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Perhaps the biggest blessing of being in a medically induced coma for years was not having to say goodbye to everyone I worked with, everyone I had ever known up to that point.
I have never been very good at goodbyes. Perhaps it is a mixture of not knowing what to say and not knowing how to be honest when it comes to my feelings, or perhaps it’s just a thing that humans do. Maybe none of us are actually good at goodbyes and we just fake like we are in an attempt to get closure and understand. I don’t know. It’s not something I ever have really thought about.
Once again, I have never been very good at goodbyes, so I rarely say them. With the children on Earth it was always a variant of “See you later!” to help calm their nerves on moving onto high school. When I last spoke to my parents, goodbyes were not exchanged. I don’t know if we knew it would be the last time we spoke, but life has a funny way of working out. No goodbyes then, just a soft “I’m sorry,” from me and a “We know,” from my parents.
Hell, even with my ex it wasn’t a goodbye. It was her telling me that I need to mature, that just because I teach kids doesn’t mean I have to act like one. Jokes on her, I found someone who is just as childish as I can be but is a thousand times smarter than perhaps I ever could be.
And looking back, even if I wasn’t fresh out of a coma when giving Ilyukhina and Yao their burials, I don’t know if I could do much better there. Would it have hurt more to have had those memories? Would I have reminisced? Or would I have done the same thing I did while giving them their eulogies and made it brief.
Perhaps it is a form of cowardice too. A means to escape. Goodbye feels so formal, so final. There’s always a chance that we’ll see one another again, right? At least on Earth, for as many people as there are, the world is so small.
The Eridians have the right idea. No verbal goodbyes, just a tune that comes from rubbing a claw against the ridges on one of their legs. A tune to carry with you for the rest of your days. I remember when Rocky taught me about it before we separated and I boarded the Hail Mary with plans of returning home before going back to save him - a decision I have never regretted. It led me to doing what I love with the people, well… Eridians, that I love. Rocky, Adrian, their children, and the rest of the Eridians I have met and befriended mean the world to me.
But everything must come to an end eventually, right? I know eventually that my time would come. I’ve lived a good, long life. Lived longer than I definitely thought I would be living when I woke up on the Hail Mary, that’s for sure.
I’ve been on Erid about thirty years at this point, and I know my time is coming. Mid-seventies usually wouldn’t be an issue on Earth considering I was a relatively healthy human, and even here I’m relatively healthy all things considered, but I have noticed that I’ve been slowing down lately. Tired.
Relatively healthy is nice, but I also have to consider the stress I had gone through aboard the Hail Mary, even before with being a part of the Petrovna Task Force. And once Rocky and I found the solution then came the trip back to Erid, accompanied with scurvy of course.
I never really thought about what I would do when it came to my death. While living on Erid. Rocky for obvious reasons wasn’t a fan of talking about it, but the future is always coming, the end is always within reach eventually. I don’t think I want my body sent back to Earth. There’s no one there alive who would care. My parents are dead at this point, Stratt… no. I will ask to remain here, but they cannot keep me in my dome forever. I would never ask them to do so, to waste resources on me when I’m not here to use them… but if they take me out the atmosphere will basically cremate me with enough time.
I’m deep in thought when I hear the hiss of the airlock, followed by the sound of a knock and then the door opening. Not Rocky then, it must be Adrian or another member of the team, though anymore it is just Adrian. Not that the other scientists aren’t curious, of course, but being an unofficial mate to Rocky, and therefore Adrian, just meant that Adrian stopped by more frequently. Plus, they understood English the best out of the team; and while I can do some Eridian in my natural range, my hands have started to ache when I need to get out the keyboard and have long conversations.
”Grace, you are awake?” I hear the tones and that one hundred percent confirms it is Adrian. Good, perhaps they can give me some insight on a topic.
“I’m awake,” I grunt out from my bed where I’m warm under the blankets. Not that the dome is cold by any means, but it is nice to take a moment.
“Are you sleeping in? I can leave.” Adrian is a bit more lenient on letting me sleep alone, even though at this point I’m used to having someone here. Anymore it’s odd to sleep alone, and usually Rocky is here four days a week when he can swing it.
The bed shifts a bit, and I can feel Adrian coming to rest beside me. There is a definite dip in the bed, and I raise a hand to rest gently on their EVA suit. The warmth is nice, but what makes me smile is the happy chirp they do before pushing up into my hand. I imitate a gentle rubbing motion on the leg where Rocky’s, and my own, names rest.
We’re quiet like that for a few second, just enjoying one another’s company when they break it. I think the silence makes them feel uncomfortable. We’ve bonded, we’re “mates” in the loosest sense of the term - I mean come on, I was there with all the hatchings. Their children called me Papa when younger! I took care of them to the best of my abilities - but part of me wonders if they are just not sure how to deal with silence from me like Rocky is.
“Grace is quiet. What are you thinking about? Please do not lie, I know you well enough.”
Ah. Well. There we go.
“How long is an average Eridian lifespan?” I ask.
“If you are concerned, Rocky has at least another three hundred years. I have about the same. Perhaps a few years less due to being older.”
“I am not concerned about you two… but that is reassuring. It is more about the fact that I do not have that long.”
There’s a sad chirp from Adrian at that followed by a nod, well, an approximation of a nod. “Is sad. You mentioned human life span is not as long as ours.”
“True. I have anywhere from today to twenty-five years left.”
”Not long at all.”
There’s silence again, followed by gentle tapping of the bed.
“What is an Eridian funeral like?” I ask. There haven’t been many since I have been back, and even though there have been a few that Adrian and Rocky mentioned needing to attend - enough that even Rocky could count on one claw - I haven’t gone.
“Is nice celebration of life. We tell stories, memories, dance in their honor. It is not a sad thing… usually. Death is just a fact of life for most of us. It is okay to feel some emotions during it, especially for a loved one like a mate, but otherwise it is just a celebration of their life.”
Hm. From what Adrian makes of it, it doesn’t sound all too different than what I experienced on Earth.
“What will happen when I die?” I didn’t mean to ask, but it just slipped out of me. Uh oh.
Adrian stands still at that, regarding me I imagine. I’ve gotten good at reading Eridian body language during my time here.
“This conversation should include Rocky. I will grab him. Please hold.”
They’re off before I can say anything and I groan. Though I know Adrian is right in getting Rocky involved, I had hoped that we could avoid that for as long as possible. He still has troubles with the idea of my death… not that I can really blame him with what he went through with his original crew and then having his ship consumed by the Taumeoba. It is understandable… doesn’t mean I want to worry him more though.
They’re gone long enough that I have enough time to get some tea, well… the equivalent of tea anyway, and grab an Eridian book before hearing the airlock hiss again and the scurry of two Eridians.
“Grace?! Why are you asking about death?! You are not wanting to die are you? Is the dome not to your liking anymore? Adrian can fix?” Rocky asks before launching himself onto my bed. It’s obvious how concerned and scared he is while using the EVA suit to look over what he can of me. Well, “look” over.
Adrian follows behind him with an apologetic hum. I know it’s not their fault, but this is going to be a hard conversation.
“Rocky,” I start before gently pulling my hand away from his claws. He’s so gentle with me that it makes my heart ache a bit. “I was just curious. I…”
I frown. How do I want to say this? I don’t want to hurt him, but I feel like whatever I say will do so anyway.
”You know that my lifespan is barely a sixth of yours. When we met, I had already lived at least half of the average lifespan of a human. My body went through a lot of stressors…”
Rocky has buried himself into my side at this, giving me a hug. It’s a rare thing, but it is nice. I can’t help the prickling feeling of tears in my eyes, and I try to take a steadying breath. It doesn’t work.
“I don’t want to die, Rocky. I am serious when I say that. I cannot imagine leaving you, Adrian, the Skittles-” ”I wish you didn’t call them that!” “Point is, I do not want to leave… but I know that eventually I’ll have to. I don’t know when it will be. It could be today, tomorrow, or another twenty years from now. I just… want a plan in place for when it happens.”
Rocky still hasn’t left my side, and Adrian is gently a circle using one of their claws on the top of Rocky’s carapace. It’s supposed to help soothe, but the way Rocky is holding onto me like he can prevent the inevitable lets me know it is not working.
”But I do not want to think of this. We saved stars, surely we can save you too. You are too loved to die. I love you, Adrian loves you. Erid loves you. Who will teach us about the Earth? Who will teach us about you when you are gone?”
Adrian gives a soft, ”Rocky…” at that and I can’t help but start to cry. It’s a different feeling this time at least, crying about the inevitable compared to when I was told I was going to be Hail Mary. Neither was a choice, but at least I have been actually happy in my life now on Erid.
“You have known me for so long, Rocky. I feel like if anyone can, it’s you. Besides, you’ve told everyone about me for decades. You’re just gonna stop when I’m dead? Doesn’t seem like the Rocky I know.”
He pushes his head into my side more and I wince. Ow. “Grace is being dumb. Of course I’ll tell everyone about you, but it is not the same.”
It’s quiet again after that, minus me sniffling every so often. It’s a melancholic silence, one that feels fragile, different then the ones I experienced growing up and trying not to start a fight when all I wanted was to be heard, but one that allowed me to be heard while the two Eridians have to process that they know the end is near.
Rather than letting them break the silence this time, I do it. It just tumbles out of me before I can stop it, “What if you use my body for science? It’s something people do on Earth sometimes, donating their body to science.”
Adrian perks up at that. ”Are you sure, Grace? It would be beneficial to us to better understand you, but I don’t want you to feel like you have to do that…”
“I am. I feel like it’s a pretty me thing to do, yeah? Self-sacrificial and all, sacrificing my body one last time to science?” It’s supposed to be lighthearted, but I can feel Rocky’s body trembling at that, and Adrian tilts their body away from me. No one seems to like the dig at myself.
It does feel like a pretty me way to go out though. Honestly, it would probably be what I would have done on Earth anyway. It’s not like I had a family that would have taken care of everything after I died, and while I appreciated the few friends I had before being sent into space, they wouldn’t have done much for me either. A funeral, perhaps, but it would have been a small event.
“It’d be my last gift to Erid,” I whisper, bending a bit to get a better look at Adrian and Rocky. “It’s not every day an alien arrives, lives a wonderful life with two of the greatest Eridians he knows, helps raise their family, teaches the youth of the planet, and then gives one last gift of how his body works.”
”If you are certain-” Adrian starts before getting cut off by Rocky. They give a slightly frustrated trill, but I think it’s more about wanting to know the logitstic of it than Rocky cutting them off.
”Grace must promise us to let us keep watch while sleeping now. What if you die like the rest of our crews? Asleep… I… I want to at least be there. If you die from anything besides your age I will never forgive myself.”
I nod, “I can do that bud, yeah. I don’t mind.”
And it’s true. I don’t mind. In truth, I would do anything in order to comfort Rocky and Adrian. No one likes thinking about death, but when it’s your best friend turned platonic mate who has PTSD around death, and his mate which therefore becomes your second platonic mate, and oh - don’t forget that you’re old - you cannot help but think about it.
So, for the rest of my days, I fall asleep to either Adrian, Rocky, or both, keeping watch of me.