Chapter Text
«He's like a drug for you Bella » I told her gently. I didn't even have to watch my tone because I knew I was done trying to persuade her. I was gentle in earnest this time. For the first time – possibly ever since I first phased – with her. « I see that you cannot live without him now. It's too late. » I thought I was done with that statement, but I had to speak my mind truthfully now. Now was the time to be fully transparent.
« But I would have been healthier for you. Not a drug ; I would have been the air, the sun. »
I barely braced myself for her response to my words; I didn't have to anymore, as my guard was all the way down. I was serene. I was in a lot of pain physically, given the amount of broken bones in my body, but my mind was at ease. The chase was over. She'd made her choice and I was finally coming to terms with it. Maybe it was from all the morphine rushing through me, but I gladly welcomed it.
I peeked at her, and saw her face had turned melancholic, the corners of her mouth upturned, but her eyes were sad. I was all too familiar with this emotion, as I was feeling it too at this moment. It felt like goodbyes were in the very near future.
« I used to think of you that way, you know. Like the sun. My personal sun. You balanced out the clouds nicely for me. »
She was nestled against the good side of my body, on my tiny bed. Although I was shirtless, I was covered in sweat from the pain and the medication. Bella reached for my cheek with her left hand, and the feel of her cold fingers startled me because of how feverish I felt. And because of how warm I naturally am, of course. My mind wandered for a minute, and I tried to imagine Bella being even colder than she already is now as herself, when she'd get turned into a vampire and stay cold for eternity onwards. In a few weeks, I won't be able to ever warm her up again. I felt a lump form in my throat. I, her sun, would be rendered completely useless, obsolete. I had miserably failed at saving her.
My best friend, my soul mate – her words – had chosen not breathing over breathing by my side, and there was nothing I could do about it anymore.
Her being here, in my room, felt like purgatory, as though this would be the last visit before I die, and before she dies. We'd die apart, and in our very own special ways. It was a long shot from the beginning and I was just starting to realize that : I never stood a chance from the moment she laid eyes on Edward. Maybe that's why I'd acted the way I had, throwing myself desperately at her these past few months. But she never seeked love, she was in for addiction, and infatuation, and that's what she and Edward have.
I decided to give in to the tears -I'd lost the fight after all- I deserved a good cry. I reached for Bella's hand, still delicately cupped on my cheek and rolled over to face her. We locked eyes for a split second before the tears welling up in my eyes started to overflow.
« Shhht » she said quietly, as she rested her forehead against mine. « You're going to be okay, Jacob. You will always be my Jacob. » She hesitated for a second, probably trying to word her next utterance clearly. « I always liked you better as my Jacob than just Jacob anyway ».
I pulled away from Bella's face, looking at her intently in the eyes. They were gleaming with sincerity, which reminded me of the days Edward was gone and I had Bella all to myself, safe and sound. Mostly.
« What do you mean ? » I asked, confused.
«I like Romeo and Juliet Jacob better than Wuthering Heights Jacob. » she started. « I prefer who you are when Edward is not around. I prefer who you are when you are not in werewolf mode. » She gestured quotation marks on the last two words.
« I also prefer who you are when Edward's not around » I added jokingly. My body was starting to feel better. Doctor Carlisle was right, I was healing fast. I had to admit he had been nothing but helpful to my case. “More seriously Bella, can you define werewolf mode?” I asked, wiping a tear off my cheek with my fist.
She looked away from my face, suddenly ill-at-ease, her mouth pulled into a line. Her eyes fixated on a family picture, back from when my mom was still alive, probably thinking of how simpler a time that was. I tried to ignore the feeling of loss that washed over me upon looking at the frame. The loss of my mom, for sure, but above all, the loss of myself, of who I used to be before discovering the myths and legends of my people were actually rooted in reality.
“You were so different before you started phasing Jacob. You were so sweet, so radiant. That's who I think about when I say my Jacob. And I know that Jacob's long gone, but I still get to catch glimpses of him every now and then, and it makes my heart shudder to know that he's still in there somewhere” she pushed her index finger to my torso, next to my heart. “That's the Jacob I could have envisioned a future with. Not the Jacob who manipulated me and proceeded to force himself onto me. I did not want that kiss then, Jacob.” she expressed calmly. I did not deserve her benevolence because I know what I did. I know I had assaulted her that day. And a couple days ago on top of the mountain, too. I let my gaze drop to Bella's collarbones, as I felt too cowardly to hold her gaze.
“I –“ I started.
“No excuses, Jacob. What's done is done. But why did you have to be so persistent? You sabotaged yourself” she accused. She was playing with my hair at the same time, pushing the wet strands away from my eyes. My feelings were so ambivalent. On the one hand it felt like she was deeply hurt – which I knew she was, because I had hurt her – but on the other hand, she was still here, snug against my body, and most importantly, not with Edward. She could see my expression getting confused and yet it was clear it was my cue to talk.
“I wish I could blame my behavior on it's a wolf thing but it's really not. It's no excuse. I was so petrified of losing you forever that I became an abuser. I guess I'd figured I'd better jinx myself completely than let you become a vampire. I acted in desperation and delusion, and I wholeheartedly apologize. I don't want to guilt trip you anymore than you already do yourself, so I'll spell it out unequivocally : none of this is your fault, Bella.”
The tears were coming back.
“Jacob?” I heard my father shout from the hallway. “Sue's here. I'm going to dinner at their house. Leah and Seth are home. Will you be okay with Bella? Do you want me to bring something back for you guys to eat?”
“No, we're good, thank you!” Bella and I belted in unison. Our heads turned to each other and we started giggling, our faces so close together our noses grazed. My face was still damp from crying and yet, the muscles in my cheeks could not hold the large smile back.
“...Okay guys... See you later, be good!” my dad replied back.
He probably heard us laughing, and I could easily picture his expression upon hearing us do so. I know both Bella's dad and mine were avid supporters of Bella and I's relationship when it was more... romance oriented. If he only knew she'd made her choice, and I only came second place. It was set in stone now. She was going to get married no matter what, and I hoped Charlie would support her despite his non-affection toward Edward.
It was hard to imagine Bella was going to technically be my mortal enemy before the end of the summer. It was impossible for me to project a future where we'd hate each other that inherently. We could never hate each other like that, mythical creatures or not.
The front door slammed shut and the bang snapped me out of my inner monologue. I was still grinning wide and large, and so was Bella. The look we exchanged was so intimate my heart skipped a beat. I was conflicted : should I keep looking at her, to take her in once and for all before she'd left forever or should I put some distance and look away, to start getting used to never seeing her again?
“Anyway, what I mean is, I will try my hardest to never be Wuthering Heights Jacob again. I will not be Heathcliff because I am able to learn from my mistakes and to break toxic patterns, unlike him.” I concluded.
Bella raised an eyebrow and stared me up and down, smirking.
“What?” I asked, realizing how out of character that last sentence probably was coming from me, a teenage werewolf more who was more interested in mechanics than Gothic literature.
“I didn't know you could read!” she blurted, guffawing.
“Oh my God Bella you're so rude! I go to school you know!” I snorted, feigning offense. She knew I was going along with her joke, and she knew I appreciated the joke.
“That's a bold statement coming from a human who can't even walk without tripping on her own feet!” I teased.
Her reaction was immediate : she gasped, straightened up on the bed and hit one of my shoulders.
“Oh Jacob I'm sorry! I forgot you were injured on that side!” she confounded herself, putting one hand on her mouth.
I pretended to wince and groan from the pain, and took my good arm to the shoulder she'd just hit, before bursting into laughter.
“Don't do that to me Jacob Black! Are you really feeling better already?” she said, astonished.
“Don't worry Bella, it doesn't hurt that bad anymore. See!”
I proceeded to raise my injured arm and bend my bad knee as proof. It was actually starting to feel like I hadn't just been crushed by an army of eighteen newborn vampires a few hours earlier.
Bella's mouth opened wide, so did her eyes.
“Those werewolf genes will never cease to amaze me.” she stated, as she put her hand flat on my upper stomach.
The placement of the hand startled me, and there was a moment of silence before her eyes met mine. She immediately looked back down to her hand and moved it up to my torso. She stopped at that level and started pressing her fingers deeper into my flesh. She was sitting upright now, biting her lips, looking at mine. It was so hard to read her at that moment.
“Jake...” she exhaled. She was staring at my chest, her hand gently stroking me up and down. She looked mesmerized. I was beginning to feel the butterflies come to life in my stomach. Stop it Jacob! She just told you she chose the bloodsucker! I didn't know how to react, so I didn't react at all. If I spoke, she might stop touching me, and that was the last thing I wanted. Was this whole conversation already a distant memory to her? She chose Edward, so why was she here, in my bed, caressing my body?
I looked down to where her hand was, without moving. I was petrified. The switch-up was incomprehensible. I tried to catch her eyes, but she was somewhere else.
“What are you thinking about, Bells?” I said softly, trying to ignore the physical contact as hard as I could.
She took a deep breath, her mouth opened and closed right away. Whatever she was about to tell me was hard to voice, apparently.
“Jake, do you know why Edward hasn't changed me yet?” she inquired, tracing the shape of my collarbones with her ring finger as she spoke. I was eyeing her movements closely, completely puzzled.
“I guess he's waiting for you to be 100% sure of your decision?” I answered. The heat generated from Bella's contact was starting to creep up my spine, and I'm sure she'd felt my skin temperature increase by now.
“Yeah... that's part of it. But... Edward is adamant that I get the most human experiences possible before he turns me... that's part of his conditions, besides marriage.” she almost whispered.
“Okay... go on...” I said, confused. Where was she going with this? This was a riddle I could not crack by myself. “You've lost me here, Bells.” I admitted, my brows knitted.
“I'm still a virgin,” she stated, leaning forward to get up closer to my face. I could feel the warmth of her breath on my lips. Strands of her hair were falling on me like a waterfall. I recognized the smell of her shampoo – strawberry –. My heart was about to beat out of my chest, and I could hear my blood rushing through my body.
I tried to keep my breathing even, as I felt like I was about to pass out, although I was already laying down. I wasn't surprised she and Edward had never done the deed, as vampire/human intercourse was obviously difficult and dangerous for the human half of the duo.
“and I've been asking Edward to have sex with me... but he's been refusing.” she continued. I gulped so loud that I thought I'd swallowed my tongue. It was impossible to hide my labored breathing at that point.
Bella could definitely see how flustered I was, and she knew I had understood her implicit demand. Blood was starting to pump in more intimate parts of my body, and it was proving impossible to hide. As her breath on my face was unsteady, I imagined her body was reacting to the tension in the air in the same way.
“So I choose you to share this experience with me.” she concluded.
She was frozen in action. I needed to make a decision quickly. The pull I felt toward her was so hard to resist -that pull had always been hard to resist- but this was different. Even worse. Excruciating. I'd always been touchy-feely with Bella, I'd never held back when it came to hug her but it's never been... sexual before. This was a new set of sensations I was about to unlock with Bella, and I didn't even have to initiate it this time. This was all coming from her. She wanted us to be each other's first sexual encounter. And I would forever be her first and only human sexual encounter.
I grabbed her by the waist with both my hands on either side of her, and she was on top of me the next second, our faces still one inch apart. For some reason, the lump in my throat was still palpable, and the smile on my face had evaporated. My eyes were planted in hers, as I tried to decipher whether this was a split-second decision or whether she'd been premeditating this interaction. Looking into her eyes was shattering my heart. The moon reflected into her irises enough for me to see the infinite love she exuded for me. The lights were dim in my small room, the combination of the orangey atmosphere and the shadows gave Bella's face a mystical quality. I was fighting back tears, but I was entranced and my whole body tensed when I realized she was straddling me now. She could definitely feel that I was hard under her.
Crap.
“Bella...” was all I could muster up to say before she pressed her lips against mine, softly. All I could do was reciprocate. I cradled her face in my hands as she was kissing me gently. It was sweet and comforting, almost pure somehow.
“So what do you say Jacob?” she asked, pulling away swiftly. I was grateful to be a werewolf at that moment ; that meant that Alice wouldn't be able to see this happening, as her psychic abilities were hindered by the presence of my kind. I wasn't necessarily keen on the idea of Edward coming down here and catching us in the act. I decided I'd deal with the consequences of what we were about to do at a later time. I was set on giving myself over to Bella, there was no going back now.
“I say yes” I finally uttered, my heart fluttering at the words.
Bella smiled, not exactly surprised, and went back in to kiss me again instantly. I almost whimpered. I put my hands on her back, from underneath her long-sleeved shirt, and took in the warmth of her soft skin. She was finally at a normal temperature – for a human at least – from cuddling with me for the past hour. Her skin was so delicate I couldn't keep myself from touching her all over, I could not keep my hands still on her back.
She straightened up, still astride me, took off her shirt, and her bra went with it, tossing that across the floor of my room. I was captivated by her attitude, still in disbelief that this was actually happening. I sat up on the bed also, and pulled her into my arms, kissing her neck. She took a handful of my hair and let her hand fall to the side of my face, to land under my chin, clasping at my neck gently. I was already panting, and so was she. We laid back down, our bodies taking each other's shape, side by side, as she started to stoke me through my underpants, making me gasp.
“Is this okay?” she asked, stopping her movement. “You have to tell me if this is too much.”
“This is more than okay.” I answered, under my breath.
She resumed the stroking. I was still trying to collect myself when she reached for me from underneath my underwear. The contact of her hand on my penis without the fabric barrier was overwhelming. I couldn't help but grab her hair from the nape of her neck and close my eyes, letting my head fall back. She was rubbing my cock more quickly now, and I decided it was time I'd touched her more adequately in return.
My hand made its way between her thighs, but her jeans were still on ; I fidgeted with the button until I managed to pop it open, then the fly unzipped easily. Bella stood up on the bed when she understood I wouldn't go very far with her skinny jeans still on. I followed her lead and shimmied out of my boxer shorts, my erection fully exposed. Bella threw a glance downwards and held back a smile she didn't want me to catch. She could try to hide her satisfaction all she wanted, but I wouldn't hold mine back.
“You are breathtaking Bella.” I commented, genuinely struck by her delicate beauty.
I'd seen the occasional naked woman in magazines and movies before, but none moved me the way Bella did just now. The lump in my throat came back, and I found myself having to hold back tears at the sight of her. Pathetic. I was so in love with her. What's going to happen after this?
“And you are not bad yourself, Jacob Black. Actually, you are the hottest guy I've ever dreamed of. Oh, and you were right : I have always been attracted to you. I figured I'd come clean and tell you you were right.” she teased.
“Ha. Knew it.” I added nonchalantly. It did feel good being right. The ego boost, especially coming from Bella melted the lump in my throat instantly.
“You actually look supernatural, Jake. I don't even know how you're real.” she continued.
I giggled and side eyed her mischievously, as she leaned back down to kiss me. I extended my arms to reach her groin area, and started delicately touching her clitoris, by instinct. The feeling was unlike any other, it was warm, and wet, and slightly pulsating. She threw her arms around my neck and rested her cheek against mine, whimpering softly. That was my cue I was hitting the right spot. Her body started tensing after a few seconds of this, so I moved my fingers more rapidly. Weirdly enough, it's like I knew exactly what I was supposed to be doing.
“Keep going Jacob...” she pleaded, whispering directly into my ear, her face buried in my shaggy hair. Determined to give her the full human experience, I lifted her, then pinned her to my bed on her back and made my way down to get a taste of her. My tongue landed on her clit, I grabbed her stomach by both sides and I started working on her. She seized my hands, her body squirming, her moaning getting louder. Thank God my father was at Sue's. I was dying to sink into her for good, but I needed to please her as much as possible before I actually thought about my own pleasure.
I inserted two fingers in her opening, feeling around for a way to make her climax. I was still eating her out, when I started rubbing inside her vagina with my fingers. She was convulsing more and more violently, tension accelerating, when suddenly all her muscles tensed up and she came to a halt. I looked up to see Bella's face flushed, eyes closed, mouth open, with her hair falling perfectly around her on the pillow. She was still out of breath though she looked serene. I propped myself up to her level and kissed her on the forehead. She half-smiled, probably still on an orgasm-high.
“I can't believe you did that, Jake.” she commented, flabbergasted.
“I can't believe it either,” I snorted.
“Are you proud of yourself?” she asked, under her breath, her fingers delicately placed under my chin. She was eating me up with her eyes.
“Very.” I answered in a husky voice.
She planted her stare into mine, and she gazed at me for a few seconds. She seemed astonished and pleased at the same time. It was almost like she was looking at me for the first time. I also was discovering a whole new facet of Bella : I wished she'd exerted that much confidence in everyday life. I could read her face like an open book. The curves of her cheeks, the shape of her eyes, the outline of her lips.
And I couldn't help but feel like my future was staring right back at me. I couldn't push down the visions of us as adults, and then old people, on our wrap-around porch, with our grand kids running around us. Oh, I am going to be a wreck when she goes back to Edward after this. I decided to look away before I propelled myself into a dark spiral.
“What are you waiting for?” asked Bella, caressing my cock and then wrapping her hand around it.
She was right, what was I waiting for? I nodded, and she guided me to her opening. I was about to thrust into her but I remembered this was her first time.
“Am I not going to hurt you Bella? Do you want me to go in slowly?” I asked, concerned. I assumed given the size of the rest of my body, that the girth of my dick was probably above average too. I was suddenly very aware of the fact that I was 6”7 and she was 5”5.
“Don't go all protector on me Jacob. I'll be okay. I want this.” she answered.
She cupped my face with her hands and smiled at me. I leaned in to kiss her neck, making my way back up to her lips. It was her lips I craved, and she did too, as she started biting on mine while we made out. It sent a surge of excitement and desire through my body, so I took my cock in my left hand and sunk into her at once. This new sensation sent shivers down my spine, and for a second I felt light-headed. She wrapped her legs around my waist and I started thrusting in and out, gently. I couldn't hold a moan back, but I managed to open my eyes to check on Bella. Her brows were knitted now and I couldn't tell whether it was from pleasure or from pain.
I hesitated for a split second, but she let out a satisfied moan right at that moment. This was my cue to go for it. I started to increase the pace of my motion, carefully and gradually, to avoid coming too fast. All I could feel was her, she was all around me, I was inside of her and she was all wrapped up outside of me. The walls of her vagina were tight and warm around my cock, it was so sensitive I could almost feel the ridges of her inner muscles. I had to concentrate to not lose my mind, I was fully whimpering in her ear, my torso against hers, holding on to her waist for balance. I peeked at my hands, my veins were popping out even more than usual. I was pretty sure my body temperature was way above my normal 108F now.
Bella suddenly pushed her hand to my chest and gestured a change of position.
“Let's switch. I'll get on top.” she initiated, self-assured. She didn't need to say more, I just obeyed her, completely under her spell.
She took me in as soon as my back hit the bed and I gasped. The way she moved her hips made me crazy. I was kneading the sides of her stomach, grabbing her breasts, as she took the lead and motioned faster on my cock for a few minutes. I let her do as she pleased, I was completely and utterly abandoned to her body. She could have done anything she wanted to me, and I would have obliged her.
Bella started wincing, not stopping her movements, and seized my left hand to place my fingers to her clit. I was trying to concentrate and enjoy the sensations, it was getting harder and harder to stop myself from climaxing. I rubbed her clit, she was even wetter than earlier. Bella was whimpering louder now, it almost sounded like a lament. My own moans became more shallow as I realized I would probably come very soon. I decided to act on that urgency, sat up, grabbed the nape of Bella's neck, and proceeded to thrust in and out of her faster and harder. She clasped one hand in my hair, and the other was almost clawing at my chest muscles.
“You can be a little rougher with me Bella, you know how fast I heal” I exclaimed between the whimpers. She went in to kiss me all over my face and said, out of breath :
“I don't feel the need to hurt you anymore than I already have, Jacob. Now please, make me come again.” she retorted.
As I heard her words, my feral instincts kicked in. I chose to ignore the first part of her sentence though, for now. My thrusting became more violent, and I could sense a tinge of the phasing process tingle in my spine. Was I going to phase right here? Could sex trigger phasing? My mind was going all over the place, faster and faster, a thousand thoughts a minute until I understood what was happening : I was about to climax.
In that same second, I felt Bella's vagina contract around me, – fuck I didn't know it was possible for her to get even tighter –. She buried her face into my neck, her body almost going limp against mine. I came the next second.
It was a feeling of complete and utter bliss, it was like my brain had been wiped of every problem I'd ever had in my life. We fell back on the bed in a laying position, her still on top of me, and me still holding her tightly around me. I didn't want to exit her body. Because I knew me pulling out was synonymous with her leaving me – possibly forever.
I motioned to pull out anyway, but Bella stopped me.
“Let's stay like this for a little bit longer. Please, Jacob. I don't want to go just yet.” she inquired, pleading.
“You don't need to ask me twice.” I said in a husky voice
“I love you Jacob. Even if this never happens again, don't ever forget it did happen. Thank you for giving me this piece of you.” she added.
She lifted her face up from my neck to meet my eyes. She was holding back tears, I could tell. Her eyes were red and the corners of her mouth were turned downwards. I wanted her to see the glimmer in my dark eyes. I wanted her to be able to read my irises as I was internally screaming at her Bella, choose me forever.