Chapter Text
It’s far too hot for mid-September. Even inside the cramped dorm room, Mike can feel sweat bead up in the inside of his knee. Everyone has decided to convene in Mike and Lucas’s room, even though the girl’s dormitory is larger. It wouldn’t be that bad if their AC unit wasn’t on the fritz and all of the warmth from everyone’s breath and bodies didn’t stay stuffed up in the air.
It doesn’t help that El is lying with her head in his lap, and the temperature of her skin allows his own no chance to breathe. He would push her away, but Will is pressed up against his side, leaning over his shoulder to try and get a better glimpse at the paper in her hands. Even though Will’s touch makes him feel warm all over, that is one thing he won’t dare to get rid of, so El has to stay too.
“It’s too bad I can’t draw you for the assignment, Mike.” Will complains, breath sticky against the side of Mike’s neck. Mike can feel his face heat up hotter than any other part of his body.
“For the naked figure painting?” He squeaks out, and it’s mortifying how high-pitched his voice has become.
“My professor is like in love with you or something. Every time I draw you, she gives me an A.” Will announces, and Mike feels entirely too overwhelmed.
“That assignment is about bodies, though?” Mike chokes out, and Dustin giggles from above.
“You made him nervous, Will.” Dustin laughs, and Mike would scowl at him if he could see his face.
“Yeah, but I’m not going to draw your body without including your face.” Will says to Mike like it should be obvious, ignoring Dustin’s comment. “Plus, she said we have to include the head because she doesn’t want us drawing ourselves.”
“Can’t you still draw yourself and just draw a different face on top?” Lucas asks, pausing his homework to look at Will pointedly.
“Yeah, probably.” He shrugs as if not entirely put off by the idea but not fully convinced either.
“Don’t all art classes have those nude models, too? Why don’t you guys just get some of those? This is one of the most prestigious art schools in the country.” Mike questions, and it is genuinely serious. Why wouldn’t Will use one of those models instead of suggesting that he wants to draw Mike naked?
“Yeah, they do, but we don’t have any for this assignment, and I have no idea how to even begin trying to find one for private use.” Will frowns.
“It’s like a sort of art prostitute.” Max grins, and Will lightens just a bit.
“Exactly. It’s not like you can just find one in the paper.” Will laments, and Mike wants to say anything to get them off the topic, but he doesn’t know what.
“That is silly, Will. Just draw Mike. He can be your art prostitute.” El hums as she flips the paper in her hands, turning to the next page of hopeless romantic shouts. She sounds out the word prostitute, as if it’s a brand-new word for her.
“What? Why does it have to be—” Mike starts, but Will cuts him off.
“That’s what I was think—Oh my God, who writes something like that for the public?” Will laughs, leaning over Mike’s shoulder even further and pointing at one of the columns.
“I like the ones like that the best!” El turns her head to look at Will, her hair tickling the inside of Mike’s thigh as it falls against it.
“Can’t you guys please read your stupid paper elsewhere?” Mike complains, though it’s all bark and no bite and they all know it.
“I like listening to it.” Max chimes in from where she sits on Lucas’s bed, flipping mindlessly through a Wonder Woman comic she’s probably read a billion times already.
“Me too. It makes me feel better about Suzie.” Dustin agrees from where he’s lying on Mike’s bed, uninvited.
Mike looks over to Lucas for help. “I mean it is kinda interesting, man.” He shrugs, and when Mike sends him a dirty look, he has the decency to mouth an apology.
“Whatever, I don’t care if you guys read it. Just don’t do it on my lap when it’s eight-hundred degrees outside.” Mike sighs, finally pushing El’s head off his lap.
“You are no fun, Mike.” She says with the cluck of her tongue as she situates herself next to Will so that they can continue to read. Will doesn’t make a move to shift from his position pressed up against Mike.
“Yeah, Mike. Like listen to this one,” Will starts, dramatically clearing his throat and wiggling the paper in a way that makes El giggle. “This one says ‘wanted: stunning, sexy, inexperienced lady to pull university professor out of the depths of boredom and show him a good time’.”
Mike’s interest is only mildly piqued. “What about it? They all sound like that.”
Will rolls his eyes. “That’s just it, Mike. You’re not thinking of the possibilities.”
“Possibilities?” Mike echoes sarcastically, and he can hear Max laugh at him from across the room.
“This could be any of our professors. You’re the storyteller, just use your imagination.” Will scolds, stressing the words as if that will make the idea of fantasizing about professors wanting to get fucked any more enticing.
“Yeah, it wouldn’t surprise me if it was my chemistry professor. He got a divorce from his high school sweetheart, like, a couple weeks ago. Cancelled class because of it and everything; it was terrible.” Dustin pipes up.
“Or maybe it was Dr. Moore from University Seminar, Mike. Remember how weird he was with the girls in our class?” Lucas wrinkles his nose up in disgust as he remembers, but the thought of Dr. Moore trying to find love through the university’s Lonely Hearts Club paper does make Mike crack a smile.
“Look, he’s smiling!” El points out, and even Dustin sits up to catch a glimpse.
“Oh, whatever. Maybe it’s funny sometimes. That doesn’t mean it’s not dumb the other ninety-nine percent of the time.” Mike defends, and Max makes a noise of discontentment.
“The only thing around here that’s dumb ninety-nine percent of the time is you and we still let you hang around.” She comments, and it earns a laugh from everyone in the room.
Mike shoots daggers toward Will, who stops laughing but can’t hide the smile. He shrugs in a way that tells Mike that he’s not really sorry at all for laughing, and Mike hates the way that his heart flutters as he watches Will’s eyes crinkle in the corners. He can feel his face heat up embarrassingly red, so he decides to run away, just like he does best. He looks at El as he speaks, not wanting to even glance in Will’s direction again.
“I’m just saying that it’s sort of pathetic to have to get your romantic conquests from a newspaper.” Mike states, and Max tosses her comic to the side of the bed.
“It’s more pathetic to never have a romantic conquest.” Max says pointedly, looking at Mike through her eyebrows.
“What are you talking about? I’ve had a romantic conquest.” Mike is hostile as he says it.
“Yeah, with me. When we were fourteen.” El chimes in with a voice that aims to diminish their past relationship and Mike feels betrayed.
“She’s kind of right, Mike.” Lucas agrees, and Mike snaps his head in his direction, not enjoying how it seems to be ‘Everyone-Gang-Up-On-Mike Day’.
“Just because you guys can’t understand the concept of not wanting to be in a relationship.” Mike grumbles.
“That excuse doesn’t work when we know you do like being in a relationship.” Dustin says, shifting to where his legs are against the wall and his head hangs backwards off the bed.
“If I enjoyed being in a relationship, don’t you think I’d be in one right now?” Mike asks, though he’s talking entirely out of his ass.
Mike does like the idea of being in a relationship. Mike has always loved love, deep in his heart. He would read comic books and watch movies and dream about such an intrinsic love like Spider-Man and Gwen Stacy or Han Solo and Princess Leia. It just so happens that the person he wants to be in a relationship with doesn’t really want the same. Mike isn’t a person who enjoys pretending—he’d done that enough when he was with El for ten lifetimes, and at this point in his life, Mike doesn’t know if he has it in him to act again.
“No offense, Wheeler, but it’s not like you have a line of girls out the door waiting to throw their hats in the ring.” Max says with raised brows, and Mike furrows his in offense.
“Just because you say ‘no offense’ doesn’t make what you say any less offensive.” Mike scolds, and Max shrugs.
“I just think it’s good to focus on my education and career above a relationship. While I’m maintaining high honors, you guys are too busy swapping spit to study.” Mike says pointedly, but it just makes Max groan.
“I’m literally doing homework right now while you’re whining about your love life.” Lucas points out, motioning to his homework as if to ask, ‘are you not seeing this?’
“He’s right. That’s a terrible excuse, Mike. Just admit you can’t get any play, it’s okay. We’ve all seen you, we understand.” Max grins, and Mike thinks he might tolerate Nancy more than he tolerates Max.
“No, he makes a good point guys. I mean, I don’t really date either and no one says anything about me.” Will pipes up, and Mike feels his body flood with relief knowing that someone is on his side—the person he wants on his side the most, even.
“Exactly. Thank you, Will.” Mike appreciates, and Will sends him a small smile that kicks his heart into overdrive.
“That’s only because we just haven’t gotten to you yet. Plus, you’re cuter than Mike. You’re not as hopeless.” Max says, and Mike scowls.
“Hey!” He protests weakly, but one look at Will’s doe eyes reminds him that she’s more than correct about that.
“You two need to get laid.” Max says plainly because she does nothing if not say it like it is.
“I don’t need to get laid. Jesus Christ, Max. I just don’t want to date someone right now.” Mike can feel himself getting properly angry, and he doesn’t mean to, but he doesn’t want to be examined this closely.
“You know what we should do, Max?” El pipes up, and Mike can tell by her thinking face and shit-eating grin that she is up to absolutely no good.
Max raises an eyebrow in interest. “What?”
“We should set them up with the twins. You know, Lori and Lisa?” El suggests, and Mike watches Will’s mouth drop open at the same time as his own.
“Oh my God, that’s a great idea. You guys would love them.” Max’s voice has risen slightly in excitement, and Mike knows that there’s nothing more they’ll be able to say to get her to drop this.
“I really don’t think that’s necessary.” Will comments with hiked brows, and Mike is quick to nod his head in agreement.
“It totally is. Not to get sentimental or anything, but you both have seemed a bit off lately. I think something like this would help, and I really do think you guys would love them.” Max softens just enough for Mike to feel a little bad about trying to decline.
“She’s not wrong. I’ve met Lori and you would love her, Mike. She’s basically Will if he was a girl.” Lucas drops this as if hearing it won’t ruin Mike’s entire week.
Without meaning to, his eyes immediately find Will. He sits wide-eyed, surprised, as he shifts his gaze to look at Mike. He hadn’t expected Lucas’s comment either, and judging by the light dusting of pink on his cheekbones, it made him feel just as awkward as Mike.
“That was a crazy thing to say.” Mike all but whispers, having no courage left to speak up.
“Are you saying he’s wrong? If Will was a girl, I swear you guys would be married by now.” Dustin grins, and Mike feels suddenly sick to his stomach.
“I’m right here, guys.” Will states meekly, and Dustin shrugs.
“You’d marry Mike if he were a girl, too.” He says, and Will cradles his face with his palm.
“Is there anything we can do to get out of this?” Mike begs, and Max tilts her head in thought.
“If you guys can prove you’re at least trying to talk to someone new within the next week, I obviously won’t set you up on a date with someone.” Max offers, and Mike clings to that like a lifeboat.
“No problem. Now get out of my dorm.” Mike commands, and El pouts as she collects her newspaper.
“We’ve only been here for an hour.” She complains, and Mike stares at her.
“Which is way too long. I have to get ready for class. Go.” He points to the door, and she sighs, rolls up the paper, and heads out.
Dustin hops off the bed and claps both him and Will on the shoulder.
“Good luck, soldiers. They’ll never let this go.” He says, as if that will somehow make them feel any better.
“Thanks, Dustin.” Mike says sarcastically, but Dustin just waves a hand over his shoulder as if to say ‘no problem’ and trails behind El.
Max and Lucas leave together to go to something Mike hadn’t paid attention to, and though he didn’t request Will to stay behind, the boy does it anyways. He stays quiet until Mike locks his door, and then he complains. Will loves to do it, but most of the time he saves it for the moments where it’s just the two of them because they’re always on the same page.
“Can you believe them?” Will questions, walking over and climbing the ladder to reach Mike’s lofted bed as if it’s his own.
Mike lets him do it, following close behind. They lie beside each other, staring up at the ceiling as if it’ll swallow them whole if they look at it for long enough.
“It’s your fault for getting El obsessed with that stupid Lonely Hearts Club paper.” Mike mumbles, and Will looks at him tiredly.
“Can you just shut up about the paper. It’s fun.” He sighs, turning back to look at the ceiling again.
“I don’t get what you find so entertaining about it. It’s pure drama.”
“It is, but it’s a guilt-free way of engaging in it. No names, no attachments.” Will defends, and maybe Mike can sort of understand it in that light.
“Yeah, but it’s still pathetic.”
“That’s what makes it fun. Imagine trying to find the love of your life in a two-hundred-word column in a school newspaper.”
“Yeah, okay. I guess it is kind of funny as long as you’re aware of how ridiculous it is.” Mike relents, and it makes Will light up.
“Exactly! And it’s so funny to imagine who wrote them. Like imagine the grossest kid from your creative writing class trying to find a hot girl to screw through the paper.” Will is positively cheesing, face grimacing as he more than likely imagines the grossest kid from his own classes doing the same.
Mike cracks a grin, and he doesn’t know if it’s because the idea is actually funny or if it’s just because Will is so passionate about this that it’s endearing.
“You’re an addict.” Mike tries to tease, but love bites at every word. Will bumps his shoulder gently in an effort to get him to knock it off.
“I didn’t give you this much shit when you were so obsessed with Supergirl you had me drawing her with your D&D character.” Will criticizes, and Mike flushes with the memory.
He liked Supergirl, but he always liked Superman more. He just knew even from early on that he should like Supergirl more, so he’d have Will draw him with her and just imagine. He’d try to ignore the long hair and the boobs and just imagine himself with Superman. It would always make him blush and he’d hide the papers under his bed so he could pretend he wasn’t imagining what he’d been imagining.
“That was back when we were like twelve.” Mike murmurs.
“I still didn’t give you shit for it.” Will shrugs.
“What are we supposed to do about Max and El?” Mike questions, getting back on track to solve the more pressing matter at hand.
“I don’t know. Maybe one date wouldn’t be that bad.” Will frowns, and Mike sends him a look that has him immediately backtracking.
“No, you’re right. I don’t want to do it either. Maybe we should put our own columns in the paper.” Will grins, and Mike looks at him pointedly again.
“If you keep shooting down my ideas like this, we’re going to have no option but to go on the dates.” Will scowls.
Mike shrugs. “Maybe if you had good ideas, I wouldn’t shoot them down.”
“You know, you and Max are kind of just the same person.” Will comments, and Mike jerks his head to look at him.
“Never say that to me again.” He warns, but Will is all smiles like he’d said it just for a reaction.
“I do have another idea. It’s sort of crazy though.” Will alerts cryptically, but Mike is already tilting his head closer to listen.
“If it’s better than your last idea, I’ll do it. I’d do just about anything to get out of this.” He says, prompting Will to elaborate.
Will hesitates for a moment, makes eye contact and then looks down and seems to study the patterns on his socks. “We could always date.”
Mike feels the world stop spinning around him, feels his body lurch forward as if gravity were actually disrupted by the suggestion. His ears have a ringing in them that he’s only ever heard when he’s stood next to a gun being fired off or been in immediate danger. The taste of iron floods his mouth, and it feels as though he’s been chewing on cotton.
“What?” His voice is breathless, a wheeze that could barely be considered a real word.
“You know, like fake-date.” Will says, still avoiding eye contact, and when Mike makes no move to speak, he keeps going.
“I know it sounds crazy but just think about it for a minute. We’re already best friends, so it’s not like we’d have to act any different. I bet if we told everyone, they’d believe us in a heartbeat. And then we won’t have to date anyone, and we can still just be ourselves.” Will spiels.
“That’s…actually not a bad idea.” Mike reluctantly agrees, and Will lets out a harsh breath.
“Right? We already hang out so much and we always sit beside each other and stuff. We’re basically Lucas and Max without the kissing.” Will points out, and Mike tries to stuff down the feeling that he wants to be like Lucas and Max with the kissing.
“Yeah, and it’s not like we’d have to do that around them. I mean, that’s gross.” Mike says instead, and Will nods in agreement.
“Exactly. There’s no change between us, we don’t have to find girlfriends, and we get El and Max out of our hair. And then when we inevitably ‘break up’ because we actually find someone, it won’t be weird because we won’t actually be dating.” Will is excited now, hands moving a mile a minute as he explains just how perfect this all would be.
“This is like the best idea you’ve ever had.” Mike grins, and Will’s face lights up with one to match.
“I know. We can tell everyone soon and just be like ‘we didn’t know how you guys would feel, so we kept it to ourselves’.” Will deepens his voice as he mocks their future dialogue, and Mike swallows harshly to try and keep his body from melting.
“They’ll feel so sorry for us, too. It’ll be perfect.” Mike reaches out a hand, and Will clasps his own in it firmly.
“Pleasure doing business with you.” He beams, letting go of Mike’s hand to shuffle over top of him to climb off of Mike’s bed. The feeling of Will’s stomach and thighs rubbing against his makes Mike need to take a moment before he can sit up.
“You too.” Mike huffs far too late as he watches Will grab his backpack off the floor.
“Good luck in class today. You have biology next, right?” Will backs toward the door, still keeping his eyes trained on Mike as they continue speaking.
“Yeah. All I’ve done for the past three days is look at biology flashcards. They’re burned in my brain.” Mike says as he hops down himself, going to stuff his notebook and pencil in his own backpack.
“I’m sure you’ll do great.” All of the excitement about their plan has simmered down into a softened happiness, and it makes Mike feel so relaxed that every anxiety he’d once had about the test has sort of melted away.
“Thanks, Will. I’ll see you later. We can talk more about this plan tonight or tomorrow morning.” Mike suggests, and Will nods in agreement.
“Well, see ya.” Will says, wheeling around to walk out of Mike’s dorm.
Mike checks the clock once the door closes and realizes he still has over half-an-hour until his class starts. He thinks about what he and Will talked about, about the idea of fake-dating the boy he’s been in love with for years, and he realizes that maybe this isn’t as good of an idea as he once thought. What if the party does get suspicious? What if they don’t believe them? Will they have to put on a show, a display of romantic feelings to get everyone to believe they’re actually dating?
As if he’s being possessed, Mike finds himself pulling out a pen and notebook from his backpack. He begins to write a letter with only a small number of words. As hypocritical as it is, it’s the only way he knows how to get out of the situations he’s put himself in, the only way he knows how to meet someone who might actually be interested in him. He tucks the notebook away, and he heads out to class, taking note of where he needs to head after class to get it published.
It’s a stupid idea, one that will more than likely get him in trouble. At least he has no one that knows it’s him, so he can’t get caught doing this. It’s just that the more Mike thinks about it, the more he knows he will not be able to pretend with Will without making things weird—without making things real. Will doesn’t want that, and frankly, Mike doesn’t either. The last thing he needs is to ruin everything with his best friend because he can’t treat them fake-dating as if it really is just fake.
The note weighs heavy in his pocket, and Mike repeats the words over and over again in his mind as he trudges to the science building.
“Male, 19. A storyteller by heart looking to have someone to write poems about. If you like romantic walks in the park, reading literature together, and being a little nerdy, write The Lonely Hearts Club, NYU.”
He knows he needs to focus again, to get back into the biology mindset, but he can’t stop thinking about the idea of someone reaching out to him, someone writing back to him. He can’t stop thinking about Will. He wonders what Will is going to think when he inevitably reads his pathetic little statement in the paper. He wonders if Will and El will point at it and laugh and if Mike will have to pretend like he’s never seen the words before. He wonders if Will would think it was romantic.
More than anything, Mike wants someone to actually respond. Preferably a girl that none of his friends will know and that will be good enough to let Mike run away from everything that matters. He’ll spend the few bucks and set aside his pride to get someone to get him out of this, and maybe he can actually fall in love with whoever writes him back. Then, he won’t have to fake-date Will or go on a date with Max and El’s friend. Then, Mike can move on and not flush every time his best friend touches him. It’s the only solution, the only reasonable one. All he has to do is just act it out and wait for El to arrive in a couple of days with the paper that will hopefully have the response that will let him stop things with Will before they really begin.