Chapter Text
This really is exhilarating. I can’t believe this is how my life works now: Linkin Park is back and we’re as close as ever, play as perfect as ever and everyone looks so happy once the show starts. Looking back, the decision to start doing shows again was overthought; it feels as easy as breathing and watching the crowd enjoy the show as much as we are is honestly so rewarding. I was scared of performing after the re-launch of the band, but now I can’t imagine my life without it. Of course, the decision to include a touring member was pretty stressful, for me at least, because rather than getting to know each other during our writing sessions, we had to get to know him in a more stressful environment. Alex took a bit of time to open up, but he gets along really well with all the members: he’s funny, charming and knows how to have a compelling conversation, which has gotten hard for me over the years. It's so easy for me to look over and just appreciate how well he does it, almost like admiring a painting – wait, what am I thinking? Before I could answer that for myself,
“Earth to Mike, is everything good? You look a bit stuck in your own head.” Colin said between exhausted gasps with a slight smirk, but with a hint of concern in his voice, which caused Alex next to him to giggle. “Oh right yeh, I just– I was just– thinking–” I tried to form a sentence before realising I am also completely exhausted; both of them laughed which prompted Joe to join in, “Go easy on him, he needs his 30 minutes of self reflection before he can decide that he performed really well today, just like the last show, and the show before, and the show before that…” he continued as he walked past. I do need a second to get my mind back together after a show; it's almost overstimulating but in a good way, I think?
Joe is right though, normally I would be critiquing my performance but something is different today and I don’t know what. Maybe I have finally convinced myself that I can perform as well as the rest of the group. Maybe I’m just appreciating a friend, co-worker – what are band mates to each other anyway – since Alex is surprisingly good at guitar too, and that should have been my first thought when I was paying attention to him earlier. And before I knew it, I was back to being lost in my own thoughts as the rest of the band were talking amongst themselves and tidying up a bit before departing. Honestly, it isn’t really that bad listening to the band talking after a show while I tend to my own thoughts for a while instead of joining in, everything feels so surreal.
Emily comes in last, after doing a few laps around the backstage and everyone has now moved their attention to her and I couldn’t help but smile. “I don’t understand I really don’t” Emily starts, “I don’t understand how Alex can have like, 10 coffees a day and be totally calm and I am the one with way too much energy. Venue security told me to come back here because I was running around for too long but I’m just not–”, the band members all laugh to Emily’s almost genuine frustration, “I’m sorry Emily, it’s just that you’re not pure of heart; only the kindest of people can drink coffee and not have to run around after a two hour show just to bring their energy levels down”, Alex responded while trying to hide the laughter in his voice. That was such a good response and it genuinely impressed me. Unluckily for me, Colin noticed my expression and dragged me into the conversation “Yeh its Mike and Em, you guys need to like, I don’t know, be nicer to me? Maybe that way you’ll be able to enjoy coffee the way me and Alex do”, Colin’s comment really lost me but I just smiled and nodded absentmindedly. It’s not like I’m trying to not pay attention, it’s just on days like this I prefer to do a lot more self reflection after a show and through that, it’s easy to listen to the guys talk without paying attention to what they are saying. For today, my mind is wandering more than I can control it; I am worrying myself a bit but I’m sure I’ll find the source of this uneasiness eventually.
“Hey, are you okay?” I hear in a concerned tone. Looking up, I noticed Alex stood in front of me now appearing worried, “oh yeh, I’m fine.” I quickly brush off, but I don’t think he’s buying it. “You were really spacing out today, we were trying to get your attention indirectly but the car to the hotel is here now, so I’m sorry for being direct. I hope this was okay?” Wow, I really spaced out for that long? The rest of the band are now walking towards where the car usually is, but I can’t help but to notice more about Alex as he is stood closer to me: His hair is more of a dark grey than brown, with little pieces of white peeking through – unnoticeable from a distance, but looks so clear right now – and our height difference makes it so that my neck has to tilt ever so slightly up to look him in the eyes – a mixture of green, blue and grey; ocean like – and how he talked to me now sounded quieter than he normally does, richer as well. “Come on you two, we don’t have all day” Dave said with audible tiredness, and gently pushed both me and Alex forward on the path towards the car. I need to come up with some sort of response before anyone starts to get too concerned, “Oh I’m fine, honestly. The show went really well and I was just reflecting a bit and I couldn’t keep my concentration. I’m sorry if I worried you.” I said during our short walk. Now Dave, Alex and I are getting into the same car. Alex smiled gently, while looking at me he replied, “Mike there’s nothing to be sorry about, I – we – were just concerned why a talk about guitars didn’t engage you into the conversation.”
I like the way he says my name.
“Maybe he’s just tired.” Dave interjects, with his eyes already closed, “Anyway, you two, Colin and Em normally still have energy after a show. I’m going straight to sleep the second we get to the hotel, and I know I’m not going to be successful because someone has to have a lengthy conversation about something.” Alex attempts to interrupt, but Dave anticipates this and continues, “And Alex, don't start blaming Em, you were the one who said matcha tastes like grass.” Alex laughs in offense, “But it was really funny right? I actually like matcha but the pricing was really weird–” “Alex, no” Dave said as he essentially starts to fall asleep in the car, stopping Alex from having his well thought out rant. They are almost like speeches, the way it sounds researched and argument-proof but still with a perfect level of humour to them. And just as Alex looks like he’s going to continue his argument against matcha pricing, we pull into the hotel car park with Emily still standing around looking a little crazed – but that’s normal at this point – seemingly waiting for us. Alex falls into his subtle laughter again, “Oh no I think she’s here for revenge, time to figure out what I said wrong this time.” I smile back, then avert my attention to Emily as we step out of the car.
“Look at you, looking like you’re going for the kill.” Alex said, to which Emily replied “Oh ha ha. If that was a Dead Sara reference it wasn’t good, and if it wasn’t I have no idea what you’re on about.” I smile at Em, not really knowing if I should be here to witness them two argue about coffee for the n-teenth time. Dave walks past all three of us, “Look, I’m guessing me, Joe and Colin are tired and Mike is confused, which leaves you two as the only people awake: please do me a favour and get to sleep” Emily looks disappointed “band dad doesn’t want to join in the gossip session? There is no way I’ll get to sleep tonight, so I’m proposing a gossip session in Colin’s room – who is not tired – and we can stay up and sleep on the flight, thoughts?” Emily looks at all three of us for an answer.
Honestly, my initial reaction was to say no: I’m already feeling weird for some reason that I can’t pinpoint, and sleeping before a flight is generally a good rule to keep healthy, but both Alex and Emily are looking at me as I would disappoint them if I turned them down. This might also be a good for dispelling the idea that the band should be worried about me; I am completely fine and I just needed a second to get my thoughts together, and it took longer than normal – but that’s not the point, the point is I’m fine and should maybe join in with whatever these three argue about at the end of every show. “I think I’ll join in.” I said, sounding more unsure than I would like to sound, “I mean, it wouldn’t hurt and if I do get tired after an hour I can just leave–” before I finished that sentence, Em has already started beaming and dragged me towards the hotel, and Alex is speed walking to keep up with us. I feel sorry for Dave, but I’m pretty sure he does get to sleep eventually, even if it takes slightly longer than normal with all the noise.
I focused back on Emily for a moment and laughed, “Why are you so excited? Do we not talk basically all the time?” Emily sighed, “Yes we do but this time, we’re all either tired as shit or hyperactive about to become tired, and that is the best time to find out each other’s deep and dark secrets.” I wasn’t sure if she was joking there but I’ll take it as one and laughed politely. Before I knew it, we got to our floor and Colin let us into his room and we sat around on the bed.
“Wow Colin, you’ve kept your room surprisingly clean,” Alex said as we walked in.
“I know right, it’s why we’re here and not at Em’s room.” Colin replied, to Emily’s disappointment.
“I’m so glad we don’t have, like, room inspections or anything like that.”
I laughed at that, “Why would we inspect rooms like you guys are our children? As long as we get everywhere on time and leave when we need to, no one really cares about anything else.”
Alex smiled, “Well, this is Emily and Colin’s first time on such a big tour they wouldn’t really know what to expect.”
That reminded me, I still don’t really know much about Alex, “Sorry if this is random Alex but how old are you?” I could have said that in a more natural way, but one didn’t come to me in time. All I could really notice was his smile almost making his face shine; he looked so happy.
“Its not really something that we focus on is it? I’m guessing you assumed I was Emily or Colin’s age, but I’m actually 43. But yeh, thank you for asking.” Alex replied genuinely, and it made me feel strange for some reason – anyone else could have taken my question and made a joke of it or replied rudely, but he sounded so sincere. I wish everyone was as kind as him.
“Yeh no, I guess it just puts some relations into perspective; you’re younger than me but still older than Em and Colin.” I managed to reply, “I guess it’s also just something to get used to; we used to be all the same age, give or take up to 2 years, but now we have a bit of a range.”
Emily quickly said, as if she didn’t want to get cut off, “I don’t think anyone remembers that me and Colin aren’t the same age, he’s a year younger than me so I don’t know why I am treated as the youngest.” in an upset tone.
“Well, maybe you should act older and more responsible and people won’t mistake you for being the baby of the group.” Colin replied as quickly as Emily said her bit, which left her defeated.
Alex laughed, “Well, no one is really focusing on who is exactly the youngest: you and Colin are the youngest and everyone else is the same age.”
“No but people think you’re Mike’s age, that’s not fair. I’m mature and got all my shit together too!”
“Emily, I don’t think I count. People just think I’m either Brad or Colin.”
Colin slowly smiled, “That’s really helpful for me, then it’s just Em left as the youngest because I’m also getting mixed up, and I get mixed up for Brad too so I’m in the clear.”
Wait, why are they arguing to be on the older side of the group? Normally it would be the other way around, right? As the conversation continues, it seems that both Alex and Colin are in some sort of alliance to piss off Emily the most, though I don’t think it was planned out prior; Emily was really excited for this late night talk session. Maybe they each take turns being on each other’s side? Slowly, the noise of the discussion takes a back seat in my mind and I focus more on what I’ve got myself stuck into. It was a good idea to join in, but maybe I’m too tired. I feel more thankful than anything, that we could find new members and everything could work out so nicely and they all get along. Well, maybe Dave will reach a breaking point with how loud the discussions get, but he’s too kind to tell anyone off properly.
Yeh, by this time I would be asleep but now I’m watching how the three youngest interact with each other without the older members: they all have this sibling playfulness to them which is reminiscent of the earlier days of the band – constantly getting just about on our nerves but to the point where it was funny and never offensive. I was thinking along these lines earlier but it is a pleasant surprise how Alex could open up to us and fit so nicely into the band without having those recording sessions to ease in; I can’t imagine how longer it would have taken Colin or Em to open up if they were in his position. Alex’s confidence reminds me of Chester in a way, as he’s not too serious about himself and knows how to entertain a group of people. Normally when the thought of Chester enters my mind, it fills every corner and renders me unable to think about anything else, but today feels different.
The only thing I can think of now is Alex. None of us have washed up properly after the show: Emily has her makeup clumping, Colin has taken off his shirt to cool down and Alex, oh Alex, he truly looks majestic. His hair has slowly fallen down towards his forehead, despite his continued efforts to brush it back, soft curls slowly, moving gently, in and out of place. He doesn’t have his glasses on right now, and thank god for that; I can see his eyes more clearly now, and the more I look the more I seem to lose myself in them. His smile is more gentle now, a byproduct of tiredness I assume. Did his lips always have such lipstick-like perfection to them? His shirt was starting to cling to him more and I could see his physique more clearly: he is muscular, not to my surprise, but not to the point you see in movie stars, it looks real, it’s impressive, it’s addictive. My eyes wander more, and more out of my control… I look lower, I want to see it. His body is so impressive I want to see what’s hiding, I want it, I want him, I need it, I need him inside–
Wait no, wait, what am I doing?
No no no no no no.
I’m not doing this again. I can’t do this again. It makes things so complicated. I can’t. I can’t think like this. Remember last time? What happened to getting a grip Micheal I swear to god. He isn’t Anna. He isn’t Chester. He is a good friend. A really good friend. Before I know it, my thoughts aren’t the only thing out of my control, its– I can’t–
“Mike? Hey Mike, look at me dude everything’s going to be fine,” oh thank god its Emily. I regained myself and replied, “Oh no it’s nothing I must be tired. Yeh I’m tired I should go.” and stood up in the same breath, now realising Emily was holding my hand as she was talking to me.
“Mike, please take it easy, sit down for a bit. Let me get you some water–”
“No Alex, I’m fine I just need to go.”
And with that I basically run for the door and leave as quickly as I can.
I hear Colin as I’m now running towards my hotel room, “We were just talking about coffee and guitar pedals, what could go wrong?”