Chapter Text
Mikuo had known Len for a few years. That's about the beginning of 8th grade, where they met in Mr. Shion's math class. They don't talk a lot, but to Mikuo, this is the closest he's been to anyone in years.
Usually, Len hangs out with his sister because Mikuo is too shy to actually have conversations in fear of something awful happening between the two, because he has an awful sense of dread when he's with Len. It's intoxicating, and even though it feels awful, he can't stay away from him.
It's mid-April, fifth period, and Len's teacher is out sick, leaving his class to be split. Usually Mikuo just watches Len from the hallway during passing, but maybe they'll get to talk.? Yes, Len gets to go to Mikuo's class!
He watches Len walk in, but he doesn't even look at him. Len goes right to some person he's never seen before. Immediately Mikuo goes to the bathroom, because this is way too much, it makes him want to cry his lungs out. He's so happy he brought his razors to school today. Blood is always good at making him stop crying.
The teacher gives Mikuo a look as he walks back in, knowing he took well over 10 minutes in there. He ignores her stare and sits back down to draw. Len is still talking to that stranger. Mikuo's heart fills with an uncomfortable, heavy heat he can't seem to place. Jealousy? No, that's not how that feels. He can't be lonely, because he's surrounded by people. Deep down he knows something is fucked up about both himself and his brain, but isn't willing to dissect himself just yet.
The class is over after a begrudgingly long time, so the two go their separate ways. It's like watching someone stare at you while you get shot, except Len isn't noticing it even though they were supposed to be friends.
Lunch time, but unfortunately they have different lunches so Mikuo just stares at him.
He can only imagine what Len thinks of him. He would text him, but that might come off as needy, right? A note would be too ominous. Everything seems like too much, and he'd be mortified if he was the reason for such a large rift.
For the rest of the day, he drifts into a dream-like state, imagining all the things he could've done and what Len thinks of him. Before he knows it, the day is over and it's time to go home.
He waits for him to leave his class as usual, and, as usual, watches him leave. But this time, he catches up to try talking to him.
Len is about to get on his bus, but stops as Mikuo taps his shoulder. "What's up? Do you want something?"
"Why, uh, did you not sit with me? You were split to my class in fifth.." He shifts his weight nervously, hoping his face isn't getting flushed.
"Sorry, I thought we were kinda not friends anymore, since we don't really have any classes.. We can totally if you wanna, though. I always thought you were so cool, you might not want to. Since I've kinda lightened up my pallet since last year, with all this blue." He smiles in a way that tugs at Mikuo's heart.
"N-No, no, no no no, I was so scared of coming off as desperate, I do! I do WANt to be friends!" He clears his throat after hearing a voice crack from his anxiousness. "I do want to be friends. Please, keep being close to me."
Len hugs him from the side before getting on the bus, leaving Mikuo under the cloudy sky. That made him feel so much better about everything.
(ᵕ • ᴗ •)
After being home a while, he decides to do his homework. It's some stupid math, which he looks up and decides to doodle all over the sheet. After grabbing the folder to put it in, he realizes that what he drew might get him sent to the counselor. Himself getting shot and Len with hearts all over him probably seems weird to adults.
Sleep comes easily, but his dreams are visions of getting rejected and stabbed. Bleeding out while looking at the person you've loved the most EVER is not a good feeling, even if it was a dream.
Getting ready for school the next morning was a blur, but he finds himself on the bus, happy he'd changed the top layer of his bandaids and put an extra five in his bag (just in case), because cutting to fat always ends up bloodier than you think.
He sees Len get off his bus right before his own pulls up, happy he's here today. Quickly, Mikuo catches up.
"Len, Len, hi!! How are you?"
"Oh, hi, I'm pretty tired. I have a stupid test in history today. I think I'd rather die..." Mikuo yawns soon after Len does.
"I'll help you study for the next one, okay? I'm good at school!!" That's a half-truth, because he WOULD be good at school if he didn't stay home so often.
Len opens his mouth but the bell rings, so they go in together.
"Also, who were you sitting with yesterday? If you're friends with them, maybe I should be, too", Mikuo says, partly joking because in all seriousness he's jealous.
"Some annoying loser Rin hangs out with. Fucker's name is Jacob or something. He has some fuckass anime accent and adds random Japanese words into his language. He's asked Rin out like 3 times, next time I swear I'll beat the shit out of him!"
Mikuo adds that to his mental notes."I can help, if you want." Len nods vigorously. "Yes please! Maybe drop a note on his desk or something, like 'stay away from len and rin!'. Ahh wait, that sounds kinda dumb.. Like an omegaverse fanfic.. Alright, you can make it yourself."
Mikuo decides to take the idea and write a note later. But for now, he wants to make sure he and Len stay friends. "I'll try not to let you down. So, how have you been? I love your new style. Tenshi kaiwai, right? It looks good on you!"
"Yes, actually! I've been alright, not much has been happening. Sometimes I wear clothes like this but sometimes I wanna wear kinda what you do, like black, because I'm not always so happy. Alright, I need to eat some breakfast, or I'll definitely fail this test!" He grabs Mikuo's wrist and walks him to the cafeteria.
There's one appealing thing, but he doesn't wanna seem like a cow to Len, so he says he ate before he came here.
Len eats slowly, talking more than eating. They just talk about what's been going on with Rin, some of their teachers issues, their grades. Mikuo's heart isn't in it, but if Len's talking, he can't say anything.
The bell rings, but Mikuo wouldn't mind being late if he got to walk Len to class. So he does, and Len hugs him just as tight as he did the day before. "See you later!"
Later comes, after lunch, in a surprise assembly about maybe the dumbest thing. Vaping. Only a few people in the whole school vape, and an assembly isn't going to do anything. The vaping thing turns into a rant about all kinda of addictions. Mikuo doesn't pay much attention until the principal says "self destructive tendencies" and lists "cutting " as one. He visibly tenses up, and Len pretends not to notice until a bandaid falls from his pocket.
Len picks it up and puts it back into his pocket, tilting his head and pouting to silently ask what, or why. Mikuo gets sick to his stomach. He feels everything ranging from fear to nausea to guilt, and it tears at his gut and lungs, making it hard to breathe. He finds himself putting his hand over Len's, wanting him to know it's okay. He'd rather die than have this happen right now, so the best thing to do is pretend nothing happened. He can explain it away later if he doesn't trip on his words. Maybe he could pretend one of his family members used to self harm? Or suicide? His grandfather did actually kill himself, so maybe that's a good answer.
The assembly goes on for an uncomfortably long time, leaving Mikuo lightly shuddering. Once they leave, he tells Len, as vaguely as possible, he has trauma from his family self harming. Len luckily seems to understand, and says "You can reach out if you wanna talk about it." Unfortunately his words seem hollow, like looking up something on google and it telling you "call 988 if you're feeling suicidal, you're not alone", as if those suicide hotlines give one fuck about anyone anyway. Mikuo just nods, wanting to seem polite enough for this to not drag on any longer.
"I'll see you tomorrow, okay? I'm going home."
"Now??" Len blinks in shock. "There's still 2 periods left, are you going to walk or something? That's dangerous, you know!"
"What, are you gonna go with me? No, because you're careful about your grades, so stick to doing your work, okay? You'll get somewhere if you stick to doing well here." Mikuo catches Len off guard by patting him on the head.
"But you.. Come on, you'll have a heat stroke or something! Stay here. Please. Please stay here." The care feels like perfume, like everyone around you gets it into their clothes, too, so you aren't completely unique. "We're friends, you can't just do that!"
"Really, it isn't so far, plus I'll just go to a store nearby if you're so afraid!" He tilts his head a little. "I would stay but I'm scared I'll do something weird. Like I don't have any examples, but I'm scared I might. So I'll see you, okay?"
"Alright, since I can't change your mind.. But, seriously, Mikuo, don't get hurt." Mikuo wants to sob his lungs out by the tone in his voice, so he attempts to leave as soon as he can.
Len looks hurt as he looks back after opening the gate but doesn't stop him. He runs immediately when out of sight of Len, wanting so bad just to cry and for this to be over. Everything takes so long.
He hangs out at a shop about two miles away from the school, sitting on the floor and charging his phone, unable to stop himself from looking at pictures of Len he took. By the time he sees the time has turned to 1:30 he decides to go home because it takes a long time to get home and school is out by 2:55.
.·°՞(˃ ᗝ ˂)՞°·.
About a week goes by where the two just talk and talk and talk about things neither of them care about. He was able to write a note to Jacob that didn't sound incredibly corny and got him to stop talking to Rin and Len. That made him feel very good, because it feels like there's less competition now. But there's always a thought lingering on his mind.
What if Len is straight?
What if Mikuo isn't his type?
What if he isn't skinny enough for Len's taste..?
He tries to push it away, but that would lead him to become distant, and all he wants is this love to fill him forever. He doesn't want to date him. He wants it to be a mutual crush forever, so he never has to worry about falling out of love, or becoming too comfortable anf fucking up. The butterflies need to last forever. The giddiness needs to last forever. The feeling of uncertainty needs to *last* forEVER. It hides everything else he feels, like morphine. All he wants is pleasure and soft pain to remind him he's alive so he never stops feeling like this, not even for a minute. Love needs to consume his mind forever, because he really is nothing without that.
"Len, do you want to hang out after school?"
"What day? What time?" It's amazing he didn't say no.
"Any day, any time. Do you want to?"
"Is tomorrow night good? Maybe you'd stop skipping to have lunch with me if we hung out of outside of school..."
'Fuuuuck he's catching on' "What no we've always had lunch together." He coughs to cover up this obvious lie. "Yes tomorrow would be awesome. My house?"
Len nods, then leans over to draw a flower on Mikuo's hand. It isn't very good, but it still sent shivers up his spine.
"Thank you. That means a lot to me." The two smile at each other after those words leave his mouth. "Well, I'll see you."
Mikuo's exit is sudden, even for himself. Why on earth did he just leave??
⠀( ´ཀ` )
Tomorrow finally arrives, and school drags by just a bit faster than yesterday. If either said they weren't excited, they'd be lying.
Len spots Mikuo's teal hair easily as he scours the road for his house. Luckily he's just standing outside in wait for him, so there's no need to read the numbers.
He waves him over and they go inside. His house is furnished with dark colors, mixed with neon pink, light blue, and some splashes of yellow in certain areas. A particular shelf has been disturbed recently, shown by the dust being gone while everything else has a thin layer. The contents of the shelf are a covered picture frame as well as a mix of candles and plastic candles. Beside those are little trinkets, like a doll crown and a small jar of glitter.
There are a few doors, but Mikuo of course leads Len to his room first, but not before showing him the kitchen! Len is always supposed to feel like a prince around him, that's only fair for how good he's made Mikuo's life.
Every room in his house has small places full of visibly new things, even his room. It looks like something had been removed because there's an empty space beside his desk where something rectangular sat.
"I love all the plushies you have!", Len exclaims, a bit too loud, but it's okay because only they're home. He picks one up from the hammock Mikuo's stuffed animals sit in. It's a fox with glittery patches on its fur.
"Thank you, you can have some if you want!" He rubs his right eye, looking at Len still. "Just not the cat, I've had that one forever."
Len nods and soon is found sprawling out on Mikuo's bed. That will be amazing later.
"Are you going to sleep?" He laughs to cover up his discomfort. He fucking hates when people sleep while they hang out. "Come on, I'm not THAT boring, surely?"
"We wake up sooo early, of course I'm a little tired.. You should sleep, too," he starts muttering and pats beside himself. "Come here, man."
Before he can stop himself, he lies down beside Len. "I guess we can sleep a bit.."
It feels like a river has parted them, Mikuo feels. They're beside each other, but Len seems like he's trying to stay away. What could that be about?
After an eternity, Len closes his eyes. They hadn't been talking at all for the past 15 minutes, but his heart felt as heavy as always. It's like "going-to-vomit" lite.
He pokes him, to make sure he's sleeping, not just pretending. Because you can't really sleep without pretending to first. He doesn't stir when tapped anywhere. Not his face, not his arm, not his leg. Not his... thigh. Wow. He really is sleeping. Either sleeping or really good at acting.
Slowly, as slow as he can, he leans his head over to rest on Len's shoulder, because luckily, he's facing the ceiling.