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“Here we have a new rising artist on here for a special radio interview today! That’s right, only on Hermitgeddon FM we get an exclusive interview with hit new artist otherwise known as Grian, his popular new song-”
Scar switches off the radio with a sharp intake of breath, slipping out of his van and walking up to the venue. Some fans wave and cheer; of which he does back before he disappears inside.
He knows this venue through and through, his first serious debut after booking coffee shops. Scar breathes out a sigh as he finds the stage, everything already in place with a few workers loitering around. Scar knows all their names and he makes small talk with them before stepping backstage.
“Hey Scar!” A voice calls, Scar smiles at the immediate familiarity of it; the owner of the place he is in.
“Hey X.” Scar said and pulled the man into a hug. When the owner tried to pull back, Scar tightened the hug. “I need this.” He whispered and Xisuma huffed before hugging Scar again.
“Talk to me.” Xisuma says when Scar pulls back, giving him a firm pat on the back.
“I- the guy my songs are all about sings at one coffee shop and suddenly the entire world loves him over night.” Scar grits out and sits on an amp behind him.
“That Grian guy is who all your songs are about?” X asked, surprised, a hint of something - maybe recognition - in his tone. “I’m assuming that song he released was about you?”
“Yeah- I mean don’t get me wrong I’m happy for him and extremely proud of what he has accomplished! But also… music was what I did to cope after we broke up and now he’s doing it?” Scar rambled, voice full of stutters. He gestures with his hands while he talks and bites his nails when he’s done. “And it was about me! But also him and I’m so proud he’s been able to overcome his addiction and write a song about it but-” He cuts himself off with a sigh.
“Nah- no I get it man. Well as much as I can, considering. But I understand what you’re trying to convey.” Xisuma reassures, he pats Scar’s knee and begins walking away. “You better start warming up with the band; doors open in two hours, you’re on in three.”
Scar huffs when he’s left alone and he travels further backstage to find the band he’s performing with, he goes through a winding of corridors that would make no sense to a newcomer. But Scar could navigate it with his eyes closed.
He opens the door to the rehearsal room unceremoniously - expecting a band he had played with before, one of Xisuma’s usuals.
Instead, he sees four people dressed in all black, the dress code. Two of their backs turned but once Scar walked in they all looked at him.
Scar went pale.
Jimmy. Grian’s best friend. Playing for his concert.
Right next to him? Joel, another of Grian’s closest friends.
The other two men he didn’t recognise, he knew he should say hello to all of the band.
He hasn’t seen Jimmy or Joel in three years. Not since Grian ended it. Not since January 4th. A lump formed in Scar’s throat. God he should cancel the-
“Hey Scar! My name’s Skizz, that’s Bigb and the others. We’re a kinda new band called The Rejects. We’re getting our name out there by booking with other artists.” The guitarist said happily, clearly sensing the awkward air. Scar smiled at the man, still slightly tense.
“Hey man, it’s really cool to meet you.” Bigb said, dragging a hand down his keytar, a small melody playing.
“Yeah no yeah-” Scar cleared his throat. “You guys too. How long have you been on the scene for?”
“About a year is coming up, I think.” Skizz answered, a nod from Bigb. Scar nods along with a small smile.
“What kinda music do you guys make?” Scar asked, desperately trying to hold up this small talk. At the corner of his eye, he sees Joel and Jimmy share a look before Jimmy speaks.
“Well we- we’re pretty inspired by blink-182 if it was blended with midwest emo, but we released a pop album as our debut.” Jimmy spoke, his voice quite timid. It was like testing water in the shower; hand gently catching the fall to see if it is too hot or too cold.
“Yeah- wow that’s actually really interesting.” Scar smiled, relief flooding his veins and he’s sure he sees the same in Jimmy. Joel stays fairly suspicious, Scar stays decently far back.
“Anyway, we’ve been practising your setlist all week, we’re solid on it, I would say.” Bigb said.
“Great! I need to go through a few warm ups so… could we do The Way Things Go and Madwoman?” Scar suggested peeking at some of the sheet music.
“Don’t know your songs do you?” Joel finally said - a joke. Scar smirked up at him, he hopes he conveys how much relief he feels in that moment.
“Yeah you know how it is.” Scar shrugged and got up to the microphone. Jimmy fell back and grabbed hold of the bass and Joel got on the drums.
“One, two- wait… do I need to count on “things go”? It’s acoustic, no?” Joel asked.
“Oh yeah, could do I Just Threw Out The Love Of My Dreams?” Scar questioned, looking over his shoulder.
“That’s number…?” Jimmy begins.
“Eight.” Bigb answered, pressing a button on the keytar to get it where it needs to be.
“We ready?” Joel asked, clearly impatient. Scar nearly smiled to himself, the same as ever.
Scar breathes out when everyone agrees and readies himself, clearing his throat before someone bursts into the room.
“Bdubs- what are you doing here?” Scar asked with a small smile.
“Come to support my favourite almost-household-name artist.” Bdubs grinned, flashing his pearly whites and batting his eyelashes.
“Well- go sit, okay?” Scar shooed him and Bdubs frowned but sat on a small chair in the corner.
Joel counted in again and the song picked up, Scar quick to sing. Voice wavering every now and then but he reassures himself that it’s still his warm up. The band jumps into the second song right after, a lot different than his previous one but they got right through it.
Bdubs cheers for all of them and steps up to start small talk, Scar pretends not to notice how much he drifted toward the drummer, instead deciding to grab a bottle of water from the mini fridge. Throwing one to Bigb too.
“So how come I’ve never heard of you guys? I’m quite big on the small music scene.” Bdubs asked with a grin, a bad attempt at flirting, clearly.
“You listen to midwest emo?” Joel asked with a grin.
“Yeah, wow, no I don’t actually.” Bdubs huffed and rested a hand on a cymbal with the practice of someone who does it often.
Scar rolls his eyes and directs away from whatever is brewing there. Whatever it is doesn’t feel good to Scar, but he won’t intervene. Instead Scar steps into conversation with the rest of the band.
Turns out Skizz and Bigb were deeply engrossed in a conversation with Jimmy hovering on the outside of it. Scar could tell he didn’t mind though.
“Oh Scar- I just wanted to say like… I know this is awkward at the very least, but-” Jimmy breathed in. “Well I would’ve said there’s no bad blood between us but uh…” He clicked his tongue. “We’re cool for tonight.”
“Yeah- no I completely understand believe me.” Scar forced a tight smile.
“Sorry man I just-”
“No it’s totally fine, you know some… stuff I can’t blame you for not being fond of me.” Scar reassured him. “Boundaries.”
“Right, boundaries.” Jimmy nodded. Scar was about to say something else but Jimmy’s phone rang. Jimmy’s face drops, looking between the phone and Scar before walking outside to answer it.
Scar hums to himself, sitting on the chair in the corner as he does a few vocal warm ups. He posts on a few platforms some teasing that he’s added a new song to the set list before finishing the bottle of water.
Xisuma comes into the room not long after, saying it’s nearly time for them to go on. Bdubs then sticks immediately to Scar’s side as they walk backstage.
“God that drummer is really something huh?” Bdubs grins and Scar rolled his eyes.
“Seriously?” Scar asked.
“Seriously.” Bdubs licks his lips. “Dyed hair, all tall, muscular and a drummer. Scar, kill me.” The shorter man dramatically falls into Scar’s side and huffs out a laugh.
“You’re on.” A worker says, guiding Scar to the stage entrance. Scar breathes out, shaking all his limbs. Bdubs whoops and Scar walks out onto the stage.
The cheering deafens him, backtrack of whatever song that was playing cutting out. Scar smiles - it’s an excellent turn out tonight, considering how late Scar put up tickets.
He takes his footing at the microphone. “Well hello there everybody!” Scar smiled. A new round of cheering erupts but Scar shushes them. “Well hello to my favourite music venue huh? I know big Xisuma is sick of seeing my name pop up on here but I can’t help myself!” He laughs. “Why don’t we jump right in?”
Cheers erupt as Scar gets through the first few songs before stopping to take a break and talk to the crowd. Since the size of the venue isn’t large, he is able to see the whole of the crowd right in front of the stage. Scar sits on the edge of the stage, crossing his legs with a dramatic sigh.
“What to talk about this time around? Hm? Any suggestions?” Scar asks, looking at the people right in front of him.
A guy with blue hair catches his eye and he points the microphone to him. “Have you heard of the new artist Grian? I was wondering if you two would collab I think you’d make a great match.” He said, voice shaky with excitement.
Scar thinks he shit’s himself at that moment, every speck of blood leaving his body as the pit in his stomach opens up. His heart promptly falls into it and Scar licks his lips before responding.
“I have! You know, it’s very brave to speak about an addiction so freely and he deserves all the praise he gets for such. Collab’s are harder than you think in this industry too so that’s not even a question I can answer at all.” Scar says, forcing enthusiasm into his voice.
He hopes and prays people buy that, he looks outward at the crowd again to see if anyone else has a question.
“You at the back?” Scar says loudly, shushing the crowd, and leaning forward.
“You said you were going to tease new music?! Is that true?!” The person shouted and Scar laughs.
“Yeah I am- only one song though so you better make it count guys. Uhh- yeah sure, I’ll sing it now and then get back to the set list. Sounds good?” Scar asked, met with resounding cheer.
He takes a deep breath. Scar knows it’s risky to release this song now but it’s entirely Grian’s fault.
"This is called So Much Wine." The Rejects start up, soft music and Scar readies himself. “I had nothing to say on Christmas day.”
–
“Scar lighten up! S’a holiday doesn't count.” Grian slurred, throwing an arm around Scar’s shoulder and laughing.
Everyone knew Grian had always struggled with alcohol, not just after the breakup. Scar knew this more than anyone else.
–
“When you threw all your clothes in the snow.”
–
Scar was scared. He isn’t often, but this was a really bad relapse from Grian under the guise of him celebrating Christmas.
Grian had said “I got too many new clothes today I need to throw out my old ones.” And promptly began tossing his clothes out the window.
–
“When you burnt your hair, and knocked over chairs. I just tried to stay out of your way.”
–
Scar was terrified. Grian was manic. The christmas tree was on the floor because Grian had tried leaning on it.
Grian passed out on the dining room table and his hair got caught in a candle. Scar had panicked, cut it off but Grian didn’t notice when he woke up again and fell off his chair.
–
“But when you fell asleep with blood on your teeth, I just got in my car and drove away.” Scar sighs at the end of his lyric, closing his eyes.
–
That night, Grian officially went to bed at four am. That night, Grian had bit his nails and fingers so badly that his teeth were stained with blood. Scar had bandaged his fingers and fixed up everything he could.
Scar tried to sleep, he really did. But he couldn’t. He went to a place he knew was safe; Bdubs’.
That was his first mistake.
–
“Listen to me, light of my life.” Scar sang. If Jimmy didn't think the song was about Grian before, he sure as hell did now. “There’s only so much wine that you can drink in one life.”
–
“Grian please, you try but you’re not trying hard enough.” Scar whispered into the silence, a few days after Christmas.
“I’m scared of what will happen if I try harder.” Grian responded, voice slightly slurred as he slowly came to.
“That’s part of it. Please Grian, Gri, G, light of my life - don’t think of anyone else, think of how amazing you will be once you win.”
–
“And it will never be enough to save you from the bottom of your glass.”
–
“Scar- Scar I’m so sorry I really am trying hard like you told me to.” Grian sobbed, head on Scar’s shoulder and an empty vodka bottle on the floor next to them.
“Grian it’s gonna be okay.” Scar whispers, but doesn’t miss the way Grian’s hand reaches for the empty bottle. Scar just grabs it and holds him.
–
“Where the state highway starts, I parked my car and I got out and stared up at the stars.”
–
When Scar left to Bdubs’ they both sat on his porch in silence. Bdubs was already waiting for him. No words were needed at that moment.
–
“And when meteors died and shot across the sky I thought about your sad, shining eyes.”
–
Scar’s mind was obviously on Grian. Thinking about him when he’s sober. The moments were few but Scar savoured them nonetheless.
His eyes might seem more dull in those moments, they might seem less bright. But only Scar saw them in the morning, when Grian woke up happy - not hung over. That was when they were bright, full of hope. Before the urge settled in, Scar always watched it settle in. That was when his eyes lost life.
Scar hated that transition, hated the way he watched the hope drain out of him. Grian was always more positive in the mornings that maybe he wouldn’t drink today. Some days he was right and some days he was wrong, but Scar loved to see the hope and aspiration he had for the goal.
–
“I came back for my clothes when the sun finally rose and you were still passed out on the floor.”
–
Scar told Grian he needed to stay away for a few days, which became a whole fight.
“Is this about Bdubs?” Grian had asked, Scar could’ve cried. He wishes it was about that, he couldn’t tell Grian the truth - he just couldn’t. So he lets Grian think it is about Bdubs, it’s easier.
When he came back on Boxing Day, he was going to tell Grian he was going away for a day or two and get some clothes. But when he got there, there was no sign of anyone being awake. Grian was still asleep, next to a bottle of- two bottles of liquor.
–
“Listen to me, light of my life. There’s only so much wine that you can drink in one life and it will never be enough to save you from the bottom of your glass.”
–
“Grian I just- you need to really try and get better otherwise I don’t think I can do this much longer.” Scar told him.
Grian’s face drops and he looks up at Scar.
Scar feels horrible.
He sees the face of a scared, vulnerable young adult who is sad and lonely and doesn’t know how to handle his feelings. Except substance. Scar sees the face of a man who only needs support and love. Scar sees a man of whom he has given support and love to.
Scar needs to take it away - for his own sake. Scar’s mental health is being drained trying to stabilise Grian. Of course, he loves Grian, but he can’t love like this any more. Not if he isn’t getting much back.
In Grian’s reflection, Scar sees a man who is scared of his own partner and how he might switch up at any given moment. Scar sees a man who can’t sleep comfortably next to his partner. That man is Scar, he’s had enough.
Grian left after Scar said that he came back and broke up with Scar before he had the chance to do it to Grian.
–
When Scar finishes the song the crowd erupts into cheer. Phones lower and people jump up. Scar breathes out heavily, opening his eyes and looking among the crowd.
“I can see you liked it?” Scar asks and the crowd erupts again, causing him to chuckle. “Okay everyone back to the setlist, yeah?”
Scar goes through the rest of his setlist fast, too fast. Rushing to finish the show and go home - go anywhere but here. Backstage, Scar’s quick to pad himself off with a cloth, ignoring Bdubs’ questions to him until he is yanked into a small room.
“Dude? Dude what- are you good?” Bdubs asked with a scoff, smacking Scar lightly on the side of his face.
Scar leans forward, placing his head on Bdubs’ shoulder and sighing shakily. Bdubs doesn’t respond with words, only a hand on his back.
“I know you miss him, it’s gonna be okay.” Bdubs whispered. Scar lets out another shaky breath, acknowledging he heard Bdubs.
But Bdubs has been telling Scar it’s going to be okay for three years.
Is it?