Archive of Our Own

*********

“Um, what?” Rodney blinked several times and forced his brain back into the real world.

Sheppard frowned – a look that he’d worn a lot lately. “Mission. Tomorrow. Briefing is at o-eight hundred.”

“And you’re telling me this why?” Rodney resisted the lure of his laptop and stared into Sheppard’s eyes. They were shifting about as if he were nervous.

“We need food. We trade for food. You’re on my team. We go.” Sheppard was almost grinding his teeth as he played the Neanderthal.

Rodney raised his eyebrows.  Surely he was hallucinating. “Are you going to grunt and throw a spear at me now?”

“I might!” Sheppard was clearly out of patience. “Eight! Be there!” He stormed out, and Rodney glanced over at Zelenka.

“I think he intends for you to go.” Zelenka frowned. “It makes little sense.”

It didn’t make any sense. Rodney opened his email inbox again and verified that he hadn’t hallucinated it. “Maybe he doesn’t read his email.”

“Maybe Dr. Weir intends to tell him at the briefing,” Zelenka said.

Rodney winced. “I can only apologize so many times. It’s starting to stick in my throat.” He coughed dramatically. “See?”

Zelenka pushed his glasses up. “Once was more than enough. You should go talk to Dr. Weir.”

“Are you nuts?” Rodney shook his head vehemently. “She left me with one testicle. I’m protecting it.” He realized he’d said too much, too loudly, when silence fell in the lab. “Oh, quit staring!”

There was much shuffling of feet and muttering about how much information was appropriate in the workplace, so Rodney lowered his voice. “I’m screwed, aren’t I?”

“Yes.” Zelenka sounded sure about that. Rodney groaned and went back to work. He’d deal with it in the morning.

Unfortunately, the morning wasn’t that far away, and a shower coupled with three cups of coffee really wasn’t enough to get him going. He downed a power bar instead of going to breakfast. The cafeteria wasn’t a friendly place for him. The silence that fell as he walked through the door was chilling enough, but the way the Marines looked at him made him shiver. In the military, shit rolled down hill, and Rodney had pissed off their commanding officer.

Straightening his shirt, he brushed his fingers through his hair. He’d apologized profusely. Hell, he’d even thanked Caldwell for saving their asses. There wasn’t much more he could do. He couldn’t bring the dead back to life or restore most of a solar system. Apologizing hadn’t made a difference. Sheppard wouldn’t look at him, and the rest of the team followed his lead.

A tiny bit of sympathy for Kavanagh reared its ugly head, and he stomped on it. They could ostracize him, but he wasn’t leaving his city. She needed him, even if they hated him. He took the back way to the lab.

“Are you insane? You must go!” Zelenka’s hair was wilder than usual.

Rodney felt his shoulders slump. “I don’t want to!”

Zelenka said several things in Czech that had to be rude. Rodney checked his watch. He could make it, if he ran. “Radek, please, tell me. I know I really, really screwed up, but you still trust me, right?”

The glasses came off, and Zelenka stepped closer. “I think you need to be watched carefully around big weapons as you lose your mind, but yes, I do.”

“That makes sense.” Rodney groaned and gave up. “I’ll go, but I am not to blame for the yelling that follows!”

Zelenka handed him a cup of coffee. “Run.”

Running was out of the question, but he did hurry through the hallways, sipping as he went. The conference room wasn’t far enough away, and he had to force his feet to carry him over the threshold. Sheppard glanced at him, nothing else, but Elizabeth narrowed her eyes, and Rodney wanted to make one thing very clear.

“Sheppard ordered me to report here! Now, I’m never quite sure where I fall in the command structure, but Zelenka said I had to show up, so here I am!” Rodney put the coffee down before he accidentally spilled it on Teyla. Her eyes were wide, and he hoped he hadn’t splashed her. Shoving his hands deep in his pockets, he refused to sit down.

“That’s enough drama for one day. Sit down so we can get started.” Sheppard wouldn’t look at him.

“No, John.” Elizabeth bit off each word.

Rodney could only assume that Sheppard didn’t read his email. “I’ll be in my lab,” he said, trying for some dignity.

“Sit down!” Sheppard slapped the table.

“I am in command here, and he’s grounded!” Elizabeth spat.

Sheppard looked mad as hell, and Rodney finally figured out that Sheppard had ignored his email. It didn’t make any sense. Elizabeth’s eyes practically blazed, and Rodney considered cowering.

“I trusted you to rein him in, and you didn’t. At this point, I don’t know which of you I trust less.”

“That would be me,” Rodney said softly. “Elizabeth, there was no way he could have stopped me.”

A muscle in Sheppard’s jaw was twitching. “My team. He goes.”

“No, he doesn’t,” Elizabeth snapped. “You don’t trust him. No one does!”

Rodney thought a kick to the balls would have felt better than that. He heard Teyla’s quick intake of breath, and Ronon looked at him.

“I do,” Ronon said gruffly. He didn’t elaborate. Rodney didn’t bother with gratitude, but he’d remember. He watched Sheppard and Elizabeth glare at each other.

“Perhaps we should discuss the mission,” Teyla said. She would look for the diplomatic solution. Rodney was usually irritated by that, but he didn’t bother today. Sheppard pointed at a chair, and Elizabeth shook her head.

“I’m sorry, Teyla, Ronon, but I can’t go with you. I’ll send someone.” Rodney picked up his coffee and wished it were much stronger. Sheppard growled something incoherent, and Elizabeth nodded.

“We’ll discuss this further, Rodney.” She was content in her victory.

Sheppard’s face was carved from anger. “We’ll discuss it now, damn it!”

Leaving was the best thing to do, and he sidled out the door. He stopped over by Chuck and sat down before his knees gave way. Tapping his headset, he asked, “Zelenka?”

“Here.”

“Send someone for Sheppard’s team.” Rodney felt like he’d been punched in the chest. That had been excruciating.

After a moment of silence, Zelenka groaned. “I have to choose?”

“You know them best. Pick someone qualified you trust.” Rodney clicked off. His own words mocked him, and he felt as if he had a perpetual wince on his face. They were never going to let him live this down. Never. People in two galaxies were going to remember this one thing until he died and then they’d put it on his gravestone. No matter his accomplishments. He’d screwed up big time, and there was nothing people loved more than throwing stones.

Sheppard would never forget. Never. But he still wanted Rodney on his team.

“Rodney, are you okay?”

He handed his coffee to Chuck, walked calmly to the nearest restroom, and threw up. When the shakes were over, he washed his hands, rinsed out his mouth, and took several deep breaths. As soon as his knees stopped wobbling, he headed for his room. Twice, he stopped and leaned against the wall to catch his breath and force himself not to vomit again.

“Rodney!”

He swallowed a bunch of bile, wished he hadn’t, and refused to turn so she could whack his nutsack again.

“Did you think having Colonel Sheppard on your side would make this all go away?” Her voice was pitched to furious. “You’re under my command, not his!”

“Colonel Sheppard won’t speak to me,” Rodney said, praying his voice was more than a whisper. She moved in front of him, and he forced his back straight.

“Are you okay?” She furrowed her brow and managed to look concerned when he knew she didn’t give a damn. He waved his hand in dismissal, but she put a hand to his forehead. “You’re burning up.”

“Common reaction to vomiting.” Rodney wanted to slap her hand away, but he wouldn’t. “I’m going to brush my teeth and then go to my lab. If you have a problem with the colonel, discuss it with him.”

She stepped away and touched her ear. “Carson, report to Rodney’s quarters please.”

Rodney shut his eyes for a moment to gain the strength to push by her. “Do you have any other orders for me, Dr. Weir?”

“Don’t put this on me,” she snapped.

He flinched and took a tentative step. When she didn’t stop him, he hurried to his quarters, only stumbling once. Dropping to his knees, he threw up the rest of the power bar and coffee. Sweat stood out on his forehead, and he watched his hands shake.

Sheppard had said that Rodney could fix it, if he tried. Rodney breathed through his mouth, unwilling to believe that any longer. He might have proven how stupid he could be, but he wasn’t a moron.

“Rodney!” Carson’s gentle hands were on him instantly, assessing.

Putting his head down, he spat. “I’m okay, Carson. I just puked. People do that.” People like him who had killed and destroyed.

Carson’s eyes were wide, and he didn’t really listen. He fussed and unpacked a medical kit. Rodney brushed his teeth with a blood pressure cuff on his arm. When he was done, he let Carson lead him to the bed.

“Now, what’s this about?” Carson wrapped the stethoscope around his neck and looked stern.

Saying anything would be hard. Rodney lifted his hands helplessly. “Sheppard wanted me to go off-world. Elizabeth grounded me. There was a lot of shouting. My stomach didn’t like it. End of story. I’m fine. I’m not ill, and I will not go to the infirmary.”

“She did, huh?” Carson took Rodney’s temperature. “The colonel was shouting?”

“Yes, and slapping the table. Teyla looked like a deer in the headlights.” Rodney really didn’t want to re-hash it. He swallowed hard again. “Are you… mad at me too?”

“For being stubborn, foolish, and so bloody-minded egotistical that you nearly got yourself killed?” Carson let him have it. “Aye!”

“Bloody-minded is the right word for it.” Rodney glanced at his clean hands. Some blood stains didn’t wash away. “In a universe without exotic particles, it would’ve worked.” A small tremor shook him. “I have to get to the lab. I want to do some re-organizing.”

“I’ll walk with you. One more bout of vomiting and you’ll be with me all day.” Carson extended his hand, and Rodney took it after a moment’s hesitation.

“I’m sorry, Carson.” Rodney was tempted to have it tattooed on his forehead. It would save him a lot of time in the future. “I messed up, and if you want to hate me like everyone else does, I won’t blame you.”

Carson let out a big sigh. “No one hates you, Rodney.” They stepped out of his quarters and went towards the lab.

Halfway there, Sheppard, geared up for a mission, appeared around a corner. He immediately turned on his heel and went the other way. This time, Rodney didn’t chase after him. “Yeah, right. No one hates me,” he muttered and felt his guts clench again. He almost breathed a sigh of relief when he had his lab around him. Safe. He was safe here.

Zelenka and Carson started whispering, but Rodney ignored them and went to his office. He never used it, preferring to be out in the flow of experiments. That was going to change. It’d take all day to get things arranged the way he wanted, but he wouldn’t be going off-world or anything. No one complained when he pressed them into manual labor. They don’t say anything, but he heard the accusations in their silence, felt their anger when furniture was dropped. Nonetheless, he had apologized for the last time. If these idiots didn’t want to work under him, the Daedalus would be back from Earth before too long, and he’d be happy to sign their transfers.

“Miko, my office, please.”

Her eyes grew very wide, and he hoped she didn’t cry. She sat, but only just, and he expected her to fly away at any moment.

“You’re going to be my liasion to Dr. Weir. No, you don’t have a choice. When she needs briefed, you’ll do it. It’ll be good for you.” Rodney knew this was the right thing to do, and Elizabeth wasn’t in charge of how he directed his department.

Miko bowed her head, and he hoped she didn’t faint. “Today?” she squeaked.

“Starting tomorrow all messages from Dr. Weir will be routed to your computer.” Rodney leaned forward. “You can do this. You’re an extremely competent woman.”

“I am?” Her eyes managed to grow wider. “I mean, I will.”

“Good.” Rodney waved his hand at the door. “Out.” But he couldn’t shout. She bolted away, and he shut the door with a thought. With a little help, she’d do fine. Elizabeth would strain to hear Miko’s soft voice, but she’d be grateful that Rodney wasn’t around.

The four walls around him were slightly depressing, but he would find some hideous wall art like the crap that hung in Elizabeth’s office, and at least he’d have something to laugh at occasionally.

“Laugh. Right.” Rodney noticed it was late and turned off his computer. His stomach was furious at him for not eating an actual meal today. He’d head to the cafeteria and hope no one was around.

Zelenka looked over his laptop. “This is how it will be?”

“Yes.” Rodney shrugged. “People can get some work done without glaring at my back.”

“Perhaps.” Zelenka stood and stretched. “I will go eat with you.”

Rodney didn’t care, and he didn’t rush. There was nothing left but sandwiches and tea, but he loaded up, and so did Zelenka. Beggars couldn’t be choosers. They sat at the back, and after a shrug began to eat.

“Who did you send?” Rodney asked softly. He hadn’t looked. He hadn’t wanted to look.

“The new guy, Georges.” Zelenka’s voice was low also. “He can actually fire a gun.”

“Must be from New York.”

They shared a small grin. Zelenka hunched even closer. “He is dumb as box of rocks.”

“Really dumb, or the usual dumb?” Rodney didn’t remember approving anyone by that name, but he hadn’t had a chance to meet all the new people the Daedalus had dropped off.

Zelenka rolled his eyes. “Not so smart. He is natural gene carrier. You didn’t request him?”

“No.” Rodney hated surprise people. “Who signed his paperwork?” He thought he knew already.

“Colonel Caldwell.”

“He’s a ringer.” Rodney leaned his face onto his palm. Zelenka stared at him in obvious confusion, and he was forced to explain. “Caldwell is keeping track of our weapon’s program with this guy. Put him on lightswitch duty when he’s not out with Sheppard’s team.”

“I will restrict his access,” Zelenka said, looking over his shoulder. Rodney nodded in agreement. He wasn’t worried. It wasn’t as if they were building bombs or anything. He paused before his last bite. Maybe they should be building bombs. Cloaked ones. He snapped his fingers several times. Zelenka sat up straighter. “This will be good, yes?”

“Yes.” Rodney managed a smile.

*********

John met Elizabeth’s eyes firmly. “No, I haven’t seen Dr. McKay lately.”

Elizabeth nearly squirmed. She, more than most, knew how close the two men had been. That was over. “How is the new team member working out?”

“He can shoot.” John didn’t look away.

“A stellar endorsement.” She searched for some more words. “If you did have a problem, you’d speak to Rodney, right?”

“Right,” John drawled. He fidgeted with the straps on his thigh. “How long are you going to keep McKay grounded?”

She thought she heard an edge of hope in those words. Grinding her heel into them, she said firmly, “Until hell freezes over.”

“Is it me, or is it hot in here?” John got to his feet. “Later.” He left without a nod of permission granted. She kept her eyes on his back, waiting for him to look at her, but he didn’t.

“Trust has to be earned,” she whispered.

*********

Rodney looked in the mirror three times to be sure. He calculated mass ratio quickly and groaned. Fat. He was getting fat. Without the regimen of twice-weekly races against death and lack of food brought on by villagers imprisoning him, he was getting fat. Groaning, he sat down on the edge of his bed and tried to think of ways to combat it that didn’t involve exercise or dieting. If only he’d been born with better genes.

Sitting at his desk all day wasn’t exercise. He wasn’t sure he cared, but there were no fat people on this mission, and the back of his neck told him that Elizabeth was looking for an excuse to send him back to Earth.

“Damn,” he muttered. This would be easier if he had Ronon or Teyla to goad him on, but they were firmly in Sheppard’s corner, and he wouldn’t admit to missing them. Their new team member, Georges, was always bragging about how much they needed his help and how he saved the day nearly every mission. Rodney was beginning to actively dislike him.

Perhaps some exercise wouldn’t kill him. He couldn’t hide forever. People had gotten over it, right? He looked about his quarters and groaned even louder. The remains of MRE’s covered every surface. It was time to start eating in the cafeteria again. He’d have to lift his chin and take it like a man. Hopefully, the Marines, being not so smart, had forgotten all about it.

His TAC vest was abandoned on a chair, and he could see his gun peeking out underneath it. Ridiculous. He was a scientist, not a gunfighter. It was time to clean this mess up and face his life realistically.

“It’s gonna suck.” But he’d do it. He squared his shoulders and called Zelenka on the radio. “Radek?”

“Here, Rodney.”

“I’m taking the day.” Rodney didn’t imagine the small gasp of surprise. “Any real trouble, I’ll have this on.”

“Well, ah, okay?” Zelenka hesitated. “Are you well?”

“Right as rain.” Rodney clicked off and started with the trash. His life really did suck, but he had no one to blame but himself. By the time lunch rolled around, his quarters were clean, and his stomach was rumbling. Before he went to eat, he sat down to make a spread sheet. He’d keep a track of what he ate, and eat less, damn it. His stomach demanded food, and he gave up. He’d go and hope for the best.

The cafeteria was packed, but that didn’t stop the silence from falling dramatically. He nearly turned tail and ran, and he did back up two steps, but he hit something solid.

“McKay.”

Rodney’s brain froze. He tried not to panic. “Ronon.” His legs wanted to run. The silence was deafening. “I should leave.”

“We need to talk.”

Four little words that made Rodney want to sink through the floor, but he grabbed a tray, tried to pick healthier choices than usual, and stepped far around a couple of Marines he didn’t recognize. They sneered, and he tried not to look scared.

“They really hate me,” Rodney said as soon as his butt was down safely at a table. He didn’t think he’d be back to eat any time soon.

Ronon gave a grunt that might have been agreement. He shrugged. “Who’s Georges working for?”

Rodney blinked in surprise. “He’s assigned to the science department, so technically, me.”

“And?”

“Caldwell sent him,” Rodney said very softly. “I found out after he was assigned to your team,” he said quickly so Ronon didn’t knife him. The rest of the meal passed in silence, and Rodney didn’t linger when he was finished. “Bye.”

“Your team too.” Ronon speared a potato-ish thing. “You’re getting fat.”

“Thank you, I’m very aware of that!” Rodney bussed his tray and got the hell out of there before someone tripped him.

“Asshole,” someone whispered, and he nearly stopped to tell them that they were complete and utter morons, but since the sentiment was shared by most of the base it would be an extreme waste of his time. He ducked his head and left before someone punched him. There was no doubt he deserved it.

*********

John slid into the seat opposite Ronon and smiled tightly. “Hey.”

“Sheppard.” Ronon’s plate was empty. John couldn’t help but wonder why the big guy was still hanging around the cafeteria.

“Anything new?”

Ronon flicked a knife from his sleeve and started flipping it around. “Georges is Caldwell’s man.”

“You sure?” John didn’t like the sound of that. Not even Teyla liked the guy, but John had insisted over and over again that they had to keep him.

“McKay told me.” Ronon sent the knife straight up and caught it by the hilt. “The Marines are messing with McKay. I don’t like it.”

“Boys will be boys.” John wasn’t sure he should eat. That knife might land on him. He didn’t, under any circumstance, want to discuss this further. “Rodney can take care of himself.”

Ronon sent the knife straight into the wall, uncomfortably close to a Marines’ head. Phillips was his name, and his eyes couldn’t get any bigger. Ronon eased up and crossed to his knife. John didn’t catch the whispered words, but Phillips did, and he looked concerned for his life. Ronon sat back down heavily.

“I’m sure that’s against regulations.” John could only hope Phillips didn’t go whining to Elizabeth. Ronon shrugged and slid the knife away. John tried again, “Ronon, don’t.”

“Team used to mean something.” Ronon didn’t need the knife to cut him.

At that exact instant, Teyla joined them. “I do not like the way people are talking about Dr. McKay. He has done nothing wrong.”

“Besides blow up most of a solar system?” John didn’t agree with her, and he didn’t stop there. “He was also  responsible for the death of one of his team members.”

Teyla and Ronon exchanged a long look. John waited to hear it, but they both got up and left. That wasn’t very helpful. John sighed and ate his lunch. He wasn’t wrong to blame Rodney. He wasn’t wrong to think the guy couldn’t be trusted, but he still resented Elizabeth for taking him off the team. The team was John’s. Not hers.

John tossed his half-empty tray in the dirty pile and headed down to the lab. This thing with Georges didn’t sit easy. Rodney could damn well explain himself.

*********

“Rodney?”

Clicking on his radio, he answered reluctantly, “What is it, Radek?”

“Colonel Sheppard is here, and he’s not happy.”

Rodney took a deep breath, suppressing the urge to throw his radio down and stomp it. “Tell him to join the Not-Happy Club! He can be president!”

“I will not do that.” Zelenka was practically whispering. “He wants to talk to you.”

“No, he wants to yell at me. It’s my day off. Tell him to kiss my ass.” Rodney unhooked his radio and threw it in the ocean. Yes, it was a very stupid thing to do, but he’d had more than he could handle between the cafeteria, dieting, and now exercising. He wanted to choke someone to death. Slumping down on the pier, he leaned back and stared up at the blue, blue sky. Maybe he should leave when the Daedalus arrived. He loved the city, but–. Shoving that line of thought away, he wiped the sweat from his brow.

“I’m not leaving, you hear me?” he yelled. He dug out his sunblock and applied another layer. If Sheppard were here, he’d complain about the smell. Rodney struggled to his feet and started the long trek back to his quarters. He wasn’t going to think about Sheppard and how much fun they’d had before he’d ruined it all. The only thing left was a sour taste in his mouth and a frown on Sheppard’s face.

The shower he took had rarely felt better, and once he was clean and dry, he had no reason not to go to work. Tomorrow, he’d go walking in the morning. He’d hate it, but he’d do it. Munching a power bar without chocolate chips – so wrong – he tried to sneak in his office, but Zelenka had the ears of a fox and made some strange gesture that could’ve meant anything.

“McKay.”

Rodney dropped the power bar. His heart sped up, and he struggled to hide his emotions, something he was not good at doing. The power bar went in the trash, and he sat down behind his desk, using it as a shield.

“Why didn’t you speak to Miko, Colonel? She’s up to speed on all our projects.”

The door shut. Rodney knew he hadn’t done it. He opened his laptop and tried very hard to look as if he didn’t give a damn.

“You should’ve come to me,” Sheppard ground out. He was slouched in a chair in front of the desk, but he was angry, no doubt about it.

Yelling at each other was so stupid. Rodney pitched his voice so it couldn’t be mistaken for anger. “Am I supposed to guess what you’re babbling about?”

Sheppard leaned forward. “Georges!”

Ronon had a big mouth for a guy who never said anything. Rodney tried to tap his earpiece, realized it was in the ocean, and used his laptop to send Zelenka an email.

“Wait one moment.” Rodney looked at everything and anything but Sheppard.

Zelenka slunk inside the office thirty seconds later. “I have work.”

“Radek, brief Colonel Sheppard on Georges.” Rodney got to his feet. He was leaving. “I’m going to check in with Miko.”

“I want to hear it from you!” Sheppard snapped.

“Too bad. We don’t always get what we want.” Rodney shut the door behind him and went to find out how Miko was holding up. Sheppard had come to him, and it was very tempting to smear Georges and try to weasel back into the colonel’s good graces. Tempting, but stupid, and Rodney would rather be stabbed than stupid.

*********

Radek did not like the look that was on Colonel Sheppard’s face. He was like the wolf before the meal. Quickly, before the wolf could pounce, Radek told him everything.

“No mistake?”

“None. Georges encoded his message to Colonel Caldwell in last week’s databurst. Of course, Rodney broke it in about ten seconds.”

“Why wasn’t I informed?” Colonel Sheppard was all teeth today.

“Georges has done nothing wrong.” Radek hadn’t considered telling anyone. “We, however, have invaded his privacy and drawn conclusions based on very little evidence.”

Colonel Sheppard got to his feet, and his hand dropped to his gun. “If he were one of my men…”

“But he is not, and we have no legs to stand on.” Radek shook his head. “He is very good lightswitch.”

“Natural gene carrier.” Colonel Sheppard frowned. “I don’t like it. Why would Caldwell do this?”

“It is no secret that he wants your job.” Radek saw the angry glint in the wolf’s eyes. “If I know it, everyone does! We are watching Georges. Kavanagh has also sent encrypted messages to SGC.”

“He has?”

“Yes. Rodney was unable to break because Kavanagh used a scrubber.” Radek didn’t like the pony tail man at all. “Georges is innocent until proven guilty, yes?”

Colonel Sheppard didn’t look convinced. He shifted on his feet. “Is Rodney doing okay?”

The words were a shock, and Radek had to snap his jaw shut. He desperately searched for some words in English to express Rodney’s unhappiness, but he could think of nothing.

“It wasn’t my idea.” Colonel Sheppard stared at his boots. “Dr. Weir said she’d put Rodney back in the field when hell froze over.”

“Co to blejes?” Radek had never heard such stupidity in all his life. He took his glasses off and rubbed his eyes. “Dr. Weir is a good woman.” He had to believe that she would change her mind or Rodney would change it for her. “Rodney made a mistake, but who among us is blameless?”

The colonel rubbed his mouth. “A man died,” he said softly.

“And I will always blame myself, as will Rodney.” Radek had liked Collins very much, but their job was a risky one, and they all knew it. “It could as easily have been me, or Rodney, or anyone else. We could not have predicted the energy expansion into the chamber. Fault? Among us all perhaps.”

Silence fell between them, and Radek hoped they were finished. “Good enough?”

“Ronon doesn’t trust Georges. It won’t work much longer. Someone will get hurt.” The wolf was back, and his eyes were wide, angry. “Tell McKay to find me a scientist.”

“You could send him an email? He reads them often.” Radek grinned nervously and fled like the lambs in the field.

*********

McKay, I want a new scientist for my team. ASAP. JS

Rodney stared at it long and hard before typing an answer.

Colonel Sheppard, I’ll put Zelenka in charge of that. Dr.RM

He sent it before he could change his mind about the content. The answer was so fast that he opened it with his eyebrows raised. Sheppard was actually on-line.

This is not my fault. JS

Rodney had no answer for that. It was true, and punishing Sheppard for it was wrong. But it felt good.

Trust me. I know. Dr.RM

He hit send fast and closed out his email to avoid any further communication. Going to his office door, he motioned Zelenka over and said, “Let’s go over the list and find someone for Sheppard’s team.”

Word went around the lab at faster-than-light speed, and they weren’t halfway through the list before Georges was outside Rodney’s door.

“I’m being reassigned?” His indignation was noisy.

Rodney was surprised that he felt some sympathy for him. “It’s not working. Perhaps another gate team will be better.”

Zelenka tried to turn invisible as Georges sputtered out one reason after another why they were wrong. Finally, Rodney cut him short, “Georges, Sheppard told me to find him someone else. This is out of your hands.”

“Damn it!” Georges stomped off.

“Tell the colonel,” Zelenka said.

With a long-suffering sigh, Rodney opened his email again. He didn’t disagree. He’d just wanted to do it without being told.

Georges is angry. Consider yourself warned. Dr.RM

If there was an answer, he didn’t want to read it. He shut his laptop and went back to the list. It didn’t change for staring at it. “We are all a bunch of sad, sad geeks.”

“That truth does not get any easier.” Zelenka took off his glasses and rubbed his eyes. “Do you think Dr. Weir will allow you back in the field?”

“No.” Rodney couldn’t exactly blame her, but she was screwing this up, and this was Sheppard’s team they were talking about, and he was going to have to do something drastic. “How long has it been since I blew up a solar system?”

“Three weeks, four days, and a few hours.” Zelenka wasn’t funny. He put his glasses on again. “Do not make her angrier.”

“As if that was possible.” Rodney leaned back in his chair. “Call a staff meeting. Everyone. No excuses.”

“Where?” Zelenka’s hair might have been standing on end.

“The gateroom.” Making his point would be much easier there. “Thirty minutes. Move.” He didn’t watch as Zelenka launched an attack by e-mail and then dashed out of the lab. They’d show up. Curiosity, if nothing else.

********

Chuck couldn’t help but notice the sudden influx of scientists. They were milling about, talking in low voices and looking up nervously. He was tempted to wave.

“What’s going on?” Dr. Weir crossed her arms.

That wasn’t a question he wanted to field. She tapped her earpiece. “Colonel Sheppard, report to the gateroom.”

This couldn’t be good. Chuck tried to make himself smaller. He spotted Dr. McKay instantly, of course, and he thought he heard Dr. Weir mumble a curse. Bad. This was going to be bad.

********

Teyla had a difficult time occasionally with the people from Earth. Perhaps growing up without the fear of being consumed by the Wraith had made their brains refuse to fully develop. She had no doubt that this was one of those times. Settling into a shadow, she kept her eyes on Dr. McKay with quick glances up to Dr. Weir. This conflict could have been avoided, but neither of them had chosen that path.

“Okay, people, listen up!”

Dr. McKay projected his voice as only he was capable of doing. A small movement caught Teyla’s eye and she saw Colonel Sheppard near the stairs. He looked as if he might walk down, but Dr. Weir shook her head once, and he stopped.

“Since we arrived in the Pegasus galaxy, we have suffered a number of casualties.” Dr. McKay’s voice was strained. His back was to the stairs, and Teyla knew the grief on his face was real. “Going out with gate teams is no laughing matter and dangerous business. Even the most benign missions have occasionally turned deadly.”

That was the truth, and Teyla knew the guilt of lost people very well. Dr. Weir’s face was set. Her arms crossed her body. There would be no compromise there today.

“When you signed your contracts, you agreed to explore and discover Ancient technology here on Atlantis. Nothing more.” Dr. McKay frowned. His hands were shifting about from nerves. Teyla saw Colonel Sheppard stiffen and take a step, and then Dr. McKay said, “From now on, there will be no gate missions for any of you unless approved in advance by myself. None. This galaxy is too dangerous for us to pretend otherwise.”

Teyla felt the shock. The silence was deep, and she easily saw the muscle in Dr. Weir’s jaw flex. Anger. Colonel Sheppard looked stunned. He was halfway down the stairs now.

“If you have any questions, see me in my office.” Dr. McKay ducked his head and then lifted his chin in defiance. “Dismissed.”

Teyla moved through the murmuring crowd easily, knowing this was far from over. She was directly behind Dr. McKay when Colonel Sheppard hissed, “What are you doing, McKay?”

“What I have to do to keep my people safe. Remember safe?” Dr. McKay looked miserable. “None of my people are trained to run and shoot and run some more.”

“You do it all the time!”

“Ah, yes. Well, they can’t all be me.” Dr. McKay didn’t sound as if he were happy about that. “Would you send your men out to repair atomic bombs? I don’t think so! No, you may not kill any more of my people. I do that very well without any help.”

Teyla heard Colonel Sheppard gasp, and Dr. McKay swiped at his eyes before striding after Dr. Zelenka.

“Damn it,” Colonel Sheppard whispered. Teyla hated the self-pity she’d heard in Dr. McKay’s voice. Death happened to each of them. Living in blame and guilt did not honor the fallen.

“He can’t do this,” Dr. Weir said. “He doesn’t have the authority.”

Colonel Sheppard gave her a long look that Teyla had seen many times. “Yes, he does.”

“It’s mutiny.” Dr. Weir was very angry. Teyla didn’t understand it. She took a step closer to Colonel Sheppard.

“You know none of them are qualified for my team. Rodney’s right. They’d end up dead.”

“I won’t have it.” Dr. Weir shook her head. “I’ll rescind the order immediately.”

“Can you force him to send his people into danger?” Teyla asked. “Did they come to Atlantis knowing they’d be sent to fight Wraith?”

They both turned to her. “Not exactly,” Colonel Sheppard said. “Dr. Weir is in command. Rodney’s on thin ice, and he knows it.”

Teyla knew all about command – more than she’d wanted when she’d become a leader. “Ah yes, command. I do not send children to fight. I tell them to run or hide. Perhaps Dr. McKay feels protective of his children.”

The looks they gave her did nothing to convince her that Earth people were smarter than Athosians. She bowed her head and went to find Ronon. He was lurking somewhere close by. It might be possible that it was time to go to her people, and he would want the choice of coming with her.

*********

“The hard radiation from that explosion will kill you.” Zelenka’s eyes were wide behind his glasses. “You do not have the authority.”

“Yes, yes, I do. It’s clearly stated in our charter, or whatever the hell they call it. Gate missions are at my discretion because my people are very rarely qualified to fight Wraith!” Rodney went ahead and yelled. “From now on, they can damn well vet the missions through me, and I’ll consider whether it’s safe to send someone. No more gallivanting around like this galaxy won’t kill us dead!”

Zelenka’s shoulders slumped. “Too many lost.”

“Too many,” Rodney whispered. He avoided meeting anyone’s eyes and was glad to hide in his office. Drawing up the latest schematics for his cloaked bombs, he stared at it, but all he saw was Elizabeth’s anger. She wouldn’t let his theatrics slide, and he wasn’t sure he was up to a confrontation.

His email box blinked at him, and he clicked it.

You have lost your mind. JS

This place would certainly drive someone to it. Rodney hesitated. Do you want Georges back? No one else is near qualified. Dr.RM

The answer was fast. He nearly got us killed four times. I’d rather be sporked. JS

Rodney tried not to laugh but couldn’t help it. What we need is a breed of Rambo scientists. What we got is a bunch of serious geeks. I can’t send them, knowing there’s a good chance they’ll die. Dr.RM

His breath caught in his throat, and he hit send before he changed his mind. He wasn’t sure he wanted a reply, but he got one.

I know. I got your six. JS

Relief swept over him, and he was light-headed from it. When it didn’t fade, he realized he’d forgotten to eat and opened a power bar. His biggest hope for today was that Elizabeth wouldn’t call a meeting until later – tomorrow. Or the next day. Or never would be fine. He couldn’t stare at the schematics any longer, and he went out to gauge the level of anger in the lab. Zelenka gave him a short glance and waved him over. Rodney went and sat down next to him.

“Everyone mad?”

Zelenka blinked. “Relieved is the word, and Kavanagh even said something like you had finally made a good decision.”

“That’s just wrong.” Rodney regretted it more now. He sighed. “I missed my walk this morning, so I’m going now.” He took off his radio and put it down on the table. This time he’d leave it here, instead of tossing it in the ocean.

“You have lost your mind?” Zelenka looked at the radio.

“You and Sheppard agree on that.” Rodney contented himself with a sharp look. “Do not blow up my city in the next hour.” He went out before the Czech curses began and started walking his usual route. It took him far out on the pier, away from Marines on patrol or anyone else that might bother him.

Never before had he given a damn if people trusted him. They were supposed to shut up and do their jobs. Nothing more. But here, in Atlantis, it was different. Trust kept everyone alive, and he’d violated it for nothing but his ego. Of course, big weapons were really cool, and it should’ve worked! He forced that away and trudged onward. Cheating with one transporter made the trip more bearable, and he put on his sunblock before stepping outside to find that it was raining. Pouring. He glared up at the skies, but he wasn’t done, and he kept on walking.

Lightning flashed, thunder rumbled in the distance, and he didn’t care. Sheppard had trusted him. The operative word there being had. Earning it back wasn’t possible or likely. Rodney hated living with his mistakes. Hated. It was too bad he couldn’t relocate to, say, another galaxy or something. He dropped to his knees and then sat on his butt in the spot where he usually turned around to head back. Rain pounded him, and his forearm inexplicably began to ache.

It was a phantom pain. He’d had it before, usually when Kolya showed up, but it seemed the rain enjoyed playing with him also. A huge shiver raced over him, and he knew it was time to go inside. This time, there’d be no running away from his mistake. He’d face it and all the consequences and move on with his life. Nothing was bringing Collins back. Stupid exotic particles.

Ending up on his hands and knees was a shock, and he was deafened momentarily. It was possible to feel the electricity in the air, and while his instinct was to run, he saw the puddles he’d have to run through to get to the door. Getting himself into the lightning crouch wasn’t easy, but he managed it. His hair felt as if it were standing on end, and he clamped his eyes shut, waiting for it.

It knocked him on his ass, but it missed him, and the instant he was up, he ran for his life.

********

“Colonel Sheppard?” Zelenka hoped he had the right radio channel.

“Here.”

Zelenka checked his watch again. “Dr. McKay is thirty minutes overdue.”

“From what?” Sheppard sounded indignant.

“He went on his usual morning walk, but he hasn’t returned.” The silence wasn’t encouraging. This might have been a mistake. “I know he isn’t on your team any longer. I am sorry. I will look for him myself.”

“Damn him!” Sheppard sounded insane. It must be in the air today. “And damn you for even thinking that! Which pier?”

“He gave me a map of his route.” Zelenka printed it off, feeling not one shred of guilt. How was he to know that the colonel still felt loyalty? It made no sense.

“On my way. I’ll try to contact him by radio.”

“Colonel, he isn’t wearing it.” Zelenka had to pull his off because of the stream of curses. He very much hoped this was all foolishness.

********

“Why the bloody hell is he down here?”

“Like I know,” Sheppard spat. “Some new exercise program.”

“Oh, well, he was gaining weight.” Carson was pleased that Rodney was trying. “I’m surprised you called me.”

“Teyla and Ronon are on the mainland.” Sheppard began to run. The city shook slightly around them, and Carson followed as fast as he was able. They’d outstripped the nurses with the gurney ages ago. This all had better be for nothing, but if it was, he was kicking Rodney’s ass all the way back to the lab.

Sheppard pulled to a halt, looked about, and pointed. “That way. Why the hell is he so far off the beaten path?”

Carson wasn’t sure Sheppard really wanted an answer, but he provided one. “The Marines have been, well, you know.”

“What?” Sheppard thought that was over. He’d impressed upon his men that it wasn’t acceptable.

“Well, Ronon told me they were… Colonel, you know how shit runs downhill in the military. They were passing it on.” Carson pushed past him. They were near the outside door now, and they both could hear the rain and thunder. Sheppard growled something incoherent and shoved hard on the door. It didn’t budge.

Sheppard pulled out his gun, but Carson stopped him. “What if Rodney is on the other side of it?”

“Damn it!”

“Together now.” Carson got a good hold, and they fought to get it open. It yielded with a scream of tortured metal, and they were able to put their shoulders into it. Lightning slammed into the pier, and they were thrown down. Sheppard was up first, and Carson braced himself against the rain.

“There!” Sheppard pointed, and they both saw him.

Carson stepped back into the meager cover and hit his radio. “Medical team, move yer asses!”

*********

“McKay, get moving!”

Rodney thought he was hallucinating at first, but that was Sheppard, and the door was open, and he fought to get to his feet. His thighs screamed at him for the abuse, Sheppard grabbed him by the shoulder, and they were running together. The hair prickled on Rodney’s arms and he knew what was coming.

The blast blew them through the doorway into the hallway. Rodney looked up into the face of the man on top of him. “You always know how to show me a good time.” He was happy to faint.

*********

“What happened out there, Colonel?” Weir clearly wasn’t happy.

John draped the towel around his neck. “Rodney was caught out in a freak electrical storm. Freak is Zelenka’s explanation, not mine. I went after him.” He looked for Carson and was glad when he came over to fill them both in on Rodney’s condition.

“He’ll be fine. Had his wee brains scrambled and a bit of exposure, but he’ll be back to his normal self by the morning.” Carson had his own towel.

“So, he wasn’t hit?”

“No. Close a few times from the way he tells it, but if he’d had been hit directly, he’d be dead.”

John couldn’t help but flinch. “I’m going to kick his butt for going out there at all!”

“Take a number,” Weir drawled. “I’m glad he’s okay, and tell him there’s a senior staff meeting tomorrow morning at nine.”

“Aye.” Carson looked dubious. “I’ll release him if he’s ready. I heard about what happened in the gateroom.”

Weir cut him off. “Nothing happened. Gate teams will continue to operate with scientists.”

“No, no they won’t.” John caught her eye. “If Rodney thinks it isn’t safe, it isn’t, and I won’t put my men in the position of failing to protect them.”

“Colonel.” Weir used that one word so effectively.

John narrowed his eyes. “I won’t.”

“You still have Ronon and Teyla.” Weir wasn’t quitting.

“No, I don’t. They refuse to gate without Rodney. They left for the mainland after the meeting.” John had hated that, but he couldn’t have stopped them. Teyla had been so calm, and Ronon had looked very angry. His team wasn’t a team, and he was only willing to shoulder some of the blame. “I suggest you go see Heightmeyer and figure out who exactly you’re angry at and then review your policies.”

Weir could’ve killed Wraith with the look she gave him. He turned slightly to Carson. “Can I see him?”

“For a minute, but remember, his brain is fried.”

John nodded and walked away from her. He would probably pay for that, but it had been the right thing to do.

********

“Wasn’t that cool?” Rodney had to say it once. “Boom!”

Sheppard sat down next to him and ruffled a towel through his hair. “Very cool, except for the dying part.”

“Yes. That would’ve been bad.” Rodney wanted to reach out and touch him. It’d been nice when they were lying on each other. “Carson made me get naked.”

“I know. I was there.”

“Really?” Rodney liked the sound of that. He laughed, shivered, and rubbed his sore arm. “Kolya cut me up, but the lightning, wow.”

“You’re high on electricity.” Sheppard pointed. “And you have a funny hat on.”

“Is warm.” He tried to snuggle deeper into the blankets and warm packs. “You okay? Your hair is on end, but that’s normal, and boom!”

Sheppard’s laughter made him grin. He put his shaking hands between his thighs. “I think I needed new shorts. Scary! Worse than Wraith or Ronon on a bad day.”

“Why didn’t you tell me the Marines were still on your ass?”

“They were?” Rodney suddenly yawned. He was so tired. “Legs hurt. Let’s not do that again.” He had to smile at his friend. They were friends. “Sorry I screwed up.”

“Me too.”

Rodney blinked several times. He knew what he had to say. “Don’t trust me again. Don’t.”

“Jesus, Rodney, go to sleep.”

That was easy enough.

*********

Elizabeth waited at her desk until the last minute before going to the conference table. She hadn’t gone to see Kate, but she had spent all night thinking about the problem and coming to few conclusions.

“Elizabeth.” Sheppard took his usual spot and slouched artfully. It was all a pose. She nodded, opened her laptop, and waited. At nine fifteen, she gave up and looked at him.

“Rodney?”

“Still asleep.”

“Carson?”

“Refuses to leave his patient.”

She rubbed her forehead and knew that she was being out-manuevered. “And you said Ronon and Teyla are on the mainland?”

“Yes.” Sheppard drummed his fingers on the desk. “We done?”

The urge to slap him was overwhelming, and he probably knew it. She had miscalculated Sheppard’s loyalty to Rodney. Drastically. “You’ve forgiven him.”

Sheppard shrugged. “It doesn’t matter.”

She ground her teeth at the lack of a clear response. “So this leaves me with Chuck.”

“Yep.” Sheppard’s eyes were fierce now. “You’re in command.”

“I am.” Elizabeth would never give that away. “Do you trust him?” She waited for the lie, the shifty eyes, the body language that would give him away.

“He screwed up. He knows it. Would I go on a mission with him? Of course. Would I make sure he doesn’t get hold of big weapons? Definitely. Would I take any other scientist on this base? No.” Sheppard paused. “Maybe we’ll get luckier in our next batch of geeks.”

Elizabeth was appalled at the language. “John!”

“Yelling my name is fun, or so my mom always said.” Sheppard eased to his feet. “Every good commander knows his or her limits.” He slouched his way out the door. She slapped her laptop shut. She’d done nothing wrong. It was Rodney who had made mistakes.

With a small snarl, she went back to her office.

“Dr. Weir?”

“What is it?” she snapped before she realized it was Miko.

Miko shrank two sizes, and she didn’t have it to lose. Elizabeth expected her to flee, but she sat down in the chair and took a very deep breath. “I have the weekly report ready.”

Elizabeth nodded. She had to control her facial expressions, or Miko might cry. “Inform the lab that I have officially rescinded Dr. McKay’s order.” She was shocked to see the true fear stamped its way across Miko’s face. “I will be assigning scientists to the gate teams.”

“You will?” Miko’s hands shook.

“Yes.” Elizabeth tried to project confidence. “I feel that you, as a group, are more than competent.”

Mike clutched her hands together. “We will die. I did not come here to die. I am not Ronon.” She jumped to her feet. “I do not understand this. Dr. McKay is a great scientist. He took a risk, but he tried.”

A quick answer stuck in Elizabeth’s throat. She hesitated until she was sure. “He destroyed a solar system.”

“No, the Ancients did. If he’d have succeeded, he would have saved a galaxy. It was worth the risk.” Miko shook her head. “They say you don’t trust him. If this is true, send him to Earth. We cannot live this way.”

“Thank you for your candor, Miko.” Elizabeth felt as if she’d been bludgeoned with Miko’s fear and innocence. Now Miko fled the room, and Elizabeth leaned back. Earth. She’d never even considered it. If she truly didn’t trust him, wouldn’t she have insisted on it? Keeping him here and punishing him had been much more satisfying, but it had spiraled out of control. Yes, she was in command, but out here, that meant less than it should. She had to keep everything in balance. Sheppard and McKay were the base of her power structure.

Opening her bottom drawer, she poured herself two fingers of whiskey. She would do what she had to do, but she’d draw the line at an apology. She’d done nothing wrong.

*********

“My legs are so sore I don’t think I can walk.” Rodney hated that he could feel them trembling.

Carson handed him a pain killer. “I usually don’t, but I can see I’m not getting you out of here otherwise.”

Rodney took it before getting out of bed. “Oh, God. Even Cadman didn’t do this to me.”

“Who taught you the lightning crouch?” Carson steadied him.

Clutching him, Rodney tried not to whimper. “Don’t you know it?”

“Aye, but we learn it in medical school.” Carson gave him a pat. “You missed the senior staff meeting.”

“Oh? Did you go?”

Carson shook his head. “I had a patient.”

That took a moment to process through scorched neurons. “Coward.”

“Completely.” Carson smiled. “Now get out of here before they blame me for everything.”

“Oh, ha, ha. As if they’ll blame anyone but me.” Rodney tried to stretch but gave up and settled for hobbling towards the door. “I’ll be in my room, under the bed.”

“First smart thing you’ve said.” Carson disappeared into his office. Rodney wasn’t really going to hide, but he probably should. He groaned and forced his legs to take one step after another. Luckily, the halls were empty, and he stumbled into his room unseen. The first thing he did was check his email, but he did it lying on his back with his laptop on his chest. He sent Zelenka a short email, and then stared a long time before opening the one from Sheppard.

Meeting did not go well. Keep your head down. JS

“Crap.” Rodney hesitantly answer it. I’m in my quarters, hiding. Dr.RM

He didn’t expect Sheppard to write back. The situation with Elizabeth was officially out of control, and he knew he didn’t have enough people skills to fix it. His inbox chimed, and he clicked.

Do not do anything stupid. JS

As if I’m ever stupid! Dr.RM That reply had been quick and easy and the instant he hit send, he wanted it back. Instead, he wrote another one – fast. Okay, so occasionally I’m really dumb. I just wanted to save the galaxy. So sue me. Dr.RM

I know. Maybe next time. JS

The answer literally drove the air out of his lungs. Rodney had to shut his laptop and push it away. He knew trust when he saw it. Understanding why wasn’t important, but the fact that at some level Sheppard still trusted him made him curl up, shut his eyes, and try not to think. He fell asleep that way.

Waking was hell. Absolute. The pain pill had worn off hours ago, and he felt as if someone had beaten him – someone like Ronon. With a grunt, he slung his laptop back on his chest and opened it. Nothing from Zelenka or Elizabeth. Reluctantly, his heart somewhere near his tongue, he clicked.

Want to go to the mainland with me? JS

That was innocuous enough. Rodney checked the timestamp, saw it was only thirty minutes old, and replied. Need pain pill. Stat. Please. DR.RM  P.S. Sure.

I’ll go ask Carson. I’d about given up on you. JS

Rodney didn’t bother to answer. He shut his laptop and pushed it away. He’d just lie here until Sheppard came with a pain pill or death, whichever came first. Staring at the ceiling was very dull, but he managed it for five minutes before struggling to sit up. Swinging his legs over the side of the bed seemed an impossible task.

Several deep breaths later, he’d made no progress whatsoever. He flopped back and groaned.

“Gonna die?”

“Hoping.” Rodney lifted his arm and cupped his hand. Two pills dropped into it, and he popped them in his mouth. “Don’t tell me what they were.”

“Wasn’t gonna.” Sheppard raised his eyebrow. “Sit up, drink this, and then we’ll go.”

Rodney floundered up, coffee was worth it, and breathed in the wonderful smell. “Thanks.” He didn’t rush, and he wondered why Sheppard didn’t fuss at him

Sheppard put his hands on his hips. “Are you worried she’ll send you back to Earth?”

“I wasn’t until now, thank you very much.” Rodney guzzled the coffee. He didn’t see the need to share his worries. “I’m not going unless you and your goons force me through at gunpoint.”

Sheppard stuck out his hand. “Let’s go. I have chocolate chip power bars.”

“I’m up!” With some help. He did indulge in several groans. “My legs are killing me.” He was glad Sheppard wasn’t mocking him yet. Forcing his spine straight, he winced at the pops. “This galaxy is out to get me.”

One strong pull, and they were walking down the hallway. Rodney was proud he only stumbled once or twice. Sheppard gave him a look.

“This galaxy may be out to get you, but you’ve managed to score a few points.” Sheppard had the jumper open and ready. “Flight, this is Jumper One – ready to head to the mainland.”

“Jumper One – cleared for takeoff.”

Rodney wasn’t sure he wanted to sit down, but standing for a half-hour didn’t sound attractive either. He slid into the seat and tried not to grumble. Sheppard slapped a power bar into Rodney’s palm. It would help.

“Thanks.” He took two fast bites after ripping it open. “I should be working.”

“Your brain is still fried.” Sheppard glanced over at him. “You can barely walk, and your eyes are twitching.”

“They are?” Rodney put his hand up and could feel the skin jumping. “That’s weird.” He didn’t know what else to say. “Leftover electrical residue?”

Sheppard shrugged like he always did, and it was comforting. “Have I mentioned that was the dumbest thing ever?”

Rodney had known it was coming. “No, Mother.” He chased the last bit of power bar with the dregs of the coffee. “I went for a walk in the rain. People do it all the time.”

“Not Rodney McKay. Not the world’s biggest hypochondriac that avoids all extremes of temperatures and climates! What the hell were you doing?” Sheppard had worked his voice from extreme sarcasm to a roar.

Swallowing hard, Rodney searched for an answer. He put the cup away from the controls and pressed his palms into his eyes. There was no way to explain that he’d been brooding about screwing up one of the few things in his life that he truly cared about without sounding like a complete fool.

“First, you puke all over the control room and then you get yourself barbecued!”

“You weren’t supposed to know about the puking.” Rodney was aware he sounded like an idiot. He had to think logically, not emotionally. “And the events are un-related.” They weren’t, but he’d said it to try to make it true. “Stop yelling. You’re just mad because of your precious team.”

Sheppard’s glare could’ve cracked the windshield. “You’re damn right I am. I don’t leave people behind.”

“You left me behind.” Rodney had to say it once. It wasn’t accurate, but it had felt that way. He wanted Sheppard to lash out at him, deny it, tell him that he’s wrong. Instead the silence wore at him, and he slumped a little lower in his seat. “You didn’t. I saw you try in that meeting. That’s why I puked. Well, that, and the fact that I could prove the Unification Theory now and someone would say, ‘Yeah, but he blew up a solar system!’ And everyone would nod their heads!”

“I guess we all have our black marks to carry,” Sheppard said quietly. That effectively ended the conversation. Rodney knew all about Sheppard’s black mark and there had been dead people involved in that one too. It wasn’t the same, at all, except that it was.

“They’re running out of places to send me,” Rodney muttered. “Perhaps Elizabeth could trade me to the Genii for a nuclear bomb.”

Sheppard’s laugh was harsh. “I don’t think we should tempt her.”

The rest of the trip passed in silence. Rodney tried very hard not to groan any longer. Sheppard parked the jumper and gave him a long look.

“What?” Rodney waited to hear that he was being abandoned here without access to technology for the good of the galaxy . He couldn’t quite meet Sheppard’s blazing brown eyes.

“Your arm still aches?”

The question floored Rodney. That was the absolute last thing he’d expected to come out of Sheppard’s mouth. “When it’s cold, rainy, or I see a Genii, yes.” He tried not to lift his chin, but he felt very intimidated by Sheppard’s apparent anger.

“You saved us that night, but you can’t win them all, Rodney.” Sheppard grabbed him under the shoulder. “Come on. Teyla wants to see you.”

“Oh, ow.” But Rodney didn’t put much energy into it. He forced his legs to work and bumbled after Sheppard down the ramp. “So you’re saying it sorta evens out?”

Sheppard steadied him. “You blew up a solar system.”

“Not all of it.” Rodney would never concede that last bit. “I’ll just have to save your ass six or seven more times to make up for it.” He nearly tripped over some brush on the thin trail that they were following. “If Elizabeth doesn’t ship me to Earth, and if I don’t die from muscle pain!”

“Trying to sneak up on us?” Ronon drawled, leaning against a tree and scratching his back.

“Right.” Sheppard smiled – his big one – and Rodney had seen it so rarely that he gasped. He knew they’d write it off to complaining so he wasn’t worried, but wow.

Ronon took point the rest of the way, and Rodney wasn’t surprised to find Sheppard on his six. The smell of food was the giveaway that they were almost there, and he felt his stomach grumble. Food would be good.

The Athosians were nomadic farmers, which made no sense, but the level of comfort in their tents proved to him long ago that they were smart nomadic farmers. Of course, he still had to pee in a ditch so hopefully they wouldn’t spend the night.

Teyla came out of a tent and smiled. He assumed it wasn’t for him, but she took him by the shoulders and ducked her head. Tentatively, he did the same. It was much more intimate than a handshake, and he felt his face redden.

“It is good to see you, Rodney.”

“In one piece,” Ronon said.

“The uncooked version,” Sheppard drawled. Rodney felt a tightness in his chest. Teyla’s smile grew wider, and he flinched from Ronon’s huge paw of a hand that dropped on his shoulder.

“Don’t hug him. He’ll cry.” Sheppard was so funny, but he had a point. Rodney patted Ronon nervously on the arm.

Teyla laughed and escorted him to a tent. They all went inside, and Rodney moaned at the sight of all the food laid out. Sheppard gave him a push, and he yelped before finding a seat and brandishing his fork-like thing.

“Don’t make me hurt you,” Rodney said, trying to growl. It was very weak, but he’d gain strength as he ate, and he wasn’t quitting until his stomach hurt as bad as his legs. “Thanks for inviting me to lunch,” he said around his first mouthful. He felt like he had to say something since these were the only people on the planet besides Zelenka who weren’t still pissed at him about Doranda. Sheppard had moved on to being mad about the lightning thing.

“What’s it like when the lightning hits you?” Ronon asked right before he took a huge bite of something like chicken but better tasting.

Rodney wasn’t going to stop eating to talk, nothing new about that. “Didn’t hit me.”

Sheppard’s glare was back. “Close enough. All the hair on your body stands on end and your brain seizes up.”

“Cool.” Ronon grinned.

Everyone rolled their eyes, even Teyla. Rodney made sure to swallow before he choked. He still had this. He’d thought he’d lost it, but he hadn’t, and a relief so profound that for a moment he couldn’t swallow swept over him. It must have shown on his face because Sheppard nudged him with a knee.

“Eat,” Sheppard said gruffly. Rodney made sure not to look or lean into him. Jinto stuck his head in the tent door, and Rodney shoved his mouth full. Kids always got the good stuff.

Falling asleep in a pile of furs and blankets after his khakis wanted to pop was the most natural thing in the world. Someone pulled off his boots, but he didn’t really stir. Waking up took forever, but thirst and his bladder insisted, and he squeaked in surprise when Ronon picked him up and put him on his feet. “I’m awake!”

“Finally.” Ronon kept his hand wrapped around the back of Rodney’s neck. “You gonna fall down?”

Rodney hoped not since his head would be pulled off. He had swayed, but he was fine now. “You yanked me up too fast! I’m fine!” He found his boots and got them on, praying he didn’t fall over. “Is it time to run?”

“Funny.” Sheppard came through the tent door. “Come on.”

First, he had to piss. Then he was willing to trudge around in the wilderness until something ate him. “Okay, are you going to watch?” Sheppard and Ronon weren’t leaving. They turned their backs at the exact same time, and Rodney got it done fast. “Okay. Where now?”

They pointed, and he followed to another tent on the other side of the encampment. “Do I have to fix something?”

Ronon pulled back the flap, and Sheppard pushed him. “Have fun.”

Rodney didn’t like the sound of that. He nearly turned to run, but his legs were still wobbly, and a little trust wouldn’t kill him.

“Dr. McKay?”

“That’s me.” He waved at the older gentleman and tried not to panic. “Do you, uh, need me to fix something?”

The laughter wasn’t harsh. “I am here to fix you.” He handed Rodney a robe. “Disrobe behind the screen.”

“What?” Rodney clutched his arms across his chest. He bolted out the door before he thought about it. Unfortunately, Sheppard was directly in the way. He caught him by the arms.

“He’s a masseuse or whatever the equivalent is here. Go back inside.” Sheppard flipped him around and pushed. Rodney nearly fell into the tent. The older man hadn’t moved an inch.

“I’m going to get you for this!” Rodney yelled as he took the robe. Getting naked was not his favorite thing, and he absolutely refused to remove his boxers. The robe was nice enough, but he felt like a fool when he stepped out. Thankfully, no one was there. That ended soon enough.

“I am Gandir. I will assist you.” He helped Rodney lay on a very large fur, face-down of course. “Our people believe only the truly blessed survive the lightning.”

Rodney managed not to snort. “Luck. It was luck.” He also had a few good friends who had saved his ass. That made him groan as big, strong hands pulled down the robe. He was so in their debt, and right after he’d screwed up major. “Crap.”

“I am sorry?” The hands had just barely touched him, and he tried to restrain a deep flinch.

“No, um, you’re fine.” Rodney wanted to run so very far away, but he’d lie here and take it. Sheppard had set it up. The least Rodney could do was this. It might not hurt too badly. He nearly dashed out the door again at the first touch. After thirty tense seconds, he relaxed his death grip on the poor dead animal skin underneath him. Ten seconds after that, he was sure he was turning into pudding. It wasn’t long until he stopped thinking, probably for the first time in his life. No wonder he’d avoided this particular activity. Of course, in his fantasy it had been a buxom blonde rubbing his back, not a huge guy with a crooked nose and hands that could raise the dead.

“I can feel the residual energy in your body.”

“That’s my sparkling personality.” Rodney could barely talk. His tongue felt numb. He was going to have to clamp his lips together to keep from moaning and groaning. Lassitude grabbed him by the scruff of the neck and gave him a good shake, and he wallowed in it until he realized he was now on his back with a large man massaging his thighs. This… was not good, and there was no way to run.

“That hurts,” Rodney said, trying to drive him away.

It didn’t work. “Breathe evenly. You will feel better when I’m done.”

Rodney put his arm over his eyes and gave up. He didn’t protest as he was flipped several times like a pancake, all the while those hands never stopped moving. His dick liked it very much. His brain freaked out, wanting to dribble out his ears and run back to Atlantis screaming. No, he’d run all the way back to the Milky Way, where he’d found women attractive.

“Oh my God,” he whispered. He’d thought it. He’d actually gone ahead and formed the thought. Now it was real. Now he was doomed. At least he could blame it on the massage. Desperately, he searched for examples of women that he found attractive and came up with a least a dozen. There were even a few he’d like to date. His lungs filled with air again, and he was able to look steadily at the man touching him.

Just a guy. No big deal. It wasn’t as if it were Sheppard crouching over him. Rodney’s eyes bulged and his hands came up to shove him away. It wasn’t possible. His hands trembled, his heart raced, and he groaned loudly.

“I am so screwed.” Rodney let his hands drop. He shut his eyes and let the big guy do what he wanted. His stupid cock enjoyed every minute of it, but he refused to pretend it was Sheppard.

*********

“McKay.”

“Please don’t torture me any longer,” Rodney mumbled before he was completely awake. A touch of resentment followed that. “Can I go home now?”

Sheppard put his hands on his hips and tilted his head. “Do you want to go back?”

Rodney hadn’t expected that. The truth blurted out, “No, I was just whining.” He flushed, unsure, and realized he was dressed in his boxers – nothing else. Tugging the fur closer, he felt vulnerable with Sheppard standing practically over him. “I should dress. You should leave.”

Folding up his long legs, Sheppard sat down next to him. Rodney automatically clutched the fur and scooted several inches further away. “This was an elaborate plan to lull me so you could kill me, right?”

“Right.” Sheppard rubbed his forehead. “Rodney, it’s time to make nice with Elizabeth.”

“I’ve apologized, begged, groveled, done everything but commit seppuku!”

“You argued every step of the way!” Sheppard leaned in to make his point. “You keep giving excuses! It’s time to tell her she was right, you were wrong, and the next time she tells you to stand down, you will!”

Breath seemed to catch in his lungs. His perfect response to that died before it reached his voice box. He forced his hands not to flop around like fish. “Didn’t I do that?”

“No.”

“Okay. I will. I would stand down, right?” Rodney wasn’t really asking him. The rush, the pure excitement of the project had been so intoxicating. “I would’ve stopped if you’d have told me.”

Sheppard shrugged. “Maybe. Maybe not. You were pretty damn stubborn about the whole thing, and saying that Radek was jealous? That was low.”

“I told him I was sorry, and I am.” Rodney still didn’t think Sheppard understood one thing about the separate reality that research scientists lived in, but that didn’t matter. Radek wasn’t like that. Rodney sighed heavily. “Fine. I will throw myself at her feet again, but you need to get over this whole team business.”

“You’ll be cleared for off-world soon.” Sheppard sounded sure of that. “You won the battle, now it’s time to lose the war.”

“I really hate military metaphors.” Rodney groaned, but he would do it. It was the right thing to do. That settled in his mind, he happened to notice that Sheppard was close enough to touch, to smell. Veering away from that line of thought, he waited for him to leave. Sheppard didn’t move. He raised one eyebrow, like a Vulcan, and that was always annoying. Rodney cleared his throat. “Anything else?”

The temperature in the tent had definitely gone up, and he tried very hard not to faint. Sheppard’s eyes were scorching Rodney through the fur. Hesitantly, his hand came up, and Rodney had plenty of time to get out of the way, but he was frozen from the heat.

Fingers brushed the length of his mouth, and he could feel his pulse in his neck racing out of control. Words would spoil it so he viciously bit them back. Sheppard looked him right in the eye and there was a warmth there that Rodney couldn’t deny.

“You through running from this?” Sheppard’s voice was low, and his fingers fell away.

“Me?” Rodney managed to crack the word in two. He also wasn’t real sure about the volume. It might’ve been inaudible. Swallowing, he tried again, “You were so angry.”

“You nearly killed us both,” Sheppard growled. “I put my ass on the line for you with Elizabeth.”

Rodney couldn’t feel any worse about that. “I will never ask for you to do that again,” he promised. “I-”

Sheppard shut Rodney’s mouth with another gentle touch. “Leave that for another day. I wouldn’t have been so angry, if I didn’t…” His voice faded away.

The sudden silence was full of words that Sheppard wouldn’t say and Rodney couldn’t fill in for him. That was Teyla’s job, and she wasn’t here, thank God. Rodney felt a sudden breeze across his chest. He’d dropped the fur. That was something. He nearly snatched it back up, but he tried to stay calm. Fainting would look bad about now.

“Are you going to pass out?” John smirked at him.

“Can I?” Rodney was aware that he’d said nothing intelligent since this conversation had begun. He struggled to find something, but all he came up with was one stupid word. “Thanks.” It didn’t mean near enough, but it was all he had. Sheppard rolled his eyes, restoring normalcy to the world.

“Are you hungry, buddy?” Sheppard shifted around and gave him a hard tug, and he nearly screeched like a cat when he ended up with his head in Sheppard’s lap. “We could go eat.”

“It can wait,” Rodney wheezed. He did feel better after his massage, and lying here was kinda nice, and he wasn’t all that hungry. Sheppard gave out a soft snort that meant he wasn’t surprised and tucked the fur around him.

“Too smart to be so dumb,” Sheppard muttered.

Rodney decided not to mention his stunted childhood and lack of personal relationships that had more than once led him astray. He was a very intelligent man, except when he was a fool, and that happened enough to keep him insecure about life in general. Sheppard’s hand came to rest on Rodney’s arm and all thought fled. When his brain cells settled back into his cerebral cortex, he let out all the air he’d been holding.

“Thanks.”

Sheppard said nothing and made no sound that could be interpreted as anything. Rodney shifted enough to be more comfortable and resisted sleep. He would lie here and try to figure out what this all meant. It might take a while.

*********

Elizabeth had that look on her face. Rodney fiddled with the zipper on his jacket, putting off the words that were sticking in his mouth. She crossed her arms. He sighed.

“I’m sorry I screwed up. Next time, I won’t let the heat of the moment go to my head. I promise.” He’d do his best, and he tried hard to look sincere. “I mean it.”

The lines around her eyes smoothed and she nodded. “Thank you, Rodney. Did you enjoy your stay on the mainland?”

That was her subtle way of telling him she knew that Sheppard had made this happen. Rodney went with a Sheppard-like shrug. “Food was good. Bathrooms would be nice. I need to check with Radek about my bomb, so if you’ll excuse me?”

“A bomb?” Elizabeth’s eyebrows went up and stayed there.

Rodney forced himself to smile. “A cloaked bomb.” He went ahead and explained further. “I’m hoping to tie the propulsion system into the cloak.”

“Sounds interesting. Miko hadn’t mentioned it.” She let him know that she wanted real briefings from now on, but he wasn’t sure she’d get him back that easily. Trust worked both ways, and he would always believe that grounding him had been an act of revenge. He was tempted to ask if he was cleared for Sheppard’s team, but that would probably be pushing his luck.

“It’s my pet project.” Rodney turned to go but said, “This has given Miko some confidence that she needed.”

Elizabeth nodded. She smiled, but it was very small. “Thank you, Rodney.”

Walking out without another word was the right thing to do, but he probably wouldn’t have made it if he hadn’t seen Sheppard talking to Chuck. Sheppard had taken no chances that Rodney would run away before apologizing. Rodney stuck his hands in his pockets, lowered his head, and trudged past him like a whipped pup. But later, oh, later, Sheppard was going to hear about this – in technicolor.

*********

“What do you do if someone tries to punch you?”

“Run.”

“Shoot you?”

“Hide behind something substantial, like you.”

“Kick you?”

“Again, with the running. Especially when confronted with knives.” Rodney was very unsure about this, but he’d said he’d do it, and here he was. “Remember when we met, I was running.”

“Mostly you were hanging upside down.” Ronon grinned. “Do you like to punch people?”

Rodney could only stare for a moment. “Are you nuts? It hurts!”

“Shoot people?”

“I don’t mind shooting Wraith, when I can hit them. People, not so much.” Rodney began to think they were going to talk instead of work out, and that was fine with him.

Ronon tilted his head, a knife appeared in his hand, and he slashed at him. Rodney froze from pure fear. Ronon could kill him so easily.

“Why aren’t you running?”

“Too scared?” Rodney hoped his heart was still beating. He rubbed his chest.

“We have a lot of work to do.” Ronon tucked the knife away. He turned and scooped up a wooden sword. Rodney got ready to run.

*********

“You’ve been avoiding me since we got back from the mainland.” Sheppard tossed Rodney a power bar before slouching into a nearby chair.

Rodney ate the bar first. He’d skipped dinner in favor of running simulations. “Yeah,” he admitted, making sure he had every crumb. “Not sure what to say.”

“You?” Sheppard smiled, and his eyes twinkled. “Is that a first?”

“Yeah.” Rodney used his brilliant vocabulary to its utmost. He shut his laptop and stopped looking at him. When he’d woken up in the tent, he’d been alone. Sheppard had crept away while Rodney slept. Rodney couldn’t exactly blame him. It had taken him all of two seconds to realize that he’d misinterpreted

Sheppard’s actions. “I’m, uh, going.” He stretched his back and shuffled towards the door.

Sheppard slid in front of him. “You’re mad because of Elizabeth?”

Stepping around him wasn’t possible. Rodney stared at his boots. “No. You were right.”

“You hate that.” Sheppard sounded amused. Rodney remembered that he’d been going to yell and create new heights of snappy metaphors to teach Sheppard never to mess with Rodney’s problems again. Instead, he sighed. It wasn’t worth it.

“Blah, blah. Take your laurels and leave.” Rodney waved his hand. “I’m tired. Move now?”

They shifted, and Rodney started for his quarters. Some sleep might be nice. Objectively, he knew he should be yelling at someone, but he didn’t have energy.

“Still sore?” Sheppard was right behind him.

Rodney didn’t want to talk about that. It was better. He’d said thank you several times to Teyla and Gandalf, or whatever his name was. Sheppard was still following him. Rodney stopped when he got to his door.

Without turning, he found some words. “Thanks again.” He felt his face turn red. That hadn’t been what he wanted to say.

“Huh. I seem to have broken your vocabulary.” Sheppard opened the door and nudged him inside. He went, going to his bed and sitting down to take off his boots. Talking was one thing he never got tired of doing, but all he could do was stare. Sheppard smirked. “That’s a first.”

Staring down at his boots, he considered putting them back on and going back to work.

Sheppard stepped closer and put his hand on Rodney’s shoulder. “The quiet is freaking me out.” He slowly sank down next to him. “Yell at me, please.”

That did sound nice. Rodney pressed the heels of his hands into his eyes and took a deep breath. He should have something to say. “Just tell me it was all a joke and leave, and things will go back to normal.”

“What was a joke?” Sheppard sounded confused, but Rodney wasn’t sure he wanted to look at him. It would only make this harder, and his chest felt like it might explode as it was. Sheppard gave him a small shake. “Rodney.”

“You, touching, me.” Rodney had to run, and he moved across the room, near the door. “I’m very sure I misinterpreted things because I have no social skills, which you’ve pointed out once or twice, so laugh and leave, okay?”

Leaning back slightly, Sheppard didn’t move from the bed. He shifted his hips and narrowed his eyes. Rodney waited for him to say something instead of looking so damn gorgeous. He didn’t. He lifted his hand and crooked his finger. Rodney groaned from the depths of his soul, not sure what scared him more; rejection or acceptance. He lifted his hands in a sign of surrender, locked the door, and went to him.

“What?” Rodney refused to sit, but standing over him felt wrong. Sheppard made the decision for him, taking him by the shirt and pulling straight down. He didn’t even feel his knees touch the floor. His blood pounded through his veins, and he was sure he made some ridiculous noise as he was tucked into Sheppard’s chest. “John?”

“I’d given up on ever hearing that.” John thumped him in the middle of the forehead. Rodney slumped down to sit between John’s legs and bravely leaned his head against John’s thigh. If this were true, he might be so shocked, he’d never speak again. For a few minutes. John stroked his hand down to Rodney’s neck and rested it there. “Ronon wear you out?”

Rodney wrapped his hand around John’s leg. Touching wasn’t something he did. He’d learned early not to, not ever. It only led to feeling worse. Tightening his hand, he touched him anyway. “Ronon’s crazy. Not that that’s a bad thing in this galaxy.”

Lips brushed his temple, and he shuddered. John whispered, “Okay?”

The answer to that was so easy, and he knew they’d never talk about why or how or even what it meant. “Yeah.”

John pulled, and Rodney went, and clothes came off easier than ever, and he couldn’t seem to catch his breath, and he sincerely hoped next time he could think while it all happened, but he wasn’t going to count on it. John turned Rodney’s brain to mush.

He woke up alone. Of course. Groaning in pure frustration, he rolled to his back. He still didn’t know what it meant. The touch of a warm washcloth made his eyes fly open. John cleaned him off without a word. Rodney trembled, ashamed of everything. It burned away in anger, and he grabbed him.

“Why?” he demanded.

John looked down at the hand on his arm. “The right thing is the right thing.”

“Yes, but why now?” Rodney wasn’t going to turn him loose, maybe not ever. He ignored the shrug, the sigh, and the look of frustration. “Tell me.”

“I hate seeing you miserable! Okay?” John ground out the words.

Rodney saw red for a moment. “I was miserable because of you!”

John sat down more on him than the bed. “I know.”

Two little words that made it all better. Rodney let go but moved his hand to John’s chest. “I didn’t intentionally misuse your trust.” He hadn’t. He hoped. He didn’t remember it that way. “I’ll try hard. Really hard.”

“I know.” John put his hand on Rodney’s mouth again. “These beds are stupid. I’m going to go sleep in my quarters.”

It was true. They were. Rodney would fix it. He leaned up and tried to hold him close without seeming like he wanted to hold him. John didn’t shove him away, and they both started breathing again.

“Bye.”

“Later.” John dragged his lips the length of Rodney’s jaw, nibbling as he went. Rodney ran his hand through John’s spiky hair like he’d always wanted. This time, he was going to remember details. He hoped.

*********

“Do I have to go on tava bean missions?”

John rolled his eyes. “Yes.” Short and succinct.

“I should re-program the sensors to lead us to the best crops,” Rodney muttered. He wanted to work on his bomb, but he was going. “Do I look fat in this Tac-vest?”

“That’s it. I’m done.” John straightened his holster for the third time. “I’ll see you in the mess hall.” He bolted out the door. Rodney laughed softly and finished loading up on power bars. Never could have enough of those. Forget ammo. He adjusted his gun again and smiled. Yes, he’d screwed up, but there was no Russia in his future, and that Nobel Prize had never seemed less important.

His radio clicked. “Rodney, there are cinnamon biscuits.”

“On my way.”

**********

the end