Chapter Text
It's Father's Day in Raccoon City! :D
Wesker woke up in his favorite pajamas, a nightgown with the umbrella logo covering it head to toe. But unfortunately today would not be spent with the whole family since Mr. Albert is going through a nasty divorce with his ex. Vee Version 1 wakes him up “Hey papa! Wake your ass up!! It's Father's Day!? Me, Zeno and Jake made you breakfast! And Aunt Miss Alex Wesker is coming over with Teagan!”
Wesker looked annoyed, he wanted to go and have a nice day experimenting on random's and idk killing everyone as he does. But Albert picked up on something burning in the air.. what the fuck was happening in the kitchen in the Wesker family house™. Down in the kitchen zeno(I don't know what his personality is i haven't seen 9 yet) and Jake were burning the apple fritter pie for their papa. :(.
Jake looks at Zeno and scream “WHATS ACTUALLY YOUR FUCKING ISSUE MAN?? LIKE DEADASS?? WHY WOULD *YOU* SUGGEST TO MAKE SUCH A STUPID MEAL”
Zeno looks nonchalant as he holds 2 apples looking at Jake “Well well.. looks like we're in a bit of an apple.” Jake looks at him deadass in his face “what?” Says Jake “What?” Says Zeno
Suddenly vee comes downstairs holding a fire hydrant and puts the apple out. She looks confused at the two “Dudes. Papa is going to be down in a minute but currently he's mourning the loss of his relationship with.. oh you know”
“Oh right” says Zeno “Dude” says Jake. In a quick haste, vee and Zeno and Jake quickly whip up apple pie for their father for Father's Day, suddenly the oven dings and a nice appe pie comes out. Wesker finally makes it down the stairs, mascara marks still on his eyes from crying after mourning his divorce with.. oh you know who it is wink wink YOU know.
Wesker looks at the pie and back at his 3 yes 3 lovely children
With his rbf he says so calmly “You all know I hate apples.. right?” Zeno Vee and Jake all go “oh, oh no we didn't”
“well i guess you could really say we're in a bit of an apple now” says Zeno
Jake proceeds to hit him over the head with a frying pan. Knocking him out cold. Then suddenly a doorbell ring is heard! That must be miss Aunt Miss Alex Wesker at the door!
Vee hurried over to open the door but.. it was not their Aunt Miss Alex Wesker at the door..
William birkin was standing at the door peeking around “Hey vee is your da-” vee slams it in his face. This is not good because he probably just found out about the divorce wuh woh he probably wants to shoot his shot!
“Lemme me hit!!!!!!” William shouts at the door before vee hits him with the “YOU HAVE A WIFE AND KID YA DUMB FUCK”
William sighs and goes home. He has to make another plan ig or sum
But then another doorbell is heard. A nicer sounding one for the better blonde person. Vee opens the door and there she is Aunt Miss Alex Wesker aunt!
“hi auntie Alex miss Wesker!” Says vee hugging her as teagan walked around her to sit on the Wesker family house™ €ouch
“hello my little vee. How have you been?” Says Alex picking her up and walking over to the kitchen “Why does it smell applyily here?” Says she.
“We in a bit of an apple” Zeno says before Jake proceeds to hit him with the toaster.
Vee smiles warmly. Knowing her brothers are morons but her favorite (and only aunt because of the divorce with.. oh you know happened (you know.))((you have to know(you gotta)))
“Oh I'm so happy you're here auntie Alex miss Wesker you have to help dad. He's really sad after the divorce!!!!! with.. well.. you know.” :(((
Alex sighs as she looks over at wesker. He has the same face he's always been making. That's how she knows how upset her brother is. “Oh my.. you're right! This is horrible.. on Father's Day too? Did you even make the apple pie?”
“An apple.” Zeno.
“What. he hates apple pies?” says vee looking at her aunt. With. A sad. Expression.
“Didn't you know? Jake's first word was apple, so to celebrate father's day he always has apple pie! :D” Alex Alex says.
“How did you say that out loud” says
“OHHHHHH!!!!!!! THAT'S SO COOL! I DIDNTNKNOW MY OLDER BROTHERS FIRST word WAS APPLE!” vee explaims with excitement, serving the apple pie with a pie in her hand to Alex
After the nice meal. Wesker was sulking still with a photo of his old lover in his hand.. oh how nice he looked while holding that low polygon fish.. the memories.. low polygon fih memroys
“Oh my my fishy.. why didn't you come see my hook instead..?” he says stroking💔💔💔 his image of his fish💔💔💔 photo
Alex and the children sigh. Not Teagan though she wanted to spend the day at the umbrella lab or something idk she was just playing games on her games
“What do we do? He's so actually fucking depressed??” jake says holding another utensil in case of emergency
“He's.. in a bit of an.. ap-” Zeno says before looking at Jake holding up his utensil then Zeno slowly closes his mouth before looking away “sigh fahgettaboutit..” Zeno slowly bites an.. bapple before shutting up for at least a couple more bullshitting sentences.
We cut over to the other family.. they're having such a lovely Father's Day. Gourdy is making his papa a candy pie for his father's day birthday Halloween event.
He walks into the room, looking at his dad sobbing holding a photo of oh idunno take a guess..
“dad I made you some candy pie! You're favorite! I don't know why but your trash also smells like it sometimes too!”
He looks up at his dad. I forgot his name right now so you're not gonna get it but context clues here people
“thanks kiddo.. man I wish I had someone to share this with.. the guy sighs sighingly as he pretended to eat the pie but making a chewing motion but not eating it. Like everyone does when their kid cooks for them.
“was it good?” Gourdy says excitedly watching his dad eating the pie.
“faaaannntassssiiccc….! I ain't never had nothing like this before… can you grab your dad his phone from the other side of the house?” Gourdy nods as he runs into the hall as chr I mean dad guy person throwing the “pie” quickly into the trash, not wanting to hurt his kids feelings he also threw the pie into the trash while covering it up with other miscellaneous trashesque items.
“Ok dad im- woah you ate that whole pie youreself?? Was it good?”
“yes son. It was good.. how about we go over to auntie miss Aunt Claire's redfield today huh?”
“oh my god! Yes I am so exited to go!! Let's go now!” Gourdy explaims, wagging his little tail.
Chris gets into the car buckling gourdy into the car before sitting in the front seat calling up jill while he drives, if you didn't know this by now he's calling Jill because Jill is awesome. TRUE FACTOID
“hey Jill.. I'm in kinda an apple…-”
“Chris nobody fucking says that what is wrong with you.” Jill says through the phone that he is calling her on by the way if you didnt know and also she's awesome btw (I agree!)
“ok. Whatever man. You're just mad you get no apples.” Says the man who we cannot name because it's a secret ;) TOP SECRET…n!!!!!
“Dude. You're literally going through a sloppy divorce who do you think you are?” Jill says
“Sorry.” Chris says apologijinglyingly
Gourdy is watching SpongeBob in the back because Chris I mean guy has a cool car with a TV in it where Gordy watches SpongeBob
“I just want gourdy to have a good time at Claire's today. He doesn't even know he hasn't seen his other dad” wink wink “In around 20 years. I hope he is doing ok.. he's only 5 he doesn't know he won't see his other dad in a long time.. these Residents have really been evil to him lately.. they're bullying him for being a pumpkin.”
“They bully him first his huge ass head bro nobody cares he's a pumpkin” Jill says in kind way because she is kind btw I'm telling you this in full confidence she is so fucking kind.
Chris throws his phone out the window “god damnit.. that was the 6th or 7th phone this month.. gourdy.. how about we get ourselves out of this apple and..” before he could say anything he suddenly felt a kitchen appliance hit his car.
“What the fuck?” Says Chris looking at the thing that his his car. Pulling over and looking at the appliance. Looking around. Nothing really happening in raccoon city rn ig kinda lame.. would be cool ig if there was zombies around somewhere (imagine that lmao nobwayyyy(nobway??😭😭)). He looked at gourdy noticing he didn't bring any kitchen stuff with him.. where did this thing come from?” he glanced around before quietly whispering “We.. are in a bit of an apple..?” Before grabbing gourdy out of the car before a dishwasher flies out of nowhere and crushed their car.
“What” says Chris I mean this guy and gourdy at the same time mind you.
Chris is actually in a shock right now.. some could say he's in a.. bit of an apple?” Ow who threw that spatula at me ouchie owie
L lol
Chris comes up with an idea.. he kept talking about being in a bit of an apple. Before being at the doorstep at.. wesker family house ™
He actually groaned like actually ((he actually did that by the way))
He knocks on the door mad. But mad yeah he's just mad he lost his car and his SpongeBob like?? (Rip the Bob 🕊️)
He knocks on the door holding gourdy like a burrito
Zeno answers the door and gasps while bursting into tears like the grown ass man he is yeah fully grown 1 year old over here brah
Still haven't played re9 yet btw 😭⤴️⤵️
I got spoiled by Twitter artists and riktok edits I know nothing
The door was swiftly closed on his face before it got reopened by Auntie miss Alex aunt Wesker
“Hey-” he says before getting hit over the head being knocked out with the pure strength of Alex Wesker
Chris is pretty strong when it comes to punching boulders and various other rock-type objects but Alex is unfortunately not a rock so he is actually fucked rn.
Dude got pummeled by a woman that's nuts (🥜)
When he is awoken. Gourdy is playing on tegans games with Teagan
And Chris was tied up?? Idk I'm running out of apple puns (apple 🍏 🍎 runs this fic cuh)
Alex has him in a closet wink (because he's gay) wink so wesker albert doesn't find him because she wants him to be over him because divorce reason?
Zeno is still distraught but Alex paid him off with a robux gift card so he wouldn't tell Wesker, I think he spent it all on Steal a Brianrot and Blade ball spins 🤑🤑🤑🤑
Albert comes
Down the stairs after getting changed and spots gourdy on the couch(™) and is confused.
“Alex. When did gourdy get here? Isn't he supposed to have full custody with chris”
Alex stands up and smiles. Looking at her brother with happy joy in her bright fucking yellow btw eyes.
“Actually! Chris gave YOU full custody of him! Yippe horray!” she says so very jollyily and happy-go-luckylike
Wesker smirks. Finally he's winning this custody battle.
Vee gets up from the also couch(√) where everyone else is. “i forgot the veemote in the closet.”
She says opening the conveniently closet that doesn't have Chris in it because she went straight
Alex sighed so fucking loudly brah she thought she was bouta get caught, luckily everyone is stupid and nobody noticed anything yippee yay woohoo.
“dad have you seen my gay flag?” Says zeno having just finished playing am I gay test on Roblox. (He got a 100% btw)
“you dont have a gay flag Zeno. You arent gay”
Says Alex
But little did she know.. he was because the Roblox game said so (that's legit btw it works like that).
Jake groans as he goes up to the gay closet to get his brother the gay flag. But when he opens it and sees Chris. He looks around confused before looking at everyone “Uhm, why is our gay closet gayer than it usually is?”
Alex closes it slowly “you're seeing things close the closet kiddo”
“why is Chris in the closet?” Says Jake
The whole family heard it and perked up at the name
“Who?” They all say in unison
Now imagine if this were a cliffhanger, let that sink in for a second before continuing. It was almost reality.
“Yo” says the sink
Son
ANYWAY
“Yo” says the guy who we do not know the name of btw
JUST SAY CHRIS
Albert wesker stands up “Were supposed to be divorced.”
Oh he wanted that fishy on his hook sorry I'll stop, no never stop.
Chris was tied up so he couldn't stand this.
“I know but you're (yor’ue*) sister kinda tied me up so I'm kinda stuck here (Homestuck)
(Die?)
“Happy Father's Day?” Chris says smiling at Wesker smilingly
Wesker (Albert) groans as he walked into the closet untying Chris and closing the door for plot reasons(👀👀👀👂)
The closet was sound proof or something they're arguing in there (like always)
7 minutes in the closet they say
Nobody says that
I do. Sometimes
My bad cuh
Yeah. You're bad. Oh sorry your*
😔💔
Sorry man
At the end of the day chrisker happens once more and they had a happy end until they divorced again sometime soon idk I'm not writing all that again
Jake yeah he did something important somehow.. apples truly are wonderful
Zeno did spend all of Wesker (Ablert)’s money on Robux so he could get the best kagune on Ro-Ghould and make his mega neon vampire dragon ridable on Adopt Me
Vee
And alex went on to start res evil revolations 2 and they all lived happily ever after (except Natalia)
Gourdy still got a big ass head
And he is 5
Always 5
The end.. isnt it beautiful? Part 2 coming when we get two kudos
It us so beautiful we are the best writers
We spent 1-2 hours on this btw
I showed my cat this fanfic and she doesn't know how to read.
👂
Who is blud? ↩️⤴️
“A bit of a. Apple”
HE HELD TWO APPLE.
I hold his aple