Chapter Text
I'm not gay, I know I'm not!
I can't be!
I can't be a fucking faggot..!
Being gay means more things for those fucking assholes to rip on me for..
Fat, Jewish, Faggot... I'll never hear the end of it! I'm not gay, I can't be. What'll come next?! I break my legs and become a cripple? A fat faggoty jewish cripple... I mean, it's not my fault that piece of shit Jerry just looks so perfect, he's everything I'm not.
Blond, Skinny, Perfect hair, Blue eyes, Probably straight...
He's perfect!
Absolutely fucking perfect, that's Jerry.. On the outside that is. He's too "Nice".. No... He's just a quiet asshole. He lets us walk all over him and he's too pussy to ever speak up. He should really talk more, but it's cute. Watching him just sit there, trying to put his word in and then getting interrupted too often before deciding to wait until later to speak.. But I'm not fucking gay. I never will be.
November 24th 2000
8:35PM Bill's Basement
It's the night after Thanksgiving and coincidentally, an Eltingville club meeting since it's friday. There's a Star Trek marathon going on so we're all seated on Bill's couch watching, besides me. I'll apparently cause the couch to sag or even break so they sat me on the floor like a goddamn dog. Fuck them all, they're fucking assholes.. I don't think I've EVER gotten to sit on the couch while watching marathons with these idiots.. Whatever, at least Bill isn't sitting in the middle tonight.. This time, Jerry's in the middle and I'm sitting in font of him.. Glad I'm not constantly getting kicked.
While we're watching, I absentmindedly reached behind me towards Pete to grab some popcorn out his bucket. I expected him to swat my hand away and probably bark at me too since I shouldn't ever touch his "Limited edition" bloody popcorn bucket he CLEARLY painted.. But instead I got a fist full of popcorn, I looked up. Jerry was holding the bucket. Holding it up to me. I took the popcorn and turned back towards the screen.
"Thanks Pete" I muttered, my mind was dulled, I wasn't thinking of Jerry, not yet anyways..
"Pete..?"
I looked back up and Jerry was giving me that stupid smirk. I felt my cheeks getting hot, I stuffed some popcorn into my mouth before turning back towards the screen.
"You know what I meant."
"Bidi Bidi Bidi, sure you do Buck..."
I continued watching, but every now and then, my brain wandered into the land of faggotry... Jerry... Jerry and that stupid smirk.. I quickly shoved those thoughts away with the popcorn I stuffed into my mouth.. Why Jerry?? Of all guys my brain wanders to, why Jerry??
I don't want to think about his Bidi Bidi BULLSHIT right now, I'll miss the best scene while staring at the TV!! Just forget it, forget Jerry.. I don't even know that guy... I don't even know why I'm here! Yeah.. I know nothing.. I feel nothing... All I see, is the screen in front of me-
"Josh ya fat load, did'ja touch my bucket?! You're eatin' popcorn.. I'm tha only one here WITH popcorn..."
Pete, selfish little piece of shit.. I can't say that out loud though, he'd cut me to bits right in the middle of the basement...
"Yeah Pete, I touched your stupid painted bucket. What's it to YOU?"
"What's it to me?? This shit was like 20 dollars!"
"20 dollars of bullshit, I can see the paint chipping off right there.."
"Pete, I let Josh get some popcorn now shush.. I like this part.." Jerry mumbled while crunching on a bit of Pete's popcorn
I didn't look back, but I thought of how Jerry looked.. His lips moving up and down while eating... His jaw moving in sync.. His eyes, half closed, glaring at Pete for being such a dick..
"Huh.." Pete scoffed before I heard a light thud and Jerry's wincing "Don't let him touch my bucket!"
"What the hell?" Jerry groans
"GOD SHUT THE HELL UP I CAN'T FOCUS" Screams Bill over all of us, Bill's voice instantly snaps me out of my thoughts about Jerry.
I ate the last bit of popcorn in my hands before muttering some curses under my breath while continuing to watch the marathon.. I'm back to my senses... What the hell was I thinking?! Jerry's lips?! His Jaw???!
Oh god.. I'm not gay.. I know I'm not..
What'll I become?
What'll Mom think?
What'll the guys think?
What'll Jerry think...?
Maybe it's just in the spur of the moment.. It'll all go away tomorrow.. I reach behind me again, this time towards the bowl of chips on Bill's lap.. Although I don't think I reached far enough because I brought my hand down to grab a solid handful of chips, but instead I get a handful of jeans..? What? It's probably Bill's leg so I start moving my hand around to try and reach the bowl before I hear a weird mutter..
"Josh..?"
I look back, eventually lifting my hand to find Jerry, all red in the face, staring down at me. I was touching Jerry's leg.. His thigh... And assuming from where my hand was, I don't think I'll ever hear the end of it. My face gets hot as I quickly move my hand away.. Jerry looks simply horrified at what I've done.
"What.. What the fuck Josh..?"
"Jerry, I was trying to get the chip bowl! I wasn't trying to-"
"I'm gonna.. Go to the bathroom..."
I move out the way for Jerry as he quickly stands up and starts to climb up the basement stairs.. His leg brushes against my face, the second it does he nearly jumps away as if I have some kind of disease..
I look at my hand, then at Jerry as he leaves, I sit there for a moment.... I mean, I touched Jerry.. I didn't hate it.. What's wrong with me..? My thoughts finally start to come in. What if Jerry hates me, What if he tells the others that I caressed his thigh like a fucking fag, What if I get kicked out of The Eltingville Club
Great Josh, you've really fucked up now.. Why... Why did I leave my hand there for so long?! I'll never hear the end of it.. But looking to my left and right, Pete simply stares at the screen, not interested but paying enough attention.. And Bill is completely zoned in on the screen. He looks focused.. Too focused... But focused enough for me.
I get up and start to leave the basement as well.. Climbing upstairs step by step. Maybe I can clear shit up with Jerry before he fucks everything up..