Work Text:
Driving practice
Today is the day The Eltingville Club makes their great escapade to Toys R Us! Pete has just received his permit, and the gang is going across town.
Pete grabs his mom’s keys from her purse, she was passed out on the couch with some trashy TV playing, he closes the door quietly to his home and turns his mom’s old truck on. Now begins his journey to Josh’s house, where the rest of The Eltingville Club is waiting.
He pulls up to the home, the gang sitting on Josh’s porch chatting it up. Bill’s got a huge scowl, Jerry and Josh are laughing and smiling.
Pete rolls down the window.
“Sup guys! Hop in, we’ve got about 5 hours till my ‘ma wakes up!” Pete yells out, gesturing for the others to come over.
The others make their way into the beat up truck, Bill in shotgun, Josh behind him, and Jerry on the left.
“Now guys, not a scratch on this thing alright? I’m not supposed to be out, my mom’s been a bitch lately about my grades.” Pete warns.
“Not like she’d notice, this thing looks like it’s been through a tornado. That on top of all the drugs she takes.” Bill remarked.
“Oh shut it, it’s way less than the amount of wine your mom drinks in an hour.” Pete said. “I’m doing us a favor, least you could do is be appreciative of MY efforts you bum.”
“You guys! Daylight’s burning! Let’s get a move on!” Jerry shouted.
“Agreed. Let’s save this for Saturday.” Josh chimes in.
“Alright men, now marks the beginning of our great adventure! Eltingville club, GO!”
Pete begins to drive, swerving erratically to mess with Jerry, who was shaking and holding onto his seat as Pete laughed maniacally at the fear in his eyes.
“Lock your doors guys, we’re swinging by downtown Eltingville…” Josh warns.
A few minutes in, Jerry starts to get nauseous. His face turned green and he began to sweat profusely.
A prostitute stood by the light, dressed in fishnet stockings, pink pleaser heels, and a black dress. Not leaving much to the imagination eh?
“Hey, look at that whore by the light!” Bill giggles and points. “You’re gonna have to stop right next to that ugly chick! She’s gonna be right infront of you ‘Jer!”
Pete pulls up to the light, stopping in-front of the busy streets.
HRRRK!!!
Jerry opened his door and puked on the whore’s heels, letting out his breakfast.
“What the fuck!!!” She screamed. “Those are my money-makers you GEEK!”
“I’m really sorry ma’am! I really didn’t mean to!” He apologized profusely, shaking his head and avoiding eye contact.
Jerry quickly closed the door and tried to get Pete to drive off, but the oncoming traffic stopped him. The woman stomped over in her puke covered shoes, and punched off the left mirror on Pete’s side of the car.
“You ugly bitch! This is my mom’s car!” Pete yelled.
“Not my problem, Unibrow!”
The light turned green and the car behind him honked. No choice but to get a move on! He’ll blame it on a homeless guy when his mom finds out.
A few minutes later, Jerry’s stomach begins to rumble. He looks around and sees a Burger King in the corner of his eye.
“Guys, could we maybe stop to get some food? I heard that Burger King still has Superman toys.” Jerry asked, clutching his stomach.
“Yeah if Pete’s willing to, I’m down for it!” Josh happily replied.
“Of course you’re happy, porky.” Bill joked. “I’m down to go if you three are.”
“Burger King it is.” Pete said while pulling into a parking space.
They all ordered and ate their food, looking through the boxes to find the toy that comes with each kids meal.
“Shrek? Are you kidding me?!!” Bill screamed. He was gonna kill the workers behind the counter. Did they even LOOK at his Superman shirt?
Bill stormed up to the counter, cutting off a mother and her son who were speaking with the kind cashier.
“Hey you!” He screamed at the cashier. “Do I LOOK like I want one of these dumb Shrek toys?!” He pointed to his shirt, face turning tomato red with anger.
As he was screaming, the annoyed cashier handed a Superman toy to the child waiting for his kids meal.
“Last one kid, enjoy it.” The worker smiled at the child.
That was the last straw for Bill. He knew he had to do something about his predicament, these aren’t just toys for dumb snobby children to play with! These are limited edition products that likely will be worth something! He knew he couldn’t just let this happen, he had to do something about it. But what could he do?
Bill thought for a moment before an evil thought came into his mind.
“Steal it.” The devil on his shoulder said to him.
“But isn’t that rude? That mother looks tired already, you’ll get it next time Bill!” His angel chimed in.
He swatted the angel away, smirking and laughing maniacally with the devil.
“It’s decided! I’ll do it alright?” He whispered in its ear.
Bill waited for the child to be alone. Mom left to go use the restroom, and the time looked perfect for him to strike.
He walked over and began chatting with the child, brightly smiling and speaking in a soft manner.
“Hey there bud! How’s your meal?” He asked, looking at him with joy. A pure veneer to the evil chud that lurks inside.
The child ignored him, continuing to eat his fries.
“Come on you little brat, you’re not giving me a lot to work with here!” Bill said. “How much you want? I’ll give ya 6 bucks.”
As he was trying to convince the child, his mother leaves the restroom and spots him.
“GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM MY CHILD YOU WEIRDO!” She screamed, pushing Bill away and holding her kid.
“Why don’t you pay attention to your bratty kid?” Bill snarled.
She smacked him upside the head and left with her kid (and the toy.)
“Fuck! This is so stupid! Nothing ever works out in my favor, why god, WHYY!!” He wails, dropping to his knees in anger.
After a few minutes of whining, the worker kicks him and his friends out.
“Dumb bitch, not like I cared about the dumb toy anyway…” Bill complained.
“Seemed like you cared to me.” Josh laughed. “With all that whining, you probably should’ve taken that brats binky!”
“Don’t engage, Josh is fat anyway.” Pete said.
They load into the car, Bill still visibly upset. The show must go on though, right?
After a few minutes of driving, the argument begins once more.
“I’m not a baby by the way, if anything YOU’RE the baby! Such a mamas boy!” Bill instigated.
“At least my mother cares about me, you failed abortion!” Josh strikes back.
This ticked Bill off to another level. He grabbed Josh by the ears, smacking his face into the console of the old car.
They fight for a few minutes, with Jerry trying to stop it and Pete trying to see in-front of him.
“Move out of the way Bill! You’re blocking my view!” Pete screamed, trying to shove him back into place.
“Don’t touch me you stupid fuck!” Bill screams, smacking his head into the wheel.
As Bill smacks his head into the wheel, Pete loses control and crashes into a pole.
Dead silence.
After a few minutes, the members come out of the car, scratched up but not injured.
A cop car comes and pulls over.
“You can’t park there!” He said, laughing and driving away.
Stupid pig…
“My mom’s gonna kill me!” Pete screams, passing out on the ground.
The mother and her child from Burger King walk by the scene, giggling.
“Is this the end of The Eltingville Club?