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ever since he became a trainee, his life has been reigned over by order, schedules, tasks. so it eventually grows to become a very predictable life. predictability is good, don't get him wrong, it is soothing because he knows what to expect and is always prepared. naturally, when one day falls out of the ordinary, it comes knocking furiously, wrecking everything in its wake, and everything around him collapses as he stands there unable to do anything.
or perhaps he has always been able to do something.
maybe it is because he indeed did something that they are right here, right now.
it could be something he has been carving for years, he ponders. what have i done? he asks himself. what have i not done?
“i'm leaving,” Mark says, one chilly october afternoon. predictability has never prepared Donghyuck to handle these situations, obviously. but he's an artist, a master of his craft, and so his face remains unmovable, a façade he's crafted to perfection after so many years.
Mark knows, though, Mark has learnt to read him the same way he reads music scores, both him and Haechan. so he knows Donghyuck is initially having a hard time processing what has just been said.
that alone is enough to make Mark falter. “or maybe not…” he whispers, then his head falls between his shoulders, hanging low. “i don't know.” he runs his hands through his dry hair that ends up pointing in all sorts of directions.
cataclysmic as it may be, Donghyuck sees, can almost smell, and definitely feels the ruckus inside Mark's wonderful head.
he exhales the breath that had unknowingly become trapped inside his lungs, a slight pain getting off his chest, but a pressure remaining.
another thing Donghyuck had become really used to is putting himself last for the sake of everyone around him. the only other individual contending for said spot being Mark Lee, who is in clear need of his help right now, so Donghyuck pushes his confusion and pain and sorrow to the back of his mind.
empty lungs now beg for a breath, and he inhales now very quietly, trying to make absolutely no sound lest he spooks Mark. concealing, it is the name. of what he is doing, i mean.
despite knowing very well Mark is referring to the group, even though Mark never really offered an explanation, he says: “nct, you mean.” it's not really a question, it's a reluctant affirmation.
Mark nods but doesn't lift his head, too afraid of looking into his closest relation's eyes.
“the company,” he pushes.
Mark brings the heels of his palms to his closed eyelids and Donghyuck watches him press so hard no doubt the secrets of the universe are spilling inside his eyes. he stops him. Mark has to blink several times to get his eyes to get used to the light once again, then, he faces forward.
Donghyuck is half expecting to find determination there, even if it feels like that might kill him, because determination means Mark has a clear path to follow in his life, some sense of direction. if he ever sees Mark lost… that. that is what would definitely kill him. even more so than this.
he doesn't find resolve and his world collapses.
“talk to me,” he asks. begs.
and Mark pours.
once the gates open and water comes crashing down like a tidal wave, there is no turning back. good thing Donghyuck is not afraid of the ocean. you may have never seen him swim. but he knows and for Mark, he will dive.
“i can't keep doing this. the tight schedules, the endless meetings, the lack of privacy,” Mark winces, probably thinking he's being selfish. “i never really thought a moment like this would come. i am so happy doing this, you know, music.” there's a pause, heavy with years of unsaid things. “but my contract expires in six months, and i was called over by management to probe me into renewing already, i had to ask them to wait. i didn't think, i just… did. i had to ask them… i had to…” his words get lost. “it must mean something, right?” the desperation is palpable, as if he's asking every possible god to hear him.
like a desperate believer of a forsaken faith, Mark leans forward, his arm stretches as his hand opens and then tightens around Donghyuck's forearm, and he prays. “had i been into fully committing myself to this life, i wouldn't have doubted,” he's praying, looking at Donghyuck like he's the god he is seeking. maybe that is how Mark truly sees him, and it shakes him to the bone.
so Donghyuck gives him the answer he wants to hear. “no, you wouldn't have.” and it's true, maybe not entirely, but it is real. for Mark, however, it was an entirely new development. Mark's big sparkly eyes are looking at him, expecting… something. “i am glad you have, though,” he keeps going and a small smile, barely there, illuminates his face because this is utterly true. Mark blinks. “you have always given your everything to this family, and i have seen you enjoy every moment of it even with all the difficulties. i think it is time you look out for yourself, find new horizons.”
a big– a huge sigh escapes Mark and he instantly looks lighter. as if he was looking for somebody to validate his concern and his desire. as if Donghyuck's reassurance were everything he needed.
“you're gonna need to talk to everybody, you know?” a statement. because he knows there is no going back, even if Mark sits and ponders, the decision will be exactly the same.
Mark brings Donghyuck's hand to his lips. “there's plenty of time.”
there is not plenty of time. one part of Donghyuck's mind wants to scream. the childish part, the abandoned part.
the sensible part… that one understands Mark as if the problem were his own. it has always been this way.
“the one person i need an eternity saying goodbye to is you,” Mark whispers.
Donghyuck tilts his head like a little animal who doesn't understand. “but i won't disappear, hyung,” fear, that's what he feels for a fraction of a second.
“i hope you won't,” he comes closer. “i hope you still want to be with me after this.”
“that's not goodbye.”
“it is in a way, because we have been here together, facing hell and heaven side by side all these years,” ten years, Donghyuck thinks. “and now i won't be here. Mark Lee from nct won't be here, just your boyfriend: Minhyung.”
tears pool in both their eyes, but the ones in Mark's refuse to fall. “that's enough. that has always been enough.” because that's the way it has always been, Mark sees him and he sees Mark. “this won't end so easily.”
Mark laughs wetly, “yeah? soulmate?”
Donghyuck shakes his head and titters. “soulmate is too soft a word for the string that tied my heart to yours.”
Mark stands on his feet and as he does so he pulls Donghyuck's hand and brings him to stand in front of him. no sooner had Donghyuck gathered his balance than Mark was kissing him.
gently, deeply. desperately.
in the middle of that encounter does Mark finally let his tears fall, run down his cheeks until they nestle between their lips as they kiss. the saltiness of them keeps them grounded in a way.
it feels definite. the confession. the kiss. the touches. all of it.
as Mark lets him go, he slowly slides all the way down until his knees touch the floor and Donghyuck is the only one standing in the middle of Mark's room. his hands immediately fly to Mark's short hair, while Mark places his around Donghyuck's waist, burying his forehead down his belly.
“have you told anyone else?” dumb question, he knows, but he has to make Mark let everything out. he feels him shake his head, it makes him smile. “oh, i must be really special, then,” he teases.
“you know you are,” the voice comes muffled yet Donghyuck understands.
“and tell me, would you let this special one know what your plans are?” the spiky hair of Mark's neck rubs on his fingers as he soothingly pulls.
slowly, dark eyes turn to look at him. “i don't know,” Donghyuck feels his shoulders sag, he cocks his face to the side just a couple centimeters and the very tip of his tongue brushes his lower lip. trapped. helpless. sensations of utter despair. Mark looks like a lost little child in front of him.
“how about,” light is how he is trying to make the atmosphere feel, “you go and study English like you always wanted?”
it is hard, he cannot lie to you. to let someone go, to push them to find their path, a path without him. it burns. but Donghyuck has never been able to do anything unless he knows there is someone supporting him, he's human after all, a social being, as is Mark. and Mark needs someone to tell him it is okay, to enlighten the way for him. and Donghyuck has always been there for him in absolutely every step of his career, it only makes sense now that he's the one to help him this time, too.
“i'm too old for that,” the excuse is meek, they both know it.
Donghyuck cups his cheek empathetically. “and you were too young for this world when you started. there is no age limit for doing things, Mark.”
there's silence, so Donghyuck pulls Mark to his feet and then pushes him onto the bed, quickly climbing on top of his pelvis to keep him still, to keep him from hiding.
the vulnerable moment doesn't stop Mark from groaning and thrusting his hips up like a horny teenager and Donghyuck laughs.
“listen to me,” he says firmly. “every single step of the way has led you to this moment. every single person you have met has taught you something you can use for the rest of your life. every decision you have made has been for a purpose,” Mark nods once to show him he's listening. “you will never be too old to do something you are meant to be doing, something god has planned for you.”
Donghyuck is a firm believer of fate. Mark calls it god. so Donghyuck calls it that, too.
Mark nods again enthusiastically, and brings Donghyuck close to his chest, breathing him in.
“i don't know what i would do without you– what i would have done without you.”
Donghyuck rests his cheek on top of Mark's shoulder and says: “that's not a possibility i entertain,” he traces a slim finger down Mark's neck, over his adam's apple and all the way to his collarbone. “we're meant to be together, you and i, in this and every life.”