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1.
“C’mon, guys, the great outdoors awaits!” Felix called happily, practically skipping to the front door where the group’s shoes resided. “It’s amazing weather today, not even that hot yet, we are not missing this chance. Everyone get your arses out the door.”
The other members gradually trailed from the kitchen into the front of the house, varying levels of lucidity present as some people (cough—Han Jisung—cough) did not take too well to waking up early to avoid the midday heat.
“I was thinking we could visit the zoo? It’s pretty close anyway, and we haven’t caught up with the animals here in a while, so maybe a gradual introduction would be better than seeing a snake or something just wandering in the brush, yeah? At least for the others,” Chan asked Felix, who responded with a hum of agreement. Chan crouched down to put his shoes on…except he didn’t.
He picked them up and smacked them together three times, hard, waiting a moment like he expected something to happen. Next to him he could see Felix doing the same things, and the leader dropped his shoes in excitement when he saw something fall from the depths of Felix’s footwear, leaning over to peer at the creature that tumbled out.
There were several un-manly shrieks as others scrambled away from the snake (a snake!) that fell onto the floor, the animal slithering to and fro nervously, but Chan and Felix just laughed. Felix opened the door and Chan nudged the little reptile out of the house and onto the warm concrete, cooing a little Goodbye! as it quickly dashed into the bushes.
“Well, I guess he preferred a quick introduction, huh?” Felix said with a grin, turning around to face the rest of the frazzled group. “That was honestly pretty tame. I swear, sometimes it’s like fighting a freaking war when I shake out my shoes; the number of little spiders hiding everywhere is unbelievable. We’re just lucky he wasn’t venomous or anything.”
And then he had the gall to laugh.
It was safe to say that everyone thoroughly checked their shoes before cautiously putting them on.
2.
“Bugspray, everyone! If we’re gonna cook out tonight you need it. No debating,” Chan called out, waving the bottle like it was the solution to every problem on earth.
“He’s right, you know,” Felix added, already turning the grill on and fiddling with the settings to get the heat right. “If you don’t protect yourself, the mozzies will absolutely maul you. Like, never-seen-before levels of pure agony. I remember when I was a little kid Rachel ignored my mum when she told her to put some on and the next week was hell for her. I felt bad, sure, but it was kind of funny, to be honest.”
He turned back, clicking the tongs in his hand like the chef he was, and frowned at everyone’s confused faces. “What? C’mon, put the spray on! Don’t dilly-dally, they’re gonna get you.”
“What’s a…mozzie?” Minho asked, testing out the unfamiliar word and trying to pronounce it correctly.
“Mosquitoes,” Chan interjected, spraying down Jisung’s arms and making sure nobody got any in their eyes. “Mozzies are mosquitoes. And Lix is right; they’re absolutely brutal out here. Not just at night. It’s horrible, really, I don’t think anyone’s ever hated an animal as much as we all hate mozzies.” Felix nodded absently, tying a protective apron on top of his clothes as he prepared to get the meat cooking.
A couple members paled and quickly reached for a spare bottle of the spray, applying a generous amount to any exposed skin.
In all honesty it probably still wouldn’t be enough, but Chan commended their dedication.
3.
“Alright. Your number one priority whenever you so much as think about going outside here is asking yourself, ‘Did I put on sunscreen?’ If the answer is no, first put your arse in park and then reverse right back inside. If the answer is yes, do it again; the first time probably wasn’t sufficient,” Chan said seriously, like he was giving a business talk to important partners and not to his little group of seven men all watching him in fascination (except Felix, who had already heard the same speech too many times from his own parents and friends). “The sun here is no joke, but luckily neither is our sunscreen. I wasn’t joking about applying more than one layer, but this stuff could probably ward off a bear. Actually, we don’t have bears here. A kangaroo—yeah, this could probably beat a kangaroo in a fight if you use it right and don’t get hit first.”
“Wow,” Hyunjin muttered under his breath, inspecting a bottle of sunscreen like it held the answers to the universe. “And I thought Korea was the master of sun protection.”
“Hoo boy, you thought wrong,” Felix said, putting his hat and sunglasses on. A faint sheen of sunscreen was still present on his skin, ready for war. “It’s no joke here. One of my mum’s friends once sprayed a spider in her bag with sunscreen, and she said it just…up and died right there. We are not playing, because neither is the sun.”
“We should take some home, then,” Jisung piped up. “Use it as protection against sasaengs, huh?”
“…Not a bad idea, actually.”
4.
“Wouldn’t it be hard to keep reminding kids to wear sun protection? Like, I know it’s important and stuff, but little kids are superbly good at ignoring people. Isn’t that dangerous long-term?” Jeongin had asked one day, out of the blue, as the group lounged around inside.
“Well, no. Parents just say, ‘Slip slop slap,’ and the kid listens. Fun to say and easy to remember, isn’t it?” Felix responded, flicking through videos on his phone and not looking up. Jeongin squinted at him, confused.
“How does that help? What does that even mean?”
“‘Slip’ on a shirt, ‘slop’ on sunscreen, and ‘slap’ on a hat. It was an old TV campaign, I think, trying to help prevent skin cancer.”
“It, like, blew up,” Chan called from where he was eating japchae in the kitchen. “I remember my parents telling me that whenever I said I wanted to go outside. It’s still super popular even though it came out in, like, 1981.”
“So you were alive when it came out, huh,” Seungmin snarked from his spot next to Jeongin, relishing in Chan’s shocked face and the way Felix snorted with laughter.
5.
“Everyone likes wearing hats around here, don’t they?” Changbin noted as the group walked around a supermarket. He was right; everywhere you looked there was a hat. Varying styles, of course, but still covering the whole face. “It’s making me feel kind of left out.”
Chan laughed at that, leaning over to grab a bottle of gochujang paste from the shelf and nodding approvingly. “Lix told you guys about ‘slip slop slap’ and hats go with that, obviously, but I remember being told, ‘No hat, no play, no fun today,’ an absurd amount as a kid. You probably aren’t safe if you wear just sunscreen, since the sun here is literally unreal, so hats are just an extra precaution everyone took and never really grew out of. Gotta teach ‘em young, you know.”
Changbin made an interested noise. “I still don’t really understand why everything has a little mantra for it, though. In Korea my eomma just said, ‘Put your hat on,’ and that was that.”
Chan rolled his eyes good-naturedly. “Well, not everyone can be a perfect little angel like you, Bin-ah. The easier something is to remember the more people will do it. Simple as that. And besides, you really don’t want skin cancer, so there’s no point in trying to get around sun protection.”
“That makes sense,” Changbin replied, and was quiet for a couple moments, thinking. “Also, if you asked my eomma if I was an angel, she would fervently deny that. But just know she’s lying.” Chan’s laugh was a bit louder than expected and Changbin could see a couple heads turn in their direction.
Everyone really is wearing a hat.
6.
“Okay everyone, dinner,” Felix said seriously, facing the members and staring them down. “What are our options tonight?”
There were several ideas tossed around but each ended up being shot down, either due to lack of interest or a craving for something else.
“If no one can choose anything, just pick up some Maccas, or something,” Chan called from the couch in the living room, not being included in the conversation since all he ever said in response to that question was, ‘I’ll eat whatever people don’t want’.
”Excellent idea, I second that, suggestion box closed. I’ll go pick some stuff up, what does everyone want?” Felix said, quickly hopping on board Chan’s suggestion.
“…What,” Minho said blankly, with an amusing lack of emotion in his voice. “What are you getting?”
“Maccas; y’know, fast food? It’s not healthy, sure, but it’s vacation. We can have this because I said so,” Felix responded, pulling up the website on his phone to look at the food options. He glanced up quickly, looked down, and looked back up when he saw too many strange looks being sent his way. “What? Why’s everyone looking like that? Maccas—oh, that’s right, my bad. You know it as McDonald’s. That.” He said the word like it felt weird in his mouth, an amusingly sour look on his face.
There were various ‘Oh’s and ‘Makes sense’s tossed up, and then people quickly said what they wanted.
“Can’t go wrong with Maccas, huh?” Chan said, amused, once everyone was done ordering.
Felix grinned. ”It’s never failed me before, hyung. It certainly wasn’t going to today.”
7.
“Hey, Lix? Can you come up to the production studio for a sec? Manager-hyung wanted to go over something with you,” Chan said, quietly talking over the phone with said manager next to him, fiddling with their songs. “Yeah, it’ll be quick. He just wants your opinion on something. Thanks, mate.” He hung up and turned back to the manager. “He’s coming, making his way up from the dance studio. He’ll be here soon.” The manager nodded in confirmation, and the duo waited in the near-soundproof room.
“Ah—I think I hear him,” and no sooner had Chan said it than a single knock was heard from outside the door, which then slowly swung open before closing as Felix stepped into the room. “Hey, Lix.”
“Hi, hyung. ‘Scarnon? What do you need me for?” Felix asked in English, walking over to lean on Chan’s studio chair, and the leader shrugged and turned to the manager…who was looking positively baffled. “Manager-hyung? Channie said you wanted my opinion, right?”
“Yes—sorry, I didn’t catch what you said when you walked in, so it startled me. That word—was that English or something else?” the manager asked, momentarily derailing his planned conversation in favor of clearing up the misunderstanding.
“Me? Uh…I don’t think I said anything odd? It was in English, but you’re fluent in that, so…?” Felix tilted his head in confusion, briefly resembling a kitten unsure of its surroundings. Chan, from his position below Felix, suddenly made a noise of realization and laughed to himself silently, and the dancer looked at him with confusion, having not caught on quite yet. “Hyung, tell me! What did I say?”
“You asked me what was going on, right Lix?” Chan responded in lieu of a proper answer, glancing at the manager who stared back blankly.
“Yeah, I did, I—oh. Oh, that makes sense. Hyung, you should’ve told me!” Felix flushed, turning back to the manager with red-tipped ears. “I apologize hyung, I was just asking what was going on. I said something that probably sounded like ‘Scarnon’, right? Sorry, Channie and I are so used to abbreviating it when we speak English to each other since it’s kind of like Aussie slang, you know? It completely slipped my mind, manager-hyung, I should’ve been more aware of it…Agh, that’s so awkward…” He trailed off, still looking guilty and embarrassed and fiddling with the edge of Chan’s chair.
“No, no, you’re fine, Felix,” the manager said, breaking out of his momentary stupor and waving it off. “I was confused, that was all. But things are cleared up now, so there’s nothing to linger on. And anyways, I brought you here to talk about the song…”
And later, when Chan brought the incident up to the other members, Felix slapped the leader’s arm, hid his face in his hands, and promptly disappeared from the room in embarrassment as Chan laughed, again.
8.
“Hiking time! Isn’t this exciting?” Felix said, practically jumping with excitement as the group trekked through a tree-covered path, the resident Aussies occasionally pointing out interesting flora and fauna or any odd animal they stumbled upon.
“Sure, hyung, whatever you say,” Seungmin deadpanned from where he was walking with Jeongin, and Changbin nudged his shoulder.
“Ignore him, Lix; I’m enjoying it,” the rapper proclaimed. “There’s so much to look at.”
“Right?” Felix exclaimed, already moving past Seungmin’s bored response. “Seungminnie, you’d better watch out! The drop bears are gonna get you, mark my words. They don’t like intruders, especially not noisy, rude ones like you.” He wiggled his fingers, mimicking claws tearing into something.
Seungmin stared at him in disbelief. “You’re just making stuff up at this point.”
“He’s not!” Chan jumped in with a grin. “If you’re not careful, they’ll fall from the trees above you—quick, silent killers. You gotta make sure you look everywhere when you’re hiking here—not even the trees are safe, y’know. That’s why Lixie and I periodically glance up—you don’t wanna get ambushed out here. But, luckily for you all, I always carry drop bear repellent on me.” And with that, he reached into his bag, and with a flourish, produced a jar of Vegemite.
Seungmin looked ready to rip his hair out.
“You’re kidding me,” Minho interjected, having been listening in on the conversation. “You guys have a genuinely unhealthy relationship with that…thing.” He spat the word out like it was a curse, and Chan and Felix recoiled like they’d been smacked.
“Don’t slander the name of the Vegemite!” Felix gasped dramatically. “Not only does it protect you from the drop bears if you put it behind your ears, but it’s great emergency food! And regular food, for that matter!”
“Ew,” Hyunjin proclaimed, the single word marking his only contribution to the conversation.
“You guys act all disgusted and grossed out, but when it’s your only choice, you’ll be eating your words,” Chan sighed in faux-resignation, before unscrewing the lid and poking his index finger on the top of the substance and sighing in exaggerated bliss when he ate it.
“Hyung! That’s so gross!” Jisung all but shrieked. “Your hands are so dirty!”
“Shh!” Felix quickly reprimanded. “Don’t be so loud. The drop bears will hear you.”
“I hate this stupid family,” Seungmin loudly announced as Jisung tried and failed to swat at Felix’s arm.
“The drop bears definitely heard that one.”
9.
“Whew! It’s warm today, huh?” Chan asked the group as they walked down the sidewalk.
“‘Warm’ doesn’t cut it, hyung. I’m pretty sure this is what hell feels like,” Hyunjin bemoaned, sweat dripping down his forehead, and the other members were quick to voice their assent.
“But today isn’t even that hot; like, you’ll feel it when it’s hot hot—it’s actually unbearable, even for us. On those days, you won’t see anyone outside—except the select few people wandering around without a shirt or shoes on. Those are Premium Australians; hyung and I aren’t quite there yet,” Felix mused.
“Oh, look over there Lix—the road gave out a little bit.”
Felix followed Chan’s pointing finger and made a noise of interest. “Yeah, you’re right. Haven’t seen that in a bit; wonder how long it’ll take to go back to normal.”
“You’re joking?” Jisung gasped in shock. “Chan-hyung! The road is literally melting! The road! How is that happening? And nobody’s worried?”
“Relax, Ji, it’s not even that weird.” Chan quickly dismissed the younger’s worry with a wave of his hand. “Happens most years. Usually someone will call the local police station or something and get the section roped off, if possible. Cars get stuck if they drive over it, but it’s just a natural consequence of living here. You’ll get used to it.”
“I don’t think so,” Jeongin muttered under his breath, starting at the melted puddle of asphalt in abject horror. “Hyunjin-hyung was right, I think this genuinely is hell on earth. It’s hot.”
Chan and Felix laughed, but didn’t say he was wrong.
10.
“Alright, your total is twenty-two dollars and forty three cents,” the cashier read off the machine, and Chan tapped his card to pay for the various sauces he bought to make some more traditional Korean meals. “Have a good one, mate.”
Chan echoed the statement and walked out of the store, Jisung in tow since he begged to come along and ‘Experience more of the culture’.
“‘Have a good one’? A good what? Why don’t you just say goodbye, telling someone to have something good is confusing, hyung,” Jisung stated as the duo walked back to the house.
“I dunno, that’s just how it is around here,” Chan responded, his bag of goods swinging with every step. “It’s really casual around here, as I’m sure you’ve noticed. It just kind of means have a good rest of your day, or a good whatever you’re on your way to do. It could have lots of meanings if you think really hard about it, but we don’t; that’s just how it works here. Besides, ‘Goodbye’ sounds so stuffy and formal and stuff, that’s more business-type settings.”
Jisung grumbled under his breath for a second. “Hyung, the culture’s confusing. I don’t know why I asked to come along, I don’t get all the stuff everyone finds so normal.”
“Ah, you’ll get there one day, Sung,” Chan said encouragingly, bumping his shoulder as they kept walking. “Try some Vegemite at home as a baby step, yeah?”
“Absolutely not.”
11.
“Hyung, Archie wants to talk to you,” Felix called, on the phone with their Australian manager, apparently talking about their concerts planned to happen in a week.
“Hm? Oh, really? Yeah, gimme the phone,” Chan said, and Felix handed the device over before going back to watching Changbin play some video game, the group relaxing in the living room before rehearsals later in the day as their tour’s Australian leg came up. “Hey, Archie, what’s up?… Yeah, we’re all good, good health and all that… Yes, manager-nim just talked to me the other day about set lists and clothes, we agreed on that stuff…” His voice took on a more confused note the longer he spoke, like he didn’t understand what was being asked. “…Well, we’re not here to fuck spiders, mate, what did you think we were doing? Yes, we’ll be at rehearsal later, like what’s been in the schedule for five months. Alright, talk to you later, have a good one.” He hung up and gave the phone back to Felix.
“Hyung! Hyung, that was rude!” Seungmin spoke up, aghast. He wasn’t the only one; both Minho and Jisung were looking at the leader like he committed some kind of grave sin. “He’s the manager, won’t you get in trouble for talking to him like that?”
“…No?” Chan said, visibly confused. “That’s how I always talk to him. He’s an Aussie, there’s no bad blood or anything.”
“But you said—what was it? ‘Fuck spiders’, or something? That sounds really rude,” Jeongin questioned, looking up from his own phone.
“Nah, Chris is fine, that just how we talk here,” Felix chimed in. “He was just saying that whatever they were talking about should’ve been obvious. It’s like a, ‘Well, what else would I be doing?’ kind of thing. Just slang, but I guess it does sound kind of aggressive.”
“Everyone curses a lot over here,” Chan said, nodding along to Felix’s explanation. “Informal, remember? Some words over here just don’t carry the same meaning they do back home. But,” he quickly added, staring at his members who were now all looking at him, “that does not mean you can go around cursing at managers back home; you will absolutely get in trouble and I am not bailing you out.” Minho suddenly looked much sadder than before. Chan stared at him, exasperated.
“Minho-yah. Don’t.”
12.
“Hey, Lix, do you have a time frame for when we should pick up lunch?” Chan asked the younger, reviewing the day’s schedule on his phone. “We have rehearsal at, like, 3:30, so it’s gotta be earlier than that.”
“Nah, any time in the arvo’s fine with me, Chris,” the dancer called back. “Just make sure we have enough time to digest everything before dancing, yeah?” Chan hummed in agreement, tapping his screen a couple times, probably fitting the meal in somewhere.
“‘Arvo’? What’s that?” Hyunjin piped up, having just finished a quick painting session in the living room. He placed his canvas in the windowsill to dry before turning back to Felix, expecting an answer.
“It’s the afternoon, Jinnie,” Chan explained in Felix’s stead. “Just a little abbreviated. Like how we say ‘Oz’ for ‘Australia’ or ‘brekkie’ for ‘breakfast’.”
Hyunjin made a face. “You guys abbreviate everything, don’t you?”
Felix laughed. “Yeah, but it makes things fun! Adds a little flair to everything, right?”
“More like it complicates everything,” the dancer muttered. “I never know what anybody’s saying, they speak so fast. And here I thought Changbin-hyung spoke quickly.”
“Did someone say my name?” the rapper called from the second floor where he was…working out, or something.
“Jin said you have a big mouth and you never stop talking,” Chan relayed, laughing when Hyunjin whirled to him with shock.
“I did not say that!”
“Yes, he did,” Felix affirmed, and withheld a devious grin when Hyunjin turned his attention to him.
“Better run, Jin-ah! I’m gonna force feed you some Vegemite if I catch you!” Changbin threatened. Hyunjin’s face turned a comedic shade of white as he heard Changbin coming down the stairs. He darted out the door, Changbin not far behind him, brandishing the food jar in his hand like a weapon.
Later, when the duo returned, sweaty and out of breath, Hyunjin flopped onto the couch dramatically.
“I stand by my previous opinion. Vegemite sucks. Zero out of ten.”
“I’d be careful saying that around Chan-hyung or Lixie,” Changbin said triumphantly, having placed the jar on the kitchen counter. “They’d just give you some more.”
It was amusing how quickly the blood drained from Hyunjin’s already worn-out face.
13.
“Alright, Chan-hyung, Lix. We’ve compiled our List of Questions to Ask Australians. Here it is,” Jisung announced, waving a piece of paper in the air before bringing it back so he could read it. “Number one: Is it sunny every day here?”
Chan gestured for Felix to answer. “Yes. Absolutely. Three hundred sixty-five days a year, every day without fail it is sunny. That’s why we have entire cabinets dedicated to sunscreen; you’ll never catch a single drop of rain or any snow over here. Never.” His face was serious, like it was carved from stone.
Jisung squinted at him, like he wasn’t sure if he was lying or not, and Jeongin grabbed the paper from his hands to read the next question. “Number two: will every animal here kill me?”
“Oh yeah,” Chan said easily. “Without a question. You see any animal out here, it’s a good idea to just book it. The more you live here, the better you’ll get at identifying specific species, but we really just categorize them on a tier list going from A little venomous to Dead in two seconds. That’s why we’re always telling you to keep an eye out for wildlife, you might not know what the animal is, but it will, at the very least, hurt you, so keep a good distance.”
Jeongin nodded apparently satisfied, and Hyunjin read the next one. “Number three: What actually exists in the outback?”
“Nothing. That’s it. Miles and miles and miles of pure, dusty, nothing,” Felix responded with a straight face. “It’s an introvert’s paradise, except you’ll get lost, so maybe not.”
“My turn!” Changbin called. “Number four: Can everyone here surf?”
“Oh yeah, definitely,” Chan said confidently, expertly ignoring Felix’s tiny snort. “You know, back in primary school, the kids will get taken on routine trips to the beaches and then they’re just taught right there, on the spot, how to surf. Gotta teach ‘em while they’re still young. It’s like a life skill.”
Changbin made a contemplative face, and Minho stole the paper to read off it. “Number five: Do you ride kangaroos to work?” The one actually got a laugh from Felix, but he pulled himself together quickly.
“Yes. It’s the main mode of transportation here. They’re so abundant, so it’s like, why not? And sometimes you’ll form a special bond with a certain kangaroo, like wizards and wands in Harry Potter, and they’ll just follow you everywhere and go to the store for you and it’ll just know what you need. I remember my first kangaroo, Hopper…I got him on my first day of kingergarten.” He made a show of wiping a tear from his eye. “Ah, memories.”
“Alright, last question,” Seungmin spoke up. Out of everyone, he looked the least convinced of the Aussies’ antics. He leaned forward seriously, “Number six: Are drop bears real?”
And Chan’s and Felix’s twin snorts of uncontrolled laughter was all the answer they needed.