Archive of Our Own

When was the last time you were passed over for a role?

Joshua takes in a breath. Instinctual regret washes over him the moment his message to Junhui sends. And still, he resists the impulse to unsend. He fights against the small voice—a voice that sounds suspiciously like his younger self—that tells him it’s better to keep this to himself and not bother anyone with his problems.

He knows that’s not true. By now, he’s learned it’s better to talk about the feelings that have been bottling up instead of suppressing them.

The sight of his own text, yet to be answered, makes his stomach churn nevertheless. What was he thinking dropping a message this loaded in the middle of Junhui’s day?

Sorry. You must be busy.

Joshua’s thumb hovers. He takes another deep breath and releases it, stopping himself from adding you can ignore me, at least. The thing is, he doesn’t want that. There’s a reason he thought about reaching out to Junhui about this, thought about it long enough to take the leap and do it.

Reaching out to Seungcheol is out of the question. He has enough self awareness to recognize he’s in the midst of a weird head space and it will pass. It’s not that big of a deal to bother and worry their leader about, even though he also has self-awareness to see he’s being ridiculous.

He could talk to Jeonghan, but Jeonghan knows him better than anyone else. Joshua can practically predict his response and his gentle consoling. Something about being that vulnerable and known feels uncomfortable right now though.

In a similar way, Minghao would listen and know the right thing to say. He means well, but when filtered through Minghao’s reasonable voice, he imagines he’ll feel even more silly for being so bent out of shape.

Junhui, on the other hand—Junhui is safe. Like the others, Junhui wouldn’t judge him, but it’s more than that; Junhui has always had this reliable, easier air to him. He doesn’t push for more than what Joshua can give. If there’s anything he can count on Junhui for, it’s his ability to lighten the mood. That’s exactly what he needs right now to combat the mess in his head lately.

In another life, Joshua might’ve been a cartographer. For a guy who once upon a time didn't have a path or a big dream, he’s patted himself on the back for finding it all on his own. Through SEVENTEEN. It wasn’t always easy but each comeback and promotion period gave him a goal to work toward. It was predictable, steady and sure.

All the members have enlisted. The members who discharged are recuperating while the rest who never left are busy with their own activities. He can’t say the same for himself. He’s found himself in a strange new temporary period of limbo.

Idol Joshua has a world of possibilities, yet he and his team haven’t been able to decide on a direction to take. With no time constraints, they don’t need to rush the decision; he can take his time writing songs that satisfy his perfectionism, and it’s both a blessing and a curse.

UTA has been helpful but not enough to bring him the right opportunity yet. No news, nothing immediately lined up. For now. Contract renewals went well and change has never been scary to him, but suddenly, somehow, it is.

In theory, it should be nice to have a little break for once where there’s no schedule on the calendar. But at the same time, he can admit it: he’s restless. A small part of his brain overlooks how this is temporary, overthinking about what this future—suddenly opaque—looks like for him. All the extra time only gives more time for the roots of his anxiety to grow tall and sharp and the worst part is he knows he’s better than this.

Shua-hyung! No apologizing! We’re on a break 😺 You know I’m never too busy for you~

I know

Thanks Jun

Any time! For your question

Do you want the real answer or the honest one?

They’re not the same?

No!

Surprise me

...It hasn’t happened in a while

Of course, our Junhui is a star

ㅋㅋㅋ

Are you okay?

I will be

I’m just feeling lost and not like myself lately

It’s hard to explain

That’s hard I’m sorry

Hmmmm

Do you have anything going on?

No that’s the problem

So there’s nothing you’re tied to right now?

No

I’m filming in Shaxi right now. It’s beautiful and quiet here. You should come

That looks really nice I’d love to go one day

No I meant

You should join me. We wrap up filming soon and I was planning to stay through the end of the week to enjoy it more

It could be fun to see you

You’re serious

I talk to locals and other visitors here. Lots come to get away from everything for a little bit

It’s a small town so I’m not sure about the rooms but I can ask around

or you can stay with me. No bunks!

I have to go back now but think about it! The offer is open 😸

In less than twenty four hours, Joshua boards a plane. Destination: Dali Fengyi Airport (DLU).

If Joshua doesn’t feel like himself lately, he may as well lean into it, right? It’s not like him to go on a trip like this on a whim, to a place he’s never been, to a small ancient town in Yunnan. A place so far off the beaten path it’s not the most accessible by bus or train.

Los Angeles to Seoul, the city is his home—it raised him, adopted him, taught him how to live, grow, and exist. To be in a city is to be in perpetual forward motion; there’s a rhythm to follow, a pace to keep up with lest you find yourself free-falling, and who knew this better than an idol like Joshua Hong?

But now he’s had enough of his overthinking. He needs a real break. A change. If he changed his environment enough, maybe he can find a change within himself, too. A better version that knew how to be in stillness, in pause and suspension.

Joshua considered Junhui’s offer for a total of five minutes, a record best. Without a second thought, he fired off a text to his manager and received clearance to travel alone for leisure. He responded to Junhui’s offer, arranged transportation, and packed a bag. He’s going to Shaxi and not even he himself can stop it.

Right before takeoff, he sends a message to Jeonghan.

If anyone asks, I’m going to see Junhui

You're going to see Junhui?

He invited me to Shaxi

He invited you to Shaxi??

Oi! Stop copying me

I’m just surprised

ㅋㅋㅋ

What brought all this on?

He asked me to come and I accepted

ㅋㅋㅋ

What?

Nothing ㅋㅋㅋ

Have fun with Junnie

I don’t like your tone

I’m gonna go bye

Joshuji! Wait!

?

ㅋㅋㅋ

Will there only be one bed?

Joshua turns on airplane mode. He doesn’t gratify him with a response, even if there is only one bed.

⛰︎ ོ༄

The journey is long.

After a connecting flight in Shanghai, the plane finally, finally touches down during the last dredges of sunset. If he wasn’t already rousing awake by the time the pilot announced their descent, the intensity of the turbulence is enough to rock him into tomorrow. At least the mountains look beautiful on the way down.

He doubts anyone caught wind about his last minute travel plans, but he keeps a mask on just in case to avoid attention until he settles into the car. His driver—a kind, old man called Lao Zhao—greeted him with a handwritten sign with Joshua’s name on it.

It would be another two hours until he’s at his destination, so he sends a message to Junhui to give a heads up about it before he loses service.

At first, the drive is quiet as they navigate further away from the city lights and into the dark, winding roads. He can already feel that, in a strange way, the travel to Shaxi is quieting his usual ruminations. All he can do is observe. Outside the window, the endless pine trees eventually spit them out into the mountain pass and underneath a canopy of stars unlike anything he’s ever seen before.

Joshua is glad he put in so much work into learning Mandarin when Lao Zhao starts up small talk, and is surprised he can carry the conversation.

“Why come to Shaxizhen at this time?” Lao Zhao asks.

He didn’t seem to know who he was; he could be anyone, make up a story or spin the truth, be someone else. And yet…

“To rest.” Joshua eventually answers, trying to pull together the right words and communicate with intention. “To… find myself, I think. My friend invited me to come.”

Lao Zhao meets his gaze from the rear view mirror. The man smiles and shifts his gaze back to the road. “Shaxizhen is a good choice. Very quiet. Your friend is a good friend.”

“He is.” He thinks about Junhui, having wrapped up his filming for the day, staying up and waiting for him to arrive. “It will be nice to slow down for a little while, you know?”

“Yes. I meet many who come for the same.”

“I like that,” Joshua says. “Knowing I’m not the only one.”

Lao Zhao nods with a hum. “To be with a good friend in such a place is like bathing in the spring breeze.”

That’s a new chengyu for him. It makes Joshua pause. “Bathing in the spring breeze? I don’t know that.”

“Rú—mù—chūn—fēng,” Lao Zhao enunciates, slower. “It means being with someone who makes you feel welcomed and at ease. You will feel the gentle spring again in Shaxizhen.”

He doesn’t fully understand it yet, but he thinks he has an idea, wants to believe he’ll grasp the meaning by the end of his stay.

⛰︎ ོ༄

The car comes to a halt outside the East Gate.

“No cars from here,” Lao Zhao tells him, right before opening his door to retrieve Joshua’s suitcase from the trunk. Joshua steps out into the crisp, cold air and accepts it from him. “Wherever you need to go shouldn’t be far.”

“Thank you, Lao Zhao.”

He watches the taillights disappear down the road. Then, it’s him alone. Joshua pulls out his phone to read over Junhui’s directions again. Indeed, the walk isn’t far, only about five minutes.

The cobblestone streets are quiet aside from the sound of his suitcase rolling and stumbling over rock. At this time of night, there’s barely any people around. The warm yellow glow of the gate dims behind him as he walks further away from the main entrance; the light thins, emanating from only a few shop and home exteriors.

Upon finding the location of the inn, he pushes the gate open with a low creak. Joshua gasps. Even at night, the courtyard garden is gorgeous, teeming with foliage and potted plants, with benches, tables, and chairs to relax in.

“Shua-hyung?”

Joshua looks up and finds Junhui’s excited face peering down at him from the second floor balcony. He leans over the wooden railing wearing an oversized gray hoodie and sweatpants, his hair damp and likely fresh from a shower.

“You made it!”

Before Joshua can answer, Junhui zooms over and down the stairs to meet him, bursting into the courtyard only a moment later.

Joshua laughs when he skids to a stop in front of him. “Ah, Jun-ah. Never change.”

“Never,” Junhui whispers conspiratorially. He reaches for Joshua’s suitcase, fingers brushing over his, and hisses. “Aish, your hands are freezing! Come up, I prepared us some tea. It’s a long drive, wasn’t it?”

As he follows Junhui up the stairs, they easily slip into casual conversation. He confirms that yes, the trek here was a new experience but it wasn’t bad. It was rather nice. Junhui relays his own experience coming here, sharing how cool it was to see the rice fields and landscape during the day, and how he wishes Joshua was able to see that view.

Outside their door, Junhui points at the wicker chairs and table. “There’s this nice terrace set up if you want to sit out here in the mornings, but look at this…” He unlocks and brings Joshua inside, revealing a traditional style room that’s bright and spacious.

“Ta-da!” He says after opening another door leading to the balcony. In the dark, Joshua can barely make out the view overlooking the river and hills. “I swear, so much cooler before sunset.”

For a moment, they stand there together looking out and listening to the evening soundscape—the river, leaves rustling in the wind, and below somewhere Joshua can’t tell, a faint sound of handpan drumming.

Joshua smiles. “I believe you.”

They step back inside and shut the door, encasing themselves in the room’s warmth. Now, Joshua takes a proper look. It’s clear Junhui’s essentially been living here for a few weeks, but it’s tidy and comfortable. A sofa, a low table, a bathroom, and a king bed.

“The owners said these traditional Bai guesthouses only have a few twin setups in the smaller rooms,” Junhui says. “I tried to ask but they’re completely booked out.”

“It’s fine,” Joshua shrugs and sheds off his jacket, placing it on a wooden coat rack. “We’ve shared worse during trainee days. As you said, no bunks. A steal.”

Junhui laughs. “Exactly.” He sits on the sofa and pats the open spot next to him. As promised, he pours them cups of tea once Joshua is settled in beside him.

The warmth is immediate on Joshua’s fingers. When he brings the cup to his nose, he thinks of rich soil in the rain. They take a sip together; it tastes deep and earthy, smooth with a slight floral sweetness. “Oh!”

Junhui giggles again when he blinks at him in surprise. “That’s locally grown pu’er for you. The best you’d ever try in your life!”

Joshua nods his agreement with an impressed smile as he takes another sip. “It’s really good.”

“If you love this, I have to take you to a teahouse around here. This was a market town along the Ancient Tea Road, did you know? They even still have a market every Friday that people come from all over for.”

“To be honest, I don’t know anything at all,” Joshua murmurs, watching the steam curling from his cup before meeting Junhui’s eyes. “I hardly looked it up. That can be fun, right? Not having a plan.”

In Junhui’s eyes, he sees a flicker of understanding. A softening gentleness. “Of course. You came to the right place.”

Something in Joshua’s chest loosens. “On the way here, the driver told me a chengyu. Rú mù chūn fēng. He said I’ll feel the spring again, being here with a good friend.”

“Mm.” Junhui’s lips quirk up behind his cup and he lowers it. “Then, I’ll make sure to do my part. It’s easy.”

“Yeah?”

“Of course, though Shaxi is hard carrying here. Being in a place like this, you have no choice but to slow down.” He sets his cup on the table and nudges Joshua lightly with his shoulder. “Tomorrow’s my last day in work mode. We can relax together after. Try doing nothing at all for once, and help you feel the spring again.”

Joshua smiles. “Sounds like a plan.”

They laugh together and work on finishing their tea. As they do, Junhui catches Joshua up on his experience shooting here for some final scenes and how it’s the perfect ending to long months of filming. In return, Joshua fills in the details about what the other members have been up to. He doesn’t talk about himself at all—that becomes obvious—but Junhui doesn’t ask, and everything is good.

When tea is done, Junhui makes space for Joshua’s things. Joshua washes up to get the grime from travel off his skin. By the time Joshua feels fresh from a shower, Junhui is already in bed playing a gacha game on his phone. Ah Jun, easy and reliable.

The mattress is soft. Junhui turns off the light. Eventually, the sound of his even breathing lulls Joshua to sleep.

⛰︎ ོ༄

Joshua wakes to a rustling noise. For a moment, he’s disoriented. Where is he?

His eyes blearily squeeze open to near-darkness. Light streams in from a gap in the bathroom door; Junhui’s hunched over in front of the nightstand beside him. Ah, right. His jacket swishes while he scribbles something on a notepad.

Junhui smiles bashfully when their eyes meet. “Sorry,” he whispers. “I was trying not to wake you.”

Joshua shrugs, his eyebrows raising an unspoken question.

“No peeking yet, it’s a secret,” he says, before chuckling low. “A note for you when you’re more awake.” Junhui steps closer to the bed and reaches over to pat Joshua’s tousled hair. “Get some more rest. I’ll see you tonight.”

“Mm, thank you Jun-ah.” His eyelids feel heavy. More rest sounds like a fantastic idea. “Good luck today. Fighting!”

Junhui nods with an affirmative sound and lets go. He gathers his bag, turns off the light, and closes the door behind him with a soft click. Joshua quickly nods off to sleep once more.

The next time he wakes, slivers of daylight filter through the doors. For a moment, Joshua lays there and slowly blinks his eyes open.

Instead of turning on the lamp, he gets out of bed and parts the window curtains to let more of the natural light in. Now he can clearly see the view as it was meant to be seen, the vibrant blue and green hues peeking through the morning fog.

It almost feels unreal, like a dream or a movie to good to be true—the birdsong, the occasional chatter from other guests in the courtyard. The soundscape is different from the cacophony of the city, rhythmic geophony composed of wind in the trees and rushing water from the river.

It’s one thing to say you have no plan and another to be content with the feeling of it in your bones. No immediate reach for his phone or a watch, thinking ahead to what’s next, what to do today. His first practice in stillness.

Suddenly remembering the note Junhui left for him, Joshua walks back toward the nightstand and the notepad. Beside it is a spare key. The note reads:

Morning Shua-hyung!

If you’re hungry, the hosts are nice people who cook a delicious breakfast! No plan is no problem but they give great recommendations if you need ideas. I wish I had the free time to keep you company on your first day, but I promise I’ll make up for it later. Explore and have fun! I’ll see you tonight by sunset~

Joshua’s lips curve up into a smile. Following his suggestion, he goes through the motions of a slower morning routine freshening up, taking his vitamins, stretching, and pocketing his phone and wallet. A moment later, he steps out of the room.

His lungs breathe in the fresh morning air. A few guests walk along the garden path in conversation, others sit outside on their terraces drinking tea. Joshua finds his way to the dining room and is immediately greeted warmly by an old couple, the owners of the property.

While helping himself to a warm bowl of wonton soup, they engage him in a mixed conversation of English and Mandarin. As expected, they give him ideas of things to do in town. Joshua perks up when they mention they have bikes free to borrow if he wants to cycle around the countryside. In that moment, he decides to take them up on the offer. Along with the bike, they hand him a map to help guide his way.

They’re not allowed to ride bikes through the town proper, understandable given the narrow pathways and slow ecosystem of local life. He tucks the map into a bag and rides with no destination, following an idyllic path alongside the river, on dirt roads past rice paddies, blooming rapeseed flowers dotting the ground in gold, and grazing cattle.

As Joshua pedals, he contends with existing in the now. For a moment, the stress that hovered over him melts, and he sees from a distance the futility in trying to organize every step of his life. He had spent his entire youth running forward and never looking behind, but in doing so he became a stranger to the feeling of stopping.

With wind rushing through his clothes like billowing sails, he allows himself to let go of it. Just for a little while. That part of himself he can return to a week from now doesn’t have to cling so tightly anymore.

He loses track of how much time passes and how far he cycles. More farming villages, green fields, and rural homes slip by like a kaleidoscope. The trail leads him past orchards and a grove of magnolias.

At some point, he comes upon a pool shaded by lush trees. There’s hardly anyone else around. Joshua dismounts from his bike and strolls along the forest path, stopping near the bridge.

He sits for a while looking over the clear water and the fish swimming about. He takes a few photos and videos to preserve this moment, this container he can return to in the future when he needs a reminder of this place and the calm that comes with it.

It would’ve been nice to have Junhui with him experiencing it, too. He wonders if they could make their way back here, or find another place hidden in the valley, where they only needed to exist as themselves.

Joshua doesn’t mind being alone with his thoughts necessarily, but why else would he be here if he couldn’t accept that he needed a little bit of help? When he feels ready, he bikes in the direction he came from and picks up speed.

He wheels the bike by its handlebars once he’s back on the cobblestone streets. Similar to earlier, he navigates the labyrinth of side streets without purpose, and accidentally stumbles upon the outskirts of a live set.

From a distance, Joshua spots Junhui in his element. He doesn’t mean to disrupt, doesn’t really want to draw attention to himself in that way right now, but he allows himself to glimpse at Junhui in a new light.

It’s not the most unfamiliar; Idol Junhui holds charisma and energy in spades, the Junhui he knows well is driven, works tirelessly for himself and others. But this is a version of him he hasn’t seen yet. The sight of him immersed in his character, breezy and casual, brings an instant, grounding warmth to his chest.

Joshua leaves Junhui there, tucks the memory away for safekeeping later. There’s something here, curling up inside in between his ribcage, but he doesn’t think about it too hard as he pushes the gate of his inn open. If he takes the time to isolate the feeling, he’d realize it’s not unfamiliar either. It feels a lot like the return of an old friend, a homecoming that says hello and I missed you.

⛰︎ ོ༄

For most of the day, Joshua stays put. It ends up being easier than he thought it would be. Any time he thought about wandering and exploring further, he would think again of how he felt sitting beside the lake, enjoying the sights and the sounds but still feeling like something was missing.

So, he takes advantage of the beauty that is the courtyard garden. It’s pleasant to sit and know there’s nothing else he needs to do but watch the clouds shift along the sky.

By the time the door unlocks and Junhui returns later in the evening, he thinks he well and truly succeeded at doing nothing. But isn’t that something to face—that he sees this as a milestone and a goal to achieve instead of actually living in the moment. Perhaps he still has a little way to go after all.

Junhui heaves a sigh and drops his bag by the door. “Took a little longer than we thought it would but we’re done! Sweet freedom!”

Joshua has known Junhui for a long time, has seen him through his highs and lows and everything in between, which is how he immediately finds the slight droop on his shoulders. There’s a drag to his steps as he shuffles fully into the room and drops onto the sofa beside him.

“You work hard, Jun-ah. I was passing by earlier and saw you filming.”

“You did?” He blinks a few times in quick succession and then ducks his head, a soft breathy chuckle escaping his lips. “You should’ve told me.”

Joshua can’t help but smile every time he gets like this. The dichotomy of Wen Junhui; how a man who was born to shine can be so humble and shy under that well-earned esteem.

“You were so focused and in character, I didn’t want to interrupt!” Joshua laughs. “Besides, I didn’t really want to make myself known. I was just happy to see you in action!”

“Thank you.” Junhui looks down at his lap, a flush warming his cheeks. Aigoo, how cute.

“Of course! Seriously, CARATs and everyone will love it. Our cool, talented Moon Junnie!”

He lets out a jokingly anguished yell and shakes him by the shoulders to get him to stop. “I get it, I get it! Have mercy, Shua-hyung, please!”

It’s completely the wrong reaction to give because Joshua erupts into giggles and only wants to do it more. In the end, they’re both laughing so hard and Jun had such a long day that Joshua does relent.

“I know that’s how it is here, but I’m not used to it sometimes,” says Junhui after they’ve calmed down. “How the restaurants close so early.”

Joshua understands the meaning behind what he’s not saying. Fortunately, he thought ahead. “Oh, I got you some leftovers.”

When he walks to the mini fridge and takes them out, Junhui gets up on his feet and pumps his hands in the air with a loud “YAA!” He catches his own loudness and shushes himself with a hand over his mouth— starting up another round of giggles on Joshua’s part—before running over to crush him in a brief hug. He bounces on his heels excitedly. “What is it?”

“From across the street.” He opens up the containers on the counter, revealing some local flatbread and a spicy rice noodle soup.

Junhui looks down at all the food and back up to his face. “Leftovers because you couldn’t have finished this all on your own, right?”

“Right.” Joshua flutters his eyelashes innocently. While it heats up in the microwave, he adds, “The owners told me about how the businesses close early. When I didn’t see you past sundown, I thought, just in case…”

Junhui places a hand on his shoulder and puts on a straight face. “You can’t tell anyone, but this is why you’re my favorite.”

“I don’t get to brag? Fine, fine. Your secret is safe with me.”

“But really, thank you for thinking of me, hyung.” Junhui’s gratefulness glimmers on his face, as if the clouds rushed to part and give way to the sun in all its glory.

Joshua feels the force of that radiance settle in that same spot between his ribs, warm and comforting and light as a feather. “You’re welcome.”

As he digs in, Junhui asks about his day. “Have you explored at all?”

“A little. I borrowed a bike and winded up at Bailongtan.” Joshua shows him the pictures he captured and tries to gather the words to describe how beautiful the path to get there was. It’s not so easy when some things are meant to be seen with your own eyes. “I wish you got to see it.”

“Well, there’s no better day than tomorrow! Or even the next.”

“You’re right.”

Joshua continues with the account of his mini adventure and how it stopped short when he realized he didn’t want Junhui to feel left out of those moments. If he were to explore everything on his own, where would the fun in that be? After all, it was Junhui who courteously invited him here. Even with the beautiful, calm day, he admits his struggle with letting go of the reins and trusting that he’ll be able to find his footing again.

Junhui’s smile turns gentle while he listens. There’s recognition there in his eyes, an openness that makes him feel a little less alone, and then he says: “You will. We’ll find our footing together.” Junhui pats the top of his hand. “And really together. I didn’t tell you then but… when I asked you to come it was because I wanted an excuse to drop everything and enjoy my time here without thinking about next week, and my next schedule. You’ve always helped me when I needed it. I want to do the same for you.”

Joshua just looks at him. Junhui who has been there for him since they arrived in Seoul together, who is still here for him now over a decade later, a reciprocal, whole connection that has never been any less than dear to his heart. He leans sideways, letting his shoulders sink against Junhui’s, and their sides press together in a solid line. Always solid, certain. “I’m glad I came.”

He feels Junhui smile more than he sees it. “Have you gone to the river yet? I haven’t been able to make it out there with my schedule but I heard it looks beautiful at sunrise if you wanna go tomorrow.”

Joshua doesn’t hesitate. “Let’s do it.”

⛰︎ ོ༄

Shaxi before dawn is as tranquil as the evenings. It’s like stepping into a new world. This early, all they hear is chimes and bells singing with the wind. Not wanting to disturb the peace, a comfortable silence falls between them during their short walk to the Heihui River.

There’s a smattering of people gathering atop the crescent-shaped bridge. They stop further away at a distance right in time to see the colors in the atmosphere shift into an explosion of blush pink, periwinkle, and lavender hues. Joshua exchanges a knowing glance with Junhui, who is already looking back at him with a giggle. The brisk air tingles Joshua’s nose but beside Junhui he is thawing.

Like bathing in the spring breeze. Joshua gets it now. Yesterday, he wasn’t ready to hold a magnifying glass to the feeling that burrowed and made a home inside of his chest. Now, he sees it for what it is, and sees Junhui with the full force of his wanting. He’s loved him all along, hasn’t he? But what does it mean? It means—

“Look!” Junhui says, and he does.

He missed the beginning of the sunrise rising above the horizon but now he sees the clear water reflecting the crescent bridge below into a complete circle. A full circle. How fitting, to realize that he isn’t quite in a new place or back to where he started, but he’s where he’s always been.

“Let me take a picture of you,” says Junhui, already taking his phone out of his pocket.

Somehow, his voice doesn’t break when he responds, “For CARATs?”

Junhui shakes his head with a knowing smile. “No.”

His own fingers twitch. He wants to touch him, devour him whole. “Only if you’re in it.”

It’s an easy bargain. Joshua curls his arm around Junhui’s and draws their sides flush together, the bridge a backdrop behind them. When Junhui lifts his phone and positions them both in the frame, Joshua wonders if the truth is written so clearly across his own face and his fond smile that Junhui can see it, too.

But his eyes drift away from himself, helplessly drawn to Junhui’s eyes, the familiar curl of his mouth, and the moles that dot his skin, and Joshua realizes it doesn’t matter if he’s giving himself away. Let him look. Let him understand exactly what I do now.

After they’ve taken a wealth of pictures, they make their way over to the bridge proper. The view from atop the stone arch is stunning, and they stand there side by side, watching the river rush steadily below them. Joshua takes a deep breath and a profound sense of calm washes over him. What does it mean to love Wen Junhui? It means not being afraid and embracing the feeling with open arms.

Though the sun had only just risen, the town is alive in its own way. Not like the city—no rush to get where they need to go—but there’s a liveliness here. It’s here, where other locals and visitors sit and stand around experiencing the same moment of peace. It’s there, where musicians play guitars and traditional instruments and sing along together next to the water.

The rest of the day passes just like that, an easy and comforting process of reacquainting with the feeling of loving Junhui and indulging in every moment. They stick true to their word of completely refusing to plan their itinerary and move like the wind, drifting all over the small town.

During their stroll, they take in the sound of the babbling creek which runs alongside Sideng Street. It’s springtime in the valley, and the scent of cherry blossoms and azaleas blooming perfumes the air. Joshua wants to bottle up this scent and take it home with him.

What he enjoys the most about spending spending time with Junhui is trying new food together. The excitement is clearly reciprocated in the way that Junhui all but vibrates as he leads them to one of the restaurants some others in his cast have been raving about, which he held off on going to when Joshua said he would be coming.

To love Junhui is to fall a little further in love with him in each and every moment. His thoughtfulness, his understanding— how could he not fall deeper over statements like that? Junhui meets his gaze across bowls of warm mushroom soup and a rush of affection is begging to spill out of Joshua’s chest.

As they leave the restaurant, Junhui stops them dead in their tracks. He drops into a wide, dramatic stance, his expression completely intense, as if it’s something serious. And Joshua supposes it is serious when he looks down and sees a pair of stray cats have wandered up to stare at them. Because naturally, of course, Junhui’s aura had attracted them.

Junhui crouches down and extends a finger and Joshua absolutely melts when both cats butt each others heads to lean toward Junhui’s touch. To make matters worse, Junhui looks up at him and beams. “There’s so many stray cats here, Shua-hyung,” he gushes.

From there, it becomes a game of keeping their eyes peeled for other kitties, looking around for what else the streets might hide. It turns out there are a lot of them, and not just cats but dogs and ducks, too.

They wander through local shops and look at market stands, they buy local pastries from a street vendor, and they let themselves be swept in the gentle rhythm of Shaxi. Junhui said—jokingly or with a hint of truth—that Joshua is his favorite; Joshua couldn’t help but think the sentiment is wholly returned.

⛰︎ ོ༄

With every sunrise comes a sunset. Sunlight blankets over the valley, bathing his every surrounding in gold. From their position not too far from the riverbank, Joshua watches ducks waddle toward the water, a villager herding cattle, and in the center of it all: Junhui.

The image takes his breath away. It’s like a backdrop or an oil painting, in the way that some spectacles are so beautiful it has to be a mirage—but he knows it’s not. This is very much real. The feelings wound inside his chest are real and have been waiting all along for Joshua to hold it to the light. No, being in love with Junhui isn’t a new feeling at all, but there was a time when nourishing the feeling was unfathomable.

Under the fading twilight, Junhui’s eyes lock with his. A shadow of a smile touches his lips. “What are you thinking about?”

Joshua releases a soft sigh. “You.”

The word hangs in the air, weighing heavily between them. Junhui doesn’t break eye contact. The shadow of his smile lingers but he searches Joshua’s face with a breathless intensity that makes his heart quicken.

Junhui steps closer to him. He reaches out, the tip of his pinky gently brushing against Joshua’s—a delicate, irrefutable point of contact that sends heat rushing over Joshua’s cheeks. Of all things. Ridiculous.

“Come on,” Junhui whispers, his voice dropping into that low, private register that always makes the rest of the world fall away. “Let’s take a walk.”

While they walk parallel to the water, the last remnants of dusk fade completely below the mountains. There are no neon lights or the unrelenting city in motion out here, just near-darkness and that canopy of stars that awed Joshua when he first arrived. The constellations are so bright and dense that he can pinpoint each and every one in the night sky, though admittedly he has no idea what their names are, and Junhui laughs because neither does he.

Eventually, they have to light their path with the flashlights from their phones to see where they’re going but it’s worth it with Junhui’s warm presence by his side, and the brush of his hand turning into a complete hold.

Joshua’s mind wanders. It seems he’s not alone in his travels, because Junhui speaks out into the breezy night: “We used to walk like this all the time at Hangang Park.”

“I miss it.” The past bleeds into the present, overlapping images of walks with Junhui by the water under moonlight. “I don’t know if I should call it a more simple or complicated time.”

“Couldn’t it be both?”

Junhui stops in place and Joshua does the same. The faint glow of low lights from a distance make it so that Joshua can barely make out the shape of him, but it’s just enough to see him step even closer, his eyes boring into his.

“Do you remember—” Before Junhui finishes his sentence, Joshua already knows where it’s going. His throat tightens. “There was one night we escaped to clear our heads and we walked for hours.”

Joshua exhales a shaky breath. “I remember.”

“There was a moment when you looked at me and I thought—” Junhui smiles self-consciously. “I thought we were going to kiss. I wanted it to happen.”

His heart stutters. Not because it’s a surprise to him. Because it’s a confirmation that he wasn’t making it up in his mind. That Joshua pulled back, and they let the moment dissolve, and it became nothing more than a fading capsule of cherished trainee days with Junhui. Or, at least, he thought it was all it could ever be.

“But we were so young and everything was terrifying.” Joshua draws himself closer until there’s almost no space between them. “I was scared because I wanted it, too, Junnie.” He grounds his hold in the juncture of Junhui’s neck and shoulder, staring into the warm abyss of his gaze. “I want it, too.”

And like that, Joshua kisses him. He kisses him like he’s been aching for it for over a decade, because he has. When Junhui’s mouth parts against his, and his hands bunch into the fabric of Joshua’s jacket to deepen the seal of their mouths, it’s like a dam breaks. In their kiss, Joshua pours in everything he held back, the years, the reshaping of his love, and all the sacrifices and changes between them. Joshua kisses him and he doesn’t worry about it, because it feels okay. It feels right.

⛰︎ ོ༄

The path back to their room is marked by exhilarated giggles. Once the door shuts behind them, they’re kissing again. They help each other out of their jackets and Joshua is insatiable, suddenly needing to touch him everywhere.

But so is Junhui it seems, as he licks his way into his mouth and slides his hands under the fabric of his shirt, roaming over the skin of Joshua’s lower back. His skin prickles. He needs more, wants more, oh—how he wants.

Junhui pulls him toward the bed and before anything else, he has Joshua sit down while he sinks to his knees. “Let me suck you off,” Junhui begs, his hands lightly tracing the tops of his belt. His voice is so deep, and he wets his lips, shiny and red, evidence of Joshua’s mouth on his. Heat shoots through his groin at the image of him like this. Joshua can’t say no to that.

He looks down at Junhui between his parted thighs and removes his shirt. Junhui’s eyes darken right as more skin is revealed. “Beautiful,” he says.

It’s far from the first time he’s seen him shirtless—or naked, for that matter—and Joshua knows he looks good, but it’s different with the desire written all over Junhui’s face, and the candor he speaks.

“And you,” Joshua murmurs. All he does is press a finger to the center of Junhui’s neckline, taps it twice, and Junhui is pulling it over his head. The fabric rustles, every sound and movement holding a greater weight in the quiet room.

Joshua stands to remove his belt and jeans, and Junhui looks up at him, waiting and eager. Fuck. Immediately, Junhui is mouthing over his briefs and Joshua shudders. His eyes close involuntarily but he forces them open, not wanting to miss this.

When Junhui takes Joshua into his mouth completely, he starts out slow, savoring the taste, the feel of him. It’s not slow for teasing sake, though Joshua wouldn’t oppose (for another time). Junhui licks and sucks like he’s an idol to worship. Joshua almost laughs at the thought. It’s not wrong per se. But any concept of laughing disappears once Junhui hollows his cheeks and he takes him in deeper.

Junhui’s eyes water and he isn’t afraid to get messy with it, and suddenly he picks up his pace, muffled moans vibrating through him. It’s a sound Joshua will never forget. He groans and knows he won’t be able to last much longer. “Jun-ah—fuck—you’re so—you’re gonna make me come.”

He shows no signs of stopping. In fact, Junhui meets his eyes with a burning intensity and doubles his efforts. Joshua knows: he’s gonna come and Junhui’s gonna take it, wants to take in all of him. The sight of him like this, desperate and determined, is enough to push Joshua over the edge. He comes with a groan and Junhui swallows eagerly, sucking him through his orgasm.

Junhui is barely wiping his mouth before Joshua is tugging him up into a kiss, tasting himself in his mouth. His hand goes straight to Junhui’s bulge and he jolts. “It won’t take me much,” Junhui admits, his voice husky and wrecked. Joshua wants to see him fall apart. He needs to see it. He slips his hand into his pants and, sure enough, all it takes is two strokes for Junhui to come, gasping against his mouth.

It’s only fair. Joshua takes his hand out and licks his hand clean. Junhui stares at him open-mouthed, then he’s pushing him fully onto the bed and settling his weight over him.

“You’re crazy.”

Joshua giggles. “Pot meets kettle.”

Junhui’s mouth descends on his again. They stay like this for a while, taking their time learning each other in this new, thrilling way.

⛰︎ ོ༄

Joshua naturally wakes before Junhui does. It is well past sunrise; light streams in through the small gaps in the doors and curtains. Turning his head slightly on the pillow, he wants to laugh; the sight of Junhui sleeping with his eyes ever-so-partially-open brings fondness to his heart. Not wanting to wake him, Joshua slowly sits up and stretches his arms up toward the ceiling. He rolls his shoulders, gently slides out of bed, and toes his way into slippers toward the balcony.

The morning light shines brilliantly over the verdant green fields and tree lines. Sitting in the chair, Joshua easily locates that feeling of loving Junhui. It’s steady, intact, and makes Joshua think he could do anything with him by his side. But the truth is, he’s always been there, hasn’t he? It’s only that he was unconsciously holding himself back, not allowing himself to pour all of his love into him. The depth of his devotion is so raw and significant here in his chest that Joshua can’t believe he almost let himself believe it didn’t exist anymore.

Footsteps sound from behind him. Junhui is still blinking awake slowly and it’s so adorable that a laugh can’t help but rumble in his chest. “Good morning.”

Junhui drops onto the chair next to him and grins. “The best morning.”

Without a word, their hands find their way to each other. It’s a quiet, unhurried moment where they sit together, listening to the birds chirp and rural life below slowly wake up alongside them. Junhui runs his finger over his hand, tracing the lines on his palms.

“Were you waiting for me?” Joshua asks eventually, breaking the silence.

Junhui looks up at Joshua’s question, his eyes clear and open. “No. I don’t think I was waiting for anything.”

“It’s okay if you were,” Joshua admits. “I was just curious.”

“A long time ago I thought being around you and having you in my life was enough. It is enough. But you know, I shoot for the stars if there’s a chance for something greater.”

“I know. I think I convinced myself the same thing,” Joshua confesses. “I liked you so much—I always did—but then we debuted, and everything changed, and…”

“There was never any time to really think about something more with you,” Junhui finishes for him. “Being here like this. It feels a lot like back then, but better. It feels more real. It feels like it’s only us here.”

“Right.” Joshua smiles. Junhui just gets it. Gets him, completely. “I was too busy looking forward I didn’t see you were still in front of me all along.”

“It’s nice, isn’t it? Having the chance to actually slow down for once. It feels different from any of our other breaks before.”

“I like it here,” Joshua murmurs. “It makes it even better being here with my favorite person.”

Junhui lets out a soft, indignant gasp. “Hey, that’s my line!”

They’re both grinning so wide and Joshua has never felt so light. For a moment, Junhui breaks eye contact, and looks down at their joined hands. It’s his turn for a question.

“Do you want to talk about what happens when we leave?”

He knew this would be coming. “Do you?”

“I asked first.”

“Is it bad if I say not really?” Joshua stands up, gently pulling Junhui up to his feet with him so they are standing chest-to-chest. He wants him closer. “It’s not because I want to avoid it. I don’t see the point.” Joshua smiles up at him, his eyes crinkling.

Confusion floats over Junhui’s expression and his mouth hangs open in a question. Joshua laughs softly, reaching out to cup the side of his jaw as he elaborates: “I love you, Junnie. I want you. I want this, wherever it’s headed. I came here because the future suddenly felt scary and I freaked out. I know I’ll be okay and I’ll find my way like I always do but. I want to have this one thing that feels certain and I don’t want to overthink you. Being with you feels good and amazing. Why would I want to stop that feeling?”

Junhui’s breath catches and the lingering confusion melts out of his eyes, replaced by that radiant, sun-like warmth the Joshua could bask in forever. “I love you.” He leans down and Joshua meets him halfway, pressing their lips together into a deep kiss that sends a rush from his head down to his toes.

Joshua shifts his weight and doesn’t break the seal of their lips as he pulls Junhui back through the balcony door. Junhui follows and reaches behind his back with one hand, shutting the door behind them and locking them into a world where only the two of them exist.

Joshua shivers as Junhui gently mouths along his neck. “Fuck, Jun-ah, we really need to get some condoms. I need you.”

Junhui breaks away, his eyes dark and wanting. He smirks. “Then, let’s go.”

Their feet have never walked so fast in this small town.

⛰︎ ོ༄

It’s like deja vu. They giddily rush back to their room from the pharmacy, only this time Junhui leads them with an honest-to-God skip to their step. Joshua can’t stop laughing the entire way.

They are faster about shedding their clothes now, clad in only their underwear within a few minutes of them bursting through the door. It’s a reversal of the previous night, though. After roaming his eyes over Junhui’s muscular figure, Joshua shoves him toward the bed and crawls on top. It catches Junhui off guard, evidenced by the gasp he swallows with his lips.

“Perfect Junnie.” He rakes his hand through his brown hair, gently tugs it back, and watches his mouth drop open. Interesting. “So perfect for me,” he continues, and Junhui lets out a choked moan. Very interesting.

Joshua rolls his hips, grinding their hardness together, and delights in more grunts when he grips Junhui’s hair a little tighter. This is about to become a problem. His growing addiction to watching Junhui fall apart will know no bounds.

He knows not to leave marks, but that doesn’t mean other things are off the table. Like licking over the shell of Junhui’s ear, dipping lower, tracing over his neck and tasting the salt on his skin, breathing in his musk. And Junhui responds to it all, sighing and gripping onto him tighter. Joshua giggles as if he’s drunk despite being completely sober.

With this reaction, it’s like a switch flips. Junhui looks up at him, cataloguing Joshua’s elation and his eyes flicker with amusement, like he’s found something. “Is that how it is?”

“You tell me.”

Junhui brings his hands up and grips his hands securely on his shoulders. “How do you want me?”

“I want to take care of you.” That will always be the truth in any sense. “I want to fuck you. Show you how thankful I am for bringing me to this beautiful place.”

Suddenly, the world flips upside down and now it’s Joshua’s turn to gasp. Junhui had bracketed him by the hips, and in one smooth motion, flipped their positions. “I’m all yours.” Junhui grins at him with a crooked smile and backs away, his eyes never leaving Joshua’s as he picks up the bag from the floor, tosses the lube and condoms on the bed, and removes his underwear. Joshua’s mouth goes dry.

“Come here,” Joshua finds his voice to say. “Let me make you feel good.”

Junhui beams and comes rushing toward him.

⛰︎ ོ༄

After a joint shower and another indulgent kiss or three, they’ve worked themselves into an appetite. Fortunately, it’s Friday, which means they can experience the traditional Friday market Junhui told him about.

The Friday Market transforms Sideng Street into a more bustling, lively tapestry of sounds and scents. Stalls overflow with dried mushrooms, wild greens, cherries, and grapes, and cured meats.

There’s also the handmade goods, elders showcasing and selling huge bamboo baskets and mats, hand-sewn shoes, and wooden carvings. A market is nothing without its people, and there’s an array of them—local villagers in traditional clothing, other tourists, and people happily chatting with one another.

Joshua and Junhui go for the food stalls first, trying spicy chicken feet, tofu pudding, and fried potatoes. They end up sitting next to an elderly woman selling scarves while eating. When she speaks, her accent makes it harder for Joshua to follow. He blinks, a little lost, and Junhui helps with the translation. This also transports Joshua back to the past, to that simpler and complicated time where they were learning Korean and growing together.

Joshua looks at him with gratitude. It’s lovely to see Junhui like this too, completely relaxed and charming in the way he always is. As Junhui exchanges a few rapid sentences with the woman, she looks between the two of them before chuckling and turning to her neighbor. That part Joshua knows; without a doubt, she thinks they’re cute. She doesn’t know the half of it. Still, Junhui lets out a soft, bashful giggle, and bumps his shoulder against Joshua’s. Joshua can’t stop smiling either.

Once they move away from the market, Joshua brings them past the ancient stage in the center of the town and into the shop he was interested in revisiting. Junhui accompanies him while he tries a traditional Bai indigo tie-dye experience. He picks out a head scarf and, with the help of a kind woman, ties rubber bands onto the cloth to form the shape he wants, and drops the dye liquid onto it. When done, they hang it to dry.

In the meantime, they spot another stray cat which pulls in their attention for a while. Junhui makes little mews and mrows in return. It’s an exchanged conversation Joshua wouldn’t even know how to start deciphering, but he watches it all with amusement all the same.

When Joshua’s tie-dye is done drying, he shows it to Junhui. He reveals a gradient of indigo forming a landscape of mountains and lakes. Instead of taking it for himself, he pushes it into Jun’s hands. Junhui stills, breaks into a wide smile, and places the scarf on his head. Joshua helps him adjust it.

⛰︎ ོ༄

The rest of their time in Shaxi—only another day and a half longer—passes by like a hazy dream. But it’s time to wake up, and Joshua finds he’s not as worried about what comes next like he thought he would be.

They spend the morning wrapped up in one another hardly wanting to let go. They don’t need to rush and do anything else anyway, but eventually they do get up and visit the teahouse Junhui wanted to take him to. It’s even more delicious than the tea he brew for them on his first night here. They recount their time in Shaxi and marvel about how they managed to find another corner of the world where they haven’t been recognized. It feels refreshing, to feel like they’re just themselves for once.

It’s late in the afternoon on their last full day and they borrow bikes to revisit Bailongtan. When Joshua sat on the edge of the spring earlier in the week, he had a feeling that something significant was missing. Now, standing with Junhui on the bridge, he feels whole. It’s still quiet and low-traffic even later in the day, tranquil and beautiful. Joshua will miss this slower pace of his life.

“Our time is almost over,” Junhui says. “Back to the real world tomorrow.”

“I know,” Joshua says, his voice steady, and completely devoid of his old anxieties. He steps closer, closing the remaining distance until his hand finds Junhui’s, their fingers securely locking together. “But it’s not scary anymore.”

Junhui turns to face him, his eyes holding that familiar, safe openness that made Joshua cross an ocean in the first place. “No?”

“No,” Joshua smiles, genuinely. He takes another deep breath of the clean mountain air—another thing he will miss. “This and you was exactly what I needed. A reset.”

“You were always going to be okay, Shua-yah. I don’t know what made you worried in the first place, but I know you’ll succeed. Like you always do.”

“I got all jumbled up in my head, I guess. And I felt worse because I had a break and didn’t know what to do with it. Now I know what real rest feels like. I’m energized. I’m ready to keep going. And you helped me get there. Thank you.”

“Any time.” Junhui pushes in closer until he can wrap an arm around Joshua’s shoulder. Joshua melts against him. In and out, they breathe as one.

“And if nothing else, we'll find our footing together, right? One moment at a time.”

“Right, together.”

In his arms, Joshua feels the spring again. The mountains do not care for what day it is, what it was growing to, but he’s learned from them that he can make space for the new, plant fertile soils, and let time run its course.

SEVENTEEN is SEVENTEEN. When there is overlapping free time and samgyeopsal on the line, they don’t need much more of an excuse to get together. Between conflicting schedules, the nine of them are finally able to meet in early May and Joshua is happy.

He’s the first to get there, but it isn’t long until Jihoon walks in. Joshua immediately envelops him into a hug. Soon after, the others quickly trickle in and the chatter inside the restaurant picks up.

Joshua’s eyes track the door, just looking, keeping an eye out for someone he hasn’t managed to see in person for two weeks. After they left Shaxi, Junhui had an interview schedule. The day after that, Joshua received a call from a casting director and excitedly shared the good news with Junhui later that night over FaceTime. Things have been busy but Joshua still feels good and hopeful.

But Joshua’s mood instantly sours when instead of Junhui, Jeonghan next walks through alongside Seungcheol, catching Joshua gaze with a wide beam and a glint in his eye.

“Hey!” He says, annoyingly loud, when he walks up and takes the open seat next to him. “You never responded to my message.”

Joshua grins back at him. “Do I ever?”

“When it counts! I think this should.”

“What should count?” asks Soonyoung, eavesdropping in their conversation. Of course it’s not hard to, when Jeonghan is dragging it. He supposes it’s deserved, when he never gave him a single inch since he returned from China.

He rolls his eyes and nods. Go for it.

“Joshuji here went to go visit Junnie in China!”

Joshua hears it then, the giggles coming from Minghao’s direction. Fuck. This is why he and Junhui decided not to tell the other members right away. Not because they’re worried about what they’ll think. (Of course they’ll be supportive, from experience.) Because of this.

He looks up to the heavens when Wonwoo gently adds, “What were you up to in China?”

To make matters worse, that’s exactly when Junhui decides to make his shining appearance. But Joshua can’t be mad and is helpless from smiling when he sees, hanging from his belt loop, is the indigo-dyed scarf he gave him.

Joshua is loathe to wonder what expression he’s making when his eyes find Junhui’s because Jeonghan suddenly gasps and pinches his arm with a hushed “Joshuji!” And then he gets up from his chair, shifting to the one next to it, and taps the open spot. “Ah, Jun-ah! For you!”

It’s eerily quiet by the group’s standards in the time it takes for Junhui to take the seat next to him. Joshua couldn’t care less because Junhui is here, wearing his scarf from Shaxi. Junhui is crazy. Junhui is asking to be pounced on; there’s no doubt he is with the way he smiles at him.

Seungcheol breaks the silence first. “So… you both saw each other in China?”

Junhui brightens, shifting his gaze away to look around the table. Joshua stays put. His eyes roam over Junhui’s figure, momentarily feeling the wind. “Eung! When I was finishing up a project, we were filming in Shaxi. It’s a nice small town and Shua joined me for a few days.”

“Aw, that sounds cool!” says Soonyoung. “Do you have pictures?”

Junhui takes out his phone and shows the table a few, like the one he sent Joshua, and a couple others taken on Sideng Street. Then, he accidentally swipes too far and lands on one of the pictures he and Joshua took near Yujin Bridge. It’s too late. Jeonghan already saw, and Soonyoung saw. The poor cat fled the bag at a swift pace.

“Hold on, let me see!” Soonyoung urges. “That looked pretty.”

“Yeah, Junnie. It looked pretty,” adds Jeonghan.

Joshua and Junhui exchange a glance and a put-upon eye roll. The silent, unspoken conversation doesn’t take very long. Junhui swipes back to the photo and it’s like the entire table leans over to catch a glimpse.

Oh. Joshua never saw these photos before. A warm blush rushes to his cheeks. Okay, so it turns out his adoration and love was completely transparent all over his face. The table erupts into oooooohs and gagging noises.

Joshua should be embarrassed, but he isn’t. It beats not having to explain it all, when it’s already written all over his face. Seeing no reason not to now, Joshua scoots his chair closer to Junhui’s and that starts out another round of heckling.

Through the chaos, Joshua’s eyes find Junhui’s again. Junhui winks. In this stuffy restaurant, Joshua once again feels the spring breeze sweep in and blossom the tender buds in his heart.