Chapter Text
In primary school, I played the triangle. In reality, I was just banging the sticks against the metal until Claire giggled and everyone bickered at me in annoyance. We had scheduled plays in relation to our curriculum; there were many opportunities to see my bright-eyed best friend flaunt her pearly front teeth. Best of all, her eyes, the size of the moon, staring into mine as she spoke to me. Sometimes I would lose my train of thought and just endlessly get lost in the depths of her pupils.
Later in secondary school, looking people in the eyes became difficult to bear, I wanted to escape into my own mind and fall asleep between the wrinkles of my brain, where I could let imagination take it's own course and remember.
Remember the shining girl with ringleted hair. Remember the friend I had lost to time and place. Remember the girl my heart ached for.
It's simple, my heart ached for the friendship I could never recreate.
5th February 2004
Staring at the cracked paint plastered over the walls, I wondered what my life could've been like. Without bruises splattered over the lengths of my legs and arms, or without choppy ends of my hair because Mam says we can't afford the hairdresser's. Bringing my head down beneath the water of the crammed tub, I blew bubbles through my nose and watched them rise as my hair floated around me.
Breaching the surface level of the warmth, my brother's voice chirped from past the door. "Jesus Shan! Did you drown or what? Hurry up!" Taking that as a cue to leave, I wrapped my hair and body in a towel and walked over to my room. "Sorry Joey." I giggled, walking past his room and into my comforting space.
The purple pigment of the walls were peeling between the edges, and my books were neatly arranged on the floor, since there was no space elsewhere, illuminated by a lamp, since Mam says the big light uses too much electricity. It doesn't bother me, though, the cheap bulb reminds me of the luminescent lights that blare down on you in waiting rooms, or the hospital, or even school.
.
6th February 2004
"BEEP!.. BEEP!.. BE-" Jolting awake to a familiar annoying buzz, I slammed my hand down before another phase of ringing could pass and wake up Sean or Ollie, since I know both of them won't be able to fall back asleep afterwards. Stretching my arms and opening my mouth to release a gaping yawn, my mood is instantly betrayed by a reminder of the day ahead. Another day of torment. I can feel my throat beginning to bubble, the images of toilet cubicles and busy cafeterias and bright classrooms and-
"Shannon pet? Are you up?" I struggle to gulp down my worries in one go, and look up to meet Mam's eyes. "Yeah, I'm awake." She silently acknowledges my words and wraps her gown around herself, wobbling away to probably go take a hit of her cigarette and chug a few coffees before Dad wakes up.
Scraping my hair back into a loose ponytail, the only form of uniform in the chaos of my mind, I stare into the mirror. Am I going to live like this forever? In my plight, a rude awakening reminds me of my place.
"Shannon! Why the fuck aren't you at school? Did I raise you to be a lazy whore?" Looking up at the doorway of my room, Dad looms, his scraggly blonde- almost grey in his age-hair scruffing around his forehead. "Dad, it's only 6:30.. School starts at 7:50-" I stand up from the small seat, my frame inferior to his tall build, keeping my head down and avoiding his gaze. "Now you want to talk back to me?" I can smell last night's beer on his breath, probably celebratory of some sport. It doesn't matter. Dad would've drank either way. I stay silent, experiencing too many bad endings to attempt to achieve a good one. He stumbled over to me, took one look at me, and turnt to walk away.
Stopping at the door, he turns his head and mutters: "You look pathetic. Not pitiful. Pathetic." Blinking away tears, I froze. I wanted to shout back, scream and cry that he was wrong and I was more then his cruelty. But that wasn’t me, I could only pray that one day I would be a shouter.