Chapter Text
Whenever I used to walk to school, those cold early mornings with white breath that blew out of my nose and mouth, sounds of fawaway cars from their night jobs, and early risers taking the opportunity to get to work early, subways now just starting due to the rumbling under my shoes, I used to sing to myself. I wasn't allowed to use a phone back then, so I was bored walking to and from school. I hummed songs from overseas, mainly because I found the US and its music so appealing. Chick Habit was one of my favorite songs of all time, so the melody came easily. English, however, was never my strong suit in life, so the actual lyrics were pronounced strangely. It didn't matter, though, as that shitty cover was only meant to be heard by me. April March, Margo Guryan, and the Starwberry Switchblade were easily my favorite singers of all time, so I went back and forth between songs I liked from them whenever I walked alone in that tired trance. My house was at least 15 minutes from the high school I attended, so by the time I was done with the songs I could vaguely remember, I was waiting by the school gates and watching the sun fully rise, with its orange and blue stripes, the cold seeping away from my cold hands, and the leather messenger bag, as the sunlight vanquished the white breath away with every breath. The songs from my mind faded away as more kids and familiar faces started to pull in. My eyes drifted to see if I could recognize any silhouettes that were friendly enough to talk to me at 6 in the morning. Then I spotted the girl with pink hair, her felt trenchcoat pulling her into a natural squeeze. Like clockwork, every other day I saw them, she had another girl follow her, a girl whom I only knew as Sua, with her round eyes constantly focused and narrowed on Mizi.
"Hey, M-Mizi!"
Mizi looked up to see where her name was being called from, confusion crossing her face until she saw my hand sticking out from the huddling crowd, hopping silly like a child, praying that Mizi wouldn't just ignore me for being so silly. She heard my pleas and grinned as she came up to me, Sua in pursuit.
"Haha, hey Duian."
She giggled, the sleepiness still on her face, obviously trying to be polite towards my upbeat tone.
" I'm alright, what's up with you?'
"Nothing, nothing; just cruising."
"Just cruising, huh?"
"Yeah. Uh, did you dye the ends of your hair?"
She picked up a clump of her hair that ended at the waist.
"Yes, yes, I did. Does it look pretty?"
Blue streaks crawled up and eventually faded into her natural hot pink hair. She grinned as she shoved that clump of hair and threw it over her shoulder.
"It looks good. How did the homework go over from last class?"
"Huh? You mean like, uh, 6th hour, yeah."
Before I could even respond, Sua promptly ended the conversation, a face of amainosity towards me.
"The gates are opening up."
And just like that, Sua grabbed Mizi's hand and hurried away towards the still closed gates. I think Sua always heavily disliked me at best, but, as you'd find, Sua always heavily disliked nearly everyone at best, even people who did absolutely nothing negative towards her. Still, in retrospect, I was just being very invasive in their own special relationship, but hey, if I were with my boyfriend, I would also get pissed at an acquaintance who barely spoke to me in my day-to-day but chooses to speak to you and your lover at 6 am in the morning. I think that's what she always wanted. Just her and Mizi, and for everyone to fuck off somewhere else.
To just fuck off.
I stood there in pause from how aburbtly the conversation ended, as near-identical high schoolers brushed past me to the now-opening gates, my heart beating within my chest, and my mind distracted from the prior interaction, formulating how exactly to tell a man that I loved him, that I had forgotten that I was even trying to confess to my long-term crush that day, and that interaction with Mizi had shot that realization right back in my memory as my mind started to grasp what I was going to do.
Class passed by indifferently, hour after hour, just came and went, my legs stuck with every hour, as my mind formulated what I would say to him. This "him" and I'm sure you can guess, crush, was a classmate and someone I've known for a very long time, Acorn. I forget his real name now, but I always called him that because, as a child, he would chase the squirrels with his dark-bronze hair. I know it's a stupid nickname, but that was my first memory of him, and it's how I remember him nowadays. My mind could not formulate what I could ever say to express my love for him; every attempt at thinking gave a good speech about how I loved the way he would look out for me, regardless of how much I'd tease him, or how he'd let me eat lunch with his friends sometimes, buy me candy at the convienace store, but by the time lunch was approaching, I decided to just tell him outright that I loved him. Right there in that hallway, right after class ended. I leaned forward at my desk, anticipating hearing the bell ring by any minute, but as I focused on the sounds that were outside the classroom, I heard girls squealing from two rooms back. The sound enveloped the entire hall, as even the teacher had stopped blabbering and looked around in confusion. At first, only Mizi stood up and ran out into the hallway, but because we had a millisecond of class left, most of the entire class abandoned their seats to see what was going on, including the teacher, leaving just me and Acron.
"What the..?"
Acron glanced back to where I sat and left, and fled to the outside hall, leaving just me in the freezing classroom, as the bell rang for lunch to begin. I decided to bite my tongue and join the rest of my class, and to just wait for the commotion to die down for the confession; however, the hallway was so full of shouting and screaming and people that I couldn't see what was going on. I reached out to Acron, calling him to see if he'd turn and try to find where my voice was. The shifting crowd made it impossible to even find his silhouette. Unlike the two boys who had a whole crowd surrounding them, pushing and drowning my voice to the point where even if I could spot him, I was completely drowned out, both in voice and body, a girl stepped on my right shoe, which I promptly stuttered and stared at my loafer, assessing if there was any actual injury to what was my mildly brushed toe, from the right of me, somebody lefted their elbo and hit me in the rib, enough for me to be to almost collapse backwords, however, I managed to grab two other people's uniforms and managed to balance myself before stepping out to the outermost part of the crowd.
I have no idea why the universe made someone else confess that day, and how quickly my pride vanished, to the point I had lost all motive to even try confessing to Acorn. Maybe it was my lack of confidence at the time, how I barely had anyone truly care about me, except for him. But it was okay. I could always just try again another day.
Just try again another day.
I ate my store-bought chips slowly, never finishing them, as the crowd dissipated from the little confession that had happened. Pondering the most genuine question in my mind, would Acron even like me? I mean, it could be out of pity that he even interacts with me, like the same way Mizi does, the abandoned werid girl who sings to herself in the morning, just happy to be around people that tolorated her and pander to her empty requests until you eventually get bored after two minutes and move on with your life, praying that she never interacts with you for the next 24 hours because she wants to randomly slots into your friend group whenever she wants without nesscarily earning her spot there, not close to ANYONE in said group. Just someone from the background who just spawns into your life and never really leaves unless graduation saves your ass. The bell tolled, and the memory of the day from then onward was avisserated. I think I even fell asleep for the first time in class. It was so degrading, holding on for so long, that someone actually cared for me, but I think I did understand then, even before the week that would follow. I was basically inconsequential to any person's life; no matter how much I wanted to get closer to a person, I would mean nothing to them. I was essentially invisible to people.
I wasn't singing when I came back from school. I just brisked inside and shut the door behind me. I took off my shoes and crumbled to the floor. I wasn't necessarily sad about the day anymore. I just felt numb. I wanted to do something about my feelings, but I had no idea how to even express them. I got up and just stalked back and forth, pacing across the room with no thoughts in mind anymore. The evening passed, hour after hour, with me just standing there, unsure of what I was even supposed to do with myself. Within those hours, I had grabbed a box cutter and played with it in my hands. I wasn't really sure of what exactly I was doing at that point, just that a gross, morbid thought started to creep across my mind. I don't ever regret that day, though. For me, life would have been an ignorant blur of expecting more out of people; any deepening relationship, whether that be romance or friendship, was always going to be one-note or flat, because they would never have been more interested in me as a person. I wouldn't ever comprehend the real reason, ever, but I knew from that night forward, something had to change in me. My first real thought, outside of anyone else that would only benefit me, with a little tears, hoping that this would solve my answer in some way.
Let's see how much this hurts.