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It was over. Everything Big Jimmy had gone through with the Mafia. All the burying and shooting, all the guns filled with lead bullets, all the violence and family drama. It was finally done.
But then why weren't things back to normal?
At first Big Jimmy thought it was because his mom was dead. She was a vicious dog trainer, and one of the most powerful people in his family, but even that didn't save her from ending up six feet under. Despite being a horrible person she was still his mother. Yes she tried to kill his dad, and probably would've killed him and Jonnie if required to by Albert, but still. He cared about her, even if she never cared about him. Even if she threw things at the back of his head and called him slow and stupid. Her death was still tragic to Jimmy, despite all of her failings and wrongdoings.
Time passed. He attended the funeral, watched as the polished wooden casket was slowly lowered into the ground. Slowly, his grief for her death ebbed away, until he finally accepted she was gone. But things didn't return to normal.
Then Big Jimmy thought it was his new job. Being a police officer was stressful, even more when his ability to navigate new situations and environments was downright horrible. The first week on the job, Jimmy lost half the paper documents, got yelled at by a reputable officer, and accidentally over brewed the coffee. Surely as soon as he settled in everything would return to the way it was.
More time passed. He learnt how the police station operated, and soon things were running quite smoothly at work. But still Jimmy found things were just not quite right.
It was only when he left his dad's house and rented an apartment with Jonnie that he found out why.
Ever since that day Jimmy had recovered in the hospital– no, ever since Jonnie had burst into his house and nearly shot Jimmy’s dad, Jonnie had closed himself off emotionally. The blonde still smiled, but it was always out of politeness. It never felt real. He was no longer the excitable boy Jimmy had known, bursting with ideas and raw with emotions. Instead he was quiet. A shell of what he had once been. A shadow where there had once been a man.
Jimmy wanted to ask him what was on his mind, but every time he thought about it, a part of him got nervous. Because Jimmy knew if they ever had a serious discussion, he would no longer be able to hold in the secret that was pressing on his heart.
The truth was, it was not only Jonnie who had a problem. Jimmy had one too—one which made his face turn pink and his heart start to beat faster than any rhythm. The problem was, Jimmy had recently been having certain feelings for his friend, and he had absolutely no clue how to address them.
He didn't want to take their friendship away. It was obvious something was off with Jonnie, and Jimmy wanted to be there for him. Jimmy knew that if he told him about all the thoughts he'd been having, all the restless nights filled with Jonnie's face, he would no longer be a safe place for him. No matter how much Jimmy felt the butterflies fluttering he wouldn't say a word, because he knew the last thing Jonnie needed was a safe place disappearing.
He would always still want him. Still love him. But (in Jimmy's opinion) sometimes friendship and safety were more important than the burning desire to confess.
The evening was warm, too warm for the end of autumn. On a typical day it would be cold, brown leaves rotting into the sidewalk as a chilling breeze swept through the streets. Today, however, the air was most definitely hotter, and despite the brown of the leaves the whole city felt a little happier.
The weather didn't really affect Jimmy, aside from the beautiful colors which he could see at sunset and the ten minute trip to work he took five days a week. Jimmy had just finished said trip, and had entered the apartment building only a few minutes ago.
Jimmy entered their shared home, closing the door behind him and letting out a sigh as his shoulders relaxed. It had been a long day, filled with stacks and stacks of reports and very annoying coworkers. Jimmy felt as though he had been travelling uphill with no breaks, and he suddenly had the urge to never interact with people again. The worst part about it was how little his job actually mattered. Instead of fighting crime in the secluded streets and alleys of New York, he had been going through and double-checking the endless paperwork required to do the crime fighting. It was a necessary task, but tedious nonetheless .
Jimmy collapsed onto the sofa, his back sinking deeply into the plush red cushions, and closed his eyes, silently cherishing the peaceful moment. It felt nice to finally have a break.
Unfortunately for Jimmy his break was shortly interrupted– though not necessarily in a bad way.
Despite living in an apartment with Jonnie for over a week, Big Jimmy was still not used to constantly being in the same room as him. This was a fact that Jimmy quickly remembered when Jonnie returned.
His friend entered the apartment quite loudly, door creaking, and footsteps heavy. Jimmy turned, a bit irritated at the sound. That irritation was quickly replaced by something else when he saw the blonde’s sparkling grey eyes.
Jimmy had never really understood when people compared their crushes to the land, or the sky or the sea. They were a person; what could be so special about that? But just then, looking into Jonnie's eyes as his heart stuttered out an error message and his brain failed to load, Jimmy understood. It wasn't that Jonnie's eyes were like the ocean– they were the ocean. And how Jimmy would love to swim in those eyes.
If Jimmy had to count the times he had struggled to tear his eyes away from Jonnie, he wouldn't be able to, because he wasn't very good at keeping track of those things. Now, however, was most certainly one of those times.
Not to mention the way Jonnie's hair caught the light. It was perfect. Golden locks that looked so smooth and silky and made Jimmy want to run his hands through them dozens of times, to twist them gently around his fingers–
Jimmy turned his head away, a light flush of heat blooming under his skin as he realised he'd probably been staring.
“So, how was finishing up the job?” Jimmy said awkwardly, attempting to salvage what remained of his focus.
“I could've done better,” Jonnie responded, taking off his jacket. He either didn't notice or was deliberately choosing to ignore how flustered Jimmy was acting. Jimmy frowned as his brain processed what Jonnie said. It seemed to him that Jonnie was always saying stuff like that.
After hearing no response, Jonnie turned towards Jimmy, grabbing a black hoodie from the coat hanger and slipping it over his head.
“Hey, at least I didn't get us into the Mafia again,” Jonnie continued in a playful tone, obviously trying to lighten the mood.
“I think we should talk about that,” Jimmy said, looking at Jonnie as he concern grew. He knew there was something wrong here, but he couldn't put his finger on it. “You really shouldn't make those kinds of jokes, you know?”
Now it was Jonnie's turn to frown. “What are you fucking talking about Big Jimmy?”
Jonnie sat down next to him, his arms resting on the back of the couch as he scowled disapprovingly.
“Well.. I.. you know,” Jimmy stumbled, pursing his eyebrows together and struggling to find the correct words as he looked at the handsome blonde. “It's just, I... care about you, and seeing you do this stuff to yourself hurts, even if you are just joking.”
Jonnie paused, and for a moment Jimmy could've sworn an expression of vulnerability flashed across his face. Only a millisecond later it was replaced by Jonnie's usual guarded look, and Jimmy knew it was probably just a figment of his imagination.
“I’m just stating what is true,” Jonnie muttered, breaking eye contact with Jimmy and getting up. He began to head to his room, his footsteps echoing in the suddenly silent apartment.
So that's just it then, Jimmy thought numbly. An argument, done just like that. Not even five minutes long.
Except it wasn't done, because Jimmy found himself standing up and walking over to Jonnie, who was about to enter his room.
What am I doing?
Jimmy placed his hand on the blonde's shoulder, stopping him in his tracks. Jonnie tensed up, a white-knuckled hand gripping the smooth silver doorknob.
“Look Jonnie, I–” Jimmy felt a lump form in his throat as he finished gently turning Jonnie around by the shoulder. He was beautiful, taking all the words out of Jimmy's mouth in an instant. But he was also hurting, which broke Jimmy's heart in two.
The smaller man's eyes were locked on the ground, his face turned downwards and his body frozen and rigid like an ice statue. He didn't look up at Jimmy, just continued to glare at the ground blankly. Jimmy studied his face, the way his lips were pressed into a tight line and his eyes reminiscent of a stormy day.
“Look, could you just look at me?” Jimmy pleaded, grasping Jonnie's small hands in his own. “It's just me. Big Jimmy, your.. your best friend.”
A flash of strong emotion crossed Jonnie's face, so powerful and raw it almost made Jimmy step back.
“Jonnie, please. Just be honest. You can tell me if you're not ok,” Jimmy reiterated, resisting the urge to pull the beautiful man closer and brush a strand of loose hair out of his face. He didn't understand why Jonnie wouldn't share his problems with him. Jimmy started to subconsciously move his hand to Jonnie's face before catching himself. It seemed as if the blonde could use space.
Jimmy tried to pull away, intending on giving him that space, but before he could unclasp his fingers from Jonnie's hands he felt them twist, grabbing even tighter. A familiar flush once again spread across Jimmy's face, this time moving down to his neck as he struggled to come up with something meaningful and thoughtful to say.
Before he could do anything Jonnie's head snapped up, meeting his gaze.
Jimmy’s mouth ran dry. He was suddenly very aware of how close they were in proximity. Not just close. He was literally holding Jonnie's hands. He blinked, trying to snap out of it. He needed to focus on his friend above all things, then he could deal with his crush.
Jonnie cleared his throat, opening his mouth a few times to try and form words. Jimmy watched him, still holding his hands. Take your time. He thought, looking at that beautiful face.
“I-” he started hoarsely, and coughed, attempting to clear his throat once more.
Something shifted in the blonde's expression.
“I’m fine.”
Jonnie turned back towards the door, his face stony.
“No you’re not!” Jimmy shouted, before clapping a hand over his mouth in surprise at what he had done. Jonnie once again stopped in his tracks, this time an expression of shock overriding the emotion that was previously on his face.
Jimmy never shouted, not during any of their previous spats, not even when Jonnie had attacked him and almost killed his father. Today, however, was different. He could feel the pressure building up between him and Jonnie. Whatever Jonnie was hiding, what he himself was keeping secret. It was all about to erupt.
“Please, just tell me what's wrong,” Jimmy whispered, once again grabbing his hand. He felt Jonnie's hand go limp in his grasp, and before he knew it he was being pulled into a tight hug.
Jonnie hands grabbed the back of his soft shirt, his head burying into Jimmy’s neck. He shook in Jimmy's grasp, sobs shaking his suddenly frail body, yet no tears fell from his eyes. Jimmy held him gently, not wanting to crush him but still wanting to provide him comfort.
“Please.” Jimmy reiterated quietly, holding his friend in his big arms.
“I-I’m sorry,” Jonnie said, shaking like a leaf in a strong breeze. Jimmy continued to hold on to him, confusion beginning to cloud his mind. He moved them over to Jonnie's bed, sitting down gently with the smaller sitting in his lap.
“What are you sorry for?” Jimmy asked tenderly, and Jonnie lifted his head up, his eyes pools of guilt as he began to speak.
“I– I dragged you into this, and… and I'm sorry.” Jonnie turned his head down, studying at his nails. He had always had a habit of biting them, but recently it had been getting worse.
“I just wanted us to be– well– I– I convinced you to do this, and I hurt you, and I attacked you, and I was going to kill your dad, and–”
Jonnie broke off, covering his face with his hands. Jimmy rubbed his back, fingers falling along Jonnie's spine.
“Jonnie, even if you did attack me, we all make mistakes sometimes. You didn't convince me to do anything," Jimmy said, attempting to make eye contact with him.
Jonnie looked at him, a mixture of confusion and bewilderment expressed on his face. “ What are you talking about Big Jimmy? I did convince you! I'm the whole reason we joined the Mafia!” Jonnie said, his voice picking up volume.
“If it wasn't for me and my stupid dream of–” Jonnie once again came to a harsh stop, his expression unreadable. Jonnie pushed himself off of the bed and out of Jimmy's embrace, beginning to pace back and forth frantically.
“It isn't true,” Jimmy insisted, watching as his friend worked himself up. “What dream are you even talking about?”
“Alright, fuck this,” Jonnie muttered to himself, so quiet that Jimmy almost missed it. Jonnie paused, turning towards him, his eyes closed as if he was about to make a horrible confession.
“I love you Big Jimmy, alright?” Jonnie said, opening his eyes and letting them fall to the floor. Jimmy felt his blood freeze in his veins.
“I– I've loved you for years now, and I never really knew how to say it. And then with the whole Mafia thing, and I thought maybe with enough money we could get away– I could get away from my shitty life, and then maybe tell you, and– I know you don't love me back, and I know I need to stop pretending.”
Jimmy felt as if his entire world had just been turned upside down. He gaped at Jonnie, his body refusing to work. Jonnie continued to look at the ground, his face blank. Jimmy blinked, trying to process everything. Jonnie loved him. He, who was always so clumsy and clueless. He, with the messed up family. Out of all people, Jonnie loved him.
Jimmy got up, the floorboards creaking underneath him. He walked over to the silent man, standing in front of him before placing one hand on lightly his shoulder and using the other to cup Jonnie's face. He tilted the blonde's head up slowly, until their eyes met, brown meeting grey-blue. Jonnie's eyes were beautiful, yet filled with so much pain.
“I love you too,” Jimmy whispered softly, his thumb moving over Jonnie's cheekbone as he let a smile appear on his face. Jonnie's eyes widened, a white rim forming around his silvery irises. He opened his mouth and closed it, no words coming out.
Jimmy let his gaze fall to Jonnie's lips, pink and soft. He looked back up at Jonnie, who's expression reflected exactly how Jimmy felt. Jimmy tilted his head slightly, pondering what he was going to say before finally deciding.
“Can I kiss you?” Jimmy asked out, looking once more into those grey pools. They truly were beautiful. Jonnie truly was beautiful.
Jonnie looked back at him, a slight smile curling the edges of his mouth. He nodded slowly, as if savouring every moment of it, and Jimmy leaned in.
Their lips pressed together, and fireworks exploded in Jimmy's mind. Jonnie's lips were smooth and soft, tasting both sweet and salty, everything Jimmy thought they would be. The kiss itself was everything Jimmy thought it would be. A blaze grew in Jimmy's soul, strong enough to burn the building down, and he lifted his hand to the back of Jonnie's head, taking out the hair tie and curling his fingers through Jonnie's silky hair.
Jimmy let his left hand fall to Jonnie's waist, his right going behind his back and casually pushing them closer together. The heat inside his soul grew, and Jimmy began to gently walk forwards, the flame threatening to engulf the both of them.
He did not get very far, because Jonnie had other plans, pushing back harder, his lips slamming into Jimmy's with such passion it made the room feel like it was alive. Before long Jimmy's back was pressed against the wall, Jonnie kissing him for all he was worth.
Jonnie's hand moved up to Jimmy's head, twisting his brown hair around his fingers. He broke away for a brief second, making Jimmy automatically lean forwards in an attempt to continue.
“You don't know how long I've been wanting to do this,” Jonnie said breathlessly, his loose hair falling around his shoulders. Jimmy leaned forwards further, and Jonnie obliged, once again catching his lips and letting them fall back together.
Jonnie's grip on Jimmy's hair tightened, and he deepened the kiss, pushing Jimmy against the wall tightly but not painfully. Jimmy let out a noise of surprise, and Jonnie took the chance to slide his tongue into Jimmy's mouth. It was warm, slowly exploring like a cave diver entering a cave for the first time. A tremor ran through Jimmy's body, reaching deep into his soul, and he pressed closer to him, once again pushing them together using the hand that lay on Jonnie's back.
The world could've been on fire, orange and red destroying the city and licking the evening sky, and Jimmy barely wouldn't have noticed. His world was already on fire. Where Jonnie's lips met his, where Jonnie's hands curled in his hair and around his waist, every single place they were pressed together was on fire, and Jimmy loved it.
They fell into a rhythm, slowing down ever so slightly. It was still passionate, but it was a quiet sort of passion, the kind that can be found in the steadiness of ocean waves. Jonnie's lips continued to press against Jimmy's, his tongue still roaming around his mouth. Jonnie's hand began to play with Jimmy's hair, wrapping and unwrapping it around his fingers. Jimmy ran his finger down Jonnie's spine, a feeling of greater satisfaction flooding him as Jonnie relaxed into his touch.
How long they stayed together, Jimmy didn't know. All he could feel was the press of Jonnie against him, the heat of his body, the heat of passion. Time seemed to move both slow and fast, twisting and warping around the two of them.
Eventually Jimmy opened his eyes, and Jonnie's face was somehow even more beautiful than it was before. His ruffled blond hair, catching the light. His smattering of light freckles, reminiscent of the stars in the sky. His eyes, making Jimmy's heart thump even quicker.
When they separated from each other, it was quick, too quick in Jimmy's opinion. He could've stayed there forever, Jonnie's body against his. But alas, both men were exhausted, and both realised it was best to pause in their passion-filled endeavour.
They pulled apart roughly, each breathing heavily, and Jonnie staggered over to his bed, crashing down on it as air returned to both of their lungs. Jimmy touched his lips lightly with his fingers. They had really just done that. He had really just kissed Jonnie. He stood like that for a few minutes, his brain repeating the same sentence. He had kissed Jonnie. Jonnie, who he loved, Jonnie, who was hurting, Jonnie, his friend. He had kissed Jonnie. Jonnie Jonnie Jonnie.
Eventually, Jimmy broke out of his trance, pushing away from the wall. He lifted a hand to his head, quickly tousling his hair back in place. Jimmy looked over at the bed, where he last saw his lover. Jonnie was still there, but instead of sitting up he was lying down, drifting off to sleep. The blonde was curled up on top of the white blankets, his hair a mess on the pillow. Jimmy himself felt a wave of exhaustion overtake him, making him sway. The kiss was the most amazing thing Jimmy had ever experienced, but it was clear they had both had a long day, especially Jonnie.
Jimmy walked over to Jonnie's bed and grabbed the covers from underneath him, stealthily trying to lay them on top of the sleeping man. He pulled them out quietly, letting the sheets fall over Jonnie's prone body. He hesitantly lifted his hand across Jonnie's face, lightly brushing the blond locks away from his eyes. He thought he had succeeded in not waking Jonnie, and was beginning to move away when a hand grabbed his own, sending vibrations up his arm.
Jimmy looked down, and was once again met with Jonnie's grey eyes, this time pleading.
“Don't go,” Jonnie said raspily, his grip tightening around Jimmy's fingers. “Please.”
“Alright." Jimmy smiled, turning back to the bed. Jonnie looked at him, giving him a slight smile back before once again closing his eyes. The light from the bedside lamp shone off of his hair, making it turn a golden hue. Jimmy sat down next to him, the bed creaking under his weight, and Jonnie moved over, giving him room to lie down.
Jimmy got in bed, turning off the light with a quick flick of his hand. They lay next to each other for a while. Jonnie's presence was settling, almost peaceful. After a few minutes Jimmy decided to wrap an arm around him, and Jonnie automatically tucked in, his quiet snores going into the sleeve of Jimmy's shirt.
In the darkness, Jimmy smiled to himself. Maybe he and Jonnie could be at peace. Maybe Jonnie would stop feeling so guilty. And maybe, Jimmy thought, beginning to drift off to sleep, just maybe things could return to normal.