Chapter Text
“I’m really sorry,” Katsuki yelled, “I’ll—I’ll stop. I promise. I’m really sorry.”
“You’ll stop what?” Mitsuki demanded, holding the letter in her hands, her grip tightening, “Say it properly!”
“I won’t—” Katsuki’s voice cracked. “I won’t do it again, okay? I’ll stop. I’ll stop, so just—”
Mitsuki was crying too, her hands shaking, smearing the ink on Katsuki’s letter.
“Stop what, Katsuki?”
She wasn’t going to relent until Katsuki said it out loud, but fuck, Katsuki didn’t want to say it. He knew it sounded weak. Like he was trying to take the easy way out, or something, but fuck, he knew his mother wouldn’t give up. He was sobbing. Mitsuki was sobbing. He couldn’t breathe, and he just wanted everything to stop. But…
“I’ll stop trying to kill myself!” Katsuki finally choked, collapsing on the kitchen floor.
Masaru only stared in numb shock, his hand covering his mouth as he watched everything unfold.
When Mitsuki had asked everyone to come down to the kitchen for a talk, he hadn’t been expecting…this.
“K-Katsuki,” Masaru began, unable to process the pure horror of what he was hearing right now, “What is your mother talking about?”
“Isn’t it obvious?” Mitsuki shoved the letter into Masaru’s chest roughly, “Your son wrote a goddamn suicide letter!”
Katsuki had no idea when he started feeling this way.
It had always been a passive thought in his mind, for as long as he could remember, but…it had become unbearable…something he couldn’t ignore anymore after he saw All Might lose his powers when trying to save him.
It was his fault.
It was all his fault.
He had been too weak.
And now, All Might was no longer the symbol of peace.
And now the whole world was in danger.
Because he wasn’t strong enough.
The days after he got back to UA passed in a blur. He couldn’t help but feel this ache, this nagging voice in his head that kept on telling him it was all his fault. The thought in his head kept getting louder, and the louder it got, the more it pissed him off. He had tried to make sense of it, of everything that had happened. And then he failed the provisional hero license exam. Things kept getting worse in his head. He wanted to talk to someone about it, but he didn’t want to sound weak. The only person he could think of was Deku. And he had really tried. Really tried to want to talk to him, but like always, the damn nerd just pissed him off again, and they ended up in a fight.
During the fight, he had screamed, “I can’t get it out of my head. It’s like it’s constantly playing on loop!”
Eventually, he had Deku pinned down, crushing his leg into him. Fuck. Fuck. Deku was supposed to be the next All Might. The next fucking All Might.
And somehow—somehow—Katsuki had beaten him.
He had beaten him.
They were all screwed, weren’t they?
“WHAT THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?” he yelled into Deku’s face, applying more unnecessary force to pin him down.
He didn’t care if the entirety of UA heard him.
It was all his goddamned…stupid…weak-ass…fault.
The worst part was how Deku had looked at him afterward. Deku knew. Deku was pitying him. Deku knew he couldn’t express his feelings properly, and now it had all ended up like this. He wanted Deku to be angrier, to punch back more, to fucking get up and blast him across the training grounds, but he didn’t.
He fucking didn’t.
He just lay there under his grip, staring at him with those green eyes, barely even struggling as All Might finally came over and pulled Katsuki off Deku.
Katsuki was breathing heavily–Deku had put up a fight at least, and he had some scratches—but he felt worse than ever.
Eventually, they had both been led to Aizawa’s office, and he had been suspended for a week.
Great.
He’d tried to talk, and all he’d done was hurt someone again.
Another thing he couldn’t even do right.
That was how he found himself writing a suicide note.
He left it on his desk, stupidly, as he went out to train outside.
And now his goddamn mother had found it.
“What on earth were you thinking?” Mitsuki continued, snapping Katsuki out of his thoughts, her voice filled with so much anger and pain that Katsuki couldn’t help but feel even more like a failure.
He was so stupid. He should’ve hidden the letter better. Or at least just have gone through with it.
Katsuki didn’t know what to say. How could he explain?
He was supposed to be the best. The strongest.
“Mitsuki, honey,” Masaru said, still sounding anxious, “L-let’s all calm down.”
“CALM DOWN?” Mitsuki screamed, “How do you expect me to calm down when…when…”
Mitsuki finally dissolved into sobs, and Katsuki couldn’t bring himself to look up. He was still kneeling on the ground, staring at the floor, trying to control his own breathing, and that stupid, awful pain in his chest.
He heard the vague sounds of Masaru coming to his mother’s side and hugging her, comforting her, but all Katsuki could do was stay there, kneeling on the ground like a coward. A weak person. An idiot. He wanted to get out of this suffocating atmosphere. He couldn’t breathe. He got up and ran to his room. He heard his parents calling after him.
“Just leave me alone, you old hag!” he yelled back.
He felt so humiliated and naked.
He wanted to blow up the wall. Blow up something, but he couldn’t in his own house. Fuck. He wanted to hit something, destroy something, just get this awful feeling out of him. He could still hear his parents crying downstairs.
He saw a glass cup on his desk, half-filled with water.
Without thinking, he grabbed it and crushed it in his hands.
Immediately, because it was glass, it broke into sharp pieces, one of them slicing through his palm.
He hissed at the pain at first.
But he wasn’t going to lie. He liked it. He liked that it hurt.
What the hell was he thinking?
Katsuki immediately stepped back from the mess of bloody glass in front of him, terrified yet relieved at the same time.
What the fuck was that?
Why…did he like it?
No. He wasn’t like one of those freaks who liked to cut themselves for attention. He was going to be the number one hero. He couldn’t do shit like this.
He scrambled for a first-aid kit and quickly wrapped up his arm.
He was fine. He was normal. He just got angry. He still could be the number one hero.
There was a knock on his door.
“Katsuki…are you alright?” He heard his old man’s concerned voice through the door, “Look, I know your mother sounded angry…but she wasn’t. She’s just scared.”
A pause.
“We both are. Just…are you alright, son?”
“I’m fine,” Katsuki answered gruffly, trying to hide the panic from his voice.
“Can I…come in?”
“No.”
He heard his father take a deep breath.
“That’s alright. Just…make sure you say something before you leave to go back to school, okay? We’re…not mad that you got suspended. Just concerned.”
“I don’t need your concern.”
Masaru let out a bitter chuckle.
“I’m afraid that being concerned is our job as parents.”
Katsuki didn’t answer.
He stared down at the bandage wrapped around his palm, already stained red.
Concern.
What a useless fucking thing.
He was fine.
He was normal.
He was going to be the number one hero.
He never ended up talking to his parents before going back to school.