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The thought of drowning on land had always seemed unfeasible to Ena, but now, as the earth crushed the air from their lungs and began the slow progress of suffocating them, they could say it could be achieved.
Why had they turned around to save Sae in the first place? She had been nothing but awful to them in recent years.
Was it some ploy to get good karma after everything was said and done? A mindless comfort? Just something they did to be able to say they tried?
What if they had indeed succeeded in saving the girl? Would Ena be right to suspect the worst and assume nothing would change?
Or would she be wrong for thinking one foolish decision could undo years of bullying and ignorance?
They should probably make their peace with the world now while they are conscious and calm.
It was surprising how calm they were, but that could have been adrenaline and the brain's final shutdown sequence speaking.
Encapsulated in the shifting mud and debris as they were, it was almost peaceful being surrounded by this much darkness.
It left them with their thoughts and the acceptance that no one would come to save them.
I just wanted to be loved for once.
What a romantic thought. Deluding themselves even as they were slowly crushed that they could be loved.
Maybe in a different universe…a different life if reincarnation exists.
Maybe in that world, I could have friends.
Unbidden, a faint image of a meek girl with bangs and braided hair flickered in their mind.
Would we be friends? If I were more approachable…
Would I be friends with people who share the same interests as I once had? Or would I strive to befriend a person who understands how to connect with others…
Person B would help fill in my shortcomings, implementing a learn-by-modeling behavior. But person A would fill my days with discussions on whatever captured their fancy that day…
In an ideal world, I could reconstruct myself into something more likeable too. I could do anything in an ideal world.
If Dad weren't such a heavy drinker, Mother would have no reason to leave us then… We could prove her wrong.
The ideas swirled inside their minds, their brains valiantly projecting their last 7 minutes of consciousness into something more enjoyable.
But…she was right about some things. Those were days I felt heavy and exhausted, as if the world were stuck in a fog…she was right.
Had I put in more effort, I could've understood sooner that there was a darkness to me that no other kids my age had.
That burdened feeling I would get each time I woke up in the morning…no other kid experienced that.
I was always the weird kid.
As it stands now, no one will notice if I disappear…
If reincarnation exists and my ideal world is actualized, I'll surround myself with people and love. I won't fade into the background or be the class loner. I'll have friends, and I'll feel all the things everyone else feels, like happiness upon waking and love!
The fervent swears and promises raced through their minds.
I'll have the kind of childhood every other kid had, and Dad will be happy too!
I won't be the person sitting in the back of a room hoping someday I'll quietly pass on…!
I'll live each day as if it's my last and enjoy every second!
They were feeling giddy now, a breathless wheeze that they confused as a laugh escaping them as their ribs were crushed.
Would Sae exist in my ideal world?
…she must be like me too. She must've realized the world is devoid of color like I did. She must've realized there was no saving this world, same as I once did!
She surrounds herself with so much love and friends…it must be how she copes with this realization.
Light triumphs over dark after all. Surrounding herself in light even as she has already realized the full extent of this dark world is her genius.
It's genius, and unlike them, who had chosen to stew in their own darkness, Sae chose to surround herself with light.
Creating a solution to the darkness she felt deep inside herself and stamping out the one who didn't.
You can only help those who want to be helped, after all.
They had faded into the background for years, cultivating their own darkness and adding fuel to the world's dark fate…
It made sense. No wonder they chased after Sae, even to their own detriment.
It was survival of the fittest. The natural progression of the world. All roads lead to death.
Their lip quirked up into a delirious smile even as their vision gave out and their brain shut down for good.
With this final moment, I'll bid farewell to this world and greet a new world with a smile. I'll make it every bit my ideal world and recreate the past with beautiful moments.
I'm actually…looking forward to meeting this new world…!
Ena tucked their head into their arms and curled up impossibly tighter on the couch.
The darkness of the night and the sound of rain served as a painful reminder of their death and their final thoughts.
Their muscles felt impossibly tight, and their back hurt from the strain of being compressed so tightly, but they didn't dare unwind themselves.
Not even for one second.
They had reached a tentative armistice with Sae, with the two cohabitating in a log cabin they called base with minimal interaction.
It wasn't the traditional armistice born from a wish to settle things peacefully but rather one from the resigned understanding that harming one another would achieve nothing.
How many cycles has it been? It can't be anymore than…
than…?
The previous cycle had ended with Kitano in tears, had it not? Or was it the past-past cycle?
No…she burst into tears when Touma yelled at her for… He had yelled at her for suggesting they visit the hospital one moment, and then in another, he yelled at her for thinking she could associate with them without repercussion.
…should probably get a reference sheet for these cycles.
They blinked harshly, struggling not to flinch as thunder [or had a tree cracked under its own weight?] Crackled too close and loud for comfort.
For whatever reason, the feeling of having forgotten something important had tears pricking at their eyes.
Ena did their best to quiet their sniffles, the combined silence and darkness of the room weighing down on them oppressively.
There's no reason to shed tears.
They scolded themselves internally, foolishly trying to reason with their own irrational emotions.
Tomorrow will be a new day. I'll wake up and begin this cycle's mission attempt and document what happens.
If I succeed in breaking the cyclicity of this world and allow for Kitano to move on, then my purpose as a cupid will be fulfilled.
Sae said my purpose as Cupid is to connect others and generate Karma—
They could hear someone moving in the darkness, and instinctively, ["Childishly," their mind whispered and betrayed them,] they pressed their arm against their eyes and feigned sleep.
Slowing their breaths down into an even rhythm even as their heart threatened to give them away.
The darkness inside of them had triggered Sae's uncanny transformation into her current form, and they couldn't bear to see her tortured state right now.
Stop hiding and face the consequences of your own actions.
Ena listened carefully to the silence of the room, taking in every ambient sound and the sound of the woods breathing just outside their door.
A scoff, and then Sae was retreating back to the far side of the house, as far away from the couch as she could be given the base's small size.
She has every right, you know?
They didn't remove their arm from their eyes, continuing to hide away from the rest of the world.
It was truly an awful night to remember their fantasy of recreating their past into the one they desired.
Being reincarnated as a cupid was more akin to a curse than anything else. It wasn't the hopeful beginning or ending they had longed for, but even then, it was somewhat comforting.
This was precisely what they deserved given their past actions and thoughts…
Sae had agreed as well, explicitly questioning why they would ever believe they could return as a human without repercussions.
[She had also questioned their sanity, implying them to be insane for believing this to be divine punishment. But if you asked them…she would be more inclined to agree given the current circumstances and happenings should Ena ask again.]
It was a fair punishment given the darkness of the world and their tainted souls.