Chapter Text
Andrew goes on r/Sunnydale and posts a photo. He’s standing in a Star Wars pop-up cafe with a bright smile in front of a man dressed as a clone trooper. He gets many upvotes and replies and is pleased with his response. After dressing in a T-shirt and boxers for bed, he gets a message.
Impossible_Elk344: Hey I saw your pop-up cafe post and you’re gorgeous if you don’t mind me saying
I’m from Sunnydale too
Andrew doesn’t mind answering the not creepy messages. And he has gotten creepy and sexually forward DMs posting his face, especially on queer subs. But as this is not one of those, he’s interested in whoever this is. He’s hooked up with someone from Reddit before and it went well.
Andrew: thanks i grew my face myself
Impossible_Elk344: I’m not usually into straight up men btw but you’re special
Andrew: whats a straight up man
Impossible_Elk344: Cis man
Andrew: i could have a boy pussy yk
Impossible_Elk344: Prove it then
I’m kidding
Andrew’s smiling at his screen.
Andrew: you prove it first
Impossible_Elk344: I’ll do it don’t think I won’t
Andrew: first tell me your name your real name
Impossible_Elk344: Warren
Andrew: im andrew
Warren: Okay Andy let’s see that boy pussy of yours
Andrew: ok i dont actually have one
Warren: Yeah because I can clock trans
You totally have a dick
Andrew: you seem really obsessed with whats between my legs
i wanna see a picture of you before we proceed
He doesn’t actually expect him to show himself but he sends an image. It’s a man with dark hair and eyes on a boat from the mid chest up. His hair is damp and partly hanging over his forehead. He’s shirtless and has a copious amount of chest hair—Andrew’s weakness.
Andrew’s cheeks flush and he grins to himself.
Andrew: is this really you
Warren: Reverse image search it
Andrew: it could be ai
Warren links a Facebook page for a Warren Mears. He lives in Sunnydale—it’s indeed the same person. He takes in the sight of him, he’s so very, very attractive and Andrew feels a little lightheaded.
Warren: See
Andrew: ok youre real i get it
and youre not bad
Warren: Thanks I grew my face myself
Do you wanna go out sometime
Andrew expected him to ask to come over and fuck, not go out, but either way is fine with him.
But Andrew feels like playing a little hard to get.
Andrew: sure but first lets back up: i see you post in some fandom subs
He delves deeper into his post history and he’s a bit stumped—he has the worst takes. He calls Sansa Stark a bitch, says Eren Yeager was right, and thinks Kylo Ren was a good villain. But in a weird way it just makes him more appealing.
Warren: And I am right about everything
Andrew: dude youre really hot but wow your takes…
the downvotes agree with me
Warren: So prove me wrong
Andrew: saying eren is right is the biggest yikes
the fact you post in titanfolk lmao
Warren: I’m hurt
Eren was written to have done it for his people it was retconned to make him seem like an idiot
Andrew: npc ass response
Warren: What’s NPC is thinking that ending was good
So do you work or go to school
Andrew: i work at a best buy
Warren: So you know a bit about computers. I’m working on a CS degree focusing on generative AI
Andrew: youre an ai bro?? oh no
Though he does admit to using it on occasion, as an artist and writer, he knows he really shouldn’t.
Warren: You act horrified but you’re still talking to me hmmmm
Andrew: otters are my weakness :(
Warren: Otters?
Andrew: yk bears are fat hairy gay men well otters are thin hairy gay men
Warren: Not gay. You’re an exception
Andrew: youre probably bi
Warren: Heteroflexible
You’re completely gay aren’t you
Andrew: you clocked me
Warren: Are you vers or no
Andrew: vers bottom
Warren: I’m the opposite, I’ve never been with a full on man before just cis and trans girls
Andrew: just fyi im not gonna sext you on the first day i meet you im not THAT slutty but in the future…
Warren: Whatever you want baby I can wait
Andrew: i really gotta go to bed tho
want a goodnight selfie?
Warren: God yes
Andrew shares a selfie of himself lying down on his pillow with his eyes shut as if sleeping.
Andrew: zzz
Warren: Can I tell you I wanna bust all over your face whoops pretend I didn’t send that you said no sexting
Andrew: you can sext me i just wont reply :3
Warren: So when do you wanna go out
Andrew: can you do saturday evening? its valentines day
Warren: Yeah babe
Where you wanna go
Andrew: how about this greek place on 23rd
Warren: Yeah I’ve been there
Sounds good how about 7PM
Andrew: sure
ok goodnight warren
Warren: Goodnight sex kitten
’Sex kitten?’ It’s so corny, but has Andrew heating up.
Andrew scrolls up, saves that photo of him, and looks at it, really imprinting it onto his mind before he jerks himself off. Because he feels weird about doing it directly to someone’s photo. He mainly wants Warren inside him, he needs this Eren defender and AI bro inside him, unfortunately.
***
Andrew wakes up and immediately goes to message Warren to see he’s already sent him something. It’s an image of his Attack on Titan manga volumes.
Warren: I invested so much of my life into this story and it jipped me
Andrew: not isayamas fault you misunderstood eren
Warren: So you’re fan of the breakdown and Eren becoming a cuck
Andrew grimaces, then recalls how hot he is.
Andrew: so youre upset eren isnt getting laid by the character you hate
Warren: Yeah Eren at least deserves to smash the DEI hire once
Andrew: …dei hire shes an asian character created by an asian author
Warren: I’m kidding dw
Andrew rubs his face. Maybe this is a bad idea, he has so many bad opinions surely this will be a problem. But it’s not like he has to date him, he can just hump him some.
Andrew: so what are you up to today
Warren: Class and seeing my parents
Hbu kitten
Andrew: just work
Warren: That’s boring what we should discuss is how much I wanna creampie you
And how Andrew wants that too.
Andrew: horny at 9AM smh
Warren: I’m just saying I am not a fan of condoms and I can show you I’m tested if you want
Andrew: that sounds good. i should get tested before i see you
Warren: Perfect baby
I wanna taste you in my mouth so bad
Loved swallowing cum of a trans girl I bet yours will be even better
Andrew breathes a laugh at the first part, but his skin heats.
Andrew: likewise
He’s often at a loss for how to sext exactly and what to say, but he’s never received any complaints.
Warren: “Likewise” that’s so hot wow
I’m kidding
Andrew actually laughs.
Andrew: sorry im bad at this
Warren: Just exist and I’m happy
Andrew: thats sweet
Warren: What kinks do you have
Andrew: one i really like is having my hair pulled
Warren: Oh perfect because I love pulling hair
You have such pretty blonde hair
Andrew: hehe im aware
Warren: you like spanking or breathplay
Andrew: both yeah
Warren: Omg perfect
We’re gonna have an amazing time baby
-Jean to Mikasa when he finds her at Eren’s grave
(they fuck on his grave and birdren gets a bird boner)
Andrew laughs.
Andrew: youre so very lucky youre hot id have blocked you…
Warren: I get that a lot
Andrew: do you really
Warren: No first time
Mostly I get blocked
And banned
Andrew: so who are your favorite aot characters
mine are mikasa, reiner, and hange
Warren: Eren, Floch, Erwin, Historia
Hisu is one of the few foids I like
I’m kidding
The joke is so bad Andrew cracks up from the sheer absurdity.
Andrew: jesus christ warren
so ig you ship erehisu and thought the baby was erens
Warren: Because I can read yeah
Andrew: you really cant
Warren: Do you like your ass eaten
Now this makes Andrew lose it laughing.
Andrew: you make me laugh ngl
Warren: It’s a legit question
Andrew: ik it is thats why im laughing
and yeah i do
Warren: I wanna eat you so bad
Andrew: likewise
Warren: Fuck that’s sexy
Also I see your post history, gay subs, cooking, cats, drama, memes, fandoms
The gay subs are why I messaged you
Andrew: yk you can see ppls post history on hidden accounts if you do a blank search
Warren's profile is set to hidden.
Warren: Yeah but I’m hoping that some people don’t know that
Andrew: so do you also defend walter white
Warren: :)
Andrew: crying
skyler is a bitch right
Warren: She reminds me of my mother
Andrew: so your mother wants you to not make drugs and kill ppl
Warren: Ikr what a cunt
It’s how I stim jk I’m not ND
Andrew: i have adhd
Warren: Is sucking dick a stim for you I hope so
Andrew laughs.
Andrew: only when it comes to you
Warren: K I gotta go to class sugar I’ll be thinking of you the whole time
Andrew: Likewise at work
Warren: Say likewise one more time mf I dare you
Andrew: mikasa is an amazing character
Warren: That was painful
Ttyl
Andrew gets off his computer and gets ready for work, his conversation with Warren buzzing in his brain. He does indeed think of him for his whole shift, looking forward to when he can get off and properly talk to him again. On his break he sends Warren a Game of Thrones meme.
After his shift he goes to a health clinic to get tested for STDs, the results should come back before their date. He thinks he’s clean, but it’s better to be safe than sorry.
Once home, he goes to get on DoorDash and order some pad thai because he doesn’t feel like cooking when he could be talking to Warren. He hopes he’ll be online.
Warren responds to the meme with a laughing GIF.
Andrew: i went to the clinic and got tested
Around fifteen minutes later, Warren replies with a Family Guy GIF of Peter saying “Who starts a conversation like that? I just sat down.”
Andrew: ffs this was your idea
Warren: Lmao I appreciate it kitten
Also I should have probably told you this before but I am single
Andrew: yeah so am i dont date or hook up a lot
ik everyone says that but i really do not im introverted
Warren: Hooking up with trans girls on Feeld is fun though
plus a lot of kink stuff
Andrew: can i be mean possibly crossing the line
Warren: Don’t ever be anything less
Andrew: normal person: hi
you: OH GOD OH FUCK I LOVE FUCKING TRANS GIRLS OOOOOOH FUCK WE FUCKED EACH OTHER IN OUR ASSHOLES
The number of times he’s brought up sex he’s had with others sure is something, if he were seriously dating him it would be an issue, but since he’s not, it’s just amusing.
But he feels an odd sense of comfort and ease with Warren despite only just having met him.
Warren: Lmao not enough mentions of Eren being a cuck
Andrew: is that another fetish of yours
Warren: No it actually is not
Andrew doubts this.
Andrew: i saw futa in your post history
Warren: God I wish they were real
Andrew: so youre really not into men that often?
Warren: Less than ten in my whole life tbh
Not even enough to be bi
Andrew: um warren any attraction at all to two genders is being bi no matter how great your preference for one is
Warren: UM UM UM AKSHUALLY
Are you gaysplaining to me
Andrew: yes what about it
Warren: I am so excited to fuck a proper man though like giddy
Andrew: it really is great
Warren: Do you have anything to compare it to though
Andrew: no actually im a platinum star gay i was born via c section
Warren: Fr?
Andrew: yes
Warren: Lmao perfect so you’re not corrupted by the touch of the foid
Andrew: you meant to add “im kidding” right
Warren: Ofc but I know yk that by now so I didn’t
Andrew hopes he is just being edgy and not an actual misogynist. He gives him the benefit of the doubt for now.
Warren: Do you game at all
Andrew: yeah ive been into baldurs gate 3 lately
Warren: Cool I was gonna suggest we play Black Ops 7
Andrew: i havent had the money for that yet
Warren: Fuck okay how about 6
Andrew: yeah we can do that
Andrew opens Steam and gets on Call of Duty: Black Ops 6. He connects to Warren in game and they turn on voice. He’s eager to hear what he sounds like.
“Hi,” Andrew says as they start the game.
“Hello gorgeous,” Warren says.
“Your voice is so sexy.”
“Your voice is very faggy.”
He laughs lightly. “Thanks, I get that a lot.”
They play for around an hour and a half, chatting about their daily lives and some about Attack on Titan. Andrew wins most matches which he thinks is bothering Warren because he keeps getting weirdly silent.
After they’re done, Andrew says, “I gotta admit I don’t like doing stuff on camera or voice, it feels awkward to me. So I wanna get off.”
“That’s fine,” Warren says. “I’ll take you any way I can get you. I wanna get off too.” He imagines he winks.
“Good.” He feels a bit awkward anyways. “I’ll disconnect now.”
They disconnect and Andrew goes to message him on Reddit.
Andrew: im back here
Warren: Speaking of back how about I blow yours out
Andrew: smooth
Warren: I wanna push your face into the pillow
Warren attaches a photo of his top shirt buttons undone. It makes Andrew’s heart skip.
Andrew: are you gonna strip for me
Warren sends a photo of his shirt all the way undone but still on.
Warren: Yeah <3
Andrew sends a photo in the mirror of his shirt totally off.
Andrew: im eager i wanna skip ahead
Warren: You desperate slut ofc you do
Warren posts a photo of himself totally nude in the mirror. Andrew’s cock swells and he lets out a small noise. Saturday cannot come soon enough.
Andrew: god i want you so bad
Andrew sends a totally nude photo of his own.
Andrew: would you manhandle me
Warren: Do you want me to throw you around and pin you down?
Andrew: omfg YES
Warren: I can do that sweetness
Warren attaches a photo of his cock in his hand. Andrew licks his lips.
Andrew: i wanna lick it
Warren: You can choke on it
Andrew: yessssss
Andrew sends his own photo of his cock in his hand.
Warren: *Licks*
Andrew: likewise
Warren: Smh
Warren doesn’t post for a few minutes until he sends a photo of cum all over his hand. The sight is enough to send Andrew over the edge and he finishes on his hand as well. He sends a photo of it.
Warren: I kinda love cum it’s my dirty little secret
Andrew: oh god thats amazing
Warren: Shhhhh
Andrew: who am i gonna tell? “jonathan hey guess what the guy im fucking loves cum”
Warren: Lmao could happen
Who’s Jonathan
Andrew: my bff/roommate
Warren: Ah I live in a single dorm
Perfect for hooking up
Andrew: oh thats awesome
Warren attaches a photo of a tidy but small dorm with a single bed pushed against the wall.
Andrew: thats nice i like cozy spaces
Warren: I like neat spaces
Andrew: are you a neat freak
Warren: Kinda yeah
Andrew sends a photo of his cluttered bedroom.
Warren: Oh god
Andrew: lol is it that bed
Warren: It’s just busy
Andrew: so you wouldnt fuck me here
Warren: Bro I’d fuck you in a Walmart bathroom
Andrew giggles.
Andrew: handicapped stall for the room right
Warren: Braced up against the urinals
Andrew: ewwww omg warren ppl can walk in and see
Warren: They can be jealous
Andrew: ok i gotta go to bed
Warren: Goodnight beautiful
Andrew: i hope i dream about you
Warren: Likewise
Andrew: shhhhh
gn
Andrew shuts down his computer and gets ready for bed with a smile on his face. Jonathan is waiting outside the bathroom for his turn.
Andrew stops in front of him, still smiling. “Warren is so cool.”
Jonathan nods along. “The Reddit guy?”
“Yeah, he’s just really funny and hot and just…” He sighs dreamily.
“Well, I hope he’s not a serial killer.”
“Why would being from Reddit make him more likely to be shady?”
“Because it’s Reddit, dude.”
Maybe when you see a picture of him, you’ll see. Come lemme show him to you.” Andrew goes to his room and turns his computer back on, then finds the photo of Warren on the boat. “Isn’t he so hot?”
Jonathan looks at it a moment, blank expression on his face. “He looks like girls would cover their drinks when he gets near.”
Andrew slaps his shoulder. “Jonathan! No, he does not. Why do you have a problem with Reddit for this but not Grindr?”
“Because Reddit isn’t made for hooking up.”
“You’ll see, he seems great so far. And it went well before with the other guy.”
“You’d known that guy a while though.” It’s true, he was a friend he met in a queer sub who had become friends with before they met up and slept together. “And you said his takes are horrible,” Jonathan adds.
“It’s takes on fiction, who cares. It’s not important.”
***
Andrew wakes up, happy to get to talk to Warren yet again. Their date is today, and he got his STD screening results—he is indeed clean.
Andrew: im clean!
Warren: You better be because I’m a clean freak
Oh
Andrew chuckles.
Andrew: did you think im just announcing im hygienic
Warren: Thought you just showered and were trying to entice me by making me think of you in the shower
Andrew: i did jerk off to you in the shower
Warren: Today?
Andrew: yesterday
Warren: I never liked doing it in the shower
Andrew: its fun sometimes and very convenient
do you have any sex toys
Warren: I have cuffs and beads and a plug
Andrew: not into dildos huh
Warren: My fingers work just fine
Andrew is off work today, so he has all day to message Warren who is out of classes. They share memes and then get to talking about being queer and how it’s perceived.
Andrew: sometimes someone seems friendly then its like they (usually men) clock me and start getting rude i feel like i should be used to it now and i am but it still hurts
Warren: It would suck to not be able to hide
Andrew: yeah it really does
but on the flipside sometimes women act cold to me then i talk to them and they light up lol
Warren: Women are very fond of men who aren’t at risk of raping them isn’t that crazy
Andrew: i mean rape is about power not attraction is it not
Warren: Then men would be raped a lot more
Andrew: women are physically weaker than men tho so they pick women
and its why children are so often victims
actually lets change the subject this isnt sexy
Warren: My hand is down my pants wdym
I’m kidding
Andrew’s eyes bulge.
Andrew: warren…
Warren: Andrew…
Andrew: your edginess knows no bounds
Warren: I was raised by Family Guy and South Park
Andrew: you mustve loved mr garrison being trans
Warren: You think I’m a chaser huh
Andrew: i mean if the shoe fits
btw why dont you use /j instead of “im kidding”
Warren: Tone indicators are too woke for me
Andrew: now add “im kidding” pls i beg you
Warren: Lmao it’s okay actually I’m
Not joking
Andrew: being heteroflexible is being woke
Warren: And being fully gay is being a communist
Andrew: i actually am not that into politics like im not exactly sure what a communist is except theres no money/capitalism
Warren: Good so you won’t sperg out for my not voting
Andrew: i mean i didnt either…
Warren: When you have the woke sexuality? Smh
Andrew: you say things that imply self awareness then double down its weird
Warren: Andy I gotta confess: sometimes I exaggerate my views to ragebait
I never tell lies but I add onto it
Andrew: lol i had a feeling
Warren: Eren is definitely a cuck though
Andrew: so you like pissing ppl off
Warren: You don’t?
Andrew: no im normal
Warren: You should try it
Andrew: no i dont think i will
Warren: Go and troll about what a good Doctor Jodie Whittaker is
Andrew: it wouldnt be trolling itd be telling the truth
Warren: Me when I lie
Andrew: yk david tennant is hotter than you
Warren: You’re a Tentard huh
Andrew: ok youre just a contrarian atp
Warren: I like Ten I just prefer Nine and Twelve
Andrew: now im thinking of eleven from stranger things have you seen it
Warren: Yeah the finale was shit
At least Bylers got to cry
Andrew: byler is cute wtf
Warren: Mike is straight
Andrew: i thought he was queer coded
Warren: So you smoke crack
Why would they explicitly code Will as gay but make Mike gay in subtext
Andrew: bc hes bi not gay
his whole relationship with el was written weirdly and i think he didnt really love her tho
romantically
Warren: Has anyone ever told you you’re a crazy motherfucker
Andrew laughs to himself.
Andrew: why was that so funny
Warren: I’m really funny and wacky and goofy
Andrew: randumb xD
wait how old are you
Warren: 21
Andrew: ok cool im 20
and this means you can order liquor for me on our date :3
Warren: I’d love to see you get very plastered
Andrew: i get really horny
Warren: Oh then yes I really need to see it
Sometimes I drunk or stoned ragebait and just make people angry and confused instead of just angry
Andrew: youre a very ridiculous person warren /pos
Warren: That stands for piece of shit right
Andrew: yes you piece of shit
Andrew sends a photo of his fluffy orange and white cat, Cheese.
Andrew: i lied i do have a pussy
his name is cheese
Warren: Can I lick it
Jk I’m not into cuntboys
Andrew: so you love dick
Warren: Dick’s okay
Andrew: so you really love cock
Warren: I’m more attracted to the man not the dick
Andrew: i think you love dick
and would love it if i fucked you and youd throw it back desperately
Warren: It feels nice yeah
Andrew: denial
Warren: Who’s in denial here I said I liked it
Andrew: gay but not like in a really faggot way
Warren: You’re fighting ghosts bro
Andrew: im fighting ur mom
Warren: She can throw down be careful
Yk you’re so fun and easy to talk to and I can be myself. My last girlfriend was a total SJW and feminazi
Andrew: was she an sjw or did she just not want to be asked if she stimmed by sucking dick
Warren: Are you saying I recycle jokes
Andrew: you definitely think theyre really funny so yeah
Warren: You think they’re funny too
Andrew: im trolling you
Warren: Yeah I’m not 1% gay after all
Andrew: do you deadass think youre only 1% gay
Warren: 2%
Andrew: is that your preferred type of milk
Warren: I will make your milk into Cheese
Andrew: yay two of my cat!
Warren: Bad news I’m Chinese
Andrew: what
oh
Warren: /j
Andrew: that was better
Warren: Might as well dye my hair blue now
Andrew: yes after the racist joke
Warren: I’m a changed man now /j
God that feels so retarded
They start talking about numerous TV shows and movies, finally finding common ground in that they both love the Star Wars prequels. By then, it’s time to get ready for their date.
Andrew showers and finds a blue button up shirt and black pants, it looks formal enough. Or is it overdressing? He never knows how formal to get for dates. He dabs a bit of cologne on his wrist and neck. He makes his hair slightly messy as Jonathan told him that looked good in the past.
Andrew puts on his shoes—loafers—and gets in his Prius and drives to the restaurant. He takes a deep breath before getting out of his car and going inside.