Chapter Text
I don’t have you, and yet I can still see you.
Deadly apparition, is it possible to see you but not touch you?
Or are you just a dagger created by the mind, an illusion of my feverish brain?
- Shakespear, Macbeth.
The ticking of the kitchen’s clock would be deafening if it weren’t for the faint sound of the tv playing in the living room. It was a day like any other, but it’s been a few weeks now and things have changed. Andrew settled in and it was a bit more lively. The cutlery was clinking against the mostly empty plates as Ivan played with it mindlessly. His expression blank and lost, his eyes unfocused and his vision blurring from his zoning out, a slight ringing began to resonate in one ear to the other.
“IVAN!”
Ivan jolted, suddenly letting go of his fork, falling into his plate loudly and hitting his leg against the table from the sudden noise. He winced in pain, curling forward while Andrew looked at him startled, both of his arms put up like he was at gun point.
“Wow! Dude my bad, didn’t know you’d be that deep into your thoughts. You good?” Asked Andrew, leaning his head on the side trying to get a better look at Ivan.
“Yeah, yeah no, I’m fine, don’t mind me. What were you saying again?” He replied, rubbing the pain away from his knees. His expression went back to “normal” despite his pinched lips and his usual lazy left eyelid.
“I was asking you why you’re keeping your old computer instead of getting a new laptop, I mean it’s not like you can’t, financially wise.”
The older man got up and grabbed the dishes on the table, taking them to the sink before quickly doing them. While he was focused on his task, Ivan’s gaze followed him, looking at his back as he did so. He was slightly smaller than Ivan and definitely more of the chubbier type, but he still had muscles hidden under that fat. He’d know from all of the times he lost when they would arm wrestle after a few drinks. He looked down at himself and sighed, he was more on the lean side, his rough skin marked with somewhat healed self harm scars.
Just the thought of being physically looking stronger but still losing to his friend made his skin itch uncomfortably. Ivan began to rub his wrist as a way to soothe that feeling down as he began to speak up again.
“I mean, it’s working just fine. Maybe it’s a bit slow but I’m used to it.”
“It’s working fine, can’t really deny it, but last time you tried to show me your script on it, it took 10 minutes to boot up.”
“I always thought that was just how computers worked, the ones at school were the same you know?”
Andrew snorted as he finished the last plate, turning around and cleaning his glasses with his shirt, smiling.
“Yeah and they sucked already back then too.”
Ivan couldn’t help but huff a bit
“...maybe you’re right, I’ll think about it. But not now, I should probably go to sleep honestly.”
“Good idea, goodnight man.”
Ivan slowly got up walking towards the corridor of his apartment while Andrew made his way to the living room’s corner as well. The man looked down at the mattress on the floor and grimaced at the thought of waking up with an ache tomorrow.
“Hey wait Ivan.”
“Hm?”
He turned around to look at Andrew, a hand on his neck.
“I uh, I know we have an agreement with the entire sleeping situation and all. I’m just, can we make an exception for tonight? I got up the wrong way this morning and I hoped it would go away but it didn’t, I don’t want to end up making it worse and having to pay more doctor bills.”
Ivan looked up and down, really thinking about it. He doesn’t want to give Andrew that privilege yet, as he feels like he didn’t earn it but also, he can’t work on his game properly if he complains every five seconds.
“Please?” Added Andrew, with an almost pleading face.
It didn’t take much for Ivan to make his choice, rolling his eyes up and making a small gesture with his head, inviting Andrew to follow him into his room. His friend let out a loud grunt of relief and hurried next to him.
“Thanks man, I’ll pay you back for this one.” He gave him a small pat on his shoulder before heading to Ivan's room.
Fast forward to a few hours, as the two of them were laying down on the bed, looking up, their shoulders touching. The air was tense and awkward, it was the first time they were sleeping together and it felt unnatural for the both of them. Ivan’s eyes darted around the multiple cracks that decorated his ceilings. Wondering if it was nothing or a sign that the entire building will collapse at any given moment. A knot tied up in his stomach. Until a familiar voice took him out of this spiraling, once again.
“Hey, dude, you’re sleeping?”
“No, are you?”
“... Are you stupid?”
It got quiet before they started giggling quietly, easing the heavy atmosphere by a bit. Calming down after a few seconds, Andrew sighs.
“No but for real, I’ve been wondering actually..” He turns his head around, looking directly at his friend.
”..Have you ever kissed a guy before?”
Ivan’s eyes widened, snapping his head back at Andrew.
“What?”
“WOW don’t look at me like that, it’s just a question…”
The two men stared off into each other's eyes, Ivan looking troubled and Andrew looking awkward. That tension was back again as the deafening silence settled once more. Ivan’s mind was racing. Why would he ask that question out of the blue? Is it to make fun of him? To see how he would react? Should he lie? Should he leave? Isn’t this weird? So many questions, so little answers. He just slowly looked away from Andrew’s gaze before he replied.
“...Never.”
Andrew turned his head away as well, nodding slightly as he took the information in, fiddling with his fingers and swallowing the spit that built up in his throat.
“...Do you wanna try?”
Ivan’s heart sank to his stomach, his head feeling like it’s going to burst open. This is such a weird situation to be in. In the same bed with your best friend who’s currently throwing a bone at you. Is this normal? What would his dad think of that?
but…
He wasn’t really against the idea either. As he turned around for the last time towards his friend. Andrew smiled warmly, his round face adoring a smile, a mix of patience, pleading and pity all at the same time.
Ivan felt lost, his heartbeat racing and his eyes furrowed, he looked like a wild animal in front of beaming headlights. The atmosphere shifted the moment their gazes crossed. He gulped whilst Andrew’s hand slowly made his way to cup his roughly shaved jaw, the warmth of his touch clashing with the coldness of his body as a whole, like boiling water being poured over a block of ice. The taller man looked down, his breathing hastening, managing to slip in a few words between each huffs.
“Andrew I- I don’t-”
Andrew shushes him quietly, putting his thumb over his bottom lip.
“Relax… You look like you’re gonna have a heart attack…” He shuffles his body closer to him, the two now facing each other with their legs touching.
Ivan’s shaking hand makes its way on Andrew’s arm, using it for support. Andrew looks at his rough hand, now trembling like a leaf.
“Are you scared?” His voice was soft. Almost like a purr. ”You don’t have to be… just let yourself go.”
Their foreheads were now touching, blowing their warm breath on each other's faces.
Andrew's head tilted to the side, slowly making his way closer and closer. Time seemed to slow down. All until their lips finally touched. Ivan’s hand tightened around the man’s arm, digging his fingernails into his skin. Their eyes closed, deepening the kiss despite the pain Andrew felt.
When they drew back from this intimate moment, they looked at each other. And then looked down. As they both realized that Ivan got a raging boner in the span of a minute. Ivan was stuck in place in complete disbelief at himself, embarrassment taking over his body. He managed to mutter a few words.
“I’m sorry I’m uh, I don’t- It’s not what you think it is.”
Andrew was a bit taken aback by his reaction. Blinking a few times before clearing his throat.
“Well, what is it then?”
Ivan didn’t answer. He didn’t say anything at all, not until Andrew reached down and flimsily touched the tent that formed in his sweatpants.
“Andrew-”
He breathed out as he began to speak up, his friend beginning to hold more of it in his hand. He was warm down here but Andrew’s hand was even warmer, he could feel it even under his pants.
“I did tell you I’d pay you back for letting me sleep in your bed so… might as take care of that for you.” He continued, slowly stroking his friend’s dick through his clothes.
Ivan brought his hand to his mouth, trying his best to cover his shaky moans. His entire body was tense, he couldn’t believe what was going on, unsure of what he could do or say, looking down at the other man working his hand on his shaft.
Ivan always was a bit cocky, affirming he had many experiences in bed, and even if Andrew called him out on his bullshit multiple times, he never fully admitted that he was a virgin in any shape or form. He still jerked off, of course, but it was a different story when someone else does it for you, and he’s learning that in the most blunt way possible.
Andrew looked up at his friend amused.
“What’s wrong? Aren't you used to that? Or is it your first time?” He slipped his hand under the band of his underwear, his dick twitched the moment their skin got in contact.
Ivan didn’t reply, his throat tied tightly in a knot, like Andrew found his “shut up” switch. He got closer, changing their positions slightly as Ivan laid on his back with Andrew nestled closely to his side, his face almost hidden in the crook of his neck, just close enough to Ivan’s ear for him to feel his breathing against his ear. He then fully uncovered his friend’s package, as it stood tall, the tip glistening with precum. Ivan bit down on his finger trying to choke down a moan, feeling the cold air of the room clash against his length.
“Andrew… This feels wrong I- I don’t think I can…” He barely had the time to finish his sentence that his friend’s hand tightened around him, as he got back to working and pumping his shaft up and down. His hand went hard but teasingly slow, as if he made sure Ivan felt every stroke he did.
He wrapped one of his arms around Andrew, gripping on his shoulder for his dear life while the other clutched the off-colored sheet beneath him. His legs trembling, his body jolting every time Andrew’s hand would reach the tip.
“There’s nothing wrong about that… and if it is then you’re in big trouble for enjoying yourself that much, you hear that?” Andrew teased, fastening his pace, Ivan’s cock completely coated in his own pre-cum now, making wet sloshy noises as he did so.
The obscene sounds resonated in the barely lit up room. Ivan definitely couldn’t keep up with the speed and the crazy hand game his friend had. His voice cracked as he whimpered and arched his back, completely overstimulated by the sensations that coursed all throughout his body. He was almost there, he could feel it. And he was right. Because the moment Andrew dragged his tongue across his neck, was the moment where his life would change forever.
His fingers dug even deeper than earlier, drawing the tiniest amount of blood from it. His ears rang and he closed his eyes tightly letting his orgasm override him completely.
His body relaxed, his legs trembling like they never did before and when he opened his eyes again, he saw the mess he made on Andrew’s hand and his own pajamas. Ivan was sweating profusely, his breathing loud and jerky. Andrew chuckled silently, shaking his hand trying to shake off some semen off of it.
“Wow… feisty.” Andrew smiled and sat up, stretching his back as he’s been laying on the side for a good 30 minutes now. “I’m gonna go clean up, you should probably do too- well, when you’re calmed down, there’s no rush.” He patted Ivan’s shoulder just like earlier before getting out of bed and heading to the bathroom.
Leaving Ivan alone.
He slowly sat up after a few seconds laying there, almost dead-like. Ivan looked down, his dick just out in the open, cum all over his shirt, and a few traces of blood on the hand that grappled Andrew. His eyes unfocused once more, taking in what just happened, replaying the moment in his head over, and over again. It felt really good, probably the most alive he’d felt in a while. He couldn't help but see Andrew's face whenever he'd close his eyes, all of the dirty things he said, repeating in his mind.
But then something felt wrong, a looming sensation crawled up over his shoulders. He thought about how he acted. How pathetic he looked and sounded, how he grabbed his best friend needlingly, how shaky he still was. Ivan was embarrassed, ashamed of himself even. The visual of Andrew innocently smiling at him shifted, it didn't make him feel good anymore, it angered him. Ivan couldn’t help but think that Andrew was mocking him. That Andrew did that on purpose. That he wanted to humiliate him, to take his virginity and to dangle it above his head. He didn't even have a say on it, it went all too quickly. It was gross of him to do that.
He focused his eyesight on his bloodied hand again, when a small piece of dried white paint fell down in his palm. Ivan looked up to see it came from his cracked ceiling, precisely one crack that seemed to have elongated ever so slightly in those 30 minutes.
Maybe the ceiling is actually falling apart.