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It had been fun, Johanna told herself the next morning, as she scrubbed the day old makeup off of her face. It had been fun. She had a good time. She had been the one to initiate things.
Who had taken her out? It had been Enobaria, and Cashmere, and Finnick had been there too, with a few of the good Capitols they knew. But maybe, she wondered later, if there wasn’t really such a thing. Sarahfina had seemed nice. She smelled like vanilla and tobacco and those had used to be two of Johanna’s favourite scents. Eurydice had used to wear vanilla perfume and sometimes when Johanna felt sad, she drowned herself with the stuff, trying to squeeze comfort from the past. She didn't think she'd be able to do that any more.
But now, as she turned the water up as hot as could be, she felt nauseated. She didn’t want to smell them any more. Why was she feeling like this? Why did she feel this, when she had loved how Sarahfina smelt the night before?
Her friends had left. It was the first time she had met Sarahfina. Enobaria had tried to convince her to leave the club with the rest of them. " But I’m having fun,” Johanna had said, with Sarahfina’s arms around her neck. “I’m fine.”
Enobaria had not argued, and Johanna didn’t fault her for that. She knew she wasn’t exactly someone who could be argued with, not when she had made her mind up about something. Especially when she was drunk. Her bad qualities were worse when she was drunk. She became unreasonable, stubborn without a chance of being persuaded. And so Enobaria had kissed her once on the cheek, told her to be careful, and got in the cab. Johanna didn’t watch as the cab drove away.
She was having too much fun.
And so when Sarahfina wanted another drink, she paid for both of them. She took the shots Sarahfina offered her, downed them one by one until the floor was swooping beneath her and the woman’s face in front of her became a pretty blonde blur. Sarahfina turned into someone vaguely familiar and Johanna had only wanted to kiss her. She had just wanted to kiss. It had been a long time since she had been kissed and Johanna had only wanted to kiss her.
Why had she gone along with the rest of it? Sarahfina had told Johanna if they wanted to stop, they could. Johanna hadn’t said yes, but she hadn’t said no either. Sarahfina kissed her and Johanna kissed her back.
Sarahfina helped her walk into the bathroom stall. Sarahfina locked the door. Johanna laughed and tried to form the name of the blurry blonde woman in front of her but found that she couldn’t. “You can tell me to stop,” Sarahfina said, but Johanna couldn’t seem to make the words appear.
And so when Sarahfina kissed lower and lower Johanna wasn’t sure what she had said. Maybe she had said yes. Maybe she hadn’t. The flashes came to her one by one as she wiped the makeup off her face in the mirror. Lipstick stains blurred at her neck and Johanna slathered them with makeup remover, watching the colours fade. Besides, she thought, she had touched Sarahfina too. She had enjoyed it. She had fun. If she couldn’t fully remember what happened, then why was she so certain it had been something bad?
She remembered after. She remembered sitting outside, Sarahfina blowing cigarette smoke into her face. She hadn’t enjoyed the kissing then. Sarahfina was a good kisser, but Johanna’s lips had felt like they belonged to someone else. She sniffed at the smoke curling around her, staring off into the distance as Sarahfina nipped and licked at her mouth.
She hadn’t said yes. But she hadn’t said no either. The lines were as blurry as Sarahfina’s face had been, and Johanna wasn’t sure if she had wanted it or not.
The water was scalding when she finally forced herself under it.