Chapter Text
It was a normal day, like always. I woke up that morning feeling fine, everything went as it usually did; I woke up first and started breakfast, Han sooyoung and Yoo Sangha came down next and helped me cook (really, only Sangha helped while Sooyoung complained about having to wake up early), Jung Heewon and Lee Hyungsung came over to eat from their own house, then the kids–Lee Jihye, Shin Yoosung, and Lee Gilyoung–as well as Kim Dokja finally woke up and came down to eat. Then everyone split up and went about their days. I went up to my room and worked at my desk for a bit like usual, until a gut feeling that something was wrong took over my whole body. I couldn’t shake the feeling, no matter how hard I tried to, and eventually I gave in and decided to check the whole house to make sure everything and everyone was okay.
I went downstairs to find Heewon and Hyungsung talking to the kids, they were reminiscing about the good old days and the only person who truly looked interested was Jihye. Sangha and Sooyoung were flirting with each other on the couch, which made me feel like pulling out my insides. Kim Dokja was the only person who was nowhere to be seen, so I continued my search of the house for where he could be. After checking the entire downstairs area I went back upstairs to see if he was in his room, but I still found nothing.
After I walked out, I realized the bathroom at the end of the hall had its light on, so he must be in there. Somehow, knowing he was in the bathroom didn’t make the horrible feeling in my gut go away, it actually made it worse. I strode over to the door quickly before knocking twice. “Kim Dokja, are you in there?” I asked without any emotion showing itself in my voice. I heard a startled squeak and some shuffling, but no response. I tried the handle to find the door was unlocked, “I’m coming in.” I swung the door open and stepped inside, closing the door behind me out of habit. My eyes locked onto Kim Dokja, and my breath hitched as I looked at him.
He looked terrified, shrinking back against the wall trying to become smaller. Tears formed in his eyes, and he was trembling so badly I thought he would fall over any second. But my focus was completely locked onto his arms, his white jacket thrown on the ground to expose them. Large, angry red cuts adorned his arms, some old and scarred over while others were new and still dripping blood. They were deep, intentional, and heartbreaking. He held a small razorblade in his hand, squeezing it so tightly that blood was pouring from his palm and dropping onto the floor. “Y- Yoo Joonghyuk…” His voice was small and broken and weak, mirroring his appearance. His voice snapped me back to reality, and I realized I had stood there longer than I should have.
I needed to get to work, not stare at him until he died. I moved swiftly and grabbed the medkit from under the sink, picked his jacket up off the floor, and gently took his unwounded hand and carefully but quickly rushed him into my room so that the others wouldn’t see him. He was practically frozen, but he still let me lead him out of the bathroom and into a sitting position on my bed. I set down the jacket next to him, grabbed the razor blade out of his hand and put it in my hoodie pocket, and opened the medkit. I grabbed the bottle of disinfectant, a small cloth, and some bandage rolls before setting the kit down on the bed as well. Kim Dokja had his arms straight with his hands resting on his knees, staring at his arms, looking like he was trying not to cry. He was still shaking, but it had calmed down at least a bit. I poured some of the disinfectant onto the cloth before gently patting Dokja's arm with it to sanitize and clean the cuts. There were a few hisses of pain and sharp intakes of breath, and each time I stopped to look at Dokja before starting again after a few seconds. I finished dabbing the last bit of his wrist and then set down the cloth as I grabbed the bandages.
I started at his shoulder, gently wrapping the material around his arm, trying to keep it tight but not too tight. I finished one arm and moved on to the other, noticing that he was barely shaking at all now, and that he was watching closely as I wrapped his arms and covered the litter of bright red lines that stood out against his pale skin. With the sheer amount of cuts on his arms, it finally registered in my brain that this had been going on for a long time with no one noticing.
Kim Dokja was a resilient and strong person on the outside, always making jokes and never getting scared from anything. He always acted so put together, so in charge of everything, so happy and content with life. He never showed any weakness, he never displayed any negative emotions that he felt inside. He hid every vulnerable part of himself, almost like he had vowed to himself that he never would. So to see him so broken, so completely destroyed, it made me feel emotions I thought I’d buried long ago. Sadness crashed in waves over my whole body, almost causing me to fall over, as I pictured what it must have been like for him. Constantly hiding behind a mask of confidence, never letting anyone close enough to see the cracks that snaked across that shell. Never letting anyone see the true him, the part of him that he deemed weak and disgusting and pathetic. Never letting them see the pain he struggled with, never letting them see the pain he inflicted upon himself. He bottled up everything, and when he couldn't hold it any longer he would release it by spilling his own blood. He would harm himself to gain relief from the weight of his sadness, he would take his mind off of one pain by creating physical pain instead.
These thoughts kept circling around my head, overlapping in my mind before finding their way into the very core of my being, causing me physical damage by just existing. I was so lost in my own thoughts that I didn’t even realize that I had stopped bandaging Dokja’s arm until he hummed softly, questioningly, completely slicing my thoughts in half as I snapped back to reality. “Sorry..” I murmured quietly as I picked back up where I left off. I finished quickly and stepped back a bit to be able to see my handy work. It looked good to me, wrapped tightly and neatly, but the small patches of red that had already started forming on the white bandages made my heart sink.
I stepped close again and grabbed his jacket, carefully pulling it on around the bandages to make sure they didn’t get messed up. Dokja had stopped shaking completely now, hugging his arms close to his body like he was trying to warm up after being cold for too long. I let out a breath I didn’t realize I was holding in before moving the medkit to my nightstand and pulling back the blankets on my bed. “Sleep for a bit, please.” I breathed out shakily and carefully, not wanting him to react negatively and refuse. Dokja looked at me and was still for a bit, before looking down and nodding his head shallowly before crawling over to lay down with his head on a pillow. I pulled the blankets over his small frame– much thinner than it used to be, and way too thin to be healthy– and tucked him in gingerly. I gave him a small pat on the head before turning off the lights, though the room was still lit up by the soft rays of sunlight that streamed in through the curtains, and left the room.
I hoped that he would stay put until I finished my next goal. I walked quickly into his room, closing and locking the door behind me so that no one would ask questions. I then began to scour his room, starting with his desk. I rummaged through drawers and under papers, finding nothing but a pair of kiddy scissors, before putting everything back into place and moving to check under his bed. Nothing there either, so I moved to his chest of drawers. I checked each drawer from top to bottom, finding nothing suspicious until I got to the last drawer which contained long-sleeve shirts and sweaters.
Buried underneath them was a small collection of sharp items. A knife, sharp scissors, a metal slap bracelet, and a few more small razorblades, Every single item had dried blood on it, the overwhelming metallic smell sickening. I felt my whole body shake with huge tremors, my breathing shallow and rough as I tried not to suffocate underneath the overwhelming feelings of guilt and despair as it became undeniable that I had failed Km Dokja. That if I had realized sooner, that if I paid more attention to how he never took off his jacket or let anyone touch his arms, how he seemed to constantly hiss in pain whenever he moved. And now, looking at the tools he used to desecrate his delicate skin, the items that he carved into himself with when he needed relief, it almost broke me completely. This was my best friend, my closest companion, my crush since I first laid my eyes on him over a decade ago, and I hadn’t even known what he was doing until now. I had never truly known how shattered he was.
I took a deep breath, trying to calm the storm of thoughts in my head, and I reached out a shaking arm to grab the objects to reunite them with the razor blade I took from him earlier. I continued to check his room just to make sure that nothing else could be used for harm, and after deeming the room safe, I went downstairs, the soft clank of metal in my pocket only able to be heard by my ears. Nothing had changed since I’d left, and no one even spared me a glance as I walked into the kitchen. I grabbed one of the old childlock bins that we used when Suyeong and Gilyoung were a bit younger, and set it on the counter. It was small, with a child-lock that only Huiwon and I were able to open, and a cute white cloud shaped thing with a yellow horn and a cute smiling face printed on the lid. I opened every drawer that we had, taking every sharp knife from their places and shoving them into the boxes. Some might say that locking up every knife in the kitchen is overkill, but I wasn’t going to take any chances. After double checking that no knife was left behind, I sealed them up and placed them on the highest cabinet shelf that was always left unused.
After that was done, I took the items out of my pocket and wrapped them in an old and tattered hand towel before putting them in the large trashbin outside. As soon as they were in the trash I felt the giant weight that had constricted my breathing for the past hour lighten. It was still there, but it no longer physically impaired me. I could finally take a full breath, and the oxygen finally going up to my brain helped clear my head enough to start feeling the adrenaline wearing off and leaving only exhaustion.
I promptly began making my way back to my room, a water bottle in hand for Dokja if he was thirsty. I quietly opened the door and softly shut it behind me, before walking over to the bed. Kim Dokja was right where I left him, his eyes closed and face relaxed with sleep even though tear stains still shone on his face. I sat the water bottle down next to the medkit on my nightstand, before brushing a few strands of hair away from his face. Without thinking, I leaned down and pressed a light kiss to his forehead. I felt my ears warm and knew they had turned red as I realized what I just did, but it was too late to take it back now. I walked over to my comfy chair and sat down, feeling my eyes close as the exhaustion from before overtook my body and pulled me into a fragile, comfortable rest.
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