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When I hear Krell telling us everything, explaining his actions, joining Count Dooku and talking about clones like we were nothing, I feel something shatter inside my chest.
The Jedi General I trusted, whose orders I followed without hesitation, was a traitor. Force, I had almost executed my ori’vode because of Krell. I feel sick.
"It feels good, doesn’t it? But I can sense your fear. You’re shaking. Aren’t you? What are you waiting for? The Umbarans are getting closer." Krell mocks Rex, and I whimper weakly. I too can see that Rex’s hand is shaking. Or maybe I’m the one trembling, exhaustion and whatever Krell did to me finally catches up with my body and mind.
"I have to do this." Rex states, his voice lacking the previous confidence. "You can’t do it, can you?"
Krell mocks Rex, who hesitates, clearly uncertain about shooting the traitor, even if he has to. And I act on impulse. Despite binders on my wrists, I grab Fives’s blaster. "Eventually, you’ll have to do the right thing and-" Krell never gets his chance to finish his sentence. I aim and shoot. The plasma bolt hits Krell in the back, Besalisk crumples to the floor, dead.
Now, the eyes of every clone in the room are fixed on me. I flinch involuntarily.
"I-I had to. He betrayed us." I whisper, as Fives gently retrieves his DC-17 and holsters it. The ARC Trooper lets go of me, and I suddenly realise what I just did. I sink to the floor, trembling. Panic rises in my chest and my breathing speeds up. I blindly stare ahead, all coherent thoughts disappear, my mostly logical mind shutting down. Only one thought remains.
I killed him. I’m a traitor. I’ll be sent back to Kamino. I’m a bad soldier. Bad soldiers are decommissioned. They’ll decommission me. They’ll…
Firm hands, yet soft and gentle, grab my shoulders, steadying me. I whimper again, a sob escapes my throat.
"Hey, it’s alright, Dogm’ika. It’s alright now." A soothing voice whispers. I blink away the tears I don’t remember shedding. I shakily raise my head and see a few faces above me. Rex, Kix, Fives, Jesse. And Tup. My Tup’ika. My twin, who I almost shot, too blind to see the truth. I now know that it is Tup who holds my hand, and it’s his voice that’s whispering into my ear.
"Udesii, vod. Udesii, you safe. It’s okay. Ni olar." Tup says, but I just can’t focus on his voice. My vision blurs, white noise shrieking in my ears. I clutch my head tightly in my hands and scream.
"Tup, I need you to get his attention on yourself." I hear, but it seems to be coming from afar. I can see Tup nodding, and panic grows again.
What are they going to do? Tup, Tup, please don’t let them hurt me!
I gag with panic, and start to suffocate, and though Tup is doing his best to help me, I just can’t focus on my twin. Then, I feel a gentle prick in my neck, and feel the sedative taking hold of me. My body goes stiff from terror when terrifying numbness starts spreading across my body.
No, no, no! I’m supposed to have more time! I-I don’t want to die yet! Tup, help me!
My thoughts are racing, or more like spinning, the same ones keep repeating themselves until I lose all connection to the consciousness and slip into darkness.
*****
I jolt awake, screeching in terror. I look around, eyes darting wildly from left to right. Seeing Captain Rex, Fives, Tup and Kix does little to calm me. Especially Kix. After all, it’s usually medical personnel who deals with decommissioning. Of course, in most situations, it’s done by Kaminoans, but maybe they deemed me unworthy of their time and ordered Kix to kill me and then, give my body to them for an autopsy.
I shudder. The thought of being cut open on kaminiise’s table, in one of those clinical white rooms, even if I’m already dead at the time it happens, frightens me. Of not being able to simply melt among the stars, vanishing in nothingness. Instead, it looks like it was the lab on Kamino that awaits me, and their incinerator for 'defective' clones bodies.
"Easy, Dogma. Easy." I hear Tup’s voice. However, I’m still tense, still expecting the worst to happen anytime.
"Where…where are we?" I ask in small voice, curling up on myself in an attempt to make myself appear smaller, like I could disappear by that alone.
"On board of Resolute, in the holding cell." It’s Tup who answers me, his voice small and full of compassion, despite what happened.
"Dogma…I’m sorry. The…the kaminiise want answers for…they have ordered your shipment back to Kamino, immediately." Rex whispers, regret in his eyes. My eyes widen with fear and I feel the tears beginning to well up from my eyes, as I cling to Tup’s hand like a lifeline.
"May I…say a private goodbye to him,
before…please?" Tup asks shakily, and Rex nods, gesturing the other to leave the small room that we’re in, and walks out himself. The red ray shield immediately comes to life, humming lowly.
As I’m alone with Tup, I can’t hold it anymore, and neither can he.
"Dogm’ika…ni ceta…" Tup slowly whispers, his voice barely recognisable through his tears. My breathing hitches, and I stifle a sob. But judging from a sound that comes out from my mouth, I fail at it.
"It’s…it’s okay, Tup. It’s not…it’s not your fault." I manage to choke out, snuggling closer into Tup’s chest, trying to memorise his scent, his looks, so I can imagine he’s here when the kaminiise kill me. With my teary eyes, I look up at Tup, saving his face in my memory. His bangs that come loose from the bun on the top of his head. I manage a weak smile, and ignore the sob that follows it.
I can’t tell how long we stay here, hugging each other so fiercely, that there’s seemingly nothing that could take me away from him. But those moments fly by way too fast for me. The ray shield lowers and Rex enters again, Fives staying few steps behind the Captain. My shoulders sag with resignation. "Is…is it time?" I whisper hoarsely. When Rex nods in confirmation, I hear Tup heave a sigh. My twin pulls me into a keldabe, which I return, desperate to confine the violent trembling of my body. I’m only partially successful.
"Ret'urcye mhi, Tup’ika." I whisper softly, taking in the image of his face one last time. "Ret'urcye mhi, Dogm’ika." He replies and helps me get up.
I obediently let Fives put the binders on my wrists, straightening my back a little, fully aware of four shock troopers (how they were sent here so quickly?) pointing their blasters at me.
*****
When we reach the hangar, the shuttle to Kamino is already waiting. When I walk up the ramp, and it starts to lock, I take one last look at the hangar deck. Captain Rex and Fives already walked away, but one small figure remains. I can no longer see his long hair pulled into a bun, or his face, but I see his right hand outstretched in my direction and I imagine his cheerful eyes, back in our cadet days, when the ramp finally locks into place and cuts me away from Tup, forever. I sigh when the shock trooper harshly spins me and drags me to the cargo hold. I see a gurney, hovering a meter above the floor, restraints already prepared. The shock troopers usher me to lay on the gurney and one of them removes my binders, while the other keeps me in place. Not that I’d even try to escape. First, I can tell from the pitch of the engine that we’re already in hyperspace, and second, they’d shoot me before I’d be out of the cargo hold. I let myself be strapped tightly to the gurney, desperate not to cry again, not to show the shock troopers that I’m afraid of what’s coming. I’d find no comfort from their side. For them, I’m a traitor. A threat to be neutralised before it can deal more damage. My breathing shudders slightly as I close my eyes, not wanting the journey to end, because I know what is waiting at it’s destination.
******
It’s happening. We land on Kamino, and the gurney starts moving forward. No matter how I crane my neck, I can’t see where we’re going, though I don’t need to see it to know that.
It’s raining on the landing pad. It’s always raining here. I don’t close my eyes. I never minded the rain falling on my face. It is soothing, always helps me to calm. I hope it’ll have similar effects now, in the final moments before my death. The water that dampens my face feels almost like the skies of Kamino itself are mourning, except I know that this planet cares as little as the kaminiise themselves.
We enter the facility, the blinding white of it’s walls makes me squint my eyes a little.
"Take CT-6922 to my main lab. I’ll be there soon." I hear Nala Se’s clinical, emotionless voice ordering the shock troopers. I swallow nervously and feel the gurney moving, taking me forward towards my demise.
It feels like ages, and mere seconds at the same time before I hear the door hissing open and we enter the room. When I see Nala Se enter, my eyes widen a bit. "CT-7496, CT-5823, you’re dismissed." She says. "Yes, Doctor!" They shout, saluting and turning on their heels in perfect sync. They stride out of the room, leaving me alone with the kaminiise scientist. I avoid her clinical gaze. It was always chilling me to the core, those eyes. My gurney hovers above the floor and lands on something. I look around and find myself on the operating table. The harsh, artificial lights blinds me, so I close my eyes. There’s a heart monitor beeping in my side, clearly connected to me.
I feel Nala Se sticking a thin needle into the inner side of my forearm, just below the elbow joint. The bright red blood flows to the vial, quickly filling it. Kaminoan scientist removes the needle and wraps a small bandage over the small wound. She’s gentle, but not in the way Kix was when he treated my blaster wound from my first battle, right after deployment.
Her gentleness is more clinical, chilling. Just a scientist, who’s coldly examining a test subject, trying to determine what went wrong with it, before terminating said subject. At that, I can’t hold back a shiver.
The gurney that I am strapped to shifts. I’m moved into a large tube, likely an atomic scanner. My body stiffens when the scanner comes to life, a bright blue light envelopes me. The scan’s mainly focused over my head. I draw in a harsh breath as it sends spiking pain through my skull, my brain. A pained whimper escapes my throat. The Kaminoan pays no mind to my distress. In fact, she seems to increase the scan’s power. I can’t hold back my scream, it almost feels like my skull was splitting in two. Finally, Nala Se takes my gurney out of the scanner, the bright white lamps blinding me again. I hear the hiss of the door opening and closing and crane my neck to look around the room. I’m alone. Nala Se left. I carefully test the straps. Nope. I can’t free myself, they’re too tight. I can only wait for the Kaminoan’s return.
I don’t know how much time passes, before the kaminii returns. I hear a clatter nearby, Nala Se is undoubtedly preparing the drug that’ll kill me. I’m doing my best to keep my breath steady, to hold back the tears and push down my fear. I prepare myself for what’s coming, for darkness and reunion with the other three of my batchmates.
Tup, I wish you were here, vod. I’m sorry, for everything you’ve suffered because of me. I hope that somehow, Tup can hear it. That the supposed bond between clone twins really exists.
I brace myself for the administration of the substance. I can swear that I can see Tup’s face, his eyes full of sadness, fixed on my face. His little, shy smile, angling his lips.
When Nala Se injects the lethal substance, I barely register it, for first few seconds.
Suddenly, without warning, there’s burning across my whole body, setting every nerve in my body aflame. I want to scream, but I can’t. Then, it abruptly changes into crippling numbness spreading from my neck to the chest, to my arms, my legs. My eyes close, terror settling in my stomach once again. I feel sleepy…I can rest now…
No! I-I have to fight it! I don’t want to die, not like that!
I start thrashing wildly against the restraints, my back arches. I try to kick blindly to the side, hoping to hit the scientist, but in vain. I can’t move my limbs, or control my body whatsoever. I feel my breathing speeding up, heart racing, but I know that this is a lost battle already. The blackness creeps into the corners of my vision, and I feel my spirit failing, my body’s shutting down. I can’t breathe. I feel my body start to tremble, limbs twitching uncontrollably. And I again feel something I’ve grown accustomed to in my short life.
I’m afraid. Why am I scared? I-I shouldn’t be!
I try to force myself to stay awake, tears go down my cheeks. The burning fades. Everything fades. I think of the regulations I memorised at six years old. I think of Puncher’s hand in mine. I think of Tup’s hair, loose from its bun. I followed my orders. In the end, I followed my orders. Maybe that’s enough.
The last thing I think I hear is the continuous, high-pitch whine of a heart monitor, informing of a life signal flatlining, though I can’t be certain, perhaps I’m imagining things.