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Dark bangs covered his face as he got up from bed, giving his two lovers who slept in peace a last glance before leaving the room without making any sounds.
He didn't want to wake them up, ever.
So, keeping his word, he let his bare feet make their way to the door and sighed when he closed it behind his back. Three in the morning it was. But for Ray, it was always just dark and way too late for him to get a good rest, causing him to drink at least two cups of coffee in the morning for his body to not collapse while running early in the windy beach they lived near to.
All he could think of was how pointless it all was.
The boy had tried everything to fall asleep, and logically there shouldn't be any impediments for his brain to shut the fuck up. For a couple of hours only. Was it so difficult to do that? He thought to himself, and again his thoughts were faster than the tears that later would stream down his face.
He just knew they were coming from the moment he got up from bed. A bed full of nice things and nice things only, where Emma and Norman probably were still snoring like the two babies nobody could guess they were. Under the redhead's passion and fearless attitude, she still loved it when Ray made her pancakes with extra chocolate sauce in the morning, and complain if the black haired male didn't kiss her immediately after waking up. Meanwhile Norman's coldness and strict image of the perfect boss he portrayed when it came to business, could be destroyed with a single spank and suddenly he'd become a blushing mess. Also, he had a very soft spot for birds. How many times hadn't Ray found him in the backyard with dozens of the little creatures and a smile wide across his face?
Damn.
He was so in love with those two.
So grateful and happy of having them, that a little grin tried to break the perfect line of his lips, defeating his emotionless look from before. They were light between the scary and confusing place that was his mind. Sometimes Ray would find himself contemplating them while doing chores, with stupid lovely thoughts running freely inside his head. Those were the only times his mind would make up good stuff and not some self-deprecating shit to bring him down.
The best part of him, was probably the part that loved Norman and Emma. No matter how much they assured him he was worthy of their affection, worthy of happiness, of all the love in the world. It just was the way things were.
But then, why can't you just lay by their side and sleep, huh? Are you pathetic to the point where you can't even sleep? Even knowing there's nothing to worry about, you still are here in the middle of the living room instead of resting in bed like a normal person. You are so stupid, Ray. This is stupid, some people have it worse and you just aren't able to stop pitying yourself despite knowing this.
Selfish.
Weak.
Insignificant.
If you died, would it matter to the universe? You really think so...?
He doesn't remember when he started crying, or when his own voice turned so harsh and mean, repeating all those things as his thoughts. So he couldn't scape the dark cloud surrounding him. But the next thing he knew, the cold wooden floor hit his shoulder and he was silently crying there.
For no reason. All of this was irrational and that infuriated him even more, if he had any strength left to be upset. His bottom lip was caught between his teeth as he muffled a whimper from coming out of his mouth. Overwhelming. The feelings and the "realisation" of his idiotness were too much.
He couldn't breathe.
And this, this is the point of no return. When the waves decide to take him away from the safe land, and drown him in a gigantic ocean of sorrow and confusion. Because over all the rude things about himself, about how he would never get over this sadness and ruin both his life and his lover's. There was always the big question. Why am I feeling like this? Why can't I just relax and turn it all off? Questions he couldn't answer, because the human brain decided to be a little bitch to some people and that only left him more lost. Dying would be easier-
But when he thought he was going to finally pass out, in the hard floor and crying nonsensely like a child, a pair of arms held him desperately and pushing him against someone's chest.
Warm.
Like fire, surrounding him while he was still underwater. He felt nice and fuzzy for a second. Both feelings collapsing into one.
Like a force to be reckoned with,
a mighty ocean or a gentle kiss
I will love you
with every single thing I have.
Ray opened his eyes, dumbfounded and glassy due to the tears still wet on his cheeks. And almost let out a scream he had been containing when blue eyes and a worried expression met him, it was Norman the one who slept lighter. Fuck.
"Norman, I-" he tried to tell him to go back to sleep, even though he knew neither of them would if he was in that situation. The words caught up in his throat, unable to come out. Like they could sense it was stupid. The other boy was still holding him tight, and he shushed him with a gentle caress on his temple, Norman brushed his dark hair out of his face, probably taking his temperature while Ray still couldn't take his own eyes off of him.
"Don't say it's fine, I'm not going back to bed anyways" the taller one assured him, and even though the words were said in a low and soft tone, Ray heard them perfectly.
Oh, see what you've done?
He is probably still tired, but since you can't hold yourself together he has to stay here for you. How selfish are you going to be with the ones you supposedly love? Is this really what you want, Ray?
Attention?
Go away. He needed them to go away.
Or else he would end up whimpering again and it was bad enough that Norman found him in the floor, trembling. The same Norman that could see right through him even when he tried to mask the bad parts of himself, which were a lot.
"B-but it's fine, it is. It'll stop soon, you know it... will..." he could say between the hiccups. However his hand reached to squeeze Norman's shirt for the sake of having something to hold onto. "Go to sleep, please. I don't want to-"
"When will you stop looking after us and take care of yourself instead?" the white haired one interrupted him. And it sounded weaker this time, the way it sounded when he tried to scold him or Emma for a stupid prank, and be actually angry at them. But being the delicate piece of bread Norman turned into when the three of them were alone, he just couldn't.
Even if the white haired male would never admit it out loud, when Ray had one of this episodes, seeing him cry or say all those terrible things hurt like hell. And no matter how many times he'd deal with it, or tell the boy he didn't have to worry, it did. For the impotence. Because he wasn't able to destroy whatever was causing that insufferable pain to his Ray, and Norman would've given himself away to do it. So he kept hugging him there. And contemplated the glassy eyes who evaded his, as it was the only tactic he had to calm Ray down in that kind of situation.
When the other male buried his face in his shirt, starting to relax but intensifying the crying, he kissed his head repeatedly. Hoping that simple gesture was enough to ease the wild storm that was probably the shorter one's mind.
"It's okay. I'm here, just..." Norman sucked in a breath. He just whimpered, oh my god. Don't start crying you too. "...just don't push me away, not when you're like this."
He was about to get over the fact that Ray wasn't going to respond, but suddenly he put his arms around Norman's waist too. And as surprised as he was, he felt the words coming out of the other's mouth like a gentle breeze.
"I said I wouldn't, but it's still hard to open up, you know? Also, this is so pointless, I don't know what's wrong this time, I- hugging you is okay..."
Norman nodded at that. Letting Ray rest his chin on his shoulder while composing himself.
For a while, they stayed in that position. With only the sound of some trees moving with the wind outside, the clock in the kitchen ticking along a melody both of them had become familiar to and the footsteps of someone tiny coming from their bedroom.
"Do you want to go back to bed?" Emma asked, already sensing what was going on.
And with his cheeks being hold gently between her hands, Norman and he agreed.
Like a tidal wave, I'll make a mess
Or calm waters, if that serves you best
I will love you without any strings attached
"Hm, I see... I see something small, orange and very annoying." Ray said in a teasing but raspy voice. Looking directly into Emma's eyes as she still had a confused expression coloring those green emeralds. "Yeah, the thing I see usually gives me headaches..."
Norman snorted, hiding his face on Ray's back.
"C'mon, I was trying to light the mood!" Emma snapped when she realized he was insulting her in her face, and pouted. Something that shouldn't be cute in a girl her age, but who is here to contradict the way Ray's heart fluttered whenever she did it? "Ray-ray is mean."
Now it was his turn to laugh, poking her cheek.
The three of them were in bed now, with their limbs tangled together in a weird way. And had started playing this guessing game because the redhead suggested it and honestly, distracting his mind with these kind of silly things was a good coping mechanism.
And so with Emma on the left side, closest to the window and resting on one elbow. Norman on the other side, looking at both of them silently appreciating, and still hugging Ray's waist. Who was in the middle, as always they were playing. Because contrary to popular belief, the dark haired one was extremely cuddly when it came to Norman or Emma. And it was a pleasure for them to make him feel safe and sound, no matter how many kisses they had to give him or repeating We love you until the sentence was outworn.
"Sorry, I had to do it" he replied, earning a snicker from her. Emma was the type of person that never held back any resentment. But also, didn't like people holding anything back either, not when it was a heavy pain on their chests.
So when the room went quiet again, she slowly raised her hand and brought it closer to the other's face.
Emma traced with a finger the path some tears had drawn on Ray's skin, an unreadable expression on her eyes. The touch was light, but it burned him just like Norman's arms when he put them around him on the floor. And then she pressed her palms on his face, forcing him to look at her, and she leaned in for a kiss.
A gentle one, not what you'd usually expect from Emma.
But it melted him completely, because he didn't see it coming. And when their lips crashed, he just knew they'd be warm. Fire on his mouth, consuming him from the inside when the tingling sensation invaded his chest too. Norman was fast to kiss his neck from the back and suddenly he was in flames. Ardency numbing his senses with every passing second. It didn't matter they were just kissing him, Ray still felt their touch like a new source of energy, of life.
And so, when they stopped the kissing to snuggle against him, it kind of made sense that they resembled fire on his eyes.
"You know, we can't stop your mind from running wild and being an asshole to you, when it's not making up amazing things" Emma murmured, "but I still want to be there for you when it gets dark, Ray..."
He opened his mouth at this. But closed it again, not finding any words yet.
"She's right. The only thing we can offer is cuddles and the promise that we love you no matter what, but that's on it" Norman added. And Ray noticed how their voices got softer, pleading even.
"It's not like we are asking you to wake us up everytime it happens but- y'know... consider it?"
"I don't sleep much anyways."
"Norman! You know I don't like that either."
"I'm just saying I'm 24/7 available for him"
"But I'm the one who loves cuddling him the most, Ray needs affection and hugs from me too!"
"Well, my body is bigger for him to nuzzle against it, and that's a fact"
"I can't believe you just said that." She gasped, fulminating Norman with her eyes.
"Babe, my point is that if Ray had to choose objectively a better comforter that'd be me-"
"Shut up?! He likes my hugs more, how dare you-"
Their stupid bantering was interrupted by Ray's laugh, suddenly being the loudest sound in the room, and both Emma and Norman stopped talking to look at him with wide eyes.
He sat on bed, still shaking with laughter. He knows they were trying to get him to feel better but damn, that was funny. He sighed, finally calming down and turned to them, his eyes glistening as if the moon reflected on them, his bangs brushed back and a remarkable blush on his cheeks. Definitely a rare image the two on the bed would treasure forever.
He cleared his throat, suddenly embarrassed for mocking them after having one of his episodes. "I love hugging both of you, without preferences and... Thank you, so much" he felt his eyes getting wet again. Jesus christ, I don't cry this much usually. "You do more than enough just being here, okay? I love you and, fuck- fucking tears I didn't ask to have lachrymose glands-"
Ray wiped them away unsuccessfully, and he only had time to yelp when he was thrown on his back again, with the two he loved the most hugging him hard at the same fucking time. And just like that, he was showered in kisses and sweet words, groaning a bit out of embarrassment.
"G-get off!"
"Ray has always been a softie on the inside" Emma accused him lightheartedly. And with Norman giggling mischievously as an agreement, he decided he could be mad at them later.
After all, he really liked the way they could burn him to ashes.
Like matches in the dark, bringing hope and warmth when Ray felt lost in the frozen ocean that was his mind sometimes.
He could always be sure they'd be there for him. Not destroying the ice completely, but making it bearable for him to walk on.
And what a privilege it is to love
A great honor to hold you up