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You might've heard the tales of Hermione Granger's extraordinary sidekick. The one who, against all odds, persevered even in the most harrowing of circumstances. Orphaned early and left alone to fend for himself, none would've been surprised had he fallen victim to his apparent destiny.
But destiny matters little when you have the heart of a kneazle and the mind of a cat.
This is the story of Crookshanks.
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A look into Hermione's life after the war, as told by Crookshanks.
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Alpha Pope Tom Riddle and Beta Cardinal Draco Malfoy fuck the church's newest omega nun on the Papal Altar.
That's it. That's the fic.
Written for Tomione CUNT LAW Fest 2026
AU/Excerpt/cheeky wink from Chapter VI of Tabula Rasa. -
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"On Monday, Dad was bugging Aunty Mione, saying she’d have to dust out cobwebs soon.”
Scorpius tilted his head. “What does that mean?”
“I think it’s because Aunty Mione is scared of spiders,” Albus answered. “Not as bad as Uncle Ron, but whenever she sees one, she always lets out a funny squeak. And Mum was saying that Aunty Mione’s hair is resembling a cat lady’s, and that if she wasn’t careful, there’d be nothing but cat fur and cobwebs left.”
Scorpius nodded. “Can something be done about that?” The boy asked seriously.
“Dad said he’s recommending another one of the Aurors to help her out.” Albus scratched out something on the parchment. “He’s apparently a big, muscled guy. Dad said he would take good care of Aunty Mione.”
A thunk interrupted the conversation.
Draco rubbed at his knee, where it had slammed against the bottom of the dining table, and avoided the stares of the two young boys.
Apparently a big, muscled guy, who would take good care of Aunty Mione.
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Or why you should never leave 13 year olds alone with your Quill that dictates your every word.
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Marriage is largely a matter of perspective. From hers, Draco Malfoy is an exceptionally good husband.
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Give Hermione Granger four hours of Liquid Luck and a Time Turner, and she would change the course of the Wizarding World, guaranteed… or so she thought.
Tom Riddle had other plans for her.
Series
- Part 1 of The Luck & Time Trilogy
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Hermione’s being shipped off to the New World colony to avoid being outed as a witch, and to be married off like a goodwife.
She's sure she can talk her way out of it until she meets the Governor of Massachusetts Bay Colony, Draco Malfoy.
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Eighth year. The war is over. Hermione is fucking strangers in her dormitory and Draco is selling weed out of greenhouse ten. A weekend, a playlist, and the slow recognition that surviving wasn't the same as living.
Inspired by Skins/Euphoria.
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Pansy has a horrible, terrible, no good, very bad day…But maybe a text from Daddy can turn things around?
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Father was Percy's preferred parenting title. As time went on, she had begun to feel like it suited him, a realization that she wasn’t sure she liked.
She thought, with a sort of vague, sleep-addled confidence, that Charlie was almost certainly the kind of man who would want to be called daddy.
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Jealousy’s a disease, and Neville Longbottom was absolutely sick with it.
Harry Potter was Neville’s brother in everything but blood. That didn’t stop Neville from wanting Harry’s very pregnant wife, Hermione Granger. And it certainly didn’t stop him from hoping she was carrying his child.
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“Hermione, not only are you the Minister, you’re a mother and a wife… famously one without nannies or house-elves,” I remarked as we trailed through the room. “I think of all the questions I’ve asked you today, my readers are most interested in this one: How do you do it all?”
Before answering, she opened the back door, allowing the happy sound of children' s giggles to filter in with the warm breeze. She turned, a bright smile on her face and eyes lit up with joy. “That’s easy, Parvati. I don’t.”
We stepped outside into the Malfoys’ spacious back garden to find that First Gentleman Draco Granger-Malfoy was playing football with their two oldest children, Scorpius and Cordelia, while also wearing their youngest, baby Aster, in a wrap. Famously, the youngest Granger-Malfoy was the first baby born to a sitting Minister in well over a hundred years.
“Draco,” she continued, pride threaded through her voice, “is how I do it all."
Or:
Hermione is Minister for Magic but she couldn't do it with the First Gentleman at her side.
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How Draco Malfoy Became a Cat Dad by Back_to_Fanfic
Fandoms: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
05 May 2026
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Draco never understood why some people insisted on referring to themselves as “pet parents”. Sure, he liked animals, but it wasn’t like he was completely obsessed or anything. Theo, for example, had recently adopted a Daschund and promptly began calling himself a “Dog Dad”. He’d heard that Daphne had adopted a cat and was positively gaga over the little creature. While he was happy his friends were happy, he just never saw himself become attached to an animal in that way.
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Sated. Sacred. Significant.
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“Lucius,” she whispered.
He waited.
She bit her lip. This was it.
“Do you feel it too?”
A pause.
“Yes.”
When Hermione accidentally touches an ancient marriage rite, she finds herself in Lucius Malfoy's bedroom.
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After having his night off cut short by a hospital emergency, Draco Malfoy returns home to hear the end of his son's bad performance and how the girl he brought home fakes it.
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Draco Malfoy fucks his son's “friend” to prove to her Malfoy man do know how to take care of women.
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Hermione is the best at pub quizzes, the very best of them all—at least if you ask her.
If you ask Draco, she is nothing but a bratty girl who needs to be put in her place—something he is more than happy to do.
Who says they can't both be right?
~•~
Or Hermione gets punished in the Ladies' Loo at The Leaky.
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Rose Granger-Weasley has stolen many things in her life: Library books she fully intended to return, her father's chocolates, and her mother's patience.
She was going to put her stepfather's wand back before he found out it was gone, but...
Now Draco wants it back, and Rose discovers that being caught may be far more than she bargained for.
***Or, the one where Rose keeps stealing Draco's wand to masturbate with it.
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Auror Rose Weasley is visiting the notorious criminal Blaise Zabini in Azkaban. Her cover is that she is here to interrogate him, but is that really the case?
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Hermione is convinced that Lucius Malfoy faked his own death to get out of his Azkaban sentence. She tracks him down, determined to make him pay, but gets far more than she bargained for.
She kept the wand tip pressed under his chin, eyeing the trail of blood that made a path over his lips and dripped onto the luxurious carpet.
"I’m willing to pay retribution to you personally,” he murmured, far too seductive for someone who should be afraid for his life. -
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“Poison, let me ensure I am not forgetting anything. First, you defy my instruction regarding your attire for this evening.” Neville held up his forefinger. “Secondly, in choosing your own outfit for this evening, you forewent your knickers.” His middle finger popped up, joining the first. “And last but not least, instead of trying to assuage me of your misdeeds by complying with my simple ask, you decided to set my mouth on fire.” He raised his thumb. Three digits stared back at her. “Am I forgetting anything?”
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Pansy tests the limits with her beau and gets delightfully punished (see: rewarded) for her efforts.