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Lessons in Flirting (Unintentionally and Definitely Not Romantically) by shrimprangoon
Fandoms: 9-1-1 (TV)
14 Sep 2025
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Summary
Hen sighs. “Something had to be said before you idiots put us in mortal peril.”
“I’d never do anything to jeopardize our safety on a job! You know that Hen.”
“Maybe not on purpose,” Chim chimes in, “but, see, the thing is, when you flirt with our Buck, his brain turns off. He just bluescreens.”
“You’re flustering the poor boy, Eddie,” Hen adds. “And it’s making him dumb.”
“-er,” Chim adds.
“Wha- Buck isn’t flustered.”
Eddie is flustered. His face feels hot. He takes another sip of his coffee to give his hands something do to, but that only makes him feel warmer. Shit.
Hen levels him with the most deadpan look. “Last week he walked into a stop sign after you called him ‘big boy’ on a call.”
Eddie nearly spits out his coffee.
Or: the one where Eddie subconsciously flirts with Buck without realizing and Buck is actively trying not to have a heart attack at work about it
Series
- Part 1 of Lessons in Dumbassery
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Summary
The phone lights up on the coffee table. It's a number he half-recognizes — a few weeks back a package for his apartment went to 4D by mistake, and he texted the guy to sort it out, and the guy wrote back a paragraph and a half about how the mail situation in this building was, his words, "a war crime." Eddie didn't save the number. He meant to. It just lives in his phone now as a stranger, and the stranger is texting him.
Unknown: hey. HEY. ok this is the package guy from 4D. ur 4B. i need to ask u somethign and its important
Unknown: u have the good dog right
Eddie: Who is this?
Unknown: i JUST said. package guy. 4D. anyway i hear his little feet in the hallway sometiems. tap tap tap. like a tiny gentleman. and i need to know hes real
Eddie knows who this is. Big guy, loud, holds the elevator and then narrates the entire ride down.
Eddie: Are you drunk?
Unknown: thats a seperate issue from the dog
Which is not a no.
Eddie: [image]
Unknown: OH MY GOD
Or,
Eddie gets a series of drunk texts from his hot neighbor. -
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Summary
"Hey, you made it."
Buck turns toward the voice, already saying "sorry, he's got a lot of energy, he's—" and then he gets a look at the swim instructor, and the rest of the sentence walks off a cliff.
Because the swim instructor is shirtless.
Obviously he's shirtless, he's a swim instructor, that's the dress code, Buck understands this intellectually. What Buck did not account for is that the swim instructor would look like that — like someone took every good idea the human body has ever had and put them all in one place and then made him relaxed about it on top of everything, loose, smiling at Buck like Buck isn't a sweating disaster clutching a four-year-old by the swim shirt.
"I'm Eddie," the swim instructor says, and sticks out a hand.
"Buck," Buck says, eventually. He shakes the hand. The hand is tan, and big, and — no. He's not doing this. There's a child present. Several children.
"And this must be Theo."
Or,
Buck falls for Theo's swim instructor, literally. -
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Summary
"So." Buck takes another sip of coffee, real slow, savoring the wind-up. He sets the mug down with a soft clink. "Princess."
Eddie closes his eyes.
This is it. This is where they find him face down in his eggs. Chimney's going to have to call Pepa. Pepa is going to be furious. The funeral will be small and Buck better wear something hideous to it, Buck better wear that godawful floral shirt with the parrots, the one Eddie told him was ugly out loud one time two years ago and has been secretly obsessed with ever since, because Eddie deserves the satisfaction of being buried while looking at it.
"Buck." He says it into his toast.
Buck shrugs. "I'm just asking."
"You're not asking. You're enjoying yourself."
"I'm doing both, Eds, I’m versatile."
Or,
Eddie gains a boyfriend, a pair of lace panties, and learns a lot about himself in the span of forty-eight hours.Series
- Part 2 of veni, vidi, vici
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Summary
“No. You’re doing all the work for me. That’s how you like it. You want to do everything by yourself,” Buck smirked and leaned further against the pillows that propped his body up. “You’re a little selfish like that, aren’t you? Don’t want anyone telling you what to do? It’ll always be you in charge because no one else knows better than you. That's why you don't trust or want anyone to take care of you. Isn’t that right, baby?”
“That’s not true,” Eddie cried out, curving his shoulders inward as his thighs started to shake. “I let you take care of me.”
Buck raised an eyebrow and glanced at their positions.
“You were taking too long,” Eddie answered the question in his eyes.
“Taking too long for what? I was barely in you for more than two minutes before you were flipping us over and if you were patient during any of those two minutes I would’ve eventually given you what you wanted.”
Or: Where a lesson of patience leads Eddie to take twelve different "Am I Gay" quizzes.
Series
- Part 3 of Follow the Leader