feel warm, if it could do such a thing. If it was not made of wood.
It was excited to see the new shapes of the bonsai of its friends, now that there was a new branch.
Lyfrassir would be a good friend.