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Julius simply did not want sex.

That was the conclusion Subaru came to. It had been 8 months since they started dating; 8 months, and not once had they had sex. After 8 months, how had Julius not initiated a single act of sexual intimacy? This was the most rational reason right? Julius simply did not want sex. And that was fine; Subaru would not complain if it was his preference, but a little voice in the back of his mind told him Julius simply did not want him. If that was his preference, what could Subaru do, really? He gets it. Who would want to have sex with a constant burden who is so pathetically incompetent, he shamelessly leeches off of others? There was no way someone like him had any sort of sex appeal, so he gets it, really.

If only it didn't hurt so bad.

Subaru lay there, on his bed, rubbing his chest to soothe the sudden ache of his heart breaking. He always found it funny how you could feel your emotions in your organs.

So Subaru lay there, naked under his blankets after an attempt to get off, wondering what sex with Julius would be like. But he was seriously tired of getting off on what-if's. He wanted the real thing. He wanted Julius to want him like he did. He wanted to know everything about the way Julius acted in the haze of lust and desperation.

But unfortunately, Julius was an expert in sex-evasion.

Subaru turned over to groan into his pillow, frustration taking over the desire he was feeling just seconds ago. It couldn’t go on like this. This was a serious case of sexual frustration that physically hurt. Specifically in his heart and…nether regions.

Sitting up, Subaru decided to do the walk of shame to his bathroom, having fantasized of his boyfriend in lascivious ways and ultimately failing to finish. He let the rising steam calm his muscles and the warm water cascading down his back washed away his worries. Despite this, involuntary waves of anxiety threatened to bubble and spill out of his chest. No matter how much he scrubbed his skin raw, the insecurity underneath his skin covered him in a film that made him feel sick.

He took in a shuddering breath, wrapping his arms around his soapy body. It was fine. It was going to be fine. And he needed to hear it from someone else. Immediately.

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“Betty does not want to know the details of your intimate activities, I suppose.”

“But I’m seriously gonna die if we don’t do it soon!” Subaru whined, burying his face in his hands. “But then again, I don’t want to pressure him into something he doesn't want to do…”

Subaru sat on the rug, swaying his body about as if it would ease the burning sensation of frustration bubbling in his chest. From the top of her library ladder, Beatrice lowered her book, setting it into her lap. She narrowed her eyes at Subaru, having felt the uneasiness and anxiety through the bonds of their contract.

“Your mana is completely filthy today, Subaru,” Beatrice huffed, hopping down from the ladder with a soft rustle of her frilly dress. She stomped over and elegantly sat herself atop a cushion next to Subaru. “It is entirely distracting, I suppose. Uncover your face this instant.”

Subaru dragged his hands down his face, resting them on the back of his neck to rub the anxiety away. “Beako, am I really that unattractive? Is my face weird? And be honest, don’t hold back because I’m your contractor!”

“What nonsense are you spouting now, in fact? Who dared to make you think such foolish things?” She frowned, lightly smacking Subaru’s arm to show her indignation.

“Y’know…” Subaru muttered, laying back into the cushions to stare blankly at the ceiling. “Every time I try to initiate something, he avoids me. He makes all these polite excuses, and I’m starting to wonder if he thinks I’m disgusting, or something.”

Beatrice’s anger faded into something softer, noticing the genuine hurt in Subaru’s voice. Reaching to card her fingers through his hair, she let out a soft sigh. “That fool is many things Subaru, but he is not blind, nor stupid, I suppose.” She continued reminiscing, “Betty has seen the way that knight watches you when you are not looking, in fact.”

“Then why is he acting like I have the plague?”

“Because he is a knight to the core, in fact,” Beatrice scoffed. “Knights are foolish beings who worship things from afar. It seems he has deemed himself too unworthy to touch you, I suppose.”

Subaru sat up abruptly in shock. “That’s completely ridiculous! I mean, if anything, it would be the other way around wouldn’t it?”

“It is ridiculous either way, in fact!” Beatrice stood up, crossing her arms to accentuate her point. “So go and talk things over with him, and do not come back to Betty’s library until your mana stops tasting so filthy, in fact!”

Subaru slumped back into the cushions at the suggestion, feeling the dampness of his hair that hadn’t quite dried yet. He had already made about 70 scenarios of him talking to Julius about it, and they all ended horrifically. “And say what exactly? Hey, Julius, why won’t you have sex with me? I’m dying from insecurity!” 

“Exactly that, in fact.” Beatrice huffed, making her way back to the book she had previously buried her nose in. “If you are aware of what you need to do, why interrupt Betty’s reading time like this, I suppose.”

If only it was that easy.

“Betty will not repeat herself. Leave Betty’s library this instant and talk to that knight, in fact!”

Subaru let the door click shut as he exited the library, having been kicked out by his own spirit. He started down the path to where Julius resided. The Anastasia camp had visited to discuss trade and alliance with theirs, a lucky coincidence for Subaru, as Julius was a mere three-or-so rooms over.

Subaru took a deep breath, the exhale heavy with anxiety bubbling in his chest. He simply could not figure it out. Why did Julius avoid sex with him? And why couldn’t he be honest with Subaru? But Subaru felt so pathetic worrying about a matter so trivial. If he thought about it any longer, he would spiral into an unending loop of despair.

Standing in front of the door between him and his boyfriend, he knocked, not having a single plan on how to consult Julius with his current dilemma. As per usual, he entered without waiting for an answer. 

He was going to test it. He was going to see if Julius was really avoiding sexual intimacy or if it was really just in his head.

It was a smaller library in the mansion that was often forgotten by all except Beatrice. Julius stood there, leaned over a desk analyzing a map. His brows were furrowed slightly as he took notes, unaware of the presence steadily approaching. Subaru took his chance, as he did not often catch his boyfriend off guard, wrapping his arms tightly around Julius’ neck, pressing a shy kiss into the soft skin just beneath his ear.

“It’s not illegal to take a break,” Subaru commented, letting his weight drag slightly against Julius’ back. “You’ve been staring at that for hours, haven’t you? Spare a little time for your boyfriend as well?” 

Julius’ breath caught in surprise, before relaxing, turning around to greet his lover. “Subaru, you startled me.” Julius replied with a soft smile, the tension between his brows unraveling at the sight of Subaru.

Subaru leaned in slightly for a kiss, highlighting the subtle double meaning in his previous words, but was stopped by Julius’ hand cupping his face.

“As much as I would like to share a kiss with you, If I indulge myself, I will find that hours will pass without me making progress.” Julius confessed, a contrast to the perfect and polite tone he was using.

“So I’m distracting? Like, good distracting?”

Julius did not reply, opting to turn back around to face the desk with his notes. He rearranged the papers, picking up the quill he was previously using, dipping it in ink. Subaru huffed out a laugh at Julius’ unwillingness to lose composure. 

“Subaru, please.”

Subaru let out another small, amused breath, closing their distance to run his hand down Julius’ back, an innocent gesture tainted with ulterior motives. He gazed up at Julius’ side profile, searching his face for his gaze.

“Fine, fine,” Subaru murmured, his voice dropping to a softer, more intimate register. “I’ll let you be a good, diligent knight. But you have to at least give me a rain check?”

The reaction was instantaneous, but it wasn’t the polite rejection Subaru had prepared himself for.

The feather quill snapped.

The sharp crack echoed in the quiet room, a sudden splash of dark ink pooling across the notes Julius had spent the last hour drafting. Julius froze, his entire frame going so rigid Subaru could practically feel the tension in his back muscles.

Subaru let his hand fall to his side, the sudden shift in atmosphere sending chills down his spine, smile faltering. He hadn’t realized his teasing would make Julius so angry. Was he angry? They have exchanged words far harsher, during moments where playful banter filled the silence of their quarters. “Uh. Julius? I didn’t mean to make you ruin your work…”

Julius didn’t answer right away. He dropped the broken pieces of the quill onto the desk, his hands coming down to grip the edge of the wooden table so tightly his knuckles turned white. His chest heaved with a deep, shaky inhale.

“It is… alright, Subaru.” Julius whispered, his voice dropping an octave, losing its usual calm rhythm. It was full of restraint, his eyes glinting with something Subaru could not label. “Go find Emilia or Rem. I will join you all for dinner once this is finished.”

Subaru watched as Julius separated coherent notes from ones that were completely ruined, unsure of what to say. His heart ached with a familiar feeling he hated, making him sick with anxiety. He found the answer to his question. Julius truly was avoiding all of his advances to take things to another level.

“Ah, alright… Sorry again for…” Subaru finished his sentence with a gesture referring to the mess he caused, but Julius was unable to see it, having his back turned towards him. The lack of response made Subaru’s throat tighten in shame, promptly moving to exit the library.

But just as he was reaching for the door handle, Julius called out to him. “Subaru. It is alright. I mean it.” Julius offered a small smile, but he was unable to hide the strain from Subaru’s expert eyes. Subaru smiled back in response, waving him goodbye.

With the click of the door shutting, Subaru heaved a sigh of relief that they avoided ending on awkward terms. However, that did not ease his anxiety of the evidence Julius had provided him. Subaru was sure of it; the reason Julius got so tense was because he was trying to avoid a sexual encounter.

Back then, he couldn’t even look at Subaru properly, and the thought twisted sharply in his gut. The familiar, suffocating static of his own unworthiness began to rise in his chest, drowning out the quiet of the mansion around him. Subaru clutched his jacket as he began to walk down the corridor, not really having a destination in mind. 

The rejection stung, especially since this was not the first, but now a part of a long list of failed attempts. Digging his nails into his palms to ground himself did nothing but cause him unnecessary pain that added on to the dull throbbing in his chest. 

It was no wonder he got so tense. Subaru practically threw himself at Julius while he was trying to do actual, important work. Julius was a knight who valued order and decorum; of course Julius would get angry at him for ruining the order of his time spent doing work.

Subaru sighed, rubbing his burning ears. He did not want to go find Emilia. He did not want to face Rem. Right now, his face burned with a devastating mixture of shame and humiliation. He just wanted to crawl into his bed, pull the blankets over his head, and pray the agonizing weight in his chest would disappear before long.

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A couple days passed, shy of a week, after Julius and his camp had returned to their respective manor. Subaru, being the clingy boyfriend that he was, could not go without Julius for more than a week. Shortly after Julius had left, Subaru had visited him, taking the two of them out on a date. It was a common occurrence that Subaru would sleep over at Julius’ quarters; so much so, that anyone would call ‘Julius’’ room ‘their’ room instead.

The oil lamp on Julius’ desk flickered, casting long shadows on the walls of his room. Subaru lay atop the bed, boots kicked off to the side, watching Julius set his sword in its rightful space. This was it. Today, Subaru was going to make sure Julius fucked him. His last attempt was a horrific failure that sent shivers down his spine. Never had he imagined Julius would react like that, and it scared him to try again knowing Julius was this close to snapping at him.

It was a disgusting overstep of boundaries, but Subaru had better chances now that they were both bathed and ready for bed, right?

“Y’know, today was pretty fulfilling, right?” Subaru commented, rolling onto his stomach and propping up on his elbows. “Which means we should reward ourselves and relax, right?”

Julius smiled, though it was unseen by Subaru, as he still had his back turned, running his fingers over the leather of the sheath of his sword. “An inviting thought, Subaru. However, tomorrow’s rounds start at dawn, and it is imperative that I arrive on schedule.”

“The rounds can wait five minutes.” Subaru slid off the bed, walking across the cold floor that chilled his feet through his socks. He slipped his arms around Julius’ waist from behind, pressing his chest against the knight’s back. The warmth of Julius’ body seeped through the layers, causing him to let out a contented sigh, nuzzling his face between his shoulder blades. “I think I know a way to relax, if you’re up for it…?” The tips of Subaru’s ears warmed from the cheesy line, but could you blame him? He was serious about getting laid tonight!

He felt a sudden stillness in Julius’ frame. It was hard to tell whether it was a good or bad micro-expression, especially with Subaru’s fluttering heart clouding his judgement with fear of an angry Julius. Julius didn’t lean back into Subaru’s embrace. Instead, he gently placed his hands over Subaru’s wrist, untangling himself from the others arms. He turned around, hands never letting go of Subaru’s, and offered a reassuring smile. Though it didn’t quite reach his eyes.

“As tempting as your offer always is,” Julius’ grip on his hands tightened, a comforting warmth lessening the burn of rejection, “you look completely spent, Subaru. I know first hand that you have been neglecting your sleep. Come, let us sleep?”

Ah, today was no good either.

“...” Subaru’s lips pressed against each other, hoping to lessen the shame that manifested as an annoying ache in his chest. Julius reached out, brushing a stray lock of dark hair from Subaru’s forehead. It was a tender gesture, meant to dissipate the tension that had arisen, but it ended far too quickly as Julius stepped past him, moving to extinguish the oil lamp.

Subaru stood frozen by the sword stand, his arms still slightly raised from where they had been holding Julius. It was fine. It was going to be fine. But the coldness in his chest spread down to the pits of his stomach, making him nauseous with anxiety.

“Subaru, come.” Julius called out to him, having changed into his sleep attire, gesturing for Subaru to join him in sleep. Subaru followed Julius’ actions, stealing a shirt and pants from Julius’ wardrobe to sleep in.

“You’re being cruel…” Subaru muttered under his breath. Julius stared at him from where he was sitting on the bed. For a long, agonizing second, he looked uncertain. His mouth opened slightly, but no words came out. Subaru sat next to him on the bed, waiting for the words he couldn’t decide how to configure.

“I am sorry,” Julius whispered, turning to cup Subaru’s face. “Subaru… I am terribly sorry.”

“Stop apologizing,” Subaru grumbled, turning to crawl deeper into their bed, settling under the blankets. He yanked on Julius’ collar to pull him along. “Come here.”

Julius let himself be led, laying next to Subaru under the covers. He didn’t try to maintain a respectful distance anymore. He buried his face into the crook of Subaru’s neck, nuzzling his nose into the warmth that radiated in time with Subaru’s pulse. His arms locked tightly around Subaru’s waist, bunching the fabric of the too-big shirt as if Subaru might disappear if he let go. Subaru in turn rested his chin atop Julius’ lavender hair, breathing in the scent of his shampoo.

They stayed like that, Julius taking not-so-subtle drags of Subaru’s scent, exhaling long trembling breaths that tickled Subaru’s neck. Tightening his grip, Subaru was lulled to sleep by the slow rhythm of Julius’ chest rising and falling against his.

“Juli?” Subaru whispered, voice heavy with sleep.

“Hm?”

“...Do you like me?” Subaru felt stupid asking, but the insecurity that bubbled in his chest gave rise to waves of anxiety that felt like punches in the gut.

“I love you, Subaru. More than anything.”

He knew Julius meant it. He knew, but the uneasiness in the pit of his stomach ebbed and flowed. Subaru buried his nose further into Julius’ hair, the tickling sensation against his cheeks lulling him to sleep.

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Subaru stirred awake, the morning sun shining rays of light through the curtains. He reached beside him, hand searching the sheets he knew were empty and cold. There was no use checking, it was completely pointless to search for someone that wasn’t there. But Subaru hoped that as his fingers uselessly ran over the sheets, he would find the lingering warmth of Julius who slept beside him. He hoped that maybe, he had woken up early enough to catch Julius leaving. He hoped that maybe, he could get one final feeling of Julius’ body against his before the spirals of anxiety and insecurity began.

They had to talk about it someday, why Julius did not want to have sex. Was he avoiding sex, or sex with him specifically? Subaru’s knuckles whitened as he gripped the sheets in fear. He wished Julius would crave his touch like he craved his. He wanted to hold him so tight they would have to wonder whose limbs were whose, if it was their own hair tickling their face or the others, or whose soft laughter filled the air.

Did Julius ever yearn for Subaru as intensely as he did? Did he ever miss Subaru’s presence, even when they had just been together? Julius loved him, it was true. He loved it when Julius would recommend him teas, one’s that specifically helped the muscles in the body to relax. He loved the days they would share a bed, Julius dropping his dignified persona, prattling on about a history book he was reading in the softest voice. He loved it when Julius would brush his hand against his own, not quite holding it, but reminding Subaru that he was right there by his side.

So yes, Julius loved him. But from what he had seen, it was clear Julius did not love Subaru as much as he loved him. The revelation knocked the wind out of him, breathing becoming a daunting task. Subaru blinked rapidly, eyes stinging and blurring as he bit his lip hard enough he was sure it bled. The reason Julius avoided all his advancements, avoided intimacy, avoided sex; the reason Julius did not want to have sex with Subaru was simply because he did not love Subaru as much as he loved him. Why was Subaru always the one who felt too deeply?

He couldn’t bear the anguish anymore, it weighed on his fragile heart too heavily. Despite that, he could not give into despair. Remembering Beatrice’s words, he sat up in the bed, looking through his blurry eyes down at his lap. What good was it to ask questions he had no answers for? What good was it to make assumptions that would only strain their relationship further? Subaru was truly, truly sick of feeling like this; therefore, he simply had to get as straightforward as he possibly could.

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The rest of Subaru’s day was quite uneventful. He had returned to Roswaal’s mansion in the morning to complete his duties and help around with chores, but aside from hanging out with Beatrice and Emilia-tan, nothing important had occurred. Time passed by fairly slowly. Although Subaru was lost in his head, overthinking about what he truly meant to Julius, the hours went by agonizingly slow. So when the sun began its descent, Subaru decided to head back to Julius’ quarters, calculating that by the time he got there, Julius would be freed from his knightly duties.

The ride there did little to ease the churning in Subaru’s stomach, which actually got worse the closer they arrived. If anything, the steady rumbling of carriage wheels were easy to block out, allowing him to be pulled into a fresh loop of all the ways their impending conversation could end horribly. By the time the carriage finally pulled into the courtyard, Subaru stepped out into the cool evening air, his nape damp with sweat.

He invited himself into the knight's quarters, taking a familiar path to Julius' room. As expected, Julius wasn't back yet. He made himself busy to ease his nerves, straightening out papers on Julius' desk, fixing the bed he had left messy in the morning, and finally, stealing more of Julius' clothes to change into. He had settled to take a shower, preparing for bed, and smelling like Julius. He hoped that if he was not able to get the words out of his mouth, he would at least be able to hold Julius like he did the night before. Making himself comfortable on the bed, he heard the familiar clicking of boots on the floorboards. Ah, he was home. For a second, Subaru felt giddy, feeling Julius was coming back to their home, their bed.

“Ah, Subaru, I was not expecting you. It is lovely to see you,” Julius smiled softly at Subaru, and all it did was make the tension in his chest coil with fear. Julius crossed the distance to where Subaru was sitting on the bed, placing a soft kiss on Subaru’s forehead.

“Mm, welcome back, Juli.” Subaru muttered, voice slightly raspy after having not spoken for a few hours.

Julius looked entirely spent. His usual prim and proper posture sagging slightly, and his lavender hair disheveled in a few places. “I hope you were not waiting long. There was an unexpected meeting and it ran far longer than anticipated…” His voice trailed off, flat and exhausted at the reminder of the long day he had experienced. It was clear they were both irritated, Subaru’s disturbing lack of energy and Julius’ tense shoulders giving it away. Subaru’s head drooped between his shoulders, looking down at the fists clenched tightly in his lap. He truly, truly hated feeling like this.

“...A cup of tea, perhaps. I need something to clear my head.” He moved towards the small kitchenette in the corner of his room, each step heavy with exhaustion. As his hand gripped the kettle, Subaru slid off the bed, padding across the rug to place his hand over Julius’.

“It’s clear as day that you’re tired. You don’t have to put up a front around me. Go relax in the shower, I’ll make the tea for you.” Subaru squeezed Julius’ hand tighter in his. He always craved his touch. Any type of contact was enough to send butterflies fluttering in his stomach despite how long they had been together. The warm contact through the layer of Julius’ gloves was a comforting break in the unease.

“You do not need to cater to me, Subaru,” Julius whispered, turning his hand over to be able to hold Subaru’s.

“I want to,” Subaru replied, looking up to lock eyes with him, expression turning serious. “Just go. The tea will be waiting for you when you get out.”

“Very well,” Julius said softly, his thumb brushing against Subaru’s knuckles for just a second before he turned toward the washroom. “Thank you, dear.”

The washroom door closed and the sound of running water started up. Subaru’s heart pounded in his chest. He couldn’t quite tell whether it was because of the impending conversation they were going to have, or if it was because of the fleeting contact and affectionate nicknames. Subaru clenched his fists when another wave of anxiety washed over him. He really didn’t want the voice in his head to be correct about what he had assumed.

To take his mind off things, Subaru set about making two cups of tea, figuring he would need one as well. Following the steps of making Julius’ favorite tea, he heated the water until it was of exact temperature, taking a scoop of tea leaves, steeping them for the correct amount of time. It was Julius who taught him how to properly brew tea. He smiled softly, huffing a laugh at the memories of the countless failures with Julius there by his side.

He poured two cups of tea when it was done steeping, and just as the tupperware clinked against the table, Julius opened the washroom door. A thick, humid wave of Julius-scented steam filled the cooler air of the bedroom.

Subaru did not turn around. If he did, it was all over. If he did, he would see Julius standing there in his towel, droplets of water dripping down his chest, down to the divot of his abdomen, down to…

“The tea is… uh, it’s ready,” Subaru stammered, heart rate quickening at the sound of Julius walking over to him, the heat of his body radiating when he stood next to Subaru. He watched the steam from Julius’ tea cup rise and dissipate into the air, the fresh aroma tickling his senses. He pushed a cup towards Julius, instinctively glancing in Julius’ direction.

“Thank you, Subaru.” Julius smiled, a bit more relaxed as he had washed away his stress and tension.

Subaru looked up at Julius from where he stood a bit too closely. It was like his eyes had a mind of its own, darting down to Julius’ collarbone; then to his chest, nipples hard from the coolness of the bedroom; then to his abdomen, toned muscles moving with every breath Julius took; then, even lower, to the v-line that led to the more intimate parts of Julius’ body. Then, back up to Julius’ amber eyes, which were already staring back at him.

Neither of them said anything as they held eye contact longer than they would have liked, and Subaru felt his cheeks burning. Julius’ eyes widened a fraction, a bit of pink dusting his cheekbones.

This guy was really cruel, standing like this in front of a sexually frustrated Subaru after having denied him of sex for months. A wave of something crashed over Subaru; an urge to speak, an urge to vomit from the anxiety, an urge to yell and scream from frustration. He couldn’t say what it was, but he knew the dam was breaking.

“Why… Why don’t you want to have sex with me, Julius?”

Julius paused from where he had brought his cup up to rest on his lips. Subaru cursed at himself silently. That wasn’t how he wanted to ask at all. But he couldn’t help himself, the anxiety was just too much. He hoped that maybe Julius just preferred not to have sex, or that maybe he had some condition, or that maybe he just couldn’t as a knight. Anything other than what Subaru’s stupid mind had convinced him. That maybe, Julius did not love Subaru as much as he loved him.

Subaru bit his already bitten red lip. He wanted to cry.

“That,” Julius quickly composed himself, “is completely untrue.” Julius replied, setting his teacup back onto the table. Subaru was really starting to get frustrated.

“Actions speak louder than words, y’know…” Subaru muttered under his breath, picking at a loose wooden piece peeling off the table. He felt a bit childish throwing a mini tantrum, but as of right now, he couldn’t think clearly through the haze of soul deprecating insecurity. Subaru bit his lip again, irritation taking form in the faint thrumming of his fingers against wood. He knew Julius was picking up on his frustration, and he knew Julius was deeply sorry for causing him it. So why couldn’t he just be honest with Subaru?

“Subaru…” Julius inhaled, “We have had a long day, I am sure we are both exhausted-”

“You’re doing it right now!” Subaru’s voice cracked, his voice echoing in the quiet room. He slammed his hands on the table, anger and frustration numbing the pain. “Every single time, Julius, you find an excuse. Every single time you have a meeting, the timing is wrong, the guards are on rotation…”

Julius didn’t flinch at the sudden burst of anger, but his face tightened. “Subaru, you are being unreasonable. I have explicitly stated that my duties are demanding; as are yours. It has nothing to do with my feelings for you.”

“Then why won’t you touch me?” Subaru turned his body to lock eyes with the knight, his voice softened with vulnerability. “Really touch me?”

Julius hesitated, opening his mouth to speak, but no words came out. That second of silence was all it took.

Subaru struggled to breath, each exhale leaving him with less air than he initially took in. “I was right? I was right. I can’t believe I was right.” Subaru stepped away from Julius, hands trembling from where they reached up to rub his chest. But no matter how much pressure he applied, no matter how hard he dug his palm into his chest, he couldn’t reach his heart that ached.

“Subaru, what do you mean? Right about what exactly?” Julius’ tone was edged with fear, seeing Subaru react so severely. He trailed after Subaru, with each step he took backwards Julius mirrored him by taking even more steps forward. “Subaru, listen to what I have to say.”

“You don’t…” Subaru couldn’t finish his sentence. If he said it out loud, it would mean it was true. Months, and months of overthinking and insecurity rushed forward. “You’re not attracted to me. You think I’m disgusting, don’t you? You–”

The accusation caused Julius to flinch as if he had been physically struck. When he had denied Subaru all those times, he did it out of an innocent kind of cherishment; he did it out of his want to preserve the image of the graceful and sophisticated knight that Subaru had fallen in love with. Sex with Subaru would ruin the only thing he was good at; the main thing everyone relied on him for: upholding appearances. And if he could not preserve the appearance that Subaru held deep affection for, he would not be able to bear the loss of his beloved.

But as he watched Subaru look at him with such sorrow in his eyes, he realized just how deeply his silence had tortured the person he loved the most. And now, due to his selfishness, he was watching his worst nightmare unravel right in front of him.

Before Subaru could continue, Julius dropped to the floor, bare knees hitting the floorboards with a soft thud. He looked up at Subaru, his elegant facade shattered, brows furrowed and eyes full of desperation. “Subaru, listen. Please.” He begged, voice cracking in a tone he had never used in his entire life. His hands came up, trembling violently, before gripping the fabric of the pants Subaru had stolen from him, fabric locked in his death grip. “That is very, very far from the truth, Subaru. Please, I implore you, look at me and listen.”

Julius took in a shuddering breath, sitting back on his haunches, hands wrapping around Subaru’s ankles to keep him from running away. “It is because I am tooattracted to you that I cannot allow myself to ruin you.” Julius was right in trapping Subaru, because looking down at Julius who stared longingly back up at him, composure having long broken, he felt the sudden urge to flee.

“I am the ‘Finest of Knights,’ a knight of chivalry and elegance.” Julius dragged his hands back up to the back of Subaru’s knees, burying his forehead into Subaru’s thighs. “But the things I feel for you are far from it, Subaru.”

Subaru was stunned into silence, the dampness of Julius’ hair seeping into his clothes.

“I restrain myself everyday,” Julius continued, looking back up at Subaru from where he had nuzzled his face into him. “I know that if I start, I will not be able to stop myself from breaking you. You are just so precious, Subaru.”

The affection Julius held for Subaru was too much to describe efficiently in words. If anyone were to try and narrate it, they would reach the same dilemma Julius was currently facing in his need to express himself but not knowing how to. It was not an overstatement to say Julius held so much endearment for Subaru that it tattered on the edge of being obsessive.

“Truthfully…” Julius’ tone lowered, brimmed with vulnerability he had never shown in their near year of dating. “I was ashamed of this side of me. I could not allow you to see such a discomposed version of me.” Julius finished, arms moving to fully envelop Subaru in a tight hug overflowing with the fear of losing him.

“You total idiot…” Subaru’s face warmed at the passion that was streaming out of Julius in waves. As much as he wanted to heave a sigh of relief at the confirmation that he greatly misunderstood the intention behind Julius’ actions, he needed to address the reason behind them in the first place.

Subaru gently placed his hands atop the arms that were firmly wrapped around him, prying them away, and kneeling down to become face level with Julius.

“Julius, look at me.” Subaru whispered, eyes darting over Julius’ face as he cupped it. “I’m sorry about freaking out like that. I, I know it wasn’t true, I just…” Subaru lowered his face, “couldn’t handle the fact that there was a tiny chance that it could be.”

Julius felt breathless all over again as fear punched him in the gut. His hands rise to cup Subaru’s hands where they lay on his face. “No… please do not say that. Do not even think it! It is the furthest thing from–”

“I know, Juli. I do. So listen!” Subaru interjected, locking eyes with Julius’ amber colored ones. “Firstly, really look at me. I’m not made of porcelain, y’know?”

Julius glanced down, way too low to be considered innocent. His eyes trailed back up to meet Subaru’s, his own dark with desperate, suppressed longing. Leaning over to press his forehead into Julius’ collarbone, he spoke in a hushed tone, “I’m not a trophy, or some ancient relic you’re gonna tarnish. I’m just a guy who… loves you.”

“So, who gives a damn about all that stuff?” He continued, “the one I want isn’t the elegant ‘Finest of Knights,’ I want you, the parts of you that aren’t a knight.” Subaru looked up at Julius, fiercely. He trailed his hands away from Julius’ face to wrap his arms around his neck, hugging him tightly. His hands traced the bareness of Julius’ sensitive shoulders and nape, dragging droplets of water along with his fingers. He had never imagined he would be able to hold Julius so intimately anytime soon, but as Julius let out a shuddered breath against his neck, he selfishly decided to indulge in the vulnerability Julius revealed to him.

“But seriously, if you were feeling insecure you should’ve just said so!” It was hypocritical to say, having shut down his own feelings for so long he reached a breaking point. “I would never get angry at you for being honest with me…”

A faint, genuine flush crept up the back of Julius’ neck, a rare look of sheepishness breaking through. “I suppose I have been thoroughly reprimanded,” Julius said softly, before bowing his head further into Subaru’s shoulder. “Subaru, I am deeply sorry… I never intended to make you feel unwanted. I am sorry for causing you such sorrow.”

Subaru huffed out a breath and buried his hands further into the dampness of Julius’ back. “It’s fine, it’s fine, okay? Just shut up, Julius.”

Neither of them moved for a moment, and Subaru blinked through the haze of tears that hadn’t quite dried yet.

“Let us stand? The floorboards are entirely too cold for this.”

Subaru let out a small breath of air, resembling a laugh. “Yeah? You only just noticed?”

“I am merely adjusting my priorities,” Julius replied, pulling back from their tight embrace.

Without waiting for a response, Julius shifted his weight. While moving to stand, he slid one strong arm beneath Subaru’s shoulders and the other behind his knees, lifting him off the floor with minimal effort. Subaru instinctively wrapped his arms around Julius’ neck, burying his face into the crook of the knight’s neck which was damp from the wetness dripping from his hair.

Taking a few steps, Julius set Subaru down in the middle of their bed, immediately following him after deciding not to put on any clothes. He pulled Subaru flush against his damp skin, save for the towel preventing things from escalating, and wrapped his arms around Subaru’s waist. Subaru was immediately reminded of the night before, where they had fallen asleep in each other's arms, and distantly hoped that this time, he would wake up with Julius still there.

“Better?” Julius whispered into the dark room, fingers tracing unidentifiable shapes into Subaru’s back.

“Mm.” Subaru hummed into Julius’ neck, before they settled into a silence, tense with the second half of the conversation they were supposed to have. Neither of them could fall asleep, nor did they make the effort to. Subaru’s cheeks burned with the heated awkwardness in both of their forms, waves of want radiating off of them and crashing into each other.

He shifted, his form rubbing against Julius’ as he tried to ease the discomfort settling under his skin. But in doing so, he rubbed against a hardness that was telling of Julius’ yearning for him. Julius inhaled sharply in response, a hand coming down to grip Subaru’s hip to keep him still. He really, really could not take much of this anymore.

“Wont you…” Subaru bit his lip, nervous. “...Lose control?”

The quiet in the room seemed to break under his whisper. Julius froze, his grip on Subaru’s hip tightening until it was almost bruising. For a moment, the only sound was their hearts hammering against the other's chest.

Slowly, Julius shifted, rolling over to hover above Subaru’s form, caging him within his forearms. In the dim light of the moon, his amber eyes were darker than Subaru had ever seen them, devoid of their usual calm and composure. Subaru flinched slightly as he felt a droplet from Julius’ wet hair land on his face, trailing down his cheek and into the pillow.

“Subaru,” Julius rasped, his voice low and deep, a warning that sent shivers down Subaru’s spine. His hand dug under the fabric of Subaru’s clothes, trailing a path of warmth up his ribcage before his palm settled flat against the center of Subaru’s heaving chest.

“If I let go now,” Julius whispered, a devastating smile touching the corner of his lips, “I will not be gentle. I will take every single thing you are offering me, and I will not apologize for how badly I want you. Is that truly what you want?”

Subaru’s breath stuttered in his throat, fingers digging in where they laid on Julius’ shoulders. His hips tilted up in a silent, desperate answer before he could even voice what he wanted.

“Yes,” Subaru gasped out, dragging Julius down until their lips faintly brushed against the others. “I told you already, didn’t I? Stop thinking. Just… take it.”

Julius’ hand moved to tangle his fingers in Subaru’s dark locks, leaning down to devour his lips in a kiss that was fierce and full of hunger. It was devoid of a knight’s restraint, and instead a reflection of Julius’ skill in using his tongue. Julius poured all the words he didn’t know how to say into the slick slide of their tongues against each other.

They pulled apart enough to look at each other, a string of saliva connecting their wet lips. Julius used the hand flush against Subaru’s body to guide his shirt off, lifting it up and over his head. Like this, Julius could see how Subaru’s blush spread all the way down to his collarbone.

He ran his fingers down Subaru’s chest, brushing against his nipples, causing him to flinch. Subaru brought his hands up to hide his face as Julius’ hands trailed lower, thumbing underneath the loose waistband of his pants.

“Subaru…” Julius rubbed soothing circles into Subaru’s hipbones, leaning back to settle between Subaru’s spread legs.

“...” Subaru watched silently, heart fluttering in his chest, when the reality of what they were doing really caught up to him. Looking up at Julius, who was staring back with a desperate glint in his eyes, his fingers tightened around the locks of his hair, trembling.

Julius shifted to reach for something on their bedside table, fiddling with it, before Subaru recognized it as the oil compartment for the oil lamp that belonged there. “This will have to do for now,” Julius explained, settling back between Subaru’s legs.

Placing the makeshift lube on the blankets, Julius rested his hands in their rightful place on Subaru’s hips, slowly stripping Subaru of his pants and boxers. Setting the garment aside, Julius watched as Subaru brought his knees up to his chest, crossing his ankles to hide the hardness between his legs.

“Subaru…” Julius placed his hands on Subaru’s knees, rubbing soothing circles with his thumb. “I cannot see you like this.”

“That’s kinda the point…” Subaru felt ashamed at his embarrassment, considering he was the one who practically begged Julius to do this with him.

Julius leaned down to press his lips to Subaru’s shin to soothe his shame, hands finding their place under his knees. Fighting against Subaru’s resistance to keep his legs closed, he gently pried them open, placing open-mouthed kisses on each inch of inner thigh that was newly exposed. Each kiss sent sparks down Subaru’s spine, increasing steadily with each kiss that inched closer, and closer to the place he wanted to be touched the most. With a final kiss on his hipbone, Julius held Subaru’s legs–that which kept trying to close–open, giving him a full view of Subaru’s intimate parts.

Subaru was fully exposed, watching as Julius’ eyes swept over his entire body before settling between his thighs. He turned his head into the pillows to hide the flush that had grown in intensity, feeling the trickle of precum as his cock wept underneath Julius’ gaze.

“...”

“You like it, don’t you? Knowing that I am watching you.”

Subaru choked on a breath, burying his face further into the pillows, overwhelmed by how effortlessly Julius had read him.

“Don’t look away now,” Julius moved to undo his towel, freeing his erection from where it was tenting against it. “If you want me to look at you, Subaru, you only need to ask.”

Subaru’s eyes traced Julius’ body, from his collarbones, to hardened nipples, to the twitching evidence that showed Julius was just as turned on as he was. Subaru swore he was going to die from how hot his face was burning. But his thoughts were cut off when Julius grabbed the base of his cock, rubbing firm pressure into it.

“There is no need to feel shameful, Subaru,” Julius ran his fingers over the tip, spreading the sticky secretion over the expanse of Subaru’s erection. “After all, I quite enjoy watching you in this state.”

Subaru’s retort was lost on his tongue as Julius set a slow up-and-down motion on his cock, fingers stimulating the sensitive glans of the tip before coming back down to massage the base. Subaru shoved his hand into his mouth, muffling his moans of surprise. Julius’ other hand moved lower, thumbing at the opening of Subaru’s rim which twitched in response to his probing.

The weight of the warmth of Julius’ body against his was a grounding force, making Subaru painfully aware of the lewdness of their activities even if he wasn’t quite looking. Subaru felt Julius shift his weight against him, scooting down the bed to be inches away from Subaru’s erection.

“What are you-?” Subaru’s question faded off into a moan as Julius traced his tongue over Subaru’s opening, lathing saliva all over it. He pushed his tongue inside, picking up the pace of stroking Subaru’s cock. Subaru bit his lip, stifling his whimpers as pleasure burned and spread throughout his body. He was so wet; the soft squelch of Julius’ ministrations burning the tips of his ears.

Julius pulled back briefly to pour oil over his fingers, spreading it over Subaru’s entrance. Just as Subaru was starting to relax into the feeling, a finger prodded at his soft hole, slowly pushing inside all the way to the knuckle. Subaru gasped, hands coming down to tangle his fingers in Julius’ hair. Julius slowly inched up, placing wet kisses over his perineum, before settling on the base of Subaru’s dick. His legs were really trembling now, trying not to squish Julius’ head between his thighs.

“Hold on, ah-!” Subaru protested as Julius took his sensitive tip into his mouth, licking over the hypersensitive urethral opening, all the while curling his finger to stretch him open. Julius took him deeper into his mouth, sucking, while rubbing his finger into Subaru’s sweetspot, and Subaru lost control of his body. He shoved the pillow into his mouth to muffle the whorish moans spilling out his mouth, hips writhing against the sheets.

“Wait… Julius-!,” Subaru gasped, breaths getting heavier with every exhale, trying to pull Julius off his cock by his hair. Julius simply hummed in response, a sound mixed with enjoyment and acknowledgment. The vibration sent sparks down Subaru’s spine, thighs shaking violently with the effort of keeping his hips from thrusting up into Julius’ mouth.

Julius doubled down in his efforts as he added more fingers, fucking them rapidly into Subaru, who couldn’t keep his hips from moving. The pillow in his mouth was deemed useless, as short sporadic moans were teared from him.

Subaru’s body tensed, thighs closing tightly around Julius’ head as a last resort to stop his fingers and mouth from working.

“No, Julius, I’m gonna-!” Subaru keened, high in his throat, eyes rolling back as the intense pleasure consumed him. His muscles tensed, before relaxing, heat spreading from his core all the way to his fingertips. A buzzing sensation coursed throughout his body, making him slump further into the blankets.

Subaru looked down at the sight before him in a daze: Julius, face flushed with cum dribbling down his chin, his amber eyes glistening with tears caused by the strain previously in his throat, and his hips, rutting his cock into the sheets below him. Subaru absently noted to have the roles reversed on another day.

Subaru’s cheeks burned as he watched Julius’ adam's apple bop up and down, a telling sign that Julius had just swallowed his cum. “That’s dirty…” Subaru muttered as Julius wiped the dribble on his chin with his thumb, bringing it to his mouth to lick.

“Anything that has to do with you is enjoyable, Subaru.” Julius spread his fingers that were still buried in Subaru’s tight hole, emphasizing his point.

“Nn…” Subaru’s core heated as his fingers brushed against his sweet spot, arousal coiling in his gut. He flinched from the oversensitivity, having just orgasmed a few minutes prior.

Julius didn’t move from his spot. He kept his fingers still inside Subaru’s hole, rubbing a soothing warmth into his thighs. He pressed kisses all over, staring up at him lovingly, and Subaru drowned in the eye contact full of intimacy.

The innocence was lost as Subaru’s cock gained its hardness again, Julius placing kisses in the more sensitive areas of Subaru’s inner thighs. Julius began to move his fingers again, spreading them wide to ensure he stretched Subaru thoroughly.

“...Put it in.” Subaru whispered, covering his face with the back of his hand.

“Are you sure? I want to stretch you a bit more to avoid harming you in any way.”

“Julius, don’t make me beg.”

“...Hm. Tempting.” Julius teased, inching his body upwards from between Subaru’s thighs to kneel between them. His fingers lightly traced the sensitive skin of Subaru’s inner thighs, relishing in the shudder he got in response.

“Get on your knees.”

Subaru swore if Julius kept saying things like that, he wouldn’t last very long.

Subaru turned over with the help of Julius’ guiding hands, burying his face into a pillow. Julius trailed his hands down Subaru’s back, stopping at his waist and pressing him down towards the bed, accentuating the arch in his back. Reaching for his hard and dripping cock, he rubbed it against Subaru’s entrance.

“Subaru, I must confirm it with you. Are you entirely sure-”

“Julius.” Subaru had been waiting for this for months. If he waited any longer he swore he was going to cry. “Please.”Subaru begged, thighs trembling in desperation. Julius squeezed Subaru’s waist, his other guiding the head of his cock into Subaru’s hole.

“Oh, fuck…” Subaru gasped, grip on the pillow tightening as he could feel Julius pressing his weight forward. Julius moaned against the nape of his neck, waiting for Subaru to adjust before sinking all the way in. They sighed in sync, Julius leaning over his back, whimpering into his ear. Subaru absently noted to pry more of those sounds out of Julius, and underlined his previous note to be the one fucking Julius someday.

The heat between their bodies was intense, the warmth from Julius’ body transferring and sending shudders down Subaru’s spine. Julius braced his hands against Subaru’s waist, rubbing gentle circles into his skin, and the tender gesture made Subaru want to cry. After months of insecurity, he was finally right where he wanted to be.

“Julius.” Subaru whispered a wordless plea, the slight burn from the stretch turned into a pleasurable pressure.

Julius began to slowly thrust his hips, pulling out all the way to the tip before letting Subaru’s hole engulf him all the way down to the base. Subaru pushed his face into the pillows to muffle his embarrassing sounds, caused by the steadily increasing intensity of Julius’ power behind each thrust.

“Subaru…” Julius whispered into his ear, hands wandering all over Subaru’s body, squeezing his hips, fondling his ass, lightly scratching up his sensitive back, before settling on his chest, pinching and twisting the buds that lay there. Subaru’s body jerked away from the sudden pleasure that jolted throughout his body. But as a result of Julius’ form behind him, he only pushed himself further onto Julius’ cock.

“Nn-!” Subaru bit the pillow, hard.

“Subaru…” Julius called out again. “I want to hear you.” But Subaru stubbornly kept his face pressed against his pillows, until he felt a slight sting in his scalp.

Julius had grabbed Subaru’s hair, pulling his head back, causing an involuntary arch in his back, and Subaru had never been so turned on in his life. The sting sent tingles down to his throbbing cock, which twitched with every harsh thrust that sent his body further and further up the bed.

“Oh fuck, ah, fuck-!”Subaru found himself cursing nonsensically, lust overriding his senses. He was making a mess of his face, drooling running down his chin and dripping onto the sheets. His orgasm took him by surprise, the too-much-pleasure sending violent shudders down his spine. His world faded as Julius fucked him through his orgasm, but even after his orgasm subsided, Julius’ hips kept moving. Subaru sobbed, the pain-pleasure of overstimulation taking over his senses.

“...I’m sorry, Subaru.” Julius groaned into his ear, grabbing Subaru by his waist and flipping him over, laying him on his back. “I’m not done yet.” Julius fed his cock back into Subaru’s oversensitive hole, both of them moaning in sync as he bottomed out in one fluid thrust.

“Wait, g-gimmie a sec-!” Subaru’s sentence was cut short as Julius’ cock reached deeper than ever before; his face contorting as if he were in pain, pleasure frying his senses.
Julius placed his hands behind Subaru’s knees, pressing them to his chest and over his own shoulders. In this position, he was able to put his full weight into his thrusts, causing Subaru’s legs to kick out involuntarily in response. Subaru’s mouth was suck agape, moans endlessly pouring out of his mouth as he focused less on saving face and more on surviving the pleasure torture. His hands scrambled in the sheets for purchase, reaching beside his head for the pillows; reaching for Julius’ shoulders to dig his nails in; reaching up to tangle his hands in Julius’ hair, pulling him down for an open-mouthed kiss.

“I can’t, I can’t, I can’t-!” Subaru sobbed into Julius’ mouth, writhing to escape from the overstimulation. All his senses were filled with Julius. The scent of his jasmine fragrance mixing with the musk of sex, the taste of the tea Julius was drinking mixing with his saliva, the lewd squelch of Julius’ hips meeting his own, and, oh god, the eye contact. The whole time Julius fucked him he held his gaze with an innocent kind of infatuation; as if he weren’t fucking Subaru within an inch of his life.

“I love you.” Julius nuzzled into his neck, whispering confessions of love over, and over again. He moaned softly into his ear, thrusts becoming frantic and desperate the closer he got to completion. Subaru’s vision blurred with tears, eyes stinging with affection as the sporadic thrusting sent him over the edge once more.

“Julius-!” Subaru moaned his name as the pleasure hit its peak. “I love you, too” he whimpered, stars dancing behind his eyelids, warmth spreading throughout his lower belly as Julius’ cum filled him.

Julius lay his forehead in Subaru’s chest gasping, inhaling his scent. Subaru brought his hand up to card through Julius’ lilac locks. His legs trembled from the aftermath as he took deep breaths to calm himself down, a buzzing warmth filling his body all the way to his fingertips.

Letting himself drown in the haze of his orgasm, an uncontrollable giddiness bubbled in his chest. Sex with Julius was devastatingly intense, but passionate and loving at the same time. A comfortable silence settled over them, domesticating the afterglow of sex.

“Subaru…” Julius broke the silence, hesitant.

Afterglow, my ass. With the way Julius was grinding his hard cock between the cleft of his cheeks, this was far from over.