Chapter Text
One Year, Five Months, and Thirteen Days Later
You have entered the group: ‘hamsquad’
whambamthankuham: happy new year motherfuckers
margaritaville: alex we’re already like midway through january
whambamthankuham: it’s the only ELEVENTH you wretched dunce this is not MIDWAY
margaritaville: don’t hate on me you ballsac
whambamthankuham: politely ignoring that
whambamthankuham: by the way...something else important...happens...Today...hmm
margaritaville: ……………………………….you’re so fucking thirsty
lagayette: happy birthday alex
h0rsefucker: happy birthday!!
margaritaville: happy birthday you thirsty motherfucker
whambamthankuham: oh THANK you how did you KNOW
theOGgeorge: Happy birthday, Alexander!!
whambamthankuham: THANKS BIG GUY I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT YOU CAN GET ME AS A GIFT
turtle: that message just put a bullet between my eyes and killed me instantly in front of my wife and kids
heavens2betsey: i was the wife and kids
whambamthankuham: DONTBEFUCKINGRUDE.JPEG DFJKSJFLKJD
heavens2betsey: also notice how alexander comes crawling in here to beg for birthday wishes EVEN THOUGH john and i have been up since the CRACK OF DAWN making him BREAKFAST which we brought to him IN BED??
turtle: we live a life surrounded by ingratitude eliza
turtle: im just glad we have each other ://
lagayette: this is….so sad
whambamthankuham: THEY’RE NOT MENTIONGING THAT LAURENS DROPPED A PAN REALLY LOUD AND WOKE ME UP
turtle: it? was an ACCIDENT you FRUMPY ASSHOLE
whambamthankuham: DON’T CALL ME AN ASSHOLE IT’S MY B I R T H D A Y
turtle: sorry love u
margaritaville: alexa play despacito IMMEDIATELY
You have entered the group: ‘surprise squad’
lagayette: ARE WE STILL ON FOR HAM’S SECRET PARTY TONIGHT??
turtle: YEAH
heavens2betsey: WOLLMAN RINK @ 5:30 PM
heavens2betsey: EVERYONE PLS BE THERE AT 5:30 BC IM BRINGING ALEXANDER AT 6
heavens2betsey: AND THEN WE WILL SKATE AND THEN DINNER AND MAYBE DRINKS AFTER?
h0rsefucker: why are we taking him ice skating isn’t he like 30
turtle: blease stop i thought it would be cute
heavens2betsey: it WILL be cute u are valid john
turtle: also he had like...no childhood so we have to give him these fun experiences now
margaritaville: OK COME FOR HIS THROAT THEN
theOGgeorge: I LOVE ice skating!
h0rsefucker: oh my God i know this asshole is about to tell us he like has been training with tonya harding since he could crawl
angaylica: george literally has an ice skating rink in his childhood vacation home in the swiss alps
angaylica: i have been there
theOGgeorge: I’m so sick of being attacked
theOGgeorge: Please. I am gay. I am stupid. I have a fainting couch and I own an ice skating rink. I don’t want to be put on blast every day for it.
margaritaville: IMAGINE THINKING UR VALID WHEN U OWN AN ICE RINK
jmadisin: CAN “I AM GAY. I AM STUPID. I OWN A FAINTING COUCH.” BE THE NEW MEME OF 2019 OR
turtle: OH MY GOD YES PLEASE
turtle: OK GET BACK IN THE MAIN CHAT WE’LL SEE EVERYONE TONGIHT
You have entered the group: ‘hamsquad’
lagayette: is this how we’re starting 2019 off...really…with an OLD meme
margaritaville: WE’RE NOT STARTING IT OFF AT ALL IT’S LTIERALLY ALREADY BEEN GOING ON???
lagayette: “ltierally”
margaritaville: i see SOME people haven’t changed at all
lagayette: new year but same me because there wasn’t anything wrong with me last year!!
h0rsefucker: ohhh binch i beg to fuckin differ
lagayette: then beg.
whambamthankuham sent an image: sandraoh-redfilter-eyes-thenperish.jpg
h0rsefucker: pLEASE STOP
angaylica: HEY NEW YEAR NEW USERNAME FUCKERS!!
margaritaville: WHY THE HELL IS EVERYONE JUST NOW GETTING AROUND TO CHANGING THINGS WHEN IT’S LITERALLY THE MIDDLE OF JANUARY IC AN T DO THIS??
theOGgeorge: It’s okay, Peggy, I’m not changing anything about myself ever!
margaritaville: ...well actually if anyone needs to change themselves--
theOGgeorge: WELL THEN!
turtle: NICE USERNAME ANGELICA
angaylica: it’s anGAYlica please READ
turtle: i’ve never read anything and i won’t start now
lagayette: how u be answering these messages now though
turtle: oh i said what i said sis i’ve never read
turtle: on all levels except physical i cannot read
jmadisin: so like you can literally read is what this says
turtle: ON ALL LEVELS EXCEPT PHYSICAL I CAN’T JAMES CAN YOU FUCKING READ
whambamthankuham: sometimes i wonder if john actually reads any of this before he sends it
margaritaville: HE C A N ‘ T FUCKING READ HAMILTON DO YOU EVER PAY ATTENTION
heavens2betsey: IM CRY ING
heavens2betsey: WHY ARE WE COMING INTO 2019 WITH THIS ENERGY
margaritaville: TIDDIES OUT BRAIN CELL COUNT DRASTICALLY DOWN THAT’S JUST HOW WE RUN THIS TOWN!
turtle: HELL YEAH!!
jmadisin: IM SICK SDKFAJLSJFIASJDFKL
angaylica: i for one am proud to start another year staying consistent in my ongoing resolution of being chaotic stupid,
turtle: this is literally chaotic stupid appropriation angelica we ALL know that you’re chaotic smart at worst but really neutral smart shut the hell up
h0rsefucker: shut the up the
turtle: SEE PERICLES GETS IT
h0rsefucker: I AM NOT NOW NOR HAVE I EVER BEEN PERICLES LET’S LEAVE THAT BULLSHIT IN 2017 IF YOU DON’T MIND
heavens2betsey: pericles just play along :/ ur bein a bad sport
h0rsefucker: I--
h0rsefucker: i feel like i am the #1 most bullied person in this whole chat
whambamthankuham: are u really gonna just sit here and ignore me like that
h0rsefucker: well… *#1 most UNNECESSARILY bullied person in this whole chat
whmabamthankuham: CAN YOU STOP
h0rsefucker: well see i’m not ignoring u im just saying
h0rsefucker: when ur bullied it’s bc u have brought stupid energy into the chat but when IM bullied it’s bc everyone just wants to hate on me bc they FEAR ME. they are AMAZED by my doctrine. im like JESUS
theOGgeorge: ...YOU’RE like Jesus?
h0rsefucker: arguably,
theOGgeorge: May I ask you a very fair question?
h0rsefucker: if it’s fair
angaylica: pericles don’t
theOGgeorge: What DO you do or say well??
theOGgeorge: QUICKLY!
theOGgeorge: What have you EVER contributed to the chat that was inspiring, thought-provoking, intelligent, useful,
theOGgeorge: You see my point.
h0rsefucker: didn’t u once put taco seasoning on macaroni or??
theOGgeorge: At least I didn’t bust my nut in literally two minutes over the course of one chat about where to get lunch, but I digress.
h0rsefucker: IS THIS ATTACK HERCULES DAY
lagayette: extremely bold of you to assume that every day is not attack hercules day
h0rsefucker: LAFAYETTE I LITERALLY WANT THE ENGAGEMENT RING BACK IF YOU DON’T MIND
whambamthankuham: this is like a vacation for me honestly i can just sit back and watch hercules get roasted what else could i ever ask for
turtle: you can never just be quiet can you
turtle: when you interject like this you are literally putting your neck on the line for all of us to leave herc alone and jump on you
whambamthankuham: well i do enjoy it when you jump on me laurens
turtle: OKSDIFJSKJ
angaylica: my eyes are bleeding
margaritaville: ditto
heavens2betsey: there’s no jumping involved in sex
heavens2betsey: at least not how im having it??
turtle: IM CRYING ELIZA BE QUIET
whambamthankuham: ANYWAY,D SFPODFJDFS
whambamthankuham: i actually came in here because i wanted to look back on the past TWO YEARS OF OUR LIVES
whambamthankuham: because it is my BIRTHDAY and i’m one day closer to OBLIVION and being consumed by the VOID and i want to reminisce!!
jmadisin: why would we ever want to do that
margaritaville: ^
heavens2betsey: ^
angaylica: ^
turtle: ^
h0rsefucker: ^
lagayette: ^
dmadisin: good morning
dmadisin: ^
mariacarey: howdy
mariacarey: ^
theOGgeorge: ^
whambamthankuham: DID PEOPLE LITERALLY WAKE UP JUST TO BE RUDE TO ME
deartheo: ^
yrobdntsrvnt: ^
jayz: ^
whambamthankuham: WE HAVE TOO MANY EXTRANEOUS MOTHERFUCKERS IN THIS DAMN CHAT IM SICK OF EVERYTHIGN I TAKE IT BACK I DON’T WANT TO RELFECT WITH YOU FUCKS AT ALL
heavens2betsey: wIJLDFJSLKFJ
jayz: am i just an extraneous motherfucker hamilton is that all i am to you
whambamthankuham: ...like, yes, yeah, literally you are and i just said as much
jayz: THE HATE I FEEL IN THIS CHAT IS HONESTLY SO FUCKING TOXIC??
margaritaville: JSDFLKSF PRAYER CIRCLE…
jayz: this has been a rough year for ya boy and we’re 3 days in
margaritaville: IT IS THE ELEVENTH YOU ABSOLUTE FUCKIGN WRETCH
angaylica: is it bad just because hamilton bullied you
jayz: if im being honest? yes
whambamthankuham: MY INFLUENCE...MY POWER
h0rsefucker: what do u guys think the best moments of ham’s 2018 were
theOGgeorge is typing...
h0rsefucker: AND GEORGE DON’T SAY ANYTHING ABOUT DICK SUCKING
heavens2betsey: NOTICE HOW HIS LITTLE TYPING BUBBLE IMMEDIATELY WENT AWAY SDKLFJSKDJFLJ
dmadisin: IM GAGGING SKLJDFKDJ
whambamthankuham: are u guys going to make my good and fun idea about reflecting on last year into a roast because i don’t appreciate that
margaritaville: all signs point to yes. thank you for submitting your question.
jmadisin: really though i think the best part of the past TWO years was the burr RPF
deartheo: GOD yes and then all the fic online about the burr RPF
yrobdntsrvnt: This chat is POISON.
deartheo: look. im just sayin. i can provide you with links to the best works if you would like
yrobdntsrvnt: theodosia i’ve literally been asking you to stop using the computer in the den to read those?? theo jr will be able to read soon and i will NOT have her looking at explicit content
deartheo: aaron she’s TWO we’re not there yet
yrobdntsrvnt: i ALSO don’t want to see any creative fiction about my sex life either so if you could keep that in mind
yrobdntsrvnt: eliza’s book is 40000000000 pages long i think i’ve heard ENOUGH about it
whambamthankuham: burr is the only person i know who has to read someone else’s book about his sex life in lieu of having a healthy and fulfilling one
yrobdntsrvnt: WHAT ABOUT THE EXISTENCE OF MY LITERAL BIOLOGICAL CHILD MAKES YOU THINK I DON’T HAVE A FULFILLING SEX LIFE
deartheo: i resent the implication as well
heavens2betsey: as always i’d like to say that i’m so fucking sorry that i ever brought that book into this world
angaylica: IM NOT
dmadisin: if we’re being honest that book was the greatest thing to happen to this chat
yrobdntsrvnt: I BEG TO DIFFER
deartheo sent an image: howmanytimesdowehavetoteachyouthislessonoldman.jpg
lagayette: NO THE GREATEST THING WAS GEORGE’S DICK PIC
theOGgeorge: Thank you so fucking much
mariacarey: oh refuckintweet lads x
whambamthankuham: so much better in real life but i agree
margaritaville: i went blind reading that
turtle: i physically couldn’t read that
jmadisin: YOU ARE NOT SPECIAL JUST BECAUSE YOU’RE ILLITERATE OH MY GOD LAURENS GET OVER IT
turtle: what did that say
heavens2betsey: IMS CODBBSF
heavens2betsey: laurens is going to make illiteracy the new trend like rabies was for a second
angaylica: don’t even talk about that please
turtle: i still can’t read this
heavens2betsey: every day i wake up full of regret that i’ve hitched my wagon to this motherfucker
turtle: I SIJDFISJDFIJAD I FEEL SO MUCH HATE
whambamthankuham: PLEASE can we go back to my original idea i think it was going to be heartwarming and really good??
dmadisin: when have you ever had an idea that was heartwarming or really good?? QUICKLY
whambamthankuham: you fucking lesbian get out of my house
dmadisin: SDFJSILFDJSDIOFWOEFJ
mariacarey: LET’S GO LESBIANS LET’S GO LESBIANS LET’S GO!!!
theOGgeorge: Okay, I’ll start
dmadisin: we all know ur only doing that bc u bone down with hamilton on the reg
theOGgeorge sent an image: BOOOOONE!?.jpg
theOGgeorge: How DARE you speak to your commanding monarch like that, Dolley
theOGgeorge: I HAVE NEVER
theOGgeorge: I WOULD NEVER
jmadisin: OH MY GOD JUST SAY YOUR FUCKING PIECE GEORGE I CANT’ DO THSI
theOGgeorge: EKLJFLSKJF
theOGgeorge: Okay, well, I was going to say that MY favorite part of 2018 was coming to America and getting to know all of you, but since you’re being so RUDE to me…
margaritaville: we’re only mean to you because it’s good for your constitution
turtle: he doesn’t have a constitution peggy they got rid of that in brexit
whambamthankuham: IM SCRAEMGIN MYF CUKGIN HEAD OFF
theOGgeorge: I’M HAVING AN ANEURYSM
angaylica: I--
turtle: dick out brain cell count down that’s just how we run this town
margaritaville: GOD laurens if i could chest bump you i fuckin would
heavens2betsey: i can’t believe im morosexual
whambamthankuham: ME TOO
heavens2betsey: can you be morosexual if you’re the moron or
lagayette: HAMILTON FOUND WIGLESS IN MIAMI NO MONEY NO FAMILY
whambamthankuham: I WAS SNIPED
jmadisin: as the spokesperson for morosexuals,
heavens2betsey: your honor my point still stands!! you cannot be morosexual if you’re the moron and james clearly is
angaylica: objection sustained
theOGgeorge: I’m still waiting for someone to say that they love me back.
mariacarey: then KEEP WAITING
theOGgeorge: IT WASN’T EVEN MY IDEA TO DO THIS EXERCISE!! WHY IS MY LIFE BEING THREATENED
angaylica: /i/ love you george
theOGgeorge: You already have my credit card, Angelica, you don’t have to suck up
h0rsefucker: RIP IN PEACE
lagayette: well i’ll just say that my favorite memory from last year is that george stopped using periods so much
lagayette: dissolving into incoherency with the rest of us...very sexy of him i have to say
theOGgeorge: THANK you
whambamthankuham: this exercise is not what i wanted it to be at all and half the people in this chat are barely in here
dmadisin: im still here im just eating breakfast
mariacarey: im breakfast
whambamthankuham: FLAGGED FOR INAPPROPRIATE CONTENT
dmadisin: shut up alex u sound like the tumblr staff
heavens2betsey: OH VERY CLASSY JOKE THAT WILL INSTANTLY DATE THIS CHAT WHEN WE LOOK BACK ON IT
margaritaville: i guess it has to be tiddies out but female presenting nipples safely put away or censored, bottoms down, that’s just how we run this town
heavens2betsey: iSMDIJSDKFK
heavens2betsey: I LOVE YOU SO MUCH YOU FUNKY LITTLE BISEXUAL
angaylica: UR DOING ABSOLUTELY FUCKING AMAZING SWEETIE
margaritaville: I LOVE MY FANS!!
margaritaville: ok so MY favorite memory from 2018 was when angelica started working for washington
angaylica: very sexy of me to be gainfully employed i agree
theOGgeorge: You wouldn’t know it from the way she still shows up on my bank statement every other day
angaylica: ENOUGH!!
angaylica: george it’s like you don’t even love me at all
theOGgeorge: I DO!! You’re BANKRUPTING ME THOUGH
angaylica: AM I??
theOGgeorge: No you couldn’t possibly
theOGgeorge: I’m too fucking loaded for that lmao
jmadisin: THE BBE (BIG BOURGEOIS ENERGY)..............
margaritaville: u didn’t even let me finish :/
angaylica: yeah bc i have a feeling that what ur going to say is not what i want to hear
margaritaville: okayDFKSJFLKJ
margaritaville: but remember when she had to give an official statement on TIDE PODS LJSKLJFLKJS
angaylica: PLEASE DON’T BRING THIS UP IM
January 16th, 2018
FROM THE OFFICE OF:
Sen. George Washington
First St SE, Washington, DC 20004
Contact:
Angelica Schuyler
(555) 420-6969
For Immediate Release:
January 16th, 2018
In light of the recent controversy surrounding a viral trend centered on the unwise consumption of laundry detergent, Senator Washington (D-Fairfax) has signed onto a prevention bill for the reclassification and relabeling of all products adjacent to or posing similar risks as Tide Pods. The bill, The Innocence Defense Effort (TIDE), will roll out an education campaign to help teenagers and similar at-risk populations to make wiser, informed choices about product consumption. Among other things, TIDE will cover the apparently not-so-obvious dangers of eating the aforementioned detergent, JUUL pods, and other items that create allegedly hidden risks to young and impressionable consumers. Senator Washington is thankful for the advocacy of the Moms Against Everything (MAE) group in bringing this issue to his attention.
“We’re all grateful that Senator Washington is so responsive to the concerns of his constituents,” said Joan Callender, the self-appointed president of MAE. “There’s nothing more noble than protecting our most vulnerable citizens! A vote for TIDE is a vote for our future!”
The bill will be sent to the office of Governor Patrick Henry for further consideration and potential approval.
Present
angaylica: the brain cells i lost writing that...whew chile
dmadisin: SLIJDFLJ WHERE’S GEORGE
dmadisin: THE AMERICAN ONE
dmadisin: DOES HE STILL HAVE THE DRAFT
heavens2betsey: IJDFKJS THE DRAFT WAS LIKE 400 “ALLEGEDLY”s , 900 “OBVIOUSLY”s,
heavens2betsey: ALL THE SUBTLE DRAGS EVER
angaylica: CAN YOU BELIEVE HOW FUCKING STUPID IT IS THAT THERE WAS A BILL ONT HAT
margaritaville: to be honest i HAVE always wanted to eat a tide pod. the Squish,,
angaylica: oh shut up you stupid adolescent FUCK
margaritaville: please,,,, i am jus a little creacher,,, when i see something that looks like it will have good mouthfeel,, i eat it
h0rsefucker: this just in i hate peggy for suggesting that tide pods might potentially have a MOUTHFEEL
h0rsefucker: they are SOAP
lagayette: IM GAGGING SKJDFKJSJ
lagayette: REMEMBER WHEN JOHN TOLD HIS DAD HE WAS DATING PEGGY
turtle: if anyone ever mentions this again…
lagayette: PLEASE BUT IT WAS SO FUNNY
You have entered the group: ‘schuyler squad’
angaylica: ok forget about john though are we not going to mention the fact that peggy n dolley and maria literally stopped dating like last year though after an EXTREMELY ill advised start to that whole relationship
margaritaville: NO WE’RE NOT?? honestly i can’t believe they’re still in the fucking chat but that’s another story
heavens2betsey: YOU were the one who said you wanted to be friends with them still??
December 15th, 2017
You have entered the group: ‘schuyler squad + 2’
margaritaville: ur probably all wondering why i have gathered u here today
turtle: why does it say schuyler squad + 2
margaritaville: we have our own sibling squad gc where we shit talk everyone else obvi
turtle: and me and ham are JUST NOW being added as honorary members?? GET FUCKED
margaritaville: i’ve literally called you here to talk about my thing?? so like?? do you mind??
turtle: ………………………….fine.
angel(ica): sup kiddo
margaritaville: angelica you are not and never will be the gay coded older sister from a 90s movie,,, please dont say sup kiddo?? thanks, management
angel(ica): au contraire ma sœur i am the BLUEPRINT for a gay coded older sister
heavens2betsey: hello angels
heavens2betsey: can you be gay coded if you’re just gay or??
angel(ica): EVERYONE STOP FOCUSING ON ME
angel(ica): I NEVER THOUGHT I’D SAY THAT BUT I DON’T WANT TO BE DRAGGED
margaritaville: stop focusing on u? my pleasure
margaritaville: especially since the entire purpose of this chat was to focus on ME!!
margaritaville: where’s hamilton
turtle: idk it’s like 2 pm he’s probably either at work or asleep?? friday is supposed to be his half day
heavens2betsey: at work i think actually? he said he had some drafts to finish
heavens2betsey: (when does he NOT have drafts to finish)
heavens2betsey: aren’t U supposed to be at work
turtle: im on the train i had to go to another HR office downtown to get some paperwork for a disciplinary action hearing
margaritaville: omg i hope it’s that jefferson is getting fired for vaping in the office
turtle: we ALL hope that except it’s not
turtle: but it is my greatest hope and dream that he someday will
angel(ica): seconded
heavens2betsey: thirded
heavens2betsey: anyway peggy why have u called us all here today
heavens2betsey: i know u wanted someone to ask
margaritaville: i did and thank u v much for making that dream a reality x
heavens2betsey: my pleasure!
margaritaville: SOOO like me and dolley and maria are like...not a thing anymore i don’t think
angel(ica): OH MY GOD WHAT??
heavens2betsey: ARE YOU OKAY
turtle: press f to pay respects
margaritaville: JDFKLJSKFJ
margaritaville: i press B to accept respects
heavens2betsey: can we get uhhh literally any context for this earth shattering admission or??
margaritaville: well. first of all. why did i think it was a good idea to date two people who have already been in a committed relationship for 2 years when i have a severe inferiority complex and also one of those people is ALREADY ALSO MARRIED?
turtle: well yeah i wasn’t gonna say it but
margaritaville: so that’s ONE thing we’re sort of dealing with over here
angel(ica): coolcoolcoolcool gotcha
angel(ica): im really sorry peggy that sounds really painful
margaritaville: it was. fine. and i think. we will still be friends
heavens2betsey: don’t put any pressure on yourself sweetheart this is really soon to start thinking about that
You have entered the group: ‘dumbass clowns’
margaritaville: we can still be friends, right?
mariacarey: of course!!
margaritaville: and it won’t be weird?
dmadisin: never ♡
margaritaville: :)
You have entered the group: ‘schuyler squad + 2’
margaritaville sent an image: filesandinformation-dolleymaria.jpg
margaritaville: well
turtle: oh you a MASOCHIST masochist huh
margaritaville: fuck off john i just don’t want this to make anything in the main chat awkward
turtle: oh yeah there’s absolutely nothing awkward about you putting insane pressure on all 3 of you to remain in constant contact instead of allowing everyone to get some space from the issue and heal
turtle: ESPECIALLY you considering your BOATLOAD of insecurities i mean i really have to laugh
margaritaville: SEE THIS IS WHY THE OG SCHUYLER SQUAD WAS JUST 3 PEOPLE LAURENS
heavens2betsey: john,,, i love you but that was too much
turtle: IM SO SORRY
turtle: F to pay further respects bc i’ve just fucked up
margaritaville: JSJDSJSJK
angel(ica) sent an image: thatwasembarrassing-mariahcarey.jpg
angel(ica): you don’t have to talk about it anymore if you don’t want to peggy
angel(ica): and if u want us to hit them with the BLOCC we will do so instantly
heavens2betsey: obvi
margaritaville: no it’s okay it’s no one’s fault sometimes these things just don’t work out
turtle: would u like to get dinner and talk about it
margaritaville: yes
2:00 AM
December 16th, 2017
You have entered the group: ‘schuyler squad + 2’
margaritaville: AND IJUST FEEL LIKE SOMETIMES IT’S SPECIFICALLY SOMEOME ELSES FAULT--NTO MY FAULT, BUT SOMEONES
whambamthankuham: where did u guys go im watching peggy cry into their pizza
heavens2betsey: IT’S BEEN TWO SECONDS I JUST WENT TO TOUCH UP MY LIPSTICK
angel(ica): I WENT WITH JOHN TO GET ANOTHER BEER WHAT IS HAPPENIGN
whambamthankuham: the dam broke on peggy’s repressed feeligns LDFSILJDFLISDJFILji
turtle: well that only took like. 8 hours. that’s a record
margaritaville: IMFMEMFL FIITS MNOMT M Y FAULT
angel(ica): oh my GOD PEGGY GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND STOP CRY TYPING WE’RE COMING BACK JESUS H CHRIST
Present
You have entered the group: ‘hamsquad’
turtle: we will NOT discuss the straightening of 2017-18. that was a disaster
margaritaville: WHY ARE U CALLING IT THE STRAIGHTENING LIKE A HORROR MOVIE IM CHOKING
lagayette: SOMEONE FIND THE BITCHY EMAIL FROM JOHN’S DAD
turtle: thank GOD we left that old fuck in the past i can never do that againw
whambamthankuham: here’s the thing i actually thought that more of these flashbacks were going to be about me? like “oh here’s the time i took hamilton to lunch” or “here’s a picture of me and alex at a museum”
whambamthankuham: yknow like stuff about ME?? because it’s my BIRTHDAY??
lagayette: be quiet alex this isn’t about u
whambamthankuham: I--
h0rsefucker: ANYWAY WE SHOULD ABSOLUTELY NOT FIND THE EMAIL
jayz: what was the email
angaylica: jay you only show up for the tea you messy bitch
jayz: hell yeah hell yeah hell yeah fuckin RIGHT HELL YEAH
turtle: shut uuUUUuUuuuUUUPPP SDIFKJSDLFKj
turtle: okay here’s the tea then
turtle: i falsely told my dad i was dating peggy so that was a bad idea to begin with because peggy passes about as well as i do, which is to say not really at all
margaritaville: i am trying my best you fuckwad
turtle: you’ve got an UNDERCUT peggy that’s like a blinking billboard reading “I A M G A Y”
margaritaville: i...did not come to be attacked JDFJKDKJFD and i was a REALLY GOOD STRAIGHT GIRL FOR YOU JOHN LAURENS PLEASE DON’T IMPUGN MY HONOR
turtle: fine you WERE and im proud of you
margaritaville: i made everyone call me margaret and i wore a KNEE LENGTH DRESS
jayz: where’s your fuckin oscar sis
margaritaville: THANK YOU KING
turtle: anywayyyy so we told my dad i was dating peggy and then there was a DISASTROUS thanksgiving dinner
turtle: well it wasn’t really thanksgiving it was like the dinner my dad does a day before thanksgiving so he can invite all his rich friends and be weird about all the cigars he owns
whambamthankuham: oh my GOD YES SOMETHING THAT I WAS ACTUALLY THERE FOR
whambamthankuham: yeah that was terrible though
jayz: why were YOU there
whambamthankuham: john’s dad likes me!! im CHARMING!! i CHARMED him
heavens2betsey: *LIKED you
heavens2betsey: i was there too
jayz: ………..why the past tense
whambamthankuham: wellllllll
turtle: shut up babe you’re gonna spoil the hook
jayz: WHAT HAPPENED
8:00 AM
November 22nd, 2017
You have entered the group: ‘john/peggy OTP’
margaritaville: laurens is our ship name jeggy??
turtle: peggy...if you say jeggy to me again i’ll cut my eyes out so i never have to read that
margaritaville: ...but paurens sounds bad
turtle: DO YOU KNOW HOW OLD MY DAD IS?? WE DON’T NEED A SHIP NAME I CAN PROMISE YOU THAT NO ONE IS GOING TO ASK
margaritaville: im method acting you judgmental shitweed
turtle: SHITWEED
margaritaville: SHAKESPEARE IS NOT THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN INVENT WORDS
margaritaville: shall i add liza and ham now
turtle: yeah
margaritaville has changed the group name to: ‘jeggy 4 lyf’
margaritaville has added whambamthankuham and heavens2betsey to the group: ‘jeggy 4 lyf’
margaritaville: welcome, john’s friends who are not dating him
margaritaville: it is me, john’s girlfriend--yes, i identify as a GIRL--and i am here to say that i am heterosexual
whambamthankuham: greetings, stepford peggy
margaritaville: no no no alexander i am...Margaret!
heavens2betsey: I JUST THREW UP IN MY MOUTH DFJKDFJSKF
margaritaville: GOD THAT HURT ME SO MUCH
whambamthankuham: the name peggy is not demonstrably gayer than the name margaret you could literally just be peggy this weekend yknow
margaritaville: no i need to slip into my role COMPLETELY
turtle: this is going to be a DISASTER
margaritaville: o ye of little faith...watch me work!
heavens2betsey: no like...we’re AFRAID to watch you work
margaritaville: this cannot possibly be that hard i’m literally so good at convincing old people i’m straight
turtle: you have to hide your undercut
margaritaville: OH WELL THE JIG’S UP
turtle: SHUT UP PEGGY YOU HAVE TO LEAVE YOUR HAIR DOWN OR MY DAD’S GONNA SUUSPECT YOURE AN ALTERNATIVE YOUTH
margaritaville: the HELL is an alternative youth
turtle: it’s a catch all for anyone who’s a vegan, has a piercing, a tattoo, votes democrat, etc
margaritaville: im passing out who are we kidding your dad is going to CLOCK! ME!
margaritaville: actually “alt-youth” would be a great band name though??
whambamthankuham: yall are terrifying me
turtle: WHEN DO YOU GET IN AGAIN IM SCARED
whambamthankuham: YOU KNOW WE’RE NOT GETTING IN TILL 3 STOP RUSHING ME
whambamthankuham: WE’LL BE DONE AT THE WASHINGTURNTS IN A LITTLE BIT
heavens2betsey: did you do literally any preparation before today???? im shook
margaritaville: it’s okay me and john--yes, he’s JOHN to ME, not LAURENS--did the thing in parent trap with the flash cards for family members and stuff we’re doing GREAT
heavens2betsey: i...are you though
margaritaville: john hold my phone...i must transform
turtle: for the viewers at home i’m holding their phone
heavens2betsey: okay...and what purpose does that serve
turtle: OH WE’RE IN BUSINESS BABY
turtle sent an image: a-heterosexual.jpg
heavens2betsey: oh peggy you look SO cute with your hair down my heart
margaritaville: please...it is MARGARET
whambamthankuham: you’re so pretty margaret we love a hetero
turtle: babe you can’t say “we love a hetero” or my dad will think you’re an alternative youth
whambamthankuham: john i AM an alternative youth and i know for a fact you find it incredibly hot
turtle: i know it’s very sexy and i could totally bust a nut to you only buying coconut milk but i need you to adjust that before you gET HERE AND WE HAVE TO BE STRAIGHT!!
margaritaville: you’re only supposed to be able to bust a nut to ME
heavens2betsey: this is scaring mE I--
margaritaville: i swear i’m the only one actually TRYING to pass smfh
heavens2betsey: you’re doing amazing sweetie
heavens2betsey: on a serious note we probably should’ve thanked you more for agreeing to this
margaritaville: john i’ll never understand why you couldn’t just say you were dating eliza who is 1) a woman and 2) your real girlfriend but okay
turtle: becAUSE MY DAD ALREADY KNOWS SHE’S DATING HAMILTON MARGARET GET YOUR FUCKING SHIT TOGETHER
margaritaville: OKAY CHRIST DON’T BE HOSTILE
margaritaville: omg john what if we have to kiss im going to gag
whambamthankuham: IM SCARED WHAT IF YOU GUYS ACTUALLY FALL IN LOVE
margaritaville: IM SICK
margaritaville: DO YOU REALLY THINK THAT WE’RE GOING TO FALL IN LOVE OVER THE COURSE OF ONE FAMILY DINNER WHERE WE’RE BOTH UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH TO PASS AS STRAIGHT WHEN NEITHER OF US IS
margaritaville: also like...laurens?? me in love with HIM?? i have to laugh sdjfksjfd ah ha ha HA!! (that was me having to laugh)
turtle: WHAT’S WRONG WITH ME???
margaritaville: i LOOOVVVEE you but your whole lanky stubbly art student thing is like...it just doesn’t hit the buttons that i need hit, okay
heavens2betsey: imagine being brutally rejected by your fake girlfriend im shook john was sniped from a rooftop
whambamthankuham: john babe your stubbly art student thing is the ONLY thing that hits my buttons
turtle: THANK you i’m so offended HONESTLY
margaritaville: WE’RE PULLING UP
turtle: SEE YOU ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE WAR
whambamthankuham: see u on the other side of the waaaaar
Present
You have entered the group: ‘hamsquad’
jayz: IM CHOKING WHAT HAPPENED NEXT
turtle: CHILL OUT JAY
jayz: I BET IT WENT HORRIBLY WRONG
jayz: WHO BLEW IT DID PEGGY BLOW IT?
margaritaville: oh get fucked jay
margaritaville: “did peggy blow it” absofuckinglutley NOT
theOGgeorge: That sounds exactly like something someone who blew it would say
margaritaville: I’VE NEVER BLOWN ANYTHING EXCEPT DICKS
theOGgeorge: THIS IS A VIRGIN SPEAKING CLEARLY
angaylica: IM DSFKASJDFKLJAKDSF
angaylica: PEGGY YOU’RE SO CUTE IM CRYING
angaylica: “i’m peggy! i’ve never blown anything except DICKS!” = “i have never participated in oral sex”
margaritaville: IF YOU DON’T GET OFF MY BACK CHILE I--
theOGgeorge: OSIJFSIOJ
heavens2betsey: THIS IS...TRAGIC
lagayette: IM IN TEARS
jayz: WHAT HAPPENED LAURENS!!!
turtle: ignoring peggy bc i feel bad for them
turtle: okay so
3:00 PM
November 22nd, 2017
You have entered the group: ‘jeggy 4 lyf’
whambamthankuham: WE OUT HERE
turtle: HELL YEAH WE OUTSIDE COME ON DOWN
whambamthankuham: OK SICK
heavens2betsey: john can u carry my suitcase
heavens2betsey: alexander is REFUSING to
turtle: how would i carry ur suitcase if im outside in the car
heavens2betsey: i don’t know i just wish you were inside so you could carry it
margaritaville: be strong eliza u can do it
heavens2betsey: thank u my child
turtle: also look...we have to eat crow
turtle: we’ve been at my dad’s house for the past like 6 hours or whatever and i literally got confused and thought margaret was straight till we left
margaritaville: OHHH FUCK YEAH BUDDY
margaritaville: WANNA KNOW WHAT’S FOR DESSERT
turtle: ...no
margaritaville: WANNA KNOW
turtle: please don’t
margaritaville: HUMBLE PIE, MOTHERFUCKERS
whambamthankuham: you are AWFUL SDFJLKDF
heavens2betsey: pop the trunk we’re outside
turtle: I SEE U
turtle: COMING TO CARRY UR SUITCASE
heavens2betsey: LOVE YOU
4:36 PM
turtle: holy shit yall this dinner sucks ass
margaritaville: don’t say that till you try the green bean casserole john
turtle: I MEANT IT SUCKS ASS BECAUSE I CAN’T BE HONEST WITH MY FAMILY ABOUT THE FACT THAT I’M GAY?
margaritaville: ohhh
margaritaville: SORRY THOUGHT YOU MEANT THE FOOD
margaritaville: CAUSE MISS GREEN BEAN IS POPPING TF OFF TONIGHT
heavens2betsey: HOW CAN YOU BE THINKING ABOUT FOOD AT A TIME LIKE THIS
margaritaville: I’LL TELL YOU HOW
margaritaville: EASILY
whambamthankuham: the potatoes are good too
turtle: ET TU?!!??!??!??????
whambamthankuham: john try a potato
whambamthankuham: PEGGY WHY DID U STEP ON MY FOOT
margaritaville: you can’t spoon feed MY BOYFRIEND a potato that’s homoerotic
whambamthankuham: fine. good call
whambamthankuham: IM GOING BLIND OH MY GOD PEGGY WHY DID YOU
You have entered the group: ‘hamsquad’
whambamthankuham: IM GOING TO SUE FOR EMOTIONAL TRAUMA I JUST HAD TO WATCH PEGGY FEED JOHN MASHED POTATOES OFF HER SPOON RIGHT AFTER SHE SAID I COULDN’T DO THAT
margaritaville: AND I LOOKED REALLY STRAIGHT WHILE DOING IT
heavens2betsey: I KNOW AND I WANT TO GAG
lagayette: why are you all at this dinner anyway it seems completely unnecessary
turtle: my dad said i could bring my friends
turtle: it’s just like a ton of rich old men and like 3 of my cousins anyway
margaritaville: what’s ur cousin nelly’s deal anyway
turtle: shut the hell up margaret you’re my girlfriend
dmadisin: this is so weird to read im
turtle: SORRY
margaritaville: I WAS JUST ASKING LIKE FOR THE FUTURE DON;T BE RUDE
margaritaville: alSO SORRY DOLLEY FJSKFJKSJD
dmadisin: LIVE UR TRUTH XOXO
turtle: i AM your future!!
heavens2betsey: are you getting offended over this for real
turtle: YES BECAUSE I KEEP GETTING REJECTED BY MY FAKE GIRLFRIEND
heavens2betsey: IM YOUR REAL GIRLFRIEND FORGET ABOUT YOUR FAKE GIRLFRIEND
lagayette: warm disaster
dmadisin: I’M DSFKJSJLKDF
angel(ica): oh my God what is wrong with yall seriously
theOGgeorge: This was such a bad idea...I’m embarrassed
turtle: FUCK OFF
angel(ica): U SHOULD HAVE STAYED HOME
angel(ica): WE ARE DOING FACE MASKS WITHOUT U
angel(ica) sent an image: therealsquad.jpg
turtle: WHAT
whambamthankuham: WHY ARE YOU ALL THERRE
lagayette: you literally left so like what should we have done
lagayette: WE’RE NOT JUST THE HAMSQUAD
h0rsefucker: YEAH ALEX WE HAVE LIVES WIHTOUT U
whambamthankuham: this chat is LITERALLY named after me yeah FUCKING RIGHT you have lives without me HA i am your GOD
angel(ica): watch your step or i’ll remove you
whambamthankuham: yes maam sorry
whambamthankuham: laurens wanna ditch dinner and go find a linen closet to make out in
turtle: yeah
heavens2betsey: WAIT FOR ME
margaritaville: NO
margaritaville: U CAN’T DO THIS TO ME
margaritaville: damn it
margaritaville: they all left
margaritaville: i wish i was there with u guys
theOGgeorge: Make better choices next time.
margaritaville: FUCK OFF YOU MOLDY OLD WANKER
theOGgeorge: Good slang usage!
margaritaville: thank u
margaritaville: i hate john laurens
lagayette: JOIN THE CLUB
6:17 PM
You have entered the group: ‘jeggy 4 lyf’
heavens2betsey: peggy are you getting the bags
margaritaville: yeah
margaritaville: get laurens outside
heavens2betsey: the car’s unlocked come downstairs
margaritaville: yeah ill be right there
margaritaville: should we get ice for his hand??
heavens2betsey: we’ll have to find something later we should just go
margaritaville: okay
margaritaville: fucking hell
margaritaville: im coming down
Present
You have entered the group: ‘hamsquad’
turtle: and so that’s the story of how my dad discovered me in the linen closet making out with alex and then he yelled at me and i broke his nose and then we left and went to a hotel and now i haven’t spoken to him in a year FJSJKDKJFJKDS
jayz: i…………………………….
jayz: well first of all im sorry that happened to you
turtle: thanks
turtle: i literally don’t know you at all but thanks
jayz: STOP
jayz: EVERYONE IN THIS CHAT IS SO FUCKING RUDE TO ME??
yrobdntsrvnt: hate to jump in here but that appears to be the whole fucking point of this chat
jayz: LAURENS I LITERALLY WAS SYMPATHIZING WITH YOU LIKE ONE SECOND AGO AND THEN YOU JUST /HAVE/ TO GO AND BE TERRIBLE…
turtle: LKJFLSKJDFKLSDJFLAKDJF SORRY IM JUST SAYING LIKE I DON’T EVEN REMEMBER HOW YOU GOT INTO THIS CHAT AND YOU’RE NOT REALLY EVEN /MY/ FRIEND,
turtle: sorry
turtle: im UNCOMFORATBLEE with human emotions JDFKLJSDJFILJ
jayz: it’s fine but you’re an asshole but that shit still blows my man i’m sorry
margaritaville: i still wish we could’ve egged his house
whambamthankuham: oh speak for yourself sis i did A YEAR AGO
turtle: WH--
whambamthankuham: did u REALLY think i had to make a mysterious and long grocery trip the day after your blowout fight with your shithole dad...that was EGGING TIME babey
turtle: iloveyoubaby-andifitsquitealrightineedyoubaby-cantgetenoughofyourlove.mp3
turtle: GOD you scurrilous little fuck i absolutely love you
turtle: INVENTED support! yalls faves were OUTSOLD!
turtle: seriously though JESUS CHRIST that sucked i hated it and 0/10 would never recommend
turtle: im just considering myself lucky that i have all of you guys to be my ACTUAL family whew chile the unconditional love!
angaylica: I LOVE U JOHN
angaylica: see and im allowed to say that because i actually know him jay
jayz: IF YOU DON’T SHUT YOUR DAMN MOUTH
turtle: i fuckING LOVE YOU ANGELICA SLDJFALJDF
angaylica: READ IT RIGHT
turtle: at the risk of repeating myself i cannot fucking read
turtle: angaylica
angaylica: thank you
whambamthankuham: i love u
whambamthankuham: that was a sad part of the past though
whambamthankuham: and if u think about it im really the villain in the driving action of that story and that’s not really what i wanted to reminisce on
turtle: oh shut UP
You have entered the group: ‘soulmate squad’
turtle: babe i gotta stop by work for a little bit
turtle: have to get an account set up for a new hire im sorry :(
turtle: don’t hate me
turtle: we will celebrate more when i get back??
whambamthankuham: it’s okay!!
whambamthankuham: love you
turtle: LOVE U SO MUCH!!
heavens2betsey: okay so here’s my idea for while john is gone
heavens2betsey: first we have sex
whambamthankuham: okay love that good start
heavens2betsey: then we go iceskating!!
whambamthankuham: STOP THAT’S SO CUTE YEAH
turtle: wait but i wanted to have sex??
whambamthankuham: #letlaurensfuck2k19
heavens2betsey: WELKJFKSJL
heavens2betsey: [to the tune of give luigi a gun] let laurens fuck
heavens2betsey: sorry but no you are going to be LATE
heavens2betsey: love ya go get dressed
turtle: i feel so much hate….
You have entered the group: ‘surprise squad’
turtle: HE DOESN’T SUSPECT A THING
lagayette: of course he doesn’t he’s chaotic stupid with rising oblivious
angaylica: IS THAT HOW ASTROLOGY WORKS??
lagayette: IM GAY ASTROLOGY WORKS HOWEVER THE HELL I WANT IT TO
lagayette: NEXT QUESTION
angaylica: ISJDFIJSFLJ
angaylica sent an image: thatseemswrong-butidontknowenoughtodisputeit.jpg
h0rsefucker: KJDFKJSKJDF
heavens2betsey: STOP TEXTING IN HERE HE’S GOING TO SEE ON MY PHONE
margaritaville: THEN TURN OFF THE NOTIFS ELIZA
heavens2betsey: right right
heavens2betsey: [i pretend to know how to do that but i don’t]
margaritaville: IT’S IN SETTINGS IM GAGGING
margaritaville: YOU ARE AN OLD WOMAN
angaylica: WAIT THEN WHAT DOES THAT MAKE ME
theOGgeorge: …
angaylica: you shut up right this second george william frederick i will KICK your ass
theOGgeorge: GOD OKAY SORRY
turtle: ...are we all just going to pretend we knew george’s full name was george william frederick
jmadisin: im so shook
mariacarey: I
mariacarey: george william frederick
mariacarey: remember when i saiid i would go straight for george and his name is george william frederick
mariacarey: i said i would be straight for someone with three first names and u all just let me say that??
margaritaville: KLDJLKFS
angaylica: IODJSIFJSIEJROAWIJ
dmadisin sent a gif: griffinmcelroy-thisisprayer.gif
theOGgeorge: I’m being cyberbullied
grgwshngturnt: Hello! Can someone send me the address for the party again?
heavens2betsey: GOERGE WHAT HAPPEEND TO U
lagayette: ^???
turtle: YOU HAVEN’T BEEN IN HERE FOR TEN YEARS DID U DIE
grgwshngturnt: I...have a real job…
grgwshngturnt: Laurens, so do you.
grgwshngturnt: And Angelica...and Lafayette...You ALL work for me… Why are you asking me...this...Do any of you even know when the legislative session started??
angaylica: YEAH I KNOW I WORK FOR YOU BUT IM ALSO IN THIS CHAT 24/7
angaylica: I TAKE MY PHONE INTO THE SHOWER WITH ME JUST IN CASE
h0rsefucker: to be fair whenever you look away for like… a second… someone gets engaged or breaks up or moves countries to hang out with their friends more
margaritaville: the drag
dmadisin: we were attacked
mariacarey: my wig??
lagayette: WAIT BUT
lagayette: DON’T ACT LIKE OUR SUDDEN ENGAGEMENT IS A BAD THING
theOGgeorge: Nobody’s perfect, Pericles, you of all people should know that
theOGgeorge: I won’t be dissed for moving countries
theOGgeorge: I DIDN’T EVEN REALLY MOVE HERE I STILL HAVE LIKE THREE HOUSES ELSEWHERE
h0rsefucker: if the shoe fits wear it ksjejfkjs
theOGgeorge: MYFAMILYBUILTTHISCOUNTRY.JPEG
deartheo: sorry i was feeding theo
deartheo: like my baby not myself sdkjflj
deartheo: george...you monarchist fuck how many times do we have to teach you this lesson old man
deartheo: no one gives a shit if your family built this country you will lie down and take the dragging like the rest of us do
mariacarey: THEO
mariacarey: EXTREMELY SEXY OF YOU TO USE THE TEACH THE OLD MAN THIS LESSON MEME TWICE IN ONE DAY AND ALSO VERY FITTINGLY
yrobdntsrvnt: can you GET YOUR OWN DAMN WIFE AND BACK OFF MINE??
turtle: wait why is burr in here
turtle: I DIDN’T PUT BURR IN HERE WHY IS HE IN HERE
heavens2betsey: you invited theodosia
heavens2betsey: so i had to put burr in here bc she doesn’t rlly go places without him
deartheo: FUCK YEAH WE ARE OLD BORING MARRIED PEOPLE
deartheo: THREE CHEERS FOR BEING ATTACHED AT THE HIP
yrobdntsrvnt: HIP HIP HOORAY
yrobdntsrvnt: GET IT? BECAUSE ATTACHED AT THE HIP > THREE CHEERS > HIP HIP HOORAY AS IN THREE CHEERS BUT ALSO HIP AS IN ANATOMICAL?
theOGgeorge: ...Why IS Burr in here
yrobdntsrvnt: i can see these you know
dmadisin: yeah that’s KIND OF THE POINT BUDD
dmadisin: get it? because budd > as in buddy > but also as in erin budd > like in that RPF of you and your weird sex life
yrobdntsrvnt: too soon
turtle: IM SIOJDFI
margaritaville: BURR FOUND DEAD IN A GUTTER
mariacarey: ERIN BUDD’S CORPSE WASHED UP IN THE HUDSON YESTERDAY,
heavens2betsey: YALL HAVE TO STOP THIS OR EVERYONE EXCEPT LIKE 4 OF US IS GOING TO LEAVE THIS CHAT
lagayette: A Cleansing…………
lagayette: also eliza Grow Up do you really think anyone is going to leave this chat we already tried unsuccessfully MULTIPLE TIMES to run james out of here for being a furry
jmadisin: OH FUCK OFFFFFF
July 29th, 2017
You have entered the group: ‘hamsquad’
jmadisin: greetings, loved ones!
lagayette: fuck off you fucking furry
jmadisin: I LITERALLY JUST WOKE UP
lagayette: ARE YOU OR ARE YOU NOT A FURRY? YES OR NO? BE HONEST
theOGgeorge: Own up to your sins, or perish for your cowardice like a whimpering dog in the streets.
jmadisin: IM. LITERALLY TERRIFEID
lagayette: IM FUCKIGN SHAKING
h0rsefucker: THIS IS THE MOST SCARED IVE EVER BEEN IN MY ENTRE LIFE
theOGgeorge: I’M SO SORRY
theOGgeorge: I FORGOT THAT MY CAPITALIZATION AND MY PUNCTUATION WOULD MAKE THAT SEEM...MORE THREATENING THAT I WANTED IT TO
dmadisin: george PLEASE do not kill me just because im legally married to james i want NOTHING to do with him and his furry agenda
jmadisin: I HAVEN’T BEEN A FURRY SINCE FRESHMAN YEAR IM SHAKING IM SO SCARED IM SO SORRY IM SO SORRY
mrthwshngturnt: you FURRY FUCK
jmadisin: IM SHAKING
heavens2betsey: OH FOR GOD’S SAKE MARTHA READ THE ROOM
December 25th, 2017
You have entered the group: ‘hamsquad’
jmadisin: morning kids
jmadisin: merry christmas and happy holidays to those who don’t celebrate christmas!
mariacarey: oh my God james can you not bring your furry bullshit into this chat right now
jmadisin: WHAT?? I JUST SAID MERRY CHRISTMAS??
h0rsefucker: we’re all sick of it james the bible says adam and eve not adam and hedgehog suit
jmadisin: WHAT IS HAPPENING RIGHT NOW
margaritaville: ban the furry, ban the furry, ban the furry,
angel(ica): ban the furry,
turtle: BAN THE FURRY
jmadisin: IM SO SCARED
January 1st, 2018
You have entered the group: ‘hamsquad’
jmadisin: HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE
whambamthankuham: james if you don’t shut your ragged furry ass up
jmadisin: IM
jmadisin: I GUESS I’LL JUST GO
yrobdntsrvnt: show yourself out
jmadisin: OH MY GOD EVEN BURR IS IN ON IT??
deartheo: JUST GO JAMES
jmadisin: BOTH BURRS ARE IN ON IT?!!?!?
May 26th, 2018
You have: (1) New Notification from loml
loml: THOMAS wanna get lunch today? remind me when your lunch break is
T Jeff: u are SUCH a furry
loml: I’VE DONE NOTHIGN TO U
T Jeff: ADMIT UR SINS
loml: I JUST LOVE YOU AND WANT TO GET LUNCH NOT EVERYTHING HAS TO BE ABOUT ME BEING A FURRY I M CHOKIN
T Jeff: it’s 12:30-1:30 u furry fuck
loml: im going 2 kermit
loml: ill pick you up at 12:30
T Jeff: that’s fine i love you
T Jeff: furry
loml: STOP I--
January 1st, 2019
You have entered the group: ‘hamsquad’
jmadisin: HAPPY NEW YEAR AGAIN GUYS I LOVE YOU ALL AND IM SO HAPPY WE GET TO RING IN A NEW YEAR TOGETHER!!
jayz: great the furry’s back
jmadisin: WHY IS HE EVEN IN HERE
turtle: yeah keep talking furry ur on thin ice
jmadisin: BUT UR NOT EVEN FRIENDS WITH HIM?
lagayette: YEAH BUT HE’S NOT A FURRY
jmadisin: I FEEL UNSAFE
theOGgeorge sent an image: ItsWhatSheDeserves-ParisHilton.jpg
jmadisin: IM
angaylica: IT IS!!
angaylica: BAN THE FURRY, BAN THE FURRY,
mrthwshngturnt: You will face justice, James.
heavens2betsey: MARTHA FUCKING QUIT IT YOU’RE SCARING HIM!!
Present
You have entered the group: ‘hamsquad’
heavens2betsey: oh my God looking back on this we’ve literally all made threats on james’s life im shook
jmadisin: YEAH WHY IS EVERYONE JUST NOW REALIZING THIS
whambamthankuham: it’s what u DESERVE furry
lagayette: we can probably just give it up he’s never going to leave
jmadisin: why does everyone want me to leave!!
angaylica: james has our targeted bullying campaign taught you literally nothing
dmadisin: we all want u dead bc ur a furry
mariacarey: and ur boyfriend vapes constantly
mariacarey: what happened to thomas anyway
whambamthankuham: i permanently let thomas catch the blocc KLDJFLSJFL
whambamthankuham: i just feel like i rlly didn’t want to bring any negative energy in to the new year ://
turtle: and yet we still have you in this chat...really makes u think
whambamthankuham: JOHN. YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO BE AT WORK
whambamthankuham: and you DARE TO BRING THIS HATRED IN ON MY BIRTHDAY
turtle: im sorry i just find it really fun and hot to bully you
turtle: it’s so easy you just offer yourself up
whambamthankuham: this dynamic is not supposed to leave the bedroom ://
theOGgeorge: I’M CHOKING
margaritaville: I WENT BLIND
margaritaville: I HAVE LAURENS SYNDROME I CAN’T READ I CAN’T RE
heavens2betsey: they’re so brave they were sniped before they could finish ILDJFSI
dmadisin: ISN’T WASHINGTON IN THIS CHAT
dmadisin: WHY ARE YALL IKE THIS
angaylica: I am now in a coma and am no longer responding to stimuli,
whambamthankuham: GO TO WORK YOU WRETCHED BEAST!!
turtle: IM GOING IM JUST SAYING,
whambamthankuham has sent an image: i-was-threatened.jpg
whambamthankuham: i am this chat’s most bullied public enemy
h0rsefucker: hamilton fits every square on that energy alignment chart of feral, fucks to survive, evades taxes, dumbass, hates the irish, etc
h0rsefucker: yet he still claims to be most bullied
h0rsefucker: when we all know it is ME
jmadisin: YOU SERIOUSLY BOTH THINK YOU’RE THE MOST BULLIED? STILL
mariacarey: oh my God you furry not everything is about your furry shit
h0rsefucker: yeah shut up furry
whambamthankuham: ^
jmadisin: i………..
jmadisin: i literally am one step away from crytyping every time im in here LJDFILSJFIOEWH
heavens2betsey: alex can u GET OFF UR PHONE im trying to bring u HOT COCOA AND UR NOT EVEN PAYING ATTENTION
whambamthankuham: IM LITERALLY IN OUR ROOM ALONE HOW AM I NOT PAYING ATTENTION?? YOU AREN’T IN HERE
heavens2betsey: WELL I’M STILL IN THE KITCHEN BUT I’LL BE THERE IN A SECOND SO GET READY TO PAY ATTENTION!!
lagayette: do yall think this is a sex thing
margaritaville: SHUT UP YOU SLIMY FRENCH FUCK
lagayette: IS THIS HOW IT FEELS TO BE JAMES??
5:48 PM
You have entered the group: ‘surprise squad’
turtle: ELIZA WE ARE IN POSITION!
heavens2betsey: we are EN ROUTE!
heavens2betsey: EVERYONE BE COOL
lagayette: WE ARE COOL
h0rsefucker: babe she means emotionally
h0rsefucker: physically we are cool bc we’re at an ice skating rink but like. in ur heart be cool
lagayette: FJFSJSFJ
lagayette: I MEAN IT BOTH WAYS WE ARE COOL
heavens2betsey: GOD I LOVE YOU LAFAYETTE ABSOLUTELY FUCKING SUPERB YOU FUNKY LITTLE CHAOTIC GAY
1:03 AM
January 12th, 2019
You have entered the group: ‘hamsquad’
whambamthankuham: IM DRUNK
whambamthankuham: AND I LVOE YALL SO MUCH I WOULD LITERALLY GIVE EVERY SINGLE PERSON IN HERE AN ORGAN. DOESN’T MATTER WHICH ORGAN I’LL JUST GIVE YOU ONE YOU CAN PICK
jmadisin: we love you :)
whambamthankuham: except for fucking james he can’t have an organ
jmadisin: OH MY GOD
mrthwshngturnt: love you my son
theOGgeorge: I’ll take one of your eyes
margaritaville: george you are literally like fucking orin from parks and rec when youre drunk i fucking hate you
theOGgeorge: I’M SORRY
theOGgeorge: HE OFFERED HIS ORGANS SO I THOUGHT THAT’S WHAT WE WERE DOING
angaylica: ur so fuckin weird
theOGgeorge: JFSKJFSKJ
whambamthankuham: george are you sure my eyes are the organ you want because i have another organ,,,,
deartheo: literally. i have a child. i can’t be reading these
turtle: YOUR CHILD IS NOT READING THESE
turtle: wHAT MAKES IT WRONG FOR YOU TO READ THEM IM
deartheo: i breastfeed you ignorant toad she’s getting the filth that way
yrobdntsvrnt: theodosia sr you’re not even drunk what excuse do you have for speaking like this
h0rsefucker: AM I CRAZY FOR WANTING A T SHIRT THAT SAYS “I BREASTFEED, YOU IGNORANT TOAD”
deartheo: WHY DID U CALL ME THEODOSIA SR IM STILL YOUNG I’M SPRIGHTLY I’M YOUTHFUL!!
yrobdntsrvnt: yes you are and so beautiful and smart and funny and kind and i love you!!
heavens2betsey: yall burr is dad drunk rn
yrobdntsrvnt: HOW DARE YOU ACCUSE ME OF THIS
mrthwshngturnt: is it an accusation if it’s true?
yrobdntsvrnt: martha how come you only have time to come in here when you want to be mean
mrthwshngturnt: new year same me
theOGgeorge: IS MARTHA ME?
mariacarey: like we need two of you
theOGgeorge: Fuck off, Maria, you’re a furry by association
mariacarey: TAKE THAT BACK YOU MYSTERIOUSLY DAMP SEAT ON THE A TRAIN AT 9:30 AM ON A COLD DAY
theOGgeorge: That was...so specific I’m actually scared
whambamthankuham: IM DRUNK
turtle: really?
whambamthankuham: YES!
angaylica: shcokgni news
angaylica: oh fuck
angaylica: *shocking
angaylica: hamilton is not the only drunk one FJSOJFJj
whambamthankuham: WANT TO KNOW SOMETHING
heavens2betsey: yeah
whambamthankuham: MY FAVORITE MEMORY
whambamthankuham: ALL MY FAVORITE MEMORIES
whambamthankuham: ARE THE ONES WITH ALL OF YOU
margaritaville: im soft
turtle: ANNNND he just threw up
turtle: narrowly missed my shoes
heavens2betsey: IM CRYING LAUGHING
margaritaville: THIS IS RIVETING
dmadisin: IMSIDJFIJ
jmadisin: HE’S GONNA BE SO EMBARRASSED WHNE HE WAKES UP
heavens2betsey: yeah
heavens2betsey: but that’s okay
heavens2betsey: cause we love him
1:13 AM
January 12th, 2019
You have entered the group: ‘hamsquad’
heavens2betsey: I TAKE IT BACK HE THREW UP AGAIN AND IT DEFINITELY HIT MY SHOE
lagayette: NEW YEAR SAME US
turtle: SAME US FOREVER BABEY!
angaylica: GOODNIGHT!