Archive of Our Own

The clinking of glasses across the counter remains consistent, almost like a steady heartbeat keeping the bar alive.

The faint chill from the nighttime air outside is a distant memory, beads of sweat forming on the back of Colt's neck as he tilts his head back to down the last of his drink.

"I'm being serious." He says solemnly, leaning in closer to Jody as he wraps up the story he'd been telling about jumping out to surprise another stunt double on set. "I've never heard a man scream so loud."

Jody grins, swirling the liquid around in her cup. "Not including yourself, are you?"

"Oh, c'mon! My screams are a normal volume unless I really need to put on a show for the audience."

"I suppose there must be a camera on you at all times, then."

Colt huffs, scrunching his nose as he turns away. "You get real mean after you've had a drink, Jody."

"I'm always like this." She denies, shaking her head. "I'd say that you get more sensitive."

"Do not."

"You definitely do."

"You have no proof."

"Should I remind you of the time you cried over a rock because—"

"That was justified."

"You thought that the rock must feel lonely all by itself in the grass."

"It was justified."

"You threw up on it right after."

Colt grimaces and looks away. He hates that story. "Not my strongest moment."

"It really wasn't."

It had been a while since the two of them had been to an actual bar. Most of the time, they'd buy a couple of bottles from the store and sit down together on a blanket or climb to the top of their trailer when they were out filming. But today was special. Well, maybe not today, but the occasion was. Jody's second film was basically all wrapped up, and if that didn't deserve a more rowdy night out, then he didn't know what did.

But even now, Colt can barely focus on anything else around him except for her. They might as well be all on their own. Jody was the best thing in his life, even if she bullied him the moment the opportunity arose.

"You can't blame a guy for how he acts when he gets a little tipsy."

"If that was tipsy, I'd hate to see you really drunk."

"Wow. I can't believe that there's an instance where you would hate to see me."

"This is what I mean!" Jody complains, though her smile betrays her irritated tone. "You get like this!"

"You should really love me for who I am all the time, not just when I'm charming and nonchalant."

"If that were the case, then there wouldn't be a chance for me to love you at all."

"Okay, I think I've had enough of being the butt of your jokes tonight." Colt sighs, turning away to conceal the grin on his face.

"I haven't. I could go all night, really." Jody hums back, drinking the last drops in her glass before sliding it down the counter. "Are we leaving?"

"I think we should. It's getting pretty late. Not good for walking around."

"Right."

All of the acting work had been wrapped up, and all that was left was mainly for the post-production supervisor to wrap up. He wouldn't really call himself an expert or anything, but he'd estimate a couple of months on editing and putting together the final product and adding whatever was needed. Free for a couple of weeks, the two of them had flown back to Los Angeles and were staying in Colt's old apartment. The bar was just about a fifteen minute walk away, which made drunk driving a very low risk.

Colt grabs his thin coat and throws it over his shoulders before making a show of taking down Jody's and proudly holding it out for her to slip her arms through despite the lack of need for it.

"What a gentleman." Jody teases, adjusting the collar of her jacket.

"I know, I know. I'm great." Colt replies, swinging his arm down to grab her hand, lacing their fingers together.

It wasn't too cold outside, but it was just enough to be a slight contrast to the interior of the bar. His exposed skin felt a little cool as a soft wind blew through his hair, but it wasn't unbearable. Los Angeles weather stayed warm most of the time, but some nights were a little chillier than others, so when the temperature dipped lower than usual, it was easy for someone like Colt who was too used to unusually high temperatures to feel a little out of place.

"I'm really excited for this." Jody breathes out, her grip on his hand tightening. "It went by really fast. I almost can't believe it."

She was right. The idea for the much less action-packed 'Silent Vows' had been an idea of hers since her early days of being a camera woman, and though most directors would have continued down the path of making similar movies to their debut, Jody had decided that she would do things her own way. No use in letting another Gail Meyer take control of her. There was no need for big actors this time around—Metalstorm had garnered enough attention already—and everything fit together so perfectly that it was almost surreal. A little over a year and a half after her first, she was just months away from getting done with her second. It made her so ecstatic that she was practically jumping around like a kid on sugar rush for a good few hours.

"I bet." Colt replies, squeezing back. "I'm sure that everyone is. I can see it now. A completely filled theater of fans, tickets sold out, interviews…it'll be incredible."

"I'm a little nervous about it, but I hope it works out. I don't want to jinx myself or anything."

"You won't. Besides, jinxing is a fake concept. If you don't believe in it, nothing will happen."

"You've just jinxed yourself with that one."

"Have not."

"Have too."

Colt shrugs simply at that. "Guess we'll have to wait and see what happens to me."

"Guess so." Jody pauses for a moment, her eyebrows furrowing as they cross the street. "How's Ryland been nowadays?"

Ryland. Right. He'd been working with the government because of what was happening with the dimming sun. He knew that much. But the problem was that was all he knew. There was nothing else that he'd been informed of. Not the type of research he was doing, not why exactly it was Ryland being chosen, nor what the future of the investigation was supposed to hold.

It was confidential.

Colt had kind of told Jody anyway.

It's not like Ryland was going to get into some deep trouble just because his brother and his girlfriend knew that he was working with the government on some issue they were having in space. Besides, he trusted Jody. She never blabs to anyone, not about anything that needs to be kept a secret. And if there was no trust, then how were they supposed to keep a relationship? Jody and Ryland were friends, too. If Colt knew, then she had to as well. It was a given.

Not that the two of them really knew that much anyway. Just that he wasn't in California anymore and that he couldn't really tell them where exactly he was. Just that he'd be gone for a while.

A while, he had said. It's been just about a year since he got that call from Ryland about being pulled from the school. If he'd known that it would be this long, he would have asked Ryland to just reject the offer and get the hell out of there.

He wasn't isolated and denied communication to the outside world. About once a week, he'd get a text from Ryland confirming that he was still alive and well and that things were going good. It wasn't exactly reassuring, but it offered a tiny bit of solace.

Still. Colt missed him. He missed hearing his voice in person and not over a speaker with loud noises in the background. He missed being able to punch his shoulder and ruffle his hair and pull him into a hug. He missed just having him around, even if he wasn't speaking or listening or doing anything at all. Just being there was good enough.

"He's good. Still alive and kicking." Colt replies slowly. "Not much else to it."

"That's all he's been saying?"

"Yeah."

"Nothing about how much longer this going to take?"

"He mentioned a couple of weeks ago that they're making a lot of good progress and that they're mapping out a plan with an end. No updates on that."

"Maybe he's keeping it a surprise."

"I don't want a surprise. I want to know when he's coming back."

"You love surprises."

"Not like this."

Jody makes a noise of understanding, pulling him closer so that their shoulders brushed as they moved. "If he said that it's coming together now, then he means it. When has he ever been wrong?"

"The plan should have been together on day one. But yeah. You're right." Colt exhales slowly. "It's just…weird not having him around. I don't even know where he is. I never not know where he is."

"No?"

"No. Even when we were apart after high school, I knew exactly where I could find him if I wanted to go visit. It's easy to just plug in an address and start traveling. It's not so easy to try to narrow down what time zone he's in based on when he replies to my messages."

"You tried doing that?"

"Got nowhere with it. It's always at different times of the day. Sometimes it's noon, sometimes it's sunset. It's unpredictable."

Again, something that Colt usually liked. He's been realizing that a lot of things he liked only applied to shit that happened to him, not Ryland.

"Mm." Jody nods. "You think he'll be back for the showing?"

"I'll kill him if he's not."

She snorts, shaking her head. "I wouldn't say to do that. It would be nice to have him here, though."

"He better be back by then. I've been telling him about it. He said he wants to be there, so that's that."

"Even if he's not, we could always watch it together when he does get back."

"It's not the same."

"Yeah. I know."

Thinking about Ryland always seemed to put a damper on his mood. It wasn't like it made him upset to know that Ryland was considered valuable and important at work. It was a good thing. People were finally realizing how great he was. But something about the whole situation just…irked him. Like there was something else going on, something deeper beneath the surface.

The government was involved. Of course there was something deeper.

He said that things were looking good, so Colt would wait for that plan to unravel. It was vague and odd and had no set date, but he could wait.

No, actually, he couldn't. He's a terrible waiter. He's known this for a while. He's the most impatient person in the world when it comes to the people he loves. No circumstances could ever change that fact.

"Don't stress out too much." Jody breaks the silence as they make it to the complex. "Ryland wouldn't want you to worry."

"Then maybe he should stop being so mysterious." Colt sighs, scrubbing at his face. "I just…I don't know. Is this how he felt when I told him I was going back to stunting?"

"I think he felt worse than this."

"Well I'm feeling bad for a lot longer than he had to, so it balances out."

Jody offers him a smile. "Just text him something tonight and you'll probably get a response in the morning."

"He's doing important stuff. Can't blow up his phone."

"I didn't tell you to narrate everything you did this week in excruciating detail. Just ask him when he's coming back."

"Right. Will do."

He doesn't want to seem pushy about it. He's asked enough times, masked as a playful teasing with him being bored without his other half. He doesn't want to tell Ryland that something about this is putting him off. Then they'll be back to square one with Colt being too protective over him and not letting him just live his life like a fully grown adult. They were getting through their 30s. He had to let Ryland do his own thing.

Not that he had to like it at all.

He sends the text anyway.

Can't you come back already

Preferably tomorrow

The response he gets in the morning doesn't really do much to soothe him.

Maybe sometime within the year, if we're lucky.

It's been about seven months since that message.

The updates keep on coming, but they're getting rarer. Something important is happening, something that Ryland simply chalks off as being ‘the end of the train’. If that was coming up, then so was his return back to his normal life.

Colt can't help but wonder how monitored he'd have to be, considering he was involved in this top secret thing. Would they be tracking his moves or would they trust him enough to go back to living life as he pleased, his lips sealed and his demeanor reflecting nothing of the event?

Whatever the situation might be, he won't complain. Colt has waited long enough, and if Ryland has to act like nothing happened at all, then he'll accept it without a word.

The last normal 'messages' he received were two weeks ago, one being just a simple thumbs up reaction to Colt wishing him luck, so thanks a lot, Ryland. A man of great words, really. The other was to the point.

Everything's going smoothly. We're getting close to finishing this up.

But it's fine. If bothering him less would wrap this up faster, then he'd gladly ghost Ryland like his life depended on it.

Jody's movie starts playing in theaters next week. From what it looks like, Ryland could make it back just in time. Jody can say that it won't matter to her when he sees it, but it matters to Colt, so it basically matters to her by extension.

For now, he keeps Ryland's contact open on his phone, staring down at it pointedly, like his gaze would be enough to signal him to message Colt first. The longer he looks, the more warped his name and face gets, like he's slowly fading from memory.

Should he type something out again? Call, maybe? It's unlikely that Ryland would keep his phone on him while working, so it might just go to voicemail, but it was worth a shot, wasn't it? He might just be a little paranoid. This couldn't be as bad as another Tom Ryder incident. Getting wrapped up in all of that kind of stuff was Colt's thing, not Ryland's.

A knock at the door pulls him out of his thoughts.

Jody was catching up with a high school friend of hers about half an hour away. Even if she was back this early, she wouldn't knock. Colt seriously doubted that there was a delivery package waiting for him out there either. No one was supposed to be visiting, not that many people ever did.

And it sure as hell wasn't going to be Ryland dropping by for a surprise visit.

Colt starts to get up slowly, pocketing his phone and stretching his legs out, ignoring the dull pain in his back. Once he gets to the door, he peeks through the peephole, squeezing one eye shut.

The woman standing out there isn't someone he recognizes at all. Her overall demeanor didn't scream trouble. She stood with her hands to her sides, staring straight forward with her lips pursed. If she was here to kill him, she was doing really good at feigning innocence. Colt would estimate her to be anywhere between five to ten years older than him, give or take.

Maybe she was here for Jody and didn't know that she was out at the moment. It could be possible, but unlikely. Jody would tell him about potential visitors.

Opening the door wouldn't kill him. Maybe the mild anxiety that Ryland's been causing him lately is infecting his daily life and she's just here to ask him to support her local church or something like that.

He unlocks the door and pulls it open, trying his best to appear like he hadn't been sizing her up through the door viewer.

"Hi." He greets simply, leaning against the doorframe.

The woman straightens up a bit, though it seems impossible with how rigid she had been standing before he'd made himself know. Her head tilts up to look at him, and for a moment, something unreadable seems to flash across her face.

Weird.

"Hello." She responds, some sort of European accent noticeable. "I take it that you are Colt Grace?"

Huh.

It was normal to be referred to as Grace when he was younger. Of course it was normal. That was his name. It's what his track coach would yell excitedly when he nailed his 8 foot pole vault during freshman year. It's what his teachers would exasperatedly sigh when he forget about a homework assignment that he'd been given days ago. It's what was called on his graduation day, what was written on his diploma.

After getting into stunting, he figured that he needed to switch it up a bit. Grace sounded soft, in a way. Too gentle for the kind of shit he did daily. Colt Grace isn't exactly the kind of name that anyone would expect to see launched into a wall or crashing cars. Colt Seavers was. A stage name was good for keeping up an appearance, even if some people might not think it necessary. He did not steal it from Tom Seaver, as much as Jody liked to tease.

Once he adopted the name, it stuck. It fit him nicely, if he did say so himself. Tom Ryder knew him as Seavers. Jody met him as Seavers. Everyone he's ever met on set called him by Seavers because that was the mask he put on when he stepped onto filming grounds.

Ryland has never seriously called him by Seavers, but Ryland doesn't count.

It's only fair to assume that the general public would also know him as Colt Seavers as opposed to Colt Grace. For the stranger at his door to know him by his original name, she'd had to have sought him out for a reason.

Okay. Cool. Not worrisome at all.

"Uh. Yeah." Colt nods. No point in trying to deny it. "Do I know you?"

"No." She replies bluntly.

"Okay…am I allowed to know you?"

"My name is Eva Stratt. I work with the Petrova Task Force." Stratt looks down each end of the hall subtly, almost like she's keeping an eye out for any listeners.

The Petrova Task Force. If Colt had to take a wild guess, they're who recruited Ryland to start working on the whole sun dimming problem. There's no reason for one of their people to just casually be at his door, right? He was a stuntman. He didn't have a good background with biology like Ryland did. There's no way that she's here for him.

Which means that she's definitely here because of Ryland.

"I'd like to talk to you about Dr. Grace."

Yeah, he'd come to that conclusion all on his own.

"Alright. I can do that. But, this better be for real, or I'll have a terrible time explaining to my girlfriend why I have another woman over while she's gone."

Stratt nods her head curtly. "I won't take much of your time."

Something was wrong about this. Why would she need to come talk about Ryland? Why couldn't Ryland just talk about it himself? Were they going to lock him up forever and have him continue working with them?

He doesn't ask any of his things. Instead, he wordlessly pushes the door open further, stepping off to the side. After a quick second of hesitation, she steps inside.

Colt doesn't really have time to feel self-conscious about the way his living room looks. The feeling in his stomach that had made him feel weird way back when Ryland called him all that time ago starts to revive again. No, it's not. This is something new. Something just making him a little nervous because he doesn't usually have people with a good amount of power just stiffly sitting on a chair in his apartment.

Is he supposed to start talking? Is she waiting for something? Are there snipers hidden outside his apartment, waiting for the command to start shooting if he doesn't give the right answers?

It's the movies. The movies are giving him this anxiety. He really needs to watch more kids cartoons or something.

"I understand that you are aware about Dr. Grace's involvement in the research pertaining to the Petrova Line?

"Barely."

Ryland was secretive about the thing. The most he knew about it was that Ryland was working with some sort of samples from Venus. Something along those lines.

"Barely?"

"I know that he's working with you guys. That's about it."

"Right." Stratt clasps her hands together on her lap. "How aware are you on the topic?"

Colt could fit the amount of knowledge he had about the Petrova problem on a small post-it note. It's not like he wasn't keeping up to date. Information was incredibly confidential and limited to the people on top, he assumes. Majority of what could be found online were just crazy conspiracies made by people who haven't showered in a long while.

What he did know is that the Petrova Line is infrared light that goes from Venus to the sun, and there are supposedly little 'dots' that are dimming the sun, which would eventually lead to a big drop in temperature. Which meant that the earth was possibly doomed. There were a lot of people working on finding a solution to the problem, but basically everything about it was kept under wraps.

"Well…uh…the sun's got a problem because of the Petrova Line with Venus." He offers, scratching as his head. "There are dots up there that I'm assuming you've got your hands on?"

Stratt regards him for a moment before nodding. "Correct. We do have samples of those…'dots'. Dr. Grace has been very useful with assisting us in understanding them."

"Huh. Good for him."

"Right. Is that all you're aware of?"

"Should be."

"I see." Stratt unclasps her hands and leans forward just a fraction. "Dr. Grace has named the dots 'Astrophage'."

"Sounds apocalyptic."

"You could say so. If we can't stop the Astrophage from eating away at the sun, then the earth will die."

"Right. Think that's been established."

"I'm only making sure that we agree on this."

"We do."

"Good." After a moment, she takes a breath. "Dr. Grace had also discovered how to breed the Astrophage."

"Is he just doing everything for you guys?" Colt raises an eyebrow, then stops. "Wait. Isn't that the exact opposite of what you want?"

"No."

"No?"

"Are you aware of the existence of Tau Ceti?"

"Is that some sort of cell?"

"It's a star."

"Oh. Can't say I'm familiar."

"It rests eleven point nine light years from here. Our sun is not the only one dimming. Other stars are also falling to the Astrophage. Each star seems to infect the other."

"So…this Tau Ceti is also being eaten?"

"Not quite. It appears to be immune."

"Okay. Cool. Why are you telling me this?" Colt asks, deciding that he's not going to pretend that he understands the reasoning behind the visit. "No offense, but what do I have to do with this? Isn't this like…top secret super confidential information?"

"It's important that you understand this much."

"Why me? If you guys released this stuff to the public, I'd know about it through there."

"We're not releasing this to the general public right now. This is something that I'm telling you because of your…your brother's involvement."

"Right. Ryland. Are you going to tell me why you wanted to talk about him?"

"I'm getting there. I'm simply establishing the background so that you have complete understanding when we begin discussing him."

"Got it. Alright. Should I be taking notes?"

"Not necessary. You may refer back to me if you need to."

Has Eva Stratt ever heard of a joke before? She was oddly professional and well-spoken in a way he only really saw in awfully stereotypical secret agent movies. Or maybe she was just a foreigner.

Which sparks the question of why she'd come all the way out here. She must have traveled here from somewhere else. Why? Was what she needed to talk about regarding Ryland that important?

Something twists harshly in his stomach.

"Right. The logical approach is to go to Tau Ceti to find the cause for it's immunity."

"Of course." Colt agrees. "Except you said that it's twelve light years away."

"Eleven point nine."

"Yeah. Wouldn't traveling there take like…thousands of years?"

"Correct."

"So…?"

"This is where the Astrophage comes in. Dr. Grace being able to breed it allows us to use the Astrophage as fuel, replicating the speed of light to just below a hundred percent, which gets us to Tau Ceti in approximately thirteen years."

"This all feels dumbed down. Are you dumbing this down for me?"

"I don't expect a stuntman to understand the jargon that relates to the project."

"Right. Definitely." Except she sounded a tiny bit more expecting when she'd first started talking, which leads Colt to believe that she thought a little higher of him. Ouch. It was probably because Ryland was smart and figured all of that out on his own, but still.

"The important thing you need to know is that we have capable people on the Hail Mary at this moment on the journey there."

"They're…already going?" Colt raises his eyebrows in surprise. "Damn. You guys work pretty efficiently. It's been what, two years since this thing started?"

"Since the discovery of the line, three. When the earth and her people are in danger, acting quickly is our only option. It was the constructing of the ship and the breeding of the Astrophage across the Sahara that truly took up time. Needless to say, it did provide us sample time to train our astronauts."

"Uh-huh." He was getting about half of this. "So the ship is already in space. Your astronauts are gone?"

"Correct."

"Huh. How the hell did you get it up into space without the whole world knowing?"

"The ship was assembled in space. Rockets flew the necessary equipment up there."

"Huh." Colt says again. "Cool. Not to pry again, but I'm not following on how this relates to Ryland. Like, yeah, he's the one who basically figured everything out for you, but…what else is there to say?"

The look on her face and the quick pause makes Colt feel uneasy. Should he be feeling this nervous about whatever update she has? It shouldn't be anything that Ryland hasn't at least tried to allude to.

"The crew for the Hail Mary consists of a pilot, an engineer, and a scientist."

He's assuming that the 'Hail Mary' is the name of the ship. He doesn't know why he's being told this. Shit, are they going to stalk him to make sure he doesn't snitch about any of this for the foreseeable future? If all of this information is going to be public at some point, then he should technically be fine.

"Okay. If they're traveling for that long, won't they just…y'know…lose it?" He might as well ask questions to seem engaged enough that she'll get to Ryland faster.

"They're placed into comas and will remain in them for majority of the journey. Due to the time dilation, they'll only experience four years of time while our thirteen years here will unravel."

"Right."

"Right." She repeats. "Yáo Li-Jie is our pilot. Olesya Ilyukhina is our engineer. Martin Dubois was meant to be our scientist."

"But he's not?"

"9 days before launch, Martin Dubois and his second, Annie Shapiro, were killed in an explosion due to a miscalculation in relation to the Astrophage."

Colt blinks. "Oh."

Stratt blinks back. "Yes, oh. As you can imagine, with just over a week left until departure, it would be incredibly difficult for us to find a replacement scientist to train so quickly. Not only that, but for them to contain a rare gene that allows them to survive the coma without life altering effects."

The feeling in Colt's stomach sends shivers down his spine. The insinuation is too obvious. It's too predictable. She's going to say something different than what he's expecting. Surely she is. He's not going to pretend that he doesn't understand where she's going with this.

"Right." He says, voice weaker than before. "And…you found one, clearly."

"Yes." Stratt confirms. "We did."

Deny it. Colt thinks to himself.

"Must be a really capable scientist to take the spot like nothing."

"He is."

He is. She's narrowed it down. It's not helping with the slowly quickening thumping of his heart in his chest.

Deny it. He pleads silently.

"We did not have many options." She says slowly. "To have someone so involved with the project, who understands everything related to the Astrophage, to have the coma-resistant gene, it was like searching for a needle in a haystack."

"Lucky you." The voice doesn't sound like his own.

Deny it.

"Dr. Grace was a flawless match."

…

Colt stays silent.

His mind is racing too fast for any of his emotions to catch up. Stop. Replay her words. What was she saying? What was she telling him right now?

Ryland was a perfect candidate to take up void that was left behind by the deaths of the other two scientists. Okay. That doesn't have to mean that he chose to go, right? Maybe at the last moment he said no, and Stratt was here to tell him that he was going to be subjected to a lot of…what? Punishment for rejecting the offer?

Except Ryland wouldn't want to go in the first place. If they really sent him there, there's no way he agreed to it himself.

"So you're telling me…" Colt trails off for a moment, everything slowly but surely catching up to speed. "You're telling me that Ryland's on his way to Tau Ceti in a coma right now?"

"Yes."

"No, he's not."

"You don't think so?"

"Not willingly."

Stratt's stone faced demeanor cracks for a moment, and she looks a bit taken aback. "What was that?"

"Ryland wouldn't just volunteer himself. You knew he was a perfect match, and you fucking like…blackmailed him or threatened him or did something to force him to go."

Colt can almost imagine Ryland's face screwing up in annoyance at the assumption. He'd complain and get upset and lecture him for just making his own stories up just like he always did, trying to paint him as a victim to everything.

But no matter how off Colt might get, he always had the base of the situation right.

Still, he's not going to start screaming and exploding. Not yet, at least. Not until he has verbal confirmation that what he's hearing from her is right.

"Dr. Grace did put up some resistance. We had no time for that. He is the most capable person scientist we have for the mission."

"Bullshit. You're telling me that no one else knew the things he did?"

"He was highly involved with the entire process. He was more than ready to go."

"More than ready to go? You're saying that he 'put up some resistance'. Does that sound like he was ready to go to space? Ryland hates riding elevators! What about that sounds like he'd want to go to space?"

"I was referring to his capabilities. Anything he might not know relating to the ship itself can easily be taught to him by the pilot or engineer."

It's going too fast and too slow all at the same time. His stomach keeps churning, his heart keeps racing, and all of his thoughts are colliding with each other in his head, but he just can't seem to wrap his head around what's being said to him.

Ryland's in space. Right now. In a coma. On his way to a star that's twelve light years away.

"So that's it?" He asks lowly, eyes locked onto hers. "You just put my brother into a coma and shipped him off?"

"To put it simply."

"Simply. Right. Because everything about this is so simple." He scoffs, leaning back and running a hand down his face. "I want to know something."

"Of course."

Colt pauses for a moment. He still doesn't get anything about the agreement part. She's beating around the bush with it. He's capable, he was ready to go, but nothing more about his so-called 'resistance'.

"How did you convince him to go?"

"It was the fate of the world. What more convincing does one need?"

"The fate of the world. That's what made Ryland relent and decide to get put into a coma for the next…thirteen years?"

"What choice would you have made?"

"What choice would I—are you crazy?"

Stratt does not break as she stares back at him. Colt frowns and massages his temple.

What could would he have made?

Gee, let's see. The world is going to get colder and freeze over. The main scientist and his replacement are dead, leaving him as the best option. He can get put on a ship for the next thirteen years to reach a star he's never heard of just to see why it's not infected, or he could reject and stay with the people that matter to him. The answer is obvious.

"Some of us have people waiting at home." He argues.

"So do the other members of the crew." Stratt rebuttals. "That's who they're doing this for. Don't you have someone that you'd want to save the world for?"

"No shit." Colt sneers. "But that doesn't mean I'm going to abandon them for the next…however many fucking years this thing takes."

"No?"

"No." He drops his hands onto his lap. "One more thing. If Ryland really did agree willingly, then why the hell wouldn't he have told us himself?"

"Confidential."

"It's more than a decade of his life. Over two, actually, if you count the return trip. Clearly I'm finding this out anyway. He couldn't have told us then?"

"Dr. Grace never made any reference to your existence."

"No fucking way."

Stratt still doesn't react. It irritates him more.

"You're telling me that for the…what, year and a half that you had my brother? He's never mentioned a twin?"

"He doesn't speak much of his personal life."

"Didn't realize I was too personal for him." He huffs. "And aren't you guys the ones that tracked him down in the first place? Wouldn't you have found me through there?"

"You were a mildly trickier target than Dr. Grace was. Considering the stunting business and the relation to Tom Ryder. That, and you weren't the one we were looking for."

Right. Of course.

"What changed, then? You clearly know me now."

Without another word, Stratt turns and reaches into her bag. She doesn't rummage around in there, simply sliding her hand in and out.

She's holding Ryland's phone.

Oh.

Colt takes it from her slowly. Bile crawls up his throat, but he forcefully swallows it back down.

He wants to start yelling at her. He wants to get mad, to start throwing shit, to kick her out and just let himself properly process everything. He was always bad at this shit, at hearing news and learning to live with the reality of it. It always took too long to sink in, too long for him to react until it was just him standing alone with nothing but himself.

"Okay." He breathes out slowly, gentle placing the phone down beside him.

"If we had been aware that Dr. Grace had someone waiting for him, we would have arranged something. We were already short on time."

"Right."

"It is easier to deliver news in person."

"Sure. Yeah, I…sure. Okay. Fine. Whatever." He pinches the bridge of his nose and squeezes his eyes shut. "So it's thirteen years there and thirteen back, right? Don't know how long they'll spend at the star, but I'm guessing it'll be a few months at least. That's what…twenty-six fucking years?"

Stratt doesn't reply for a moment, one hand resting on top of the other as she breathes in an out slowly, controlled.

"There is something else about the mission that I haven't told you yet."

"Okay. So tell me."

"Regarding the breeding of Astrophage. It would require 2 million kilograms to send our astronauts to Tau Ceti."

"So 4 million to take them there and back."

"Not quite."

"What the hell does that mean?"

"Astrophage is dangerous, if not already made clear by what happened to Dubois and Shapiro. Not only that, but we can only produce so much to store in a day, and with the limited amount of—"

"Stop." Colt puts a hand up, that feeling of dread from before returning, creeping into his veins. "What are you saying?"

"A ship that could go to Tau Ceti and back would not be possible with the circumstances we are in."

"Right. So how are they coming back? You guys need the information they have, don't you?"

"Their findings will be sent back to us with probes."

"And…" Colt can feel his heart pounding against his chest. "And the crew?"

"They will die."

She says it so bluntly that Colt almost thinks that she's joking. Her expression does not soften, nor does her voice. It's straight to the point, matter-of-fact, put plain and simple with no room for argument.

"I see." Colt says slowly. "So you didn't just throw my brother onto a ship. You killed him."

"It's for the rest of the world to live."

"Who gives a shit about the rest of the world?" His voice finally starts to rise as his fists ball up. "You killed my brother!"

"I've explained the entire situation to you." Stratt continues calmly like she hadn't just shattered his life.

"And I don't fucking care! How—how could you just make him go? Ryland wouldn't just go on a suicide mission, especially in a space ship of all things. You did something. You did something worse than just 'convince' him. You forced him on there."

"There was—"

"I don't want your excuses!"

"Who else could take the stand?"

"You're telling me that there was no one in this whole operation who would have willingly gone?"

"With the expertise that Dr. Grace possessed?"

"I don't care how capable you thought he was."

"The fate of the world lied within that decision. Dr. Grace is headed to Tau Ceti. There is no changing that."

"Don't you feel even a little fucking sorry about it?" Colt gestures to her wildly. "You're like—like a robot, that's what you are! I can't even tell what you're thinking or feeling right now. It's like there's nothing there!"

"It's the life of one man or the lives of the rest of the world. Would you have chosen different?"

"Well he's not just one man to me, is he?"

"Do you believe that the decision wasn't difficult?" Stratt asks. "It wasn't an ideal situation, but it was necessary in the end."

Colt scowls, teeth gritting. "That's what you came all the way here to tell me? That in a perfect world, your Dubois was fine and went up there according to plan?"

"In a perfect world, no one knows Irina Petrova's name." Stratt responds coolly.

His heavy breaths fill the room, leaving no space for pure silence.

"We do not have the privilege of living in that world. We exist in this moment. I came here to tell you that Dr. Grace will be known as a hero of humanity because as his family, you should hear it first like the other families did."

"Yeah?" Colt tilts his head. "Are you going to tell the world how he didn't want to go? Are you going to tell them that you forced him to? I know you did. You can't convince me that he wanted to."

Stratt doesn't react.

"Or are you going to lie to their faces and tell them that he was so brave for volunteering, for taking the stand when all seemed lost?" He continues.

"Dr. Grace was our best hope. With his sacrifice, the rest of us will be able to live our lives in his memory."

"No, you won't. You don't deserve to. No ones deserves to."

"If that is what you believe."

"It is."

"Do you plan on telling the world your version of the truth?" Stratt asks simply. "Will you run to the press and demand that they show your faces so that you can crush the hope that people will feel at the news that we are going to get an answer?"

Does he?

"How will people react to the mission if they believe that Dr. Grace is not a worthy man for the role?"

Colt stays silent.

"Keep that in mind when you think of speaking out against the mission."

"Is that a threat?"

"It's a suggestion."

"Right." He takes a breath to try to regain his composure. "So that's it? That's all you have to say to me? You sent my brother to his death without giving him the chance to say goodbye, and I'll never hear from you again?"

"Is there something more that you need?"

Colt stares at her in disbelief. "A fucking apology would be nice. Not that it would solve anything, but it's common courtesy."

Stratt looks back at him without a flicker of doubt. "I don't consider the decision to be a mistake. Dr. Grace can complete the mission just fine. There are people who believe in him."

Was she being for real?

After a moment, she rises to her feet, shouldering her bag. "For what it's worth, I am sorry that you had to receive the news this way."

Colt's head turns to follow her as she walks back towards the front door. He doesn't move from his spot to see her off.

She's almost out of sight, hand resting on the handle of the door before she turns back to look at him.

"Dr. Grace is a good man." She declares plainly. "You are not the only one who knows this."

Eva Stratt disappears just as suddenly as she had arrived, leaving Colt by himself in a painfully empty apartment.

Colt sits on the couch with Ryland's phone next to him and his hands limp in his lap for the next two hours, unmoving, staring at the door like Stratt might return and tell him it was all a joke, or better yet, Ryland himself.

Neither comes true.

The trance that he's under only starts to break when the door handle starts to rattle, keys faintly audible through the door. Jody is the one who steps through, of course she is, who else would it be? She's got a smile on her face and her eyes are bright and happy and she's humming as she toes off her shoes and drops her purse near the door.

When her eyes fall on him, she stops.

"Hey." She greets quietly, like she was approaching some sort of wild animal. "What's wrong?"

How is he supposed to tell her what's wrong? That this is worse than a bad memory of that night on the boat, that it's worse than being worried about Ryland's lack of responses, that the inevitable has finally happened and Ryland has gone somewhere too far for him to follow.

Colt doesn't feel his lips move when he speaks. "Ryland's gone."

Jody startles, the hand that was coming up to rest on his shoulder pulling back quickly, her breath hitching. "What?"

He doesn't say anything else. Jody sits just beside him, her side just barely brushing against his, hand stalled in the middle. She waits for him to say something more, but nothing comes out. What is he supposed to say when it comes to something like this?

"Okay." She whispers instead of prying, one arm reaching around to rest on his back.

She's expecting him to cry, maybe. She's expecting him to start breaking down and freaking out and having some sort of bad attack or something along those lines.

But it doesn't come.

He just feels numb to it.

After a long few minutes of silence, he takes a breath and starts to talk. With a voice devoid of any emotion, he tells her what he remembers about the Astrophage and the breeding and the ship. The crew members, their deaths, the need for the replacement. Like him, she quickly realizes what that must have meant for Ryland. Then he tells her that he's not coming back, and a wounded noise leaves her lips.

"That's…that's bullshit." She whispers, shaking her head.

"I wish." Colt responds dully, eyes still fixated on the door, waiting for someone who wasn't going to return.

They stay like that, with Jody running her hand up and down his back in a continuous motion, with Colt refusing to tear his eyes away from the door, with the both of them saying nothing to the other, too wrapped up in their own thoughts to even think about how to voice them.

Nothing about this felt real. If anything, Colt was half expecting to wake up from this nightmare, for Jody to be standing over him and teasing him for falling asleep waiting up on her on the couch. Then Ryland would finally send a message, something dumb about how much he's being overworked and how his kids have never worked him this hard before, and all would be okay.

The window behind him starts to bring less and less light. He has no idea what time it might be, and he doesn't really care, either. Eventually, Jody leans against his side, her hair shielding her face as she sleeps. Colt stays awake.

Ryland couldn't be in space. It doesn't make sense. This entire time, the whole problem with the Petrova line felt like something far away, something that didn't concern him too much. He figured that if there was a solution, it would be found soon enough. He payed no mind to how he'd actually started wearing coats in the fall, no matter how light. He didn't pay attention to the theories on the internet. If he ever did, it was only to wonder how much more Ryland knew than he did.

Clearly it was more than enough.

When their mother died, Colt hadn't cried. It was when they'd both come back home to visit over Spring break. Ryland had spent an entire day holed up in his old room, refusing to get out at all. Colt had been the one to silently bring plates of food to the threshold and then walk away. He didn't cry, not when he heard, not during the funeral, and not in the days after.

The day he broke down was the day he passed by a garden of yellow tulips, which had been her favorite. He took one look at them, thought she might like them, and then realized that she was no longer around to enjoy the sight.

It's the grief that follows that always hurts the most.

But Ryland's not dead. He might as well be long gone already, but he's not really dead. He's out there somewhere, unconscious and unaware of the world outside of that ship. It's not over for him, not yet. He was just far away from Colt, incapable of returning.

What makes him any different from their mother in that regard?

Some time after midnight, he shifts over, sliding his arms under and around Jody to pick her up. She stirs against him, mumbling something beneath her breath but making no other complaints as he makes his way to their bedroom. He lays her down and pulls the blankets around her waist, leaning down to press a kiss against her head before returning to the living room to sit.

Eva Stratt had asked him if he would make the journey, knowing that there would be no coming back.

Maybe he would. But he doesn't think he could.

Even if the world was going to come to an end and freeze over, he wouldn't leave and kill himself light years away from Ryland and Jody. Someone else with more willpower could do that. How could he abandon them both to live alone, especially considering that he might not even send back a solution at all? Why risk dying so far away from them when he could stay and live the last of his years to their fullest with them by his side?

Ryland has people. He has Colt, he has Jody, he has the lady behind the counter at the cafe he frequents. He has the friends he must have made when he was helping the Petrova Task Force, he has his kids and colleagues at his middle school. He might not have thousands of people as close to him as Colt is, but he has them regardless.

He wasn't alone. It wasn't like there wouldn't be anyone to mourn him.

Why did it have to be him?

He knows why. Stratt went through the entire process of establishing Ryland's credibility and how he related to the mission. But why him? Out of everyone in the whole world, why did Ryland have to be recruited all that time ago?

Colt looks out the window and up at the moon.

Why him?

The moon does not answer.

It's hard to continue living normally.

Eventually, the launch of the Hail Mary becomes public knowledge. The details aren't too specific, but it's enough for everyone to know that there are three people on their way to Tau Ceti, and that they're going to send back info, and that they're heroes that will be remembered and published in history books to come, should they save the world.

It was supposed to quell the panic that was starting to spread. It does so for the most part, but the real fanatics are still raving about what the governments could be hiding.

Colt doesn't tell anyone about the practically confirmed doubts he has surrounding Ryland's involvement.

Sometimes he sees people do a double take on the streets. It's expected. While there were key defining features between the two of them, Ryland and him were still identical. With the faces of the astronauts all over the place, it was only fair that people would start to talk.

Colt keeps the sunglasses on more often than not.

It's not that he's ashamed. It's that even thinking about Ryland makes him sick to his stomach. His mind will start spiraling again, and he'll drive himself insane wondering what he's doing up there.

Jody had begged him to take a break from stunting, to reject the offers he was getting from various directors. He couldn't. It was the only thing bringing him peace, a quick moment of delusion where he could pretend that everything was fine and that Ryland was still on Earth, just somewhere secret.

He takes the hits without complaint. He doesn't bat an eye at how dangerous anything looks. Whatever it is, he can take it. He'll crash the vehicles, he'll make the jumps, he'll fall a hundred times over just so that he can focus on anything but the reality of his life. He stops asking about the specifics, stops listening to the safety instructions, stops caring about how secure something is unless a stunt rigger wants to check it first. He asks the directors for another do. Each take isn't enough, it's not believable, it's not authentic for the film. They go again, and he tries to feel anything but the emptiness in his chest, but the thrill does little to fill the hole.

He comes back home with bruises and cuts and doesn't bother to take care of them. He doesn't care about stimulating his back or eating dinner or brushing his hair. It's too much work, too much effort to put into a life where half of him was too far away to feel anything at all.

Needless to say, Jody doesn't let him.

It reminds him too much of how Ryland was back in those early weeks and months following the 'accident'. Jody doesn't yell at him or try to start fights. She just sits him down and scrubs his hair or makes him dinner or holds his hand throughout the night.

He wishes that he was strong enough to comfort her back. Ryland wasn't just his brother. He was important to Jody as well, and yet she was the one shouldering everything while Colt crashed like a flightless bird.

"He'd be upset with you right now." Jody tells him one night, fingers running through his hair. "You know how he gets when you get reckless with yourself."

Colt doesn't respond, but he thinks that there's no point because Ryland wouldn't ever know about it.

Thirteen years.

Thirteen years was how long it would take for Ryland to wake up.

Colt was barely getting through the first thirteen days after finding out.

And still, he hasn't cried once.

He wants to tell himself that it's just how he is, but makes him feel guilty anyway. How was he supposed to call himself Ryland's brother if he couldn't shed a singular tear for him?

Grover Cleveland has a name plate put up of him. He's mentioned on the news too many times for Colt to manage, brought up in conversations. Initially there was doubt surrounding his sending due to his background as a teacher, which Eva Stratt herself had cleared up and defending, citing his previous profession and numerous contributions to the cause.

Ryland Grace is a hero.

All Colt can think of him as is the little boy who was too nervous to go down the slide.

It's not fair.

Brushing things off is too easy when he has no connection to the event. He's sure that he would have never batted an eye at the launch if Martin Dubois was still alive and on the mission. He'd think about it maybe once and wonder how far along they are to Tau Ceti a couple of times a month, but he'd forget all about it soon after.

But that's not how things unfolded. It consumes his every waking moment, derails his dreams, haunts him wherever he goes. As the first month comes to an end, most people are barely speaking about the crew of Hail Mary anymore. They were just a small part of their lives, people they never got to meet or get to know. Just like grains of sand on a beach, they're just a few people in billions.

He should have been more pushy. He should have called more, messages more, demanded that Ryland take a break for once and visit so that the last thing they ever did together wasn't just joke around and believe that they had more time.

It feels like centuries ago that Ryland took that photo and disappeared.

Colt can barely stand to look at himself. Just thinking about looking into the eyes of the pictures of Ryland that flash across TV screens makes him want to hurl. Not to mention Ryland's phone, which has remained the only object in the second drawer of Colt's night stand, untouched since Stratt had handed it to him.

Just over a month after Stratt's visit, Colt sits down and opens up Ryland's contact on his phone.

He knew better than to scroll up too far, to see how clueless the two of them had been. He clicks on Ryland's picture, then exits out of it just as fast. He stares at that last message, wishes that it was true, and feels like he's looking at something that he's not allowed to.

When was the last time he'd heard Ryland's voice?

He opens up his call log. Unsaved numbers belonging to other cast members for various films. Jody, a lot. Dan Tucker every now and then. He puts his thumb on the screen, ready to swipe up harshly to slide all the way down, and then freezes. Slowly, he scrolls down to last month.

November 14.

1 missed call from Ryland Grace.

Oh.

Ryland had called. At about 3 am, when Colt had been fast asleep, oblivious to what might be going on wherever Ryland might be.

Hail Mary launched on the 23rd.

Dubois and Shapiro were killed 9 days before that.

Colt inhales sharply, lips parting slightly as he stares down at his phone.

Ryland had called. He had tried to tell Colt. To say goodbye. To ask for help. Stratt said that he didn't say anything about it.

He swallows thickly, clicking on the bar. Call back. Message. Check contact.

If he called, he must have left a voicemail. Ryland always leaves voicemails, he's a loser like that. Even if it's just something like 'call me back', he'll always leave something behind for everyone, though Colt never checks his.

Colt scrambles to the phone app, slamming his thumb down on the voicemail tab. He scrolls up and down frantically.

Voicemail full.

Full. It was full. He never listened to them and always just let them pile up, and this is where it got him. Ryland called and probably tried to leave a message but because Colt's a fucking idiot, he couldn't.

He tried to say goodbye. It wasn't Stratt's fault he couldn't. It was Colt's fault.

There are more voicemails from Ryland from ages ago he's never listened to. Some are longer than other. Hesitantly, he clicks on one of them.

Hey, Colt. Just letting you know that I'm probably going to be getting back late. Traffic's bad, I think there was an accident or something.

Back from when Colt was living with him after breaking his back. He remembers asking what took so long, just for Ryland to look exasperated and tell him to actually check his phone for once.

Taking a shaky breath, he clicks on another one.

Not important, but you'll never believe what this kid just answered for his unit test. I—yeah? Okay. Got it. Thanks. Gee, can't even tell you on voicemail. I'll show you later.

Colt remembers. Ryland had showed him the test later, with the kid claiming something silly like how the earth was two million years old or something.

He clicks on the next one.

Does Jody prefer pink or purple? Or other colors. Not to be…stereotypical or anything. Text me back soon.

Another one.

Call me back already, asshole! Everyone's saying you killed someone. Pick up the phone Colt. Please.

The next.

I keep sending you these even though you won't respond. It's kind of annoying, but I think you'll have to listen to them at some point. Whatever. It's been a while, so I was thinking we could talk soon. I'll admit it, it's a little boring when you're not around as much. If you're not going to hear this anytime soon, I might as well say that I miss you. Uhm…yeah. Don't do anything stupid. Call me back if you actually are hearing me.

Colt doesn't know when his eyes start burning, but it's hard to ignore once it's begun. It starts off slowly, tears escaping his eyes and dripping down his face, splattering against the screen as his hands start to tremble. His body begins to shake, his vision going completely blurry as a sob breaks through his lips. It gets worse, his chest aching as he bows his head, wrapping his arms around himself in the dark room, an immortalized version of Ryland's voice rambling on loop.

The screen fades to black, leaving him with nothing but himself as he tries to clamp his mouth shut to prevent the gasps from leaving his body. It burns. It hurts. It's what's been missing through this entire process.

He's done it now. He's accepted the fact that Ryland really is gone, that this is the most that he'll ever have of him again. Recordings, photos, messages. It's a fake version of him. It's not the real deal. It's not his brother. It's just the memories of him left behind.

It's the same as looking at those yellow tulips, but Ryland's in everything. He's in the way Colt's sunglasses rest on his face. Jody's habit of tilting her head when she's confused. The red fox stickers plastered on the windows of cars. The bicycles that pass him on the street. Anything that anyone does reminds him of Ryland in the worst possible ways.

He's not coming back.

Those moments of recognition are all that's left.

Colt covers his face with his hands and wishes that Ryland was there to pry them away.

Sometimes, Colt feels like he's failed.

Like he should have fought more for him when Stratt was standing before him. Yelled, thrown things, argue about anything and everything that related to him. That he should have told her how terrible of a choice she'd made, how selfish it was to take his brother away without batting an eye, without giving him the chance to see him one last time.

Or that he should have stopped Ryland from ever being confronted and brought into this mess. That he should have called it sketchy and asked him to come back immediately. It didn't matter how much he knew already, it wasn't worth it to keep going.

Little by little, he's been getting some of himself back. He stops taking such big risks and disregarding his safety. He starts eating properly again and getting sleep. It doesn't make things easier, and some days are a lot worse than others, but he's managing. Jody was right. Ryland would be pissed if he destroyed himself in his absence.

On days that he goes out walking, he wonders how the families of the other crew members must feel. They knew what they were getting into. They got a proper goodbye. Colt wonders if that makes it even harder for them. He thinks about Martin Dubois and Annie Shapiro, and he wonders how unfair it must be for them. That Dubois didn't even get to die in glory in space, that Shapiro wasn't supposed to end up dead at all.

He's still angry with the whole situation, but he thinks that he's starting to understand Stratt a bit. They haven't spoken since, but he's been thinking a lot about her and her visit.

It was logical, sending Ryland up there. It was the smart choice to make, the one that would save the project and the world. He understood the Astrophage, he possessed the gene, he had what it took. It was a choice between one man and the rest of the world, she believed.

If Colt had to make that choice, he wonders if he'd be able to do it. To send a person that he'd slowly gotten to know to his death for the sake of the rest of the world.

He doesn't think that he'd be able to make a decision at all.

Stratt was stronger than him in that aspect. She could.

They must have known each other. They must have been friends. or something along those lines. She trusted him to take the role. That meant something. They must have spoken a lot, collaborated, worked together throughout the entire process. Did they open up to each other at all, or did they keep each other apart, not wanting to cross the line of coworkers at all?

Then there was that look in her eyes when Colt had answered the door, the one break in her composure that she didn't let show again. He thinks that it might have been something almost close enough to sorrow herself, like looking at Colt's face made a difference, made it all too real, made her feel guilty for just a second.

She went all the way out to find him in person, to actually tell him. She could have pretended not to know, to let him find out through the news. She could have called him instead. But she flew out, found him, and gave him the entire rundown before telling him that Ryland was as good as gone.

Did it make her feel better? Prouder? Like she was redeeming herself for what she did?

Or was it protocol, something she was programmed to do?

Colt wishes he knew.

Grieving Ryland was weird. It could be loud and messy or quiet and unpredictable. It was hard to control. It was a whirlwind of feelings that couldn't be described, a rush at the most random times. He could just be ordering a drink or looking at a book or buying new shoes and his mind would jump to Ryland and stop him in his tracks.

Sometimes Colt would cry. Other times he'd remain cold and indifferent. He could never guess how he'd react to a little kid calling out to a Ryan across the road. Maybe his heart would jump up to his throat, or he'd block all the sounds out and quicken his pace as if trying to outrun his own thoughts. It's too much all at once.

He's nowhere close to accepting his death. Ryland still had his thirteen years left. He'd spend practically all of it in a coma, but the months that he got with the crew at Tau Ceti will mean something. It'll mean everything to the success of the mission, to the fate of the earth.

Ryland is important. Not just to Colt, but to the world. But he's not important to them in the way he is to Colt. They'll never know Ryland's favorite color or how he likes his eggs done. They'll never remember how he looked before he got his glasses, or how his lower lip would wobble before he began to cry. They'll never know how painfully good of a person he was.

Cars speed past him in the night as he puts one foot in front of the other, headed to an unknown location.

He wishes that he could have done more when Ryland was still within arm's reach. They had started taking their time together a little more seriously after Colt's fake death, realizing that life really was that temporary, but it still wasn't enough.

How many times had Colt told Ryland that he loved him?

Not enough.

He'd always wondered when Ryland would fly too far from home. He's always been too brilliant, so enamored by things that Colt could never understand. Their mother used to say that Ryland had been the one to take the lead when they were younger, babbling and walking and trying to get as far as he could by himself. It was only when they started going to school that their roles swapped, and suddenly Colt was taking charge and being loud and running as far as he could.

But that didn't mean that Ryland ever stopped chasing the unknown. He kept going. He went to college, he got his degrees, he challenged norms and made a name for himself in his field, even if he wasn't proud of it.

All throughout that journey, Colt feared that Ryland would get too far, and that it would be too late to try to chase him the moment he tried.

Look at him now.

It's been too long to start pretending that it didn't hurt. He called Ryland's phone and left voicemails when things got really bad. He messaged him with updates on his life, on stunts, movies, and Jody. He sent him photos of the two of them that would pop up from the gallery app with a notification that read 'Remember this?' like a taunting call.

Ryland wouldn't get to see them or respond. Colt can wish that he could, but it doesn't change the fact that his phone sits in Colt's room like an untouchable artifact, trapped in time.

Colt slows to a stop in front of a school. He pauses, looking towards the doors. The lights were all out, the playground empty, waiting for the kids to come back and occupy the swings and slides and bars.

Do his kids miss him at all? Did they wonder where he'd been when they moved onto high school? Did they cry for him when they saw who the scientist on the Hail Mary was? Did they mourn? Did they confide in each other and wish that they got a chance to actually say goodbye? It must have been just a normal day for them when Ryland disappeared. Now Mr. Grace was just a memory, with his own dedication in a building of kids who never got to take his class.

Would things have been really different if he got a chance at an actual goodbye?

Colt doesn't think so. It doesn't change anything about the end result. Ryland would be dead, and his findings would return to Earth in the probes.

He can think about the 'what ifs' all he wants. It won't bring Ryland back.

He continues walking until he reaches a clearing. He steps onto the grass, uncaring for the bugs as he lays down, limbs splaying out without a second thought.

There were no clouds in the sky. Just pure space, tainted by light pollution, far away stars too faint to fight against the man-made ones.

It wasn't going to get easier with a snap of his fingers. He was still going to mourn, to crash, to feel like nothing mattered on some days. Knowing that he was safe right now was no comfort for the fact that he wouldn't be by the end of the mission. But he could continue living knowing that Ryland was still around, just unreachable.

Ryland was passionate about the project. He must have been, or else he wouldn't have worked so hard for so long. He stayed there because he had a place with the Petrova Task Force. He belonged there. He mattered there. His contributions changed everything for them. He meant something, and that was the one thing that he'd been trying for throughout his whole career.

He might not have wanted to go to space, but Colt can't deny the fact that Ryland was capable. He could adapt to the new circumstances. He could help the other members of the crew. He could find out what made Tau Ceti different to save the sun. Stratt believed that he could do it. Colt would be damned if he didn't think so, too.

He raises his hand up, palms facing the sky like he could grab a chunk of it and bring it back down.

It felt like so long ago that Colt's biggest worry was Ryland returning home in time to see Jody's movie. They watched it together, but nothing about it felt right. Ryland should have been with them.

Instead, he's sailing through space, on his way to save the world.

He hates it, but he feels proud of him anyway, even if he hasn't done anything up there yet. He's done more than enough already. He shouldn't have had to go. But he's there now, and there's no reversing that.

Colt looks up at the night sky and wonders if Ryland is close enough to grasp the stars that had been just out of reach when he was down here.